***slight programming note****
durring the next few days i probably wont be making any posts. ill be home for thanksgiving; and im sure its not that i wont have anything to say or anything going on; its just i really need a break from life at this point... everything and everyone has really worn me down. im hoping to be able to get away from alot of it. but; i know i do have many of you loyal viewers, and i dont want to dissappoint; so if something comes up ill do my best to put it up... otherwise, i expect my semi-regular posting habit to continue again approximately monday or so....


Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - I Dont Know Why

this is a great song. yeah, period. lately ive gotten into alot of his stuff; its all classical blues stuff, played by a local guy [from Waterloo], and it just makes great "soul music" as someone called it the other day. just another set of songs and chords that i can identify with. maybe its just the mood ive been in, but it just sets in well with me. ill put up a low, low quality version of the song if youre interested in hearing it. although i dont like giving away the music; its a small time local guy, that you just arent going to find any of his music; and this is a pretty crappy quality copy; good enough to listen to, but bad enough i wouldnt try making it a cd... the song is about a 1 meg; [watch out for those of you on modem] but its 4 and a half minutes.. so that tells you the quality i ripped it at... listen to it. maybe it would make good background music while you read everything else on here. [post edit - incase anyone is wondering about where to get his cd's from; msg me or email me and ill give you some contact information for him--S.A.] <- - - click me for music - - ->

enjoy his music. i do.


" i left my home, back in '71 || shook hands goodbye with everyone || now i am a broken man, just one thing i dont understand || i dont.. know why, why i said goodbye "


the last few days have been rough. its been a big game of what to do next; and how to please everyone but scott. i hate it. its not something i like to admit; but i do end up doing things for other peoples benefit from time to time... and i sincerely do not like being responsible for causing problems for people. so to the few that matter [and they know who they are] i will say im sorry for making complications. i am.

but its something i had to do. its something that i had to say. something that, to me maybe, its important that it gets said. for alot of reasons, i had to do it. some of them are my reasons, and some of them ill share. most importantly its that issue of a friendship being uneven. it doesnt feel like a level field; it always feels like im the one that has to run up hill... and that wears you down. and secondly; its how steep the grade is. really, they way i look at it: how much does it mean to me. alot. admittedly, more than it should; and i dont know why. but to me, its just not right to have to feel like everything is slanted, steeply, against me. it just doesnt sit right. and so i asked. and even then, i dont know if the answers i got did it for me. you tell yourself the samething, and it doesnt sound right; so why doesnt it sound like there is anything behind it... why is it i just cant believe you when you answer me. i dont know why i dont. lastly, for me its about knowing that im not certain how i feel. i know i should feel one way, but im not sure i do. i hate myself for that. really. i get up in the morning; and i expect myself to make decisions. the whole fucking day, i do nothing but that. but when it comes down to one; one fucking small, insignifficant, little choice; i cant do it. i just cant make my mind up. i should be able to. and i cant. i want to. lordy i want to. i want to know that ive got just that one easy option to stick with. but i dont know that to be what i want. i dont know what i want. i just know that im not fully happy with how it all is. im not happy with myself carring about someone more than they could care about me again.


" i had a good job, made good money || had a good friend, she called me honey || now i am; feelin' sad. dreamin o' what i once had || and i dont know why, i said goodbye "


its not a feeling i ever liked. and i sat and thought to myself, that ive never had a relationship with a female thats ever turned out to be half way civil and descent. and i cant understand why. god, i try to be a good friend... it just never works. i try. i try so hard. and in the end; i just get left behind. its not that i dont try, its not that im not flexible, its not that i dont care... i think that once i establish a relationship with someone... and im talking a real, solid, meaningful relationship. they cant handle it. they cant do it. to them, they can only do something even remotely like that with a boyfriend, or a love interest. and thats never me. its tough sometimes like that. its tough to want to put your feet back in the water after an incident like that. even after you break the rules. the last time it happened; the system didnt break down first; i broke down first. i was the one that caved to it. i was the one that couldnt handle just being friends. i was the one that said i had to have it another way. and she was the one that got left in a bad position. but in the end. it was me that ended up with bad blood. see, i wasnt content with friendship with her. i wanted more; i felt more, and i told her. and im the one that paid for it when it was over. im the one that ended up without her as a friend, and still never got her as anything more than that. thats why i hesitate over this. it makes me want to reconsider saying or doing anything... its not that im in love. maybe its that i do love. and that i know that, absent being loved, its going to lead me to the same spot again. the spot where im going to get left short handed. but so fucking what if it did? so fucking what if it lead to that? i couldnt think of any better way to do it-- i couldnt think of any better way to fall in love, than with a person you already cared that much about. ... but i was wrong then. and i guess im still wrong. people dont want that. people dont want me. and thats ok. thats something i cant argue. thats something i dont have much to do with. its that this time; i wanted to know that. i wanted to know if i could care about someone, and not have to be concerned with them carring back. but i found out otherwise. maybe i didnt. maybe; and this seems stupid; maybe i didnt learn anything, maybe all i did was ask questions that only made someone mad... not at the answers, but mad at me for questioning it all. i guess im sorry if thats the case. im not sure that it is. im not sure of anything anymore. i really feel myself starting to slip some days. starting to slip in what i know and what i do. times like this, i guess i have lost it. i have lost touch with reality. ive forgotten what its like to be there. ive forgotten what its like to want anything. ive forgotten what its like to have anything like that to be proud of. its been so long. its been so long since ive had a normal person carring about me in my life, that i just cant remember what its supposed to be like any more. maybe we all have.


" i used to go home, sleep in my bed || then all of my troubles, would leave my head || tears and regrets, forever more || dryin my eyes, and walking the floor || and i dont know why, why i said goodbye "