Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Soldier Of Fortune

so lied.. ill drop one more on you all before i leave....

" i have often told you stories about the way i lived my life as a drifter || waiting for the day when id take your hand and sing a song || then maybe you would say "come lay with me love", and then i would surely stay || but i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

very quiet around here tonight. just me and two others left on the floor... ones leaving early in the morning, and the other at noon. and here, i dont have any guesses when i even get to leave. some holiday this is. ive got meetings and things to tend to durring the day, long before i even get to assess my options for trying to get home. some holiday indeed. but i guess its more for people. im rarely considered in the same breath as other people. not alot else to say about that i guess.

" many times ive been a trav'ler, i looked for something new || in days of old, when nights were cold, i wandered without you || but in those days, i thought my eyes had seen you standing near... || though blindness is confusing; it shows that youre not here || now i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

packing isnt going so well. not really sure what i need to pack, or how much. i dont see any point to it. ill be around to do homework at home; and really thats about it. 3 papers due in a weeks time. plus an entire book to have read, and a quasi- fourth paper to have done for that. not to mention a killer 4 hour law exam the week i come back; and finals the week after that. really not alot of time to think about anything but that. makes it easier to pack then. hopefully i wont have the time to be worried about picking the wrong color of pants. i really shouldnt have time to worry about anything else other than school. but i guess i find time to manage.

" yes i can hear the sound. the windmill is going round. || i guess ill always... be a soldier of fortune. "

looking back in silent solitude, i guess i cant say i ever did anything right. i cant say i ever handled any one thing exactly the way i should have. i guess ive always kept thigns moving, and never took much time to think about it all. alot of times, thats worked out well in my favor. maybe this time it doesnt seem so good. i have always wanted to say i did everything right, and i did everything the way i wanted to... no regrets... no doubts... i cant say that for sure now. i sit and think what happened to me; and i really cant find an answer. im sure there were points of lucidity in there; but i cant recall any. its one stream of 'moments' linked together... everythings episodic, and only now can i sit and think of more long term things---after ive forged my way ahead. usually at thanksgiving time, i send out an email to people; and say something to each of them about what they mean to me. i say usually. i didnt this year. i didnt send them to anyone. and i dont know why. i suppose its not that people suddenly dont matter to me... and it not that ive never sent thigns to people that i shouldnt have [God knows id love to un-send some of those emails, now that i think about it in retrospect] but this year, i dont know... this year has been different on me. ive seen alot of things come and go. not a one of them have left me very happy when theyve left.

its not really anything to be sad about or to cry over, or to call a therapyst about... but in the past year or two, ive really gotten the hell beat out of me. not physically. though some days it fees like it. and other days id pray for it. id pray just to get my ribs kicked in, if it would change things; if it would change the way i would have done something; if it would change the way i worded something; if it would change the way i would have responded. no amount of abuse will change those things now. no matter how nice it might feel to hurt myself over it, it wont do any good. because, atleast if i did... id have something to show for it all. i dont now. i all have is wounded pride; low expectations, and a grounded sense of reality. something all of them were allowed to do without. and as all these people are in bed, and sleeping. sleeping safely near the arms of people who love them, in sheltered comfort. i sit here. out of reach, and maybe out of touch with it all.

i tried to ask myself, what i had to be thankful for. and yes, aside from the things we should all be thankful for; family, shelter, security; i came up drawing a blank. all that kept comming back to me was the laughter of the past. the cold mocking voices, the uncertain silence between two people. the unfettered, unrequetted ambitions and desires of one person; all just seem to be in the distance. i could say i value my education. but i dont. this school is worse to me everyday; and ive done nothing but put back into it. i spend my time, and my free time in it, to improve it, honestly saying i am a part of it. and its done nothing for me, but increase my debt. i could say i value my friends. but i dont as a whole. alot of these people dont want me around, dont value me. im a person of convienince; a person of proximity; and a person of last resort. so much so, its hard for me to discern who are my real friends and who arent anymore. so then i could say that i value my friendships. the intangilble from the tangible. what makes friends special, are the frienships... the bonds the kinship you have between you. maybe i do a little. some of them atleast. some times though, i question those. i question the friend, and then i find myself questioning the friendship... much like i did earlier this week. now maybe i dont have either of those. i could say i value my lover. but i dont have one. so i dont. i dont even value those that once were. they all, in the end; never valued me. and thats where it gets hard. i sit and think alot about this, when none of you are around. and i question what i have to be thankful for; and i cant make the list short enough some times, and sometimes.. i cant make a list. life is ironic that way. in much the same way that we say our well wishings to each other when departing. its ironic to me that the ones that may mean the least to me, go out of their way to say something to me before they leave... while the ones that may mean the most to me, refuse to say anything to me. im not so sure what to make of it. im not so sure i should make anything of it. but in time, im certain that i will.

in time im sure i can make anything certain. time too is ironic. as it draws near, i recall myself saying words a year ago, that still i wonder why i said. i said at my birthday; as my wish for myself.. that i will find someone that will mean something to me, and that i will mean something to them. now that its time is almost expired; i can tell you with the irony, that is life, that im quite possibly farther from that now, than i was a year ago. sometimes even i wonder about it all. about the irony of life. about the inherent flaws and fallability of our dreams, and how life sees to those weaknesses. sometimes even i wonder about what i should be thankful for, from the despair and the emptiness of my solitude, even i know that i do have something to be thankful for.

" ill always be.... a soldier of fortune "



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