Current Musical Selection: GnR - Estranged [live in Tokyo]

gee what can i say... break was short, not overly calming, and now im right back here again. break didnt get any of my homework done, break didnt give me any sense of rest or relaxation, and i certainly didnt get any shopping or anything done over break. what a waste. i should have expected to get shit done... really only took 2 and a half days off; and from that count out several hours to mass family shit; more hours to hanging with friends, and more hours to sleeping... and i -magically- didnt get jack shit done.

homework and bullshit work are the main themes for me until the end of the semester i have: 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 4.5 hour exam, 1 final stats presentation, 2 quizes, then... finals week. not to mention arh bullshit, plus dealing with whatever else seems to come up. honestly, im not sure if im going to make it through all of this. as of right now i only have 1 response paper, and notes for 1 term paper done. i havent even looked at the material for my law class... which in all honesty i should have started studying for a month ago. this semester is going to kick my ass. until now, i had really, nothing going; then the last 3 weeks of the semester, everyone decides to make everything due, and everything has to be fucking ass 10 pages or more in length. not fair, not even useful.

couldnt believe how big of a mess my desk is. i cleaned up my room before i left, but not my desk. stacks of shit everywhere. cd's all over, paper and notes and bs like that about 3 inches deep. all i have is a small hole to move my mouse and to put my keys down. room even got cold enough last night i had to turn the heat on [if you know me, you know thats almost sacralige for me to do]. sometimes i hate this place. when i walked back in here last night, i just felt tired again. it was like i felt the stress of everything else just sit down on my shoulders when i went through the doorway. even as much as i could complain about being at home; i didnt feel like that there. only when i came back here does it all come back. with all the papers and work to be done, im not sure i like that feeling.

this weekend also had some other interesting moments. for one, i met a real live whore. not a prostitute; but a whore. a girl, who is 16, that has allegedly slept with 48 men--starting when she was 12. the current beau, is older than me. disgusting, was the first word that came to mind. intriguing was the next. anyone who hears someone profess a lifestyle like that should be all and out repulsed by it; and i was. but what started to get to me later on was thinking of how one could get to that point. then i started thinking about what i was doing at 12 years old... it sure as hell wasnt sex. i probably wasnt even starting to think about sex at that point... i would have been playing baseball and just getting into music... at 12 i bought my first GnR tape, and my first Nine Inch Nails tape. no where near getting pounded by some high-school aged chick. but i guess thats just me. and i guess alot of people arent like me. next i tried to rationalize why you could do that to yourself. i started comming up with a blank, but ive eventually settled on poor family relationships. the girl mentioned several comments about her father; none of which were very revealing; but all suggested to me, that shes doing this for attention. by now, im sure shes made herself believe in what shes doing, and truely like it; but im sure it started out as a way of attention- as a way to reinforce or suppleant a strong father-daughter relationship that was never there; which probably progressed into a similar social structure. [ie- her friends probably exhibited the same behavior, if not, the ones she kept imitated it and supported her... but by the sounds of it, they seem to engage in the same acts she does]. id probably guess that a mother is non-existent, that the father probably likes his booze, and by the grand scheme of things, they arent the wealthiest family in town. but none of my psycho babble means anything to this girl who does this. while she was over, she kept making comments that would strongly suggest shes seeking attention; and with her self-spoken love of 'older men' i think its tough to deny the type of relationship shes seeking. more over, i guess its tough to deny the type of future shes building for herself too. couldnt imagine anything positive comming from experiences like that; much less from someone who is proud of it all. i can sit back and think of the women ive been through, and although the number is much, much lower than was probably the norm for my age, i can still say im not very proud of it- i wish it was lower. but for someone, who under iowa law cant even drive by themselves yet, to have had sex with 48 strangers [she slept with the new guy the first night she met him], its hard to comprehend where all of that is going to lead her. one friend suggested porno. i disagree... shes got atleast 2 full years before she can show up on american made pornos LEGALLY. i suppose she can do some creepy jap kiddy porn work; but really, even as a prostitute she should have a ways to wait still. i guess what gets to me is how a girl like her does it. i dont question what i know, which is really anyone can be made to like something--- but the idea at first, when its still fresh... it cant have been too appealing to her. not at 12 years old. i suppose in this day and age, its not uncommon to suspect some form of pedophillia relation or incestual contact within the family, but she seemed to open for that. she seemed to proud for that. generally you find people to be tough to admit that problems like that exist at home; and when you do, they arent happy to say it. i just cant get over why she would be. she was proud to show it. the whole time she kept feeling up the new beau, even to his dissproval... several requests of 'stop it' 'cut it out' 'whats wrong with you' and 'dont' were heard, but it didnt work. she also was overly flirtatious and quick to respond in cutesy ways, attempting to attract the attention of the other 3 males in the room. it wasnt right. all the signs would suggest something other than what was sitting in the room. in that room was a 16 year old girl, who had enough make up on to cover up if she was 11, wearing kid like glasses, in a sunday-school type skirt and sweater outfit; who would look more in place laying on a bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and mandy more posters, talking about how cute carson daily is to her friends on the phone. but that wasnt all what she was.

i tried to think about how id handle that if i was a parent, and my daughter turned out like that. and i couldnt think of anything that would work. honestly, id probably beat the shit out my kid. id hope it would never progress to the point where he/she would reach something like that; but at that point there isnt much left to do. my child would have broken really every rule and expectation id have had for them; and what then? what do you tell the child who has done that to you? God banished them from the garden, and while thats not a bad way to handle it... its still your child out there then. at 16, you are legally obligated to care for them, even if you can break the chains of moral ownership. so what then? i couldnt imagine that situtation; much less that her parents seemed to be accepting of it all [based on what she said]. still at a loss for words for it all.

as some of you know, i had a long time, no-good relationship with someone. sometimes i mention it all in passing here, but i try not to dwell on her too much, although i know i do. [post edit - read back a few for more info on her, the long email and the poem were both about her... S.A.] While at home i found myself driving aimlessly, at 5:30 in the morning. ive been doing alot of thinking about the past, and about the future lately... and i dont know why; but at 5:30 in the morning; i find myself parked about a house down from hers, on her street. i guess i didnt know what i was doing there, but i was still there. yeah, its thanksgiving night, and im sitting there in the dark, with the engine running; and i have no clue why im sitting there. Lights are all off, no one seems to be around; and its not like id be expected here. honestly, i might be one of the last people that shed want around. so i sat there. for a while i thought to myself how bad it must look if anyone saw me there. i felt like a stalker; i felt like i was obsessed. but i dont think i was, and i dont think that i am. i think what i wanted was an end to it all. i wanted the end that i never got. i wanted some sort of finality to all the shit that had happened; i wanted something more that me just hanging up on her. i wanted more than empty promises as a goodbye. i wanted to have some sort of nasty, drag-out knock-down, fuck-off for good fight. i also wanted one of those heartfelt teary, blury, so long's. i never got anything i wanted. so i sat there thinking about it all. i thought of all the times id parted with myself to do things for her. i thought about all the compromises and the bullshit i put up with just to have something. and i thought about how it wasnt worth any of it; none of it. when all of it was happening, it was just one constant stream of frustrations; one new turn of events after another. and now ive got all the time in the world to sit and remember it all; to let it all just keep playing over and over. to sit and wish maybe id have said something different, to wish maybe id been a bit more understanding. while i sat there, i cut my own thoughts off. i began to see it how i always should have. i began to think that, maybe i did do everything right; maybe i was understanding, and maybe i shouldnt have been. maybe i should have just given her the fuck-off back then. maybe id have learned something now about it then. i still havent gotten what i wanted.

i thought about whats going on now. i thought, maybe things will change... maybe, just maybe Axl had it right, that "when i find out all the reasons, maybe ill find another way; find another day. with all those changing season of my life, maybe ill get it right next time" as the song says. but im not so sure of it all. Axl also told us that "we both know hearts can change" and that sure as fuck didnt happen either. not even when you wanted it to change, it didnt happen. even now when i sit and look at myself, and i think im sure of what im doing; im not. i think, and i act, in a way that i tell myself is right and proper; and they way i treat certain people is just nothing. and i lie to myself about it. i know its not what i want. if anything from her, _ _ _ _ tought me that im never going to get what i want; not even when i fight for it. and it made me angry when ive thought about it in the past. but not when i was sitting there in the car. not this time. and im not sure why. i guess i thought more of what it all meant to me; and now im starting to let go; but i never got the chance to let go. not that it makes any difference to her. but it makes a difference to me. i used to think that none of it bothered me. it did. but i used to try to force myself to think it was normal, and it was all ok, and despite getting screwed up the ass; it had its positive moments. im still trying to believe that. i do some days. but not that night, not sitting there looking at it all, wondering why i never felt like i did right then before. i wondered to myself why i ever cared about her. i wondered why i would even want to sit and think about her. i wondered why i even kept her in my prayers for so long. litterally years afterwards, id still include her. not that it mattered much. not that shed care. not that i should have. but i did. and even then i realized i still never got what i wanted. and it doesnt matter anymore. and im still bitter.

i guess im only bitter because it still ruins me. i sit and talk to some girls, and it doesnt come up. but sometimes, with certain ones; it feels like im back in it again. it feels like im not talking to you, it feels like im talking to her. it feels like im getting fucked over again, and you still dont care... just like she didnt. all of that got to me as i was sitting there. all of it started to make me mad again. some of it was about her, and some of it was with whats going on now. alot of it all made sense. after all the shit i put up with this weekend from people, hearing their comments, hearing their jeers about me; i just wanted it to stop. only so many times you hear shit about how youre single, how youre an dissappointment, how even 'family' can see that youd be un-attractive enough not to get a girl... only so much you want to hear. then youre sitting in silence. you are sitting in a car, on a dark street, and its all right in front of you. and it still doesnt make sense. it never made sense why the one time you wanted something to be different; it was more of the same... it was so much like every other time, that you made yourself think it was different. but there wasnt anything different there. there wasnt anything there at all. its funny how the past is like the present. its funny how you find someone, that really is different, but really nothing is different. nothing is there. its funny how you want it all to be different, and its all the same. its like its a pattern. a pattern that doesnt break; a pattern that fits every size and every occasion, and its allready there when you get there. it just follows you. when you say things, its got the replies made up. when you try to do something; its got their reaction completed. and when you try to care again; its ready to cut that part out. so many things i thought i knew, i thought were different; just really never were. so many things that now, id like to change, that now id want to be; i know wont. its funny how it all makes sense that easy. its funny how easy you can put your hands on it with one touch; how easy it is to feel the form, to feel it breathe to feel it be with one touch. it stays with you. that first touch never leaves you. its just so simple, so comforting, so reassuring. and then its gone. and then you have the rest of your life to remember it.

" for many times it would seem just like a memory
i searched and found the way to choose the end
i found the ways, why it had to be
mired in denial and so far away " *

with that simple touch i reached in the glove box and pulled it out. the steel was cold to the touch and gleamed in the street light. the nickel plating was polished and slick. i put it on the seat next to me to look at it. i thought about what i needed to do and what i wanted it all to end up like. and i knew i had to do this. i knew it had to end sometime. i dont want to loose the memories, i dont want to loose the freedom; but i did need to do this. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a picture. it was a picture of her that id had for awhile; one i rather liked. one i dont show people, just one that i like to keep to remember her by. i thought i knew what it all was, but i was wrong. i thought i knew how it was supposed to turn out; but i was wrong again. thats when i rolled down the window and reached over to the seat. i looked around, the street was still quiet, and i took one last look at her house. i dont know if she was there or not. but i knew it never really mattered, no one would really know that. i closed my hand around it, and sparked the lighter to life. i watched the flame for a second; before i lit the picture on fire. i watched it burn. i watched the edges turn black, and run into the middle of the picture. i saw it crumple in my fingers and smoke. then i flipped it out the window into the street. and i drove away.

i drove away because im done with it. i drove because i wanted to leave it behind; i wanted to end it on my terms. i wanted it to stop being something in the back of my mind. i wanted it to stop being something that just sits in my chest when i hear her name. i wanted to stop wanting her. i want something new to come along to take her place. i dont want to be the person stuck hanging on to something that i never had. id much rather be the person hanging on to something that i do have. even though i dont have anything... and people are probably right, i wont get anything; it something that just has to end sometime. its just got to end that i can try to be happy about what im not happy about; its got to end that im content to pretend and play the game when its not what i want. its about finding something to say, rather than finding the time to say it. i wish things could be different, i wish that i could be allowed to say what i want to, when i want to; to whom i want to... but if ive learned anything , i should have learned that patience doesnt necessarily pay off. it wont pay off whats not there to begin with.

ain't it fun~
s.

*- lyrics to Madagascar, by GnR