Current Musical Selection: Edvard Grieg - Ase's Death Theme, from Peer Gynt Suite Number 1

such a long time since ive been here. really ive got alot to say; but im not sure how to say any of it. hopefully the classical will balance out my mood a bit better; music is supposed to be mood altering... but i find that music tends to be mood reflective with me. if im angry, i play angry music. if im happy, its happy music. lately its been angry music. its been moody music. its been alot of stuff that i just dont know why that ive been playing. i may as well just start in with it all...

stress is a major deal in my life right about now. it seems that each day only brings more; each day only brings worse stress than the day before. when i try to go to sleep in the morning [emphasize try], alot of times i cant. my head is too full of whats going on, im not tired; im wound up to keep going. and it catches up. there was a day last week or so that was nearly impossible for me to even get out of bed. at first, i knew i had to, and i could. then it changed more to a mental blockage, and i created something in my head to keep me from going. after an hour of lying there, watching the ceiling and the clock; i couldnt even physically force myself to get up. it just wasnt worth it. its not right. everyday i know ive got to get back into it, maybe deeper than i was the day before, if for no other reason than vain attempt to staunch the flow that will become tomorrow. it never works. but its the hope i have to hold onto. somedays its parents bitching at me over email or on the phone; some times its some scary representatives from corporations far, far away calling at 8 in the morning, or 9 at night. nothing is sacred to them anymore. email was compromised nearly from the begining, then came my other personal email account; which no one is supposed to know about. that followed with calls at work; calls to Res Services for me; calls to my room; and now calls on my cell phone, again a number no one is supposed to know. then there is the postal mail. it started comming to me at Res. Services; then to my office; then to my room, now it even comes to my parents house. its hard to escape it all. like i said, nothing is sacred. i received business related phone calls on my personal cell phone when i was taking time off at a funeral this summer. and even then, they werent happy when i was short with them on the phone for it. everybody just has to have a piece of me. it seems that at any one point in time, im missing a meeting, late for another or was just mentioned at another i had no idea was in progress. i used to laugh about it. last year it was funny; we always made the joke that my name was being thrown around in all the circles of people in the know at the university. now.... now its not so funny. now its a fact of life. and i cant say i dont enjoy it. i do. it makes it all interesting. it makes it all too interesting. id much rather spend my time doing this kind of think 9 to 5, then go sit in some rank classroom with barwhores and frat boys, trying to make sense of low level concepts. i wish professors respected my decisions not to attend class. wed be so much better off that way. they only add to my stress. god knows i dont need any more of it.

i suppose you could say there is always something lacking in my life, in my own mind if nothing else. its tough being who i am. alot of the bullshit with the job means im all but inaccessable to friends, family, and god forbid obtaining a date. i guess thats not right of me to say really. i have fun. i have friends. and i certainly do have family. i see my family on limited basis; but i talk to them no less than once a week. i see some of my friends everyday. some of them, i choose not to. some of them i havent seen in weeks; and all i get are a few words on instant messenger now and again. its gets tired and worn doing that. there is only so far you can take a relationship with someone you never see, and im surprised how fast they can deteriorate when you dont see them. im also surprised by how much i miss some people. you see someone maybe 3 times a week, maybe not for long each time; but you honest to god, love every fucking minute of time. then it becomes once a month, at best. and then, its not really talk... its not really hanging out. its just seeing them. it just doesnt work. i miss having the old relationships that i do. i try to keep everything up. i spend as much time as possible talking to the people that matter to me, and the rest? not so much. but i try. the effort is there. i dont think anyone has the right to say i dont try, and i know they take it for granted. there are some days where i know, just by seeing the pile of shit to start with, ill never get through it all; and even so, ill stop and make the time to talk with people. i always make the time for them. i suppose thats what hurts everything else i do. i really shouldnt do that. i really should just keep at what im supposed to and just say fuck the rest of them; fuck the rest of it. but i dont want to do that. i guess i just wish people would realize what i do once in a while. i dont go looking for excuses or credit. i do look for understanding and acceptance. maybe if the powers that be would just understand what i do and cut me some slack, and maybe if i actually got something back from the people that i take my time out for; it would be worth it.

thinking back on it all, there really is something lacking in my life. i see everyone around me with someone else. minus a few exceptions; because the rule allways has exceptions; but i dont want to be one of them. i dont want it to be a life long goal to end up with a girl. it certainly looks that way. and everyone all ways tells me something bullshit like that as 'advice' if i even start to bring it up. all i can say is its not fair. ive had people ask me why i dont have a girlfriend; yet the same people also couldnt come up with a list of girls that would be interested. ive had girls tell me that id be perfect... but not for them.... or anyone that they know. its a pattern ive noticed. a pattern that likely has no end; or has no end that i should be happy about. and yet, they tell me to cheer up, to be happy... such crap. its about the lies that we tell each other, and its about the truths we wont say. its about the feelings we hide, and the others that we just play along with. i sit and watch and listen to so many people who arent happy with their current situation or 'other', and not a one of them would rather leave them. being alone is that bad of an alternative. people should try it. people should go for absolute years with nothing - with no hope - with no contact - without a chance in fucking blackest hell, of anything. then they should sit and give advice about being happy. then they should sit and give advice about being hopeful, and about knowing it all will come some day. they think it does. they honestly think that in the end its all going to come up roses for each and every one of us. i just shake my head, and i know its just one of those little lies we tell each other. no one ever wants to come out and say it, not even when you give them free reign to say whatever it really is, they still wont say it. its not allways them, im guilty of it as the next man. ive got alot of things id like to say, that i know people dont want to hear. they arent bad, infact they are almost all things that i think would feel good to say. but i dont. its just another bunch of truths we wont say to each other. its hard not to be truthful sometimes, sometimes it just bleeds through; like an open wound gushing through gauze, every moment of it matters, every shred is very real, and every drop means something. its not about life adn death; its just about truth and happiness. its just about wanting what you can never have. its about sitting the bench. forever. and it never matters what position you play, you wont get the call. your job is just to stay out of the game. some days it hurts. some days you just try not to think about it. but it comes up. and the harder you push it down, the worse it comes back to the surface, and its never any different. it never changes. its an odd feeling to have. wading out here in a sea of women, and knowing that when you reach for one, any one, they drift farther away. and youd think that sometime, that with all this movement, youd get close to one of them. and then they are gone. even sitting still, you might think that movement would bring them closer. and they keep their distance like never before. its like that. its like watching it all from the shore, and just seeing it move, and seeing you flounder and splash around, just mixing up the water more, and watching them move away. and even those moments, when you just close your eyes, and let go... just let it all go and sink. making that choice in your head to stop fighting it, to stop fighting for it; and you slide down depeer. no one is even curious. no one seems to even care. for all those times when youve tried, for all those times when youve fought for your piece of it all; it still goes unnoticed. and its sad. i can think back to all the times where, even just being me, is over looked. where saying something nice, where doing something nice, never mattered. and thats ok. but its when you try, its when you stop and go out of your way, each time, everytime, and you never matter. thats when it hurts. and it hurts the most when you want it. it hurts the most when you do it for a reason, and still no one cares. it hurts because it works for everyone but you. anyone but you. you can just watch them all do it. watch it happen, half-assed; its received like the greatest miracle jesus could perform; its like lazarus comming back from the dead. but for the guy that does care; for the guy that does try, hes just someother two-bit know-nothing in the crowd. and he gets pushed to the back of the crowd. put him back there where no one will see him; and make way for the new guy. its always about the new guy, never about the one youve allready seen. we all want the flashy guy. the cute guy. the guy thats rich. the guy that youll have to learn to love and like. they guy that probably doesnt care about you. they guy thats going to have to be tamed, and taught to like just you, and respect only you. why would we want anything else... anything less than that isnt worth it. anything less than that, isnt what everyone else would want. thats the idea behind it all, thats what makes it hard to get through the days, thats what makes it impossible to have hope... knowing that whatever i may have, whatever good i may bring, whatever i could do; ill always be less than that of someone else, less than anyone else.

" whose in here, hiding from the outside world || whose out there confused and alone || one more day i feel like this || one step closer to finding your grip || its a long way down || such a long way down || cant speak, its too bleak for others, That Day... || so bleak, i cant speak for others... That Day... || long way down || long way down || such a long way down || so bleak to the world , so bleak to the world || now im starting to see it fall down " **

the days to just seem to drag by. nothing much to give me separation; i get up to finish the work from yesterday, and go to bed starting tomorrows work. each day keeps going, like a never ending version of last week; where its all scripted, where you havent had any break from any of it... and it keeps going. im not sure how its any better for kids here. there week consists of skipping classes, to the point you cant tell what day it is, then going out until 3 in the morning every night... and they only way they can tell what day it actually is, is by the drink specials at the bar of their choice. what a life. these people are the future leaders of the workforce. congradulations america; these people, are your hope for the future of this country. people like me? were getting phased out. people like me are in short supply- by design! everyone else doesnt want someone like me around. ill be the type of person that will make you work on mondays, well because its your job to. ill be the type of person to deny socialistic pay increases to everyone; ill opt for my own merit and incentive based system. im also the person thats going to ride your ass for 8 continuous hours to get the job done, and done right; i wont be letting you read the newspaper or call your friends on my dime. people dont want me around their job; ill make it work. theyd much rather keep it 'happy fun time, that i get paid for'. but not today. no, today you all have dragged me down with your attendance points, your busy work term papers, and your comprehensive final exams over thousands of pages and 70 days worth of discussions. for now, you have the upper hand. for now you can allow students, of lesser quality than me, admittance to this school based on their skin color, you can favor those that posess athletic talent over people like me; even in criminal matters; and the best part is, you can indulge me with your queer fetishes, sinntastic lifestyles and innappropriate displays of morales gone awry; and yes, for now you make me speak in tongues [diversity, political correctness, and group feelings], yes for now you have the upper hand on me. for now, you control the lever that makes my days from lesser to great varieties and intensities of Shit. and the only thing i have to look forward to is, someday it will all be over. much like a prisoner in captivity; i have to sit and remove myself mentally from the damage you do to me everyday; i have to loose my sense self, if i ever hope to emerge from this. for now you force me to break down, and break away from what i know and what i believe but some day there will be a time when you will not. break my arms, tear my flesh, and scar my soul, but eventually i will return to the dream that i hold in my head... the dream that is life outside of this institution. the dream thats only a faint memory at times. the dream that you have been able to wrench away from me day after day.

but until that day, i sit here; in this blackest hell. the hole that is solitude and confinement in a world of opportunity, isnt that what you call it? it is my own prison that i build, and i do surely dig myself in deeper, and pile the rocks higher around me, find the cold layers between us to be soothing and comforting; but never enough for me to feel at ease; never enough for me to put down my guard.

** Fly Banger - Bleak [alternate version]