Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Blues Juice
[dont bother looking this one up, you wont find it! ask me to hear it sometime... some great homegrown blues, in the classic style]


anger management.
im bad at being angry. i guess i dont have any real way to show any steps of anger, besides being furious. so what happens when you dont want to show someone your mad, or they leave before you can be mad? well, i left. i got so fed up with this constant shit, i had to leave. thats it, zip gone. and i returned to the time-tested friend of 'alcohol' to see me through it all. its a horrible way to do things. kids, dont be like me. im not going to make it seem bad, i didnt even get tipsy/buzzed/light headed but its not a mechanism that should be used. when youre mad, you need to tell someone. i dont always do it well. tonight i did, tonight i told Mr. Guiness, and several of the Pints about it all. they didnt have much to say back to me. but i guess thats good. they listen to me. they ought to, i paid good money for their time. besides, they dont believe in making me mad, only in helping me through my problems. yeah. that sounds like something a raging alcoholic would say. again, i stress that im not that bad. but it was necessary. ive got to have some way to resolve it all. i want to scream sometimes. if people only knew what id like to say, id like to think i wouldnt have any of these problems. which is funny. i dont think i know any person that would describe me as "quiet" or "shy"; yet, for me now, its a serious problem of not getting to say what id like to say. thats what makes me mad. time after time; day after day; it just builds. getting rid of it... thats anger management for me. its bad when it happens. it means ive let it go too far. ive let it get to me. yeah. anger management skills.


change of pace
going out isnt something i do. i did that. ive been out, ive tried that route, and none of it appeals to me, or gets me what it does for other kids i guess. so i dont. and when i do, its because i have to get out; because i have to get away from everything. and so i did. i disappear to one of several places that i frequent for this reason. dont worry, youll never find me if you look. even if you knew where to go, and when id be there; if i see you, i walk right out the door. getting away from people is what i have to do sometimes. sometimes, its just a necessary change of pace. walking with a skip instead of a strut. while i was there, i heard some wonderful music. [yes, its also interesting how in this dejected state, hearing the blues cheers me up] and i had some good think time. i thought alot about what im doing. alot of times i had to answer myself with 'i dont know' because i dont. i really dont know what im doing anymore. i know that what i dont want is whats happening now. i know that its time to change things. im due for a change of pace.


conflict resolution
i think in life we all want answers. answers are usually whats in short supply. sometimes it just might be where to go next, or what color shirt do i wear; usually, they are trivial. but sometimes you hit a genuine question; that you need an answer to. it seems like those are the ones you can never answer yourself. seems like you need to have other people think about it too. which is truely ironic. maybe on a decision about your personal feelings, you have to consulate someone else. and thats funny... i mean, what the fuck would they know about you, and how you think, and anything like that. but you do it. and so did i. just like it should, an answer comes back to me. just like you could have guessed; its probably not the answer you wanted to hear. this time i wasnt so sure. it could be the right answer. it could really be, that i "shouldnt waste my time on it" and i should just "move on and do other things that are worth it" as the answer was phrased to me tonight. im not so sure. im not doubting that its probably right. im just doubting whether its the answer thats best for me. its probably right. but part of me wants to keep going. part of me wants to stop and just think it through. just think of what could be, and what couldnt be. then balance it out. pick whatever seems right for me based on that. pick whatever is going to get something. conflict resolution. make it end. stop the insanity of this inbetween shit; and cut me an answer. but thats not quite how it works. its never as simple as pressing a button and getting what you want. its takes alot more than that to make it through the day.


and in the end?
so im not sure. what i want to do is think about it. explore what my options are. but that ultimately is taking action that is probably not going to end up in my favor. it just wouldnt. maybe if it was picking out what color shirt to wear, id feel better about putting them all on the bed and trying them all on. but not for this. see, what im stuck on is what i should be thinking about other people. how well on the scale of humannity and friendship, should i let them rank? if i even explore the options of where to go; im allowing myself to think its possible to rank them higher. but based on what ive been shown; thats not the case. what probably is true: You dont give a shit less about me than any other random person. You might lie and tell me you do; You might tell me alot of these things, that You might not tell anyone else about... but You dont care about me. and its really up to me to push that or not. it frustrates me alot to think about it... so i havent. i keep myself from even wanting to think about it, because i know the answer to it. so really in the end, where does this leave me at? yeah, poor old me. sitting back 3 paces from the starting line. what do you do? i dont know. all i know is tonight was about me letting go of the frustration you cause me, the frustration that you may never know about.

ain't it fun~
s.