once again its silent in here. sometimes i just get in the mood, where any noise is a distracting noise. and ive had enough distractions. once again, i found a reason not to get anything done today; why? tonight was a huge 3 movie Eastwood marathon.. all of my favorite westerns from the late 60's, For A Few Dollars More, High Plains Drifter, The Good The Bad and The Ugly... all on tonight... that took pretty much from dinner time to 1am... so much for getting things done. again, like i need another reason not to get anything done.

getting what done is a better question, to ask myself. nothing motivates me around here any more. and its not that im an un-motivateable person. i hit things, and i run right through them to get the job done. but classes arent doing it for me anymore. sitting and listening to some old professor rail some point to death, just isnt making it click for me. even reading the additive literature for the classes in lieu of class; isnt cutting it with me any more. im not motivated to sit and "learn" in that environment any longer. i see what i want to do with my life, and sitting in a classroom listening to this garbage isnt it. besides the fact, the material is useless. none of my classes really mean anything to me. and i seriously doubt ill use anything from them ever [how useful is the Old Testament to an attorney?] but its not just that. im motivated and focused on other things... arh takes up so much of my time; not because it has to, but maybe because i let it. i do enjoy it. although alot of people are making that very difficult for me to do.

ive also found im not especially motivated to move on in my life. im not seeing anything to go for. im not seeing whats so special that i should do. i know what i want out of life, but thats so far off, there isnt much to do about it. im more concerned about the here and now; and in the present, i dont have alot going for me. its like drag racing a car, but leaving it in neutral after the first 50 yards. i see alot of people going past me, i see my self past alot more people. and i guess i just find myself almost content to sit idle. thats not right. thats not what its supposed to be like. im supposed to want to move to the next step, work for the next big thing. not just sit back and smell the roses... and there are no roses to smell. so im just sitting. its frustrating. i guess alot of it has to do with frustrating things in my life. alot of shit is complicated, waaaay beyond the complication that it should be. i make it worse. i make myself go through it all. and i really do hate myself for it. but im not the only one with that devotion; plenty of other people see fit to drag shit to my doorstep every day, and just make life one big bag of dog shit in your laundry cycle.

its frustrating. its tough to get up every day and see the same shitty world around me. its not surprising i sleep in so late some days. its not that i dont have anything to do; its just that i dont care about doing it. none of it has much effect on my life in the end; and by and by someone else will just take care of it. someone else will care. but not about me. see ive sat and thought about what really gets to me. it came up in conversation the other day with someone [who now magically avoids dealing with me online... how original that is]; and somehow i came to the conclusion that ive really never had someone who cared as much for me as i cared for them. maybe once or twice ive noticed a stalkerish person who seems to try to attach themselves to me. but really. in a sense of real, confined and conceited efforts for mutual relationships, nothing has been mutual about it. im still left with the same old annimosity at the end of the day, and thats difficult. even today; i just have someone on my mind and i just cant seem to ever express anything about it. and its bullshit---its total bullshit that i dont. its got nothing to do about not wanting to do it, or not wanting to say it. its about letting them limit me; before they even know. i stop myself from saying anything, because i let them stop me from saying it. but that doesnt change a thing. it just dams up everything. its all pent up. some day im just going to loose it. i hate that feeling. i hate the feeling, that im back in the same position that ive allways been put in. even when i think to myself, that ive done everything different this time; it all ends up the same. i start to wonder, if this is a different situation, or its just a different colored carousel. i try every time to do it differently. i try every time to see this through as a different set of things. i try not to make the same mistakes. and i find myself held up on the same problems. i find myself labeled as "just a friend" or as someone who "doesnt count" or just someone who gets used as the emotional cruch. and by and large, its the cruch that gets thrown away when the leg is healed. i never wanted to be that person. i never wanted to be the one thats allways removed from the group. i suppose ive never wanted to be the big ugly guy. but i am. and that limits it. it limits me, and i take whatever i can get. thats why i settled for people in the past. thats why i just crucified myself time and time again for some people. because there isnt any alternative. there arent any other fish in the sea. thats all you get. you either eat, and get sick from bad food; or you just starve to death. and as much as im mad and angry about getting sick all the time; it beats the hell out of my alternatives. it beats the hell out of being totally alone. sure friends are one thing, parents and family are another. but im to the point in my life where id like---i want, to have a relationship with a girl thats not based out of necessity. id like to actually have someone accept me for me, and like me for me. then make that decision of being with me. and i know i dont see any of that comming true any more. im so young, thats what i get told, but i dont see alot of room for this stuff to change. really in the nearly 10 years of my sexual/emotional consciousness, i see the lay of the land. and i hate it. that bothers me. but so does what i settle for. i cant like settling. no one should. by definition its getting what you didnt want. so i settle to be the friend. i settle to hear the stories about people and their exploits. i settle to become the shoulder that gets cried upon time after time. i settle to be the person thats never going to be considered. why the hell should they? they get what they want. they get someone who takes up all the slack of who they want. i get to be responsible for the emotional and intellectual things that appearntly people wont fullfill for them. i just cant ever get what they get. someone. i cant ever get anyone; and why is that? because i guess im not good enough for that. ive never wanted to be petty and think about it that way; but they do. they sit and make that fucking decision, each time; everytime, that says NOT THIS GUY, GIVE ME THE CUTE GUY. and they do it. they all take the one with looks, and work around all the othe faults. instead of just one time taking the guy thats got everything else, but work around the looks. and thats just not going to change over night. thats what kills my motiviation to initiate anything. it stops it cold, when i sit and think about it for an hour. i drive for an hour, just to think about it. and i know its not going to change.

no one would care anyway. i sit and think about what id do if say someone actually gave a shit and a half about me. [yeah yeah, play along people, we all agree it wont happen] but for the sake of argument alone; i dont know what id do with myself. ive never gotten the chance to be in a relationship where i could express myself in the realm of real and accepting settings. i suppose it wouldnt change what id do, but im not sure about that. i see how it works with everyone else. i see how people treat each other... boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives; and its not how id do it. but i dont know how id do it. everything ive ever had experience with has been up hill. all i know is how to fight to get and keep attention; knowing damn well they dont want me. thats got to be different. thats got to be a bad way to try and go into normal relations with another person. its going to burn out. its going to cause problems. but its all i know. its all i know how to do; to fight for every inch of space, and to keep fighting for it; because the second i drop my guard, im just a friend again. im just back in the limbo area of not being overly important to anyone. im back in that area where im not appealing to anyone. and im tired of being there. but that doesnt mean its going to change.

all i know is nothing changes. ive said it before, but i can stand and scream an shout and be pissed off... but thats not going to change anything. i can try to be calm, and carring and understanding; and im going to get berated, and walked on. i can try to be sensitive or creative, but im going to get burnt in creative ways. i can just be apathetic, and they will beat me to the punch. i can want to have someone, and know its not going to happen. and why isnt it? fuck thats not fair, thats not right. but that is. it is and it will. and people get mad at me, and tell me its sad the way i talk about what i think lifes going to end up for me; but i dont. i guess i lost that feeling for it. i guess that part of it died awhile ago. i can see myself being in my late 30s or 40s, being divorced, with no kids, a soon-to-be exwife that hates me, with nothing to show for it. i can see myself has having worked my ass off to keep a relationship going, and i can see myself getting dumped like i always have. ive allready vowed that im never going to get remarried. i never want to get divorced either, but thats probably not going to stop Her in the future, will it?


sorry for the bitchy rant... ill cut myself off there... sleep might do me some good...