Current Musical Selection: Fear Factory - Flashpoint

well my friends, its all come to an end, yet again. according to my calendar, we are shit out of days in this semester, and we can thankfully look forward to the new, and regretfully look back upon the old. i was trying to think of what to say about it all. couple people were pestering me about this semester, and how its all shaken out. im not sure. alot of things have come up and gone, some things never made the radar; and some stuff came out of left field and never went away. although ill write alot more on new years or so, about the entire year; i guess i can say somethings about this semester explicitly...

for one, i cant say much about my classes. i think ive had the worst attendance of any student in this university.. it was poor, even for my standards. somewhere around lmid/late october, the uselessness of it all hit me again. usually i can supress it enough to keep going infrequently; not this time. i stopped going mentally, if i did happen to wander in physically. its terrible of me. it kicked my ass in a few respects later on for it, but im most let down by how i can still slide by. sure, my GPA is crap... and getting worse, but i think i made it by again. nothing about these classes seemed to warrant my interest. not even the ones i picked as fun alternatives to class... even those got boring and laborious after a few weeks. nothing really that i wanted to spend my afternoons on. what did i? ARH. i sound like a fanatical madman, but i really think people never think twice to the amount of time ive logged in for it all, just this year= nevermind last year! if im not there, im thinking about it. if im not dealing with paper, someones talking to me about it. if its a day off, that means i can have 'fun' conversations with hall coordinators, students and staff. its depressing what my life has turned out to be; which is really nothing away from the organization. i owe it all to my sense of duty. it needs to be treated as a job; the organization needed the time and effort: it needed some respectability put back into it. maybe i havent done that; but ive tried. so many problems from previous years and boards; that this time was necessary. so i sacraficed that small part of me.... the part that is me. on my floor now i have bundles of paper, reams in size, all of articles and notes that need to be archived and sorted out. so much, that im loosing track of the piles... not the individual paper, but the piles! maybe it will all add up to something, to someone in the future.

people were a big change this semester. we started out the year with a plan, atleast all of us that live upstairs. we wanted it to be our tower, to have our group. we did that. for a while. after that it kinda fell apart. i dunno why. but it did. i doubt any of us would disagree about it. i guess, looking back on it all; it opened up the door for alot of other people to come in. several people int he 'group' now, werent around durring the original plotting sessions. but it was a definite change. also cant forget about the various hookups along the way, it was equally unexpected, yet undeiably destined to happen i suppose. but it all did change. me, myself? i met alot of people this year, been introduced to alot more; have several other people who i know can call friends. left alot of other people behind as well. somedays i really feel guilty for it. even if i just constrain it to the people that ive neglected just this semester. maybe i dont feel as guilty for that, as i do for sacrificing time with them/for them, and using it on other people. i think this semester brough alot of wasted time, wasted people into my life. lots of shit came up and became something that maybe wasnt deserving of my time, and i regret that. so if you are one of those people, that maybe i left off the hook... im sorry. really i am. if you happen to be one of the people i may waste my time on; dont make me feel that way. and for all the new arrivals and old friends; its been real. i guess ill leave it at that... i promise... a long, long, long introspective look come the end of the year. ive got alot of things to say about what its been. and i guess i see it as really being the end of the year, even though i have a few weeks to go. thats me being me, selling myself short, and cutting things off before they are done. two weeks can hold alot. in two weeks the entire wold can change; just a year ago we changed the world in a matter of minutes, and plastered it all over live tv for proof, so whos to say nothings going to change in the two weeks i have left? i do. i think the next couple of weeks is going to be me, lying low, doing nothing, sleeping in. i doubt anything will change. i guess, i dont want anything to change... i just want to make it through. just want to make it.

lifes been slow the past few days... hence no entries. its been a difficult time. for me, its all alot easier if i have things to pass the time with. when its slow, like it has been lately; everything just seem to drag on. when im idle; i sit on things alot more. i start thinking things out more [more than i usually do], and i start noticing little things that aggrivate me more, than when im busy enough not to notice it. the past week or so has seen like a month. that should tell you how bad its been. soper is probably right, it seems longer because we all spent alot of nights staying up, studying and doing exams. im no different; almost 3 days straight without sleep. then another 2 days solid for finals this week, and still never overcomp'd on my sleep. same schedule for the week, no naps, no nothing. that makes it go slow. time goes by very slow when your so tired of life; so tired of living in first gear. thats what it was like on sleep deprevation. first gear. everything is moving, the motor is just grinding away; your mind never stops thinking [because your making it do so], but everything seems slow... everything seems limited at about 15 miles per hour, no matter how hard you hit the gas pedal. yeah, i guess its like that. life just grinds along. days blur together, hours seem like days, cant even tell when a week passes... its too hard to count that long. it used to go fast. last year i remember having a conversation about it; about how fast time goes. one hall talk would last from midnight to breakfast; some IM conversations would go on so long as to break the program. its funny how things change like that, all within a semester.

as a minor programming note:::::::::::::::::::

ill be going home for break, now that classes are over. blog entries will probably be much less frequent because of it. if they are regular, then they will probably get posted all at once... so be warned. its not that nothings happening, or im neglecting my space. just dial-up sucks that bad. and so does using the family computer. relative to that; i will be around Davenport for nearly a month, so if anyone is in town, or is cutting through it, feel free to find me. likewise, i probably wont be on instant messenger alot. so, im sure some of you will go through withdrawl like i will; but in the event that you do; my cell phone is allways on. call me, or tell me to call you, thats all it takes. in the meantime; may God watch over us all:

and the Lord said; "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16.

an appropriate quote i picked up from my class this semester; until we all meet again

s.