Current Musical Selection: STP - Sex Type Thing

i am, i am, i am, i said i wanna get next to you; i said im gonna get close to you... you wouldnt wanna have me have to hurt ya too? hurtcha too? i aint, i aint, i aint a buyin your apathy, im gonna learn ya my philosophy; wanna learn about atrocity? i know you want whats on my mind, i know you like whats on my mind, i know it eats you up inside, i know you know, you know. i am a man, a man, ill give ya something ya wont forget, i said ya shount have worn that dress, i said ya shoulnt have worn that dress. here i come, i come, i come. i am, i am, i am, i said i wanna get next to you; i said im gonna get close to you...

not sure what to make of it. the last week has been magical hookup week. honestly, i dont think there has been any person left out of this vicious onslaught. some people, three nights in a row now; others just decide to sleep with random people, some get walked home the next day; and im sure there are others just waiting in the wings from what i know. its chaos. part of me says thats nice, go them.. the sensible part of me doesnt like this... any of this. these are all people who work for me. the minute any of this shit starts to go south, i then get to inherit infighting, attitude and disgruntled uncomfortable silence between people. im not looking forward to it, and the day is comming. its gotten so bad, im to the point that im not even able to keep score. in the begining i could, now im just lost; it seems like everything is just comming out of the woodwork. there has got to and end to this all... really, im running out of employees! all i have left are 2 that are untouched by this... one i can only assume is lodged into his own, non office pool, of whatever; the other doesnt seem to be too concerend with it all.... hes the one im scared of. next ill hear one of them is after him. its not right.

i actually got to sleep last night. for anyone that might not know; i had been up continuously since about 8am Tuesday morning; lasting until about 3am Saturday morning, with only a brief 4 hour interlude where i litteraly blacked out on the couch. ive really only pushed myself farther once in my life. im not proud to say it, but i know that im capable of staying up for about 4 days... this was really getting difficult for me to do, but it was very hard to get to sleep when i did. jamie is right; id probably punished my brain so much for trying to sleep, it just wouldnt allow its self to shut down. i scare myself with that kind of will power and conditioning. look at it this way, what if i channeled that into something useful? yeah. that what scares me. instead, i forced myself to do, really, 3 weeks worth of work in one... two major papers, a major presentation, 3 lesser papers, and still only missed 1 class the whole week... plus managed to take care of all the fruit basket everything, have a house meeting, 3 meetings outside the scope, interview potential university president over lunch, and manage to disappear for several hours, 60 miles away on a whim. busy week.

not much else is going on. nothing has changed. nothing will change. change is gone. reality is the name of the game. the reality is ive changed. notice the lack of blue webpage now? i thought black was better. i thought my words might stand out from the page now, rather than blend in. i blend in as it is, and im tired of noticing that. tired of getting placed in the same old groups. label them what you will; 'just a friend' 'poor student' 'non-motivated' 'mean' fuckem all. ive got nothing to prove any more, ive got nothing to sell, ive got nothing to make me do more than i should. i found that lately ive been spending alot of time by myself. some of you have asked about it, i guess i dont have an answer. i guess i dont care all that much, ive never felt that ive needed people around me... ive never felt the need to be wealthy by people. but then again, i think ive been 'feeling' too much lately. ive been thinking too much, ive been feeling too much, ive been wanting too much. maybe its just that people make me sick. people drag me down, and sometimes they push me, the push until they bring out the worst in me. its aggrivating. its frustrating to feel yourself lose your grip on everything, to watch yourself slipping. to be able to remember when everything was squarely in front of you, and now its all on its side, flowing all over the ground.

so not only have i been rather sleep deprived and anti-social of late; ive also felt pretty useless as it comes to women. the current weeks state of affiars isnt helping much, i might add. again, i suppose its all well and good for all of these people to be finding each other... aside from some of the match-ups being slightly creepy and unforseen, generally these are people whom id have said are probably due for someone. not to slam them, but i think each is probably difficutl to match to someone else, i suppose its a good thing that theve been able to find people which they are comfortable around and possibly more forgiving of all the lesser faults we have, and maybe, just maybe, they are much more appreciative of the nicer sides of us all. its hard not to feel left out in it all. not only do you get the obvious, 'i want mine too' when it comes to distributing signifficant-others; but ive noticed the pool of friends has dwindled since all of this started happening. even the group of us hardcore friends on the floor have really started to break up... id say theres about 3 major factions now, 1 is fairly tight, 1 is fairly loose, the third is made up of loose ends. seems that the 2nd group is starting to diminish, and the rest of us leftovers are really having to fend for ourselves. not to mention; once all this other group madness started to occur, there was alot of intermingling and movement across groups-- with the advent of the dating game, weve now adjusted down the ranks, everyone seems to be pairing off or staying in groups of 3s. but not me. i dont know why; but, i feel like ive gotten left behind in the dust cloud. not that it matters i guess. none of this is intentional id imagine, and its probably better off... little bit of natural selection to shake down the genetic tree i suppose, and who did that ever hurt? ive been eating some meals alone; something i tried to reserve to days when im uber busy or just non-sociable; past week or so its not been by choice. again, i guess i dont really care. its just odd to see it all change like this so fast. its differnt now. its different when i see these people together. maybe im in the wrong, but i quickly get the impression that being around me, is not a priority. its kinda... i dunno.. its weird to feel left out for things. its weird knowing that things have changed--focus and attention have changed-- since a week ago. some people ive known for years now, just lately seem like total strangers. and now total strangers have just been thrust into the mix as full equals for the group. its feeling like youve been replaced, and youre still standing there when they picked new teams. one of those indirect ways of letting you know you can just go home. teams are full. no one picked you. anyway, game on. i suppose you can sit out and watch us play. and thats kinda what its like.

for those of you that keep score, ive had another wonderful dream thats been pretty re-occuring lately. sometimes it repeats its self, sometimes it starts in different places, and sometimes its a continuance, but its all along the same lines. i really dont know why i get these things anymore. i used to be good about sleeping. i used to have good dreams. i dont anymore. i dont sleep worth a shit, and if i do, its been in the afternoons, when i shouldnt be sleeping. the dreams have gotten more vivid lately... and im not talking porno. like with some of the others, i really remember what happens, and more and more, im remember how i feel as it all goes on. i never used to.. i never used to get feelings in dreams. they always used to be something cool, like screwing a Playmate of the Year, or playing ball with your favorite Major Leaguer. they are all dark now. they all have little hope of anything good happening them, and they never end well... thats what been waking me up lately at night. waking up from some of these things makes it very difficult to go back to sleep, so i havent some nights. some nights i just sit in the dark and look out the window. sometimes i just do something idle, ill bounce a ball, or swing my keys around, but ill sit there for hours just thinking of it all, in the dark. im sure its not healthy. hopefully alot of this subsides before i go home; really the last thing i want to deal with is my parents getting involved. dont get me wrong, i respect their opinions, and i trust them and their judgements... just at this point i dont even know whats wrong. i dont even know why i share some of this kinda shit anymore, i really dont.

dreams are only what you want to make of them, and i know theres something in it all worth thinking about. i wonder what its all supposed to mean, and what its supposed to point me to. lots of cultures tend to think that dreams are a way of fortelling the future, in a cryptic way. so far, about all i can tell is it looks like im going to die. it looks like im giong to die in a state in life, where it doesnt look like im all that happy with where i ended up. yep, sounds reaaaal farfetched. fuck, that could be any day now, as far as things seem to be going for me. but i suppose its not. i suppose its not going to happen for a while. i hope not atleast. but the dreams arent nice to me, that goes without saying. this one seemed to go with the last one i wrote about. ill spare the details. its really not important, and im sure you dont want to know, but all i know is i wake up in a cold stone cell. its dark. its mildy damp. its humid, but the stone is cold. i cant move my legs well. my fingers dont respond right. my head hurts alot. one eye is swelled shut. and theres a deep ache everytime i try to breathe. without warning, a door is opened; bright light blinds me, and people speaking languages i dont understand, haul me out. its time to get beaten again. they usually just kick, punch sometimes too. they had some sort of stick or cane, but they broke that. they usually keep going until one of them is too tired to do it anymore. then they like to talk to me. in broken english, air hanging witih stale cigarette smoke; they ask me questions that i dont know anything about. they think i do. they think hitting me makes me remember. it tends not to. it goes on like that. eventually they try to smile, and be nice to me. they try to get me to tell them the answers they want; to questions ive never heard. its funny. the broken jaw keeps me from laughing about it. although im not really sure its broken; once after i didnt wake up for a few days, they brought a doctor to see me. he said he couldnt tell if it was broken, or just horribly dislocated... there was too much swelling and bleeding to tell without xrays. they like to tell me things. they tell my about how my world on the outside has fallen apart. they like to tell me that my country will soon be gone. but. since they like me, if i cooperate with them, theyd help get me a job in their country. they like how weve become such great friends. they tell me theyd like to do as the americans do, and 'have a beer sometime' together. they dont drink tho. probably against the religion. whatver the hell it is. they usually hit the back of my head when i dont pay attention or start to blank out. it helps me to concentrate they say. they show me maps of areas ive never heard of, then they show me pictures of stuff i dont remember seeing. they are looking for something, and they ask their friend to help find it. i suppose im not a good friend. eventually they get tired of me, and one of them drags me back to my cell... where i get to lay in a pile, until they decide to come see me. there used to be other people there. at first, you could hear them scream, or refuse to talk. anymore its relatively quiet around here. i was never allowed to talk to anyone. the only time ive ever seen someone else was when they threw a body on top of me. they told me the hotel was double booked. then they laughed. the worst comes when they try to break everything about you.. and its hard to tell what that would entail, when i really dont know whats going on, or where i am. its the most surreal when they play me tape recordings, and read me letters. they say the letters are from home, and they say the voice is from someone i know. i noticed that when i told them they were wrong, the next day it would be a different voice, and a different name. the letters would change too. once they got a name right, they changed what the letters were about. i suppose it took a week or so... i cant really tell how long; but theyve got me down cold now. they have the name or two, with a voice thats kinda similar, but not really. they make me think about things that arent true. they read me letters from some girls that profess love to me. i know better. then they write me things about how they miss me, and how they want me to be home. its probably a lie too. the stories continue. eventually i cant remember whats real and whats not. its a cruel game really. im at the point where i start to believe the lies they tell me. i start to believe it like they are true. i start to believe that these girls actually do want me, and actually do write nice things to me. but its all lies. eventually the letters get angrier. sometimes they start picking at me. sometimes, they start telling me how they dont like me, how im a horrible person, how ill never find a person to replace them, and how ill allways regret screwing this all up. maybe theres lies in there. but thats how it continues. its allways dark colored. never anything light. only the pale yellow light from the lamp that hangs in the room where my friends are. sometimes a smaller desk light is on by a chair in the corner; that how i know ive gotten mail or a tape from home. but the dream just goes in and out. sometimes they last a while. sometimes they dont. sometimes i think im having a new dream- a better dream, until in the dream im woken up by the sounds of myself being beaten mercilessly. sometimes i can feel it. sometimes i cant. sometimes those are the dreams that wake me up at night, and keep me from sleeping. i used to have pleasant dreams. now i dream of wars, i dream of physical punishment, i dream of emotional angst, i dream of people beseiging me for who i am, i dream of solitude and pain. sometimes i dont. sometimes nothing happens; alot of times i just sleep, and i remember nothing when i wake up. but sometimes i get dreams like that. sometimes its hard for me to tell whats the dream, and whats not.

ain't fun~
s.