Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [new live rendition from the tour!]

mellow, in a word. the new rendition that ive been playing the hell out of the past few days is nothing but mellow. back in the early 1990s, when GnR was the biggest and most dangerous band in the world [according to journalists; NOT themselves], this Bob Dylan cover rocked the arenas and venues of the globe with a ferocity rarely seen from such a simple, bastardized reggae song. They threw in the speed and style of GnR, and just amped up to all hell, and let it go. But now, its a new age; and its a new band. One of Axls goals is obviously to separate himself, and his new band from the past.. this song does it. At points, its reminiscent of the old tune.... some parts i can hear the true Axl bleed through; but mostly its new to me... its different... its mellow. Where as the former version reflected the jaded and raucus lifestiles of the times, the new song is much more pleasant to the ear. Its all about change.

I never been one to show much emotion... and ive probably mentioned something about all that here before. Sometimes thats not a good thing. Lately it hasnt been. Several have been reading just this, and attempting to extend that im nothing but unhappy and suicidal. I think we all know thats not true, whether or not i exhibit it correctly. I suppose, Im not a happy person- and i have never claimed to be; likely never will Happiness is relative to me. Happiness could be a new video game; it could be scoring a phone number from a girl in lecture; it could be sleeping in some morning; and it could be a night where people dont ask me stupid things. Happiness isnt a unifying property. Happiness is and can be many things; of many levels and intensities. To me, happiness is rankable, getting my haircut when it looks bad... minor happiness, of moderate duration. Somehow winning the lottery; major happiness, major duration. Getting a girl to go out with me; major happiness, moderate duration. Sleeping in late; minor happiness, minor duration. None of which really are permanent, none of which are overly life changing. None of which would change who I am, Id hope. But appearantly, Im told I should be happy more often. Im not happy enough I guess. Which is odd, none of the above have occurred lately; so in my mind Im not seeing much to be happy about. Rather, Im not seeing how my mood should adjust arbitrarily for lack of stimulating circumstances; for no reason than 'just to be happy.' Im a different breed that way; I require a reason to act a certain way.

Reasons are interesting too. Reasons give you grounds to do something, and appearantly to feel a certain way. Ive got reasons not to be happy. Ive got reasons not trust people, Ive got reasons why I dont go to class. But what gets to me; is how all of you insist that I dont need reasons to be happy. Im not against happy; but its got to be for some reason, no different than being sad. You all appearantly still think that I should just ignore what makes me 'sad' or 'poopy' as youve put it, in the idea of becomming 'happy' or 'non-poopy.' I say to you: give me a reason to be happy! Give me reason to not have horrible dreams, give me a reason to have pleasant ones. Give me a reason to have hope; and better yet, give me something to make me happy in the here and now, that will elimante a need for hope, as Id need nothing else to be happy to hope to. Instead, I see the reasons why I should not be happy. I see the reasons why I should remain frustrated, cold, and alone. I dont see you and your reasons aiding me. I see them hindering me.

But as I said, Im not so good at showing my emotion. I tell it. I hint at it. But I do not put it on exibit. I think I am easy to read. I think I am honest. Appearantly I am not. Reading the words I have written, I feel everything is there, but none seem to catch on to it. So you continue to ask me what is wrong, why am I 'sad' ? I am sad because I am denied of that which would make me happy. So what? What is new about that? My life is generally one chain of dissappointments, of greater and lesser intensity; with a sparse occasion of success. All in all, Im pleased with my self if I can manage to remain neutral through it all, much less 'happy'

I think back on it all, and remember the faces and places where I should have been brought down... maybe now is one of those times, and maybe it isnt. But now is a time where its difficult for me to maintain the neutrality of feeling throughout it all. Now is a time when it does affect me negatively. It affects me personally. Its me thats negative. Not in a sense of happy v. sad. But in a sense of me being the lesser of two choices, me as captain bringdown, me as not the attractive option; as the negative one. But that too, is not unusal for me; not unusal for being me. Its the context you put it in. Its the surrounding issues that make it worse. Its the people that exist and the things they say to you, that make you sad. Its the way they dont even acknowledge you, and just naively blow you by when you have something to say, that makes it negative.

I doubt that people ever truely know what they do, and maybe its not right of me to hold this against them, as they wouldnt know. Only a handfull of times have i ever expressed any feelings for a female that were stronger than 'hey, how are you doing.' Only for a few, have I ever felt that they, above and beyond the others, the friends, the allies, the aquaintences, that they mean something more to me than the average person. Most of them are just a close friends. Only once in my life have I ever admitted to loving another. She meant alot to me. As Ive said here before, she shouldnt have. She made me interested, she made me feel. She was the one that truely awoke a sense inside of me, that was destined to feel for someone else; a sense of me that wanted to be with someone else. For that, I dont think I will ever truely wish to forget her. Some of you have pestered me with questions about being over her... my answer is never. I never want to be over that feeling of having and wanting someone else, I liked it too much. A better question, Do I feel that she and I are over for good? Yes I do. Do I wish that I could have just her back? Not necessarily. What I do wish to have back is that feeling-- that sense of having someone; but does it have to be her, specifically? No. People think its sad for me to be hooked on her still, eventhough its just the feeling that im still 'hooked' on.

Not long ago, I did something uncharacteristic for me. I admitted feeling for another person. I admitted that I felt something more than just the obligatory 'hey, how ya doin' I thought i felt something, but I dont know what I feel now. I do know that they mean more to me than the average person. Unfortunately, it doesnt appear to be the case in return. Once again, I have become the negative outcome; as I clearly wasnt so great, to be met with anything but naievety and discontent. Im moderately new at this game; but I can guess this isnt the way it ought to be met; I can guess its not how a 'happy' thing would occur. I also cant say that every other time Ive ever mentioned anything like this I was met with open arms. In fact, many times I was told harsh and negative things in return. Ive always been the butt of jokes following something like this; or the one that gets sneered at, or just the normal cold shoulder treatment. The one time in my life where I told someone I loved them, I was yelled at for it. And here I've gone and done it again. So none of this is really stable ground that I stand on. To me, love is not a common word. Love is not a word I use often; much like hate, its a word I reserve to describe the most deserving of circumstances. To me, if I love you, I guess your pretty well set, because its not a word I'll take back- its not a feeling, an emotion, a state of mind, that I'll take back. Its not meant to be. For me, love is more or less unconditional, save something extreme; its something that makes you a priority in my life... like my parents, like some of my friends. If i love you, I dont want to be laughed at or denied. So why do I regeret it now? Why am I glad that they probably never noticed it? Because I shouldnt be. Its guilty of me to want that; I dont... but. nothing of what I know seems to make much sense. I dont even know what all I think. There are honestly sometimes where I feel that I could almost want to have something more than friendship with them, and times like I couldnt fathom wanting to talk to someone like that.

Lately my entries have been my lamentation over my desire to proceed with my gut feeling, knowing my prior 'convictions'; and so I went through with it. They may never know, or may only think of it in retrospect-- even then probably only by reading this; but I said several things, that from me, were very uncharacteristic. I noticed them. I noticed myself saying them, and often I quitely punished myself for it; knowing what it would eventually bring. And it did. A few days ago, I tried to explain, in my terms, that someone else mattered to me, more so than just ordinary people. I sincerely doubt I was ever heard. My words were gibberish and distracting to them; and my attempted message was nothing more than aggrivation. I knew they would be. I knew I would never be followed on what I had to say. I knew my words would not be received kindly and with admiration, I knew to expect resentment and possible rejection. And still it upset me. So I attempted someway of putting it non-verbally. Putting it in a way which may show, rather than tell, what I was thinking. I think it too was a bust. Shouldnt have to argue or send go-betweens for feelings. It shouldnt have to be frustrating and complex.

For what it means, Im not happy for several reasons. Obviously, but to lesser degrees, Im upset that relationship does not appear to be reciprical in nature. More importantly, the words were never allowed to come out that could prove anything one way or another. What-- to me-- was most, and is most frustrating and upsetting was the ability I felt at ease with to tell this person; but the appearant difficulty it required for them to receive it [if at all]. Nothing is more damaging than talking to someone who wont listen. I would much rather spend my time in a room full of angry people that dislike me, but will listen to me; then to spend a few minutes in a room with one person who will not listen to a word I say. I say this, because I dont make things as obvious as other people do... and should I finally feel the need to voice my concerns, I feel as though I should be listened to. Instead I think I was met with inattentiveness and blanket disregard for anything I might have said. Its difficult for me to deal with that. Its difficult to want to say to someone what youve wanted to say, and have them not listen. Its very difficult for me to say anything to someone, when they try to argue your points with them, when your intention was only informative. Its difficult for me, because i dont do it very often.

For me, giving a compliment likely shows 10 times what was stated; and for me to tell someone what I had wanted to say, from me, would speak volumes. I dont understand why people dont want to hear me, why someone wouldnt want to hear me. Then all I have to do is look down, and realize that its me. Another 'sad' thought, you might say. Some of you might say Im being hard on myself, or that I should stop with comments like that... oddly enough, you are all the people that would say the things to me, that make me feel that way. But nothing is sacred, not even I. All I have to do is realize that the reason why no one would want to hear anything I have to say, is because I am Scott. Scott is everything that is repulsive and wrong about living life. Scott is solitary, Scott is hardline right-wing, Scott is for killing people, and Scott is for cutting taxes. Scott is fascinated by weapons and warfare, and Scott to-the-point. Scott isnt attractive, Scotts not cute or desireable in appearance or a physical sense. Hell Scott doesnt even blip on the radar. Scott doesnt care for your popular culture, and Scott abohrs your musical taste. Scott has nothing in common with you, does he? Scotts got nothing that would persuade you, hes just the bad seed, the evil. Scott just has nothing you would like. So we treat him that way. We are cold, and deceitful. We lie to Scott, and we keep Scott from becoming anything more than distant. We get Scott to hear us out, then tell him to shut up when he wants someone to talk to. We laugh at what Scott says, we think 'oh geez' theres a problem if Scott wants to get close to us. We want Scott to be nothing more than something we can turn off when we want to. We want Scott to be devoid of all feelings. We want to keep Scott from becoming someone for us; we just want to use him up. Lets just let him sit out and rot, let all the vile blackness that we spit on him, just stay there. We make Scott out to be something that doesnt matter to us; we allow Scott to become less than a person, and more of Scott; something with no value or signiffigance. For that reasoning, I suppose I too would find it hard to accept Scott for anything. I do wish, that I have become something other than Scott. I do wish I have become and actual person, not just something that responds to your instant messages, or someone that opens the mail. I hope Scott would become something to someone other than me. But i realize he hasnt. I realize, just like Scott does, that its not going to happen. Just as much as Scott may like to change all of that, it wont. Just as much as Scott wants it all to change, you try so hard to keep him reduced to nothing more than that. Something less than me. Something minus human.

Its hard for me to say where it all happened. Its not like I can sit and pinpoint exactly when I knew things were different for me; when it started to change inside. I can say there were several events that really triggered it all. But you wouldnt listen to me if i told you when they were. You wouldnt care why I did either. So my reasons just stay my own. I wanted to share them. I wanted to share something more than just words. But you all dont want me around. You dont want to have the person that could mean more, that could say more and do more; you all want to have Scott around. Scott isnt anything real. Scott isnt anything to worry about. We can say these things to Scott like hes not even sitting here! We can tell Scott to 'fuck off,' we can tell Scott anything we please, and know, that since hes only Scott, figment of our utility; there is no consequence that come with friendship, attentiveness and mutual care. Its just Scott afterall. No worries. No me's. Even if we let Scott become something more; what then? How do we treat someone like that? How do we allow ourselves to let a caring individual in on our lives; how do we expect to function if we allow him to care? Its Scott remember. Its no one you wanted in the first place. I suppose that makes it easier on you, doesnt it? If I spell it out they way you all want to think about it.

s.