Current Musical Selection: Gilby Clarke - Black [live version]

" if i told you i could love you || i fear youll think im weak || ive never had a friend that was my lover || when i wake up from my sleep || and i feel you next to me || im so happy inside; but id be crushed if youd leave... || its so black.... its so black... no one understands my hell... || black... so black... im a stranger to myself "

its kinda funny... this song is one of those thats started out as me just liking the sound... turns out i really like the lyrics to it as well... sometimes its tough to come up with a song like that--where every piece of it sounds different everytime you hear it; and you start to like different parts of the song... but its not a complicated song. its pretty simple. guitars, distortion effects, little reverb... set a delay on the first part, and you can play the song by yourself. if youve got the same kinda croon that Gilbys got. which is another thing i really like about the mans songs... for the most part i can sing along with them. ah yes, granted i cant sing, id use the tone deaf excuse but its not true, im just awful at it. never liked it. but i do like singing along sometimes. plus i have pretty odd range when i do sing. anyways; whether i cant match pitches, have no talent and no range, still doesnt explain why his music is so easy and catchy. lot of his songs are about nothing much [even he admits this in interviews] just a bunch of songs he writes down; maybe not even conencted thoughts, just random songs or guitar licks he liked. interesting approach in this world of over-produced chart toppers; or musically motivated works, by performers that convince themselves [and us sometimes] that its about 'the music' when its just a bunch of complete crap [read: Radiohead, or similar band of your hatred]. its a nice approach to music. honestly i could pick prolly half a dozen of his songs as his best song. its kinda like that.

also somewhat musically related... GNR... GNR....GNR....GNR 6 days away. although alot of people on the 'net have spoiled the setlist, and lots of things have come up pointing out that this is nothing more than a 'warmup tour' [in axl's own words] it should be hard to pysche ones self into it... but its not. im still pretty thrilled about going-- although... it turns out none of my favorite songs have been getting played anywhere else in the country. which is a load of shit; some of those songs are the bread and butter of the group's musical presence and accomplishments... yet, this isnt the same band... this is the Axl Rose project as some are calling it.... this is a new breed of musicians with their own stories to tell i guess. even so, i still want to hear it. 6 fuckin days man... 6 fuckin days.

actually i was a bit surprised by you all... no one really asked me about the previous post... i had figured people would ask me about the dream or want to know more about it.. but no one really did. kinda surprised. honestly it did shake me up a bit. everything was so clear in it all, but like a dream the only things that were in focus were the things that wanted to be. i cant remember what color of paint they used on the walls, or whether the hallway was carpeted or tilled; or if i noticed everyones shoes were untied... everything that wasnt meant to be clear was left fuzzy. its frustrating like that. you want to sit and remember and make more sense out of something like that, and you just dont have any more details... i guess its like going to the beach, and trying to figure out who was there yesterday by the footprints---but not looking until after the tide has come and gone. almost everything, every trace of existence is gone now; except for those major things. what scares me the most about it all is some of the things in it that just haunt me. really, it haunts me. getting flowers from an ex on your funeral could do that... but BLACK fucking flowers... thats not right. and i really dont know who i was looking for to be there.... ok maybe i do, but im sharing that. i dont know why i focused on the empty chair so much; but i did thats what it was like. it wasnt even like i had a chance to think about it, or make myself angry about it; i just was. lots of things could bug me about it i guess is what im trying to say. but only a few things really did. i suppose its all just telling me things i allready knew, but dont want to see in life. its all the shit i choose to ignore or stuff i let go; and when im asleep and my mind starts cranking away, its there then... because im not awake to be on guard to defend against any of it anymore.

its all a game of defense anymore i get alot of "what the hell did you ever see in that girl" to defend... its tough to defend it, but come again, its easy to. i look to the bright spots and say thats why i did it; i can look back and say yeah, thats where i really realized i was ready for mature relationships. not yep, shes a bitch; fuck her. its defense. then theres the questions and things about what i do, that i myself doubt. its always been a common procedure for me to do it; but why is it i tend not to tell anyone when i have feelings for them... why is it i just sit back and let it go; hope they find out; hope i dont have to admit to it. then it becomes a game of strategy. thens its how do i go about this, without leaking anything. how do i keep on keeping on; without disclosing that to someone? how do you move around and move friendships and conversations forward when youd rather not. youd rather just sit and unload everything youve wanted to say, and you want them to go 'oh wow, i love you too!' happily ever after, birds in the sky, trumpets blaring all that kinda shit. but it doesnt work like that. you just dont say it. its part of the strategy. a defensive strategy. and its a way of playing the game not to get hurt. its playing it safe, its playing the game to keep the lead. its pathetic really. but its a way of holding on to what youve got and not having to step up to the line to shoot to defend it. its yours and its safe, and nothing is going to change, no ones going to laugh at you for it, its not going to make someone mad or uncomfortable to talk to you. so you strategize and you play defense. maybe thats what that empty chair was about. maybe its just my way of telling myself the frustrations i have in the strategy; and that its going to leave me emptyhanded. maybe thats what the black flowers meant. maybe thats just my way of telling myself why i play defense; why i keep it to myself. and maybe thats why i ended up dead. maybe thats just my way of telling myself its all going to end someday. i wont recognize myself in the end, i wont have what i want, and the failures of the past will still haunt me, even to my grave. maybe thats what its all about. maybe no one cares what i think. and in the end maybe thats what will do me in.

ain't it fun~
s.