Current Musical Selection - Johnny Cash - Rock Island Line

i wish i could stay awake long enough to write more here tonight, but ill be lucky to scratch out whatever i do... its wednesday night... so that means i probably had a stats project due tomorrow, and thats right. its all done, but now im sitting at that precarious position; to sleep for 2.5 hours, or just to stay away through the whole day and deal with it. in all honesty i should be sleeping. not only am i tired enough to, but ive got macurh this weekend; which is likely to kick my ass. lots of stuff going on, and no time to sleep. turns out a very, very, very attractive friend of mine from high school wants to see me and go out on friday when i get to Cedar Falls. id be a fool to turn that down! as excited as i am about it, i havent really mentioned it to anyone yet. aside from jonah i think. i dunno why i havent. i mean, yeah i am stoked to see her. shes absolutely gorgeous, shes cool, shes allways been one of those level-headed normal people, that was trapped up in the popular crowd. so yeah. im happy about it. but im not. its not that im not. this isnt making sense is it? ive got reservations about seeing her; but its not her. i just dont know. im also totally satisfied in stating that im making this out to be more than it is. i made the joke the other day that the only reason shed have agreed to see me, must be because she forgot what i looked like. yeah thats probably true. time does that faces. time changes how we remember people. we keep this perfect picture of someone in our mind, and we carry it around for ourselves for years and years. and then time is cruel to us. time takes away, and strips out the beauty from the things we remember. time blanches our good looks, time robs us of our youth, time gives us maturity. it ages us. it changes us. so that some days when you get up, you wont recognize the person you see. and its not that they arent still the same person you remember them to be... its just that time has changed it all for you.

i tried to sit and think why i wouldnt be happy about meeting up with her. honestly my track record at this is pretty bad. i think of all the 'lets get together' dates ive had in the last few years... ZERO have worked out. doesnt matter if it was that girl from rhetoric, the girl from biology in high school, or even the girl you sat next to last semester in lecture.... it just doesnt work. i guess i expect too much out of it. maybe i just walk into it all with the wrong ideas. i approach it as meaning something more than seeing someone. i guess i address it as a genuine shot at something more. im usually wrong. i think some of the girls ive gone out with have been more impressed by what ive done and what i say that with me. i suppose it could make an interesting rainy-day lunch conversation, talking to someone about experiences as a student leader; or about galavanting around your hometown, telling stories of crap youve gotten into... but its much harder to imagine having an interesting conversation with me. scott tentds to say the things that arent quite like what you want to hear. and hes not easy to look at either. i suppose if i looked like brad pitt, and talked like a moron, id get farther... shit, its worked well for keanu reeves. but no. god 'blessed' me with the ability to think, not the ability to be coveted. its a disadvantage, and its an ace-in-the-hole all at once. i never really sat and thought about it all this way until after the first one of these 'reunion dates' as i call them. i was just shitting my pants in anticipation of seeing this girl again. then she brought a friend with. then the conversation started going sour. then i realized they were into my friends. then they were asking me to hook up the friend with my friend. then i started looking out the window alot. its tough to keep your interest in a conversation like that. i realized i wasnt the object of the discussion; and wouldnt likely add anything to it that they would appreciate. sometimes its a curse like that.

i never want to get too happy about these kind of things because i know they arent anything; but i start thinking that they might become something. and thats just a horrible approach to take. you end up getting sawed off at the knees alot like i do. one of those, 'oh so you just uh, came to see if i could get you an A in a class' rather than 'wow you dig me:? cool' nothing good ever comes out of this. i just find people want something out of me. thats allways a downer for it. about a big a downer as thinking to yourself, that maybe this girl actually wants to be seen in public with me. nah. thats not true either. you dont find that out till later on tho... when she asks to move to the table in the dark corner of the room, instead of the one by the window. hell how about when you get the ones that call you the day before and cancel; they tell you theyd rather just talk on the phone to you. then you know somethings up. or maybe when they look dissappointed when they see you the first time. you know somethings up then. and its not your stock value. its a bad spot to get into. its alot like dating someone that turns out to be totally different than you wanted. i think everyone can attest to something like that. you just get so built up on what your going to get; and you get to it. and its crap.

i also guess im apprehensive about it all because, really if it would work out... im not sure that i want to move on. theres stuff and people around me now, that id almost want to wait and see how it all works out first. before i start signing myself away. but its not bad. shed be great. prolly better than what id find around here. so why the doubt? i dunno. really i cant even make a good excuse for myself. if i look at my real odds, nothing is going to pan out here. im never going to get consideration. its just not going to happen. besides, i never have before. im allways the one who girls would rather not date. i frequently hear; "you dont count" "youre different" "i dont think of you that way" never any of the good answers you might want to hear. not even sporadically. you just dont hear it. its rough. sometimes i sit and think to myself, what the hell do you have to do to enusre that everytime you meet a girl; you get lumped in the friend only category? i dont know any more. even the girls you stop and go, woah, i want to play this one right... woah, this girl is different, dont do this like you do all the others. but it doesnt matter, its all the same heap of shit in the end. doesnt matter how bad it stinks in the meantime. i guess i can say i want more out of my options. id like to have an opportunity where id be the interesting one during a lunch date. id like a chance to be known as a viable option in the dating game, much more so than just 'that guy' i guess id like to get a fair shot at who i want, before i get turned away. im asking for alot more than im going to get anytime soon. i realize that. just as i realize, i know that whatever i tell myself about what could and couldnt happen; is whatever i want to make of it all. its nothing more than that. for me, its never going to be anything more than that.

im rambling... im delerious... im probably right...

ain't it fun~
s.