current musical selection: motley crue - if i die tomorrow

im all over the place mentally. i dont think that surprises anyone. its just so much garbage happening in such a repetition over a short duration. i think im getting this haze to finally start to clear, but its not like its lifting to complete clarity. im openly frustrated. about damn near everything, now that i think about it. its just alot of lamentations about shit that isnt going to do any good. its not finding me a job. its not getting me moved out. its not getting me married. its not making me happy. its not really doing anything for my life to sit and be upset about it. but after a second week of pure rejections, its getting hard to find any kind of light to reach for. about the only answer i get is "this is an automated response". not good. everyone says it takes time. i agree. but in the long run that doesnt matter, in the short run, im vying for more than just a job. i need some money coming in. i need to get a life. i really need to start having something to be happy about. i used to be happy about things, or people, or just activities. everything started to slowly sink away in july and it feels like all of it has just bottomed out for the most part. i dont know what it is. i dont even know that its as easy as it being one thing.

i guess if i say im frustrated, it can cover alot of ground. im frustrated that i cant even think of a place where id want to work, or a job i wouldnt immediately hate. im frustrated that i cant seem to find anyone to even hire me at places i know i hate working for. im frustrated that im 25 and im living at home still. im frustrated that i cant manage to find a girl to spend valentines day time on. its frustrating to feel like i dont matter. to me, when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i dont have any real purpose. i have always defined existence by purpose. and for me, im not coming up with much purpose right now. i hope that changes.

i hope that alot of things do change soon. i hope i can start to figure out my life again. maybe i never knew it, and had just been coasting along all these years, but i guess i want it figured out now--- and in such a way i dont feel like this again. feeling worthless feels terrible. feeling like nothing matters is just going to leave me on some self destructive path at somet point. i want a job to feel like i have something to do each day. i want money to feel valuable or have valuable things. i want a woman, because i want someone else to tell me im worth something at the end of the day. i cant really get behind those things at this point. i cant find an easy fix to say, "hey, that was progress." i cant find much in the way of support for anything. on sitcoms, the guy would always lie awake at the end of the terrible day, and have a wife that kissed him and told him everything would be ok. no one tells me its going to be all right. no wonder its hard to fall asleep at night now. worse than ever.

i guess i want to come to some middle grounds. that would be a start for me. just having a job. just a place that sends me a paycheck for doing something every day. something at the end of the week could pay my bills, and buy me a beer. or a lapdance. that would be a starting point. being able to sit down with the girl of my dreams and have a two-way open dialogue and just get past the "friend role" or the "is this ok to do" thoughts... just express it how we feel, and go with that. boyfriends, mileage, dreams... just push that aside for a day. that would be a start. it would feel so good to have some sort of worth, even if they are just starting points. its just trying to find something i can do to start it, and stop feeling this way. but its a desire to get what i want ultimately. i dont want my life to be like this. i dont want the only signifficant things to ever come of me, to be posted here. i want something better than that. i want what honestly feels like it should be mine. so many things feel like happenstance and get pushed aside in our lives. alot of it is. but sometimes, things and people stick. even less often do we get the feelings we do about them. there is something more to it. i know ive got to get something out of all this shit that happens to me. being jobless has to kick back into some kind of job sometime. spilling my feelings about a girl has to amount to something with her sometime. because if it didnt, i wouldnt do this. i wouldnt do any of this. id give up. i die. id just want to stop living a life where i couldnt get anything back out of what i put in. but thtat kind of thinking still isnt kiling th pervasive thought of worthlessness right now. for right now, ive got empty pockets, ive got no where to go, ive got a head full of ideas, and heart full of feelings that i want to do something with. but it all just sits here for now with me, unused.