Current Musical Selection: GnR - Dead Horse

" sometimes it feels like im beatin a dead horse; and i dont know why youd be bringin me down; id like to think that our loves worth a tad more; it may sound funny, but youd think that by now id be smiiiiiilin; yeah well i guess something never change... "

well its christmas eve, more like christmas day as i write this.. its something after 2am; although the post time will show later. back on the laptop, in a nice dark room; warm bed, cold air around me. GnR blarin in my ears. what else could i ask for? really all the material possessions i could need are around me; my family is sleeping safely upstairs; all is well in the world [more or less i suppose].

today was interesting. logged some hours in church tonight at a midnight-service. didnt know it, but i was recruited to do some lay-readings. not that i mind doing that; its all rather fun for me, just that i objected at some of the stuff i had to read. for a "birth of the savior" theme, im not sure how some readings in Genesis [about Adam and Eve] and some from the covenent between Abraham and Yahweh had to do with tonights purpose, but i read them all the same. I even spared the congregation my thoughts on the passages: we covered Genesis in its entirety in the bible class this fall... so instead i read along, then read some dopey script for lighting the advent candles; correcting grammar on the fly. didnt throw me off a bit, until i looked out in the congregation. i was hardpressed to see more than 20 faces of the 300 seat facility that i knew. this is a church that i was raised in; minus one other that i was born into; but have been a member in for over fifteen years; didnt see many that i knew. worse yet, after the service, i was approached by people like i was a prospective member, or new to the church... funny assholes. i informed them ive been a member longer than they have. they looked at me funny. then i recited the previous few ministers. then they left. almost had to resort to showing off my name, which is scrawled in a classroom upstairs, that i did one sunday, about 10 years ago. i should have. i was walking in that direction to go see if if was still there when i bumped into a couple friends of mine from long, long ago. both are kids that i literally grew up with in that church. one i see every now and then; he goes to Iowa as well, the other; i havent seen in years. its funny talking to them now. to see how much people have changed, to see how they changed. thinking back and sharing memories over stuff that we all remember, when it was so long ago. its funny how maybe all the other stuff in my life may take controll of my brain most days, but it never truly pushes out memories like those... and appearantly its the same for them too.

theyve both grown up alot. the one especially. she got hot... H O T. interesting how that works. when i was a stupid kid, i never paid all that much attention to her then... sure, maybe id do something boy-ish to get her attention every now and then, but really the three of us were a group together and didnt need to do that; i never saw her as conquestable. instead, when a new girl joined the church later on [maybe 5th grade or so] my friend and i both went after her, never paying much attention to what was around us. lots of funny stupid memories from way back. i remember when she used to show me her training bra and stuff like that, and take great delight in giggling and showing off to me in dark corners of the church basement. i can remember being at church lock-ins with her and sleeping with her on the floor. even little things, like later in junior high, when wed get grabby with each other when wed play tag. man how id kill to do that kind of thing now... [my mind gets dirty when i feel old] she looks really differnt now. never would have imagined her looking that way all those years ago. never could have imagined her in makeup or shoes like that. it might not look like her, but shes still there. talking to her really made that appearant. maybe she thought the same thing about me. she kinda hesitated when i was standing there at first; she knew the other guy, but maybe wasnt sure who i was. after a few words, she knew. i could just watch her face and see it all click. she said the beard and the hair threw her, but she liked the beard. im sure she never would have imagined me looking the way i do now, all those years ago. its funny how people turn out.

its also funny when i sit and thinkg about what all has happened in all that time. everything has changed, everyone has changed. even the church building has changed. its hard to find the memories that you lock away in your head, when you cant seem to find the footsteps you had to retrace them. its difficult to remember where everything happened, nothings in the same place. i was looking out the field we used to play tag in between service and sunday school; and now its a parkinglot for the church. over beyond that used to be nothing but farm field and a broken down farm house. now its Golds Gym and a strip mall. across the street is where she and i would run to pick dandelions to blow apart in class as a distraction; now they are building a hospital there. even inside the church is different now. i can remember where he and i would sit in class and shoot rubberbands at each other under the table, and she would make up stupid answers to cover for us. that classroom is now part of the church's daycare program- something that didnt exist back then. even the sanctuary, where she and i would run and hid in during the church lock-ins, is now different and expanded. the cold tile under the pews where wed curl up together in one sleeping bag, is now carpeted, the pews are new too. the lighting is all different too. we couldnt hide in it very well now if we tried. everythings changed. everyone has changed. she seemed embarrased when i asked if she remembered some of it; but not in a bad way; more of a "ill remember something about you thats more embarrasing" sort of way. it was fun. but it had to end. she had a party to go to. he had something going, and i had family committments to return to. if but only for a few minutes, its was fun to be there with them again. it was fun to relive that old life once again.

ain't it fun~
s.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU LOYAL READERS!