once again its silent in here. sometimes i just get in the mood, where any noise is a distracting noise. and ive had enough distractions. once again, i found a reason not to get anything done today; why? tonight was a huge 3 movie Eastwood marathon.. all of my favorite westerns from the late 60's, For A Few Dollars More, High Plains Drifter, The Good The Bad and The Ugly... all on tonight... that took pretty much from dinner time to 1am... so much for getting things done. again, like i need another reason not to get anything done.

getting what done is a better question, to ask myself. nothing motivates me around here any more. and its not that im an un-motivateable person. i hit things, and i run right through them to get the job done. but classes arent doing it for me anymore. sitting and listening to some old professor rail some point to death, just isnt making it click for me. even reading the additive literature for the classes in lieu of class; isnt cutting it with me any more. im not motivated to sit and "learn" in that environment any longer. i see what i want to do with my life, and sitting in a classroom listening to this garbage isnt it. besides the fact, the material is useless. none of my classes really mean anything to me. and i seriously doubt ill use anything from them ever [how useful is the Old Testament to an attorney?] but its not just that. im motivated and focused on other things... arh takes up so much of my time; not because it has to, but maybe because i let it. i do enjoy it. although alot of people are making that very difficult for me to do.

ive also found im not especially motivated to move on in my life. im not seeing anything to go for. im not seeing whats so special that i should do. i know what i want out of life, but thats so far off, there isnt much to do about it. im more concerned about the here and now; and in the present, i dont have alot going for me. its like drag racing a car, but leaving it in neutral after the first 50 yards. i see alot of people going past me, i see my self past alot more people. and i guess i just find myself almost content to sit idle. thats not right. thats not what its supposed to be like. im supposed to want to move to the next step, work for the next big thing. not just sit back and smell the roses... and there are no roses to smell. so im just sitting. its frustrating. i guess alot of it has to do with frustrating things in my life. alot of shit is complicated, waaaay beyond the complication that it should be. i make it worse. i make myself go through it all. and i really do hate myself for it. but im not the only one with that devotion; plenty of other people see fit to drag shit to my doorstep every day, and just make life one big bag of dog shit in your laundry cycle.

its frustrating. its tough to get up every day and see the same shitty world around me. its not surprising i sleep in so late some days. its not that i dont have anything to do; its just that i dont care about doing it. none of it has much effect on my life in the end; and by and by someone else will just take care of it. someone else will care. but not about me. see ive sat and thought about what really gets to me. it came up in conversation the other day with someone [who now magically avoids dealing with me online... how original that is]; and somehow i came to the conclusion that ive really never had someone who cared as much for me as i cared for them. maybe once or twice ive noticed a stalkerish person who seems to try to attach themselves to me. but really. in a sense of real, confined and conceited efforts for mutual relationships, nothing has been mutual about it. im still left with the same old annimosity at the end of the day, and thats difficult. even today; i just have someone on my mind and i just cant seem to ever express anything about it. and its bullshit---its total bullshit that i dont. its got nothing to do about not wanting to do it, or not wanting to say it. its about letting them limit me; before they even know. i stop myself from saying anything, because i let them stop me from saying it. but that doesnt change a thing. it just dams up everything. its all pent up. some day im just going to loose it. i hate that feeling. i hate the feeling, that im back in the same position that ive allways been put in. even when i think to myself, that ive done everything different this time; it all ends up the same. i start to wonder, if this is a different situation, or its just a different colored carousel. i try every time to do it differently. i try every time to see this through as a different set of things. i try not to make the same mistakes. and i find myself held up on the same problems. i find myself labeled as "just a friend" or as someone who "doesnt count" or just someone who gets used as the emotional cruch. and by and large, its the cruch that gets thrown away when the leg is healed. i never wanted to be that person. i never wanted to be the one thats allways removed from the group. i suppose ive never wanted to be the big ugly guy. but i am. and that limits it. it limits me, and i take whatever i can get. thats why i settled for people in the past. thats why i just crucified myself time and time again for some people. because there isnt any alternative. there arent any other fish in the sea. thats all you get. you either eat, and get sick from bad food; or you just starve to death. and as much as im mad and angry about getting sick all the time; it beats the hell out of my alternatives. it beats the hell out of being totally alone. sure friends are one thing, parents and family are another. but im to the point in my life where id like---i want, to have a relationship with a girl thats not based out of necessity. id like to actually have someone accept me for me, and like me for me. then make that decision of being with me. and i know i dont see any of that comming true any more. im so young, thats what i get told, but i dont see alot of room for this stuff to change. really in the nearly 10 years of my sexual/emotional consciousness, i see the lay of the land. and i hate it. that bothers me. but so does what i settle for. i cant like settling. no one should. by definition its getting what you didnt want. so i settle to be the friend. i settle to hear the stories about people and their exploits. i settle to become the shoulder that gets cried upon time after time. i settle to be the person thats never going to be considered. why the hell should they? they get what they want. they get someone who takes up all the slack of who they want. i get to be responsible for the emotional and intellectual things that appearntly people wont fullfill for them. i just cant ever get what they get. someone. i cant ever get anyone; and why is that? because i guess im not good enough for that. ive never wanted to be petty and think about it that way; but they do. they sit and make that fucking decision, each time; everytime, that says NOT THIS GUY, GIVE ME THE CUTE GUY. and they do it. they all take the one with looks, and work around all the othe faults. instead of just one time taking the guy thats got everything else, but work around the looks. and thats just not going to change over night. thats what kills my motiviation to initiate anything. it stops it cold, when i sit and think about it for an hour. i drive for an hour, just to think about it. and i know its not going to change.

no one would care anyway. i sit and think about what id do if say someone actually gave a shit and a half about me. [yeah yeah, play along people, we all agree it wont happen] but for the sake of argument alone; i dont know what id do with myself. ive never gotten the chance to be in a relationship where i could express myself in the realm of real and accepting settings. i suppose it wouldnt change what id do, but im not sure about that. i see how it works with everyone else. i see how people treat each other... boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives; and its not how id do it. but i dont know how id do it. everything ive ever had experience with has been up hill. all i know is how to fight to get and keep attention; knowing damn well they dont want me. thats got to be different. thats got to be a bad way to try and go into normal relations with another person. its going to burn out. its going to cause problems. but its all i know. its all i know how to do; to fight for every inch of space, and to keep fighting for it; because the second i drop my guard, im just a friend again. im just back in the limbo area of not being overly important to anyone. im back in that area where im not appealing to anyone. and im tired of being there. but that doesnt mean its going to change.

all i know is nothing changes. ive said it before, but i can stand and scream an shout and be pissed off... but thats not going to change anything. i can try to be calm, and carring and understanding; and im going to get berated, and walked on. i can try to be sensitive or creative, but im going to get burnt in creative ways. i can just be apathetic, and they will beat me to the punch. i can want to have someone, and know its not going to happen. and why isnt it? fuck thats not fair, thats not right. but that is. it is and it will. and people get mad at me, and tell me its sad the way i talk about what i think lifes going to end up for me; but i dont. i guess i lost that feeling for it. i guess that part of it died awhile ago. i can see myself being in my late 30s or 40s, being divorced, with no kids, a soon-to-be exwife that hates me, with nothing to show for it. i can see myself has having worked my ass off to keep a relationship going, and i can see myself getting dumped like i always have. ive allready vowed that im never going to get remarried. i never want to get divorced either, but thats probably not going to stop Her in the future, will it?


sorry for the bitchy rant... ill cut myself off there... sleep might do me some good...

Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - Up Jumped The Devil

oooooooh god. such a long weekend. as i write this im somewhere near the 2/3s point of it. macurh is done. so much to say. so little to say. lots of memorable moments; prolly alot i shouldnt repeat... and really, in my mind this year had alot more memorable moments than last year did. this years delegation was into it, they tried their asses off on what they did [spirt, box, banner, etc] even though we didnt win anything; and above all they had fun i think. maybe not with the conference its self, but they had fun with each other and with all of us together; really something we didnt do last year at macurh; or at nacurh really. so to Kahldee [you should have done The Trade!], May [why did you even bother asking men which outfit to wear???], Abby [for sitting and giggling about damn near everything], Lisa ["oh yeah, i have Debbie Does Dallas"], Charles [im glad we could have such a 'diverse' environment], Jamie [such a PinWhore... but whats step 2?!?!?], Sean ["i get bite-y" and for offering to drink Failures cologne], Soper [for riding that pony, pazzzz], Failure [for failing, as usual]; thanks for a memorable weekend.

-----------------------------

late monday....

this is all one post, mainly because i left the window open and never sent it... so i find myself looking at all this nearly two days later, still forgetting how to finish what i want to say... and its not that i really had anything to say per say. if that makes any sense. GNR was last night. two words. fucking great. for as much as i may dislike having the old band done away with; this new group isnt half bad. Richard Fortus really was great. Hes one of the few in that new group i think Axl picked well. Fortus was fired up to play, hit every note, and just played the hell out of the songs. not to take away from any of the others... aside from Chris Pittmann, the new keyboard guy.... he was crap, did nothing, added nothing; but it was good. little things about the show bug me... piss poor sound quality [even for a concert], bad opening acts, horrendous prices at the souvenier stands [60 bucks for a long sleeved tshirt!!!!!], and some things about how the show was run... for the most part the setlist wasnt what id have picked, but i was happy with it... and so was the crowd. it was amazing to hear axl. it sounds creepy to say it. probably sounds worse for you all to read it. but really, it was. to hear the guy that wrote all this shit, that i listen to that, really got me through my life, and still gets me through it... to see him just pump pure emotion into what he was doing; doing this really just for the benefit of the fans that came. and i stress fans that came... the mark was one of the smaller venues on the tour [small enough it shouldnt have been included] and it still was lackluster sales, maybe 75% full... and axl still gave us the whole show. it was emotional. really i was into it. i could look over and see my brother screaming along with the words; and see the people next to us pumping fists along to the chords; it was nothing short of emotional. but more so for me. ive really attached myself to the music. all of those songs have some meaning to me. and as cultlike as it sounds, they all did matter to me when i heard it. hearing some of those old songs really made my thoughts wander. i heard the song, but i felt the meaning behind it. songs like Think About You... which i rarely listen to, just immediately made me think of someone; and just like the lyrics say...

" it was the best time i can remember || and the loving we shared, loving that will last forever || i think about you || everytime my heart says yes || i think about you || deep inside i love you best || i think about you || you know youre the one i want || i think about you, darlin' youre the only one "

and i found myself doing it. i found myself thinking about you. when a slower song hit like Patience, or Knockin On Heavens Door; i saw the people next to me, and just thought how i wish i could have had this moment to actually share with you. amazing the way music hits you sometimes. makes you think about and do things you might not ordinarly do; and then other times its just background noise. i didnt want to find myself thinking that way. but i didnt want to stop myself either. it was right. and its probably not about who youd think, for those of you trying to keep score at home. maybe its one of those things i do something about some day.

in few words tho, the concert was fucking great.

other random things, also for those of you taking score at home; the events surrounding last post, came pretty close as i expected. no interest. nothing there. i successfully walked into something, expecting more, and getting less; yet somehow escaping with a feeling of accomplishment about something. we had a very nice talk. and its tough to gauge it any thing more than that. i hadnt seen her in years, and havent talked with her [even by email] for atleast 6 months; but this is someone id see and talk to several times a day, everyday all through high school. funny how life does that. but, the point is this; nothing happened. and quite realistically nothing was going to happen. although i suppose i did get her phone number out of it, if that counts for anything... and we did stay up really, really late talking. and i think we hit on some pretty heavy subjects at pretty exhaustive length about our lives. i dont get to do that with many people anymore. not in that type of setting. someone was talking to me about it the other night [cant remember who, i had like 93 windows open] but it came down to a sense of knowing someone well enough to have a conversation of that type. generally i have to say, people will talk to me about anything; but the real test is whether i can talk to them about anything; and then if its more than just them listening to me. do they actually care about what i said? that was the difference here. i think it was pretty clear that she and i both cared about what the other had to say; so with that as grounds; i can say i dont usually have talks with people of that variety. in fact i can only think of a handfull of people who i can do that with, and even then, maybe 1 or 2 females [not including her] that i could do that with... and 1 of them doesnt even speak to me anymore. its a short list indeed. ill write more tomorrow...too tired now.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection - Johnny Cash - Rock Island Line

i wish i could stay awake long enough to write more here tonight, but ill be lucky to scratch out whatever i do... its wednesday night... so that means i probably had a stats project due tomorrow, and thats right. its all done, but now im sitting at that precarious position; to sleep for 2.5 hours, or just to stay away through the whole day and deal with it. in all honesty i should be sleeping. not only am i tired enough to, but ive got macurh this weekend; which is likely to kick my ass. lots of stuff going on, and no time to sleep. turns out a very, very, very attractive friend of mine from high school wants to see me and go out on friday when i get to Cedar Falls. id be a fool to turn that down! as excited as i am about it, i havent really mentioned it to anyone yet. aside from jonah i think. i dunno why i havent. i mean, yeah i am stoked to see her. shes absolutely gorgeous, shes cool, shes allways been one of those level-headed normal people, that was trapped up in the popular crowd. so yeah. im happy about it. but im not. its not that im not. this isnt making sense is it? ive got reservations about seeing her; but its not her. i just dont know. im also totally satisfied in stating that im making this out to be more than it is. i made the joke the other day that the only reason shed have agreed to see me, must be because she forgot what i looked like. yeah thats probably true. time does that faces. time changes how we remember people. we keep this perfect picture of someone in our mind, and we carry it around for ourselves for years and years. and then time is cruel to us. time takes away, and strips out the beauty from the things we remember. time blanches our good looks, time robs us of our youth, time gives us maturity. it ages us. it changes us. so that some days when you get up, you wont recognize the person you see. and its not that they arent still the same person you remember them to be... its just that time has changed it all for you.

i tried to sit and think why i wouldnt be happy about meeting up with her. honestly my track record at this is pretty bad. i think of all the 'lets get together' dates ive had in the last few years... ZERO have worked out. doesnt matter if it was that girl from rhetoric, the girl from biology in high school, or even the girl you sat next to last semester in lecture.... it just doesnt work. i guess i expect too much out of it. maybe i just walk into it all with the wrong ideas. i approach it as meaning something more than seeing someone. i guess i address it as a genuine shot at something more. im usually wrong. i think some of the girls ive gone out with have been more impressed by what ive done and what i say that with me. i suppose it could make an interesting rainy-day lunch conversation, talking to someone about experiences as a student leader; or about galavanting around your hometown, telling stories of crap youve gotten into... but its much harder to imagine having an interesting conversation with me. scott tentds to say the things that arent quite like what you want to hear. and hes not easy to look at either. i suppose if i looked like brad pitt, and talked like a moron, id get farther... shit, its worked well for keanu reeves. but no. god 'blessed' me with the ability to think, not the ability to be coveted. its a disadvantage, and its an ace-in-the-hole all at once. i never really sat and thought about it all this way until after the first one of these 'reunion dates' as i call them. i was just shitting my pants in anticipation of seeing this girl again. then she brought a friend with. then the conversation started going sour. then i realized they were into my friends. then they were asking me to hook up the friend with my friend. then i started looking out the window alot. its tough to keep your interest in a conversation like that. i realized i wasnt the object of the discussion; and wouldnt likely add anything to it that they would appreciate. sometimes its a curse like that.

i never want to get too happy about these kind of things because i know they arent anything; but i start thinking that they might become something. and thats just a horrible approach to take. you end up getting sawed off at the knees alot like i do. one of those, 'oh so you just uh, came to see if i could get you an A in a class' rather than 'wow you dig me:? cool' nothing good ever comes out of this. i just find people want something out of me. thats allways a downer for it. about a big a downer as thinking to yourself, that maybe this girl actually wants to be seen in public with me. nah. thats not true either. you dont find that out till later on tho... when she asks to move to the table in the dark corner of the room, instead of the one by the window. hell how about when you get the ones that call you the day before and cancel; they tell you theyd rather just talk on the phone to you. then you know somethings up. or maybe when they look dissappointed when they see you the first time. you know somethings up then. and its not your stock value. its a bad spot to get into. its alot like dating someone that turns out to be totally different than you wanted. i think everyone can attest to something like that. you just get so built up on what your going to get; and you get to it. and its crap.

i also guess im apprehensive about it all because, really if it would work out... im not sure that i want to move on. theres stuff and people around me now, that id almost want to wait and see how it all works out first. before i start signing myself away. but its not bad. shed be great. prolly better than what id find around here. so why the doubt? i dunno. really i cant even make a good excuse for myself. if i look at my real odds, nothing is going to pan out here. im never going to get consideration. its just not going to happen. besides, i never have before. im allways the one who girls would rather not date. i frequently hear; "you dont count" "youre different" "i dont think of you that way" never any of the good answers you might want to hear. not even sporadically. you just dont hear it. its rough. sometimes i sit and think to myself, what the hell do you have to do to enusre that everytime you meet a girl; you get lumped in the friend only category? i dont know any more. even the girls you stop and go, woah, i want to play this one right... woah, this girl is different, dont do this like you do all the others. but it doesnt matter, its all the same heap of shit in the end. doesnt matter how bad it stinks in the meantime. i guess i can say i want more out of my options. id like to have an opportunity where id be the interesting one during a lunch date. id like a chance to be known as a viable option in the dating game, much more so than just 'that guy' i guess id like to get a fair shot at who i want, before i get turned away. im asking for alot more than im going to get anytime soon. i realize that. just as i realize, i know that whatever i tell myself about what could and couldnt happen; is whatever i want to make of it all. its nothing more than that. for me, its never going to be anything more than that.

im rambling... im delerious... im probably right...

ain't it fun~
s.

---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ----

ill keep this one short, i promise! just wanted to throw something up here to all of you out in viewo land that seem to read this... very cool. everyday im actually running into people who comment about this and want to see more or hate it or just cant stop reading it. very cool indeed. never thought this would be something that people would want to read; just thought of it as a storage locker for my thoughts really. kinda shocked that from my best guestimates; ive got about 50 loyal readers now. rock on. all i can say is wow, im impressed that all of you read this, and im even more impressed that you share this link out to people.... if my thoughts were drugs; id be a bonafide cartel by now. and i owe it all to my little thought junkies out there in viewo land. keep it up, ill keep writing, you keep reading; and well see where that leads us.

if you want to link me out, go for it: http://salvarad.blogspot.com

as always.... questions, comments, snide remarks... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

regular blogging activities will resume tomorrow or sometime after

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Gilby Clarke - Black [live version]

" if i told you i could love you || i fear youll think im weak || ive never had a friend that was my lover || when i wake up from my sleep || and i feel you next to me || im so happy inside; but id be crushed if youd leave... || its so black.... its so black... no one understands my hell... || black... so black... im a stranger to myself "

its kinda funny... this song is one of those thats started out as me just liking the sound... turns out i really like the lyrics to it as well... sometimes its tough to come up with a song like that--where every piece of it sounds different everytime you hear it; and you start to like different parts of the song... but its not a complicated song. its pretty simple. guitars, distortion effects, little reverb... set a delay on the first part, and you can play the song by yourself. if youve got the same kinda croon that Gilbys got. which is another thing i really like about the mans songs... for the most part i can sing along with them. ah yes, granted i cant sing, id use the tone deaf excuse but its not true, im just awful at it. never liked it. but i do like singing along sometimes. plus i have pretty odd range when i do sing. anyways; whether i cant match pitches, have no talent and no range, still doesnt explain why his music is so easy and catchy. lot of his songs are about nothing much [even he admits this in interviews] just a bunch of songs he writes down; maybe not even conencted thoughts, just random songs or guitar licks he liked. interesting approach in this world of over-produced chart toppers; or musically motivated works, by performers that convince themselves [and us sometimes] that its about 'the music' when its just a bunch of complete crap [read: Radiohead, or similar band of your hatred]. its a nice approach to music. honestly i could pick prolly half a dozen of his songs as his best song. its kinda like that.

also somewhat musically related... GNR... GNR....GNR....GNR 6 days away. although alot of people on the 'net have spoiled the setlist, and lots of things have come up pointing out that this is nothing more than a 'warmup tour' [in axl's own words] it should be hard to pysche ones self into it... but its not. im still pretty thrilled about going-- although... it turns out none of my favorite songs have been getting played anywhere else in the country. which is a load of shit; some of those songs are the bread and butter of the group's musical presence and accomplishments... yet, this isnt the same band... this is the Axl Rose project as some are calling it.... this is a new breed of musicians with their own stories to tell i guess. even so, i still want to hear it. 6 fuckin days man... 6 fuckin days.

actually i was a bit surprised by you all... no one really asked me about the previous post... i had figured people would ask me about the dream or want to know more about it.. but no one really did. kinda surprised. honestly it did shake me up a bit. everything was so clear in it all, but like a dream the only things that were in focus were the things that wanted to be. i cant remember what color of paint they used on the walls, or whether the hallway was carpeted or tilled; or if i noticed everyones shoes were untied... everything that wasnt meant to be clear was left fuzzy. its frustrating like that. you want to sit and remember and make more sense out of something like that, and you just dont have any more details... i guess its like going to the beach, and trying to figure out who was there yesterday by the footprints---but not looking until after the tide has come and gone. almost everything, every trace of existence is gone now; except for those major things. what scares me the most about it all is some of the things in it that just haunt me. really, it haunts me. getting flowers from an ex on your funeral could do that... but BLACK fucking flowers... thats not right. and i really dont know who i was looking for to be there.... ok maybe i do, but im sharing that. i dont know why i focused on the empty chair so much; but i did thats what it was like. it wasnt even like i had a chance to think about it, or make myself angry about it; i just was. lots of things could bug me about it i guess is what im trying to say. but only a few things really did. i suppose its all just telling me things i allready knew, but dont want to see in life. its all the shit i choose to ignore or stuff i let go; and when im asleep and my mind starts cranking away, its there then... because im not awake to be on guard to defend against any of it anymore.

its all a game of defense anymore i get alot of "what the hell did you ever see in that girl" to defend... its tough to defend it, but come again, its easy to. i look to the bright spots and say thats why i did it; i can look back and say yeah, thats where i really realized i was ready for mature relationships. not yep, shes a bitch; fuck her. its defense. then theres the questions and things about what i do, that i myself doubt. its always been a common procedure for me to do it; but why is it i tend not to tell anyone when i have feelings for them... why is it i just sit back and let it go; hope they find out; hope i dont have to admit to it. then it becomes a game of strategy. thens its how do i go about this, without leaking anything. how do i keep on keeping on; without disclosing that to someone? how do you move around and move friendships and conversations forward when youd rather not. youd rather just sit and unload everything youve wanted to say, and you want them to go 'oh wow, i love you too!' happily ever after, birds in the sky, trumpets blaring all that kinda shit. but it doesnt work like that. you just dont say it. its part of the strategy. a defensive strategy. and its a way of playing the game not to get hurt. its playing it safe, its playing the game to keep the lead. its pathetic really. but its a way of holding on to what youve got and not having to step up to the line to shoot to defend it. its yours and its safe, and nothing is going to change, no ones going to laugh at you for it, its not going to make someone mad or uncomfortable to talk to you. so you strategize and you play defense. maybe thats what that empty chair was about. maybe its just my way of telling myself the frustrations i have in the strategy; and that its going to leave me emptyhanded. maybe thats what the black flowers meant. maybe thats just my way of telling myself why i play defense; why i keep it to myself. and maybe thats why i ended up dead. maybe thats just my way of telling myself its all going to end someday. i wont recognize myself in the end, i wont have what i want, and the failures of the past will still haunt me, even to my grave. maybe thats what its all about. maybe no one cares what i think. and in the end maybe thats what will do me in.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: -none-

i really need to stop doing this... lately ive been eratic as all shit. some nights i sleep, some i dont. some days i sleep, some i dont. lately my whole world just seems to be spining slightly out of balance... kinda like the washing machine when you put lots of towels and jeans on one side... im not quite sure why either. i havent done anything new or different or had any of those 'life changing experiences' the magazines and telepreachers talk about... no major life pyscho-stressors either as Freud would call them... nothing seems to be really out of the ordinary. just plain, same old, nothing.

again its frustrating; because id like to have a reason to bitch and and be mad over... a good reason--something solid and definite, that i can rely on. "THIS FUCKED ME UP, AND IS STILL FUCKING WITH ME" something clear like that. but no. just nothing in my head more than the usual baggage i bring with. and i cant say that its even it this time. sure i get periodic spats of the past creeping back into my mind, but really not enough that would do anything to my sleep cycle like this. someone suggested maybe im bi-polar. boy thats fun. i doubt it. according to the DSM-IV i dont really have anything else that would clinically diagnose me with it. shit, im probably much closer to the defintion of schizophrenia than that. besides, bi-polarism tends to come in seasons, and this is one of my favorite seasons. doesnt make much sense.

i suppose i could just admit the obvious and just fess up that its life and my complications against my life that probably lead me where i am at 4 in the morning. maybe its man-ly not to do that. eitherway, id im sure my expression of anomie is probably somewhat to blame. all the studying and reading ive done with my life on the topic would be ironically fitting to see me come down under the paws of something like it. i wouldnt at all be surprised if someone sat down and studied my life, that they would find a great that great distance between my intentions with life, and where ive been dropped in the mean time. its probably not that either. but...

i had a really, really bad dream last night. and normally im not one to remember my dreams when i wake up. this one was different. this one has stuck with me since about 4am last night when it work me up... honestly i havent been able to sleep since [even stayed away from caffine today]. its pretty much me dead. hope you werent expecting anything cheerful. i dont really know what to make of it all... but this is how it all went. some of it is fuzzy, but it was so vivid and real to me. i can remember at the begining of it, looking down at my lap and seeing my hands-- and they dont look like my hands. but they are. it takes me a minute, just watching my hands move around, and turning over before i can even recognize them. nothing else is me tho. the pants and jacket arent mine. the shoes could be mine, but arent. the watch isnt mine. i dont smell like me. i feel my face and my beard is gone, i feel my head, and my hair is short. and im wearing glasses... i dont wear glasses. but i didnt notice that i was wearing any either... not until i felt them. its about then, that i remember wanting to scream or say something; when i realize im in a room full of people. people in chairs, people sitting next to me, infront of me, all around me. its not till then that i can hear the whispered conversations, some one sobbing softly behind me... someone laughing to my right. then i hear the organ music. its not real. its one of those crappy electric ones... i can tell by hearing it. its somewhere infront, but i cant see it. i cant see much of anything really. too many people. i remember looking around me, scanning for information... looking at all these faces.. mostly solemn... some just expressionless. and i dont recognize them. some of them i do. i recognize a kid from my freshman year. but maybe its not. he looks older. lots of people i see do. theres a teacher i had in high school.. he looks really old. theres that girl i used to have a crush on in jr. high. she looks different. all this looking; and i feel like im obvious in doing it--- but no one notices me. no one seems to catch my eyes. i look at them, but no one looks back at me. its eerie. so is the music. it seems familiar. the smell is bad in here too. smells like crappy air freshener.... like flowers.... it smells like funeral parlor or incense. i turn around in my seat, and i can see theres alot more rows... all pews.. im in a church i guess. big vaulted ceiling. lights and stained glass on the walls. its no church ive ever been in tho. i look back, and still no one looks at me. some old women is sitting behind me, dabbing her eyes with a frilly handkerchief. but i dont know her. or the kid sitting next to her. kinda reminds me of me. orange hair going every which way. bad looking brown suit, with tennis shoes siticking out. but i dont know him either. its surreal. then i notice the music again. this time i can place it. the last few bars are unmistakeable. they are playing some ' Zeppelin. its a bad organ rendition of Stairway to Heaven. im trying to settle back in to my seat, facing forward again, when i see the casket. im only about 3 rows back from the front, but id never noticed it. its brown. woodgrain. brass hardware on it. darkwood. maple or cherry maybe. cant tell from here. i guess its a funeral. the casket is open, but i cant see it well. cant see the face. its a white person, in a dark suit. light grey lining in open part. still i dont get it. theres not pictures of the deceased anywhere up front. few flowers. doesnt make sense. i can remember just sitting there. all these people around me, and there must be 200 if theres any; but theres no pictures or flowers. and i just wonder who the hell is this person that all these people come to their funeral, but no one cares enough to send flowers. my head hurts. i touch my face, it feels familiar, but its not. its like touching someone elses face with your hand... but my face feels like its being touched, but by someone elses hand... the two feelings just arent coinciding. i put my hand down in time to see my parents walk past me in the aisle. mom and dad. mom doesnt look too good. shes been crying alot. dad has too. but neither of them look really sad per say. dad helps mom sit down. then i see my brother and sister come in from a side door. megan doesnt seem bothered at all by this, and sam just looks frustrated. they look older. maybe 10 years... but not quite. dads bald spot is bigger, that i can see now that hes sitting down. but nothing else looks out of place. i kinda wonder why they didnt see me. just a sinking feeling of something not feeling right. i stand up and push my way over the guy sitting next to me. he nods as i grunt and move past. i recognize him. i know him from school, hes an administrator i deal with. but he doesnt recognize me, or look twice, so i keep moving. i get out into the aisle and look around. there are lots of people, and more comming in. and usher moves past me with some flowers. i recognize him. hes one of my best friends. i say something to him and he turns around. yeah its him. but he doesnt react. its like im some stranger. thats when i started sweating. i try to talk to him... but all i can come up with is something about directions to the restroom. he points with his head to the back of the church. i say something to him... thankyou or something... and as i turn i glance at the flowers. they are black. the tag is open. i can read the name signed on the bottom. why would she send flowers here? who the hell died??? its my ex-girlfriend's name [the one ive written about before in here]. i breathe deep and move out quickly. my heads moving fast, and my feet are slow. i pass rows and rows of people and i see them all, and i see none of them. some i know. some are kids from class, theres a friend from soc. theres that kid that works the desk. thats my TA from latin. thats a guy i used to sit next to in lecture. some people are family friends too. theres our neighbors from 10 years ago. theres some people from my parents church. i dont care tho. this doesnt seem right. i want out. i get most of the way to the back when my aunt mary-ann passes me with dave. they are walking up to the front. but neither seems to notice me. too many people here. its too wrong to be anything else than what im thinking it is.. i just want out of here. i get to the doors, and the guys there look at me; one hands me a bulletin. "In memoriam..." then a picture of my face. it doesnt look like me. but it is me. im older. my hair is short. im wearing a suit. no beard. i look thinner. but its me. my name is at the bottom. i feel like throwing up. cold sweat it just running down my neck. one of the ushers asks me if im allright... i dont say anything. he hands me a cigarette. i look at him. its another of my good friends from back home. only, he doesnt seem to recognize me. i take it. its menthol. i hate menthol. i tell him that. he laughs. he says, "yeah, scotty used to call these things pine trees" then he looks away. i force myself to laugh. its hard. i try to make small talk. the weathers nice... warm, but cloudy and dark. he says nothing. just nods. i turn away. i dont know what to say to him. im just thinking to myself what the fuck do you tell your best friend at your funeral? then i blurt it out. "did you see _ _ _ _ sent flowers?" he chokes on the drag hes taking. he closes his eyes "naw, i didnt... i didnt see that.. wow." i dont know what to say next. but it happens, like im not in control of it.. "think hed have liked that?" he stops, and looks into the church, then he answers me "i dunno man. he probably would. hed probably like it better if he didnt have to die to hear from her though" we both laugh uncomfortably. the cigarette helped. im calm.. but cold from the sweat. my hands are shaking. i call to him by the nickname i gave him. he turns and looks at me; like hes expecting to hear it from someone else... then he stares at me. i thank him for the smoke and i go inside. now im mad. im dead. my friends are here. no one knows me. people i dont speak to anymore, send me flowers, what the fuck happened to me? im walking fast and heavy up to the front. its just building in me. i can see people look at me. thats a kid from high school. thats a girl i worked with. over there is a guy that lives nextdoor. in the corner is a girl i dated once. they all look up at me as i go past, but nothing real. just a glance. long enough for me to see them. im walking faster, now i can hear my feet hitting the stone floor. i can feel the blood pounding in my head, but i dont stop. theres my shop teacher. thats a kid from my ball team theres two girls that live downstairs crying. my hands are clenching, and i wipe the sweat from my head. the veins are pounding in my head. my footsteps are loud now. theres two friends. theres a kid i picked on in grade school. thats my cub scout leader. thats my minister. hes standing up front by the casket. he looks at me. but i dont stop walking. i walk faster. im almost running. my head hurts, my muscles ache, im wringing my hands into fists. my footsteps are echoing. im squinting from the headache. theres a girl i kissed 2 summers ago. theres a couple friends from band. thats my boss and his girlfriend. thats some other admins from the university. thats my ra freshman year. i get to the front of the room. the music starts again. its canned music. at least that shitty organ is done with. its another bad rendition. its the Doors. its The End. there are some flowers up front now that im here. small ones, with tags. red mainly. some white. only one set thats black. they sit under the casket. i look left. theres my parents in the front. the rest of my family going off to the left of them. but right on the aisle-- right next to me--- the closest seat to the casket; its empty. its that grieving widow seat. and those fuckers left it empty. who the fuck are they fucking with? me. on my fucking funeral. and this is how they treat me? they fucking shove it right in my face. if that poor corpse would look out of the casket, the last thing hed see is he never had anyone, he fucking died alone. stupid. remind them all of that why dont you? remind them all he never amounted to shit. remind them how bad he wanted it, and how he never got it. on his fucking last day you do it to him. fucking assholes. no respect. no respect for this guy. and i dont know why im so mad. im not even thinking its me in there. im just thinking what nerve. what balls thats got to take to do that to someone. making this persons friends and family see that. make them see hes not leaving shit behind in the world. make them remember that the day they bury him. make them remember what he could never do. make them remember how no one cared. i look to my right; for something to hit. theres nothing. just another pew full of people. i know them all too. there all my friends.. the ushers. they are wearing black gloves now. sunglasses tucked into their jackets or pockets. they are my pallbearers. they look over at me. but not out of respect. but out of detest. like one of those 'who the fuck do you think you are?' stares. two of them are laughing on the end. "scott would hate this... hed be pissed if they played a shitty version of this song... hed prolly unplug it when no ones looking, right?" they laugh. "yeah, hed want to hear something good and loud man... hed want some 'Stones or GnR" they laugh again..its a forced laugh. but not that its not funny, or that its not true. just that it looks like its hard for them to laugh now. im tired of it now. i stride up to the casket. the hands are folded. they arent mine... those could be anyones hands. but they are mine. i see the jacket. ha! i dont have a suit like that, id never wear something like that... but its got my lapel pin on it. look at that tie; id never wear a tie like... no. thats my tie. i see the face. its cold looking. pale. flushed out.. its got some makeup on it. they do that to corpses... make it look like they are alive. but its not my hair cut. it doesnt look like my face. its not me. but it is. its all me. im older than i thought. maybe 30. 35 possibly. some wrinkles i dont have now. lots of gray in my hair. hairline is receeded. ive got glasses on. but thats me. god dammit thats me! now im mad. im looking at me. im looking at a dead me. its not me. i dont even recognize me. and how can i be looking at me? im starting to loose it. my head is reeling.. its tough to focus on things, i feel like im going to puke. i turn around so fast i almost fall down. i put my hand on the casket to steady my self. and everyone is looking at me. the music changes. its something i dont know.. something classical with strings. i dont know it. fuckit i dont want to hear it. but everyone is still looking at me. i see more people now, some standing in the back. ra's i know, a teacher or two, another kid from high school. id swear thats a stipper i met once years ago. thats some lawyer i know. thats a cop. but im not seeing who im looking for. you arent around. i see that empty chair again as i squint... my head hurts im getting dizzy... then i just feel my feet slide out, and i fall down. im on laying in a pile under my casket and i ram my head into something. i can feel the blood oozing out of my forehead now. it hurts, im dizzy, its wet, but warm... i try to sit up and squint.. everyones looking at me... im on my side and i look over... and i see the black flowers inches from my face... i see the dirt that spilled out of the broken flower pot. and now i see the bright red blood on the black petals. the room is all dark. and thats when i woke up. thats all i remember.

i guess its been a few days... it seems longer than it probably has been for me. lots of times i really wish i could sit and write, rather than go back to the drudgery of life. atleast when im here, and doing this, i dont get phone calls or faxes or shit like that... its just me and my electric paper. funny how that works. id like to think that everything i plunk down that you are about to read is real. its really not. thats the only real property it has. its just electrons that are trapped in silicon, that trigger electromagnetic responses of red and green and blue light; thats really an optical illusion... that becomes the reality. none of this is real. and yet it all is real. nothing here really exists in this space.. its just all shit designed around fooling your brain in to seeing something thats here, but its really not... and all that really is here i guess is whatever we want to be here right? i could make this a picture of a flower pot.. and who the hell cares, its not really here right?

but instead i toss out my sentiment, my feeling and, for better or worse, it happens to pour out as black dots on white dots... all meaningless mindless banter that prolly doesnt amount to jack shit. but here we are... staring at it. hell some of you actually read this... some of you actually read INTO this.... simply amazing. nothings real. nothing is right, nothing is wrong. nothing is. yet, right here, right now, this... this is real? this is real enough to you and me, isn't it? even though theres really nothing here. nothing at all but a bunch of feelings and musings by some guy, that some how end up as dots on a piece of glass. and the only thing thats real about it is thats all the reality is.

reality is what we make it to be. reality is, what is real to us. only in the truest sense is something real, can it become reality. why do i care? why are you reading this? do you care? probably not. is that real? probably. whats the reality of it? i dont get it. reality is what we make it to be. so what ever we want we either make real, or we have to some how let exist before hand.... begging some circular approach to making anything real, in a very obscenely sense of subjectivity. somethings in life we can count as false and not real. my hand is not green. i do not have wings. i am not dead. more or less these are verifiable instances of truth or falsity; but does that make them real? arent they real enough possibilities if we have to construct a way to verify that 'yes this is real, or no this is not real?' so being real only is a property of acceptance again. what we accept as real is real. we isnt real, we accept as unreal. so that makes reality a sense of all things real? maybe.

your probably asking yourself, why is this nut job talking about some epistemic and metaepistemical concepts that belong in a theater class or a philosophy discussion. meh. if reality is only what we make it, how do we judge if reality is ground-able or can come to pass? how can we tell someone " get real man " or, "shit man, start living in reality" its a term that, by nature, lets a subjective selection of values to become real.... as per the definition of the user. {{{{ scratch your head some more. }}}}

reality isnt fair to me. reality suggests that all things real become my universe. reality isnt allways happy, it isnt allways sad; reality is just real. its not projected, its not expected and its probably not subjective. its real. its true or false, its verifiable or it isnt. so then why is it my life... my reality... doesnt seem to include things that are supposed to be real. like this conversation. like we said; none of this is real. its all fake... and we can sit and argure and verify that this monitor is indeed outputting black dots on white dots; but its all just dots. its not words, its not emotion, its not sensitivity, and its not truth or intruth. its fucking dots. in reality, were all sitting back and making sense out of black dots that dont exist. turn off your monitor... see, they dissappear... they werent there, they arent there.. that is reality. something that can come and go, and be there and then dissappear. thats reality.

so none of this makes sense when you tell yourself about reality. ive told myself before that, ive got to make a real conceited effort to achieve something. my only real shot at anything is probably not real. if it were real, it wouldnt be a shot.. it would be. it would be a part of reality. this big construct of all things that are real. but its not. what you want is not. who you want is not. none of it is a part of your reality. yet its all very real. you find yourself thinking about it at 3 am like this... you really want it. but in reality your not going to get it. turn off your thoughts. kill your desires. nothing is real. nothing but reality is real. and reality is nothing more than real things.

you tell yourself at night, when you cant sleep that, what you may feel is real. your feelings are strong, its a solid conviction of emotion of love or lust or respect or all the above. but its not real. theres nothing there. prove the reality. find those black dots on white dots.. they arent there. your feelings arent in the realm of reality. but are they no less real? dont they keep you up at night... dont they drive you to say things? dont they make you what you are? and how is that not real? how is it that youve got a real reaction to something, and it doesnt become a part of reality? it doesnt tho. its not real to them. its not real to you. if it was, then what? what if i told you it IS real. it IS there... verifiable and true... would you make it a part of your reality? not if its not real to you. not if those feelings are meeting up in your eyes as a real concern. as a real example of sentiment. as a real possibility. and until then, it just cant become reality. ask yourself that.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: the Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps

" I look at you all || See the love there that's sleeping || While my guitar gently weeps || I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping || Still my guitar gently weeps "

not sure why im typing tonight... ive used that excuse before, but im using it again i guess. i sat and re-read part of my last entry, and saw how some of you couldnt understand what i was getting at, with grammatical errors and length aside. it was a little unclear. not much i can say really. i didnt want to put things out too explicitly... so far one person has picked up on what i said. im sure the rest of you will; if not, when all this has come and gone, maybe ill lay it out in exacting words. for now, i guess its just not important enough for you all to know... its just something ill keep to myself. its something that i know ill always beat myself up for, but i wont say it. it is something i just have to keep to myself this time. really that was the point of the whole entry. something on those external reasons why youd keep something to yourself... something you may most desparately want to share with someone else, but you know you cant. thats kinda where i was. maybe its where i still am. but more importantly, it doesnt matter anymore. eh, let me rephrase that... at this point in time, it doesnt matter... maybe i should follow your suggestions and stop nixing my own ideas before they emerge; but i think i wont. i think i cant say what i want to, because i genuinely know better than to do that. i really think that by saying what id like to say would make everything so much harder on me, that its better that i dont. sorry people, thats all im going to say about it.

yesterday i had an intersting conversation with someone at the desk. it was one of those stories from people that make you almost feel guilty for what you have. it was alot about parental mistreatment, and growing up in a really, really bad family position. something i do actually think no child should ever have to go through. as it all progressed, it came out that im appearantly the only person in the room with 'normal' parents. after hearing some of the stories from people, it does almost make me feel guilty for having them. and thats not right... no one in the room said i should be, and no one should ever feel guilty to have parents that are still married, still happy together, and that still love their children; absent all domestic disturbances, addictions and pyscho stresser disorders in existence. 2 normal, sane, parents. it made me wonder how it all balances out in the end. how much like their parents will kids become, and how much like them will they not? it seems every other child of similar 'normal' parents like me, is drifting farther from the image of their parents... yet the kids from fucked up families... yeah i dont know what expect from them. dont think im getting bleeding heart syndrome here... just that i guess ive always taken for granted maybe how fortunate my upbringing was in comparision to others, and maybe im surprised at how well some kids adjust after theirs.

not feeling too well... i guess ill just leave it at that, and go pass out... ill finish it off with more things tomorrow i hope.

" I don't know why nobody told you || How to unfold your love || I don't know how someone controlled you || They bought and sold you || I look at the world and I notice it's turning || While my guitar gently weeps || With every mistake we must surely be learning || Still my guitar gently weeps "


ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: the Doors - the End

couple of you have again made comments about what i post... this time ranging from 'isnt that kind of sad' to 'do you need couciling' to my favorite one; "are you happy with yourself, or do you try to be depressing?"---- no, i dont have to try people! again, not that any of you are appearantly worried, or expressed any true genuine concern, past the point of stating your opinion; but no i am fine. like everyone i go through my highs and my lows, my rapid fire and my lulls. i guess the other night i just feel like expressing what i thought at the moment... didnt care to type a story or an example, just thought that whatever i was going to put down, would cover my mood.

but life is like that isnt it? really life is nothing more than a build up to something, then it just takes it away from you; like a punch in the solar plexus; all the wind leaves you just as easily as it came in, just usually with less grace. life really hasnt been much of anything to me lately; really it has been a series of highs, that really never get to keep going up... if im lucky, they plateau out then slowly decline. more often, they just collapse unexpectedly. like a weary prize fighter, i may get knocked to my knees, but i hope that each time i do so, i still have the will stand, and keep on; rather than having the fight stopped. but you can never be too certain with life. nothing ever is.

theres alot of things in life that take effort to do. i guess, the only time when you notice the exertion, is when your either A- slowing down from the strain, or B- nearing your goal... i cant say i was really in solid standing with either, and maybe it was a half assed attempt at both... but i think i was getting there.... and, with lifes uncertainty factor, just as it is, you hit a setback. setback is the positive word... atleast setback implies that your going to move on; that its possible to move on... blockade is what i prefer; its slightly more negative, but closer to reality. the events would cause udue hardship or duress to overcome, but its in the realm of possibilities to do... its just a rather difficult task, that should prove an effective stoppage to whatever your trying to do. maybe thats what i hit... its not easy to tell these days. like running over something with the lawnmower, you really can only tell what it is once you move past it, then stop and think about what it could have been. its not like its a stump or a curb or something youd know right away... no, youve lodged that blade deep inside of some critter or shit pile several times; and now by god, your going to get to see it was.... just spread out over the lawn.

but life often turns out that way doesnt it? a wonderful lawn mosaic, right out in the open for your neighbors to see... honest to god, they enjoy it; just as much as you enjoyed chipping that golf ball through their back window and blaming the neighborhood kids for it. people seem to be that way. its not a matter of it being anyone elses business what happens; just so long as they get to see it all. that tends to make alot more complications on life than should be necessary; just the idea that your going to be playing with an audience.

and i suppose if your going to accept that life is always going make you put on a show, that others will always watch; then you may as well just figure on it being a show. whats the most important aspect of any performance? - timing. without the correct timing, nothing can be pulled off... so whenever you may actually strike up the nerve to do something in life; be prepared to understand that, if its not timed right; youve wasted your time. besides, now youve screwed up, and youve put it on display, and now you did it at an inopportune time... what could be worse? im not sure. but thats life. thats how the saying goes.

so who the hell really cares? good point. i guess im talking circles around something. more importantly im making myself stay away from it; and why is that? well if you read any of the above, youd be clued in... id rather not make a fool of myself, for something ive worked too hard at to ruin, to get put around in the gossip circles, when this is all obviously the wrong time to do. besides, im probably wrong anyway. and nothing could really be worse than that... walking into something with strong convictions about what your about to do; then end up the laughing stock of everyone in attendence. its happened before, but i dont want it to happen again.

you can sit and ask yourself alot of questions, and never come across any answers for it; and thats frustrating. but its not as frustrating as never being able to come up with the right answer. and who knows what the right answer is; maybe i would have been right, maybe id be wrong to say it... hell maybe saying nothing at all, and just keeping it all to myself is the right action. like i said, life can be funny that way sometimes. life can just be a series of setbacks, that really dont seem to lead you anywhere but to more setbacks. no compromises, no learning curves, no guidance, no advancement, just stopped cold in your tracks one more time. getting that cold feeling of uselessness again, one more time. knowing that what you think, and what you want to tell someone should better not come out; and one more time your at it again.

when you sit back and think of it all; really where has life lead you to by now? with my life, im no closer to what i want, or really where i want to be than i was 5 years ago. if i sit and look at my goals; day by day, it looks more and more grim. sometime ago, i had to sit and level with myself that some of those goals are too lofty, too ambitious, too unattainable for me to try for. you never want to make that choice for yourself. you never want to sit and tell yourself to permanently cross something off the list. but you do. kinda like when you really want to fess up to something; and you know you cant... you know that by saying what you know, your only going to make things worse. so you stuff it back down again. if it pops up, you push it down harder. eventually you learn to swallow your pride on a lot of issues; even the things you shouldnt. some things in life you should just put out there; let everyone know it, just say it all and be done with it. but. you cant do that. this is one time. just one more time, when i realize i cant say it.

you learn that lesson slowly. you learn it by doing it. the first time you hit this juncture, you go for it; you play the gut reaction and you run right up the middle with it. and you watch yourself get hit so hard, that your heels are the last thing to hit the earth. the next time your more cautious with the play, and you go around the end... no matter. youll get tripped up and pulled back. and maybe even after a few times, you get gutsy, you pysche yourself into it, and you say fuckit, cut away the dead skin, and make a dash for it. then you get cut down. its a self taught lesson mainly. you say what you need to, you get hit for it, you learn not to say it. and hear i am. several dozen trials removed from the first time; and maybe ive learned my lesson, because i havent said anything.

even when you know you want to say it; your dying to say it; you think the walls just ooze what your will... you dont do it. you catch yourself, and you just flog the living fuck out of your mind for it. your soul says "what the hell man" and your mind goes "im not going back in there" you can sit and fight yourself on it all day; i sure have. but by then, youve lost all sense of timing. although your emotion and vigor maybe right and strong; your too far behind the front to make any difference now. now, everything has moved along and your chance is gone again. and you could just get angry about it, and slam your head into a wall, or cry over it; but it doesnt mean a thing. its over, its gone, its done now.

so its done? so thats supposed to mean its over, but its not. see, youve still got your feelings and now youve just got your tail between your legs. no closer to where you may want to be; let alone from where your feeling might want to take you. even if your gut and your head disagree; youd still be moving if you just did it. but you know better. no one takes a big long-haired circus freak seriously. god knows someone like that couldnt have a genuine feeling about someone. no, we just want those kind of people to shut up; and move away. so maybe thats why i did it. maybe its not even the pain it would cause me to know that what id say wouldnt be taken in; but to know that just avoiding that situation is what the other person wants. ive see that too. ive see the letters and heard the words that tell you, You, are the root of their suffering. whatever it is, you did it. whatever complications you put on their life, you did it. whatever feeling you put into it, you did it against their will. and whatever intentions you may have had, its not theirs. it just isnt.

so no matter what i guess i do; i know its not going to come out right in the end. i know that my feelings can be so strong that it makes other people recognize them; but if its not what you want, then i guess im asking to much. fuck, timing issues aside, i could open my mouth and drop the words on you in a second.... but the response will be the same.

"i never knew you felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"

no more magic ideas, no more happiness, no more of that fucking fairytale bullshit. its you, and its the cold hard truth kickin your teeth to the back off your skull, and what are you going to do? you can protest, you can fidget, you can scream, or you can take it like a man. but you knew the answer before you asked the question. maybe thats why i didnt do it this time. maybe the answer was different; but ive only learned the answer to be wrong. and its got to be wrong-- its got to be that its them... they dont get it, they dont understand, they are missing out on you... not the other way around. but thats how you end up. you missing out on them. each time. every time. you end up missing out again.

in life, you always want whats best for you. maybe this time, its whats best for them. i know i could make a difference, i know i would love and appreciate them. but would they? are they ready for that? no. are you ever going to be? probably not. theres so many choices out there in the world, that its pretty self-righteous to assert that you, proper, are the be all end all solution for them. quit lying to yourself if you think otherwise. your a dirtbag. your the pile of shit on someones doorstep that ruins their day. and thats how people see you. stop asking yourself about it. start listening to the responses you get. maybe thats what i learned the most about. maybe i just learned to know im not going to be the pick for Someone, and maybe not for anyone. why complicate things? why bother to say the things you want to say? none of its what they want to hear. why put your feelings up on the block? we all know fat circus freaks cant have feelings. besides if they did, we know they cant be for you; thats just not right; because you wouldnt want it that way. fuck em. let them be someone elses problem. i want mr. j-crew; not that piece of trash thats standing infront of me. besides, who the hell do they think they are? god damn ghandi? just tell them in a way that makes me sound blameless, just tell them;

"i never knew ou felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"

spare me this time. i held it all in because of you. for once i learned my lesson. dont say it. dont ask it--dont think it--dont want it--dont try for it---dont believe it... just dont. when you get back into your corner; you can just tell yourself that the timing wasnt quite right... or you couldnt do it with people around, or it just wasnt meant to be. tell yourself something. tell me something. give a reason for once to yourself that says you did the right thing. they wont ever know it; but then again, they wouldnt want to. they wouldnt want you.



ain't it fun~
s.

without the useless world; id be left all alone
no right no wrong, no reason, just something all my own

without the night the days are bright
im fortunate for rain, especially tonight
as the church strikes 9, i feel no sorrow
yesterday was, and now it is tomorrow

in the pale moon light the truth was once shown
its in this cold autumn air, that i now walk alone

the thoughts of you still linger, im sure they always will
some days are difficult now, but weakly my heart beats still
ive forgotten now all those times, memories of you i kill

takes your memories and let them crumble away to dust
with you i was something, without you i still lust

cut off that part of me, just let 'me' fade away
i want it all back, but be things as they may
now i walk the path alone, by myself, alone today

let this ruse, this cruel trick; flee now from my mind
heartbreak and discontent, the things you left behind

on these cold days of yesterday, i still think of you;
- the leaf-laden grass is cold and fresh with evening dew;
the talks we had; the lies you said, they still arent true;
- ive let it all go, just an empty husk now, all because of you

once i asked myself, "is this worth what youve done to me?"
but no one would answer me; "just move on and let things be"

and in the end; i will be alone, no one will dispute me that
but in those years of solitude death creeps up my lonely path

all those days, those feelings and those tears
they all elude me now, moving through the years
slowly the fog will rise, i bet it never clears
when i see the end, its worse than all my fears

its nothing more than an empty street
with me bleeding, lying at your feet

-----------------
ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection - Kenny Wayne Shepard Band - Was

this one of those times when im not real sure why im writing. i just made an entry the other day... and honestly i dont have anything really new to add.. but i found myself typing here.... figured id may as well make the most of it. speaking of doing odd things on auto pilot: lately theres been alot of talk about ex's and past relationships and breakups going around... well tonight i found myself [again] using google for a legitmate search, and saw me type in my ex's name... i guess its not the point that i didnt find anything [other than where shes at now, and what her email address is....] but... its just something i guess i dont know if i like about myself. today i had an IM convo with someone who really seems to be going through the post-breakup feelings now, and i tried to talk, from experience, that i knew what that was like... that i was past that breakup part, but here i am, looking up her fucking name on google search. i dont like me doing that. frankly it scares me. i was one of those people who, yes admitedly, had a very hard time getting over her... shit i still carried her picture in my wallet almost 2 years afterwards; fuck ive still got a picture of us on my wall... but all in all i thought iw as over her... and times like this, when i find myself doing something stupid like that, i really wonder about me. i wonder how much sanity i have, and why i appearantly give myself too much credit sometimes. its important to say, i WANT to be over her. where am i really at on that scale? i dunno, id like to think miles past the marker..but days like today make me think i fall into a regression pretty easily. how cured can you be, if you slip in to remission that easily... a few words with someone else earlier in the day takes you right back to where you were... its bullshit. i shouldnt do it, and it shouldnt bother me... but i did, and it does. and now its really occupying alot more of my time than say... latin, or stats... just from that one unconscious act, ive now violated part of the terms of the breakup... i found her new email and postal address. when she left, that stuff was explicitly not given to me. maybe she can lie to herself and just say she didnt have the time to give it to me; or maybe it just slipped her mind-- but it was a definite act... and it was very fitting of our relationship. i dont want to know.. i didnt want to know it. i wanted to live my life and move the fuck on. but now i know it. knowing me, ill send her something now. ill be drunk, or stupid, and just send her something... and i shouldnt. i dont want to, but somewhere deep inside me i guess i still do.. and thats wrong. i scare me sometimes. i want to be to the point in my life where i dont ever have to sit and think about her again. and i guess im not there yet. now i kinda question if ill ever get there... i used to think i was there... now im not so sure where i am. i liked it when i knew; i liked it when i felt in control of myself. i liked myself better then. its kinda hard finding yourself doing stuff like that at 3 am, and lie-ing to yourself that you are in control. bullshit. appearantly she still is, whether she knows it or not. so to you [you know who you are] thats why i didnt have much to say... i guess im not a good model of getting over people. actually im doing a pretty poor job of it still, maybe you can do better than me.

questions, comments, snide remarks ? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Double Talkin Jive

::::: found a head and an arm in a garbage can.. dont know why im here... livin on the run for oh so long; i gotta go collect... double talkin jive, get the money mutherfucker, cuz ive got no more paitence... double talkin LIES, and ive got no more paitence... man... are diggin... what im sayin to you? home-fucker! :::::

started playing this one and typin it out in a lyric war with someone on IM tonight... couldnt get it out of my head for a bit.. so here it is... once again, one more top notch anthem for GnR that never made the airwaves. Jive was never released as a single, and not as a B side either, i dont think.. but Double Talkin Jive is one of the fan favorites to hear live, usually for the soloing and interp that comes with the end of the song... lotta times it allows duff'er and slash to keep on playing and tagging back and forth in several musical styles... most noteably spanish flamenco... cool stuff.. its one of those songs that i crank to 10 and scream with. allways great to hear after a long day of getting screwed.... ofcourse, its off Illusions - 1, track 10 iirc... good shhhtuff
----

oh man.. today was wonderful. ultra crapfuckingtastic stats... [read: lab day in stats], it just means Wieting doesnt like my project, or my data, i probably did it wrong... and i dont care!. also had some shitass excuse for a review sheet for the midterm.. yeah, i guess math class now has ESSAY questions... whut the fuck people? who the hell ok's this shit with the University academic standards comittees? besides the point, the review sheet [one side of one page] only covers the essay topics... were 'on your own to cover all the material from lecture, lab and resource projects' fuck that. i hate school.

ordered new business cards yesterday... hope to get them in a week or so... yes, for those of you that are curious, i did get business only ones... im still thinking about making out some personal contact cards as well... something that i can hand out my screen name and home address and cell number on. honestly i dont trust most of the people i know with some of that info... but atleast i wouldnt have to sit and write it out all the time. cards should be nice... im tried of waiting on Res Services to do anything about my cards or University Print Office to do anything.... teeeechnically only org's and dept's can get cards made, and teeeeechnically they wont release me to get them made up on University cards with logos.... so that means i ended up going solo on it... yay for tax write offs !!! either way, i get more cards, cheaper, with what i want on them, sooner; than i would through the University... and still have no bullshit to wade through to get them done. hopefully they will be in by the time Macurh comes around... definietly could come in handy there.

Macurh is another issue alltogether. kudos go to the Failure for actually getting people interested in going... looks like a bunch of people [12 ish] are going now... plus some 'attractive ones' by his standards... yeah folks, we know what that means... im happy and sad about it really. i dont admit to it much, but i will miss being around the people that we took last year. if nothing else, for comedic effect, but for the most part they always kept it interesting... and thinking back on it, macurh last year was really the first time i got to know most of them.. before that, i was pretty much restricted to them staring at me, and looking at their watches during meetings. meh. i guess its all a state of change, isnt it? also somewhat apprehensive about the people we have going... all new people; mostly people who ive never met, and never seen at a meeting... which i guess is ok, its just something that makes me worry... maybe i shouldnt knock them; but maybe i should. these are the people who are supposed to be representing everything that is the University of Iowa in Residence Hall life... im going to place bets, alot of these kids have only lived here the 9 weeks... i know after my first 9 i wouldnt have made a good representative.... time will tell.

my life just doesnt seem to get much better these days.... things tend to stagnate out... then just sit there a while. lots of things seem to take more time then they need to.. like studying for a class; because that takes me away from sleeping, eating, hanging out with friends, talking to other friends online, studying for other classes, or even, god forbid, arh stuff. i guess i never wanted a simple kind of life. a life where i go to school, i have friends, maybe even get to have a girlfriend; and NOTHING ELSE... no hassles, no meetings, no newspaper articles and rebuttals, no hate mail, no pc bullshit, nothing. just what i want. i guess i cant have that. i guess thats too much for me to ask for. i never asked for this job, or what its brought me.... students wanted me, students elected me... i never even campaigned for it all... so i guess i really have nothing and no one to be mad at... just that i cant have the simple kind of life; that everyone else has; that id really like to have. things like that leave you hanging at about 2 in the morning... wondering what ensuing shit storm tomorrow will bring... its never calm... maybe lesser degrees of blizzard, but its allways going to be there. simple kind of life my ass...

i had a really long, and wonderful visit with someone tonight. i suppose you could arge i see them or talk to them alot, but i really dont think so... to me an IM here or there twice a week doesnt count... thats why tonight was really nice. plus they made some office hours go by really fast for me [not that i got any real work done tho], but ive learned from this job, that maybe its not allways about business.... maybe sometimes the most important part of your 9-5 work day, could just be sitting and listening to someone else. granted, it wasnt 9 to 5, and it really wasnt anything work-related about it... it just felt right tho. hopefully they feel better now, i guess i cant offer 'betterness' in a syringe, but i can always sit and listen and talk. talking is the best part of it all actually... when i get to talk to someone long enough, stuff allways comes out... its not like 'i actually was the second gunman on the grassy knoll' but its stuff that to me is important.. its stuff that i can make a better understanding with about someone else. i suppose i can also wrongly say they would also gain a better understanding of me... but thats not the case; and i guess in my life ive found it to be more of a rareity that someone actually does admit to wanting to talk with me. thats probably why im allways shocked that people do want to talk to me when i offer... im never good at dealing with relationships of any sort... be it sexual, friendship or something in between; i guess im just not cut out for it... me personally? i think i deal better with crisis... and i guess maybe thats why i allways seem to find the people that i do.. no wonder why im allways surrounded by nutcase women, its because i react to situations better than i premptively engage them. that why i like arguing, thats why i was good at debate, and maybe, just a little, thats why i like dealing with or seem to select all the girls with massive problems.... i suppose the other way to look at it, is thats all i can get... i suppose thats true too. id rather it just be the prior and not the latter. eitherway, nights like tonight make me happy, atleast to know that im one step closer to someone else in the world than i probably was yesterday; hopefully they feel the same way about it. besides, im allways amazed to hear people think. when i talk to people, i try to make them draw out conclusions, and make them think so i can hear it. i think tonight i actually can appreciate someone a little better than maybe i have now, just because of that. even though you know the reasons, you still might not end up at the same conclusion.. but once you hear the reasons and the logic.. you get a pretty good indication of where its going. and for whatever it may mean, i do appreciate this person, when appearantly alot of other people may not. although it can feel odd at times, and maybe youre never quite sure you should be telling people things... ill always be glad that you people can share those things with me. and for one person in particular tonight; i know you will figure it out some time... just look in places where you wouldnt, and you will find everything just may happen for a reason.

got some responses about the last posting... lots of you, it seems, didnt think i really got mail like that from girls. well, jokes over kids... I DO! like i said, thats not the only one from her, and shes by far not the only one to send me things like that... its a trend that i dont necessarily care for, but at the same time, dont have much ability to control. so alot of you that read this have problems with people or boys or girls in general; i guess read this knowing your not the only one. this person was someone i totally trusted, and really felt solid about. funnily enough, this partly came up in conversation tonight... more of the general sense of knowing right or wrong about someone when you like them... the only thing that i didnt get to say to someone tonight was; as much as i wanted everything to happen with her, all along i knew it was wrong. even though i found myself thinking marriage, everything that comes with serious relationship and all that shit... deep down inside, it never felt right. it never felt right when i talked to her, it never felt right when she called, it didnt even feel right touching her... i was so caught up in the dillusion of what i wanted, i just shut that part of me off. my friends all laughed at me, and told me i was full of shit; but i didnt listen.. what i wanted to hear were my urges to have another human being.... and thats not wrong... just she was. although you may think everything was a big mistake, and maybe it was.. this is just something else to prove that maybe it wasnt right after all. maybe its not quite like the notion of the 'something thats meant to be, will be', but if it was meant to be, then it would have been, and it didnt... looking back at things like that, make me sit and wonder why i never thought that way in the begining... that if none of this plays out, maybe its for the better. maybe thats how you should allways look at it... maybe thats a good place to start. for me, and maybe for you; i guess i know that no matter who you put close to you, they can always bite the hand that feeds; and from all that, i guess ive learned to look around more. that maybe what i want is right infront of me now; and just maybe everything in the universe did pan out just right to put it all within your grasp, if only youll open your eyes to see it for what it is. but maybe im just rambling, delerious from sleep deprevation and lonlieness; and just becomming ever more conscious of my own mortality and faults. ever more contemplative of my dealings and past relationships, more aware of my surroundings, as this may be the last chance i see things.. rushing to take in every last sight before i see no more... in which case, youll probably never know what i mean.... but maybe it could be im the crazy one, and maybe all these people are right to burn me, and chastize me for what i think and what i feel. maybe every one of you is legitimate in your treatment of me; because im truely that far gone from how 'we' think anymore. so youll probably just write me off as such. but maybe, i do have a shred of truth, and maybe im actually on to something, would you recognize it for what it is? would you actually be willing to see me for what i really am, and what i have for you? probably not... because im funny looking. im not cute like you all are accustomed to, i dont act like everyone else does, and i certainly dont treat you like everyone else ever has... so thats got to make me wrong, doesnt it? times like these, id like to think maybe im the right one. but its more important for you to realize that than me. ill just go back to myself until you do.



::::::::::::::::::::::::: 26 DAYS TILL GnR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

ain't it fun~
s.

addendum::::

just after writing the last entry, i decided to check my email... i dunno why, but i did. then i accidently hit the 'saved mail' button on outlook... and i find myself staring back at some mail thats two years old... dated today. i didnt want to read it. i allready know what it said. but i did. i couldnt avoid it. i made myself stop looking at it adn try to go to sleep... and i tried but i couldnt. i just lay awake trying not to think, and i found myself thinking more about it.... so i find myself here again...

people always ask me, what happened that made you so bitter... it takes alot. it takes a lot to bring someone down, and id like to think it takes a hell of alot to get to me... so what kind of shit can you actually do to get to Scott... realize there was much, much more than this, but how about just one excerpt that i cant stop thinking about, thats staring me cold in the face...

" October 16th, 2000

Scott~

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I received your gift and I thought it was very sweet...but unnecessary. I don't think it was appropriate for you to give me anything like that. I know that you have feelings for me, but you have to know that I don't share those feelings, and I never will, and never with you again. When you give a person something it is usually to try and start a relationship with them. We can't have that...I can't have that... and I don't want that. You are nothing that I would ever want in my life, and you just cant seem to understand that no matter how I try to tell you. I honestly don't know why you do what you do. I've moved on. ------- is better than you ever will be, and nothing is going to change that, no matter how much you hate it or wan't it to change. I'm not attracted to you, and I dont know why anyone ever would be. I know that you will probably be angry with me for writing this but I needed to say these things. These are my feelings and I'm just letting you know how I feel. I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful. But I have to now. "

its been a long, long time since id read that. i can honestly remember the feeling of my heart hitting my feet when i read it. i knew she meant it. and im sure if shed even talk to me today, shed tell me the same thing. that i am nothing, and that i am never going to be better than the alternative. its not something i try to think about anymore. its just something you put in the back pocket, and go about your day with. and should the need arise, you can pull that out and refer to it, and then everything makes sense.

its tough reading that i know. im not sure why i posted it... i guess its just something i figured id put up here for everyone to maybe understand me better. i threw out a lot of stuff like that. she had written me off and on alot like that. most of what i said was equally nasty in places. but that was the woman i loved at the time. and i still dont get it. i guess i dont understand how you spend all your time, and you do everything right, and you get bit in the ass like that. she had been hospitalized for something or other, and really wasnt doing too well... as soon as i found out where she was, i skipped my classes, hitched a ride home with some guy i dont know, just to make it back to see her. when i got to the hospital she was gone. she wasnt at home or at her dorm. she wasnt dead either. appearantly she got released, although i disagree with the doctor who signed it... so she gets heavily sedated and medicated, and goes home to drink and party in time for homecomming. i felt pretty used. id come all that way just to see her, and i find out that shes out drinking and partying, and ends up going into convulsions and vommitting, passing out and having random men strip her and put her in bed [atleast thats how she woke up]. i didnt know what else to do. so i left the present i bought for her at school. it was a big stuffed gorilla, because i knew she liked monkeys alot. and thats the letter i got back from her for it. no mention of me doing the right thing, or being thanked for it. no mention of gee that was sweet of you, but wrong. just, my new boyfriend is better than you ever were. she and i actually talked after this... months later. still didnt get any appology for it. she just glossed past it like nothing happened.

and this was only one episode of many, many between us. and she was the one i really thought was it. i could see myself with her forever. and instead, i wind up thinking about it forever. i never truely understood what went wrong. i tried to do everything right. so i guess i should feel so bad when i look around, and try to do what i do, and i get struck down. because i can remember a time when; even when i did everything right... i still got fucked. and that haunts me. i cant always remember the words, but i can remember her voice. i can remember being told things. i can remember good times and bad. i can remember feeling so low, after something like this, that i didnt even know how to feel. and i can remember making her so happy at times shed choke back tears. not that i made her happy very often it would seem. no, what i did learn from these memories is exactly what she told me... that id never be better than the replacement, and im probably nothing anyone would ever want in their life. thats something that sticks with you. thats something that hangs in your head in the dark, and keeps you from sleeping. alot of times you let it roll off your back. but some nights, it keeps you from sleeping agian.

s.

Current Musical Selection: Zakk Wylde - Spoke In The Wheel

"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "

weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.

i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.

i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.

if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"

i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.

" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "

other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.

ain't it fun~
s.