Current Musical Selection - Kenny Wayne Shepard Band - Was

this one of those times when im not real sure why im writing. i just made an entry the other day... and honestly i dont have anything really new to add.. but i found myself typing here.... figured id may as well make the most of it. speaking of doing odd things on auto pilot: lately theres been alot of talk about ex's and past relationships and breakups going around... well tonight i found myself [again] using google for a legitmate search, and saw me type in my ex's name... i guess its not the point that i didnt find anything [other than where shes at now, and what her email address is....] but... its just something i guess i dont know if i like about myself. today i had an IM convo with someone who really seems to be going through the post-breakup feelings now, and i tried to talk, from experience, that i knew what that was like... that i was past that breakup part, but here i am, looking up her fucking name on google search. i dont like me doing that. frankly it scares me. i was one of those people who, yes admitedly, had a very hard time getting over her... shit i still carried her picture in my wallet almost 2 years afterwards; fuck ive still got a picture of us on my wall... but all in all i thought iw as over her... and times like this, when i find myself doing something stupid like that, i really wonder about me. i wonder how much sanity i have, and why i appearantly give myself too much credit sometimes. its important to say, i WANT to be over her. where am i really at on that scale? i dunno, id like to think miles past the marker..but days like today make me think i fall into a regression pretty easily. how cured can you be, if you slip in to remission that easily... a few words with someone else earlier in the day takes you right back to where you were... its bullshit. i shouldnt do it, and it shouldnt bother me... but i did, and it does. and now its really occupying alot more of my time than say... latin, or stats... just from that one unconscious act, ive now violated part of the terms of the breakup... i found her new email and postal address. when she left, that stuff was explicitly not given to me. maybe she can lie to herself and just say she didnt have the time to give it to me; or maybe it just slipped her mind-- but it was a definite act... and it was very fitting of our relationship. i dont want to know.. i didnt want to know it. i wanted to live my life and move the fuck on. but now i know it. knowing me, ill send her something now. ill be drunk, or stupid, and just send her something... and i shouldnt. i dont want to, but somewhere deep inside me i guess i still do.. and thats wrong. i scare me sometimes. i want to be to the point in my life where i dont ever have to sit and think about her again. and i guess im not there yet. now i kinda question if ill ever get there... i used to think i was there... now im not so sure where i am. i liked it when i knew; i liked it when i felt in control of myself. i liked myself better then. its kinda hard finding yourself doing stuff like that at 3 am, and lie-ing to yourself that you are in control. bullshit. appearantly she still is, whether she knows it or not. so to you [you know who you are] thats why i didnt have much to say... i guess im not a good model of getting over people. actually im doing a pretty poor job of it still, maybe you can do better than me.

questions, comments, snide remarks ? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

ain't it fun~
s.