Current Musical Selection: -none-

i really need to stop doing this... lately ive been eratic as all shit. some nights i sleep, some i dont. some days i sleep, some i dont. lately my whole world just seems to be spining slightly out of balance... kinda like the washing machine when you put lots of towels and jeans on one side... im not quite sure why either. i havent done anything new or different or had any of those 'life changing experiences' the magazines and telepreachers talk about... no major life pyscho-stressors either as Freud would call them... nothing seems to be really out of the ordinary. just plain, same old, nothing.

again its frustrating; because id like to have a reason to bitch and and be mad over... a good reason--something solid and definite, that i can rely on. "THIS FUCKED ME UP, AND IS STILL FUCKING WITH ME" something clear like that. but no. just nothing in my head more than the usual baggage i bring with. and i cant say that its even it this time. sure i get periodic spats of the past creeping back into my mind, but really not enough that would do anything to my sleep cycle like this. someone suggested maybe im bi-polar. boy thats fun. i doubt it. according to the DSM-IV i dont really have anything else that would clinically diagnose me with it. shit, im probably much closer to the defintion of schizophrenia than that. besides, bi-polarism tends to come in seasons, and this is one of my favorite seasons. doesnt make much sense.

i suppose i could just admit the obvious and just fess up that its life and my complications against my life that probably lead me where i am at 4 in the morning. maybe its man-ly not to do that. eitherway, id im sure my expression of anomie is probably somewhat to blame. all the studying and reading ive done with my life on the topic would be ironically fitting to see me come down under the paws of something like it. i wouldnt at all be surprised if someone sat down and studied my life, that they would find a great that great distance between my intentions with life, and where ive been dropped in the mean time. its probably not that either. but...

i had a really, really bad dream last night. and normally im not one to remember my dreams when i wake up. this one was different. this one has stuck with me since about 4am last night when it work me up... honestly i havent been able to sleep since [even stayed away from caffine today]. its pretty much me dead. hope you werent expecting anything cheerful. i dont really know what to make of it all... but this is how it all went. some of it is fuzzy, but it was so vivid and real to me. i can remember at the begining of it, looking down at my lap and seeing my hands-- and they dont look like my hands. but they are. it takes me a minute, just watching my hands move around, and turning over before i can even recognize them. nothing else is me tho. the pants and jacket arent mine. the shoes could be mine, but arent. the watch isnt mine. i dont smell like me. i feel my face and my beard is gone, i feel my head, and my hair is short. and im wearing glasses... i dont wear glasses. but i didnt notice that i was wearing any either... not until i felt them. its about then, that i remember wanting to scream or say something; when i realize im in a room full of people. people in chairs, people sitting next to me, infront of me, all around me. its not till then that i can hear the whispered conversations, some one sobbing softly behind me... someone laughing to my right. then i hear the organ music. its not real. its one of those crappy electric ones... i can tell by hearing it. its somewhere infront, but i cant see it. i cant see much of anything really. too many people. i remember looking around me, scanning for information... looking at all these faces.. mostly solemn... some just expressionless. and i dont recognize them. some of them i do. i recognize a kid from my freshman year. but maybe its not. he looks older. lots of people i see do. theres a teacher i had in high school.. he looks really old. theres that girl i used to have a crush on in jr. high. she looks different. all this looking; and i feel like im obvious in doing it--- but no one notices me. no one seems to catch my eyes. i look at them, but no one looks back at me. its eerie. so is the music. it seems familiar. the smell is bad in here too. smells like crappy air freshener.... like flowers.... it smells like funeral parlor or incense. i turn around in my seat, and i can see theres alot more rows... all pews.. im in a church i guess. big vaulted ceiling. lights and stained glass on the walls. its no church ive ever been in tho. i look back, and still no one looks at me. some old women is sitting behind me, dabbing her eyes with a frilly handkerchief. but i dont know her. or the kid sitting next to her. kinda reminds me of me. orange hair going every which way. bad looking brown suit, with tennis shoes siticking out. but i dont know him either. its surreal. then i notice the music again. this time i can place it. the last few bars are unmistakeable. they are playing some ' Zeppelin. its a bad organ rendition of Stairway to Heaven. im trying to settle back in to my seat, facing forward again, when i see the casket. im only about 3 rows back from the front, but id never noticed it. its brown. woodgrain. brass hardware on it. darkwood. maple or cherry maybe. cant tell from here. i guess its a funeral. the casket is open, but i cant see it well. cant see the face. its a white person, in a dark suit. light grey lining in open part. still i dont get it. theres not pictures of the deceased anywhere up front. few flowers. doesnt make sense. i can remember just sitting there. all these people around me, and there must be 200 if theres any; but theres no pictures or flowers. and i just wonder who the hell is this person that all these people come to their funeral, but no one cares enough to send flowers. my head hurts. i touch my face, it feels familiar, but its not. its like touching someone elses face with your hand... but my face feels like its being touched, but by someone elses hand... the two feelings just arent coinciding. i put my hand down in time to see my parents walk past me in the aisle. mom and dad. mom doesnt look too good. shes been crying alot. dad has too. but neither of them look really sad per say. dad helps mom sit down. then i see my brother and sister come in from a side door. megan doesnt seem bothered at all by this, and sam just looks frustrated. they look older. maybe 10 years... but not quite. dads bald spot is bigger, that i can see now that hes sitting down. but nothing else looks out of place. i kinda wonder why they didnt see me. just a sinking feeling of something not feeling right. i stand up and push my way over the guy sitting next to me. he nods as i grunt and move past. i recognize him. i know him from school, hes an administrator i deal with. but he doesnt recognize me, or look twice, so i keep moving. i get out into the aisle and look around. there are lots of people, and more comming in. and usher moves past me with some flowers. i recognize him. hes one of my best friends. i say something to him and he turns around. yeah its him. but he doesnt react. its like im some stranger. thats when i started sweating. i try to talk to him... but all i can come up with is something about directions to the restroom. he points with his head to the back of the church. i say something to him... thankyou or something... and as i turn i glance at the flowers. they are black. the tag is open. i can read the name signed on the bottom. why would she send flowers here? who the hell died??? its my ex-girlfriend's name [the one ive written about before in here]. i breathe deep and move out quickly. my heads moving fast, and my feet are slow. i pass rows and rows of people and i see them all, and i see none of them. some i know. some are kids from class, theres a friend from soc. theres that kid that works the desk. thats my TA from latin. thats a guy i used to sit next to in lecture. some people are family friends too. theres our neighbors from 10 years ago. theres some people from my parents church. i dont care tho. this doesnt seem right. i want out. i get most of the way to the back when my aunt mary-ann passes me with dave. they are walking up to the front. but neither seems to notice me. too many people here. its too wrong to be anything else than what im thinking it is.. i just want out of here. i get to the doors, and the guys there look at me; one hands me a bulletin. "In memoriam..." then a picture of my face. it doesnt look like me. but it is me. im older. my hair is short. im wearing a suit. no beard. i look thinner. but its me. my name is at the bottom. i feel like throwing up. cold sweat it just running down my neck. one of the ushers asks me if im allright... i dont say anything. he hands me a cigarette. i look at him. its another of my good friends from back home. only, he doesnt seem to recognize me. i take it. its menthol. i hate menthol. i tell him that. he laughs. he says, "yeah, scotty used to call these things pine trees" then he looks away. i force myself to laugh. its hard. i try to make small talk. the weathers nice... warm, but cloudy and dark. he says nothing. just nods. i turn away. i dont know what to say to him. im just thinking to myself what the fuck do you tell your best friend at your funeral? then i blurt it out. "did you see _ _ _ _ sent flowers?" he chokes on the drag hes taking. he closes his eyes "naw, i didnt... i didnt see that.. wow." i dont know what to say next. but it happens, like im not in control of it.. "think hed have liked that?" he stops, and looks into the church, then he answers me "i dunno man. he probably would. hed probably like it better if he didnt have to die to hear from her though" we both laugh uncomfortably. the cigarette helped. im calm.. but cold from the sweat. my hands are shaking. i call to him by the nickname i gave him. he turns and looks at me; like hes expecting to hear it from someone else... then he stares at me. i thank him for the smoke and i go inside. now im mad. im dead. my friends are here. no one knows me. people i dont speak to anymore, send me flowers, what the fuck happened to me? im walking fast and heavy up to the front. its just building in me. i can see people look at me. thats a kid from high school. thats a girl i worked with. over there is a guy that lives nextdoor. in the corner is a girl i dated once. they all look up at me as i go past, but nothing real. just a glance. long enough for me to see them. im walking faster, now i can hear my feet hitting the stone floor. i can feel the blood pounding in my head, but i dont stop. theres my shop teacher. thats a kid from my ball team theres two girls that live downstairs crying. my hands are clenching, and i wipe the sweat from my head. the veins are pounding in my head. my footsteps are loud now. theres two friends. theres a kid i picked on in grade school. thats my cub scout leader. thats my minister. hes standing up front by the casket. he looks at me. but i dont stop walking. i walk faster. im almost running. my head hurts, my muscles ache, im wringing my hands into fists. my footsteps are echoing. im squinting from the headache. theres a girl i kissed 2 summers ago. theres a couple friends from band. thats my boss and his girlfriend. thats some other admins from the university. thats my ra freshman year. i get to the front of the room. the music starts again. its canned music. at least that shitty organ is done with. its another bad rendition. its the Doors. its The End. there are some flowers up front now that im here. small ones, with tags. red mainly. some white. only one set thats black. they sit under the casket. i look left. theres my parents in the front. the rest of my family going off to the left of them. but right on the aisle-- right next to me--- the closest seat to the casket; its empty. its that grieving widow seat. and those fuckers left it empty. who the fuck are they fucking with? me. on my fucking funeral. and this is how they treat me? they fucking shove it right in my face. if that poor corpse would look out of the casket, the last thing hed see is he never had anyone, he fucking died alone. stupid. remind them all of that why dont you? remind them all he never amounted to shit. remind them how bad he wanted it, and how he never got it. on his fucking last day you do it to him. fucking assholes. no respect. no respect for this guy. and i dont know why im so mad. im not even thinking its me in there. im just thinking what nerve. what balls thats got to take to do that to someone. making this persons friends and family see that. make them see hes not leaving shit behind in the world. make them remember that the day they bury him. make them remember what he could never do. make them remember how no one cared. i look to my right; for something to hit. theres nothing. just another pew full of people. i know them all too. there all my friends.. the ushers. they are wearing black gloves now. sunglasses tucked into their jackets or pockets. they are my pallbearers. they look over at me. but not out of respect. but out of detest. like one of those 'who the fuck do you think you are?' stares. two of them are laughing on the end. "scott would hate this... hed be pissed if they played a shitty version of this song... hed prolly unplug it when no ones looking, right?" they laugh. "yeah, hed want to hear something good and loud man... hed want some 'Stones or GnR" they laugh again..its a forced laugh. but not that its not funny, or that its not true. just that it looks like its hard for them to laugh now. im tired of it now. i stride up to the casket. the hands are folded. they arent mine... those could be anyones hands. but they are mine. i see the jacket. ha! i dont have a suit like that, id never wear something like that... but its got my lapel pin on it. look at that tie; id never wear a tie like... no. thats my tie. i see the face. its cold looking. pale. flushed out.. its got some makeup on it. they do that to corpses... make it look like they are alive. but its not my hair cut. it doesnt look like my face. its not me. but it is. its all me. im older than i thought. maybe 30. 35 possibly. some wrinkles i dont have now. lots of gray in my hair. hairline is receeded. ive got glasses on. but thats me. god dammit thats me! now im mad. im looking at me. im looking at a dead me. its not me. i dont even recognize me. and how can i be looking at me? im starting to loose it. my head is reeling.. its tough to focus on things, i feel like im going to puke. i turn around so fast i almost fall down. i put my hand on the casket to steady my self. and everyone is looking at me. the music changes. its something i dont know.. something classical with strings. i dont know it. fuckit i dont want to hear it. but everyone is still looking at me. i see more people now, some standing in the back. ra's i know, a teacher or two, another kid from high school. id swear thats a stipper i met once years ago. thats some lawyer i know. thats a cop. but im not seeing who im looking for. you arent around. i see that empty chair again as i squint... my head hurts im getting dizzy... then i just feel my feet slide out, and i fall down. im on laying in a pile under my casket and i ram my head into something. i can feel the blood oozing out of my forehead now. it hurts, im dizzy, its wet, but warm... i try to sit up and squint.. everyones looking at me... im on my side and i look over... and i see the black flowers inches from my face... i see the dirt that spilled out of the broken flower pot. and now i see the bright red blood on the black petals. the room is all dark. and thats when i woke up. thats all i remember.

i guess its been a few days... it seems longer than it probably has been for me. lots of times i really wish i could sit and write, rather than go back to the drudgery of life. atleast when im here, and doing this, i dont get phone calls or faxes or shit like that... its just me and my electric paper. funny how that works. id like to think that everything i plunk down that you are about to read is real. its really not. thats the only real property it has. its just electrons that are trapped in silicon, that trigger electromagnetic responses of red and green and blue light; thats really an optical illusion... that becomes the reality. none of this is real. and yet it all is real. nothing here really exists in this space.. its just all shit designed around fooling your brain in to seeing something thats here, but its really not... and all that really is here i guess is whatever we want to be here right? i could make this a picture of a flower pot.. and who the hell cares, its not really here right?

but instead i toss out my sentiment, my feeling and, for better or worse, it happens to pour out as black dots on white dots... all meaningless mindless banter that prolly doesnt amount to jack shit. but here we are... staring at it. hell some of you actually read this... some of you actually read INTO this.... simply amazing. nothings real. nothing is right, nothing is wrong. nothing is. yet, right here, right now, this... this is real? this is real enough to you and me, isn't it? even though theres really nothing here. nothing at all but a bunch of feelings and musings by some guy, that some how end up as dots on a piece of glass. and the only thing thats real about it is thats all the reality is.

reality is what we make it to be. reality is, what is real to us. only in the truest sense is something real, can it become reality. why do i care? why are you reading this? do you care? probably not. is that real? probably. whats the reality of it? i dont get it. reality is what we make it to be. so what ever we want we either make real, or we have to some how let exist before hand.... begging some circular approach to making anything real, in a very obscenely sense of subjectivity. somethings in life we can count as false and not real. my hand is not green. i do not have wings. i am not dead. more or less these are verifiable instances of truth or falsity; but does that make them real? arent they real enough possibilities if we have to construct a way to verify that 'yes this is real, or no this is not real?' so being real only is a property of acceptance again. what we accept as real is real. we isnt real, we accept as unreal. so that makes reality a sense of all things real? maybe.

your probably asking yourself, why is this nut job talking about some epistemic and metaepistemical concepts that belong in a theater class or a philosophy discussion. meh. if reality is only what we make it, how do we judge if reality is ground-able or can come to pass? how can we tell someone " get real man " or, "shit man, start living in reality" its a term that, by nature, lets a subjective selection of values to become real.... as per the definition of the user. {{{{ scratch your head some more. }}}}

reality isnt fair to me. reality suggests that all things real become my universe. reality isnt allways happy, it isnt allways sad; reality is just real. its not projected, its not expected and its probably not subjective. its real. its true or false, its verifiable or it isnt. so then why is it my life... my reality... doesnt seem to include things that are supposed to be real. like this conversation. like we said; none of this is real. its all fake... and we can sit and argure and verify that this monitor is indeed outputting black dots on white dots; but its all just dots. its not words, its not emotion, its not sensitivity, and its not truth or intruth. its fucking dots. in reality, were all sitting back and making sense out of black dots that dont exist. turn off your monitor... see, they dissappear... they werent there, they arent there.. that is reality. something that can come and go, and be there and then dissappear. thats reality.

so none of this makes sense when you tell yourself about reality. ive told myself before that, ive got to make a real conceited effort to achieve something. my only real shot at anything is probably not real. if it were real, it wouldnt be a shot.. it would be. it would be a part of reality. this big construct of all things that are real. but its not. what you want is not. who you want is not. none of it is a part of your reality. yet its all very real. you find yourself thinking about it at 3 am like this... you really want it. but in reality your not going to get it. turn off your thoughts. kill your desires. nothing is real. nothing but reality is real. and reality is nothing more than real things.

you tell yourself at night, when you cant sleep that, what you may feel is real. your feelings are strong, its a solid conviction of emotion of love or lust or respect or all the above. but its not real. theres nothing there. prove the reality. find those black dots on white dots.. they arent there. your feelings arent in the realm of reality. but are they no less real? dont they keep you up at night... dont they drive you to say things? dont they make you what you are? and how is that not real? how is it that youve got a real reaction to something, and it doesnt become a part of reality? it doesnt tho. its not real to them. its not real to you. if it was, then what? what if i told you it IS real. it IS there... verifiable and true... would you make it a part of your reality? not if its not real to you. not if those feelings are meeting up in your eyes as a real concern. as a real example of sentiment. as a real possibility. and until then, it just cant become reality. ask yourself that.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: the Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps

" I look at you all || See the love there that's sleeping || While my guitar gently weeps || I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping || Still my guitar gently weeps "

not sure why im typing tonight... ive used that excuse before, but im using it again i guess. i sat and re-read part of my last entry, and saw how some of you couldnt understand what i was getting at, with grammatical errors and length aside. it was a little unclear. not much i can say really. i didnt want to put things out too explicitly... so far one person has picked up on what i said. im sure the rest of you will; if not, when all this has come and gone, maybe ill lay it out in exacting words. for now, i guess its just not important enough for you all to know... its just something ill keep to myself. its something that i know ill always beat myself up for, but i wont say it. it is something i just have to keep to myself this time. really that was the point of the whole entry. something on those external reasons why youd keep something to yourself... something you may most desparately want to share with someone else, but you know you cant. thats kinda where i was. maybe its where i still am. but more importantly, it doesnt matter anymore. eh, let me rephrase that... at this point in time, it doesnt matter... maybe i should follow your suggestions and stop nixing my own ideas before they emerge; but i think i wont. i think i cant say what i want to, because i genuinely know better than to do that. i really think that by saying what id like to say would make everything so much harder on me, that its better that i dont. sorry people, thats all im going to say about it.

yesterday i had an intersting conversation with someone at the desk. it was one of those stories from people that make you almost feel guilty for what you have. it was alot about parental mistreatment, and growing up in a really, really bad family position. something i do actually think no child should ever have to go through. as it all progressed, it came out that im appearantly the only person in the room with 'normal' parents. after hearing some of the stories from people, it does almost make me feel guilty for having them. and thats not right... no one in the room said i should be, and no one should ever feel guilty to have parents that are still married, still happy together, and that still love their children; absent all domestic disturbances, addictions and pyscho stresser disorders in existence. 2 normal, sane, parents. it made me wonder how it all balances out in the end. how much like their parents will kids become, and how much like them will they not? it seems every other child of similar 'normal' parents like me, is drifting farther from the image of their parents... yet the kids from fucked up families... yeah i dont know what expect from them. dont think im getting bleeding heart syndrome here... just that i guess ive always taken for granted maybe how fortunate my upbringing was in comparision to others, and maybe im surprised at how well some kids adjust after theirs.

not feeling too well... i guess ill just leave it at that, and go pass out... ill finish it off with more things tomorrow i hope.

" I don't know why nobody told you || How to unfold your love || I don't know how someone controlled you || They bought and sold you || I look at the world and I notice it's turning || While my guitar gently weeps || With every mistake we must surely be learning || Still my guitar gently weeps "


ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: the Doors - the End

couple of you have again made comments about what i post... this time ranging from 'isnt that kind of sad' to 'do you need couciling' to my favorite one; "are you happy with yourself, or do you try to be depressing?"---- no, i dont have to try people! again, not that any of you are appearantly worried, or expressed any true genuine concern, past the point of stating your opinion; but no i am fine. like everyone i go through my highs and my lows, my rapid fire and my lulls. i guess the other night i just feel like expressing what i thought at the moment... didnt care to type a story or an example, just thought that whatever i was going to put down, would cover my mood.

but life is like that isnt it? really life is nothing more than a build up to something, then it just takes it away from you; like a punch in the solar plexus; all the wind leaves you just as easily as it came in, just usually with less grace. life really hasnt been much of anything to me lately; really it has been a series of highs, that really never get to keep going up... if im lucky, they plateau out then slowly decline. more often, they just collapse unexpectedly. like a weary prize fighter, i may get knocked to my knees, but i hope that each time i do so, i still have the will stand, and keep on; rather than having the fight stopped. but you can never be too certain with life. nothing ever is.

theres alot of things in life that take effort to do. i guess, the only time when you notice the exertion, is when your either A- slowing down from the strain, or B- nearing your goal... i cant say i was really in solid standing with either, and maybe it was a half assed attempt at both... but i think i was getting there.... and, with lifes uncertainty factor, just as it is, you hit a setback. setback is the positive word... atleast setback implies that your going to move on; that its possible to move on... blockade is what i prefer; its slightly more negative, but closer to reality. the events would cause udue hardship or duress to overcome, but its in the realm of possibilities to do... its just a rather difficult task, that should prove an effective stoppage to whatever your trying to do. maybe thats what i hit... its not easy to tell these days. like running over something with the lawnmower, you really can only tell what it is once you move past it, then stop and think about what it could have been. its not like its a stump or a curb or something youd know right away... no, youve lodged that blade deep inside of some critter or shit pile several times; and now by god, your going to get to see it was.... just spread out over the lawn.

but life often turns out that way doesnt it? a wonderful lawn mosaic, right out in the open for your neighbors to see... honest to god, they enjoy it; just as much as you enjoyed chipping that golf ball through their back window and blaming the neighborhood kids for it. people seem to be that way. its not a matter of it being anyone elses business what happens; just so long as they get to see it all. that tends to make alot more complications on life than should be necessary; just the idea that your going to be playing with an audience.

and i suppose if your going to accept that life is always going make you put on a show, that others will always watch; then you may as well just figure on it being a show. whats the most important aspect of any performance? - timing. without the correct timing, nothing can be pulled off... so whenever you may actually strike up the nerve to do something in life; be prepared to understand that, if its not timed right; youve wasted your time. besides, now youve screwed up, and youve put it on display, and now you did it at an inopportune time... what could be worse? im not sure. but thats life. thats how the saying goes.

so who the hell really cares? good point. i guess im talking circles around something. more importantly im making myself stay away from it; and why is that? well if you read any of the above, youd be clued in... id rather not make a fool of myself, for something ive worked too hard at to ruin, to get put around in the gossip circles, when this is all obviously the wrong time to do. besides, im probably wrong anyway. and nothing could really be worse than that... walking into something with strong convictions about what your about to do; then end up the laughing stock of everyone in attendence. its happened before, but i dont want it to happen again.

you can sit and ask yourself alot of questions, and never come across any answers for it; and thats frustrating. but its not as frustrating as never being able to come up with the right answer. and who knows what the right answer is; maybe i would have been right, maybe id be wrong to say it... hell maybe saying nothing at all, and just keeping it all to myself is the right action. like i said, life can be funny that way sometimes. life can just be a series of setbacks, that really dont seem to lead you anywhere but to more setbacks. no compromises, no learning curves, no guidance, no advancement, just stopped cold in your tracks one more time. getting that cold feeling of uselessness again, one more time. knowing that what you think, and what you want to tell someone should better not come out; and one more time your at it again.

when you sit back and think of it all; really where has life lead you to by now? with my life, im no closer to what i want, or really where i want to be than i was 5 years ago. if i sit and look at my goals; day by day, it looks more and more grim. sometime ago, i had to sit and level with myself that some of those goals are too lofty, too ambitious, too unattainable for me to try for. you never want to make that choice for yourself. you never want to sit and tell yourself to permanently cross something off the list. but you do. kinda like when you really want to fess up to something; and you know you cant... you know that by saying what you know, your only going to make things worse. so you stuff it back down again. if it pops up, you push it down harder. eventually you learn to swallow your pride on a lot of issues; even the things you shouldnt. some things in life you should just put out there; let everyone know it, just say it all and be done with it. but. you cant do that. this is one time. just one more time, when i realize i cant say it.

you learn that lesson slowly. you learn it by doing it. the first time you hit this juncture, you go for it; you play the gut reaction and you run right up the middle with it. and you watch yourself get hit so hard, that your heels are the last thing to hit the earth. the next time your more cautious with the play, and you go around the end... no matter. youll get tripped up and pulled back. and maybe even after a few times, you get gutsy, you pysche yourself into it, and you say fuckit, cut away the dead skin, and make a dash for it. then you get cut down. its a self taught lesson mainly. you say what you need to, you get hit for it, you learn not to say it. and hear i am. several dozen trials removed from the first time; and maybe ive learned my lesson, because i havent said anything.

even when you know you want to say it; your dying to say it; you think the walls just ooze what your will... you dont do it. you catch yourself, and you just flog the living fuck out of your mind for it. your soul says "what the hell man" and your mind goes "im not going back in there" you can sit and fight yourself on it all day; i sure have. but by then, youve lost all sense of timing. although your emotion and vigor maybe right and strong; your too far behind the front to make any difference now. now, everything has moved along and your chance is gone again. and you could just get angry about it, and slam your head into a wall, or cry over it; but it doesnt mean a thing. its over, its gone, its done now.

so its done? so thats supposed to mean its over, but its not. see, youve still got your feelings and now youve just got your tail between your legs. no closer to where you may want to be; let alone from where your feeling might want to take you. even if your gut and your head disagree; youd still be moving if you just did it. but you know better. no one takes a big long-haired circus freak seriously. god knows someone like that couldnt have a genuine feeling about someone. no, we just want those kind of people to shut up; and move away. so maybe thats why i did it. maybe its not even the pain it would cause me to know that what id say wouldnt be taken in; but to know that just avoiding that situation is what the other person wants. ive see that too. ive see the letters and heard the words that tell you, You, are the root of their suffering. whatever it is, you did it. whatever complications you put on their life, you did it. whatever feeling you put into it, you did it against their will. and whatever intentions you may have had, its not theirs. it just isnt.

so no matter what i guess i do; i know its not going to come out right in the end. i know that my feelings can be so strong that it makes other people recognize them; but if its not what you want, then i guess im asking to much. fuck, timing issues aside, i could open my mouth and drop the words on you in a second.... but the response will be the same.

"i never knew you felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"

no more magic ideas, no more happiness, no more of that fucking fairytale bullshit. its you, and its the cold hard truth kickin your teeth to the back off your skull, and what are you going to do? you can protest, you can fidget, you can scream, or you can take it like a man. but you knew the answer before you asked the question. maybe thats why i didnt do it this time. maybe the answer was different; but ive only learned the answer to be wrong. and its got to be wrong-- its got to be that its them... they dont get it, they dont understand, they are missing out on you... not the other way around. but thats how you end up. you missing out on them. each time. every time. you end up missing out again.

in life, you always want whats best for you. maybe this time, its whats best for them. i know i could make a difference, i know i would love and appreciate them. but would they? are they ready for that? no. are you ever going to be? probably not. theres so many choices out there in the world, that its pretty self-righteous to assert that you, proper, are the be all end all solution for them. quit lying to yourself if you think otherwise. your a dirtbag. your the pile of shit on someones doorstep that ruins their day. and thats how people see you. stop asking yourself about it. start listening to the responses you get. maybe thats what i learned the most about. maybe i just learned to know im not going to be the pick for Someone, and maybe not for anyone. why complicate things? why bother to say the things you want to say? none of its what they want to hear. why put your feelings up on the block? we all know fat circus freaks cant have feelings. besides if they did, we know they cant be for you; thats just not right; because you wouldnt want it that way. fuck em. let them be someone elses problem. i want mr. j-crew; not that piece of trash thats standing infront of me. besides, who the hell do they think they are? god damn ghandi? just tell them in a way that makes me sound blameless, just tell them;

"i never knew ou felt that way... im sorry, but i dont"

spare me this time. i held it all in because of you. for once i learned my lesson. dont say it. dont ask it--dont think it--dont want it--dont try for it---dont believe it... just dont. when you get back into your corner; you can just tell yourself that the timing wasnt quite right... or you couldnt do it with people around, or it just wasnt meant to be. tell yourself something. tell me something. give a reason for once to yourself that says you did the right thing. they wont ever know it; but then again, they wouldnt want to. they wouldnt want you.



ain't it fun~
s.

without the useless world; id be left all alone
no right no wrong, no reason, just something all my own

without the night the days are bright
im fortunate for rain, especially tonight
as the church strikes 9, i feel no sorrow
yesterday was, and now it is tomorrow

in the pale moon light the truth was once shown
its in this cold autumn air, that i now walk alone

the thoughts of you still linger, im sure they always will
some days are difficult now, but weakly my heart beats still
ive forgotten now all those times, memories of you i kill

takes your memories and let them crumble away to dust
with you i was something, without you i still lust

cut off that part of me, just let 'me' fade away
i want it all back, but be things as they may
now i walk the path alone, by myself, alone today

let this ruse, this cruel trick; flee now from my mind
heartbreak and discontent, the things you left behind

on these cold days of yesterday, i still think of you;
- the leaf-laden grass is cold and fresh with evening dew;
the talks we had; the lies you said, they still arent true;
- ive let it all go, just an empty husk now, all because of you

once i asked myself, "is this worth what youve done to me?"
but no one would answer me; "just move on and let things be"

and in the end; i will be alone, no one will dispute me that
but in those years of solitude death creeps up my lonely path

all those days, those feelings and those tears
they all elude me now, moving through the years
slowly the fog will rise, i bet it never clears
when i see the end, its worse than all my fears

its nothing more than an empty street
with me bleeding, lying at your feet

-----------------
ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection - Kenny Wayne Shepard Band - Was

this one of those times when im not real sure why im writing. i just made an entry the other day... and honestly i dont have anything really new to add.. but i found myself typing here.... figured id may as well make the most of it. speaking of doing odd things on auto pilot: lately theres been alot of talk about ex's and past relationships and breakups going around... well tonight i found myself [again] using google for a legitmate search, and saw me type in my ex's name... i guess its not the point that i didnt find anything [other than where shes at now, and what her email address is....] but... its just something i guess i dont know if i like about myself. today i had an IM convo with someone who really seems to be going through the post-breakup feelings now, and i tried to talk, from experience, that i knew what that was like... that i was past that breakup part, but here i am, looking up her fucking name on google search. i dont like me doing that. frankly it scares me. i was one of those people who, yes admitedly, had a very hard time getting over her... shit i still carried her picture in my wallet almost 2 years afterwards; fuck ive still got a picture of us on my wall... but all in all i thought iw as over her... and times like this, when i find myself doing something stupid like that, i really wonder about me. i wonder how much sanity i have, and why i appearantly give myself too much credit sometimes. its important to say, i WANT to be over her. where am i really at on that scale? i dunno, id like to think miles past the marker..but days like today make me think i fall into a regression pretty easily. how cured can you be, if you slip in to remission that easily... a few words with someone else earlier in the day takes you right back to where you were... its bullshit. i shouldnt do it, and it shouldnt bother me... but i did, and it does. and now its really occupying alot more of my time than say... latin, or stats... just from that one unconscious act, ive now violated part of the terms of the breakup... i found her new email and postal address. when she left, that stuff was explicitly not given to me. maybe she can lie to herself and just say she didnt have the time to give it to me; or maybe it just slipped her mind-- but it was a definite act... and it was very fitting of our relationship. i dont want to know.. i didnt want to know it. i wanted to live my life and move the fuck on. but now i know it. knowing me, ill send her something now. ill be drunk, or stupid, and just send her something... and i shouldnt. i dont want to, but somewhere deep inside me i guess i still do.. and thats wrong. i scare me sometimes. i want to be to the point in my life where i dont ever have to sit and think about her again. and i guess im not there yet. now i kinda question if ill ever get there... i used to think i was there... now im not so sure where i am. i liked it when i knew; i liked it when i felt in control of myself. i liked myself better then. its kinda hard finding yourself doing stuff like that at 3 am, and lie-ing to yourself that you are in control. bullshit. appearantly she still is, whether she knows it or not. so to you [you know who you are] thats why i didnt have much to say... i guess im not a good model of getting over people. actually im doing a pretty poor job of it still, maybe you can do better than me.

questions, comments, snide remarks ? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Double Talkin Jive

::::: found a head and an arm in a garbage can.. dont know why im here... livin on the run for oh so long; i gotta go collect... double talkin jive, get the money mutherfucker, cuz ive got no more paitence... double talkin LIES, and ive got no more paitence... man... are diggin... what im sayin to you? home-fucker! :::::

started playing this one and typin it out in a lyric war with someone on IM tonight... couldnt get it out of my head for a bit.. so here it is... once again, one more top notch anthem for GnR that never made the airwaves. Jive was never released as a single, and not as a B side either, i dont think.. but Double Talkin Jive is one of the fan favorites to hear live, usually for the soloing and interp that comes with the end of the song... lotta times it allows duff'er and slash to keep on playing and tagging back and forth in several musical styles... most noteably spanish flamenco... cool stuff.. its one of those songs that i crank to 10 and scream with. allways great to hear after a long day of getting screwed.... ofcourse, its off Illusions - 1, track 10 iirc... good shhhtuff
----

oh man.. today was wonderful. ultra crapfuckingtastic stats... [read: lab day in stats], it just means Wieting doesnt like my project, or my data, i probably did it wrong... and i dont care!. also had some shitass excuse for a review sheet for the midterm.. yeah, i guess math class now has ESSAY questions... whut the fuck people? who the hell ok's this shit with the University academic standards comittees? besides the point, the review sheet [one side of one page] only covers the essay topics... were 'on your own to cover all the material from lecture, lab and resource projects' fuck that. i hate school.

ordered new business cards yesterday... hope to get them in a week or so... yes, for those of you that are curious, i did get business only ones... im still thinking about making out some personal contact cards as well... something that i can hand out my screen name and home address and cell number on. honestly i dont trust most of the people i know with some of that info... but atleast i wouldnt have to sit and write it out all the time. cards should be nice... im tried of waiting on Res Services to do anything about my cards or University Print Office to do anything.... teeeechnically only org's and dept's can get cards made, and teeeeechnically they wont release me to get them made up on University cards with logos.... so that means i ended up going solo on it... yay for tax write offs !!! either way, i get more cards, cheaper, with what i want on them, sooner; than i would through the University... and still have no bullshit to wade through to get them done. hopefully they will be in by the time Macurh comes around... definietly could come in handy there.

Macurh is another issue alltogether. kudos go to the Failure for actually getting people interested in going... looks like a bunch of people [12 ish] are going now... plus some 'attractive ones' by his standards... yeah folks, we know what that means... im happy and sad about it really. i dont admit to it much, but i will miss being around the people that we took last year. if nothing else, for comedic effect, but for the most part they always kept it interesting... and thinking back on it, macurh last year was really the first time i got to know most of them.. before that, i was pretty much restricted to them staring at me, and looking at their watches during meetings. meh. i guess its all a state of change, isnt it? also somewhat apprehensive about the people we have going... all new people; mostly people who ive never met, and never seen at a meeting... which i guess is ok, its just something that makes me worry... maybe i shouldnt knock them; but maybe i should. these are the people who are supposed to be representing everything that is the University of Iowa in Residence Hall life... im going to place bets, alot of these kids have only lived here the 9 weeks... i know after my first 9 i wouldnt have made a good representative.... time will tell.

my life just doesnt seem to get much better these days.... things tend to stagnate out... then just sit there a while. lots of things seem to take more time then they need to.. like studying for a class; because that takes me away from sleeping, eating, hanging out with friends, talking to other friends online, studying for other classes, or even, god forbid, arh stuff. i guess i never wanted a simple kind of life. a life where i go to school, i have friends, maybe even get to have a girlfriend; and NOTHING ELSE... no hassles, no meetings, no newspaper articles and rebuttals, no hate mail, no pc bullshit, nothing. just what i want. i guess i cant have that. i guess thats too much for me to ask for. i never asked for this job, or what its brought me.... students wanted me, students elected me... i never even campaigned for it all... so i guess i really have nothing and no one to be mad at... just that i cant have the simple kind of life; that everyone else has; that id really like to have. things like that leave you hanging at about 2 in the morning... wondering what ensuing shit storm tomorrow will bring... its never calm... maybe lesser degrees of blizzard, but its allways going to be there. simple kind of life my ass...

i had a really long, and wonderful visit with someone tonight. i suppose you could arge i see them or talk to them alot, but i really dont think so... to me an IM here or there twice a week doesnt count... thats why tonight was really nice. plus they made some office hours go by really fast for me [not that i got any real work done tho], but ive learned from this job, that maybe its not allways about business.... maybe sometimes the most important part of your 9-5 work day, could just be sitting and listening to someone else. granted, it wasnt 9 to 5, and it really wasnt anything work-related about it... it just felt right tho. hopefully they feel better now, i guess i cant offer 'betterness' in a syringe, but i can always sit and listen and talk. talking is the best part of it all actually... when i get to talk to someone long enough, stuff allways comes out... its not like 'i actually was the second gunman on the grassy knoll' but its stuff that to me is important.. its stuff that i can make a better understanding with about someone else. i suppose i can also wrongly say they would also gain a better understanding of me... but thats not the case; and i guess in my life ive found it to be more of a rareity that someone actually does admit to wanting to talk with me. thats probably why im allways shocked that people do want to talk to me when i offer... im never good at dealing with relationships of any sort... be it sexual, friendship or something in between; i guess im just not cut out for it... me personally? i think i deal better with crisis... and i guess maybe thats why i allways seem to find the people that i do.. no wonder why im allways surrounded by nutcase women, its because i react to situations better than i premptively engage them. that why i like arguing, thats why i was good at debate, and maybe, just a little, thats why i like dealing with or seem to select all the girls with massive problems.... i suppose the other way to look at it, is thats all i can get... i suppose thats true too. id rather it just be the prior and not the latter. eitherway, nights like tonight make me happy, atleast to know that im one step closer to someone else in the world than i probably was yesterday; hopefully they feel the same way about it. besides, im allways amazed to hear people think. when i talk to people, i try to make them draw out conclusions, and make them think so i can hear it. i think tonight i actually can appreciate someone a little better than maybe i have now, just because of that. even though you know the reasons, you still might not end up at the same conclusion.. but once you hear the reasons and the logic.. you get a pretty good indication of where its going. and for whatever it may mean, i do appreciate this person, when appearantly alot of other people may not. although it can feel odd at times, and maybe youre never quite sure you should be telling people things... ill always be glad that you people can share those things with me. and for one person in particular tonight; i know you will figure it out some time... just look in places where you wouldnt, and you will find everything just may happen for a reason.

got some responses about the last posting... lots of you, it seems, didnt think i really got mail like that from girls. well, jokes over kids... I DO! like i said, thats not the only one from her, and shes by far not the only one to send me things like that... its a trend that i dont necessarily care for, but at the same time, dont have much ability to control. so alot of you that read this have problems with people or boys or girls in general; i guess read this knowing your not the only one. this person was someone i totally trusted, and really felt solid about. funnily enough, this partly came up in conversation tonight... more of the general sense of knowing right or wrong about someone when you like them... the only thing that i didnt get to say to someone tonight was; as much as i wanted everything to happen with her, all along i knew it was wrong. even though i found myself thinking marriage, everything that comes with serious relationship and all that shit... deep down inside, it never felt right. it never felt right when i talked to her, it never felt right when she called, it didnt even feel right touching her... i was so caught up in the dillusion of what i wanted, i just shut that part of me off. my friends all laughed at me, and told me i was full of shit; but i didnt listen.. what i wanted to hear were my urges to have another human being.... and thats not wrong... just she was. although you may think everything was a big mistake, and maybe it was.. this is just something else to prove that maybe it wasnt right after all. maybe its not quite like the notion of the 'something thats meant to be, will be', but if it was meant to be, then it would have been, and it didnt... looking back at things like that, make me sit and wonder why i never thought that way in the begining... that if none of this plays out, maybe its for the better. maybe thats how you should allways look at it... maybe thats a good place to start. for me, and maybe for you; i guess i know that no matter who you put close to you, they can always bite the hand that feeds; and from all that, i guess ive learned to look around more. that maybe what i want is right infront of me now; and just maybe everything in the universe did pan out just right to put it all within your grasp, if only youll open your eyes to see it for what it is. but maybe im just rambling, delerious from sleep deprevation and lonlieness; and just becomming ever more conscious of my own mortality and faults. ever more contemplative of my dealings and past relationships, more aware of my surroundings, as this may be the last chance i see things.. rushing to take in every last sight before i see no more... in which case, youll probably never know what i mean.... but maybe it could be im the crazy one, and maybe all these people are right to burn me, and chastize me for what i think and what i feel. maybe every one of you is legitimate in your treatment of me; because im truely that far gone from how 'we' think anymore. so youll probably just write me off as such. but maybe, i do have a shred of truth, and maybe im actually on to something, would you recognize it for what it is? would you actually be willing to see me for what i really am, and what i have for you? probably not... because im funny looking. im not cute like you all are accustomed to, i dont act like everyone else does, and i certainly dont treat you like everyone else ever has... so thats got to make me wrong, doesnt it? times like these, id like to think maybe im the right one. but its more important for you to realize that than me. ill just go back to myself until you do.



::::::::::::::::::::::::: 26 DAYS TILL GnR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

ain't it fun~
s.

addendum::::

just after writing the last entry, i decided to check my email... i dunno why, but i did. then i accidently hit the 'saved mail' button on outlook... and i find myself staring back at some mail thats two years old... dated today. i didnt want to read it. i allready know what it said. but i did. i couldnt avoid it. i made myself stop looking at it adn try to go to sleep... and i tried but i couldnt. i just lay awake trying not to think, and i found myself thinking more about it.... so i find myself here again...

people always ask me, what happened that made you so bitter... it takes alot. it takes a lot to bring someone down, and id like to think it takes a hell of alot to get to me... so what kind of shit can you actually do to get to Scott... realize there was much, much more than this, but how about just one excerpt that i cant stop thinking about, thats staring me cold in the face...

" October 16th, 2000

Scott~

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I received your gift and I thought it was very sweet...but unnecessary. I don't think it was appropriate for you to give me anything like that. I know that you have feelings for me, but you have to know that I don't share those feelings, and I never will, and never with you again. When you give a person something it is usually to try and start a relationship with them. We can't have that...I can't have that... and I don't want that. You are nothing that I would ever want in my life, and you just cant seem to understand that no matter how I try to tell you. I honestly don't know why you do what you do. I've moved on. ------- is better than you ever will be, and nothing is going to change that, no matter how much you hate it or wan't it to change. I'm not attracted to you, and I dont know why anyone ever would be. I know that you will probably be angry with me for writing this but I needed to say these things. These are my feelings and I'm just letting you know how I feel. I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful. But I have to now. "

its been a long, long time since id read that. i can honestly remember the feeling of my heart hitting my feet when i read it. i knew she meant it. and im sure if shed even talk to me today, shed tell me the same thing. that i am nothing, and that i am never going to be better than the alternative. its not something i try to think about anymore. its just something you put in the back pocket, and go about your day with. and should the need arise, you can pull that out and refer to it, and then everything makes sense.

its tough reading that i know. im not sure why i posted it... i guess its just something i figured id put up here for everyone to maybe understand me better. i threw out a lot of stuff like that. she had written me off and on alot like that. most of what i said was equally nasty in places. but that was the woman i loved at the time. and i still dont get it. i guess i dont understand how you spend all your time, and you do everything right, and you get bit in the ass like that. she had been hospitalized for something or other, and really wasnt doing too well... as soon as i found out where she was, i skipped my classes, hitched a ride home with some guy i dont know, just to make it back to see her. when i got to the hospital she was gone. she wasnt at home or at her dorm. she wasnt dead either. appearantly she got released, although i disagree with the doctor who signed it... so she gets heavily sedated and medicated, and goes home to drink and party in time for homecomming. i felt pretty used. id come all that way just to see her, and i find out that shes out drinking and partying, and ends up going into convulsions and vommitting, passing out and having random men strip her and put her in bed [atleast thats how she woke up]. i didnt know what else to do. so i left the present i bought for her at school. it was a big stuffed gorilla, because i knew she liked monkeys alot. and thats the letter i got back from her for it. no mention of me doing the right thing, or being thanked for it. no mention of gee that was sweet of you, but wrong. just, my new boyfriend is better than you ever were. she and i actually talked after this... months later. still didnt get any appology for it. she just glossed past it like nothing happened.

and this was only one episode of many, many between us. and she was the one i really thought was it. i could see myself with her forever. and instead, i wind up thinking about it forever. i never truely understood what went wrong. i tried to do everything right. so i guess i should feel so bad when i look around, and try to do what i do, and i get struck down. because i can remember a time when; even when i did everything right... i still got fucked. and that haunts me. i cant always remember the words, but i can remember her voice. i can remember being told things. i can remember good times and bad. i can remember feeling so low, after something like this, that i didnt even know how to feel. and i can remember making her so happy at times shed choke back tears. not that i made her happy very often it would seem. no, what i did learn from these memories is exactly what she told me... that id never be better than the replacement, and im probably nothing anyone would ever want in their life. thats something that sticks with you. thats something that hangs in your head in the dark, and keeps you from sleeping. alot of times you let it roll off your back. but some nights, it keeps you from sleeping agian.

s.

Current Musical Selection: Zakk Wylde - Spoke In The Wheel

"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "

weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.

i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.

i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.

if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"

i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.

" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "

other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Dont Speak


short entry tonight. seems of late, all hell must break loose. from 3 hour executive meetings, to just plain rediculous amounts of homework and class assignments, to the more everpresent interpersonal turmoil of people around me; nothing it seems will stay remotely sane for 10 minutes anymore. really the only good things to speak of include my selection to lecture at Drake University on saturday to the res hall student body; and that i received my absentee ballot in the mail. and yes, i did actually vote democrat on a choice or two... i do remember marking Joe Seng, who actually served quite well as my neighboring district alderman; for whatever he was running for. sorry party! the big questions tho; i went for gross and ganske. ganske/harkin was a somewhat difficult choice; although i do have alot of respect for harkin and what hes done, and he does fight for iowa interests [what ever those might be]; just that i think its time to change up some of the political make up in the land. for the same reason i voted nussle over hutchinson; anne hutchinson annoys me; she'd have been better off to stay in her secure mayor slot in bettendorf for a 4th term or whatever it would be.

other random thoughts. || homework is killing me. a group presentation, midterm, vocab quiz, plus 2 chapters worth of homework and workbook all due this week in latin; a 2 day massive presentation on minority subject matter for dir democ class; quiz and papers due in stats; paper topic and quiz in bible history; and massive amounts of reading in law to cover this week... really none of it seems fair; each class is also assigning a paper in addition to all of this crap, that will be due within a week of each other; doesnt leave much time for me to do much. well see how i hold up closer to finals week. || working on this arh valentines day project is giving me flashbacks to vdays of the past. i guess its pretty selfish of me to not want to proceed with the project just because i dont like valentines day [and yes i do realize its not even halloween yet]. i was hoping this year wouldnt be much different, and id be able to stay in bed all day, skip classes, and just forget that day every occured. but as its shaping up, that doesnt look like it will be much of a reality. ill probably be stuck in the middle of all these kids and their 'love' for others... infact, ill be the one dolling out said 'love' in the forms of cookies... such irony in it all. the one person who has had the absolute worst track record of v'days; becomes responsible for ensuring everyone has a spectacular vday this year. i hate the idea. no one else really seems to notice. and i guess if i was a girl or sentimental, or was in a different situation, yeah i might appreciate the project; but its just really something hard to swallow when youve been through the wars like have. i suppose i could allways be chipper about it all, appearantly the way that all of you viewers have been about this; but i really dont expect to see any change for myself this year, nothing markedly different than the past few. but its funny what youll tell yourself sometimes just to think different about it all. i can remember being at home on my birthday, and staring at my candles and making that one stuipd birthday wish. not to jinx it, but it hasnt come true yet. maybe thats sad, and maybe its sad that i thought it might come true. either way, ill will be sitting in sappiness of pink and red hearts before i know it. allmost makes me wish id suggested something for halloween or a cool holliday like that instead of what i did.... || sounds like i could get to go home for part of the weekend.... ive joked alot about what home really is; but honestly im not far from the truth... i havent seen it since i moved here in early august. not that id get to spend much time there, just maybe it would be enough to partially recharge my batteries... getting to sleep in my big comfy bed, thats not 9 feet in the air! like i said in other posts, im allways a bit hesitant to go back to davenport. there really are alot of people and memories in that town still, that i just dont think i want to wade around in anymore. not that i can deny what all has happened, just its alot easier to forget it all when your not there. little things just appear when you go to the grocery store, or pull up to a car at a stop light.. you see people and things, that you just dont want to see anymore. maybe some more tomorrow... more likely friday before i leave..

ain't if fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Under My Thumb

sorry.. not going to say a thing about the 'Stones... you should allready know how much i love the Stones. this song in particular tho... well i love this song.. it first shows up on the Aftermath lp, back in like waaaay the hell back in 66... [i own Aftermath in 4 formats now... mp3; cassette; cd; 1st reprinting vinyl!] probably overshadowed by Paint It Black, or the bouncy-ier lesser known, High and Dry; Under My Thumb has been a favorite of mine since i first heard it. it brings back memories of a girl i was trying to get with back home; [not the one i usually talk about], and how it never really worked. made me pretty mad, not that my feelings were that overly strong for her, just to get shut down. she was a great girl. smart, quirky, loads of fun to be with, cute, a good friend too... lots of similar tastes in music and things. but, as it goes, scott either fucks it up in the end; or is just categorically denied for being scott. either way, i remember driving home in my car, aimlessly really, one night after talking to her; and this song kicked on the radio; and i remember two things. 1- how much i loved this song 2-how i forgot how surreal song lyrics could be. and yeah, as it all turned out i was down for the count with her; but as the song goes, i eventually placed her under my thumb. and thats been that. tables had turned, and now its just weird if were ever around each other. one more reason and one more name for me to stay away from Davenport.
------

well today was an expensive day... possibly one of the most expensive of my life to date. granted school, cars and appliances are all much more expensive... this day was on pure luxury... i called bright and early today to get my tickets to GnR at the Mark... that was just under 200 bucks all said and done... but... im in the 15th FUCKING ROW PEOPLE!!!! three seats for that price, at that location; totally worth it. this is a once in a lifetime concert for me... i missed out on GnR about 10 years ago, and there is no way im missing it this time. none.

after that, i spent 30 bucks on the 'Stones 40 Licks cd... i could have gone for 40 bucks, and gotten the limited edition box set.. and in retrospect i should have. it came with some cool stuff... but, this purchase still makes me happy; aside from the fact i have most of these songs in one form or another. the one thing i dislike about the 'Stones records are the amounts of repeats they do... each album probably has atleast one song from another album on it... gets annoying... its prolly good marketing/sales thinking to put Gimmie Shelter on 4 different cds [and im not counting singles folks!]; but its rather redundant. besides, its not like the 'Stones have problems selling cds. each member is a multi-multi millionare several times over... enough so their familiy's prolly wont manage to squander away the inherited wealth after they finnally depart. but, i dont mind giving them my money. show me a band thats more recognized, thats sold more records, and can produced better music dollar for dollar that the gang, and ill give them my money. 'nuff said. also browsed the vinyl racks today in town... lets say i cut myself off late, but late is better than too late. couple other good buys that will go into that collection; which is slowly growing. im still looking for what eludes me; which are printings of all the GnR albums on vinyl; and i know they do exist... even the rare gem of Live Like A Suicide, and the banned AFD cover album. im not in it to collect per se, im in it for the music... im not too broken up to find the sleeve is mangled some, or stained; or even present... as long as that vinyl plays, id be happy. anyone who's looking to get me a 'scott will love you forever' gift for scott, just look for one of them. that or the massively awesome 70 dollars of goodness that the Stones complete boxed set would offer me thats out at Coralridge Mall...

nothing else much... i suppose i could make a few comments about my prior post; but honest to god i really want to move off the subject. some people i know obsess over things like that; i really dotn want to find myself in the same practice. really i think my best medicine for it all is just total innoculation. --- shoot me full of the shit, and just let me be, and hope it makes me immune to it all later on. and it is. slowly, and surely, bit by aching bit; i move through the 'relationship' ponderings and feelings with succesively less and less thought, and more speed. i move with the speed and efficiency of a well versed man; knowing it doesnt matter in the end. i see these girls, and i see what they do; and i dont get excited. these girls see me, and see what i do; and they run the other way. should one happen to find me hunting it down, or for act of god, attach themselves to me; it wont last long. eventually history will run its course, and it will cease to be. then i can just go back to being me again. id be lying if i said i didnt like the feeling i got from it all, or that i didnt enjoy having a person to appreciate and vice versa; but its not worth taking a hammer to face every time for a glimpse of it. even a sleep-deprived ape can learn not to grab the grape thats sitting on plate, wired to shock box; and it doesnt really matter how good that grape can taste, you know your ass is going to get buzzed good for it in the end. got an email from a viewer telling me i was out and out wrong to discount myself totally from the love world just because of my past falterings and hangups. if nothing else, you all are ever the optimists. i guess you all deserve credit where credit is due; unfortunately, im going to call your bluffs. i dont think anything is going to change, and i dont expect a change. i guess i expect to live my life, with me and for me, and thats about all im going to get to work with. theres enough family and friends to sprinkle in to bat the depression away; and really isnt that all i can ask for? just to give me enough to keep going. because once that stops; and once ive got what i want... i wont keep going. no one would. why charge up that next hill when this one has good cover? you charge up that hill because if you dont, Charley will. i know ill end up some day. dont know how, or where or with what. i just know ill end up at somepoint.


ain't if fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Civil War

one of the great songs of the early 90's, that wasnt grunge, and that wasnt pop... heavy with guitars and feeling, but in a different way than the grunge movement registered with people; unfortunately it never really did register with people. instead it proves to be one of the gems of the Use Your Illusions project; coupled with Estranged, 'Rain, and Breakdown [among any that i could have listed], it shows the power that the band could play with, still within the limits of the softer 'ballad'esqe lyrical content...

" look at the shoes your filling // look at the blood were spilling // look at the world were killing, // the way weve always done before... // look at the doubt weve wallowed // look at the leaders weve followed // look at the lives weve swallowed // and i dont want to hear no more // my hands are tied // for all ive seen has changed my mind // but still the wars go on and the years go by // with no love for God or human rights // and all these dreams are swept aside // by the bloodied hands of the hypnotized // to carry the cross of homocide // and then history bears the scars of our civil wars.. "

40 days until GnR roughly. maybe on that day ill be happy. at this point, ill be going by myself, and i couldnt think of a better way to enjoy myself. no one i know appreciates the music for what it is; hell no one i know even listens to it. so what if its been 10 years since theyve toured, and so what if its a totally new band; its about finding happiness in a void. ive actually asked a few people to go. no Yes's yet. a couple Maybe's. several blanket No's. its ok, id have to sit and teach them all the lyrics to every song so they dont look out of place... and thats alot of work. in the next few weeks im actually going to have to familiarize myself with some songs better... rumor is axl is playing alot of old, old material from Appetite... ; even though i like the Illusions albums better. well see in 40 days...
------

so i missed classes today. yeah, it was wednesday. not anything that makes me overly sad about it. maybe thats what im scared of. missing classes means nothing to me anymore. only in some classes where the work piles up from it, do i ever feel any sense of remorse for it... but skipping classes isnt something to be proud of. at the price tag im paying to go here, missing isnt a smart thing to do....buuuut what do i miss? just random teachers reading from the text books; random kids snoring in class; maybe one or two paragraphs of notes about something that doesnt particularly concern me or my future well-being. i guess more importantly, its just another cold seat in some lecture hall somewhere on campus. in the end it costs the University X amount of dollars to heat the room that my body would be warming; and so they see that in the end.... but nothing for me. nothing that says, gee Scott, we missed you in class... gee Scott, were sorry to hear that our whiny leftist lectures dont interest you, well do something that will interest you. nothing like that. just the same bs.

walking to and from class isnt much better. i wear darksunglasses. not only do they shield my eyes from the sunlight, but it shields them metaphorically from the kids and sluts around me. everyone around here is similar in what they want, even the ones that deny it. categorically; some people i know, will deny everything of the lifestyle thats so repitiously indulged upon around here; yet they too find themselves in the same lot. i shield my eyes from it. i dont want what everyone else gets around here. i dont want to get plastered 4 of 7 nights a week; i dont want a random girl in my bed; and i dont want to do the bare minimum. but thats what they are handing out around here.... the bare minimum; with a double of 'to get you through' sprinkled in every other round.

i used to think college would be about so much more than all this. but now all i do; is find myself playing mind-numbing videogames, and hiding in my room or office.... away from other people. someone once laughed at me for being a sociology major, that hates people; but its correct. id much rather find myself alone in my room than with the gross population around me. i find strikingly few things in common with them anymore, and thats discouraging. it means i find myself sitting here, ranting about nothing in particular, to no one in particular. funny isnt it? my release from dealing with people [of which i hate dealing with] is to mindlessly jabber at other people [ie - all of you]... not so much funny as it is ironic i suppose... but then again, i probably missed that day of class on grammer and parts of speech.

" i dont need your civil war // it feeds the rich while it buries the poor // your power hungry, sell souls in a human grocery store // aint that fresh? // i dont need your civil war // no i dont need your civil war... "

someone was talking to me late last night about relationships. for whatever reason we started talking about our expectations for the future. it kinda floored him when i said i didnt have any. infact his comment was, "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" and maybe it does. i dont know; i guess when it comes to expecting things you cant count on, it seems more futile to me than counting stars. do i ever EXPECT to be married? -- no. do i ever EXPECT to actually have a relationship with someone again? -- no. but would i LIKE to get married --- yes, would i LIKE to have a relationship with someone again?-- yes. two different questions that i guess, i seem to keep separate, while everyone else around seems to mince together. the expectation revolves around the occurance; and in the end, we all want that occurance, right? but what happens when that falls short? i guess no one expects to get divorced 5 times; or no one expects to have their heartbroken; but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen... and that doesnt mean i dont want it to happen; it just means i dont want to incurr those types of things anymore. i think ive spent my time in hell rather well; ive learned alot; ive learned how to be treated, and how to treat. but that doesnt mean that anyone else has. besides... lets hit the reality button here; im not going to win a beauty pagent... lets just stipulate to that... so then if im equal to anyone else who has paid their dues and learned; why would some girl pick me over the cute guy? they wouldnt. i wouldnt ask them to, and i wouldnt expect them to. i guess thats the earthshattering reality people never want to admit to. i didnt find it so hard. all those years seem to make alot more sense now when i think of it all that way. sure, being stoodup to a dance doesnt seem so out of place when you can go with a cute guy. and yeah, setting up some cruel jokes on or sending the overly attractive girls in school to fuck with this guy's head, doesnt seem so out of place. in a way i guess its their way of re-inforcing it all home again... which again is ironic, isnt it? we spend so much of our lives not believing what everyone is telling us. all those times when they left notes about me being creepy and a looser, that was just the truth, wasnt it? and all those times i got dumped on by girls, that was just to prove the point, right? my only question is how would anyone ever expect something from nothing. magic and act of God aside, it just doesnt happen. i suppose my view of it all is skewed because i guess ive finally heard what everyone has been telling me for quite some time.

back to the meaning of it all; the discussion put me squarely back in the crosshairs.... "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" it does. but atleast im not getting my hopes up. when it rains shit, you buy a raincoat. i guess should some unsuspecting, half-blind supermodel with no standards and overly zealous ideas towards committment, should litteraly fall in my grasp... its not appropriate to count cards. counting cards just lets you know what your odds are going to be in the next hand... the dealer shows 2 ace's... that means theres only 2 left, and in the next hand youve got one; that helps. but when the game takes out the ace's and just throws in duces.... its kinda hard to see where its all going to play out. thats why i prefer not to make any wager. more aptly, ive decided to cash in and wait till my luck and odds better coincide. besides, whats my alternative? to keep playing a game that im not going to win at? just loose more money and morale in the process? get branded a looser more often? thats not my style. "so what, even minor wins are something," somone else said to me; but who expects to walk into a card game to win the pot, and walk out happy with a $5 chip? see, i dont expect to have this wonderfully blissfull marriage to some overly gorgeous model, because i know its not going to happen.. what is likely to happen, is me finding someone who just gets the job done... nothing more, maybe less; adequate at best. so then someday, when i find myself divorced and with 3 kids i never see; i should still be happy with that $5 chip? i hope not. my parents were raised without divorce, i was raised without divorce, and i dont intend to raise my chilren in divorce. so thats going to eliminate some of those small wins of momentary happiness. coupled with that freightrain; id never raise children outside of marriage. thats going to shoot down some other options. yeah, i guess that is going to leave me somewhere this side of a booze habit and a burger-king addiction when im old. whats so sad about that? i knew what i was getting into. i knew what the option were. and i know exactly how the cards are dealt. to me its more sad that everyone else keeps playing to loose, despite all the signals, dispite all the losses, and dispite all the effort, they loose. at the end of the day, i walk out with my ass intact, nothing ahead, nothing down... just dead even. and they keep taking hits on those tables i walked out on. whats so sad about that?

your right, Scott, maybe your being to hard on everyone else; Scott thats not what they all meant. |||| maybe. maybe they just thing the isolation is sad. i guess i dont understand that either. its by choice, but its not. i readily move in groups and social benefactors; its not that im against social interaction as a blanket policy... just nothing appeals to me. there are some people around that i do like spending time with and around. some of them doing like spending time with me; and some i dont like spending time around. now what makes that sad? maybe whats sad to them is, im looking for something that none of them are looking for. the old, mines bigger than yours, that makes it better argument. since my goals are equal to theirs, but i dont expect to fullfill them, maybe thats supposed to make me sad. i think whats sad is i have to sit and defend myself to it all. id much rather not. id much rather just have what i want to have out of life, and be done with it. but im not going to get it. and thats the point of all this i suppose. some people spend all their lives praying night, after night, for God to give them someone. i honestly dont do that anymore. God's got better things to do than listen to me whine... God's got a world full of strife, anger and despair to deal with; and my requests seem pretty damned meager in comparison. yes i suppose, that God does answer your prayers, all of them. but the answer is no sometimes. the answer is no alot of the time. people never understand that. God probably gave me something else worthwhile to do; and gave me some sort of direction to take; why should i feel inclined to complain to Him about his decision? and who the hell says hes even going to do anything about it? He doesnt have to. Sure, hes benevolent, but that doenst mean he cant be a hardass; ask the Jews! so that even if i dont want to deal with what life's given to me, its not going to matter one bit to argue my case.

i guess that doesnt mean i never did. there were times when id sit and think; gee God, couldnt you just off Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel? not to make me anything better, just drop off some of my competition? there were some times when i used to think it wasnt fair to deal with everything that happened to me. sure, its not fair to get turned down, everytime, you ask to your prom. likewise, its not fair to get reamed out for sending flowers to a girl. lifes not about fair. if it was all supposed to be fair, id still be in that card game; because i know my odds are going to be fair. but they arent, and i dont play. and appearantly that makes it all sad. that i refuse to play the game. the games got rules you can never expect to beat. its always set up in the house's favor. if you dont keep loosing, you wont keep playing, right? if you dont find mr. right, you just keep going out there and dating scumbags till you find him? sooner or later, youll just get tired, and settle out for that measley $5 chip. youll lie to yourself and say its mr. right! and your friends will be happy for you, and youll just keep on living it that way. so maybe thats why its sad... maybe its sad because i just dont want to play this game. maybe its just sad because i dont want to find my saturday morning surprise in my bed. besides, thats how everyone else is going to play the game, isnt it? they are just going to keep screwing everything with two legs and a hole, and hope some day they pull it out clean; because thats going to be mr/mrs Right. i know im not going to get any wins on that table. so maybe its sad that i just calculate my odds. maybe its just sad they havent calculated theirs.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Life By the Drop

"hello there, my old friend. not so long ago it was still the end; late outside in the pouring rain, on our way up the road, we started all over again. living a dream, as though youre on top. my mind is aching, and lord it wonts stop; thats how it happened living life by the drop"

long day again. seems like they never end... i wake up late, tired and stressed out from the day before, to start, late, into the new day; only so that everything else can compound again by days end. the reward is a few hours of sleep sometime after 3am. today started off with the 8am wake up call of ITS. which shuttled with doing latin homework while on the phone, makes for a poor, poor way to study, and a poorer way to deal with a phone call. class... such a pain in my ass, then 3 hours of dealing with Residence Services and ITS. magically, no one can answer any of my questions... [not surprised] wonderful. 'I say fuck authority... no silent majority, raised by the system, now its time to rise against them' [Pennywise - Fuck Authority]

sooooo bored. homework is really getting old. if youd have asked me 10 years ago, if i thought id still be doing nightly homework for points... id have laughed at you. i mean, upper level education isnt supposed to subsist of the same bullshit that 3rd grade did. but no. pages of workbook shit, pages of sentences to write. stuipd busy work assignments, like creating a hypothesis.... utter bullshit.. its rediculous. 3rd graders are getting the same education i am, and im paying nearly 10 grand a year for what they get with a free public education. some days i really sit and think to myself what im going to do with this ultra useless 4year degree.... todays college world requires you to take more hours of a foreign language than of english; more hours of 'cultural diversity' than of american history; and more hours of bullshit elective classes than your major. in fact, your hours logged in for. lang. alone are enough to credit you with a minor in some departments... how sad is that? my college degree cost me 40,000 dollars or so, and with it i spent a small fraction [30 hours or less of 120] in what i want to do in this world.

college isnt about learning anymore i dont think. its more about testing you in time management. college education is nothing with out it. its about me logging X number of hours in bullshit courses, and to carry with me 200 dollar books that the instructors rarely teach from. its about looking your best in class, not doing your best. its about making the friends and social 'hook ups' not making the grade. im the first to admit that my gradepoint sucks. i stopped carring along time ago. all of these classes are not important to what im going to do with my life, why take them serious? why not let me dedicate my time on what im going to need to know, and let me out of it all sooner. i guess its supposed to be good for me. thats what the administrators tell me. but i doubt my employer will think that way. i wouldnt. would you rather have an employee who knows every thing there is to know about his job, or just someone who knows a little bit about their job, and a little bit about everything else in the world? hands down, i want that job-focused person to work for me. isnt that the way it should be? who cares what your employees do in their off-clock time; what you want in this cut-throat world is top notch workers, who are damn good at what they do... why divert their time from that to learn about the African AIDS ''crisis'' or the pheasability of the speed of light being wrong. what i want as an employer is the best man for making widgets i can get. if he can make me widgets in half the time of a normal man, i can either work him half a day [and keep half that money] or work him the full day and get twice the productivity out of him. i want people that can sell my widgets to anyone, and guarantee me a sale the minute they start their sales pitch. i want to pay and IT department that i never see; i want them to fix problems before they arise, and to have everything up and running before the normal work shift starts. i dont want to hear about poetry interpretations from my workers, i couldnt give a shit less if they can read the warnings printed on the side of the widget packaging in German to me; and i sure as hell dont want Widget Makers telling me about how they think they know more about my companies financial practice, because of their 3 hours spent in microecon.

unfortunately for me, the death of the true worker has come. now, instead of speacialists, we think its better to have someone specialize in nothing, and tinker with everything. now we have people with 4 year degrees that can spend as little as a semester's worth of hours on their major, and still take 6 years to get said 4year degree. whats wrong with making kids experts in what they want to do? they chose that major as their lifes work, lets give them the knowledge to make it so, lets stop pussy-footing around with bullshit progression based courses and electives: you take every class your major has to offer in three years, and spend a year doing some independent work or interning in the real world. get some experience handling what you will with your life. get me out of these god damned rhetoric classes and psych 100, and let me, scott alvarado, play with criminal behavior theory, let me do some work in a quasi court-room environment. get the chains removed, that bind my hands to pathetic lecutres of 1400 kids and high school level work, get me prepared for the real world.

besides which, if im here to become prepared for life ever after; then lets start shaping these lumps of highschool shit into real individuals. lets start by making them recognize that they are now adults. lets drop all these kid like expectations, and let them progress beyond hoops and hurdles... after all thats what high school was. how about we start taking college students seriously, and lets see if they will take the world seriously. how can we expect, as a society, to have kids emerge from 4 years of binge drinking, socially acceptable piercings and tattooings, and rampant sex; and expect them to have formed an accurate and sensible view of the world. all we give them to go on, is what our classrooms have taught; and if thats any sign, its no wonder why our kids are confused about the world. everything we teach them in class today is the direct opposite of what our parents [who now controll the world] are running with. kids today dont have a sense of money, dont have a sense of self, and sure as hell dont have a sense of stable family relations or a sense of genuine culture thats all their own. weve spent our lectures on the glories of the worlds unruly ways and how its all 'equally valid as our own''; which is all well and good, as long as you give them something to measure it with. kids today have no sense of american history. yorktown is just a peppermint patty; kennedy is just an airport; the Union is nothing more than uncle don's trade faternity; and we had a war with Mexico?!?!?! we took our time, trying to engrain an asinine sense of worldly guilt towards being american; and now when our country is attacked on the basis of our culture; our children cant even tell you why everyone hates us... appearantly the world isnt all holding hands and telling native folktales in harmony like my college lectures have told me. prehaps there still is some eveil in this world, and prehaps those perpretrating have been placed closer to our children than wed ever want to know. besides, its only education; there can never be harm in educating people, so my instructors have tried to convince me.

ain't it fun~
s.