Current Musical Selection: GnR - Civil War

one of the great songs of the early 90's, that wasnt grunge, and that wasnt pop... heavy with guitars and feeling, but in a different way than the grunge movement registered with people; unfortunately it never really did register with people. instead it proves to be one of the gems of the Use Your Illusions project; coupled with Estranged, 'Rain, and Breakdown [among any that i could have listed], it shows the power that the band could play with, still within the limits of the softer 'ballad'esqe lyrical content...

" look at the shoes your filling // look at the blood were spilling // look at the world were killing, // the way weve always done before... // look at the doubt weve wallowed // look at the leaders weve followed // look at the lives weve swallowed // and i dont want to hear no more // my hands are tied // for all ive seen has changed my mind // but still the wars go on and the years go by // with no love for God or human rights // and all these dreams are swept aside // by the bloodied hands of the hypnotized // to carry the cross of homocide // and then history bears the scars of our civil wars.. "

40 days until GnR roughly. maybe on that day ill be happy. at this point, ill be going by myself, and i couldnt think of a better way to enjoy myself. no one i know appreciates the music for what it is; hell no one i know even listens to it. so what if its been 10 years since theyve toured, and so what if its a totally new band; its about finding happiness in a void. ive actually asked a few people to go. no Yes's yet. a couple Maybe's. several blanket No's. its ok, id have to sit and teach them all the lyrics to every song so they dont look out of place... and thats alot of work. in the next few weeks im actually going to have to familiarize myself with some songs better... rumor is axl is playing alot of old, old material from Appetite... ; even though i like the Illusions albums better. well see in 40 days...
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so i missed classes today. yeah, it was wednesday. not anything that makes me overly sad about it. maybe thats what im scared of. missing classes means nothing to me anymore. only in some classes where the work piles up from it, do i ever feel any sense of remorse for it... but skipping classes isnt something to be proud of. at the price tag im paying to go here, missing isnt a smart thing to do....buuuut what do i miss? just random teachers reading from the text books; random kids snoring in class; maybe one or two paragraphs of notes about something that doesnt particularly concern me or my future well-being. i guess more importantly, its just another cold seat in some lecture hall somewhere on campus. in the end it costs the University X amount of dollars to heat the room that my body would be warming; and so they see that in the end.... but nothing for me. nothing that says, gee Scott, we missed you in class... gee Scott, were sorry to hear that our whiny leftist lectures dont interest you, well do something that will interest you. nothing like that. just the same bs.

walking to and from class isnt much better. i wear darksunglasses. not only do they shield my eyes from the sunlight, but it shields them metaphorically from the kids and sluts around me. everyone around here is similar in what they want, even the ones that deny it. categorically; some people i know, will deny everything of the lifestyle thats so repitiously indulged upon around here; yet they too find themselves in the same lot. i shield my eyes from it. i dont want what everyone else gets around here. i dont want to get plastered 4 of 7 nights a week; i dont want a random girl in my bed; and i dont want to do the bare minimum. but thats what they are handing out around here.... the bare minimum; with a double of 'to get you through' sprinkled in every other round.

i used to think college would be about so much more than all this. but now all i do; is find myself playing mind-numbing videogames, and hiding in my room or office.... away from other people. someone once laughed at me for being a sociology major, that hates people; but its correct. id much rather find myself alone in my room than with the gross population around me. i find strikingly few things in common with them anymore, and thats discouraging. it means i find myself sitting here, ranting about nothing in particular, to no one in particular. funny isnt it? my release from dealing with people [of which i hate dealing with] is to mindlessly jabber at other people [ie - all of you]... not so much funny as it is ironic i suppose... but then again, i probably missed that day of class on grammer and parts of speech.

" i dont need your civil war // it feeds the rich while it buries the poor // your power hungry, sell souls in a human grocery store // aint that fresh? // i dont need your civil war // no i dont need your civil war... "

someone was talking to me late last night about relationships. for whatever reason we started talking about our expectations for the future. it kinda floored him when i said i didnt have any. infact his comment was, "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" and maybe it does. i dont know; i guess when it comes to expecting things you cant count on, it seems more futile to me than counting stars. do i ever EXPECT to be married? -- no. do i ever EXPECT to actually have a relationship with someone again? -- no. but would i LIKE to get married --- yes, would i LIKE to have a relationship with someone again?-- yes. two different questions that i guess, i seem to keep separate, while everyone else around seems to mince together. the expectation revolves around the occurance; and in the end, we all want that occurance, right? but what happens when that falls short? i guess no one expects to get divorced 5 times; or no one expects to have their heartbroken; but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen... and that doesnt mean i dont want it to happen; it just means i dont want to incurr those types of things anymore. i think ive spent my time in hell rather well; ive learned alot; ive learned how to be treated, and how to treat. but that doesnt mean that anyone else has. besides... lets hit the reality button here; im not going to win a beauty pagent... lets just stipulate to that... so then if im equal to anyone else who has paid their dues and learned; why would some girl pick me over the cute guy? they wouldnt. i wouldnt ask them to, and i wouldnt expect them to. i guess thats the earthshattering reality people never want to admit to. i didnt find it so hard. all those years seem to make alot more sense now when i think of it all that way. sure, being stoodup to a dance doesnt seem so out of place when you can go with a cute guy. and yeah, setting up some cruel jokes on or sending the overly attractive girls in school to fuck with this guy's head, doesnt seem so out of place. in a way i guess its their way of re-inforcing it all home again... which again is ironic, isnt it? we spend so much of our lives not believing what everyone is telling us. all those times when they left notes about me being creepy and a looser, that was just the truth, wasnt it? and all those times i got dumped on by girls, that was just to prove the point, right? my only question is how would anyone ever expect something from nothing. magic and act of God aside, it just doesnt happen. i suppose my view of it all is skewed because i guess ive finally heard what everyone has been telling me for quite some time.

back to the meaning of it all; the discussion put me squarely back in the crosshairs.... "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" it does. but atleast im not getting my hopes up. when it rains shit, you buy a raincoat. i guess should some unsuspecting, half-blind supermodel with no standards and overly zealous ideas towards committment, should litteraly fall in my grasp... its not appropriate to count cards. counting cards just lets you know what your odds are going to be in the next hand... the dealer shows 2 ace's... that means theres only 2 left, and in the next hand youve got one; that helps. but when the game takes out the ace's and just throws in duces.... its kinda hard to see where its all going to play out. thats why i prefer not to make any wager. more aptly, ive decided to cash in and wait till my luck and odds better coincide. besides, whats my alternative? to keep playing a game that im not going to win at? just loose more money and morale in the process? get branded a looser more often? thats not my style. "so what, even minor wins are something," somone else said to me; but who expects to walk into a card game to win the pot, and walk out happy with a $5 chip? see, i dont expect to have this wonderfully blissfull marriage to some overly gorgeous model, because i know its not going to happen.. what is likely to happen, is me finding someone who just gets the job done... nothing more, maybe less; adequate at best. so then someday, when i find myself divorced and with 3 kids i never see; i should still be happy with that $5 chip? i hope not. my parents were raised without divorce, i was raised without divorce, and i dont intend to raise my chilren in divorce. so thats going to eliminate some of those small wins of momentary happiness. coupled with that freightrain; id never raise children outside of marriage. thats going to shoot down some other options. yeah, i guess that is going to leave me somewhere this side of a booze habit and a burger-king addiction when im old. whats so sad about that? i knew what i was getting into. i knew what the option were. and i know exactly how the cards are dealt. to me its more sad that everyone else keeps playing to loose, despite all the signals, dispite all the losses, and dispite all the effort, they loose. at the end of the day, i walk out with my ass intact, nothing ahead, nothing down... just dead even. and they keep taking hits on those tables i walked out on. whats so sad about that?

your right, Scott, maybe your being to hard on everyone else; Scott thats not what they all meant. |||| maybe. maybe they just thing the isolation is sad. i guess i dont understand that either. its by choice, but its not. i readily move in groups and social benefactors; its not that im against social interaction as a blanket policy... just nothing appeals to me. there are some people around that i do like spending time with and around. some of them doing like spending time with me; and some i dont like spending time around. now what makes that sad? maybe whats sad to them is, im looking for something that none of them are looking for. the old, mines bigger than yours, that makes it better argument. since my goals are equal to theirs, but i dont expect to fullfill them, maybe thats supposed to make me sad. i think whats sad is i have to sit and defend myself to it all. id much rather not. id much rather just have what i want to have out of life, and be done with it. but im not going to get it. and thats the point of all this i suppose. some people spend all their lives praying night, after night, for God to give them someone. i honestly dont do that anymore. God's got better things to do than listen to me whine... God's got a world full of strife, anger and despair to deal with; and my requests seem pretty damned meager in comparison. yes i suppose, that God does answer your prayers, all of them. but the answer is no sometimes. the answer is no alot of the time. people never understand that. God probably gave me something else worthwhile to do; and gave me some sort of direction to take; why should i feel inclined to complain to Him about his decision? and who the hell says hes even going to do anything about it? He doesnt have to. Sure, hes benevolent, but that doenst mean he cant be a hardass; ask the Jews! so that even if i dont want to deal with what life's given to me, its not going to matter one bit to argue my case.

i guess that doesnt mean i never did. there were times when id sit and think; gee God, couldnt you just off Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel? not to make me anything better, just drop off some of my competition? there were some times when i used to think it wasnt fair to deal with everything that happened to me. sure, its not fair to get turned down, everytime, you ask to your prom. likewise, its not fair to get reamed out for sending flowers to a girl. lifes not about fair. if it was all supposed to be fair, id still be in that card game; because i know my odds are going to be fair. but they arent, and i dont play. and appearantly that makes it all sad. that i refuse to play the game. the games got rules you can never expect to beat. its always set up in the house's favor. if you dont keep loosing, you wont keep playing, right? if you dont find mr. right, you just keep going out there and dating scumbags till you find him? sooner or later, youll just get tired, and settle out for that measley $5 chip. youll lie to yourself and say its mr. right! and your friends will be happy for you, and youll just keep on living it that way. so maybe thats why its sad... maybe its sad because i just dont want to play this game. maybe its just sad because i dont want to find my saturday morning surprise in my bed. besides, thats how everyone else is going to play the game, isnt it? they are just going to keep screwing everything with two legs and a hole, and hope some day they pull it out clean; because thats going to be mr/mrs Right. i know im not going to get any wins on that table. so maybe its sad that i just calculate my odds. maybe its just sad they havent calculated theirs.

ain't it fun~
s.