Nameless.
Current Musical Selection: Danzig - Belly of the Beast
boredom. tired. work starts in a few hours now that i was bumped to pickup the first shift on saturday, and im not tired. im hoplessley lost in the 2nd/3rd shift realm. bah. such garbage. it would be nice to confine my life to one frame.
sometimes i surprise myself. words are something i dable with. never claimed to be good with them. never claimed to understand them. but ive always tried to use them to convey meaning. something i always knew that i did well, but never came out to state it. after rereading Holstein's book on the Hebrew Bible, some of his arguments over the meanings and interpretations of the text, bring back memories of his class... more importantly, they drag out some things that are pretty good to remember when reading someone's work for meaning... he said that everything has meaning. everything means something. each morsel of information, each word, each syllable has a meaning and an order to it. you cant over look these things. people can write stories about a dog and a flower; but what makes the stories great, are the relationships of unwritten variety between the harmony of the natural state of affairs in the world. things beneath the surface that we struggle to understand. everything has meaning
all that meaning scares me. ive tried to use it. read back a ways to see what you can catch; because i know, that i specifically altered or left phrases the way i did to convey a certain meaning. sometimes the subject is stated; some times its not even obvious. but its there. reading for the unwritten is probably the only way to address half of what i write.
again, this could be a so-what post. this could be one of those times where everyone will run around commenting about how im talking about nothing; or how everything has alterier motives... how they should all take offense now, when they didnt before. maybe its just me confessing and washing my hands in the purity that is disclosure to the source. some of you will likely be amazed, and feel problematic to what ive written over the last year, once you know what to look for. but you wont. only i do. sometimes you might catch the thread that is waifting on the wind; but i doubt that any will ever grasp the hem of the garment that your thread has left. i say this because its been about a year since i... decided... shall we say, to disclose my thoughts to the web. in a few days, ill probably top off the tank with a few more things to round it out. but heres to posterity.
lastly; it is the power of the word that chills me. the speaker and its hidden meaning are something to keep in mind; but none of which is more important that the word its self. its timeliness, its useage, its syntax its character, and its flaws. someone managed to remind me of the power of the word. mine in particular. i was having a converstation with a friend of mine, it strayed to females, and as usual im sure i started talking more than i should about a subject i shouldnt, to an audience that doesnt care. he reminded me of something i told him a long time ago. id forgotten id said it, and it did catch me off guard. im still thinking it over. about how right i was then, and maybe how right it is now. but the word that came from my lips, to someones mind, returned once again. and i still enjoy the irony of them. read them again. enjoy them.
x
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Sunday, July 13, 2003
PHOTOS OF THE NEW REGEIME!
yeah, because i love you all, my loyal viewing public... who, as best i cant tell, are still trickling in at over 15 uniques [and steady readers] durring the summer... down from the school year, but you know-- its still flatering. so for all of you; i will break with one of my rules and show you my face... for those that are both BOLD and DARING... pureists dont have to look.. its pictures of the new hairless wonder as someone called me on the phone tonight... enjoy.
pic numero uno
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_091.jpg
e la partena dos
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_093.jpg
x
yeah, because i love you all, my loyal viewing public... who, as best i cant tell, are still trickling in at over 15 uniques [and steady readers] durring the summer... down from the school year, but you know-- its still flatering. so for all of you; i will break with one of my rules and show you my face... for those that are both BOLD and DARING... pureists dont have to look.. its pictures of the new hairless wonder as someone called me on the phone tonight... enjoy.
pic numero uno
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_091.jpg
e la partena dos
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_093.jpg
x
Saturday, July 12, 2003
THE END OF AN ERA
today it was over. the final days of his madness have now ceased... the hair is gone. yes. cut off. gone. its really short. on a whim i thought id do it. ive been ranting about wanting to do it for a few months, and people said it was something id have to be ready for. i dont think that had as much to do with it as they thought. but it took a bit of courage. ive had my hair like that since well into highschool. now its gone. today the old era ended. ill write more later today. still trying to get the itchy hairs off my neck and face.
today it was over. the final days of his madness have now ceased... the hair is gone. yes. cut off. gone. its really short. on a whim i thought id do it. ive been ranting about wanting to do it for a few months, and people said it was something id have to be ready for. i dont think that had as much to do with it as they thought. but it took a bit of courage. ive had my hair like that since well into highschool. now its gone. today the old era ended. ill write more later today. still trying to get the itchy hairs off my neck and face.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Peeling Away
gross. i hate peeling. i spent all day in the sun at the rod and custom show in Des Moines with my dad and brother; im paying for it. my mom said its a pretty bad sunburn. grandma even commented on it... and shes having eye surgery soon. . i dunno. it doesnt really hurt. i suppose that could be bad... damaging all the nerve endings and pain receptors. or its good, it just doesnt hurt too much. but now my head is peeling. it itches, and when i touch it, it tends to sting. im expecting the next 3 days to be the most embarassing of it all; when the skin on my scalp and forhead peel and look like i have massive dandruf flakes. goodie. i keep playing with it. i know im supposed to stop poking it. maybe i just think it will stop itching. yeah right.
other than that, i spent the day in iowa city. meetings and such. i thought my job ended a few months ago? nope- they just stop paying me i suppose. its nice seeing some of these people. i lie well. its really aggrivating dealing with them sometimes. theres only so much these people with phD's tend to listen to punk undergrads, and after an hour long meeting in a room; im sure ive used up all my minutes. although im bound to confidentiallity; i can divulge [for those that care] that progress is being made rapidly for the new Director of Residence Services; we've selected down to a small group, about 6 i guess... maybe less.... to bring to campus. but thats as of now. theres a million steps that Affirmative Action Office takes before that happens. 2 people already pulled out of the pool as well. but we do have some good candidates. i was suprised by the quality of a couple. appalled at the quality of a few others. it will be interesting to see where it moves on to in the next few weeks. too bad i miss out on the best part; seeing the end result. im done and gone from the Department in any official sense, and even my name and memory will be ghostly by the time this person takes office. just as well.
also met an EXTREMELY cool person today. Terri in Risk Management Office. i thought she was just a receptionist or clerk; my guess was she wasnt much older than me. damn gina. blonde, blue eyes, gorgeous all over. turns out she is 36. has 2 kids. is married. yeah wow. couldnt have been farther off the mark there, could i? nevertheless; she is very cool. she seems to know damn near everything going on; real open to talking... ended up spending 2.5 hours talking with her for a 10 minute question. turns out shes the Claims person. anytime someone makes a claim of insurance against the university, it pretty much goes through her hands. she had some interesting stories. shes also had an interesting life. hadnt been that into a conversation in a long time. since i met Erin L. really. turns out Terri got married and had kids at 19... didnt work out right, one day got a divorce and decided to go back to college at age 30 something. so she worked fulltime hours 9 to 5, has 2 kids, 2 dogs, a house, and still took college classes. shes pretty amazing. i know people that bitch about school and 10 hours of committment per week... i grumble when the workload hit 30 hours and classes... but ive never had to deal with kids and things like that along with it. total respect in my book for her. kinda funny standing there talking about life to a complete stranger and feeling like the other person understood it all. she did give me some advice, which was also cool of her. felt like advice from mom, but from an older sister or something like that. but, as far as business goes, i got lots of good information for my new pet project. also, the big shit kicker was shes interested in it! that was a feel good thing. she and i have some similar ideas about how to approach this thing at this university and how to remedy some problems. thats about all ill say about the new venture. im keeping it my secret till it gets moving some more, ill have time to do that it looks like; since Student Legal passed me over. i was pretty furious at the moment. still thinking about asking for written reasons why, i cant honestly see people more qualified than i; and i knew everyone in the room interviewing me... only one would have given me a bad rating. yeah. whatever. she can eat asshole. probably still mad about the alcohol discussion pannel that happened in the spring.
iowa city is a strange place. everytime im there i loose track of when it is. [well today was obviously Ho Season, judging by the attire], but i mean i run in to the damndest people all over. Donnice [koosh ball] was in the IMU, so was Piek, Bender, some dude from my Holstein lecture whose name i never learned, on the street i ran into a hall coordinator, a girl from my rhetoric class [yes shes still hot], and a guy from my freshman year floor. scary. worse yet. i saw someone who was an absolute dead ringer for Erin L. i think i would say i know her intimately enough that i would know her or not in a crowd... i swore it was her. she had a total erin outfit on, an erin purse, was on the cell phone constantly, same pink jewel toe ring... i went up and tapped her on the shoulder when she was outside of Subway. she turned around, and it wasnt her. but damn. i was totally fooled. thats scary. if i saw this girl more than 15 paces away, id swear it was her, she looked that much alike. but i felt like a tard when it wasnt her. i think i pissed off the poor girl too. ugly fat men in day light do that i suppose.
aside from that i just had a general feeling of wanting to talk. after starting it up with Terri, i just felt so in the need to sit and talk to someone today... i tried calling a few people. no answers mostly. a certain someone hung up on me, then dumps me to voice mail when i call back. its aggrivating. i dunno. i make myself available for people all the time to talk; and when i want to--- nada. generally no one cares. no one listens. people hang up. truth be told, i miss the kind of conversations i had with someone. hanging around Terri today reminded me of that. relationships arent all about sex and looks; there is infact a big emotional interaction as a part of it. kinda missing that part lately.... kinda bad.
X
gross. i hate peeling. i spent all day in the sun at the rod and custom show in Des Moines with my dad and brother; im paying for it. my mom said its a pretty bad sunburn. grandma even commented on it... and shes having eye surgery soon. . i dunno. it doesnt really hurt. i suppose that could be bad... damaging all the nerve endings and pain receptors. or its good, it just doesnt hurt too much. but now my head is peeling. it itches, and when i touch it, it tends to sting. im expecting the next 3 days to be the most embarassing of it all; when the skin on my scalp and forhead peel and look like i have massive dandruf flakes. goodie. i keep playing with it. i know im supposed to stop poking it. maybe i just think it will stop itching. yeah right.
other than that, i spent the day in iowa city. meetings and such. i thought my job ended a few months ago? nope- they just stop paying me i suppose. its nice seeing some of these people. i lie well. its really aggrivating dealing with them sometimes. theres only so much these people with phD's tend to listen to punk undergrads, and after an hour long meeting in a room; im sure ive used up all my minutes. although im bound to confidentiallity; i can divulge [for those that care] that progress is being made rapidly for the new Director of Residence Services; we've selected down to a small group, about 6 i guess... maybe less.... to bring to campus. but thats as of now. theres a million steps that Affirmative Action Office takes before that happens. 2 people already pulled out of the pool as well. but we do have some good candidates. i was suprised by the quality of a couple. appalled at the quality of a few others. it will be interesting to see where it moves on to in the next few weeks. too bad i miss out on the best part; seeing the end result. im done and gone from the Department in any official sense, and even my name and memory will be ghostly by the time this person takes office. just as well.
also met an EXTREMELY cool person today. Terri in Risk Management Office. i thought she was just a receptionist or clerk; my guess was she wasnt much older than me. damn gina. blonde, blue eyes, gorgeous all over. turns out she is 36. has 2 kids. is married. yeah wow. couldnt have been farther off the mark there, could i? nevertheless; she is very cool. she seems to know damn near everything going on; real open to talking... ended up spending 2.5 hours talking with her for a 10 minute question. turns out shes the Claims person. anytime someone makes a claim of insurance against the university, it pretty much goes through her hands. she had some interesting stories. shes also had an interesting life. hadnt been that into a conversation in a long time. since i met Erin L. really. turns out Terri got married and had kids at 19... didnt work out right, one day got a divorce and decided to go back to college at age 30 something. so she worked fulltime hours 9 to 5, has 2 kids, 2 dogs, a house, and still took college classes. shes pretty amazing. i know people that bitch about school and 10 hours of committment per week... i grumble when the workload hit 30 hours and classes... but ive never had to deal with kids and things like that along with it. total respect in my book for her. kinda funny standing there talking about life to a complete stranger and feeling like the other person understood it all. she did give me some advice, which was also cool of her. felt like advice from mom, but from an older sister or something like that. but, as far as business goes, i got lots of good information for my new pet project. also, the big shit kicker was shes interested in it! that was a feel good thing. she and i have some similar ideas about how to approach this thing at this university and how to remedy some problems. thats about all ill say about the new venture. im keeping it my secret till it gets moving some more, ill have time to do that it looks like; since Student Legal passed me over. i was pretty furious at the moment. still thinking about asking for written reasons why, i cant honestly see people more qualified than i; and i knew everyone in the room interviewing me... only one would have given me a bad rating. yeah. whatever. she can eat asshole. probably still mad about the alcohol discussion pannel that happened in the spring.
iowa city is a strange place. everytime im there i loose track of when it is. [well today was obviously Ho Season, judging by the attire], but i mean i run in to the damndest people all over. Donnice [koosh ball] was in the IMU, so was Piek, Bender, some dude from my Holstein lecture whose name i never learned, on the street i ran into a hall coordinator, a girl from my rhetoric class [yes shes still hot], and a guy from my freshman year floor. scary. worse yet. i saw someone who was an absolute dead ringer for Erin L. i think i would say i know her intimately enough that i would know her or not in a crowd... i swore it was her. she had a total erin outfit on, an erin purse, was on the cell phone constantly, same pink jewel toe ring... i went up and tapped her on the shoulder when she was outside of Subway. she turned around, and it wasnt her. but damn. i was totally fooled. thats scary. if i saw this girl more than 15 paces away, id swear it was her, she looked that much alike. but i felt like a tard when it wasnt her. i think i pissed off the poor girl too. ugly fat men in day light do that i suppose.
aside from that i just had a general feeling of wanting to talk. after starting it up with Terri, i just felt so in the need to sit and talk to someone today... i tried calling a few people. no answers mostly. a certain someone hung up on me, then dumps me to voice mail when i call back. its aggrivating. i dunno. i make myself available for people all the time to talk; and when i want to--- nada. generally no one cares. no one listens. people hang up. truth be told, i miss the kind of conversations i had with someone. hanging around Terri today reminded me of that. relationships arent all about sex and looks; there is infact a big emotional interaction as a part of it. kinda missing that part lately.... kinda bad.
X
Sunday, July 06, 2003
similar to last post, ive been mulling over some of the better voices; oft over looked from the rock/metal world, that people dont make time for in their busy pop and bubble gum shit world. record stores couldnt keep this album on the shelves in the early 80's, now you couldnt push the bullshit rap albums off to make room for it. sad. anyway, Dio shows up on my list. few people in the industry have the set of pipes this man has. hes played with some heavy company in the past [Iommi and co. with Black Sabbath, and was a founding member of Ritchie Blackmores Rainbow], and can still bring it nearly 30 years after getting his break in the music world. for those of you thinking of checking him out... the song below is good one to start with, album wise check out his first 2 with Black Sabbath [Heaven And Hell, and The Mob Rules] {{Dehumanizer, the 3rd album is good for completists}}, and check out Ritchie Blackmores Rainbow [i think thats how it was labeled and marketed on the first 2...] then his best of cd, The Very Beast of Dio, which has all his solo stuff rom 84 to 98ish... excellent stuff.... standout songs--- solo work: Holy Diver, Rainbow In The Dark, Straight Through The Heart Rainbow: Rising, Mistreated [cover of Deep Purple song], Kill The King, Man On Silver Mountain fuckin rawk on! anyway, ill write more later; but check out this song... the riff has been in my head the past couple days, and this song is the sleeper favorite on the Mob Rules album from like 82 or 83... i forget... but the middle choral section seems to be unique to Dio's work, sab' rarely pulled something like that out, Dio makes it a staple in his work. the lyrics are below [even though i detest people that purely post song lyrics as a post], and ARE NOT NECESSARILY AIMED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR! [so consider that before you all get mad at me], just thought id share as i was checking in tonight. i fell in love with a country girl.... da nanananaaa nuh na naaaaa ooooh morning sunshine. ill post more later, time to rock out.
Black Sabbath [version 2.0 with Ronnie James Dio!]
Country Girl from The Mob Rules album
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, yeah
We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever
Left my heart on the other side, all to break it into bits
Her smile was a winter song, a Sabbath ending
Don't sleep or you'll find me gone, just an image in the air
In dreams I think of you
I don't know what to do with myself
Time has let me down
She brings broken dreams, fallen stars
The endless search for where you are
(Sail on, sail on)
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, oh!
Don't sail away on a crimson tide!
Don't leave your heart on the other side!
Her eyes are an endless flame
Desire with a special name
Don't ever fall in love!
Don't give your heart away!
No never, never fall in love with a country girl!
Black Sabbath [version 2.0 with Ronnie James Dio!]
Country Girl from The Mob Rules album
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, yeah
We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever
Left my heart on the other side, all to break it into bits
Her smile was a winter song, a Sabbath ending
Don't sleep or you'll find me gone, just an image in the air
In dreams I think of you
I don't know what to do with myself
Time has let me down
She brings broken dreams, fallen stars
The endless search for where you are
(Sail on, sail on)
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, oh!
Don't sail away on a crimson tide!
Don't leave your heart on the other side!
Her eyes are an endless flame
Desire with a special name
Don't ever fall in love!
Don't give your heart away!
No never, never fall in love with a country girl!
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
ive been playing lots of Chris Cornell lately... soundgarden, the solo cd, plus audio slave... after flipping through mtv this weekend i saw a special on the greatest voices in the music industry, chris ended up like 15th or something stupidly low... below Ja Rule and Eminem, its a travesty. really. Mr. Rule and Mr. M have no talent when it comes to vocal ability; all they have is the ability to rhyme words with speed and efficiency. sure cornell's lyrics may not make much sense or mean a whole lot; but his voice is memorable, more so than just being the guy that sang Black Hole Sun. Fell on Black Days is a better song to hear him on, The Day I Tried To Live is also a good choice.
---
anyway, im not thrilled with work. only a month left, as everyone keeps reminding me. the hours just arent there really. sure i work like a dog; but only 3 days of the week. we might do a 12 hour shift, and the next day im out in 4 hours. its really pointless. the people are asses. horses asses. either they are totaly incompetent or they are so situated in what they do, they arent worth it. i was told how one guy has 25 years experience about 30494 times today. like i give a shit. hes still folding papers and jamming up machines like the rest of us that have been there 3 weeks. doesnt stop him from getting a lecture in at me either. fuck off man. its paper. its loading a machine with paper. its watching the paper move away. it aint open heart surgery, and its not putting men on the moon. who cares how good you think you are at it; just stop bitching about being here 25 years... because all the rest of us hear is someone who should have found another job; or a ball-gag.
this place must be loosing its shirt on our division. we pay 9 people to work during the shift sometimes, 4 are doing the work. 2 are off somewhere else, 3 are sitting around talking. always the same 3. no one seems to care or do much. doesnt make any sense why everyone else busts hump to get work done and they sit. if theyd throw in, wed be done in half the time. forget it. they wouldnt help. then they are the first ones to go home. the rest of us stay there 11 hours. one guy was right; its damn hard to get fired from that place. even ))))) and this will come out wrong (((((( the handicapped cant get fired from there. in a job that requires you to be alert and attentive [not intelligent or able], this woman/girl? is the worst of them all. shes been there atleast a year... so that means with performance increases, shes topping out over 9 bucks an hour... she jams the machines, walks away sits on the ground and crys. doesnt pay attention to directions, gets in the way. and has a cabbage patch doll she brings with everyday. fuck that. ive got to be doing something wrong. i shouldnt pay attention, show up on time after breaks or stay at my machine; because all these other people can get away without doing it.
what else... has to be something positive. law school stuff is comming in now. thats scary. prospectively in a year's time ill be throwing away 25 grand a year, and 18 hours a day to more school. but atleast then ill never have to take orders from ass clowns for 7 bucks an hour, ever again. law school kind of scares me. it means ill have to leave. u of iowa wont take me. they were rejecting gpas less than 3.64 last year, and this year is supposed to be even more competitive. so the only other place in the state is Drake. id go there, i guess. its not top on the list. so then im looking outside the state, and that is going to be a big change for me. one of the front runners now is looking like University of Akron in Ohio. ohio isnt so far away. closer still is John Marshall in Chicago. id like to go there. but for a few private reasons, im not sure if moving to chicago would be my best choice, things need to pan out first. although thats a terrible way of looking at it. it is MY future that im investing in, and i should look at my options based on others futures. but its in the back of my mind. drake is still an option tho. i love one program they have in legislative law. i could see myself ending up doing something like that. not sure i could afford Drake though. wait and see i suppose.
and like that its fucking july allready. this year is moving by pretty fast. last i knew it was still february and snow was on the ground. seansons change so fast anymore i dont really notice them. sad really. never have much of a chance to look around, its always whats going on infront of me that has to hold my attention, never a chance to put everything else in my sights for once. but this year is moving fast. before i know it, its going to be snowing again i guess. lots of things to come before that happens i hope, but its comming. just as sure as its hot and muggy out, the snow is really only days away in iowa. things are like that. its all relative when time moves so fast. so fast.
x
ive been playing lots of Chris Cornell lately... soundgarden, the solo cd, plus audio slave... after flipping through mtv this weekend i saw a special on the greatest voices in the music industry, chris ended up like 15th or something stupidly low... below Ja Rule and Eminem, its a travesty. really. Mr. Rule and Mr. M have no talent when it comes to vocal ability; all they have is the ability to rhyme words with speed and efficiency. sure cornell's lyrics may not make much sense or mean a whole lot; but his voice is memorable, more so than just being the guy that sang Black Hole Sun. Fell on Black Days is a better song to hear him on, The Day I Tried To Live is also a good choice.
---
anyway, im not thrilled with work. only a month left, as everyone keeps reminding me. the hours just arent there really. sure i work like a dog; but only 3 days of the week. we might do a 12 hour shift, and the next day im out in 4 hours. its really pointless. the people are asses. horses asses. either they are totaly incompetent or they are so situated in what they do, they arent worth it. i was told how one guy has 25 years experience about 30494 times today. like i give a shit. hes still folding papers and jamming up machines like the rest of us that have been there 3 weeks. doesnt stop him from getting a lecture in at me either. fuck off man. its paper. its loading a machine with paper. its watching the paper move away. it aint open heart surgery, and its not putting men on the moon. who cares how good you think you are at it; just stop bitching about being here 25 years... because all the rest of us hear is someone who should have found another job; or a ball-gag.
this place must be loosing its shirt on our division. we pay 9 people to work during the shift sometimes, 4 are doing the work. 2 are off somewhere else, 3 are sitting around talking. always the same 3. no one seems to care or do much. doesnt make any sense why everyone else busts hump to get work done and they sit. if theyd throw in, wed be done in half the time. forget it. they wouldnt help. then they are the first ones to go home. the rest of us stay there 11 hours. one guy was right; its damn hard to get fired from that place. even ))))) and this will come out wrong (((((( the handicapped cant get fired from there. in a job that requires you to be alert and attentive [not intelligent or able], this woman/girl? is the worst of them all. shes been there atleast a year... so that means with performance increases, shes topping out over 9 bucks an hour... she jams the machines, walks away sits on the ground and crys. doesnt pay attention to directions, gets in the way. and has a cabbage patch doll she brings with everyday. fuck that. ive got to be doing something wrong. i shouldnt pay attention, show up on time after breaks or stay at my machine; because all these other people can get away without doing it.
what else... has to be something positive. law school stuff is comming in now. thats scary. prospectively in a year's time ill be throwing away 25 grand a year, and 18 hours a day to more school. but atleast then ill never have to take orders from ass clowns for 7 bucks an hour, ever again. law school kind of scares me. it means ill have to leave. u of iowa wont take me. they were rejecting gpas less than 3.64 last year, and this year is supposed to be even more competitive. so the only other place in the state is Drake. id go there, i guess. its not top on the list. so then im looking outside the state, and that is going to be a big change for me. one of the front runners now is looking like University of Akron in Ohio. ohio isnt so far away. closer still is John Marshall in Chicago. id like to go there. but for a few private reasons, im not sure if moving to chicago would be my best choice, things need to pan out first. although thats a terrible way of looking at it. it is MY future that im investing in, and i should look at my options based on others futures. but its in the back of my mind. drake is still an option tho. i love one program they have in legislative law. i could see myself ending up doing something like that. not sure i could afford Drake though. wait and see i suppose.
and like that its fucking july allready. this year is moving by pretty fast. last i knew it was still february and snow was on the ground. seansons change so fast anymore i dont really notice them. sad really. never have much of a chance to look around, its always whats going on infront of me that has to hold my attention, never a chance to put everything else in my sights for once. but this year is moving fast. before i know it, its going to be snowing again i guess. lots of things to come before that happens i hope, but its comming. just as sure as its hot and muggy out, the snow is really only days away in iowa. things are like that. its all relative when time moves so fast. so fast.
x
Monday, June 30, 2003
Current Musical Selection: [with much embarrasment] Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
pat 2
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
Monday, June 23, 2003
no music. just anger. unfettered. unchanned. anger.
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
sorry.
sorry for being the cock-block people. i dont intend to be. im just naturally the third wheel i suppose. just about everywhere ive been in the past month, has lead me into the same predicament. obviously its just safer to assume no one wants me around if there is someone else. but i suppose thats how i got to be on my own again, isnt it?
that was low. a low shot at me. i guess i exagerate my guilt more so than i should about things. but i remember what its like. people can stop looking at me like i dont. yeah. i do remember what its like to come home to someone at night. i might be heartless to you all, but i can remember feeling welcomed by someone else. but what gets me more is why i never realize it at the time. like right now i realize how much i miss having someone around; but a couple months ago something came up that i didnt want to go home to. i dont even remember what happened. it was some kind of fight over something stupid im sure. so i went for a massive walk. id guess the 8 to 10 mile range; i was out for about 4 hours doing nothing but walking. phone was off. even stayed away from major roads and lights when i could. just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. i wanted to stay away from home, where i knew shed be at. by the time i walked back, i saw my light on through the window. i knew i didnt want to go in. so i sat down for a bit. then i got up and walked for another 40 minutes before i could go in. i kept her waiting that long. when i got upstairs, id seen shed fallen asleep with the lights on, laying on the couch waiting for me to come home. thats when i realized i should have come straight home. and im kicking myself for things like that even now. now when it doesnt matter; i suppose; what happened when. just that it matters to me that i wasted something with someone i shouldnt have. and i regret it now. now when i always leave by myself with the feeling of intruding on people and their time together. like its pennance for me not respecting it when i had it.
its funny how we let the ghosts of our past haunt our future. like how i can be terrified by something that happened years ago, that was stupid then, but ill still let it scare me now. dumb things like that keep me up at night.
again, Axl Rose says it all...
All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind
And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I didn't want to meet you
Now there's a hell I can't describe
So now I wander through my day
Trying to find my way
Still these feelings that I felt
I said to you and no one else
And no it's never going to change
I know it's gone, but still I'm used
And that's nice to hang on someone
A change that's bittersweet
That's called the blues
Current Musical Selection: Cryin Sam Collins - Riverside Blues
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Everlast - What Its Like
man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.
its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.
why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...
so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.
ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.
.....
then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].
and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.
the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.
for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.
man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.
its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.
why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...
so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.
ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.
.....
then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].
and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.
the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.
for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.
Monday, June 02, 2003
BLOGGIN 'ROUND THE WORLD
Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
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WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
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Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
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WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
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Sunday, June 01, 2003
nacurh stuff is still comming.... give me a chance people... its was about 20 pages handwritten.. i am trying to edit it down to the highlights... or atleast what i think was more interesting than my usual ramblings. either way, its about half-done. id expect it to post sometime mid-next week or so, if anyone is watching for it explicitly.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
Monday, May 26, 2003
well... im back... NC State blows my nut. take that back.. NC State blows the rotting nuts of squirrels infected with human herpes. nope. NC State is like get hit by a car, then taken to the hospital so a german schieser nurse can shit in the open wound. put those together, and its getting close. nasty school. bad people. terrible conference. ill write more.. i kept a paper log to share with all of you... since NC State had 6 computers. litterally. i went in and out of their library, res halls, and academic buildings.. i found 6 computers total. yeah. so the post will be a massive one spanning the highlights of the paper trail in North Carolina. look for it when i get it typed. other than that.. they say Yall... and Holla'h. and drink shitty super sweetened ice tea. its a terrible place. never go there. i survived. i dunno how.
Monday, May 19, 2003
so well its Monday now, and i havent really done a thing. havent had much time. all the stuff had to be moved out on friday... parents insisted as much, by 11am... left me about 12 hours to sleep and pack [didnt really do either] since my last final exam, then not to mention the 5 hours of files i had to read. since then, everything in my life has sat in a box. everything but what i took with me. and thats not alot. cellphone finally died. sorry if i missed calls. cant find my charger anywhere... ended up driving for an hour, because all i had was my car charger to use. its been interesting, living out of boxes. its not going to change anytime soon. i realized all ive got for now, is what i carried with me. sometimes its disturbing; to think of the things i bothered to take with me. pocket change, pencils, and keys. nothing much out of the ordinary. i did take the time to dig out pictures. not all of them, but certain ones. my desk doesnt look right without a certain one on it. yeah, i know im not supposed to bring it up; but she makes me feel comfortable. having her on my desk makes me more comfortable. makes me think that things maybe didnt happen like they did. that theres a reason for the past few weeks. that i can forget it all, and go back to being happy with her. so having that pictures makes it a bit easier. especially when everything else you own is in a box.
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
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