nacurh stuff is still comming.... give me a chance people... its was about 20 pages handwritten.. i am trying to edit it down to the highlights... or atleast what i think was more interesting than my usual ramblings. either way, its about half-done. id expect it to post sometime mid-next week or so, if anyone is watching for it explicitly.

other things.

life.

interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.

then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.

so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.

i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...

then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.

i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.

then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.

i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.

i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.

that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.

im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?

i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?

i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.