Current Musical Selection: Everlast - What Its Like

man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.

its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.

why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...

so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.

ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.

.....

then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].

and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.

the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.

for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.