Current Musical Selection: Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
ive been playing lots of Chris Cornell lately... soundgarden, the solo cd, plus audio slave... after flipping through mtv this weekend i saw a special on the greatest voices in the music industry, chris ended up like 15th or something stupidly low... below Ja Rule and Eminem, its a travesty. really. Mr. Rule and Mr. M have no talent when it comes to vocal ability; all they have is the ability to rhyme words with speed and efficiency. sure cornell's lyrics may not make much sense or mean a whole lot; but his voice is memorable, more so than just being the guy that sang Black Hole Sun. Fell on Black Days is a better song to hear him on, The Day I Tried To Live is also a good choice.
---
anyway, im not thrilled with work. only a month left, as everyone keeps reminding me. the hours just arent there really. sure i work like a dog; but only 3 days of the week. we might do a 12 hour shift, and the next day im out in 4 hours. its really pointless. the people are asses. horses asses. either they are totaly incompetent or they are so situated in what they do, they arent worth it. i was told how one guy has 25 years experience about 30494 times today. like i give a shit. hes still folding papers and jamming up machines like the rest of us that have been there 3 weeks. doesnt stop him from getting a lecture in at me either. fuck off man. its paper. its loading a machine with paper. its watching the paper move away. it aint open heart surgery, and its not putting men on the moon. who cares how good you think you are at it; just stop bitching about being here 25 years... because all the rest of us hear is someone who should have found another job; or a ball-gag.
this place must be loosing its shirt on our division. we pay 9 people to work during the shift sometimes, 4 are doing the work. 2 are off somewhere else, 3 are sitting around talking. always the same 3. no one seems to care or do much. doesnt make any sense why everyone else busts hump to get work done and they sit. if theyd throw in, wed be done in half the time. forget it. they wouldnt help. then they are the first ones to go home. the rest of us stay there 11 hours. one guy was right; its damn hard to get fired from that place. even ))))) and this will come out wrong (((((( the handicapped cant get fired from there. in a job that requires you to be alert and attentive [not intelligent or able], this woman/girl? is the worst of them all. shes been there atleast a year... so that means with performance increases, shes topping out over 9 bucks an hour... she jams the machines, walks away sits on the ground and crys. doesnt pay attention to directions, gets in the way. and has a cabbage patch doll she brings with everyday. fuck that. ive got to be doing something wrong. i shouldnt pay attention, show up on time after breaks or stay at my machine; because all these other people can get away without doing it.
what else... has to be something positive. law school stuff is comming in now. thats scary. prospectively in a year's time ill be throwing away 25 grand a year, and 18 hours a day to more school. but atleast then ill never have to take orders from ass clowns for 7 bucks an hour, ever again. law school kind of scares me. it means ill have to leave. u of iowa wont take me. they were rejecting gpas less than 3.64 last year, and this year is supposed to be even more competitive. so the only other place in the state is Drake. id go there, i guess. its not top on the list. so then im looking outside the state, and that is going to be a big change for me. one of the front runners now is looking like University of Akron in Ohio. ohio isnt so far away. closer still is John Marshall in Chicago. id like to go there. but for a few private reasons, im not sure if moving to chicago would be my best choice, things need to pan out first. although thats a terrible way of looking at it. it is MY future that im investing in, and i should look at my options based on others futures. but its in the back of my mind. drake is still an option tho. i love one program they have in legislative law. i could see myself ending up doing something like that. not sure i could afford Drake though. wait and see i suppose.
and like that its fucking july allready. this year is moving by pretty fast. last i knew it was still february and snow was on the ground. seansons change so fast anymore i dont really notice them. sad really. never have much of a chance to look around, its always whats going on infront of me that has to hold my attention, never a chance to put everything else in my sights for once. but this year is moving fast. before i know it, its going to be snowing again i guess. lots of things to come before that happens i hope, but its comming. just as sure as its hot and muggy out, the snow is really only days away in iowa. things are like that. its all relative when time moves so fast. so fast.
x
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Monday, June 30, 2003
Current Musical Selection: [with much embarrasment] Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
pat 2
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
Monday, June 23, 2003
no music. just anger. unfettered. unchanned. anger.
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
sorry.
sorry for being the cock-block people. i dont intend to be. im just naturally the third wheel i suppose. just about everywhere ive been in the past month, has lead me into the same predicament. obviously its just safer to assume no one wants me around if there is someone else. but i suppose thats how i got to be on my own again, isnt it?
that was low. a low shot at me. i guess i exagerate my guilt more so than i should about things. but i remember what its like. people can stop looking at me like i dont. yeah. i do remember what its like to come home to someone at night. i might be heartless to you all, but i can remember feeling welcomed by someone else. but what gets me more is why i never realize it at the time. like right now i realize how much i miss having someone around; but a couple months ago something came up that i didnt want to go home to. i dont even remember what happened. it was some kind of fight over something stupid im sure. so i went for a massive walk. id guess the 8 to 10 mile range; i was out for about 4 hours doing nothing but walking. phone was off. even stayed away from major roads and lights when i could. just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. i wanted to stay away from home, where i knew shed be at. by the time i walked back, i saw my light on through the window. i knew i didnt want to go in. so i sat down for a bit. then i got up and walked for another 40 minutes before i could go in. i kept her waiting that long. when i got upstairs, id seen shed fallen asleep with the lights on, laying on the couch waiting for me to come home. thats when i realized i should have come straight home. and im kicking myself for things like that even now. now when it doesnt matter; i suppose; what happened when. just that it matters to me that i wasted something with someone i shouldnt have. and i regret it now. now when i always leave by myself with the feeling of intruding on people and their time together. like its pennance for me not respecting it when i had it.
its funny how we let the ghosts of our past haunt our future. like how i can be terrified by something that happened years ago, that was stupid then, but ill still let it scare me now. dumb things like that keep me up at night.
again, Axl Rose says it all...
All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind
And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I didn't want to meet you
Now there's a hell I can't describe
So now I wander through my day
Trying to find my way
Still these feelings that I felt
I said to you and no one else
And no it's never going to change
I know it's gone, but still I'm used
And that's nice to hang on someone
A change that's bittersweet
That's called the blues
Current Musical Selection: Cryin Sam Collins - Riverside Blues
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Everlast - What Its Like
man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.
its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.
why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...
so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.
ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.
.....
then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].
and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.
the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.
for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.
man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.
its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.
why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...
so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.
ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.
.....
then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].
and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.
the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.
for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.
Monday, June 02, 2003
BLOGGIN 'ROUND THE WORLD
Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, June 01, 2003
nacurh stuff is still comming.... give me a chance people... its was about 20 pages handwritten.. i am trying to edit it down to the highlights... or atleast what i think was more interesting than my usual ramblings. either way, its about half-done. id expect it to post sometime mid-next week or so, if anyone is watching for it explicitly.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
Monday, May 26, 2003
well... im back... NC State blows my nut. take that back.. NC State blows the rotting nuts of squirrels infected with human herpes. nope. NC State is like get hit by a car, then taken to the hospital so a german schieser nurse can shit in the open wound. put those together, and its getting close. nasty school. bad people. terrible conference. ill write more.. i kept a paper log to share with all of you... since NC State had 6 computers. litterally. i went in and out of their library, res halls, and academic buildings.. i found 6 computers total. yeah. so the post will be a massive one spanning the highlights of the paper trail in North Carolina. look for it when i get it typed. other than that.. they say Yall... and Holla'h. and drink shitty super sweetened ice tea. its a terrible place. never go there. i survived. i dunno how.
Monday, May 19, 2003
so well its Monday now, and i havent really done a thing. havent had much time. all the stuff had to be moved out on friday... parents insisted as much, by 11am... left me about 12 hours to sleep and pack [didnt really do either] since my last final exam, then not to mention the 5 hours of files i had to read. since then, everything in my life has sat in a box. everything but what i took with me. and thats not alot. cellphone finally died. sorry if i missed calls. cant find my charger anywhere... ended up driving for an hour, because all i had was my car charger to use. its been interesting, living out of boxes. its not going to change anytime soon. i realized all ive got for now, is what i carried with me. sometimes its disturbing; to think of the things i bothered to take with me. pocket change, pencils, and keys. nothing much out of the ordinary. i did take the time to dig out pictures. not all of them, but certain ones. my desk doesnt look right without a certain one on it. yeah, i know im not supposed to bring it up; but she makes me feel comfortable. having her on my desk makes me more comfortable. makes me think that things maybe didnt happen like they did. that theres a reason for the past few weeks. that i can forget it all, and go back to being happy with her. so having that pictures makes it a bit easier. especially when everything else you own is in a box.
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
Friday, May 16, 2003
LAST ONE
well this is the last post from my dorm room.. parents are insisting i leave hear at 9:30 am... the day after ive done 4 finals, stayed up till 5am reading garbage; and ofcourse, before i have a chance to write much... i will when i get home... just dont have the time to say what i need to. but for now its goodbye. i will honestly miss everyone around here; remember that i spent 3 years in this building, 2 in the same year, so its been a long haul. lot of faces went, but some of them stayed. so it was a trip. to everyone else that might read this; ill be in dport most of the summer. i take possession of the apartment in august here, so ill be back in iowa city then.. but ill explain it more later. wish there were other words i cut scratch out that would make it all make sense... right now nothing makes sense though. especially not moving out this early in the morning. email me people... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu because im gone.
ain't it fun~
s.
well this is the last post from my dorm room.. parents are insisting i leave hear at 9:30 am... the day after ive done 4 finals, stayed up till 5am reading garbage; and ofcourse, before i have a chance to write much... i will when i get home... just dont have the time to say what i need to. but for now its goodbye. i will honestly miss everyone around here; remember that i spent 3 years in this building, 2 in the same year, so its been a long haul. lot of faces went, but some of them stayed. so it was a trip. to everyone else that might read this; ill be in dport most of the summer. i take possession of the apartment in august here, so ill be back in iowa city then.. but ill explain it more later. wish there were other words i cut scratch out that would make it all make sense... right now nothing makes sense though. especially not moving out this early in the morning. email me people... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu because im gone.
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
//// REVISITED ////
does this look familiar?:::::
EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]
Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-
A Simple Dedication
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
...
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
---------------------------------
stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.
but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.
like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.
im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.
so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.
reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.
but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.
i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.
i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.
ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.
im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.
so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.
does this look familiar?:::::
EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]
Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-
A Simple Dedication
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
...
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
---------------------------------
stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.
but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.
like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.
im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.
so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.
reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.
but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.
i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.
i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.
ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.
im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.
so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)