so where to begin.

the entire situation that i held in check just went ballistic last week on me. its not a secret that ive had feelings for someone, and its also not a secret id knock myself out if id try harder to be a friend or be around for her. i guess, i didnt make that all so evident to her. i dunno. the issue was guy wants girl. girl says no, im not ready for something like that. guy says, ill wait. guy does everything possible to be the best friend there is for six months. girl calls says something about how her and guy have been trying to date, and she wants to see him before she leaves for a month. things go well. girl leaves for a month. girl comes back, tells guy "i have someone else," guy is crushed. guy.... guy doesnt always handle shit falling apart so well in his life at the moment. large exchange of email and thoughts and emotions transpire between guy and girl. guy and girl decided there were alot of miscomunications. but so far, havent resolved much. there. thats it. now... lets talk about what really happened for me that day.

after getting an email from her, telling me that shed started a relationship with someone else; i felt terrible. just. fits. heartbroken. because, one, i really, really like this girl. two, i did the right thing. i took the mature road, and said ill wait for you until you are ready to talk about an "us" factor, and made sure that she stayed a priority for me to keep in touch with. besides. its not an act. i feel like she and i really have potential, and have alot in common that draws us back together. caring about her is the easiest thing ive ever done. alot of lesser males my age, would have walked. shruggs, "you dont want me" shruggs, and theyd leave. call me crazy, but i feel like there is something about this one that makes me want to stay and keep trying. since the day i met her, there were signs and things that popped up that i didnt clue into, until i realized her for being her. by then, it was july. and really too late for me. instead of saying nothing. i told her. i hauled her out of bed, a day before i moved away, held her hand and looked her in the eyes and told her everything i wanted to say. it was absolutely the right thing to do. until this past week, i was absolutely committed to the idea of being better friends every day, and staying as close to her as i could, and let her life happen and let her let me know when she was ready to say how she felt or what she wanted to do. all that flashed up in about 10 seconds. and i sat up, all night. i couldnt sleep. i tried. i couldnt think about anything more than how this was fucked up, and how it wasnt right. things just SHOULDNT happen like this now. they shouldnt.

so about 4am, i showered, got ready for work, and sat and gave her a rambling, exhausted email about my feelings. remember. this is a guy that really cared deep down about this girl. and shit just hasnt been right in my life lately. so i dumped alot of emotion into it. then started my shitsteamed day at work early. god i wish i didnt. im reminded in the car about my payment thats due that day, about insurance on it due that next week, and general bills floating on my dash board to put in the mail. i remind myself how much i hate this job one last time, before i swallow it and walk into the building, forcing a smile when i was just numb inside. the battle starts at 8:05am. where i ask my supervisor for some time to discuss 4 accounts, so that i could get out before noon to the customers with answers. im told, "in a bit". 8:15, "after Laurie" 8:41, "couple things with Kristy first kid", 9:22 "customer issues ive got to get to", 10:13 "i have a demo at 10:30 to get ready for, after that Scottyman", 11:00 "i need to sit down and talk to Don about this" 11:44 "youre next after a potty break, 12:03 "im getting there, sit in my office ill be there, 12:39 i finally get to see him. all the while i have to keep making excuses to these customers why i cant get there with answers as fast i should be. numbness is setting in. i feel sick. people notice that i take down the two pictures i had up in my cube. 2 co workers are shocked by the story i tell. none of which should have happened, because i should have been out and making myself so busy i couldnt think about it.

but the meeting, which should take 3 minutes, drags on for 25. i get berated about my cold calls... not enough, not the right places, not enough interest, not enough appointments, youll never make, you arent doing anything right... on and on. my buttons keep getting pushed. my respones are very short. im getting hot. im digging my fingers into my legs. its going back and forth. all i keep hearing is "relation based sales are what makes it in this industry" and my mind just keeps going back to where, honestly, it should. the one relationship i want to keep, that i lost. anyway, i keep hearing more about how this is wrong, how im not as good as the other reps, and how we should sit and go through every cold call i make from now on, to make sure im doing them. i lost it. i stand up, throw my files down, and walk. i told him, that im in no mood to talk about lost opportunites, instead i want to salvage something out of my day. he never asks. he just demands that we go back to it again after lunch. im so frustrated when i take my coat and keys, im nearly fighting back tears. and ill admit that this one time. ive never been so close to striking someone out of sheer rage. but. when i get to the car, all i see are bills on my dashboard to pay, and the sinking sensation that i might not have the cash to cover them. besides which. i was bitched out for nothing. and my real problem is the email i got that morning and the person i lost.

i drive. faster than i should. i get about a mile from work, and the gas gauge goes off.... 20 miles to empty. i look through my wallet at the stop light to find, all i had was plastic. i had no cash on hand. i refuse to charge gas. and all my cash is at home. i know i have none in the bank when those bills go out. and im out of gas. all i have is that check book. at that stop light, i realized. im out of gas as a person. just fuming. thats all i have. im in a job that i hate. that i cant make any money at. im broke. i have outstanding debt to pay for a degree thats not getting me anywhere. i have to live at home bcause i cant afford to move out. and i just lost the one person that i wanted. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate where im at. i hate that nothing, nothing works for me. everything is constantly against me right now. and even the one person that used to make me smile and laugh about it, doesnt even want to give me a chance that i deserved.

i take the next right, and end up at a church. i walk out of the jeep to the rear. i take my steel shovel. and i walk to the back corner of the church lot and start taking apart a tree. if i could have done it with my hands, i would have. it would have felt better. but it just frustrated me more. that i had to have a tool to do it. that i was the tool in this. that everything i want to have, keeps using me. anger issues? maybe. but i needed it. in disgust i throw down the shovel. i walk inside. why i dont know. but i guess because i realized my problem wasnt with that tree. my problem wasnt with my life. my problem was with the one who made that tree, and who keeps giving me this life. so march in. i throw open the doors. a wide eyed pastor gives me alook from an office as i go straight to the sanctuary, take off my coat. and just let it out. my anger. my frustrations. my issues with why i cant have a lick of luck. why i cant have what i worked for. why i cant have the girl of my dreams. why bother to fucking dangle that out there to drag me through it all and not let me get it. why frustrate me. why anger me. why test me to want to believe in a person that cant allow me to be happy. or to have some measure of what they want. why humble a person to the breaking point or beyond. what the hell did i do to deserve any of it. but the truth is, i dont even remember what i said. i yelled a few times. i was angry. but mostly it was just angry words and im sure it had to do with all of that. i sat in a pew. and didnt say anything for a few minutes. then took my coat and left.

i called my mother. told her i wanted to quit. she reminded me i couldnt afford to. i reminded her i cant afford not to. it stale mated. i get back in the jeep. drive to a gas station, make out a check for 20 dollars i fully know would bounce. then tried calling a few friends. no one really answered. and i knew i had to go back. it just wont end for me.

at the office i go back into the fire, and get it all over again. another 20 minutes of it before i take my things, keep my tail low. and walk out. not a word from me. just nods yes or no. at this point im just too defeated by it all to care to fight it. i go deal with customers for the remaining hours of my day by phone. i take my share of dagger eyes from the boss. i remind myself about why im unhappy by the big hole over my phone where a picture was until that morning. and every call i made the rest of the day, i looked at it.

im finally allowed to leave. never before 5:15 in the real world time zones. to drive for a bit and just be numb. i get home. try to talk to a couple friends. then just try as hard as i can to shut it out, and make myself go to sleep. ofcourse it doesnt work. and i lie awake most of that night too. thinking about everything.

thats really all i want to say about that day. because, people out there are going to say... OOOOH its not so bad. OOOOOH theres other girls. OOOOH youll be better tomorrow. OOOOOH what a woman worth anyway. i dont care. to me. this was it. this to me, was as bad as its been. i hate myself. i feel worthless. ive been dumped by email by the girl of my dreams. im told im a failure at my job. im broke. and i cant stand it anymore. thats what that day was about.

for those that worry. dont. that was last week. its over. im done with it. i got paid on monday. so dont send me money. dont ask me to prune trees for you. dont give me the crap about how i dont need a girl anyway. because thats crap. this blog, was never intended to be about crap. it was never intended to get sympathy. it was always about a sick kind of therapy for myself thats shared with everyone else.

this weekend, i spent alot of time comprising an email to her about it all. shes been replying. and i guess its not right. but it is how it is. she says she didnt know that how i felt about her. she says she would never have cut me off if i had feelings and she knew about it, because she does care how i feel. and i tell her honestely, that if i was weird for doing what i did, than i appologize; but i did it to give her room and still keep that avenue open in the only ways i could. esepcially when i respect her and do care about her. weve kind of ended up with an email exchange that runs the gammit of sorry's. and the exchanges of the "i do care about you's" . but really, the only question on my mind is this... i know i care about her. and now i know she cares about me. she knows i care about her. then why isnt there a "we" ? and i havent asked her that. i dont want to ask that of myself. becasue the answer should be, "there is no reason." i feel bad that this whole thing became such a mess because of me. that it starts, i guess, with me wanting to verify someone else starts a relationship. she said she never knew. and oddly enough, the very reason i ever took her that night and made my confession to her about my feelings, was so that she would know. so that i would never get in a position where my feelings get hurt because i never told her them. and here i am. i think, honestly, that we have a better understanding now. i think that could help in the future. i think, im just trying really hard to be happy for her. but i think im also slowly going crazy. but thats not changing how much i dislike my job. or my life. or my luck. i guess thats alot of what i wanted to say.

its about relation based sales and opportunites. its about doing what you have to keep up those relationships you think are worth it. ultimately, no one else knows that importance more than you. no one can tell me i did the wrong thing. and no one, with much conviction in their voice, will tell me i did the right thing. but i believe in doing the right thing. i believe in doing the right course of action. sometimes i also beleiving in following my heart when i think it matters. i think she does matter. i think this job doesnt. i think my life has to change. especially if it doesnt.

i really need to write in this.

i really, really do.

i just dealt with something, that i think was wrong. that. really bothered me. then i went out, and kept talking until maybe its somewhat fixed. needless to say this is complicated. it involves someone i definitely want in my life. and maybe they dont want to be in it. maybe they do. its just not easy to say anything.

all i can say is, i really, really need to write about it and vent some.. and i just cant. i hate this shitty job and the time it takes, and how tired i am after a day of it. i just want 2 things right now. i want some money. and i really want to have someone in my life for me. is that so much to ask? is it really?

well another record set. 6 people knew it was my birthday. 1 should have known.

i knew as far as work goes, friday was going to be rough. the day before i went out on a job interview with Palmer college, so most of that was still swimming around my head... according to them, i should hear back monday about the status of it. im very hopeful. anyway. i knew at somepoint, id get "talked to" about everything job related. and honestly. it was my birthday, its not like i was going to do a hell of alot. timing couldnt have been better. i slinked my way through most of it, but the dreaded hour before quitting time, i get drug into the corner office. they let me have it about everything and anything. how i dont have quality cold calls in, how i dont get the requisite number of appointments, how i havent sold anything. you get the picture. even phrases like "testing your fortitude as a man" were used. i think i glazed over after 10 minutes. and it just kept right on coming. on my birthday. when he was done with that portion, he tried to break it down like i was 7. eventually the madness ended and i could go home. and sometimes i really think, how was i excited to get this job again? friday went like that.

as for the good news... like 6 people managed to wish me a happy birthday, which was a definite improvement. i think for the last few years, id run about a steady 3, and generally speaking 1 would always be my mom. so a hearfelt thanks to those of you who did, it actually was really appreciated after what i sat through friday afternoon. people always like knowing what i got. well... i got a deck of napoleon dynamite playing cards. and a napoleon key chain that kicks back lines. mmm 2 sweaters. knight rider season 2 on dvd. haha, and a box of fresh krispy kreme chocolate donuts. appearantly, this exercise idea wont start until after i clean that out. so yeah. so far, im just hoping for good news tomorrow. i think that would be a great present.

well... now that new years has come and gone... now comes the last holiday of the winter for me. my birthday. normally, id take this space to make up some rant about the past year. or what i expect from the coming year. or something of that nature. i dont know that i really feel like doing that this time. i just dont know why. alot of things are different this year. i cant say im thrilled about any one thing in particualr thats happened. but. i know that deep down there are alot of things im somewhat happy about. like the jeep. while im not happy about mega premiums on car insurance, or 275 a month in payments, i AM happy to have it. its one of those vehicles i should have owned along time ago. it fits me. and as far as im concerned i like it alot. take my job. while i hate it. and while it doesnt pay me squat. its a definite step up. as far as real world jobs. i guess, i can say im learning alot about how business gets done on a level above hourly minions. its gritty. its difficult. and its not altogether rewarding. but. its a different situation than where i was a year ago. kinda. i mean. i guess im still schilling copiers and warranties... but the price point has changed... take my nonexistent love life. i think that, a year ago i was pretty well considering giving up. this year im only moderately considering giving it up. in all honesty, its not really any different, but its a mental outlook that changed a bit. i thought, that after what i went through wtih a certain someone, and several others, id seen enough of the writing to know the story. and maybe i have. but i went out and took a chance on someone this summer that might be something for me. i just dont know. the difference is this year i took a chance again, instead of letting it go by. this year i walked up to her late at night and told her how i felt, because i felt it. period. while i can say that nothings really ended up all happy faces and hearts; its not terrible i guess. she didnt scream at me. she cried for the right reasons. but like everything else this year, im stuck in the middle of somewhere... somewhere between where i was coming from and to somewhere i want to be. with my car its not a brand new bmw. but its mine, and its nice enough. with my job, im not making any money, im stressed out and i hate it, but i dont do bathrooms or move pallets or polish floors, i deal only with the job now. and thats moving closer to a real job. with my relationships. yes, i want this girl really badly. but im not there yet. so far she hasnt decided that she really wants much to do with me. but im not done with her yet. for the first time, she used the word "date" and me in the same sentence when we were setting up plans. thats progress. and as we see in iraq, new orleans, and other places, progress takes alot of time to unfold. even if im unhappy. even if i hate my life as it is. even if im so poor that the only way to live is move back home; its about progress. its about moving forward. its about me, wanting to get somewhere that i want to be. if thats the plush leather seat of a car, if thats a glossy finished oak executive board room, or if thats holding some redheads hand and watching her smile; then thats where i want to progress to. its not about sitting here. its not about hating my life. its about getting to the point where i dont hate it anymore. and thats what i guess, i want to remember about this year.

deep down, i have to say something about my birthday. i have to say that every year it does seem more and more like a farce than the year before. each year, it gets harder to sit around a dinner table with my parents, and open a box with socks, one with a shirt, and one with some kind of candy. it gets harder to look at a frosted cake and feel like its all a meaningful step in my life. ... .... ... when i was a kid, i ran around all excited about cake and being an idiot. when i got a bit older, it became about the toys i could ask for and get. when i got older still, it became a reason to get new clothes or to go out to eat. the last couple it became a chance to see some friends. and this year, im just looking for some purpose for it. if this is going to be a year i remember for progress, then a birthday cant be about cake, or toys, or clothes. it cant have much to do about friends. its got to have something to do with me, and what im going to end up with. turning 25 is one of my last steps in the life plan i had for myself, where i can still have flexibility about my life. after this, im going to be more rigidly constrained. im at the point where a solid percentage are married. in the next year or so, its going to be a majority. and where will i be? this year, most of my friends are getting into jobs for careers sakes. in the next couple its going to be a career payscale and responsibility. and where will i be? right now my friends are starting to group and cluster off. their own lives are rapidly becoming more important than their friends IN their lives. in the next couple of years, friends like me will get factored out almost entirely. and where will i be? its alot to think about. alot more than looking at pink candles aglow on a chocolate cake. because each year i blow out more candles, i blow out more chances for my own life. some day, that cake will have 90 on it. and then what? ill stop and say how the years flew by or something slight, but in reality, it happened one year at a time. it happened each time i stopped to look at that cake.

so then what is it that i want this year? i know, but i dont know. i know that i dont want to be left behind. i know that i dont want every year to end up like this one. i dont know how im supposed to go about changing things, and i dont know where im going to be next year. but i know what i want eventually. i think. and i suppose that a place to start. and i know where i am at now. i know that i dont want to be the guy, sitting in his car, eating taco bell looking at everyone elses life and wishing it was his own. i know that when i sit there on my lunch hour, and see the good looking girls jogging past, or pushing strollers of kids, i know that someday i hope thats my good looking girl out jogging, or pushing a stroller full of kids, while im out at lunch. i hope that someday, its not like it is today for me.

well... another christmas is over and done. i think this is the first year i can remember that i didnt get a bunch of junk. which im glad. i also didnt get a lot of good stuff either. this year was pretty much the year of my sister and her house. everyone else kinda paled in comparison to it. my parents got her new appliances for the house, plus normal stuff. really hard when you are up against that. i got a hawkeye tie, two dress shirts, hawkeye monopoly and a couple dvds' but really that was about it. i told my parents there wasnt much i really wanted anymore. which is a lie of sorts. there is plenty that i want. just. its stuff they cant really go out and buy for me. i really want a new job. that pays money. i want a girlfriend. id like a best friend. id go for a place to live. maybe it would be nice to get those loans absolved. stuff like that. so while the ps2 games and clothes, and things with batteries flew about. i was pretty much forgotten about 20 minutes after it began. which. in retrospect might be a good thing. sometimes its easier to be forgotten, than to be remembered and have to languish about. its a simpler fate to quickly dissolve than to be the one lump left in the glass. so. .... well i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. i keep thinking how jealous i am of other people. school friends that dont have to do shit for weeks, friends out in california, someone flies out for london tomorrow, and just others with real careers. and im still sitting here, rotting in my parents basement, hoping that tomorrow never comes. i really am not doing well with this job. maybe its a reflection of me, and maybe is just reflecting on me. but. this is not what i want to do with my life. on friday i found out i lost a bid for a copier with a current [now former] customer. it was about the only deal i had going for me. she didnt even bother to give me a reason. and i had to call her 4 times to get the answer that i didnt want. now dont get me wrong, the deal would have only been worth about 120 dollars to me... [3 dollars per month over 42 months], but. it still makes me mad. in 60 days now, ive not managed to come up with a single sale that ive prospected for. ive crashed about 400 business and churches for nothing. this was one that came to me from my boss. and his words were "well, its unfortunate that she decided against us." then we went back to adding up his sales for the year. i got to sit at my empty cube, and stamp my empty commission form to send to payroll. sigh. no body wants to buy copiers now. and they dont want someone going around door to door. i wouldnt. but thats appearantly how this place thinks we need to do business. it just doesnt make much cents for me. they pay me something pathetic like 1,300 per month, then hit that up the ass with taxes, insurance and the like, and i take home about 1,000 or so. they wont pay for mileage for me. last month i put on almost 2,600 miles. i lost count how many tanks of gas at 40 dollars a pop. figure i fill up 3 times a week, and that adds up to 120 dollar a week. thats almost 500 per month. half my net pay goes into gasoline. just short of 300 is my car payment. about 80 for credit card and cell phone. and you can see why i say it doesnt make cents for me. tomorrow, i end up in clinton all day, in the area where this deal fell through. trying to talk to former customers about god-knows-what. i just dont see it. i guess the worst part is, its the only job ive found out there. aside from a mcdonalds type place. i dunno. i always thought that at 25, with a college degree, id make more than i did when i was 17, and still in high school. but im not. some things never change. like never looking forward to getting back to the world after a holiday. like never getting anything back out of life. like ... like putting your time and effort into trying to make something work, and watching it just fly away. without a word. it bugs me. that in more than just a shitty job failing to sell shitty copiers, im failing alot more than than. im really struggling with getting on into a real life. the transition from family owned life, into the fledgling my-own-life in school, has given away to the groudning of i-hate-my-life life. which really is just like the family-owned life, but it strips away your dignity, income, and adds 10 years to your life. merry christmas for opening that bag of presents. the one marked "life" should have been left in the car. at this point. im looking for a way out. a ripcord to pull. a place to jump off. and hopefully a place to jump into . i cant see myself doing this much longer. the entire thing.... the living at home, the i cant hardly pay my bills on my fulltime salary, and the being lonely and single separation blues feeling. i guess what i should have written on my list for christmas this year, was a bit of compasison... a splash of sex, and doseage of utility for myself. its not that im completely inadept. i hope. its just this life is not letting me do anything that im comfortable doing, or good at doing. appearantly, im not good a selling 60,000 dollar copiers... appearantly, im not good at convincing even one girl that id like her to take me seriously. appearantly, i still dont have motivation, eagerness, attentiveness, and all those other things my parents said i was lacking. ofcourse, none of them were under the tree for me this year either. alot of things werent.

well... all i can say is... wtf damon? for those of you that dont care, johnny damon signed with the yankees late last night. when i found out today i was pissed. i cant believe it. how can boston let him go, but... moreover how can they let him go to the yankees of all places. geezus. another 84 years before a second title is what im calling.

im not sure what to say about the last couple days. work pisses me off. im under quota. im not getting appointments. im not selling anything. im not even genereating interested parties. im not happy. and its just not going to get much better in the immediate future. sigh.

some good news. well im not even really sure what to say. obviously i want to say something, but. i just dont know how. sarah and i actually broke down and found a time to get together yesterday. which, i really enjoyed. it just seems so rediculously hard to sit down with her. i think it was something like 3 full months since id seen her. i HATE that. regardless of what she thinks. i hate it. it just drives me crazy that i cant see one of the few people i want to see. i dont even really care why... but we both have garbage for schedules. i dunno. i think. mmm just thinking outloud... that she probably thinks im crazy. that im way out there that i try too hard. or just something about me isnt quite right. thats fair. it really is. im sure there isnt something quite right with me. but. .. you know. if im going to turn 25 in a few days; i know that my family life expectancy is running out. men on my fathers side tend not to make it much beyond 70. quite a few even earlier. realistically, ive got 1/3 of my life down. and after the types of relationships and situations ive been through, i dont want to end up where ive been. i want to end up with someone; but. im through trying to get into a relationship to have one. in certain words, which, i guess i didnt state exactly, i want to try relationships that matter, with people that matter to me. and i cant stop thinking that ive got to do this. ive got to be nuts and crazy and schizo if thats what it takes. because for whatever reason, i think there is something to be there. thats nothing she wants to talk about. not an idea, that she even appears to entertain. she wants to have fun. she wants to be young. she doesnt want someone like me. maybe thats a bit harsh. i guess from what we've talked about its probably not all together wrong though. but the truth is; i dont care. i guess i am crazy. im crazy about what i think about. shes very different from all the other girls ive been around. but i just get this vibe and this itch at the back of my head that says, that ive just got to go for it this time. i just have to. so . i dunno. maybe if im a bit overboard. maybe she understands where its coming from. shes gorgeous. shes funny. shes easy to talk with. shes understanding. and there is alot of common experiences between us that just work for our benefit. i dont know where im going with this. we had lunch. i had fun. i even got her something for christmas. which... yes. maybe was a little much. but... sometimes it takes a little much, a little crazy, to get noticed. sometimes you have to get totally off your rocker for someone to take you serious.

well i have to say... i really hate this job. not only was i forced to spend the day in greater Clinton, Iowa... which id never been in before... but i was also left on my own to do a proposal for a half way important customer... ive never done it on my own. and no one seemed to care. including the customer. who decided to come up with the "ill let you know, dont bother calling" i was pissed. driving around, trying not to get lost. it was fucking cold out. i decided to park, and just walk, rather than drive every couple blocks and get out.... so im out walking about 8 blocks from my car, when one nameless cpa [since his name is his business name, hint] decided to shove my business card back at me at the incredibly perfect angle to make it a saw blade. nor did he seem to care that it was a gushing paper cut. he was mad that i was bleeding in his "store" so freezing to death, walking down the street, thumb dripping blood, trying to find places to go to; i kinda realized how much i hate my life. my feet were never dry. these stupid dress shoes just leak like sandals. i felt like a 4 year old, that gets windburn from being outside, and its not even to the real portion of an iowa winter. and im standing on a street corner, hand bleeding, wet feet, cold, and generally hating what im doing. its just one of those things i used to read about where some epiphany besets the character.... or some major plot twist comes about... but im just standing on a street corner, of small, technologically defunct iowa town, with wet feet and a bloody thumb. sometimes i wonder what it would look like on paper. what kind of a hero has a story like this? who can say they are proud to be the person in my position? i stopped to sit on the bench outside of a bank somewhere on North 2nd street, and just wished i could be 3 years old again. the age where nothing ever sucks. nothing bad happens. everyday seems like your birthday. lately, ive been having about the same nightmare every day, and its this job. i thought to myself whats got to change... because i hate this job, and this way of doing it. i guess i could have sat thinking about it all day... but my mind kept wandering. to the frozen blood on my thumb, and my slowly numbing toes, to the life i want to have. and how none of this gets me anywhere. i made the mistake the other day at lunch of mentioning how i felt about myself... in my normal, tactful way, i said "and ive really become a great success. i live in my parents basement, i have this shitty job, really no friends, and i can honstely say i hate my life" im not looking for sympathy. im just looking for a way out. occasionally people would stop and look at me on the bench. it was snowing, and i was wearing a black coat in the middle of a slate grey scene. i watched the water from the mississippi river, just over the bluff, look as grey and as bottomless as id ever seen it. with all the ice chunks floating in it; it reminded me that its not choked entirely yet. not yet. there is still some movement... some parts that resist... but slowly, its all becoming the wasteland of the middle of winter. the frozen slate that ends everything for a season. i just wondered how long winter is going to last for me this year.. bloody thumbs, and cold feet are supposed to add up to something. for something. right? because thats how it would end in a book.... the waters would thaw. the sun could come out. and the hero would get to walk out into the quickening spring. the realism underlying it all, is that winter hasnt even truely set in for me yet. the winter that will be my discontent.

for all my baseball nerd bretheren out there... a little game of catch up...

just a few short weeks into the heavy traffic of the off season, the red sox are getting an F from me in the deals department...

the key players to deal with....

j. damon - still not signed or cut loose. still no trades or deals done to secure a "what the hell happens if" plan if he cant get re-signed... no lead off, no centerfield...

k. millar - atleast he understands hes not wanted back. this was good.

b. mueller - awful. sounds like boston never even gave him an offer... and he just signed with the dodgers this week...

j. olerud - appearantly retired. no fan fare. no official statements the man WITHOUT a thousands words is living up to it again. but no aquisitions have been made to replace him.

m. ramierez - he still wants out. still no deals pending.

we also have made 2 deals so far... picking up josh beckett and mikey lowell... and picking up some minor leaguer for letting go of renteria...

all in all... this is bad news. we have more players jumping ship than we have deals coming in. we lost the best farm system product we had, we let go of a gold glove shortstop to make our questionable infield downright disasterous... instead of just finding a first baseman and resigning a third; we now have downgraded at third, failed to sign a secondbaseman, and have huge holes with no promise at short and first. we dealt our back up catcher away, leaving us only 'Tek... we have only 3 outfielders... of which one wants out, and the other isnt signing up right away... and weve added a 4th spot rotation man, but have done nothing with our bullpen. this is not good. NOT GOOD. judging by the cash Toronto put up, we look like were content to slug it out with Baltimore for the second worst team in the division this year. even the yankees, who havent done much either, still look alot better on paper. this is not good.

well the thanky yous are rolling in from the xmas cards... 3 or 4 so far. its always nice to hear back that people enjoy getting something. makes me realize i do the right thing some days. its also interesting to see who hops on it to tell you thankyou. also a good feeling, even if unexpected sometimes.

had matt staab come visit in town today. always good to have friends come by. helped get me out of my rut and away from the house. now granted davenport doesnt have loads of things to show off, but i think we covered the interesting parts. plus it was nice to have someone to eat a meal with, and a favorable ear to talk to.

looks like i need to focus on christmas presents now. ive got a difficult decision to make about what to buy someone. ill figure something out. just like i need to figure a few other things out. in all, my personal best is 2 days. entire family in 2 days. im thinking i should be able to beat that if im in the mood this year. and that includes wrapping!

and god bless a cold guiness on tap!

so.

few things of note. just things i wish to gripe about. although today maybe the day i sold something, i was reminded that unless i can set 10 appointments per week [minimum], and not fluff appointments, i wouldnt be selling copiers for RK Dixon in 6 months.

nothing like a smack in the face to start the day. i guess im bitching about where the fuck im supposed to come up with 40 interested parties in the next few weeks. they sure as hell arent in iowa city. or anywhere else ive been to. these appointments only count once. once! then im supposed to have 5 more a week where im doing a proposal, actually writting a bid and discussing it. then i should be closing 2 deals per week. thats at the point where people are saying yes, or no, and walking away with a copier. per week. its insane. i dont even see the good reps managing that on a consistent basis. besides. i cant even come up with 10 pepople to set appointments with. maybe i wont be doing this in 6 months after all.

christmas cards went out today. i think i did 30. or just short of it. i tried to cover most people id somewhat stay in contact with. those that didnt seem to want to give me an address, dont get one. and i think thats pretty fair. if im going to take the time to sit and write out 30 cards, spend about 3 bucks per card including postage.... plus my time. you can cough up 10 seconds for an address. so no gripes from people that dont get them. but the whole process made me feel old. christ. im sending out christmas cards, it should make me feel old. im getting cards with pictures of kids and weddings and things like that. i really should feel old. im not 18 anymore, and thats for sure. its about time i moved on from that.

had a weird dream last night. i woke up going, what the hell was that about. i wake up in bed. its in a strange room... or atleast something i dont recognize now. anyways, i can see a light on in a hall way through the open bedroom door. so i get up. i walk down the hall. and in a bathroom i find a certain someone. shes naked accept from some tiny white panties... no bra no shirt, nothing else on. and shes sweating. her hair is a mess... and shes half standing, half hugging the toilet. i walk in and hear myself talk, asking whats going on. and she looks at me. up with those bright eyes, and they are all red. tears streaming down her face. some leftover makeup is running with it. she just has that look of "help me" and i get down on the floor with her, and cover her with a bath towel from the bar over her head. and i just hold her. she clings to me. shes sobbing. and so am i. shes crying and appologizing and saying all kinds of inaudiable things. i listen to my voice say to her her that i love her. that she and i will make it. i see myself reach down and wipe her tears away, and smooth the hair back from her face. she just clings to me tighter as i look at her. and the two of us just sit there crying in the bathroom. somehow. and i dont know why shes in there. i dont ever look and see if shes thrown up in the toilet or not. but somehow it feels like a drug use thing. like shes abusing. and its like i know about it. but in a way, it makes me stay, even though in my head im thinking i should leave. i stay for her. even though its quite a scene. its bizare. its not something i understand. i just have no idea where it came from. or what a dream like that i supposed to mean.

Guided Tour.... part 2






walking through a doorway by IT and through a short hall leaves me here... looking into the spacious demo room... complete with cube divders for some reason.










this is the Canon ImageRunner c3220. with duplexing autodocument feeder [daf k1], shown also with ledger sized saddle stitching unit [finisher N2]... this is the machine thats supposed to make me my millions. it runs full color at 32 pages per minute... and ball park as pictured, could sell for about $35,000 in US currency. god bless free market society!










to the left is the Canon CLC 1140. thats Color Laser Copier for you whom dont care! it runs at the impressive speed of 11 color pages per minute... well it was impressive 8 years ago. or more. i hate this thing. it actually costs more to print on both sides. its slow. stuff looks like shit on it. and its still expensive. i hate it. but its sitting there, thinking im going to sell it.


and thats really it. imagine a room with about 15 more copiers in it. thats the demo room. of the equipment in there, i cant even sell half of it due to brand and territory restrictions. only canon. sigh. the only other brand i can sell is...










Riso! while the unconcsious eye might call these copier, youd have to be rediculously burnt out on meth, to realize they arent! yay for complications! these machines actually are alot more in common with silk screening tshirt places than they have in common with a copier. copiers use electrostatically charged colored dust [toner] and attract it to an oppositely charged rotating area [a drum], that the paper picks up then the dust is melted on the page [in the fuser] to create a copy. riso products, make a negative screen of the image you want [on sheet, from a roll, of paper that feels like wax paper], perferates the areas for coloration, then forces liquid ink through the holes onto a page... something like blowing your nose on a kleenax with a hole in it, leaves the snot on your hands. this leaves us with a one color screened print of the original. its cheap. its fast [150 pages per minute fast]. .... but its limited on colors [each color needs a separate screen, then you have to make sure the areas register together correctly], and you cant make this go fast if you are doing a book of 3 pages. with the riso, the master is permanently trashed when you scan the next item. on a copier, it would just instantly apply static cling to a different spot. figure the price of a master is about 30 cents or something. it makes a very expensive, and poor quality copier. but a cheap and effective duplicator for simple projects. so. riso. yeah. thats them. i can sell them too.

A Partial Guided Tour...

partial, only because its hard not to look suspicious running around taking pictures on my palm... using my camera would just look really silly... so.











this is my cube. i sit here. just not very often. see, i was told "yeah, well youll have a desk here in the office, but we just never want to see you in it" on my first day. charming. and about 2 days per week thats held up. i dont have alot of stuff. my craptastic computer, phone, stuff on how to use the phone, two pictures, maps, and random shit im working on. pretty boring.














a look to the left of me. more cubes. nothing much to see.














a look to the right of me. more cubes. nothing else much to see. just note all the shit sticking up. the document team tends to LIVE in their cubes it seems...














this is a coworkers desk in document sales... note. my space doesnt look like this at all...











this is behind me... my cube opens onto the main drag. so everyone comes by and looks at me while im working. i hate it. atleast i can turn around and see the windows, even if i cant see out them. random copier and shit for me to use.












this is another random desk... you could never tell we sell copiers huh? its pathetic.

ManRam...

on the Red Sox offical site, i noticed a new piece of news... according to David Ortiz...

"Manny is not returning to Boston," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "Manny lives a difficult situation that only he and his family know about, and he does not want to play there."

the rest of the article didnt have much else to say about the reasoning why this was, nor any more information about what it is.... but from that one quote, id have to wager that Ortiz and Manny's family know something... not to suggest that he is... or that hes any less of a ballplayer... or that i want manny gone... because i sure as hell dont... i wonder out loud if it could be something like the gay card.

boston is a very talkative town, but its also a very catholic town. a very unchanging traditional sense of moralistic appearance. and drunken senators that drive women off bridges. however. this whole "his family knows" and how its some sort of secret... makes me wonder. Manny has mentioned he wants out of boston, something in florida or the west coast... how about miami or san fran? makes me wonder

so i want to write a long and windy post about whats going on in my head... i want to take alot of time to sort out what i think and what i feel and see if they are two different pictures.

but i have the feeling they are.

for along time, ive only wanted one thing; a meaningful semi permanent reciprocal relationship. and its just something i cant find. i cant find anyone that wants me. i cant find anyone that wants that. i cant find anyone that even wants to screw around with the idea of that and me. i cant find much at all.

and i say im stupid, because i am. im probably... no. i am the fucking stupidest person in the world, without reservation. i want something so bad, that will never happen, i hope that any chance is my chance. and im so stupid i just never want to realize that my chance is never going to happen. being stupid, i run out and try. i fucking try my hardest. i try so hard to have someone see me and take me serious. i try to be the exemplification of how id want to be treated. i try so hard to get anyone to like me, that im too stupid to realize... they never will.

i care about a girl. i desparately would like to see something happen with her. but. im very stupid. im so stupid that i guess ive never stopped to look at it as it is. she doesnt want anything to do with me. she never has. and i was just so stupid, that i kept telling myself, maybe. i kept giving myself some line of horseshit about how it could be different. or something about how it could happen. i was too stupid to look at the truth;

: no one wants someone like me :

sending flowers doesnt change that. being attentive cant help it. trying your god damndest to make something work, for once, with one person you are attracted to, doesnt mean you get anywhere. its just means youre stupid. youre fucking dumb. youre a joke. people laugh at you. people think youre an idiot because you keep bashing your head into that wall... over and over and over again.

i feel worthless. because i am. i am. i have to be. who the hell else could be as stupid as i am. who else would try to be something for someone that they damn well know cant ever amount to anything for anyone. its stupid. its stupid to try. its stupid to laugh. its stupid to want. its stupid to care. its stupid to desire. its stupid to need. its stupid to hope. its stupid to want someone to love. its stupid to believe in it all.

she didnt have to tell me anything. maybe i just had everything i needed to understand it along time ago. maybe i wasnt smart enough to get it, because i was busy being stupid. and while i will never rescind any thing i said about her, nor will i ever deny that anything ive thought about her. its stupid of me to think anyone cares about what i think. its pointless. its rejection that doesnt even need a reaction. its assumed. if i wasnt so stupid, i should have seen it.

i should have seen alot of things if i wasnt as stupid as i was. maybe the first time a girl made fun of me. maybe the first time i never got picked to be in the make-believe dance at recess. maybe the age when i realize everyone had 5th grade girlfriends writing them notes, except me. maybe when i got to junior high, and all my friends were going to dances and i had to sit bymyself. maybe when i got to high school and girls ditched me at homecoming as a prank. maybe when i thought that one girl was interested that went on to throw food at me. maybe when i felt like finally the hot girl in school was being nice to me as part of a prank they pulled. maybe when i had to ask 5 girls to prom to have everyone of them tell me no. maybe when i got out of highschool and tried to have a relationship with a girl that slept around. or maybe when i thought i knew it all who cried and screamed when she found out i wanted to do things. or the girl that took my heart, walked out on me and told me i was fucking piece of trash. or the one that smiles at me years later, that seemed so much like me that i never noticed her until almost a year later. maybe she was the girl that inspired me to finish school finally, or to want to make me fall in love again. maybe i should have learned something before it all got to this point.

but im much too stupid to have realized any of it. im much too stupid to have never stopped and thought that someone like her actually would have wanted anything to do with me. it was a stupid thought. by a pathetic person that clutches at straws to save himself. it feels stupid that im sitting here thinking about why someone is so perfect in my mind, who is so interesting, so fun to be around, ... its stupid to sit and think i might have had a chance. appearantly everyone but me knew this all along. but i kept trying. i kept wanting. i kept telling my heart and whispering every thing that i saw to her. it was stupid person doing what every girl always says she wants. its not very stupid to see she just didnt want me.

after all these years now. its stupid to believe anything else but the truth. that i was too stupid to give up. and now it sits and kills me for being so stupid.

so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night.... [and other rediculous things college girls believe]


. it was like, ... like... like... like.... like. you know?
they believe that the use of comparative interjections in similiee form, somehow give clarity when used without comparison. also. the repetition of such words appearantly is meant to give credibility to speech patterns when discussing events that could be perceived as mundane or false. example- Sooo like, you and Ashton, are you like together, or like, seeing each other, or what, because you are like the cutest couple that like anyones seen at the DG house, you know?

. pink ugg boots are soooo cute!
i dont know how. i just dont. but by tight rolling the jeans up over the tops of these ghastly footware, they some how arrive at a status position above other peers. these boots are made of sheepskin and wool fluffed inner boots, and can often be found on the feet of rich girls, and stupid environmentalists [see below]. although most brands are waterproofed, you will never see these in puddles. often worn at stark contrast to outfits, ie black mini skirt with neon pink ugg boots. or lime green top, blue jeans and powderblue ugg boots. again, the status positon in society is only achieved if others appearantly notice that you are wearning them.

. so i think its like, wrong to hurt an animal?
this is a classic misconception among the popularity based segement of the population. while there do infact, exist the rare breed of Collegius Hippo-Retrosian [known commonly as "crunches" or "that hippie chick"] most collegiate women who fall in to the "hurting animals is sad" vein, tend to do so with great maladaptation. often times they are lured to such social positions by curly haired dreamy boys, or similiarly gullible females. they often reject eating meat openly, but will eat it when not surrounded by the pack, or often will introduce beliefs infront of pack members or contesting males, which are unfouned by their own ethos. example- Sam and I were like talking about that the other day, and its totaly wrong to hurt animals we decided! Oh. So you fish? Fishing with my brothers used to be the funnest times! they are often seen wearing sheepskin boots, leather handbags, or in rare cases, hemp clothing.

. so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night
this is a longstanding assumption of the modern college female. often times it can be adapted to fit situational dispostion slightly better, as in "i like met The Guy last night at the bar" or "when i was doing a bong with him, i totally felt that connection". as proposterous as it might seem, most college females typically do believe the odds of finding a mate increase while intoxicated or under the influence. sadly, the odds of this are not nearly as high as the college male's chances of finding a mate for the evening are. regardless. the belief professed in the supernatural draw of love and drugs seems to be a consistent feeling among the pack.

so... while my love life might be pathetic... would it get anyworse if i had my boss attempting to give me pointers? fuck.. it would. and it did.

i made the stupid assumption that id be safe to bring in one picture. one. some of these assholes at work have galleries of art... one lady has a shelf [which i use for manuals of copiers i sell for reference] filled with pictures in frames of her kids. so instead of having a more baren space than Vanillia Ice's trophy shelf; i decided to bring in one picture. its next to my instruction on how to get my voice mail [which still doesnt work]. a day later. knock knock. the boss comes patrolling around on the cube farm, and instead of asking me about acconts, or cold calls, or why i didnt dress in a 900 dollar suit; he pokes his finger and says, "who is that, your girlfriend?"

.... this is a delicate situation. i can take two roads to approach it. well three, the third being ignoring it. road one is the subtle explanation, road two is the total down play. i kinda ran between the forks in the road, and gave the subtle down play of the truth.

"no... not unless she decides to change her mind and tell me so"

.... see i thought this was a good move... i never looked up. and it seemed like a dead, brush off comment to state to move past the awkwardness of revealing personal experiences to the Gestapo.

"really... shes pretty man... you really like her then? what happened?"

.... this is now throwing lead baseballs at nuclear reactors. while, the practice is probably harmless... what kind of freaking idiot really thinks its a good idea to try it. now im stuck trying to field that question.

"i asked. she said no. ... yes i do really like her, and yeah i wish she didnt say no."

.... silence. this is the worst part. its like watching a horror flick with mute. while you wince at the gore, its really got no impact without the sound... in this case, its the lack of sound thats ugly and brutal. hes a salesman. im a salesman. we both know that who ever answers silence first, is the loser... so i mutter...

"i think shes just at that stage where she wants to have things her way and be able to do her own thing without any attachments; and im past that stage, so thats what happened i suppose"

.... no silence. he respondes.

"well [clasps hand on my shoulder, still looking at the picture] hang in there kid. give her time. man. she looks wild... is she? woo. just give her that time and shell come around" [then he leaves]

.... really this could have gone worse. i just dont know how. even my own boss thinks im incapable of closing a deal. and this time, its not about a copier. i feel pretty messed up, knowing that people twice my age are looking my pictures, and touching me while they do it. dirty. so very dirty. but the only lingering thought on my mind, is not that; but do i give his advice much credability? its difficult to answer that. so far, i think hes way off base making me cold call on 300 businesses for zero sales... maybe sitting and waiting for her to make a decision she might never want to make, isnt the best idea either. but its the only thing right now, thats really out of my control. that and people signing fat checks over to me for copiers.

the december issue of playboy has a really interesting article about Marilyn Monroe. im trying to type parts of it back as close as i can, but all the credit to the authors for an interesting take on the woman through surviovrs... the itneresting part isnt that she was into enema's, or that she was some sort of sex addict... it was about Joe DiMaggio. non sports people only know him as a temporary husband to her. however, he was one of the top 20 baseball players of all time, who still to this day owns the longest streak of consecutive games with a hit. anyways. being one of the best ballplayers of the age, in his time, meant he was as close as Jesus in notariety among the world. so. he does well enough, fame, success, riches, he also bags the most sexual and beautiful woman of the period as well.

"joe d loves marilyn monroe, and always will. i love him and always will. but joe couldnt stay married to marilyn monroe, the famous movie star. joe has an image in his stuborn italian head of a traditional wife. she would have to be faithful, do what he tells her, devote all of herself to him. doctor, you know thats not me. there is no way i could stop being marilyn monroe and become someone else to save our marriage. it didnt take long before we both realized that and ended our marriage. but we didnt end our love for each other.. any time i need him, joe is there. i couldnt have a better friend." ... in monroe's words to her pyschiatrist

monroe later remarries to author Arthur Miller, which ends in shambles after a few years, and very soon after she ends up dead. most touching of all, comes in the words of Joes neice recollecting the plans, allegedly, of joe and marilyn to remarry...

"all of which raises the question, would a woman who was about to remarry teh love of her life, the only man who was there for her unconditionionally, kill herself on the eve of the wedding? or had she gotten herself into something she wasnt ready for? in the years that followed, joe had a hard time even speaking ofn monroe. he was intensely private to begin with, and engelberg and positano, his two closest friends in teh years before his death, knew never to bring up her name. but always her haunting presence was felt. dimaggio would go into his 'marilyn mood' as some friends called it. ... sometimes he spoke of her funeral -- how he arranged it and banned certain people from attending, particularly [frank]sinatra... he said to positano, 'doc i made sure none of those people who really killed her were there.' says engelberg, 'you know, morris, instead of kissing her at the altar, i had to kiss her in her casket.' engelberg, who was at dimaggios deathbed, says the athletes last words to him were not to feel sad about his dying. 'ill get to see marilyn again' dimaggio said."

you ever get the feeling its not worth talking about problems at home?

see, my parents, while are great, dont do the whole consultive listening situation well. example.

me - "so i just really think this is unfair... im the only rep in the office that has to drive 3 counties to get to my territory that stetches another 3, and they only pay me 250 bucks a month to cover that... its just not fair to come up with 300 dollars for gas over and beyond what everyone else does for the zero dollars [all comp'd] or less"

mom - "well then you just have to pay it!!! "

dad - "claim it for your taxes, you know it could be 40 cents a mile--"

me - "dad, thats not a freaking check; thats deduction off wage earning... meaning it doesnt mean squat if those 40 pennies dont bump me into a lower bracket"

-silence-

mom - "well then stop complaining"

. end .


see? its like they take it as offensive. to them, im supposed to be happy i have this job at a place theyve heard of. they dont really seem to notice im not happy with it, and im loosing more money then im making. and sure. the jeep is not the most practical vehicle i could have bought. but come winter snow piles, three counties of driving with all wheel drive, to get to my three territories of rural, 2 lane and gravel roads to sell in; the jeep was a great purchase. the issue however, was about the equity of a traveling rep, versus a home office rep. which is unfair. not only do the home office reps not have to waste any time driving to get to their appointments [unlike my hour minimum drive], but their mileage probably wont rack up to the magic 1,000 miles a month if its all in davenport. unlike me, who each trip of cold calls nets me 150 miles minimum. minimum i said. thats just to iowa city, drive to locations, drive back to davenport. lets get jiggy with it and say im in washington iowa, an hour south of iowa city... now i add an extra 100 miles on that. each day of cold calling in washington is effectively costing me a tank of gas or more at just short of 300 miles per excursion. i can only do that 3 times in a month, and im out of compensation! where as the reps for in town, see maybe 20 miles as alot of driving in a day of calls... making them do effectively 500 cold calling excursions at the same price... see my bitch? im being penalized with a bigger area, thats farther away, to push business from people that have never heard of us... the in town reps have name recognition, familiarity and ties with the local network, and dont have to do squat for an extra hour each direction. its not fair. but the talk about it tonight turned into me being, appearantly complainy, and juvenile about it. so... if by being conscious of the raping i receive for this; makes me juvenile... then im a Toys R Us Fucking Kid.

several gripes...

. i washed my watch. i felt like such an idiot. i was so mad at myself for not paying attention to it. and while it was only a 9 dollar watch at walmart, i still felt bad about it. this is probably why i dont buy many nice things. id ruin them somehow. so after finding the bits of broken glass face in my clothes, i was thorougly disgusted enough to go out and buy a replacement. a whopping 6.49 at walmart.

. im really at a loss for words. i try as hard as i can to be a good friend. i try to be caring. to be sensitive. to be positive. i guess its just not something anyone wants. im scratching my head over it. sure. i might have feelings for this girl beyond friendship, but i told her, and i mean it, that im willing to wait until shes ready to make that kind of decision. until then, i care about her enough to want to be around her as a close friend. honestly the kind i think she doesnt have many of, that really no one ever does. the kind that its ok to cry in front of... in fact the one thats the first one to show up when you cry. the ultra trustworthy kind you talk with about the things you dont want to tell yourself, and hardly another person. im doing it because i really do believe in her. shes fun. shes a great person, and i just wish id get through. so. the problem? well. after reading about what i did to my watch... you can guess that appearantly ive screwed something up here too. i sent flowers. i thought it was something nice shed appreciate. not only have i [3 days later] not gotten a [quick or any kind of] thank you, but ive gotten the silent treatment when i ask. i just dont get it. i hope shes just really busy. or that something happened to her phone. i really hope its not the "silent game". i tried so hard just to do something nice-- and no one even wants that. its like i manage to mess up doing nice things. i hate that feeling. its worse than guilt. because with guilt, i should feel wrong for what i did do. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel wrong about what i did this time. none. and here i am, feeling bad.

. i hate these online dating sites. there isnt anything. on 3 different sites, [match.com, eharmony.com, and cupid.com] im not registering ANY matches. match.com does a 100 percent scale... the highest match there is for me; is 42. a 42. i remember reading once in something about modern personality matched dating, that according to their questionaire i was appealing to something like 8% of the population. i really hate this. i know ive complained alot about being lonely lately on this, but man. there isnt even one Half=assed match for me in the land of the internet. how pathetic is that?

. i had a dream last night where i was in bed with a woman. that it wasnt just sex. that it was comforting. that it was consoling. it was... vivid. it felt like the first 13 minutes of a softcore porn flick. it made me wish it wasnt a dream. i remember waking up this morning, and being on my back thinking; why the hell cant that actually happen. and it was a sad realiztion that it doesnt happen. for whatever reason it just shocked me into feeling sad about it. about myself. about the truth. here i am, almost 25 yeras old. and i cant even say i can get a simple bit of dream to happen for myself. and its sad. its so pathetic that i think about it. that i dream about it. that in the back of my mind, i torture myself about it. because it was something so simple. so welcoming. and so much for my dreams.

well if anyone really cares about whats happened to me lately... ive been listening to alot of Diamond Head... and Black Sabbath's Never Say Die album... because they are the only cassettes i can find that i own, and BigRed doesnt have a cd player... for anything else...

. the job has taken up most of my time and energy. i still havent sold anything. i dont really even see any great opportunities to make any money yet. and not that im keeping track, but ive already burnt about 150 bucks in gas driving without seeing a pay check. or a sale. its rough. theyve sent me out doing door to door thinking i can gather information that way. its succeeded in making alot of people really, really mad. so. no sales. yet. im expected to be working before 8am. and should never leave before 5. lately its been about 6. and ive been getting there about 7:30. no overtime pay since im salary. sigh.

. i do love the jeep. except the gas mileage. its hard... i guess i was spoiled with my grand am, getting abotu 30 miles per gallon. now im getting about 20 to 22 on the highway... but a nightmareish 5 to 10 in town sometimes. eesh. and i really was upset when i realized i got 300 miles per tank of gas. not bad, right? well... i was used to 400 on my grand am. no biggie? well... the grand am took 12 gallons to fill. Big Red is about 20. .... sigh. come the first dumping of snow fall this year however, i will feel elated about my purchase. i hope. sigh.

. im surprisingly well adjusted to getting back up in the mornings. i thought it could have been difficult, when for a while, i was not making it up before 11 and noon on some days... coffee helps. but alot of the times, im doing mundane things like email, phone calls, and getting more coffee... with a couple days per week im driving on the road to territory. so. atleast i get to hear Lou and Scott on KRNA again. a plus in my book. even at the minus of being out in bfe in the mornings. sigh.

. i really havent seen anyone lately. i just end up doing the work thing, then coming home, doing more work off the clock, then falling asleep. its a rediculous amount of learing to make it in the first few months... ive got to become almost expert status on the differences of 50 different copiers in days, so that i can deal with customers. then i spen anytime i can relearning sales. most of what ive learned is useless to me in this type of sales. its really fatigued me more than i anticipated. sigh. and yawn.

. i think im afraid of being a left over. if that makes some sense... just a left over all over type person. im not setting records with my sales like everyone else is ... im the only person i know of in the "toner-breath" wing [as IT Sales refers to us] that is under 30... only one other person is under 40... and im the only person in IT and Document to be single, with no kids, under 40... if i try to fudge the numbers, one person in a support person figures in at 30, no kids, no marriage, but engaged... but it adds two other people to us that are over 50 with multiple kids, and multiple marriages... but there is a difference between a late bloomer, and a left over. left overs are like the things you find at the back of the refrigerator and push farther back to find something else. sigh.

. as far as my life, its lonely. i cant lie. i get up. i see my mom go out the door. then i have about 40 minutes to be at work... where i sit in a cube by myself. or drive out on the road by myself and walk around all day alone. come home. usually after everyone ate dinner. reheat cold food, eat by myself. sit on my bed and read shit about copiers until i get so tired i fall asleep that way. its been my life the past couple weeks. i cant remember when i had a phone call, except one night last week with J. my intereactions with people consist of them screaming profanity at me, or hanging up on me mid sentence; or co-workers berating me from across the room, attempting to do it discretely. i wish things were different. i wish i had someone to come home to. i wish i had someone i could talk to when i have rotten days. or brag about good things with. instead... i hope i luck out that i can catch some Cash on the radio or something to sing to on the drive out. sigh.