so where to begin.

the entire situation that i held in check just went ballistic last week on me. its not a secret that ive had feelings for someone, and its also not a secret id knock myself out if id try harder to be a friend or be around for her. i guess, i didnt make that all so evident to her. i dunno. the issue was guy wants girl. girl says no, im not ready for something like that. guy says, ill wait. guy does everything possible to be the best friend there is for six months. girl calls says something about how her and guy have been trying to date, and she wants to see him before she leaves for a month. things go well. girl leaves for a month. girl comes back, tells guy "i have someone else," guy is crushed. guy.... guy doesnt always handle shit falling apart so well in his life at the moment. large exchange of email and thoughts and emotions transpire between guy and girl. guy and girl decided there were alot of miscomunications. but so far, havent resolved much. there. thats it. now... lets talk about what really happened for me that day.

after getting an email from her, telling me that shed started a relationship with someone else; i felt terrible. just. fits. heartbroken. because, one, i really, really like this girl. two, i did the right thing. i took the mature road, and said ill wait for you until you are ready to talk about an "us" factor, and made sure that she stayed a priority for me to keep in touch with. besides. its not an act. i feel like she and i really have potential, and have alot in common that draws us back together. caring about her is the easiest thing ive ever done. alot of lesser males my age, would have walked. shruggs, "you dont want me" shruggs, and theyd leave. call me crazy, but i feel like there is something about this one that makes me want to stay and keep trying. since the day i met her, there were signs and things that popped up that i didnt clue into, until i realized her for being her. by then, it was july. and really too late for me. instead of saying nothing. i told her. i hauled her out of bed, a day before i moved away, held her hand and looked her in the eyes and told her everything i wanted to say. it was absolutely the right thing to do. until this past week, i was absolutely committed to the idea of being better friends every day, and staying as close to her as i could, and let her life happen and let her let me know when she was ready to say how she felt or what she wanted to do. all that flashed up in about 10 seconds. and i sat up, all night. i couldnt sleep. i tried. i couldnt think about anything more than how this was fucked up, and how it wasnt right. things just SHOULDNT happen like this now. they shouldnt.

so about 4am, i showered, got ready for work, and sat and gave her a rambling, exhausted email about my feelings. remember. this is a guy that really cared deep down about this girl. and shit just hasnt been right in my life lately. so i dumped alot of emotion into it. then started my shitsteamed day at work early. god i wish i didnt. im reminded in the car about my payment thats due that day, about insurance on it due that next week, and general bills floating on my dash board to put in the mail. i remind myself how much i hate this job one last time, before i swallow it and walk into the building, forcing a smile when i was just numb inside. the battle starts at 8:05am. where i ask my supervisor for some time to discuss 4 accounts, so that i could get out before noon to the customers with answers. im told, "in a bit". 8:15, "after Laurie" 8:41, "couple things with Kristy first kid", 9:22 "customer issues ive got to get to", 10:13 "i have a demo at 10:30 to get ready for, after that Scottyman", 11:00 "i need to sit down and talk to Don about this" 11:44 "youre next after a potty break, 12:03 "im getting there, sit in my office ill be there, 12:39 i finally get to see him. all the while i have to keep making excuses to these customers why i cant get there with answers as fast i should be. numbness is setting in. i feel sick. people notice that i take down the two pictures i had up in my cube. 2 co workers are shocked by the story i tell. none of which should have happened, because i should have been out and making myself so busy i couldnt think about it.

but the meeting, which should take 3 minutes, drags on for 25. i get berated about my cold calls... not enough, not the right places, not enough interest, not enough appointments, youll never make, you arent doing anything right... on and on. my buttons keep getting pushed. my respones are very short. im getting hot. im digging my fingers into my legs. its going back and forth. all i keep hearing is "relation based sales are what makes it in this industry" and my mind just keeps going back to where, honestly, it should. the one relationship i want to keep, that i lost. anyway, i keep hearing more about how this is wrong, how im not as good as the other reps, and how we should sit and go through every cold call i make from now on, to make sure im doing them. i lost it. i stand up, throw my files down, and walk. i told him, that im in no mood to talk about lost opportunites, instead i want to salvage something out of my day. he never asks. he just demands that we go back to it again after lunch. im so frustrated when i take my coat and keys, im nearly fighting back tears. and ill admit that this one time. ive never been so close to striking someone out of sheer rage. but. when i get to the car, all i see are bills on my dashboard to pay, and the sinking sensation that i might not have the cash to cover them. besides which. i was bitched out for nothing. and my real problem is the email i got that morning and the person i lost.

i drive. faster than i should. i get about a mile from work, and the gas gauge goes off.... 20 miles to empty. i look through my wallet at the stop light to find, all i had was plastic. i had no cash on hand. i refuse to charge gas. and all my cash is at home. i know i have none in the bank when those bills go out. and im out of gas. all i have is that check book. at that stop light, i realized. im out of gas as a person. just fuming. thats all i have. im in a job that i hate. that i cant make any money at. im broke. i have outstanding debt to pay for a degree thats not getting me anywhere. i have to live at home bcause i cant afford to move out. and i just lost the one person that i wanted. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate where im at. i hate that nothing, nothing works for me. everything is constantly against me right now. and even the one person that used to make me smile and laugh about it, doesnt even want to give me a chance that i deserved.

i take the next right, and end up at a church. i walk out of the jeep to the rear. i take my steel shovel. and i walk to the back corner of the church lot and start taking apart a tree. if i could have done it with my hands, i would have. it would have felt better. but it just frustrated me more. that i had to have a tool to do it. that i was the tool in this. that everything i want to have, keeps using me. anger issues? maybe. but i needed it. in disgust i throw down the shovel. i walk inside. why i dont know. but i guess because i realized my problem wasnt with that tree. my problem wasnt with my life. my problem was with the one who made that tree, and who keeps giving me this life. so march in. i throw open the doors. a wide eyed pastor gives me alook from an office as i go straight to the sanctuary, take off my coat. and just let it out. my anger. my frustrations. my issues with why i cant have a lick of luck. why i cant have what i worked for. why i cant have the girl of my dreams. why bother to fucking dangle that out there to drag me through it all and not let me get it. why frustrate me. why anger me. why test me to want to believe in a person that cant allow me to be happy. or to have some measure of what they want. why humble a person to the breaking point or beyond. what the hell did i do to deserve any of it. but the truth is, i dont even remember what i said. i yelled a few times. i was angry. but mostly it was just angry words and im sure it had to do with all of that. i sat in a pew. and didnt say anything for a few minutes. then took my coat and left.

i called my mother. told her i wanted to quit. she reminded me i couldnt afford to. i reminded her i cant afford not to. it stale mated. i get back in the jeep. drive to a gas station, make out a check for 20 dollars i fully know would bounce. then tried calling a few friends. no one really answered. and i knew i had to go back. it just wont end for me.

at the office i go back into the fire, and get it all over again. another 20 minutes of it before i take my things, keep my tail low. and walk out. not a word from me. just nods yes or no. at this point im just too defeated by it all to care to fight it. i go deal with customers for the remaining hours of my day by phone. i take my share of dagger eyes from the boss. i remind myself about why im unhappy by the big hole over my phone where a picture was until that morning. and every call i made the rest of the day, i looked at it.

im finally allowed to leave. never before 5:15 in the real world time zones. to drive for a bit and just be numb. i get home. try to talk to a couple friends. then just try as hard as i can to shut it out, and make myself go to sleep. ofcourse it doesnt work. and i lie awake most of that night too. thinking about everything.

thats really all i want to say about that day. because, people out there are going to say... OOOOH its not so bad. OOOOOH theres other girls. OOOOH youll be better tomorrow. OOOOOH what a woman worth anyway. i dont care. to me. this was it. this to me, was as bad as its been. i hate myself. i feel worthless. ive been dumped by email by the girl of my dreams. im told im a failure at my job. im broke. and i cant stand it anymore. thats what that day was about.

for those that worry. dont. that was last week. its over. im done with it. i got paid on monday. so dont send me money. dont ask me to prune trees for you. dont give me the crap about how i dont need a girl anyway. because thats crap. this blog, was never intended to be about crap. it was never intended to get sympathy. it was always about a sick kind of therapy for myself thats shared with everyone else.

this weekend, i spent alot of time comprising an email to her about it all. shes been replying. and i guess its not right. but it is how it is. she says she didnt know that how i felt about her. she says she would never have cut me off if i had feelings and she knew about it, because she does care how i feel. and i tell her honestely, that if i was weird for doing what i did, than i appologize; but i did it to give her room and still keep that avenue open in the only ways i could. esepcially when i respect her and do care about her. weve kind of ended up with an email exchange that runs the gammit of sorry's. and the exchanges of the "i do care about you's" . but really, the only question on my mind is this... i know i care about her. and now i know she cares about me. she knows i care about her. then why isnt there a "we" ? and i havent asked her that. i dont want to ask that of myself. becasue the answer should be, "there is no reason." i feel bad that this whole thing became such a mess because of me. that it starts, i guess, with me wanting to verify someone else starts a relationship. she said she never knew. and oddly enough, the very reason i ever took her that night and made my confession to her about my feelings, was so that she would know. so that i would never get in a position where my feelings get hurt because i never told her them. and here i am. i think, honestly, that we have a better understanding now. i think that could help in the future. i think, im just trying really hard to be happy for her. but i think im also slowly going crazy. but thats not changing how much i dislike my job. or my life. or my luck. i guess thats alot of what i wanted to say.

its about relation based sales and opportunites. its about doing what you have to keep up those relationships you think are worth it. ultimately, no one else knows that importance more than you. no one can tell me i did the wrong thing. and no one, with much conviction in their voice, will tell me i did the right thing. but i believe in doing the right thing. i believe in doing the right course of action. sometimes i also beleiving in following my heart when i think it matters. i think she does matter. i think this job doesnt. i think my life has to change. especially if it doesnt.