Current Musical Selection: GnR - Civil War

one of the great songs of the early 90's, that wasnt grunge, and that wasnt pop... heavy with guitars and feeling, but in a different way than the grunge movement registered with people; unfortunately it never really did register with people. instead it proves to be one of the gems of the Use Your Illusions project; coupled with Estranged, 'Rain, and Breakdown [among any that i could have listed], it shows the power that the band could play with, still within the limits of the softer 'ballad'esqe lyrical content...

" look at the shoes your filling // look at the blood were spilling // look at the world were killing, // the way weve always done before... // look at the doubt weve wallowed // look at the leaders weve followed // look at the lives weve swallowed // and i dont want to hear no more // my hands are tied // for all ive seen has changed my mind // but still the wars go on and the years go by // with no love for God or human rights // and all these dreams are swept aside // by the bloodied hands of the hypnotized // to carry the cross of homocide // and then history bears the scars of our civil wars.. "

40 days until GnR roughly. maybe on that day ill be happy. at this point, ill be going by myself, and i couldnt think of a better way to enjoy myself. no one i know appreciates the music for what it is; hell no one i know even listens to it. so what if its been 10 years since theyve toured, and so what if its a totally new band; its about finding happiness in a void. ive actually asked a few people to go. no Yes's yet. a couple Maybe's. several blanket No's. its ok, id have to sit and teach them all the lyrics to every song so they dont look out of place... and thats alot of work. in the next few weeks im actually going to have to familiarize myself with some songs better... rumor is axl is playing alot of old, old material from Appetite... ; even though i like the Illusions albums better. well see in 40 days...
------

so i missed classes today. yeah, it was wednesday. not anything that makes me overly sad about it. maybe thats what im scared of. missing classes means nothing to me anymore. only in some classes where the work piles up from it, do i ever feel any sense of remorse for it... but skipping classes isnt something to be proud of. at the price tag im paying to go here, missing isnt a smart thing to do....buuuut what do i miss? just random teachers reading from the text books; random kids snoring in class; maybe one or two paragraphs of notes about something that doesnt particularly concern me or my future well-being. i guess more importantly, its just another cold seat in some lecture hall somewhere on campus. in the end it costs the University X amount of dollars to heat the room that my body would be warming; and so they see that in the end.... but nothing for me. nothing that says, gee Scott, we missed you in class... gee Scott, were sorry to hear that our whiny leftist lectures dont interest you, well do something that will interest you. nothing like that. just the same bs.

walking to and from class isnt much better. i wear darksunglasses. not only do they shield my eyes from the sunlight, but it shields them metaphorically from the kids and sluts around me. everyone around here is similar in what they want, even the ones that deny it. categorically; some people i know, will deny everything of the lifestyle thats so repitiously indulged upon around here; yet they too find themselves in the same lot. i shield my eyes from it. i dont want what everyone else gets around here. i dont want to get plastered 4 of 7 nights a week; i dont want a random girl in my bed; and i dont want to do the bare minimum. but thats what they are handing out around here.... the bare minimum; with a double of 'to get you through' sprinkled in every other round.

i used to think college would be about so much more than all this. but now all i do; is find myself playing mind-numbing videogames, and hiding in my room or office.... away from other people. someone once laughed at me for being a sociology major, that hates people; but its correct. id much rather find myself alone in my room than with the gross population around me. i find strikingly few things in common with them anymore, and thats discouraging. it means i find myself sitting here, ranting about nothing in particular, to no one in particular. funny isnt it? my release from dealing with people [of which i hate dealing with] is to mindlessly jabber at other people [ie - all of you]... not so much funny as it is ironic i suppose... but then again, i probably missed that day of class on grammer and parts of speech.

" i dont need your civil war // it feeds the rich while it buries the poor // your power hungry, sell souls in a human grocery store // aint that fresh? // i dont need your civil war // no i dont need your civil war... "

someone was talking to me late last night about relationships. for whatever reason we started talking about our expectations for the future. it kinda floored him when i said i didnt have any. infact his comment was, "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" and maybe it does. i dont know; i guess when it comes to expecting things you cant count on, it seems more futile to me than counting stars. do i ever EXPECT to be married? -- no. do i ever EXPECT to actually have a relationship with someone again? -- no. but would i LIKE to get married --- yes, would i LIKE to have a relationship with someone again?-- yes. two different questions that i guess, i seem to keep separate, while everyone else around seems to mince together. the expectation revolves around the occurance; and in the end, we all want that occurance, right? but what happens when that falls short? i guess no one expects to get divorced 5 times; or no one expects to have their heartbroken; but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen... and that doesnt mean i dont want it to happen; it just means i dont want to incurr those types of things anymore. i think ive spent my time in hell rather well; ive learned alot; ive learned how to be treated, and how to treat. but that doesnt mean that anyone else has. besides... lets hit the reality button here; im not going to win a beauty pagent... lets just stipulate to that... so then if im equal to anyone else who has paid their dues and learned; why would some girl pick me over the cute guy? they wouldnt. i wouldnt ask them to, and i wouldnt expect them to. i guess thats the earthshattering reality people never want to admit to. i didnt find it so hard. all those years seem to make alot more sense now when i think of it all that way. sure, being stoodup to a dance doesnt seem so out of place when you can go with a cute guy. and yeah, setting up some cruel jokes on or sending the overly attractive girls in school to fuck with this guy's head, doesnt seem so out of place. in a way i guess its their way of re-inforcing it all home again... which again is ironic, isnt it? we spend so much of our lives not believing what everyone is telling us. all those times when they left notes about me being creepy and a looser, that was just the truth, wasnt it? and all those times i got dumped on by girls, that was just to prove the point, right? my only question is how would anyone ever expect something from nothing. magic and act of God aside, it just doesnt happen. i suppose my view of it all is skewed because i guess ive finally heard what everyone has been telling me for quite some time.

back to the meaning of it all; the discussion put me squarely back in the crosshairs.... "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" it does. but atleast im not getting my hopes up. when it rains shit, you buy a raincoat. i guess should some unsuspecting, half-blind supermodel with no standards and overly zealous ideas towards committment, should litteraly fall in my grasp... its not appropriate to count cards. counting cards just lets you know what your odds are going to be in the next hand... the dealer shows 2 ace's... that means theres only 2 left, and in the next hand youve got one; that helps. but when the game takes out the ace's and just throws in duces.... its kinda hard to see where its all going to play out. thats why i prefer not to make any wager. more aptly, ive decided to cash in and wait till my luck and odds better coincide. besides, whats my alternative? to keep playing a game that im not going to win at? just loose more money and morale in the process? get branded a looser more often? thats not my style. "so what, even minor wins are something," somone else said to me; but who expects to walk into a card game to win the pot, and walk out happy with a $5 chip? see, i dont expect to have this wonderfully blissfull marriage to some overly gorgeous model, because i know its not going to happen.. what is likely to happen, is me finding someone who just gets the job done... nothing more, maybe less; adequate at best. so then someday, when i find myself divorced and with 3 kids i never see; i should still be happy with that $5 chip? i hope not. my parents were raised without divorce, i was raised without divorce, and i dont intend to raise my chilren in divorce. so thats going to eliminate some of those small wins of momentary happiness. coupled with that freightrain; id never raise children outside of marriage. thats going to shoot down some other options. yeah, i guess that is going to leave me somewhere this side of a booze habit and a burger-king addiction when im old. whats so sad about that? i knew what i was getting into. i knew what the option were. and i know exactly how the cards are dealt. to me its more sad that everyone else keeps playing to loose, despite all the signals, dispite all the losses, and dispite all the effort, they loose. at the end of the day, i walk out with my ass intact, nothing ahead, nothing down... just dead even. and they keep taking hits on those tables i walked out on. whats so sad about that?

your right, Scott, maybe your being to hard on everyone else; Scott thats not what they all meant. |||| maybe. maybe they just thing the isolation is sad. i guess i dont understand that either. its by choice, but its not. i readily move in groups and social benefactors; its not that im against social interaction as a blanket policy... just nothing appeals to me. there are some people around that i do like spending time with and around. some of them doing like spending time with me; and some i dont like spending time around. now what makes that sad? maybe whats sad to them is, im looking for something that none of them are looking for. the old, mines bigger than yours, that makes it better argument. since my goals are equal to theirs, but i dont expect to fullfill them, maybe thats supposed to make me sad. i think whats sad is i have to sit and defend myself to it all. id much rather not. id much rather just have what i want to have out of life, and be done with it. but im not going to get it. and thats the point of all this i suppose. some people spend all their lives praying night, after night, for God to give them someone. i honestly dont do that anymore. God's got better things to do than listen to me whine... God's got a world full of strife, anger and despair to deal with; and my requests seem pretty damned meager in comparison. yes i suppose, that God does answer your prayers, all of them. but the answer is no sometimes. the answer is no alot of the time. people never understand that. God probably gave me something else worthwhile to do; and gave me some sort of direction to take; why should i feel inclined to complain to Him about his decision? and who the hell says hes even going to do anything about it? He doesnt have to. Sure, hes benevolent, but that doenst mean he cant be a hardass; ask the Jews! so that even if i dont want to deal with what life's given to me, its not going to matter one bit to argue my case.

i guess that doesnt mean i never did. there were times when id sit and think; gee God, couldnt you just off Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel? not to make me anything better, just drop off some of my competition? there were some times when i used to think it wasnt fair to deal with everything that happened to me. sure, its not fair to get turned down, everytime, you ask to your prom. likewise, its not fair to get reamed out for sending flowers to a girl. lifes not about fair. if it was all supposed to be fair, id still be in that card game; because i know my odds are going to be fair. but they arent, and i dont play. and appearantly that makes it all sad. that i refuse to play the game. the games got rules you can never expect to beat. its always set up in the house's favor. if you dont keep loosing, you wont keep playing, right? if you dont find mr. right, you just keep going out there and dating scumbags till you find him? sooner or later, youll just get tired, and settle out for that measley $5 chip. youll lie to yourself and say its mr. right! and your friends will be happy for you, and youll just keep on living it that way. so maybe thats why its sad... maybe its sad because i just dont want to play this game. maybe its just sad because i dont want to find my saturday morning surprise in my bed. besides, thats how everyone else is going to play the game, isnt it? they are just going to keep screwing everything with two legs and a hole, and hope some day they pull it out clean; because thats going to be mr/mrs Right. i know im not going to get any wins on that table. so maybe its sad that i just calculate my odds. maybe its just sad they havent calculated theirs.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Life By the Drop

"hello there, my old friend. not so long ago it was still the end; late outside in the pouring rain, on our way up the road, we started all over again. living a dream, as though youre on top. my mind is aching, and lord it wonts stop; thats how it happened living life by the drop"

long day again. seems like they never end... i wake up late, tired and stressed out from the day before, to start, late, into the new day; only so that everything else can compound again by days end. the reward is a few hours of sleep sometime after 3am. today started off with the 8am wake up call of ITS. which shuttled with doing latin homework while on the phone, makes for a poor, poor way to study, and a poorer way to deal with a phone call. class... such a pain in my ass, then 3 hours of dealing with Residence Services and ITS. magically, no one can answer any of my questions... [not surprised] wonderful. 'I say fuck authority... no silent majority, raised by the system, now its time to rise against them' [Pennywise - Fuck Authority]

sooooo bored. homework is really getting old. if youd have asked me 10 years ago, if i thought id still be doing nightly homework for points... id have laughed at you. i mean, upper level education isnt supposed to subsist of the same bullshit that 3rd grade did. but no. pages of workbook shit, pages of sentences to write. stuipd busy work assignments, like creating a hypothesis.... utter bullshit.. its rediculous. 3rd graders are getting the same education i am, and im paying nearly 10 grand a year for what they get with a free public education. some days i really sit and think to myself what im going to do with this ultra useless 4year degree.... todays college world requires you to take more hours of a foreign language than of english; more hours of 'cultural diversity' than of american history; and more hours of bullshit elective classes than your major. in fact, your hours logged in for. lang. alone are enough to credit you with a minor in some departments... how sad is that? my college degree cost me 40,000 dollars or so, and with it i spent a small fraction [30 hours or less of 120] in what i want to do in this world.

college isnt about learning anymore i dont think. its more about testing you in time management. college education is nothing with out it. its about me logging X number of hours in bullshit courses, and to carry with me 200 dollar books that the instructors rarely teach from. its about looking your best in class, not doing your best. its about making the friends and social 'hook ups' not making the grade. im the first to admit that my gradepoint sucks. i stopped carring along time ago. all of these classes are not important to what im going to do with my life, why take them serious? why not let me dedicate my time on what im going to need to know, and let me out of it all sooner. i guess its supposed to be good for me. thats what the administrators tell me. but i doubt my employer will think that way. i wouldnt. would you rather have an employee who knows every thing there is to know about his job, or just someone who knows a little bit about their job, and a little bit about everything else in the world? hands down, i want that job-focused person to work for me. isnt that the way it should be? who cares what your employees do in their off-clock time; what you want in this cut-throat world is top notch workers, who are damn good at what they do... why divert their time from that to learn about the African AIDS ''crisis'' or the pheasability of the speed of light being wrong. what i want as an employer is the best man for making widgets i can get. if he can make me widgets in half the time of a normal man, i can either work him half a day [and keep half that money] or work him the full day and get twice the productivity out of him. i want people that can sell my widgets to anyone, and guarantee me a sale the minute they start their sales pitch. i want to pay and IT department that i never see; i want them to fix problems before they arise, and to have everything up and running before the normal work shift starts. i dont want to hear about poetry interpretations from my workers, i couldnt give a shit less if they can read the warnings printed on the side of the widget packaging in German to me; and i sure as hell dont want Widget Makers telling me about how they think they know more about my companies financial practice, because of their 3 hours spent in microecon.

unfortunately for me, the death of the true worker has come. now, instead of speacialists, we think its better to have someone specialize in nothing, and tinker with everything. now we have people with 4 year degrees that can spend as little as a semester's worth of hours on their major, and still take 6 years to get said 4year degree. whats wrong with making kids experts in what they want to do? they chose that major as their lifes work, lets give them the knowledge to make it so, lets stop pussy-footing around with bullshit progression based courses and electives: you take every class your major has to offer in three years, and spend a year doing some independent work or interning in the real world. get some experience handling what you will with your life. get me out of these god damned rhetoric classes and psych 100, and let me, scott alvarado, play with criminal behavior theory, let me do some work in a quasi court-room environment. get the chains removed, that bind my hands to pathetic lecutres of 1400 kids and high school level work, get me prepared for the real world.

besides which, if im here to become prepared for life ever after; then lets start shaping these lumps of highschool shit into real individuals. lets start by making them recognize that they are now adults. lets drop all these kid like expectations, and let them progress beyond hoops and hurdles... after all thats what high school was. how about we start taking college students seriously, and lets see if they will take the world seriously. how can we expect, as a society, to have kids emerge from 4 years of binge drinking, socially acceptable piercings and tattooings, and rampant sex; and expect them to have formed an accurate and sensible view of the world. all we give them to go on, is what our classrooms have taught; and if thats any sign, its no wonder why our kids are confused about the world. everything we teach them in class today is the direct opposite of what our parents [who now controll the world] are running with. kids today dont have a sense of money, dont have a sense of self, and sure as hell dont have a sense of stable family relations or a sense of genuine culture thats all their own. weve spent our lectures on the glories of the worlds unruly ways and how its all 'equally valid as our own''; which is all well and good, as long as you give them something to measure it with. kids today have no sense of american history. yorktown is just a peppermint patty; kennedy is just an airport; the Union is nothing more than uncle don's trade faternity; and we had a war with Mexico?!?!?! we took our time, trying to engrain an asinine sense of worldly guilt towards being american; and now when our country is attacked on the basis of our culture; our children cant even tell you why everyone hates us... appearantly the world isnt all holding hands and telling native folktales in harmony like my college lectures have told me. prehaps there still is some eveil in this world, and prehaps those perpretrating have been placed closer to our children than wed ever want to know. besides, its only education; there can never be harm in educating people, so my instructors have tried to convince me.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Dont Cry

sometimes i wish someone would go back to the grunge era and just start churning out sad, mournfull songs again. really all music today is just nothing more than happy fun garbage. nothing has any sense of soul anymore; nothing has any sense of loss; nothing has any sense of despair anymore. when i come home some days, i just want to sit in a dark room, and hear some macobre music... and no one is making it. theres only so many times i can sit and re-listen to some Alice In Chains and Nirvana, before i want to hear something depressing in a different melody.

Dont Cry isnt really one of those songs i suppose. but it is one of my favorites. it is a sad song. it is about loosing something or someone. its more or less, one of the songs i think, that really echos back to me part of what ive lived through. i can remember hearing words, like the lyrcis, that were of eeirly similar nature. i wasnt the one singing them, i was hearing them. i remember the first time getting 'shot down' as its called. the first time you open up, that you crack open your very soul and you just let loose with what you believe... pure, raw, heartfelt emotion. then to watch someones face when they just tell you, that you are worthless; that you arent even close to what theyd ever want to hear those words from; that no matter what you do, you are nothing. shot down isnt a bad description. but i think it implies a bit more possible action. atleast when your getting shotdown, you can pull the rip cord and bail; fuck the plane, fuck what happens with your CO, atleast your going to live through it. thats not what happens. even if you had a rip cord to pull, the chute would only catch on fire. if you even had the chance to jump out, youd only find sharp jagged cliffs below. no, there is nothing quite like that first time. its haunting. its surreal, yet it was. and it still is. then you find yourself back over the jungle. this time, your getting hit the same way you did before, and its just a dark an end.

sometimes i wonder about people. tonight i was told that one of my prior entries appearantly still upsets someone. im sure its easy to guess which one that is; so im not going to relive it. i dunno. i guess i wonder, if it was that bad, why didnt other people object? why didnt anyone else step up and say, 'god dammit man, thats prolly farther than you need to go' but no. so im faced with the same dilema i was when i posted it. the language is no less offensive, and the details to why i did it are much less clear than they were at the original time; and appearantly my point still isnt taken... so do i take it down? people will always judge my by my words alone. and i wish that wasnt ture. i really wish, that some how, people would take into account my emphatic meaning behind the words. in that instance, the language in a literal sense still cuts deeply; but i was hoping that my sentiment would go deeper. to me, what is the point of saying anything at all, if you cant get across your point. and my point still hasnt come across. people, i guess, are still pretty self centered. they are snide, they are rude, they only think for themselves. they rarely think outwardly about they, themselves are doing and saying; and, if by grace of God, they are confronted with it, they wont accept blame. here is the case of Scott. scott did. scott realizes exactly what he put in text. he openly admits to it being vulgar, inflamatory and crude. scott doesnt, however, appologize for the feeling behind those words. taking someones words and using them against them is a sin, but to leave out, and dissavow what those words are saying, is another. spell it out. the words mean scott was pretty upset as an individual about the way he was treated. he put it in that form to get the point across. dont focus on the words that i right, focus on the meaning that i pushing with them.

again. it comes down to me i guess. do i want to cave, and now void my own words, invalidate my own feelings, because someone isnt ready to move past it? does that mean that my feelings and my interpretation of the incident are therefore invalid? are my words wrong in a moral, good/bad useage, as well as wrong in a verifiable/truth useage? id hope not. id like to think that id never write something for myself in this space that isnt true. i invite you all to read it, because i feel it to be the truth. are my words more hurtful to you; because of what i said, or because they were right? see, people criticized, (and still do)_my interpretation of the incident and surrounding history. the thing is, my interpretation is based solely on the facts i was presented. night in and night out, i was told the same things over and over; how is my factual representation incorrect? its probably not so much incorrect as it just wasnt right to post. thats what gets to me; people still harbor hostility towards me in the guise that they wont forget what i say, but they have forgiven what ive said. thats not the case, when your still not forgiving the person. i could walk up to my uncles murdered today and tell him i forgive him; but if use what i havent 'forgotten' against him, then i truely havent forgiven him... im just lying to myself. thats something i hope i never do. i have a temper. its documented, well documented. i dont hide that. i have a very pointed sense of the world, and that is also documented. why are you just now objecting to that, if you say youve forgiven me? if you forgive me then you let it pass. you dont return to it when you find it conveniant, you stoop to it when it becomes potential ammunition, youve let it go. or so you say. but i guess what you all say to me, then how you act, is my point of all this. ive told you what i have to say, how will you all act now?

my meaning was to hit home. i wanted someone to stop and think about what was going on. yeah, maybe they are right, maybe it is all 'fuck me', and whose to say they are wrong for that,---i certainly havent. but you are still missing the point. the point is, someone was trying to tell you something. someone was just opening up, and giving you the hearfelt truth. but it was in a way you didnt like. you wouldnt listen to it any other way. and you still havent. the meaning that someone has tried to convey to you countless times still isnt getting through. so now ill stop. why waste myself for you? maybe thats something to make sure not to forget. maybe, thats the point to all of this. maybe its just someone wants you to know what this all looks like, and that you wont flippantly pass it by this time. like last time. like all those other times. like the time i wanted to tell you what i really thought about you as a person. like the time i wanted to tell you that what you said made a difference to me. like the time when i would realize i could tell you i loved you for who you are, if it would make a difference with what you did to yourself. but just like all the other times, you wont remember this one either. you couldnt remember that, your too busy trying not to 'forget' what else happened.

last things last. what do we want in the end? do want clear and indefinite resolution all around, or do we just want what we want? i want clear resolution. i want final, definive action, so i can just move on to the next stop. but people puzzle me. people say, 'ive settled this' and they havent, they open up old wounds for selfish cause. they harbor threats and directives from your words, then hold them over your head... and remember, they forgave you. so what of rememberance. it seems to me that if, in the end, that resolution just means deffering all action until i get what i want; then thats what we had here. if its about truely moving on, i guess i just got left in the wake somewhere, trying to extend a hand to someone whom would just rather not take it. for people to extend that hand, should mean alot more than just a hand in your face. maybe it looks like a slap to the face to you as your thrashing about, but that hand is there for you. that hand is there to help pull you out. that person, attached to that hand, wants and is actively helping. but you only see it the way you want to see it. you just want to see it as another hand trying to hold your head underwater. maybe that hand is, but maybe its going to lift your chin above the water line. so in the end, where does that leave us at? ill still stand there with my hand extended to you, and youll just keep slapping it away. and ill always think back to the times you could have taken my hand, and walked to shore. and youll just keep thinking what you will, but ill never hear it from where i am, and youll never share it. and for that reason alone, my words will stand; and my sentiment will go unnoticed.


ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - "Time Gone By"

yeah, its not quite GnR, but its close. for anyone who doesnt know [another chance to flaunt my GnR knowledge] Izzy was the founding rythm guitarist for GnR, going waaay back to '86. Iz stays on until 91/92 [depends on if you count his summer comeback when Gilby was hurt], when the pressures and futility of stardom came to a head for him. Izzy, in my opinion, was really one of 3 in the driving force that wrote the GnR material... Axl does have alot of credits, noteably the big opus' [Estranged, November Rain], and Slash too has his fair share, but by listening to the music, to me, its clear that Izzy came up with a good chunk of the songs. Axl applied words and voice, and smoothed it out in the end, Slash throws down a heavy riff to play off Izzy's main themes, then the big solo, and Duff and Matt/Steven do their thing; but Izzy comes up with the tunes. It really shows up on his solo cd's post GnR; namely this one: Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds... its out of print now [funny, so is Gilby's "Pawnshop" album, his first solo cd, also excellent!] but its really written in the flow of the softer 'Stones sound, lots of fuzz... Definietly attempt to find them on morpheous or something, but these songs are the kilers: Time Gone By, Somebody Knockin, How Will It Go, Cuttin The Rug, Take A Look. not to say the rest of the cd isnt anygood, just those songs show off the diversity in style, but are all essentially Izzy mainstains; especially listening to the GnR recordings, you can really tell what was Izzys and what was the rest of the bands work.

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well its been several days now since ive written.. appearantly ive fallen back into the pitfall of not paying attention to this. not so; i do remember it, just the days are so short and the other requisite work must be done before blog time. well thank God for one thing, my life never changes.... so, its not like you would have missed out on much excitement. well unless your really rarin to hear about the beard growing contest the floor started. im thinking about dropping out allready tho; its getting itchy in places, and the mustache just isnt growing in well; i think if i let it go much longer, ill really look funny. we'll see what mood im in tomorrow when i get up.. i may just let it go... thoughts anyone? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

porque mas.... saturday was interesting. ive decided to help out with the Stepping Up project again this year, by flipping burgers at their non-alcoholic tailgates. its really a great cause. but the idea is sadly lost on kids in iowa city, on football saturday. i wasnt really counting, but multiple kids came up to us to get the free food [knowing this was an alcohol-free event] with cans of Busch Lite in hand. some had the classic "im so drunk i have to wear these sunglasses to walk in broad daylight" sunglasses and look going for them. others just did a poor job disguising a case of beer in a hooded sweat shirt. yes, they pulled the torso of the shirt over it, then placed cans in the hood.. giving it the uniquie appearance of mystery to fellow drunks; but to those of us in attendance that were starkly sober... the only mystery is why no one did anything about it. these kids are obviously, blatanly, breaking the law. we were standing on U of Iowa Residence Hall property, with Residence Hall staff [1-grad student, 1-hi level administrator, 3-hall coordinators, and 2- paid security officers] and nothing happens. kids come streaming out of Slater Res Hall, carrying open containers; while 4 girls are urinating on Slater in the bushes, putting down their beer on the front steps to do so; and NO ONE says anything. frustrated, i asked one about what could be done; lets suffice to say my answer wasnt very good.

i guess what i dont really care for is the disregard of the activity taking place. no where is it more clear, than under-age drinking is not to be tolerated, than on our Residence Hall property. not only is it just not condusive to the environment the university wants to put forth, but its clearly illegal!!! 90% of these kids are 1st years... straight from highschool... some arent even 18 yet when they get here... so not only are the administrators, and hall coordinators present failing to do their assigned duty, but they in fact are breaking the law by allowing it to continue. dont get me wrong. im not pure-anti-alcohol. i, as a legal and consenting adult, over the age of 21, relish in an occasional alcoholic beverage; but in the proper setting, with people of like mind. thats just not the case here in the dorms. the kids that come here arent drinking 1 beer, they are drinking a case; its not double of aged scotch, its 3/4s a bottle of cheap Rum... its not with consenting adults; its with other kids who are all underage... its not in a proper setting, like a bar... its comming from some kid in their psych class, or from their older brothers fraternity friends... and its not in the form of like minded adults... aside from the fact all these kids are looking for the same thing-- to get dangerously plastered. id like to hold the kids here in higher esteem than i do; but they dont let me... at times, id say they dont want me to do that either. last year, when i attended the city council commission on drinking ordinances; i was one of 2 [yes 1 + 1, two] people supporting the ordances forcing Iowa City residents to abide by more consistent and strict regulation dealing with alcohol, in shit-ton massive quantity. not even the people from the Stepping Up project, nor the Department of Res. Services, nor the Addiction Medicine specialists would come. just me. infact, i couldnt even go in the capacity of the student leader that i am, with my position in ARH; i was told strictly not to. i didnt understand why. but once i was at City Hall i did. UISG, the campus government of the student body was there to shoot down the ordnances... all in the name of kids 'right' to drink underage, in dangerous quantities.

i guess it never really goes away tho. its something that this city and its engrained sense of self; will probably never want to let go of... alcohol related injuries, coma's and even deaths have occured here; but the trends continue. the maturity in this place really strives to hit new lows each day. i loose respect for people who speak from one side of their mouth about alcohol policy, and even the rule of law in general; then break those, on a regular basis. people, i guess, dont expect me to say much about it. thats hard for me. maybe not that im not expected to comment, only that they wish i refrain from doing so. if only to preserve their own proverbial asses. people on my own floor regularly drink and break the rules, that I, in my position, help to create. some of these people are my friends, some just happen to live next to me. regardless, thats alot to ask from someone. maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if they were of legal age. and maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if it was only sporadically. but its not. its clear, its blatant, and its obvious. not only is there no respect for me and my position, it erodes the respect we should have for the student body. leading me back to where im at. an ultimate lack of respect.

alcohol is a funny thing. it makes people do funny things. i dont think of these people as bad kids. my neighbor is a frosh. its his first time away from home; away from friends; away from what he knew life to be. hes a good kid. he respects me. at first i wasnt sure how to take it. generally speaking, i dont make it habit to throw out my title to the kids... id rather let them discover it, let them do with it what they will. but this kid, once he found out; was excited. he likes knowing what his neighbor does. [remember that]. originally, i liked that in my neighbor as a quality. then last week, i came home. on my way up the stairs, i could smell the beer. Icehouse. i looked in the trashcan and found atleast a case of empties. coming into the hall way, it was heavy in the air. two of them come out of the room... clearly blasted. one tells me he was doing dishes, he cant look me in the eyes tho, the other comes out swaggering, and mincing german and english; trying to bastardize an appology to me for what he did tonight. he was that respected me. i listened to him try to recount his sorrow; it took a good ten minutes. i dont doubt his sincerity; only that someone that sincere, shouldnt have taken part in the first place. then as i cut him off, and open my door, i see it. more of my 'friends' engaged in drinking with other, 'like minded' underaged residents. what do i say to that? one was clear about his intentions, and i have no annimosity towards him for that. he knows the risks assumed with that action, he was willing to take it, and more or less, i guess thats acceptable. the other. the other one expects respect from me. should he get it from me? 19, with a beer in hand, and in a more precarious state than im going state here. he knows it. so do i. this is one of those times, when my neighbors probably dont like knowing what i do. this is probably one of those times, when i dont like knowing what my neighbors do. no, no probably about it. i see this person, perpetrate an act like this early in the week, then they try to stand next to me on saturday morning, at the Stepping Up tailgate; working side by side with that organization, to combat underaged and irresponsible drinking.. respect is tough to come by in this town. its time i stopped being so free with it. people speak about morality in their life, and abiding by the moral principle... what moral is to follow the law. breaking the law isnt moral. but they do. breaking my respect for them is another act, they do it all by themselves. forget morality. they should start with maturity, and responsibility, lessons they should have learned by now in life.

and in the end, it all comes down to mutual respect to me. blantant disregard for the rules and policy they are supposed to be helping me support and create, and this.... this is how im respected by them, fully in my presence. again, the kids of this city pull at my shirt tail to keep me from taking them to the next step of maturity. i really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. i want to call them equals. i want to call them adults. i want to allow myself to be included with them. but that cant happen. not as long as i know what my neighbors do. that cant happen as long as these kids expect respect from me they arent deserving of. i used to wonder why i feel alone in this world. you always look at who is walking next to you. sometimes, you dont feel alone in where you go, infront of crowds or angry people, when there is someone beside you. they might be the only person next to you. but you can still feel alone even then. but nothing is worse, than when you think back to that one time when there was 1 + 1; and that +1, just walked away. that time, when there was two. now there is only one. is a sickly sweet secret you have to carry with you sometimes. its about keeping up appearances. making that empty stance next to someone; thats the appearance. but the respect... thats hard to keep up.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak

" tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak.... somewhere in this town; see, me and the boys we dont like it so were gettin up and going down... hi and low, looking right to left... if you see us comming.. i thinks its best, to move away; do you hear what i say?. CHORUS - tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town. tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, so dont you be around... "

no one has really ever heard of them... well unless i say their biggest song was "The Boys Are Back In Town", then no one has ever heard of them. too bad, lots of gooooodshhtuffff. why tonight? dunno.. seems like alot of stuff has been breaking loose lately, with ARH and related people, me? my classes are kicking my ass, plus i was really sick today and missed all of my classes. not much you can do, when you wake up screaming with a migrane headache, because your sinuses are sooo backed up... half blind i try to stumble out of bed before 8am; that doesnt work so well... im so dizzy that i fall off the bunk ladder.. about noon i wake up on the floor, in my boxers still, with a lump on my head... needless to say, standing up and walking was again difficult, and the headaches were still there... i struggled to the couch, and didnt wake up again until about 20 till 5pm. not good. i missed 2 classes i needed to be at; lets hope Prof David wont ream me for being gone, and i can catch up with latin that i missed. head is still sore... more mad about blacking out. it a scary thing to feel yourself falling six feet out of the air on to your head, but not feeling it, then not remember hitting the ground, or the next several hours. only comming to, on the ground in your underware.

" tonight theres gonna be trouble... some of us wont survive. see, the boys and me mean business, bustin out dead or alive... i can hear the hound-dogs on my trail, all hell breaks loose.. along with sirens wail... like a game if you loose, thats it..... CHORUS "

several viewers made IM comments about the last few posts, so i guess this blog will mainly be answering viewer mail... maybe this could quell it, in the order they were asked: no, it wasnt free verse or prose. yes it is based on my experiences. yes i have gotten a phone number to a pizza place, no it wasnt to Gumby's, yes it was to the Airliner. did that walking home alone business really happen to me alot, yeah more so that id probably like to admit.

on to other things.

another viewer asked me why i was so hostile to females at this age... making the assumption that my hostility and resentment towards them, more than likely fuels my 'singleness' more than anything else. my response; probably. really, do we want the things in life, which we hate most? id hope not. but arent we surrounded by the things in life which we hate most? yeah, arguably if we were not exposed to such things, we arent likely to have developed annimosity towards them. comparitively; yes i do want to be non-single, yes i realize that will only take place from those around me. someone else made the suggestion that maybe i bring all this on myself; that because of my job, my personality, etc; that makes me unapproachable and undesireable to females at large. thats an interesting point to make. thats now placing the blame squarely back on me; somehow that my current disposition, in accordance with every female ive ever met, or not met, now directly relies on my actions or outlook. since im in a generous mood, ill play along and conceed the possibility towards those whom i have met; but this falls apart quickly with those whom i havent met. purely, if ive never met you, how can my actions and past habits, known only by having a history with me, apply to you? even if by some means, that by making that initial contact in response to them, i could infuse all of my negativeness into their bank of knowledge; that still doesnt account for people not approaching me. see all of this knowledge would have to have been gained by contact with me. if i sit down and eat at the lunch counter and read the paper in the afternoon, as i often do, im still never approached by women. if i walk down the street with a stuipd-shit grin and fratboy shirt on; i still dont get smiles or looks from females. see what i mean?

then someone made the excellent point of: what kind of woman are you actually expecting to get, what is it you want in a potential girl? thats a good question. ill take it up next time as a blog probably. but, ive had this conversation several times with people, and with one friend in particular. she was pretty well able to tell me what she watned in a man, quality-wise, which i could gernerally match, but when it came to outward appearance and demanor, i drew a blank. ill hit this up for next blog, i promise!

lastly; someone randomly emailed me and asked if i ever planned on showing or posting my picture on this page. i can only assume the purpose would be to judge the whole 'outward appearance' issue. my answer for that, is no. why should i? see im damned if i do, and im damned if i dont. should i post the picture, and allow you to make your decision, and should you disagree with me, what then? similarly, why should i ruin it for those who would agree with me? why should i ruin it for anyone? if you do know me, then you do, youll formulate your own opinions... but for the rest of the world at large reading these; imagine me. imagine what you think a person like me would look like. hold that image in your minds eye each time you read my words... watch if it changes... watch if i come into more focus... watch if i blur away... just keep that image, and try to match it with my story, then see where it leads you.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Angie

angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..

ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.

i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.

ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.

some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - "Madagascar"

***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.

yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "

someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.

yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.

***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"

a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB

well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.

another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.

eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...

if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "

really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.

second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.

meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...

aint it fun~
s.


*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.

Current Musical Selection: Elvis - I Can't Help Falling In Love

dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.

i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.

unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Tool - Sober

" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "

people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.

Current Musical Selection: GnR Lies album

well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.

i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.

its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: the Beatles... some misc. stuff from the 'white album'

Today was another installment of wham bam. so much stuff, so little time. even though it seems i spent most of the day in my room; maybe i did... it still went past fairly quickly. ended up buying books today.. that burnt about 500 dollars. just under actually, 460 something; which makes it about the cheapest semester for books ive ever had in my college career.. that alone made me happy to see. but not the trek across 3 stores to buy them... the university of iowa really needs to straighten that up. faculty should only assign books that are textbooks out of one location... im fine with going else where for reading type books... but its crazy to infuse capitalist, private ventures with the massive tentacles of the university machine... im sure kids are overwhelmed as it is with campus, let alone trying to track down books from 3 different places [or more, depending on your major!] especially when they learn that Iowa Book is not University Book... one is a private store a block and a half away from the university's book store in the basement of the student[less] union. fuck em. they fist kids for 120 bucks per book, and give you back 5 at the end of the semester... then take your used books, and sell them back for 95 next semester. fuck em indeed. thats business, fucking kids and parents out of their money.

Tonight i had an interesting conversation with someone online; appearantly durring mid conversation i said something to make them mad; and they resort to the tried and true 'throw it back in your face' method of reconciliation. im glad we do this. it makes it much easier for me to find the true adults in the world, when i see children acting out like that. besides the point, it was the entire idea of guilt tripping... makes me feel like im back in an old relationship, where everything i did with J. ended up in me getting 1)bitched at 2)guilt tripped 3) both 1 and 2. this felt alot like that. not something id like to relive. nor is it something ill go into in great detail toinght.... just the fact of being left with a similar sensation of 'crap' for a feeling; of which you know you havent earned, and you really dont feel bad about; but their words have made you stop and think, then triggered the sensation... maybe thats my consentience kicking in... and maybe people like that dont have one.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: -= nothing.... absolute solitued, except for the air conditioner =-

Today seems like it was a long day, but it really wasnt. One of those days, that your tired to the soles of your feet, but you really didnt do much work. Today I moved back into Iowa City. Yeah, there was a lot of leg work to get shit into the car, and from their back into my building.... but really not that much. My room is a new room for once. The past two years I lived in the same one; and Ill have to say, there are alot of memories, good and bad with 2114; but all in all, i thought my time there was done. I laughed when i walked through the hallway there today; Greg is still there [my roommate from last year] and theres a sign up for Scott... either its his new roommate, or a funny practical joke; but either way its still fitting none the less.

Partly my decision to move out was based on me aging out. I feel old. I act old. Let me be old by myself. I know im no longer the kid i thought i was comming up to this school; my priorities have changed... hell my outlook on life has had some changes. This year i thought, it was time i was honest with myself, and make a change. so 2303 here i am. in the dark. typing away, all by myself. just like ive done the past two years... its all just another empty room, that ill pass the time in; and when the year is done, ill move on. just like everyone before me; nothing deviating.

the only thing thats really eerie around here is the lack of people... my floor is separated from the rest, and only has something like 10 rooms; only one other guy has moved in... even the RAs arent comming up to visit.. it makes this place seem very quiet and still. too bad in 5 days, it will be hopping worse than a humming bird on speed.

not sure what else to make of today... im sure its nothing important, although id want it to be. time will tell i suppose... time will tell


ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Duff McKagan - "I Love You", and other selections from this solo lp; 'Believe In Me'

Once again ive managed to let 6 days come and go before i update this... trust me, i know, the email starts piling up, then the hate-email starts piling up; so wait your turn; ill get to it. it will get updated with much more frequency in less than one week; as ill be moved back in at school and permanently glued to my keyboard and ethernet and T3 once again. im sure the entries will also get shorter as well, so for those of you waiting for my next novel sized installment; wait, it too will be comming in the form of a novel once school and piddly annoying crap concerning school cease. in the meantime; its blog time.

a bit of sad news of late i guess; turns out my great-uncle dean; of kewanee illinios; was diagnosed with cancerous pockets in his jaw and throat area, turns out it was a little too late, and the oncologists determined that the cancer had totally spread throughout his body. he passed away less than a week after diagnosis. its sad; it really is, i never had the chance to see him in the hospital, and probably the last time he saw me was 5 to 10 years ago. im sure he wouldnt recognize me anymore. as it turns out, the funeral and proceedings are early next week, which will postpone my move-in at school. there was rumor floating around earlier that i may be called on to be a pallbearer, so it is a necessary postponement in my mind.

onto other news; as much as i try to avoid mentioning and tieing my thoughts to it, my position in ARH has greatly increased the amount of stress in my life; needlessly so. most of the occurances have been so petty and shallow that they should not have even attracted my attention or time to correct, but they did. moving in the microfriges was so slow going and annoying, taking all of my day; litterally from 7:30am [plus the hour commute before hand] until nearly 6pm. not cool. no big mistakes or problems, just slow work, and people who werent under good directions... after i became frustrated with the process, and changed how we did it, things seemed to move much faster. on the same day i had meetings with the Vice President of the Unviersity, as well as the Assoc. Dean of Students... again, major stress. not from them, they are both interesting people in their own rights, and id probably enjoy a solid hour of quasi-non-business related conversation with them, but thats not really possible is it? instead i hear the answers i dont want to hear, push to get the answers i do want, and end up much more irritable from the process.

last piece of stress realation activity comes from the local printers, to whom i trusted my $3,000 plus; keychain order, would be completed on time and satisfactorily... not so. i find out that the order, which was due today, no exceptions. wouldnt be in. 6,000 keychains, for the kids who move into the dorms next week, will not be ready when the kids are. inexcuseable; yes, stoppable; no, foreseeable; should have been. the one time i place an order with date sensitivity, im defied. ofcourse appologies were passed on from the manufacturer in California, to the printer, to me; but really nothing is going to change this. the box will arrive on monday, i wont arrive until tuesday to dink with it, kids will have been comming in since 8am monday morning. allready im hearing phone calls and emails from deskstaffs, RAs and administrators; bitching and moaning at me about the lack of keychains... to you all i have one simple request [children and virgins cover your ears]

SHUT THE FUCK UP. BACK THE FUCK OFF. SUCK MY FUCKING DICK, IM TIRED OF YOUR GODDAMMED SHIT. [thank you to Axl Rose for the inspriation and insults]--- not only am i well aware of the lack of keychains, but im equally upset about it. but the minute you start putting on guilt trip, or condesending attitudes towards me and this project, i will hear no more of it. these tags are a sign of good faith, and a gesture of good will, which we pay for; for the students... not you. not only will i take offense to what you say and my gift, but ill take them away. these arent mandatory, these arent my job to do, these are my way of showing appreciation; if its not appreciated i walk, and so do the keytags.

i appologize for the language, but again this is my log, not yours. take offense if you want, but the one thing in life i will not stand for are people who overstep their bounds, to make my life worse. the minute some low level desk jockey, who ive never heard of, starts informing me of my errors and misgivings, ill shove this all back out to you in spades. not only do you have no clue who your talking to, you also have no clue what happened, or whats being done. you dont even have jurisdiction over me or my organization; all you do is bitch about getting a free gift; thats not even yours... all of this is out of my hands now, and i think i deserve some credit for trying to rectify that. end sound off here.

as earlier stated, id answer some viewer email---
"what the hell is up with the Aint It Fun quote" --- well the quote comes from Axl Rose, who is actually quoting an old song by Stiv Bators and The Dead Boys... a moderate force in the late 70s/early 80s punk music scene. the stuff is really great, lots of energy, rasp and drugs; the recording quality isnt so great... axl and co. covered the actual song Aint It Fun; for the 1993 Spaghetti Incident? release. great song, great quote.. the song lyrics talk about the various stages of life and its occurances, in a largely cynical way. look it up sometime

next question---
"whats with the Guns and Roses infatuation; they suck, they werent that good, and they are so 80s; move on allready" --- well first off, yes its a mild infatuation, second of all, eat me. the band WAS great, the band IS influential, and its still one of my favorites. it spawned careers of nearly everyone it touched, Izzy, Gilby, Duff, Slash, Adler, Sorum, Andreadis, even the backup singers... everyone has benefitted. although i do love the music, the time period is also nice to remember; its of my formative growing up years so it means something to me to have the music from the time that i remember. above all else, they rock... everything now sucks ass musicaly. nothings new, nothings edgy, everything is labeled in a way that says 'dont label me'. enough of that, GnR can be labeled, and it doesnt fit; the band did nearly every style of song you can think of, and it remains to be seen how many other songs are out there recorded, but never released due to egos, contracts and lifestyles. in short, its my band of choice, not yours.

last question--
"Why do you rant on and on about everything? You hardly ever talk about your life or your day, like most people do in their online journals, why is that?" --- good question. not sure. the world pisses us all off in mysterious ways... i usually will light into something that particularly annoys me at the momment... why do i waste my time? better question; this is supposed to be a catch all for my thoughts. my handwriting has taken such a turn for the worse, that i have problems reading it; so this was the next most logical choice. so in that sense, this is where i turn to an audience thats all my own; you all. in life, most people tire of my rantings after a few moments, some times they listen for hours; so this is still the best place.. the best place to plunk down something. so enjoy.

well bedtime for me... as allways, viewer mail is appreciated, questions comments and snide remarks to"

scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

till then..

ain't it fun~
s.

current musical selection: The Cult - Beyond Good and Evil [album]

It feels good to dig up some old [or just merely forgotten] records and cd's and just blare them at 11/10 notches doesn't it? With no one else home today, I did just that... so if my neighbors are reading this: thanks for not calling the police.

Nothing better than hearing something coming out of the speakers, other than Brittney, Nu-metal or some sappy 3-chord "R&B" [read: Rap without Balls] rip off [read: sampled] from some lame ass 70s funk band... finally I get to hear some real, descent, hard rock and roll... plenty of Stones, the Cult, GnR [as always] and Deep Purple... no crap. Today, although I had nothing else better to do... I had no time for the usual air[over]play of crap.

Hearing some of those parts made me think about some of the good old times... memories attach themselves in the oddest circumstances. Sometimes I hear just a chorus or maybe even only a small snippet of song, and it brings back so much... not only the music, but also what was going on the last time I remember it. Memories aren't so bad, even if the times were... I guess I see the memories as good; and the bad memories as just baggage. Baggage is heavy, its cumbersome, its a loaded term... and generally its not something you want to carry with you... you'd give it a nicer term. You'd call it 'luggage' or 'essentials'; not baggage. No, baggage is the bulk rate shit-sack of every bad, resentful and unpleasant thing that creeps back into your psyche under the auspices of a memory.

You never see it coming. Hell its all got the same postmarkings, right? I mean, you cant tell what it is until you open it all up, and there it is... right in your mind; and its there and its not going away. And you just dread the time it takes before it vanishes, because your stuck remembering and watching and just reliving experiences that you've wanted to forget... but the baggage system doesn't work quite like that I've found. Your baggage has your address. Your baggage always finds its way back to you. And sometimes, other people will even help bring it to you... you didn't want to forget anything anyway, did you?

Random thoughts on thoughts today I guess. A lot of times I catch myself doing that. Hanging up on the past. Memories do attach to the oddest of places. I can remember quite vividly once, probably when I was about 9 years old... somewhere on vacation, in the middle of nowhere.. It was hot, dry, humid.. The kind of days you go swimming on, or eat ice cream. But we're not. We're in this, stinking, wooden collapsing structure; crammed to the gunwales full of crap... old crap, assorted crap, pictures of crap. That's what it all looks like when your 9. You just want to stop looking at it. So instead you run through the place, looking at everything as fast as you can, thinking maybe that when your done looking, you'll get to leave. All the while, my parents aren't paying attention. For whatever reason, my mom is talking shop with this hag of an old woman... the woman must be 90, long gray stringy hair down to her waist, with glasses and wrinkled skin; but still could weigh more than 100 pounds, even in her white flannel night-gown, which she's wearing at mid afternoon still. No, no one is watching, not even me. Then I run into it. Literally. The first time I really ever remembered a casket. I can remember looking at it, and wondering why you'd build a table with hinges... then I get to walking around and looking at it, and I realize what it was. It creeped me out just a bit. But I kept exploring it, eventually climbing on it partway, and realizing there is a glass pane in the lid. That's when I lost it. I could look into see a rotting corpse, I ran down isle, which threaded its self back and around the store to find my dad. They all laughed. Later I did too. Just the sheer madness of why some old antique collector [a bit antiquated herself] would have a casket with a window in it... but I remember it; although I'm sure she wouldn't. And probably not my parents either. But people do help with your baggage too.

I also remember talking with an ex-girl friend on the phone, late one night. All beyond the hate and anger stage, id prepared myself and was striving for the 'friendship' stage that would inevitably develop, due to my infatuation with her. She started talking about nothing. Well, it to her was something, but to me was nothing. She talked about how she hated her roommate, how much she drank the night before; she talked about how she was found half unconscious, vomiting all over herself, clearly from alcohol poisoning. All of it to her was something. It was fun, it was a game, and it was enjoyable to share with me. She giggled, and laughed. And I thought it was nothing. Nothing at all to be proud about, or brag about, with the bravado of 'yeah it was soooo cool' to me it was the kind of incident that might make a seasoned alcoholic work for sobriety. But not to her. To her this was something. So I listened. Appalled, and terrified for her and at her; but I only listened. Even as she tells me how she wakes up the next morning without any clothes on, in some guys bed. Apparently they freaked out when they found her, and just decided the paramedics and campus security would ruin the party, so they treated her. Jocks treated her. She was apparently thrown in a cold shower, stripped, and thrown into bed to sober up. But the giggling re-emerges when she tells me, that when she wakes up, she realizes that she's not even wearing underwear, and some random guy gets embarrassed when he has to create a reason for taking them off her. But she giggles when telling me about it. Maybe even when it was happening too, I'm not sure. I wasn't listening real well; I was sitting on the floor, in the dark, trying to imagine how she could find this all humorous, let alone worth telling me. She wasn't using it as a crutch, or as a coping strategy to relate this to me; no she was in fact, genuinely amused by her story and predicament. I remember then, looking up as the music in the changer switched cd's, its loud, heavy clunk seemed to last for minutes, until it started. Then I heard the song start.

There are a lot of times you can remember things... remembering seems to be the neutral gear of it all. It pre-curses 1st, with throws you headlong into some good memories... or it jams your teeth together, when it rips you straight into reverse, straight back to reclaim the baggage that you lost.

ain't it fun~
s.

current musical selection: Rolling Stones - Some Girls [album]

Something is really starting to make me dread this comming school term... as i was sitting and thinking about whats come and gone, i keep forcing myself to look ahead to what will come; and it isnt necessarily going to be the best of times.

with the entire ARH cloud looming closer still, and with the pesky interference of grades and coursework still poking about; it seems i wont have much, if any, free time to speak of. im not sure i like that idea. although last year was probably nearly as busy, i still managed to create time to sit and relax, and just be around people and friends when i chose. im doubting this years schedule will again afford me such luxury.

obviously this is a pretty negative thought for me; but i think its more of a bring down to my friends. we all moved onto the same floor, within about oh 15 feet of each other, for the continued commradory... which i think will be lacking me. granted i will be around at times, but i think we both will have had similar expectations of which, i dont think, it will be possible for me to live up to.

i suppose i should also mention my personal life is bound to suffer some more as well, due to the workaholic nature of what ill be doing... but thats not really much of a concession to make, especially if you lived my [lack of] dating life. its funny how everyone always mentions that "some day you'll find the one" to me thats extremely freightening... not the notion of a match, though that too is pretty ludacris, but more over the notion that there is one out there... one, singular, uno, one. granted im sure its not intentioned that way, but why do we say it that way? surely it cant be meant that way, hell half this country's marriages end in divorce, and who knows how many of the remaining half are not plagued by infidelity or periods of mutual separation, both in mind and body, from one another. to me the thought of only having that 'one' possibility seems much more bleek than the million to one it ought to be... still its not like a billion to one odds are much more favorable.

the whole subject of marriage has been topic for many of my rants in real life conversation... forcing many people to become overly insecure and objective over my thoughts, but ill save most of you here, by-passing most of that for now. but what i will say is that marriage has been so down-graded in the past 2 generations in this country, that i seriously question why anyone would want to get married anymore? i know that people themselves definitely question this. marriage is something now which is a multi-billion dollar business... both getting married and getting un-married. infact weve created so many divorces and grounds for divorce, that its no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. honestly i think the underlying fault of all this has been the "me first" and "liberation" movements of the past 40 years. we push and push for me, me, me; and when marriage becomes 'too hard' or 'irreconsilable' we call it quits, and move on to number 2-4. honestly what was happening about 700 years ago, before we started issuing divorces? were people any more happy? were domestic disputes really that less frequent? i doubt it. life was harder then, more taxing on ones existence, and honestly domestic disputes and random wife beatings were quite abit more likely to ocurr; so then why the move to divorce in mass groves now? i mean, it sounds to the logical person, that divorces or similar remedy should have been abundant in those times, and they werent; what changed? us. weve demanded upon ourselves as a culture that everything has got to revolve around our ears. everything comes 'custom fit' now a days, everyone has to look unique and different, even in the trends they utilize to be unique [read: body piercing, tattooing, slut-tastic appearal]. even our scientific institutions have to be riddled with uniqueness for us; every disease now has a fancy 5-dollar name, and most likely will be recomended to a 'specialist' for consultation... ill be damned, but i havent seen the physical from of the homo-sapiens as documented as remarkedly changed as the way we treat it now. but, i digress... we want these fancy ailments; its more sympathy, its more distinction, its more dignity in a morbid fashion. to say im deathly ill, or to say i have cancer, or to say i have hodgkins based non-lymphomic degenerative carcinoma; realisitically mean the same thing. but today, we urge the last term, it makes us an astute, special sounding paitent; for which we can further 'tailor' our treatments to.

back to the marriage question next time, lets first see this through; we push everything to the ME level. is this what i want; if not, its not acceptable any longer. look at boob-jobs... the operation of limited execution maybe 10 years ago, is now so abundant in our culture, id suggest keeping any woman with moderately large mammories away from any open flames for fear of combustion!, but the excuse is always the same, "i did it for me" [although im sure their current 'friend' aka sexual partner, probably values them as well] but it all has to revolve around the ME level again. Why didnt you vote?-- well it doesnt affect ME. Why do you exercise?-- well it will make men notice ME. Why do you dump your boyfriend?-- he was smothering ME. damn you Oprah Winfrey. your sappy shit "take a momment for us" vignetes and preachings in your multi-million circulating sources have sucked the culture out of our country, and reduced it to MEs. and thats what we have now really. MEs. just a crowd of people, who scream the desire to be more individualistic than the person next to them; just in the name of individuality. it should be pretty clear to see we carry this over to our relationships as well, shouldnt it? When your boyfriend 'smothers' you, what does that mean? probably something tragic like, he didnt want to watch "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood" with you and your mother, or that watching "Sex In the City" with you would only be tolerable if Sarah Jessica Parker threw a boob out once in a while... smothering you means only that we dont want to accept, and take second seat to your ME attitude approach to life. if your man beats you, i suppose thats a good reason to walk out on him; but because he doesnt want thursday morning yoga classes with you isnt. besides, all of you dress alike in the class, how is he supposed to find you? oh i forget.. you just scream 'ITS ME' like everyone else. forget you all. but dont worry, im not done with this topic.


ain't it fun~

s.