current musical selection: Rolling Stones - Some Girls [album]

Something is really starting to make me dread this comming school term... as i was sitting and thinking about whats come and gone, i keep forcing myself to look ahead to what will come; and it isnt necessarily going to be the best of times.

with the entire ARH cloud looming closer still, and with the pesky interference of grades and coursework still poking about; it seems i wont have much, if any, free time to speak of. im not sure i like that idea. although last year was probably nearly as busy, i still managed to create time to sit and relax, and just be around people and friends when i chose. im doubting this years schedule will again afford me such luxury.

obviously this is a pretty negative thought for me; but i think its more of a bring down to my friends. we all moved onto the same floor, within about oh 15 feet of each other, for the continued commradory... which i think will be lacking me. granted i will be around at times, but i think we both will have had similar expectations of which, i dont think, it will be possible for me to live up to.

i suppose i should also mention my personal life is bound to suffer some more as well, due to the workaholic nature of what ill be doing... but thats not really much of a concession to make, especially if you lived my [lack of] dating life. its funny how everyone always mentions that "some day you'll find the one" to me thats extremely freightening... not the notion of a match, though that too is pretty ludacris, but more over the notion that there is one out there... one, singular, uno, one. granted im sure its not intentioned that way, but why do we say it that way? surely it cant be meant that way, hell half this country's marriages end in divorce, and who knows how many of the remaining half are not plagued by infidelity or periods of mutual separation, both in mind and body, from one another. to me the thought of only having that 'one' possibility seems much more bleek than the million to one it ought to be... still its not like a billion to one odds are much more favorable.

the whole subject of marriage has been topic for many of my rants in real life conversation... forcing many people to become overly insecure and objective over my thoughts, but ill save most of you here, by-passing most of that for now. but what i will say is that marriage has been so down-graded in the past 2 generations in this country, that i seriously question why anyone would want to get married anymore? i know that people themselves definitely question this. marriage is something now which is a multi-billion dollar business... both getting married and getting un-married. infact weve created so many divorces and grounds for divorce, that its no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. honestly i think the underlying fault of all this has been the "me first" and "liberation" movements of the past 40 years. we push and push for me, me, me; and when marriage becomes 'too hard' or 'irreconsilable' we call it quits, and move on to number 2-4. honestly what was happening about 700 years ago, before we started issuing divorces? were people any more happy? were domestic disputes really that less frequent? i doubt it. life was harder then, more taxing on ones existence, and honestly domestic disputes and random wife beatings were quite abit more likely to ocurr; so then why the move to divorce in mass groves now? i mean, it sounds to the logical person, that divorces or similar remedy should have been abundant in those times, and they werent; what changed? us. weve demanded upon ourselves as a culture that everything has got to revolve around our ears. everything comes 'custom fit' now a days, everyone has to look unique and different, even in the trends they utilize to be unique [read: body piercing, tattooing, slut-tastic appearal]. even our scientific institutions have to be riddled with uniqueness for us; every disease now has a fancy 5-dollar name, and most likely will be recomended to a 'specialist' for consultation... ill be damned, but i havent seen the physical from of the homo-sapiens as documented as remarkedly changed as the way we treat it now. but, i digress... we want these fancy ailments; its more sympathy, its more distinction, its more dignity in a morbid fashion. to say im deathly ill, or to say i have cancer, or to say i have hodgkins based non-lymphomic degenerative carcinoma; realisitically mean the same thing. but today, we urge the last term, it makes us an astute, special sounding paitent; for which we can further 'tailor' our treatments to.

back to the marriage question next time, lets first see this through; we push everything to the ME level. is this what i want; if not, its not acceptable any longer. look at boob-jobs... the operation of limited execution maybe 10 years ago, is now so abundant in our culture, id suggest keeping any woman with moderately large mammories away from any open flames for fear of combustion!, but the excuse is always the same, "i did it for me" [although im sure their current 'friend' aka sexual partner, probably values them as well] but it all has to revolve around the ME level again. Why didnt you vote?-- well it doesnt affect ME. Why do you exercise?-- well it will make men notice ME. Why do you dump your boyfriend?-- he was smothering ME. damn you Oprah Winfrey. your sappy shit "take a momment for us" vignetes and preachings in your multi-million circulating sources have sucked the culture out of our country, and reduced it to MEs. and thats what we have now really. MEs. just a crowd of people, who scream the desire to be more individualistic than the person next to them; just in the name of individuality. it should be pretty clear to see we carry this over to our relationships as well, shouldnt it? When your boyfriend 'smothers' you, what does that mean? probably something tragic like, he didnt want to watch "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood" with you and your mother, or that watching "Sex In the City" with you would only be tolerable if Sarah Jessica Parker threw a boob out once in a while... smothering you means only that we dont want to accept, and take second seat to your ME attitude approach to life. if your man beats you, i suppose thats a good reason to walk out on him; but because he doesnt want thursday morning yoga classes with you isnt. besides, all of you dress alike in the class, how is he supposed to find you? oh i forget.. you just scream 'ITS ME' like everyone else. forget you all. but dont worry, im not done with this topic.


ain't it fun~

s.