Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Toxic

sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?

what else.. something else... gotta be...

ah .

i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.


its your love thats toxic

i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.

hmmm..

i know i wanted to put something else down here.

and i cant think of crap.


i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?


s.

something about waiting over an hour for your professor to show up late to their office hours isnt right. especially when it concerns a students grade, and it was known said student would be there at the begining of office hours. what else? i had to READ to her. she cant read my writing. best yet, shes shaking her head and making faces as i read it. she doesnt even like my point of view... which is factual. just explaining Emile Durkheim, as it was explained to me, by her, in class. not good. stupid fucking professors.

magister marce had an interesting point, that i just unearthed from my notes tonight. after reading catullus and his lovely [hack] poetry, he added a line...

were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.

that made me think.

i wonder.

that maybe.

some day.

if people...

find this....

read it

read it again


and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.


not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?



sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.

first reason; "in all my years, this is possibly the worst handwritting i have ever attempted to grade. i couldn't even attempt to grade it. "

and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.

second reason. shes pretty biased.

for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.

or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.

i hate this university. deeply.

Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Angie [cover]

well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.

well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.

i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.

so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.

but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time

the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.

so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.

in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.

Current Musical Selection: Rainbow - Rising.


sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.

some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.


s

Current Musical Selection: Rancid - White Knuckle Ride

well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.

ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.

s c o t t

elizabeth. my lordy. shes cute, shes blonde, shes thin, shes quiet, shes intelligent, she likes hard rock, she draws, shes hot, shes sensible, and shes in my latin class. thats the only downfall i suppose. i hate wanting girls from class. it never works out right. the rhetoric girls, the lit girl, the one from calc... none of these are good indications of success at this thing. that and shes young. younger than i should be looking at. still lives in the dorm. still calls mommy and daddy as such. but she looks over at me alot in class. often adds that constant hair flip and play. shes just suggesting that i watch more. ... ... ... and i do. sometimes i feel guilty doing that. falling for the same old tricks, in the same old ways. ill do the same old thing, and nothing will ever happen. nothing good atleast. this past year i even learned that doing everything different, and doing everything right still wont let you keep happiness. someone has to throw it away for you, if you dont. so i dont know. i do know shes very, very attractive to me. i guess thats hard to describe. most people could pick my outward type of person, but a precious few would know the inward type of person i look for. she seems like it. but then again, not so much like it. in her eyes, its a bit empty... more so than id like it to be. because that means something else to me. but there seems to be something alive in there. something interesting about her. but its altogether challenging to tell. she readily entices me to observe and flirt, but will not look on in the same way. more of a welcoming motion in, but wishing not to be welcomed herself. it is interesting. kinda like how im asserting all this from just looking at her in class. its all a game to her. moving spots everyday in a classroom the size of livingroom... the constant - hes not watching me watch him- glances. and the pretending not to see me, while still watching glances. it is nothing but a cruel, cruel game. a game of chance. a chance at something that is nothing more than a faux battle of witts and superiority of mind's precarious nature of the fleeting happiness and and lust that maintain our purpose for playing the game. its a smaller dinner cracker when you need a meal. and it is all very, very exhausting. but i digress away from the point of concern.


which...

is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.


s


arria. o dei immortales!

... and the Machine Head plays on.


so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?

i am your.. nightmares, true scares. that dream where you cant stop from fallin'

you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.

i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;

i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough

eventhough youll try and try...

because..

i am the thing..

bringing the feelings.


when


your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.

when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*




extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.

it never was supposed to be.








* Machine Head - Crashing Around You

another caucus is behind me. drop a second notch on my belt. thank you very much. more lata.

so here ya caught me in a coma.


and i dont think i wanna...


ever come back


to this world again.


kinda like it in a coma...


cuz no ones ever gunna...


ohhhhh


make me come back to this


world again.


sorta feels if im floatin away...


i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.


but my body's callin... my body's callin....

Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - 19th Nervous Breakdown


lots of hell is breaking loose around work.

first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.

then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.

lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?

Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Underneath It All


well... interesting day.

im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.

parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.

so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.

but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.

then it was time for birthday-bed-time.

YEAH!!!!!! ONE MORE DAY TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

wow.

today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...

new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.

work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....

haha. survived yet another xmas onslaught. did my shopping in the most record time yet... 1 day. in 3 stops. cant beat that? still came in under budget. everyone is happy. god. i think i might have done something right for once this year. time went fast though, that last week. now im holed up at the parents house for a few days. very little else has gone on lately. found out my winter-term class was cancelled, so now ill spend all break working. id much rather have gotten that last class done with, now ill have to pick it up with others... hopefully i can find a way out of a 17 semester hour spring term. im done doing that much busy work at once in my undergrad career. so instead im camping out for a few days here. davenport has changed. streets in new places. walmarts in new places. added a home depot here too. lots of random crap and capital improvements around the place. i noticed alot of it coming into town. i took the scott way home, cutting through gravel and county roads, and eventually meandering back through town to the house. saw lots. its funny like that. the more things can change, the more it can feel like home. more ironic than funny i suppose. sorry. its a short post. more sometime soon. dial up eats my butt.

tHe SkizzOtt

Current Musical Selection: A Perfect Circle - A Stranger

interesting situation arose at work tonight. for whatever reason a customer bought a label maker that was supposed to be 17 bucks.. its normally 50. well the cashier rang it up with the wrong numbers, swapped a couple, and comes up with some kind of trapper-binder think thats like 9 bucks. of course the cashier had no idea about the ad or the items in it... so they person, knowing its rung up wrong, says nothing and walks out with it. that was two weeks ago. come yesterday, the customer wants to bring it back and get money back for it. ofcourse we cant do it because the item isnt on his receipt. staples caves in. we realize the SKU was flipped, so they are willing to give him up to the 17 bucks back, even though he only paid 9. but the item isnt 9 dollars anymore. its 50 once again. he now demands 50 bucks. the cashier calls me up. i say go to hell. i call the manager up. she says well only do the 17... and told him... seeing as its double what he paid, he ought to take it. i let it slip that the item is actually 50 now. the customer stops. says. see ya. ill keep it then. fast forward to today. customer comes back in, demands the 50 bucks back. we say no. 17 only. customer takes all names down, and copies of the paper work, and is writing a letter of complaint to corporate against me and the manager. interesting situation to be in. i dont really care much about it. but it got me and the manager talking for 20 minutes about morales and ethics involved with it all. especially how the double standard exists. how its acceptable for the customer to say nothing when he pays half what he should, and doesnt correct it. but how its unacceptable for us not to give him double of THAT back later on. at what point are you being unethical when you change your intentions of a returrning an item when you find out the value of the item changes. besides, doesnt have to become highly unethical to then argue to get double what is owed to you, when you have no claim to it?

besides which, it parallels another circumstance at work for me. a girl who im somewhat friends with has been sicking out of work, on average, a day a week. lately shes gone over a week straight without showing up. management, who likes me, told me shes going to be fired for it. that they are waiting for a call back from corporate HR in Mass. to hear how to do it best. so do i have any ethical responsibility to tell the girl shes going to be canned? what if i said shes been working for the company for 4 years? what if i said shes been doing this for all 4 years? what if i said shes a good worker? what if i said shes never very good at her job? what if i said shes coming from a broken home? what if i said her boyfriend is a [convicted] drug-dealer? what if i said i felt sorry for her? and what if i said she does drugs too? makes the story quite interesting to think about. each layer to the story is true. all in all, while it may be moral for me to tell her, its not necessarily ethically required that i do so. well.. i guess not. i have to remind myself that what i was told by management was priviliged. as was the information i did not relay to them about her. any of which would likely only expediate the process. so i guess im not going to say anything. i can say she deserves to be fired. but honestly, she doesnt deserve to stay employed either. such and interesting day.

also got one nice compliment. i sold some guy a 400 dollar digital camera and shit to go with it, plus a plan on it. he told me he got hit by a master salesman. laughed when he said it, and just said its easy to do with good quality products. he laughed. he told me hes sold insurance for 30 years, he said he knew a good salesman when he heard one. that was pretty cool to hear. i guess i never consider myself to be a salesman. just someone that answers questions and moves shit around. but i guess i am. ive sold more in warranties than ive earned in wages. and i dont make a penny for it. i guess... if i did, id consider myself more of a salesman. intersting thoughts today.

last night was such a beautiful night to walk home. so quiet and peaceful out. no cars. no people. nothing at all, but the freshly fallen snow. just a quiet, pristine world around me. although it took a while to regain my snow-legs.... but once i did, it was worth it taking the long walk home. cold air didnt matter. nor the wind. not on a night like that. a night where all the mistakes of mothernature are covered over in a new fresh blanket of purity. the green grass stuck out in places, and sure not all the trees have lost their leaves yet. but it was all concealed if not for the first time this season. the first snowfall is really remarkable. it changes alot of things. it changes our clothing, our eating habbits, how we walk, when we go to things, it dictates what we can and cant do for plans. but i still couldnt help but think about that little curiousity. where fresh white snow, is pulled across the earth like a veil over what lies before us, all is hidden and replaced with this image. no matter what the truth may be, how green that grass is, how soggy the soil, or warm the pavement, the fresh white snow hides all from our eyes. its a clean start. its demanding of something more than words, yet the more i think about it, the fewer words i can come up with to describe those non-verbal thoughts. hidden away underneath is the coating she wants us to see. fresh, new.

tomorrow is interesting. its Lsat day. im kind of worried. im worried about worrying for the things i cant change. that test is designed to show me, no matter what type or amount of preparation, what type of true skills i have, that are valuable in deciding, for me, a career in law. and i cant change that. nor the test. and probably not how i even respond to the questions. i worry about that a great deal. everyone i know is wishing me luck on it; but luck wont matter much... not nearly as much as whats inside of me.

and for those keeping score at home, i did manage to get the phone number from that hot volleyball player. oh yeah!

Current Musical Selection: Hanoi Rocks - Delerious

after another long class period of listening to people's sad tales of woeful mistreatment of the nations' immigrants, i feel as though there is nothing i can do to clearly state my boredom with it all. for once, it would be nice for people to accept the bare presentation of fact that exists in the business world, and in the social world around us. lets kill a couple of happy cloud dreams shall we? i pick one such group; but you can make very similar arguments for any unseccessfully included immigrant group in this nation.

mexican-americans, are earning signifficantly less money than caucasian americans, even less than other immigrants from other countries [besides central america]

mmmhmm. this has quite a bit to do with 4 main areas; language, social mobility and social connection, legal immigration status, job market competition. the biggest reason so many of these people earn statistically less is because so many are jobless, or can only except extremely low paying jobs. why? look above again. legal immigration status is the largest reason. in the post 9-11 days, we will find it continually less likely to slide past or around any sorts of immigration laws or identification procedures. in fact, even my company is asking for 2 forms of identification to process my check, and they know who i am. being able to prove legitimate emmigration [notice, not immigration] status is important, and it always has been. without proving status, its next to impossible to find employment past season labor, or something that will require high turnover [and likely low pay to match], or a field of work given exception by the federal government [some states as well; but mainly their few and far between now... used to be popular in California, Arizona, Texas, and across to the midwest for the growing seasons]. so if you cant prove you can legitimately work here, you wont be allowed to. lets also put the statistic out there that Mexican-Americans are sighted as having the largest rate of illegal immigration status in this country. thats a problem. second, they arent speaking the language of higher wage employment. should they be able to find a job, its going to be in a connected field of work or similar comfort zone where they wont be risking their [un]nationalized status. ie- working for a lawn care service or meat packing house that employs large amounts of known illegals. it could also include family ties... working at a local shop a family member owns, which would likely not report the income and wages to the IRS, and instead pay in cash. this is true for many other ethnicities as well. asian-americans have been doing this for generations; with stereotypical restaraunts and the like employing the entire family off one or few legalized citizens. the problem mexican-americans are facing that other groups are not, are their reluctance to ever file for citizenship. its then this social mobility and connection that prevents upward mobility, capping high wage earners to small, small numbers. the immigrants are forced to stay with in these lower wage, but more secure [legally wise] and comfortable circles for employment; which as a whole are not high wage areas. example. one child from a family starts a market in a spanish neighborhood. several family members follow him later on [illegally], and take up residence and work for them. maybe they also help work at other places in the neighborhood--- but scarcely outside of that. as succuessful as these small enterprised might be; they pale in comparision to the wages that could be earned from a large company... thats not going to be in their neighbor hood. secondly these circles hold them back in mobility as they make no networking connections to higher wage earning communities. example. working at an office supply store will bring you into contact with business owners and company reps, from my company alone 4 individuals in 2 years have left to work for a company by meeting through contacts from our store. you arent going to find the HR director of GE-Westinghouse shopping, randomly, through small town, mexican speaking sections, and exclusive mom and pop stores in ultra urban california. since the interaction is limited with the community, they rarely seek anything beyond minimal contact with necessary areas [walmart, health clinics, police/fire response] so they have cut themselves off from their best asset--- shopping around in the outside market. language is also a barrier. unlike many different emmigrant groups, who do make the attempt to learn english, the mexican-american subculture is largely making no movement for this. infact there is in fact, great resistance to learning english as a whole. why learn it? the isolated innterconnected communites dont use english, and with that limited contact to the outside world, there isnt much need for it. so they refuse to. its also all bundled up in a wicked mix of national identity and race relations, which the liberal movementarians have categorized as a positive image in our society, so we find the country quickly fractionalizing in to small groups, and strongly solidifying into those groups. because its sooo important to be diverse, we have wildly interjected groups of people together with nothing in common, no will to coexist, and no means to come together. the most worsening factor has been gorwing resentment and anxiety between groups forced together. this type of reaction is commonly seen to amount in one of a few ways; and its finding its own way to become solidy. scared of being interjected into a society that doesnt accept them [no english language skills, no legal citizen status, and refusal to move beyond familial relations], they turn inward. they are only strengthening the factors that this diverse worldview is pushing them against. try it on your own. pick a grammar school, 2nd grade students, at a lunch table. separate boys and girls for a week at lunch. then the next week put a 10% mix of girls into the boys group, and vice versa. watch what happens. name calling, isolation, chastisement, abandonment, anger. all of these are common human reactions to the introduction to a new and unfamiliar setting, its no wonder its happening on a much larger scale. then put all of those factors together, and place one person from this group against any other american; and find me an employer is willing to take that immigrant 1 out of 10 times. what business is going to hire an indiviudal that doesnt speak your language, has low levels of education [due to] no legal citizenship, no well connected references, and a growing fear/hostility to the world outside their own? isnt this then easy to see why the wages arent high on average, why the job market outlook is dismal at best? i guess not. these kids are waisting their time trying to prove that pink clouds of happiness really are in a black sky line. use your mind. not the garbage this university feeds you about diverse settings, cultural sensitivity, or positive minds make positive realities. look for the green dollar. who holds it? learn why they have it. youll learn many more truths about the world around you that way, than by ever listening to these people with degrees preaching the get-along- speeches of 30 years ago.

Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - Oh Sister

well i guess i have nothing to worry about. here i was, nevous and unsettled. hoping i could actually cook everything alright. i got up early to start on everything. the bird in the oven at 9am. had real [not minute variety] wild rice going at 10. plus jello and stuff. everything was going well. then the reality sunk in. the nervousness reappeared because no i wasnt so sure that my cooking would be the problem. i hadnt seen her in months. i didnt want to screw this up. just wanted a nice day. forget about everything else. have a nice meal. so two people dont feel so lonely on this day. so i called; as scheduled to, right at 1pm. no answer. wait 10 minutes. call again. nothing. once more 20 minutes later. finally i get an excuse. guess what? a no show. table was set, drinks were poured. im cradling the phone as im carving up the bird. all i was missing was the guest. i hung up. seems like a waste. yeah, it is a waste. 50 bucks worth of food. one person. another day solitude. yet another meal in silence. and i guess i dont know why i try anymore. i tried so fucking hard, just to put everything together at the last minute; because i thought it would be nice. and im sitting at the table by myself. and now im not hungry. im looking at all this food. all the effort it took to get everything set just right, and i cant figure out why. alot of people would cry at this point. and thats ok. i can understand why that would happen. but i didnt. i just let it sit there. and i looked at it. and just tried to figure out why.

thank you to someone for memorable meal that wasnt.

it really was strike three for you.


happy thanksgiving to everyone out there,
hope everyone has better luck than me this year

procrastinating.

but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...

Current Musical Selection: Nazareth - Love Hurts

well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.

tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.

Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Everytime

" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "

well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.

...

there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.

i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.

Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - After All The Dead

"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"

"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"

"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"

"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."

"after all. after all. after all. "

bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.

grand total = 3. this drunk ass flamer thought he could stagger around my apartment building at 2:20 in the morning and get away with it. especially with such memorable words like "help me" "take me out of here" "they are going to get me" he deserves to get his ass hauled away in a squad car. thank you iowa city police department. you do the work that rest of the community takes for granted. to the drunk ass: never, ever come back into my building again like that. and if you ever, ever, ever think try some kind of a threatenting move on me; be prepared to live on a respirator the rest of your unnanatural life, because when i strike to incapacitate; i never miss.

again.. i detest people that have no personal thoughts, and rely solely upon song lyrics for a post... but.. because it just matches my thoughts right now.

" just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my mind. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."

" trouble always seems to find a way to live inside my mind. my haunted hell and me remain alone. underneath the masquerade is a simple man who's so afraid; i try to find a light to guide me home. mamma please just hold me tight; feeling so afraid tonight, because youre the only one that really knows..."

" that im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my life. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."

" fighting for my sanity. many nights of tragedy. tried to leave my reached remains behind...

" im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces from my mind. running out of faith and hope and reasons... im running out of time."

Ozzy.

and the grand total rises to 2.

2 different people have now felt my rath. first were the potheads, and now... now the tribe of drunks feels the burn. the sheer anger in their drunken stupor as they bitch to the police officer and i, as their out of state car is towed away. too bad fuck heads. "they should have written it down that we cant park here" --- its actually posted in a couple different places dude. "like something id SEE or something man." its a white sign on a dark building; with a bright light 3 inches away from it. "fuck you" - thanks, fuck yourself. have fun cashing in beer bottles for your impound fees.

what a night. what a day.

Current Musical Selection: Col Parker - Angel's Run

im starting to get anxious. not in the good way, but in the bad way. im official now; LSATs are coming on Dec 6th, whether im ready or not. probably my last major research presentation on the 12th of Nov for my major, then a possibly make or break latin midterm later that week. not to mention the bullshit busy work inbetween; and ofcourse work its self. it should be an interesting span of days. each is going to impact my life to come [at least for the next few years], so i think im due to be a bit apprehensive about it all. maybe more so im impatient. id rather not sit and study for it, learn it all, or prepare for it. id rather get it all done. its the time inbetween thats driving me insane. i guess its the time between knowing i have to prove myself, and the wait until i can do it; is that which drives me insane. like i said, it should be an interesting span of days for me.

ive intensified my efforts to study; and i fear its not enough. ive logged about 20 hours in the library this week alone [ and its only wednesday], the next few days will be worse im sure. id like to go home and finish my parents computer [its half built, with all parts waiting in my room], but i know im going to want to stay around and get nothing done... and besides, all the materials i need are going to be in the U's library. damn near under lock and key. atleast there is never a line to use the microfilm machines... heh. i bet most of the kids here dont know where they are, much less how to use them. so thank you mom for those years of doing genealogical work; ive learned something usefull [yet again] that college never taught me. go college!

had an interesting conversation with a co-worker tonight. seems im not the only soc major in the town, that detests the place. kendra says shed much rather live outside of city limits. im glad someone else sees this place for what it is. everything i see around here looks the same. i guess immersing myself in research data on the subject isnt too healthy of an indulgence... but neither is walking through beer cups in the hallway each weekend, or dodging the barf stains and broken bottles that cover the sidewalks of the town. *sigh* i know i dont fit in.

its all so hard to say i have a realistic and necessary position in this place; when it appears im so out of place. sitting around eating dinner at 11pm at Village Inn, i hoped to find more people like me. i was wrong. the place was fairly alive and moving with people in pairs and groups. laughing, talking, conversing. i sat alone in a booth in the corner in my silence. i suppose i could have said something, but then again, id be responsible for responding to myself... and that wouldnt look too good. so i did my latin. like a good boy [bona puer], and borrowed from the people around me. i suppose thats what i have to do in order to fit in. live each day like its someone elses to live; and hope that in the end, no one notices i never did.

hell i suppose theres alot more places you can go with it too... i layed awake for over an hour thinking about some of the relations in the film. take the irony of the Man With No Eyes [who doesnt SPEAK!], and where he shoots Luke... hmm.. someone left an angry message about how Luke couldnt be gay... well... how about how is woman left him, how about how he has to FAKE the picture with women to gain acceptance with the rest of the men, or how Luke seems unaffected by the woman washing the car, and how he doesnt have flashes like the rest of the men in the camp. could it be so far out there to say that Luke is not like everyone else; who are licking the boots of this woman just for memories... selling glances at women in print.. and why everything is a struggle for Luke, how he wont disclose his past, how he yearns to fit in... etc. etc. maybe its just a boring movie about a man fighting with God. maybe its nothing more than a man trying to escape the devil. or just something having to do with death. yes, just death. but there are so many things about the movie that i dont understand... watch it.

kinda like Easy Rider. i watched that one again tonight. the end always gets me. it comes out of no where. i suppose most of the movie doesnt make a hell of alot more sense, even the plot is rather sketchy. i have yet to see the point of showin the opening scenes about the drug deal. instead, it would have made a much more powerful film just assuming these are two normal guys that society cant fathom at its current state [much in the way George's [Jack Nicholson]'s speech iterates]. hell. even George's death isnt very well done. seems like a poor way to get rid of a character used for the commentary in only 2 places. one about the acceptance/rejection of the 60's evolving counterculture; and second to show the lack of effect on a quasi normal person immersed in teh drug culture of the time. remember george questions the weed, gives the answers people popularly assume should deter those from drugs, and still nothing happens to him BECAUSE of the drugs. instead it is the mask of the entire subculture that brings about his death. something --- i stress again--- could have been done in much better ways... like the scene in the dinner... very good. the trip sequence in the graveyard is out of place, and so is the whole shitty 8mm filming sequence that precurses it. just artistic crap. especially the various fades and pans used in the film... nothing more than for art's sake. but the scenery is beautiful for most of the movie. i guess that doesnt make up for the entire lack of plot [other than a druggy road trip]. but it came out at roughly the same time as Cool Hand Luke. both use a very distinct and cliched subculture to make their commentaries about greater society. just some parts of them do it better than others. especially flamming motorcycles shooting across a field. what does that prove again? anyway. watch them both. think about them more than just the pretty pictures. youll realize a few more things about life than you ever cared to notice before thinkin of it that way.

well ive never seen all of Cool Hand Luke before. just about 20 minutes here and there, and ofcourse the snipet used in GnR's Civil War. so watching the movie was cool. knowing only that the movie was pretty well recieved in the late 60s during its release, and also knowing that this is one of the movies that made Paul Newmann, it was worth watching; aside from the fact that it was up for Academy Awards in 67. i probably watched it on one of the original reels. very grainey, very out of balance colors. so it was very true to what i guess id expect to have seen then. turns out its not so much a drama as it has comedic parts, and it has too many weighty sections to be laughable. havent quite figured it out. it is going to go on my xmas list. maybe some commentary or something on the DVD may help jog my thoughts... but ive pieced together that the movie its self is much more complex than the simple prison life story it containts. death figures in, but not really how youd expect... not like in Shawshank, Green Mile, or Last Castle even... instead death presents its self in a quite way. much like the Man With No Eyes. who, actually does have eyes... and we see them, vaguely at two points... but call him The Man With No Voice, as it seems more fitting. anway; its a struggle about redemption. ill put money there. not alot. but ill bet the spread on it. it has much more to do with that then happiness. religion is a central role, but not as clearly major as some people will think it is. the overtones are obvious, but its what its suggesting thats more important as a story. it also has something to do with fitting in. not the ultra obvious that Luke doesnt fit it; but that HE DOES. more importantly its about Luke's ability to cross over from fitting in, to becoming a misfit; to fitting in again. his ability to walk this line is something that seemed important to me. why? well in a movie about redemption; which is anything but an exact science; we find constant metaphors and visuals of straight lines. train tracks, walls, ledges, boards, roads, fences. even the bricks in the HotBox are positioned in very straight rows [compared to the falling apart structure] as is the hole that Luke digs for himself. interesting. besides whenever we have Luke fleeing, he crosses these things. he meanders across roads, fences, bridges, lines, traintracks. again, showing that the road to redemption is not a logical one. so it is about redemption. and its not about religion. why? no. thats too easy. come on. look past that. its about Luke and his father... the same relationship exploited by Speilberg and Lucas years later... but its Luke and his father. the father he never knows, the son he can never guide. this is why God is The Old Man, this is why Luke only begins his wanderings after his mother's death; because he is in search of his father. his father though, never having been named or met, stalks Luke. through the war, through his law problems, until the end. is The Man With No Eyes metaphorically Lukes father? could be. im torn between that and the signiffigance of the Captain. his role means something more. The Man... never corrects Luke; that IS IMPORTANT to understanding the relation with the father; but so is the Captain. the Captain is the one that brings Luke back, the Captain is the one that corrects Luke, the Captain is the one trying to tie Luke home.--- just like Luke's mother. Lukes mother wants Luke to behaive, to have grandchildren.. Luke is the child she put her hope in to. but she dies in vain. i dont get that one. but i like her line about people... people should be more like dogs... that someday even a bitch wouldnt know'd her own pups anymore, and it would save her the pain of watching them. lots of things i need to watch for again. besides... think of the little stuff. why The Man kills only animals... what about the ironic scene of the white man in chains before two black boys. how about the metaphors about war, and why The Man removes the bolt from his rifle, and forces prisoners to bring it to him. but im settling on this for tonight... it has much more to do with redemption than a simple story. religion isnt so important to it. Luke could be gay. and we should all do a little more to find out about our fathers. watch it sometime. i know im missing it. the main line of this story is something i can see pieces of, but i cant quite get my hands around. its frustrating. it makes it another movie to buy and watch again....

Fraud Is Fun

gee isnt it. fraud is fun? deception is game, and its the best kept secret one can have. kinda like buying a phone on ebay.. listed as new in box... still wrapped and stickered... THATS STOLEN. Fraud Is Fun. its crooked fun i suppose. maybe Phun even. but the rigors of staying fraudulent... those are pretty concrete. so Fraud is Phun. i got a great paper weight out of this. it lights up and everything. does calculations, laptimes, games... hell its even supposed to answer my phone calls for me... but it wont. since its a stolen phone. im working on clearing my name in the legal legistics circus this will become. but Fraud Is Phun! att then gets my money; again for service, and now for another phone. one that does work. best part is ATT wouldnt even tell me who is the rightful owner of this stolen phone. i offered to ship it back to the owner, at my expense, because its the right thing to do. a no go. ATT said they dont know, and dont care. they are just happy that no one can ever use this phone again. except me. or who ever it really belongs to. sigh. Fraud Is Phun.

i need to get away from here. im gone the next few days.

[you are smart. we both know youll read this, and youll know why i left]

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan - The Girl From The North Country

well.. im not as mad as i was earlier. its hard to stay angry with music like this. bob slows down his song and teams up with Cash sometime in 1969 to pull off the song. sounds very different. very comfortable. very relaxed. very sorrowful. i almost like it more than the original. if you want it, let me know... i will trade this mp3 as its never been published [officially] to my knowledge.

latin is stupid. it makes sense. and there are days i still enjoy it. but its hard to feel like i can enjoy it when i dump so much time into it for nothing; then just get beat down for missing a day here and there. bob doesnt realize what goes on in my life; or that i work more hours than he does. add job hours plus just inclass hours, and youve got near a 50 hour week. thats not counting the time for this unending outside of class crap. soc may still kill me yet 2 research projects due soon. 1 in about 3 weeks. another gets a month repreive. im more excited about the first one. lots of work to do, lots of things to get done. plus i have to present on it. im not sure really what im going to end up saying for 30 minutes about my work. that scares me. maybe ill know when i get it done.

well this is day 2 on this set of clothes... i fell asleep in them last night and never changed or showered. i feel gross. but its comfortable and warm atleast. tomorrow i really need to shower. sleep would be nice. but its going to be in short supply for a few weeks more. i slept about 4 hours last night... maybe as much tonight. hopefully more tomorrow night. but well see. bless those who get the sleep they deserve. it is a luxury God has not afforded me. but aslong as i dont have to do the 4 days in a row, like i did last year; ill be ok. slept saturday night, was up all day sunday, night, monday, night, tues, night, wednesday, half the night. slept thursday. was up thursday night and friday. it was a scary stretch. prolly shortened my life by 4 years. so dont be like me kids.

i think ive surprised people this past week, demonstrating that i can cook without burning down the place. coacn and mouse were the first victims... jeff and khaldee got their dose of poison tonight. anyone else who wants me to cook for them just ought to drop me a line. its not so bad. sure beats cooking for myself every night. at least then i have someone to talk with as i do it.

ive been thinking over my situation of the future. im not sure whats going to happen. i was set to do LSATs this summer, now im starting to balk away from it. i think i need a strong kick to get me to do it. because i need to. i guess the future just kind of scares me. more likely than not, i wont be here in a years time. ill be somewhere. without anyone i know around me. even for a non-people person like myself, its hard to think about. but i guess its got to happen. things just have to move along somehow.

other than that, my mind is full of things. lot of what i wrote last night stays there. i really do need to talk about it. aaron was right; ive got to just let it go... the hell with timing, situation, or what they think. i do need to be honest and let it go. i guess, as much as im reluctant to do it, im glad i do have friends out there that i know are right. i fight with myself when i know how much it means to me. and i shouldnt do that. it shouldnt be this way... the whole situation is wrong... so i guess its time [according to my horrorscope] that i step to the plate to start the bargaining process.

other than that... im feeling burnt out. its early yet. lots of things to go. but i feel it. im dragging. i ache. im tired. its setting in.

x

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Volume 8


pissed.

i hate latin. i spent like 4 hours doing translations and studying up on shit; we didnt hand a FUCKING SCRATCH of it in. im pissed. and on top of that i got the normal lip service that my translations suck. fucking hell. why. why require a language again?

"i dont remember whose blood this is... but ive got a hammer inside my head..."

[more later]

i dunno.

i think.

and then i dont know.

i went for a long walk last night. real late. sometime after about 2am.

i was talking to someone... and i wanted to let go with too much.

so i had to shut myself up.

and i walked.

i ended up somewhere around the Oral B plant...

then i just sat and thought for a while.

came back home.

passed out in my clothes and shoes.

i woke up this morning.

it/they were still on my mind.

so all day i droned about.

trying not to think; but having my thoughts drift away anyway.

and i dont know.

i dont know anything more than i ever did.

but i know how i feel.

but does that count for much?

does what matters to me, matter much to you?

i just think outloud sometimes.

i like hearing it.

maybe it all makes more sense, if it sounds like someone else is saying it.

but im thinking it.

last night i wanted to say it.

but i kept it to myself.

i need to say it.

i need to say something.

it gets harder everyday not to.

and i want so badly to say something.

im tired of holding back what i feel, and what i want...

im tired of holding back myself.

i just want it the way it should be.

the way it makes sense.

the way that feels right.

nothing else ever felt so right in my entire life.

last night i thought about how things could be.

i thought i could live with certain things.

how i couldnt without others.

why cant it be that way?

why cant it be the way that we wanted it to be?

why cant it be the way that was natural for us?

why cant it just be for us?

but i say too much.

i think even more.

Current Musical Selection: just the rain falling through the open window

werk is annoying. aggrivating even. tonight i spent my 6 hours putting stock away. stuff that should have been done 2 weeks ago; that should have definitely been taken care of during the reflow, but was just thrown in to carts and totes in the lockup area. i spent 3 hours going through it all, sorting out the lockup closet and putting shit out. shit we were out of; but wouldnt get replacements for because they were in the store... just not on the shelf. i didnt mind doing that so much. hiding away in a dark room, no windows, 1 door, no customers. but they couldnt leave me alone. they kept paging me out to deal with people for the stupidest reasons. it made the job take much longer than it should have. granted it should have been done weeks ago. stupid shit, like some ho-bag wanting to know if theres a difference between 6 foot and 10 foot printer cables. hmm. she should rethink this college thing. or cashiers who never read the ad's we have out. so when customers come up demanding sale prices, they have no clue. i dont even talk now. i just whip out a copy of the ad and slam my finger down on it... no fumbling, no searching, i memorized the ad items, why cant they?

so thats why they lock me away in a storage closet with high-ticket items. i suppose the microsoft shelf of software alone is worth a tidy sum... we had 12 copies of office xp pro.. at $599 a copy.. but never mind the shelves of digital cameras... shit so expensive i cant afford to open the box without someone elses signatures. but it was fun. even when they page me to deal with a hindu guy that cant understand the difference between DVD and CD-R. but it aggrivates me that we deal with a world of idiots, and must cater to them. i cant ever bitch slap someone and laugh because they are an idiot. i just have to smile and politely explain things 9 times to them. even then they dont get it. which is sad. because that means they wont buy a warranty on it. which means i get chewed out. which is sad that it has to come down to that.

but there was a bright spot to my day. some little boy with downs syndrome came up to me and gave me a hug. i stood there talking to his mother about printers, and he just kept hugging away at my leg. she tried to pull him off, but i told her it was ok. and it was. the little guy had a lot of energy, and he was pretty happy to show it off. maybe not all the customers are bad. just most of them.

random shit. i hate latin. it pisses me off. i do like bible class, i got an A back on my paper [done the night before... but i thought about what i was going to do with it off and on for 3 days]; i wish my car had gas in it. seems like its always on less than 1/4 tank; i dont understand why pens have to be pointed, sharp, or mash your fingers when you write with them; i cant understand people that dont speak clear english.... broken english is fine, but heavy accents aggrivate me; i cant ever remember to water my plants- ill end up killing one pretty soon; i wish people would break down and talk to me about whats going on, i feel so helpless about what i know is an issue[s] in their life, and we both know im the one to help them through that, besides ive got alot of things i want to confess to them; i kinda wonder why plastic stuff never caught on much before 15 years ago... especially the plastic pop bottles that wont shatter when i get pissed and toss them- cant say the same for printer/scanner/copiers though; i wish dvd's would come down in price... up the price of the players some, drop the movies... thats all that prevents me from converting now; i wish wed go back to using parallel ports for something... serial too; raincoats arent all that valuable to have, except on a night like this; god bless the man who created liquid bandage [like krazy glue, but with anti-bacterial poo in it]; fuck microsoft for charing so much damned money for a product [like office xp], and giving ZERO discounts on it before the launch of office 2003 on oct 21st; fuck microsoft in general; fuck lexmark more for making pieces of shit; hell... fuck HP for making printers that look like pieces of shit... atleast they work though; kiss my ass college of liberal arts, your attendance policies need some work; they guy that made closed loop, tight woven carpet should show up at my house to help me find shit i drop on the floor; why the hell cant i ever sleep comfortably anymore? when will i stop thinkin about you at night? what do i want for my birthday presents... other than a law school acceptance letter! prop's to turkey for staying tasty longer than its supposed to; major prop's to scheels sporting goods for leaving out knife sharpeners to try, and keeping M1 garand replicas on the shelf to play with; maybe someone special will come along... because after a day of random shit and random thoughts like this; i could really, really use some time alone with someone to reduce the lonlieness.

old habbits reappear... fighting the fear of fear... growing conspiracy... myself is after me... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling.... hear them calling me.

Current Musical Selection: Gypsie Kings - Escucha Me

well ive now seen El Mariachi. it wasnt bad. i was expecting somethings, let down by others. but its a pretty fair start to the Desperado Trilogy. the only thing that really messed with my mind was the recasting of the main character from El Mariachi in Desperado as Campras, Antonio' Banderas's Machinegun toting friend at the movies climax battle. i even checked the credits to be sure, but it is him. or how about how Bucho and Moco are really the same. after watching El Mar- then Desperado, it kinda of made me mad. that and i dont see how El Mar- can actually findhimself to be in love with the bar wench from El Mar- but NOT with Salma Hayek... my god... id forgotten just how beautiful Hayek really is. [seeing that momentary porno scene in Desperado helped]; but i guess im not really clued in on that. or.... or how there is very little exposition to build between Hayek and Banderas's initial meeting. not at all how id have written or progressed the story... almost seems like its a cop out to make them feel like best friends when theyve never met. El Mar- did it better with the bar wench... guh. i dunno. i suppose im paying too much attention to it all. i was rewatching Desperado for details. so little symbolisims catch my eyes... like the scorpion on Banderas's jacket and the scorpion warning sign in the opening scene. plus... from watching El Mar- first.. the story does NOT progress as clearly into Desperado... almost seems like Desperado was a re-write of the original, plus a few story details held over.

ouch.

so i guessed wrong. yet again. cool girl from work? yep. shes got a boyfriend. i didnt really want to hear many more details about it. just felt generally embarrased about it. spent some time out behind work tonight watching the ducks. we have the airport then lots of greenspace until our property... and in that greenspace is a rentention pond... the ducks like to float around and quack. i sat out there and threw most of a baggie of doritos at them. just the darkness, the ducks and me. i guess i kinda feel dumb for asking... but i shouldnt. and i know that i shouldnt. but thats where i sat, feeling like a retard. watching the ducks huddle up together on the pond. i guess i dont understand why it all looks so easy. why its anything but easy for me. its not true at all that i cant find people. just that.. i guess those are the people that want me the least. so it feels. and i cant really explain that any more plainly that i do. ive always been tought that youre supposed to find this one great person to share your life with. and i watch it happen. and i thought it happened to me. and i watched it fall apart. and i tried. i tried to stop it, i tried harder to change what was going on. i guess to reiterate what i meant. and there i sit alone watching the ducks at night. sometimes i envy the ducks i suppose. ducks dont feel like jackasses for trying not to be lonely. they all just cuddle up together. the ducks dont feel useless for loving someone; sometimes i do. and i shouldnt. i shouldnt feel bad. but its hard to feel much. other than confused and alone. some nights are better than others. sometimes i envy the ducks.

it all means something.


A Lament.


"and so how am i supposed to feel" the first man cried out.

he was answered by a voice from the darkness, from within, yet from around,
' he who feels grief, feels pain. explore your pain, and learn why you grieve. '

"why? why must i torment myself for all of this" he said, as he stretched out his hands. his voice became erratic; "and what do i have to show for it? hmm? for all of this... this turmoil, this blood, this anger, this hostility. what is it i earn? i sought peace like a noble man, i fought for the justness that ought to be, i comfort those that suffer, and i choose to love out of devotion... and what the fuck does all that matter now?" he dropps his hands. "what is it worth? what are these, more than just words? are not my feelings, are not my triumphs valuable to some end? my acts, are they not worthy?"

' he who fears no wrongs, committs many; but dwells on none '

" so i was wrong then? all along, ALL ALONG, ive been wrong to do what ive done? to live the way i live, to fight for what i fight, to hold beliefs in confidence, and to be faithful in my heart to those that i love; that was wrong? '

' he who loves must loose. '

" and its a game? its rigged, its crooked. there is no equity, there is nothing of fairness... because in the end, You... YOU take away everything that is me. all that i have done, all that i will do, all that i know and believe. the things that i wish, the tears that ive shed, the love that ive left. You just take it... and i? i have nothing. now i am cast aside, now i am the undesired; i am that person that i wished to help."

' he that casts away the balast of the soul, will only be weighted by its absence'

" so it is. so it is my friend; it is that i feel heavy. that these matters of gravity and substance are those that provoke the turmoil, that have spoiled the man before you, and left him the wretched husk you see. is it because i took pride? is it because i desired? is that why i must be punished in this way? is that why you torment me; not with pikes and coals; but loathing and emptiness. the truest torture a man must endure is that which he illicits to himself. so then why must it continue? so what is the point? you control me. you lead me. you challenge me. yet you fail me, you chastize me, and you deny me."

' let him be punished in the way that no mortal may bring, let his punishment be mankind herself'

"so to the ends of the earth, am i to be this way? untl the dust of my bones yet again merges with the salt of the earth, i am to be plagued?" he falls. " those that i pleasured before, do they now rejoice for my death? will my death not be contained in their joy, their tears and their celebration, for they which i love... they will wish my doom sooner than they accept me?"

' . . . '

"and so it is. so i am to die. and my death will mark a time of great satisfaction for those around me. the unpleasantries of me, the view of me, all will be ridden from their minds, their very souls kept clean of my shame. and what do i take solace in, knowing my fate? how do i go about this life of pain and shit that You give to me, knowing that only my death... my total absence and impossibility of return, will command favor to those which i love most?"

' thus death is a stage of life, the living must die, and the lifeless live on. let not one man succomb to the desires of death, let him fast of it. yet have him drink earnestly of the life which he is given.'

" that everyone must treat me as a monster, and keep me from them... keep me from being again, a man. reduce me to that which you see with the eyes, and deny what the heart once held. that is Your game? You say be happy with this lot? let them all see me as pittiful, let them all neglect me? that is how you punish the good man... you deny him this duty to do good... then compell him embrace his wretched life? so then what am i for? what is the reason for keeping me around. CAN YOU NOT SHOW YOUR POWER AND KILL ME! slay me in my shoes, and let the blood of this foulest piece spoil the earth on which it congeals. make me the fucking spectacle of your show, show THEM the power You wield, by crushing me. me, a mortal man, that desired the good. death is the reward for it all. but only after my fate far worse than death, torment me, i say, torment me in all Your wrath... leave me the humbled one. let none return the love to me that i let flow to them. i deny that life you give me, if it must be the living death of my soul. this is Your EXTREME power? belittling one man. one mortal. one solitary man. because all is important. and their is no justice to Your actions. you deny the man his right to do good, to love, what more can you withold before he is no longer man, but a monster, filled with the contempt of those around him? what can you do to that monster that is me, that they havent done? and why shouldnt i wish for death?"

' for love is not lust, and truth is not verified. find then, ye mortal, that which eludes you. try as you must, but your days here are numbered, and the journey is much longer than you would live. but it is not the object of your desire, it is not the love you wish to make; it is the pursuit of, the loving for the sake of another, that i wish to be blessed. it is the struggle within that commands my adoration. it is your disavowment of what i show you that i punish'

and the man could only weep. it was sorrow that overcame his self. living did not matter to the man, if it meant living without that life where he could act, where he could do good, and where he could love. and he lie stretched out over the earth, until his tears stained crimson with blood, ceased.