procrastinating.

but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...