i watch the Some Kind of Monster documentary about Metallica tonight.

eh.

just eh.

as a documentary, its perfect. i didnt realize they took in nearly 2 years of material to get it. absolutely a testament in editing and patience on the part of the production crew to watch this thing develop. but i cage my "eh's" around the band.

when i say "eh" its not in a lackluster sense. its in the, slump head forward, and running out of breath from frustration, you let out the "eh." i never realized how hard that band worked to generate a bad record. i never realized how money wasnt an issue for people like that. the problem they have with a therapist, which they dont talk about till the end of the 2 years, isnt that the money they pay him [40k per month], or that hes moving into their neck of the woods [riding that cash cow], but that they think they dont need him. a smarting blow, offered in a stately fashion of people that obviously decide who they put around them based on no real reasoning of the moment. just because.

its hard to watch these people and even for a moment think they relate to what made them famous. kirk maybe is the split. the separatist. i can get that. he made his cash, and he wants to be left alone. he wants to write music because thats what he likes to do. lars flops around on leather couches drinking 300 dollar bottles of champagne while he makes millions selling art. and james just runs off for a year. even when hes there, hes more interested in pictures of hunting bears, or attempting to dictate a disasterous schedule on the band. then to watch the egos flare up. its really a strong push to get that 'eh' out there at the end. when the producers force this rising-tide sort of ending to it all... like, watch out world, metallica got a new bass player and wow are they going to rule the world again!

they ruled the world because they were drunk, because they were drug addicts, and because they played louder and faster and heavier than the people around them in that era. theres nothing wrong with that. but there just wasnt something right, about watching james with his kid at ballet, or the chorus of shit they all sing out at the mention of jason newstead.

playboy did a roving interview with the separate members in 2001 right before they split, and you could feel it happen there. what i couldnt see was why. i saw it on the tape. i also saw kirk and lars show up at jasons project to wish him support in their self righteous ways, and i saw how fast jason left. but i wasnt prepared for the verbal back hands Q Prime Management made, or that the 3 members shouted back about involving jason again. i saw every one of them lash out at each other, but never reconcile the same emotions they have, are what forced jason out. 15 years of history. up in a flash. so then they roll up in a fancy suits, get drunk, and think that would make it up. "eh"

i dont blame him. id want out of the circus of egos as well.

well im awaiting the world baseball classic. im also probably the only person out side of the media who is. for me. its time to see some baseball on tv again. so, i warmed up some popcorn, hopped on the couch and swiped the remote. sigh. to see Taiwan and Korea. yeah. i can actually place about 4 major leaguers from korea, but i was shocked Taiwan had a team. and even more dismayed to find out that they werent even airing it on normal tv. only on Espn Deportes. who the freak carries the spanish version of espn? it replays, in a 2 hour block, at 1am on espn tonight, but i dont think i want to see baseball that bad.


but i have enough of a hankering for the game that i spent 2 hours at Temple [Sporting Goods in Moline... the holy temple of baseball equipment in the area], just trying on gloves, weighing bats, and just meandering through the goodness. i miss the smell of leathers. in gloves. in baseball hides. in batting gloves. i miss the snap sound the gloves make with a ball in it. i miss the feel of new spikes and the two blisters id always get on my heels from them. the sound of all of us standing in two lines throwing for warm ups, talking about trying to get laid, about how our favorite major leaguer's hit the day before, or the dirty jokes that always were a hit. i miss squating out on the back edge of the grass to get a read on the infield, to feel the dirt for moisture and consistency, to watch how much the infield grass would slow grounders. i also miss seeing friends play on other teams, and the nights after games or days off where everyone from the team would get together and inevitably start playing catch, or challege some kids to slugger on an empty diamond. walking around the cramped store brought back alot of the memories. reminded me to be excited for the season to start again. for the first time in years, i can spend time at the minor league games, or at the high school and Legion fields, just watching it all again.

even if it is just Korean and Taiwan, its the start of the season.

as you can see.... this looks alot cleaner and brighter. well see. ill keep it. updating was necessary since it allows me to start adding in more functionality, i can add RSS feeds and more ingrained content now, if id like. plus it was looking old and tired. and most of the links i had were out of date. so i just decided to scrap it.

well im in a clear minority. ive been watching some of the winter olympics at night. its somewhat interesting. there are 40 different skating events, 203293 different skiing events, and only 1 team curling event to watch. so what. i watched curling? does that make me a bad american? on the contrary. i actually found the game to be far more interesting than i originally thought it would have been. yes. heaving rocks on ice is still the point. and yes. you can play a similar game on a sand top table in some backwater bars without getting cold. but, the game/sport/boredom-killer seems to have some elements of strategy in it. im also impressed at the accuracy to which a "rink" [team] can glide the "rocks" [stones] down the "sheet" [ice]. the whole game seemed to have a air of darts vs. shuffleboard vs. billiards vs. housekeeping alll rolled together. ah the glory of modern tv to watch antiquated celtic games thousands of miles away. but really, arent all of the olympic games antiquated? who really finds pairs ice dancing to be relative to modern adaptation of the species... of what use is the mogul ski event... or how about the skeleton... or a crew based 4 man bobsled... hell. i think very few of the winter olympic events ever really had a purpose. in the summer games; wrestling, running, shooting, wieghtlifting, all had some applications... curling.. eh. not so much. but ill be damned if i didnt actually start to like the game/oddity/thing by the end of the hour.

current musical selection: motley crue - if i die tomorrow

im all over the place mentally. i dont think that surprises anyone. its just so much garbage happening in such a repetition over a short duration. i think im getting this haze to finally start to clear, but its not like its lifting to complete clarity. im openly frustrated. about damn near everything, now that i think about it. its just alot of lamentations about shit that isnt going to do any good. its not finding me a job. its not getting me moved out. its not getting me married. its not making me happy. its not really doing anything for my life to sit and be upset about it. but after a second week of pure rejections, its getting hard to find any kind of light to reach for. about the only answer i get is "this is an automated response". not good. everyone says it takes time. i agree. but in the long run that doesnt matter, in the short run, im vying for more than just a job. i need some money coming in. i need to get a life. i really need to start having something to be happy about. i used to be happy about things, or people, or just activities. everything started to slowly sink away in july and it feels like all of it has just bottomed out for the most part. i dont know what it is. i dont even know that its as easy as it being one thing.

i guess if i say im frustrated, it can cover alot of ground. im frustrated that i cant even think of a place where id want to work, or a job i wouldnt immediately hate. im frustrated that i cant seem to find anyone to even hire me at places i know i hate working for. im frustrated that im 25 and im living at home still. im frustrated that i cant manage to find a girl to spend valentines day time on. its frustrating to feel like i dont matter. to me, when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i dont have any real purpose. i have always defined existence by purpose. and for me, im not coming up with much purpose right now. i hope that changes.

i hope that alot of things do change soon. i hope i can start to figure out my life again. maybe i never knew it, and had just been coasting along all these years, but i guess i want it figured out now--- and in such a way i dont feel like this again. feeling worthless feels terrible. feeling like nothing matters is just going to leave me on some self destructive path at somet point. i want a job to feel like i have something to do each day. i want money to feel valuable or have valuable things. i want a woman, because i want someone else to tell me im worth something at the end of the day. i cant really get behind those things at this point. i cant find an easy fix to say, "hey, that was progress." i cant find much in the way of support for anything. on sitcoms, the guy would always lie awake at the end of the terrible day, and have a wife that kissed him and told him everything would be ok. no one tells me its going to be all right. no wonder its hard to fall asleep at night now. worse than ever.

i guess i want to come to some middle grounds. that would be a start for me. just having a job. just a place that sends me a paycheck for doing something every day. something at the end of the week could pay my bills, and buy me a beer. or a lapdance. that would be a starting point. being able to sit down with the girl of my dreams and have a two-way open dialogue and just get past the "friend role" or the "is this ok to do" thoughts... just express it how we feel, and go with that. boyfriends, mileage, dreams... just push that aside for a day. that would be a start. it would feel so good to have some sort of worth, even if they are just starting points. its just trying to find something i can do to start it, and stop feeling this way. but its a desire to get what i want ultimately. i dont want my life to be like this. i dont want the only signifficant things to ever come of me, to be posted here. i want something better than that. i want what honestly feels like it should be mine. so many things feel like happenstance and get pushed aside in our lives. alot of it is. but sometimes, things and people stick. even less often do we get the feelings we do about them. there is something more to it. i know ive got to get something out of all this shit that happens to me. being jobless has to kick back into some kind of job sometime. spilling my feelings about a girl has to amount to something with her sometime. because if it didnt, i wouldnt do this. i wouldnt do any of this. id give up. i die. id just want to stop living a life where i couldnt get anything back out of what i put in. but thtat kind of thinking still isnt kiling th pervasive thought of worthlessness right now. for right now, ive got empty pockets, ive got no where to go, ive got a head full of ideas, and heart full of feelings that i want to do something with. but it all just sits here for now with me, unused.

tonight a random girl from utah started talking to me online. it turns out she just liked my taste in music. after a while of talking, she started asking for help in writing a poem she was going to write to her boyfriend. id have to say i was flattered. ofcourse it was random. of course it was blind luck. but. it makes me feel good to write sometimes. and to be able to write about someone you love, or care about, really makes it seem all that more important and special when you finish it. it was ironic that i thought about wanting to do something like that myself. but i remembered i have no one to write to anymore. maybe its not that i ever did, but i dont now. sure. deep down im still crazy about her. maybe for a second i was naieve enough to consider doing it. but the hard line is its not for me to do. its fiction to find myself think about it any other way. and around valentines day, it really makes me feel pathetic. its a holiday about love. about giving love, and maybe receiving some. and i know i wont be getting any; and its all make-believe if i feel like i have a place to give it. its a gnawing feeling that chews on the edge of the frayed ends of my sanity of late. but i guess its all in order. im a gun for hire, but no one is buying. im a person that wants some kind of love or relationship, and found out no one really wants that with me. sometimes i guess, it makes me question alot of things. but helping some random girl was a nice feeling. maybe im not shakesphere or catullus. maybe im just someone who romanticizes ideas and wants very much, to have someone to share that with. so atleast i could come in and help someone that needed that creative push in their own life. maybe the muses can move me. but maybe it doesnt matter so much now that they can.

i thought about the whole predicament today, before the girl and her poem. that i felt like i care enough and in a way to do something. to buy a gift. to write some poems. to just doodle on things for her. just because its inspiration, its motivation, its something that makes me feel good. but. if im smart enough to take the advice from everyone, its time to turn the corner and walk away from it. while i undoubtedly would feel better, or feel closer to her because of it. would she? would she care, would she really appreciate it, and how would she react? its difficult. looking for a way to please someone as an outlet of positive frustration, but finding it could be a reception of more negative frustration for her. i want to stick to my guts. i want to think that im not wrong, that i do have a future with her. that i do connect better to her than to anyone else ive ever hoped to. that she does make me smile. something i dont do enough of. that she and i shared so many things as kids that in a way it makes it easy to talk between us just having so much in common. i want to feel like im right when i say i feel that she is everything ive looked for. but i know i have to say the truth outloud. that my prayers can sprinkle my hopes and dreams, but have to base themselves in my reality. because what else is a dream or a hope, if its not a prayer? if its not something you want to come true for you.

so i could write it down. i could post mark it and send it on its way. shed read it. and maybe keep it. but probably have to throw it away. because. if she kept it, shed have to answer up to her feelings and mine again. you cant accept someones heart on a page and put it in a drawer. you have to take it; you have to cherish it and them, or you have to crumple it up and toss it. you cant take someone's prayers and let them embody you, then never let them recieve it. you have to rip it up. you have to tell them that its not deserved. that its not what they want to hear. because they want to hear it from someone else. and thats why shed have to crush it and tear it up. even if she would have tears in her eyes, thats what shed have to do. because it leaves me hanging like this when she doesnt. it leaves me hanging on the words of prayers to and empty sky if i can never have what i want. and maybe she cant have what she wants until she does that either. maybe im all wrong. maybe shes just as conflicted as i am. confused. then i want her to crush it. i want her to crush my heart on a page, to shred with my tears, if she cant accept it as it is. even if she just doesnt know, or just isnt sure, or just doesnt feel ready, she has to do that. even if i had to use my hands to destroy my own heart for her, thats what would have to happen. maybe im too scared to do that. and thats why i wont do it. maybe im too scared to know that i would have to do what i say.

its a simple poem. thats what everyone says. its something short and sweet. it says i love you. and it ends. really thats all it needs to say. because when you look at that person, youll feel everything else they have to say, or they will feel everything you know you have to say to them. because playing the middle ground isnt being honest about the day. if you avoid giving love or receiving it, what is the day really end in?

just like i said i would. i was giving my two week notice today at work. turns out, i no longer have a job.

i walked in the door. got settled. started going through the normal routine. everyone was happy and talking to me. then the boss starts in. my last words to any employees were helping one of the water guys format a word document, and telling the secretary id be over in a second to schedule an istallation. the boss had other plans. he started right in on the same old shit.

at 8:35 he told me that i should "write 6 or 8 things that you need to do to be successful in the business on the board" puzzled for why, or what to write; i took a few minutes. then wrote some of the phrases - better than ___, knowledgeable, selective, convincing, honest, prepaired, faster than __. he made me explain everything behind them, and acted like every idea i had was a foreign subject to him. to be better than my competition since we all sell and service the same stuff; to be knowledgeable about what im dealing with that i dont have to make second trips or second guess information; to be convincing to the utmost to make customers see why they buy from us, to be honest with deals and integrity, to be prepaired to make a deal whenever i can, and be ready for anything; and to be faster at anything and everything than the competition was. the last phrase, selective. pissed him off. i explained it as... in 4 months youve had me spend 95% of my time prospecting, from that i have zero sales, and zero leads. // i write a big 0 on the board // then i said, from doing things with my approach in 5% of my time dealing with customers i have 4 sales. // i write 4 on the board, then drew a pie chart to match and connected the numbers // so, i need to be more selective. my time is worth my sales and my customers benefit. if i take 95% of my time to produce nothing, i wont be successful, so i need to be much more selective with prospecting and focus on customers.

he stood there. then boiled over. blah blah something about im not in a position to dictate things like that, that in my position i cant rule out anything. i need to be making 50 cold calls per day. i need to prospect my ass off constantly to find deals. i stop him. no, i said. i sought advice from people whove been in sales 20 years to 2 years, and everyone of them laugh at this model you want. they all agree, if i can get success with my way, stick with it. he shakes his head, folds his arms and stares at me. i again state more loudly, before i sit down, i will not loose 95% of my time to prospecting worthless accounts, for the company im a walking newspaper ad, and thats not selling anything in my territories. he sits down. "in this business, not everyone can make it. you need to realize not everyone will, and maybe this isnt for you. we want you to be successful and making cold calls and getting to cust---"

hes burning up now, because i cut him off as i reply dryly. "i hear this everytime, and you know what, frankly im sick of it. maybe its not, would you be more happy if we talked about this then?" and i pulled out my notice and dropped it on his desk. he stops. reads it quickly. never looks up at me. and says "fine. but i dont need this, youre done."

so pretty much like that, i wagered my job for the first time in my career. and i lost. i wagered that being successful said, your model sucks, its outdated, its defunct, and even the competition who is desparate, avoids it. and in all seriousness thats the truth about it. no one goes door to door. no one wastes time like that. except us. and im not getting sales from it. so the two cowpoke stand in the street. in my mind, i threw the first insult, and opened the jacket to show i was ready to draw. he paces me. says "fine" then cheap shots me in the guts. he never wanted to kill me out right. because if he took the time to draw a bead, i had him dead to rights all day long. i could go around and around about the feasability of going door to door in a 4 county area, and be right. but thats just not what he wants to hear. so he takes a low, quick shot, to put me down on the ground. what kind of man does that? the one that told me on my first week, he was going to be my role model, as a sales man and as i became a man. i laughed at him then. and walking out the door, clutching my guts, i laugh at him now.

did i ever want to own RK Dixon? hell no. did i ever want to be the best sales man in the company? fuck no. did i want to make money? yes. was prospecting at $1500, minus 500 per month in gas, and 300 in car insurance going to make me money? nope. but thats all they want. so he tried to dry me out and stick in bfe, to see if id break. instead, i bent around it; and managed to make sales my way. he couldnt take it. so thats why i forced the showdown. had he understood that, or consented that it could be a viable way to grow the market, id have never put down my cards. but he started right in on the same lines of shit again. and i dont need that. and obviously, i was no loss on his conscious.

the next 5 minutes saw me bring in my files, dump them all over his desk, drop my laptop onto that pile at chest height, and flip my key card on top of all of it. i signed 4 pages of rules, then flipped my pen on the desk muttered "keep the change" under my breath, and clarified "thats it?" .... "thats it." he said. and i walked out.

so like that i was fired. by 9:05am, i was in the driveway at home again. lost. worried. upset. but proud. in a shifty way, i won that gunfight. he will forever say to his deathbed that i lost it. but i know i won, because i walked away. somewhat damaged. but i walked away. and now he has 4 counties of horseshit to prospect with his time. in an office of 6 sales reps, he has 3 now. youll never find a horse to run that circuit by yourself. and all he had to do was listen to someone. listen to reason. sure. im the punk calling you out in the street mr big bad boss man. but im calling you out because everyone knows im in the right. business dies if it cant adapt or accept ideas. their days are numbered. and so was mine. so to romanticize it all makes me feel better about it. but really in the end, im better off for this. ill be poor. ill be jobless. ill be the "looser" for them. like everything else in my life, ill be the looser. ill be the guy that cant get dates. ill be the guy who every woman finds it ok to break my heart. ill be the guy that goes into work on pain meds to make it in because you dont want to. im the guy that stops and changes tires in the mud so some so-ho wont get wet. ill be the one that gets beat up for what he thinks is right everytime. ill be the one that deals with the shit-eating jobs because someone, somewhere thinks thats all im worth. but ill be damned if i ever roll over to someone like that, even if it costs me my job. and this time it did.

like i said. in some shifty way, i won that gun fight.


{{by the way, the scene is a screen capture from For A Few Dollars More }}

so tomorrow i give my notice. im sick of the crap. im sick of the attitudes. im sick of how they treat me. im sick of working a job thats never going to make me money until 18 months from now. im fucking tired of being in a position where its not working out, and it aggrivates me more every day i go in. so. im cutting the cord. they get me until next friday. if they want, ill leave this friday. or tomorrow afternoon. but fuck it all. im done being a bitch for this place.

ive now been upgraded to narcotics to deal with this back problem. its not necessarily that it hurts so much in constant pain, its that it hurts so strongly when its agitated. like when i sit, or when i lift. or yes, when they repack the hole. so. its scary. i might brag abit about getting moved up, but in reality when i went to pick up the medication, i was a bit apprehensive. i just wish they made something like vicodin for my life.

im getting dug into that ditch at work, where they are starting to expect me to be just like the other reps with 6 years of tenure... and im not. im in the point of my life where id very much like to earn my age in salary, at a minimum. and im not. id like to be independent again. but i cant be. and i really want whats in my dreams every night to actually happen for me once. sometimes its a struggle to make ends meet. sometimes its difficult to put over the top at your job. its not always easy to get the respect you deserve in your life. and chasing your dreams, is really just that... a chase. but why does it feel like nothing can line up right for me now. i get the analogy about throwing dice someone sent me. that when you crap out, you should throw the dice one more time, when its for no money, to see that its just luck, and to see that luck can change. its just hard to follow that when you see the same things on the dice each time.

i guess i should be lucky that im as healthy as a im right now. or that i have a place to sleep. or that i even have a job, and arent still unemployed. but. god damnit none of that cures lonliness. none of that makes it ok, when your dreams come to realize they just dont want you dreaming about them. i guess maybe thats why they give me stronger drugs. to make the pain go away.

Dear Everyone!

so in the ongoing saga of, "what the fuck else can go wrong", i present to you my newest entry. the pilonidal cyst. yes. such a fabulous name. its just to cover up the nastiness of the truth. its a localized infection and inflamation right around the tailbone. for me, its higher up; but for alot of people its right on the end of the ass crack. id noticed a bump for a while there, but never thought much of it. well two days ago it started to hurt. and yesterday, it hurt so bad i couldnt sit. if id bend forward in a chair, like how you would to tie a shoe or pick up a pen, it would hurt so bad i couldnt do it. plus the added comfort of it pinching the nerve in the back of my hips, that would make my left leg to numb if i placed too much pressure on the spot. sigh.

seriously, by the end of my 4 hours of driving on thursday, i was in so much pain i couldnt see straight if i was in a sitting position. so i went to the doctor. "strip bare, cover with the sheet and the doctor will see you shortly" sigh. story of my life. dr. boccuzzi decides in about 3 seconds what it is. reminds me that im in pain, and reminds me this is not going to feel good right away. so he tells me about it, how you get it, and the plan. the plan is to cut away the outer skin over the area to let the infection drain and the swelling to go down. then it means the 2 inch area, deflated of puss and shit, gets packed with gauze and taped out with dressing. it gets to be flushed twice a day, and changed. so before i can agree to it. hes got me stabbed with local anthestics and is going for it. then he starts fiddling with the scalpel. i stop him. "doc, i can feel that" oh. another round of locals. "i can still feel that too." oh. a third round, plus a 5 minute wait. then hes carving apart my backside. although it was numb, its quite a feeling having someone cut and saw apart your back. then the part where i almost blacked out. where they start putting pressure on it to drain it. the doctor thought it shouldnt be so bad. but apperantly the medication wasnt doing it for me. on a scale of 1 to 10. it was an 8. by the time they were satisfied with filling a pan full of dressings with shit. they decide... hmmm lets just not close the hole we cut either; instead well let you treat it this way, and repack it yourself until saturday when you can come back again. joy.

so on the way out i asked the doctor to prescribe me some pain medication, on top of the other shit. he joked about how big a glass of mmorphine id need to make it through. i reminded him that my pain threshold is fairly high, but my resistence to pain medication is higher. he looked at me. asked me what i meant. "well, i tend to take 350mg tabs of bayer, 3 or 4 at a time. if it hurts, i do that every hour until it works" his jaw dropped. now i have some prescription strength pure codine.

today i spent sleeping on my side and stomach because of the pain of moving my back in any position. id have to say, its fucking fantastic. sorry girls, but this has been the best time of my life in bed, without a doubt! im looking forward to finding out new ways to make my life miserable tomorrow at the doctors; when he decides if the infection is bad enough to go to a surgical procedure to remove more of my back tissue. fun! he also said as it stands now, i should expect "moderate discomfort" for the next 2 to 4 weeks in sitting and driving. if we go to surgery, we can double that! makes me want to buy a calendar to mark off each lovely day in paradise!!!

[signed] My Life Litteraly Fucking Cant Get Much Worse, and your Pal!

Scott

so where to begin.

the entire situation that i held in check just went ballistic last week on me. its not a secret that ive had feelings for someone, and its also not a secret id knock myself out if id try harder to be a friend or be around for her. i guess, i didnt make that all so evident to her. i dunno. the issue was guy wants girl. girl says no, im not ready for something like that. guy says, ill wait. guy does everything possible to be the best friend there is for six months. girl calls says something about how her and guy have been trying to date, and she wants to see him before she leaves for a month. things go well. girl leaves for a month. girl comes back, tells guy "i have someone else," guy is crushed. guy.... guy doesnt always handle shit falling apart so well in his life at the moment. large exchange of email and thoughts and emotions transpire between guy and girl. guy and girl decided there were alot of miscomunications. but so far, havent resolved much. there. thats it. now... lets talk about what really happened for me that day.

after getting an email from her, telling me that shed started a relationship with someone else; i felt terrible. just. fits. heartbroken. because, one, i really, really like this girl. two, i did the right thing. i took the mature road, and said ill wait for you until you are ready to talk about an "us" factor, and made sure that she stayed a priority for me to keep in touch with. besides. its not an act. i feel like she and i really have potential, and have alot in common that draws us back together. caring about her is the easiest thing ive ever done. alot of lesser males my age, would have walked. shruggs, "you dont want me" shruggs, and theyd leave. call me crazy, but i feel like there is something about this one that makes me want to stay and keep trying. since the day i met her, there were signs and things that popped up that i didnt clue into, until i realized her for being her. by then, it was july. and really too late for me. instead of saying nothing. i told her. i hauled her out of bed, a day before i moved away, held her hand and looked her in the eyes and told her everything i wanted to say. it was absolutely the right thing to do. until this past week, i was absolutely committed to the idea of being better friends every day, and staying as close to her as i could, and let her life happen and let her let me know when she was ready to say how she felt or what she wanted to do. all that flashed up in about 10 seconds. and i sat up, all night. i couldnt sleep. i tried. i couldnt think about anything more than how this was fucked up, and how it wasnt right. things just SHOULDNT happen like this now. they shouldnt.

so about 4am, i showered, got ready for work, and sat and gave her a rambling, exhausted email about my feelings. remember. this is a guy that really cared deep down about this girl. and shit just hasnt been right in my life lately. so i dumped alot of emotion into it. then started my shitsteamed day at work early. god i wish i didnt. im reminded in the car about my payment thats due that day, about insurance on it due that next week, and general bills floating on my dash board to put in the mail. i remind myself how much i hate this job one last time, before i swallow it and walk into the building, forcing a smile when i was just numb inside. the battle starts at 8:05am. where i ask my supervisor for some time to discuss 4 accounts, so that i could get out before noon to the customers with answers. im told, "in a bit". 8:15, "after Laurie" 8:41, "couple things with Kristy first kid", 9:22 "customer issues ive got to get to", 10:13 "i have a demo at 10:30 to get ready for, after that Scottyman", 11:00 "i need to sit down and talk to Don about this" 11:44 "youre next after a potty break, 12:03 "im getting there, sit in my office ill be there, 12:39 i finally get to see him. all the while i have to keep making excuses to these customers why i cant get there with answers as fast i should be. numbness is setting in. i feel sick. people notice that i take down the two pictures i had up in my cube. 2 co workers are shocked by the story i tell. none of which should have happened, because i should have been out and making myself so busy i couldnt think about it.

but the meeting, which should take 3 minutes, drags on for 25. i get berated about my cold calls... not enough, not the right places, not enough interest, not enough appointments, youll never make, you arent doing anything right... on and on. my buttons keep getting pushed. my respones are very short. im getting hot. im digging my fingers into my legs. its going back and forth. all i keep hearing is "relation based sales are what makes it in this industry" and my mind just keeps going back to where, honestly, it should. the one relationship i want to keep, that i lost. anyway, i keep hearing more about how this is wrong, how im not as good as the other reps, and how we should sit and go through every cold call i make from now on, to make sure im doing them. i lost it. i stand up, throw my files down, and walk. i told him, that im in no mood to talk about lost opportunites, instead i want to salvage something out of my day. he never asks. he just demands that we go back to it again after lunch. im so frustrated when i take my coat and keys, im nearly fighting back tears. and ill admit that this one time. ive never been so close to striking someone out of sheer rage. but. when i get to the car, all i see are bills on my dashboard to pay, and the sinking sensation that i might not have the cash to cover them. besides which. i was bitched out for nothing. and my real problem is the email i got that morning and the person i lost.

i drive. faster than i should. i get about a mile from work, and the gas gauge goes off.... 20 miles to empty. i look through my wallet at the stop light to find, all i had was plastic. i had no cash on hand. i refuse to charge gas. and all my cash is at home. i know i have none in the bank when those bills go out. and im out of gas. all i have is that check book. at that stop light, i realized. im out of gas as a person. just fuming. thats all i have. im in a job that i hate. that i cant make any money at. im broke. i have outstanding debt to pay for a degree thats not getting me anywhere. i have to live at home bcause i cant afford to move out. and i just lost the one person that i wanted. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate where im at. i hate that nothing, nothing works for me. everything is constantly against me right now. and even the one person that used to make me smile and laugh about it, doesnt even want to give me a chance that i deserved.

i take the next right, and end up at a church. i walk out of the jeep to the rear. i take my steel shovel. and i walk to the back corner of the church lot and start taking apart a tree. if i could have done it with my hands, i would have. it would have felt better. but it just frustrated me more. that i had to have a tool to do it. that i was the tool in this. that everything i want to have, keeps using me. anger issues? maybe. but i needed it. in disgust i throw down the shovel. i walk inside. why i dont know. but i guess because i realized my problem wasnt with that tree. my problem wasnt with my life. my problem was with the one who made that tree, and who keeps giving me this life. so march in. i throw open the doors. a wide eyed pastor gives me alook from an office as i go straight to the sanctuary, take off my coat. and just let it out. my anger. my frustrations. my issues with why i cant have a lick of luck. why i cant have what i worked for. why i cant have the girl of my dreams. why bother to fucking dangle that out there to drag me through it all and not let me get it. why frustrate me. why anger me. why test me to want to believe in a person that cant allow me to be happy. or to have some measure of what they want. why humble a person to the breaking point or beyond. what the hell did i do to deserve any of it. but the truth is, i dont even remember what i said. i yelled a few times. i was angry. but mostly it was just angry words and im sure it had to do with all of that. i sat in a pew. and didnt say anything for a few minutes. then took my coat and left.

i called my mother. told her i wanted to quit. she reminded me i couldnt afford to. i reminded her i cant afford not to. it stale mated. i get back in the jeep. drive to a gas station, make out a check for 20 dollars i fully know would bounce. then tried calling a few friends. no one really answered. and i knew i had to go back. it just wont end for me.

at the office i go back into the fire, and get it all over again. another 20 minutes of it before i take my things, keep my tail low. and walk out. not a word from me. just nods yes or no. at this point im just too defeated by it all to care to fight it. i go deal with customers for the remaining hours of my day by phone. i take my share of dagger eyes from the boss. i remind myself about why im unhappy by the big hole over my phone where a picture was until that morning. and every call i made the rest of the day, i looked at it.

im finally allowed to leave. never before 5:15 in the real world time zones. to drive for a bit and just be numb. i get home. try to talk to a couple friends. then just try as hard as i can to shut it out, and make myself go to sleep. ofcourse it doesnt work. and i lie awake most of that night too. thinking about everything.

thats really all i want to say about that day. because, people out there are going to say... OOOOH its not so bad. OOOOOH theres other girls. OOOOH youll be better tomorrow. OOOOOH what a woman worth anyway. i dont care. to me. this was it. this to me, was as bad as its been. i hate myself. i feel worthless. ive been dumped by email by the girl of my dreams. im told im a failure at my job. im broke. and i cant stand it anymore. thats what that day was about.

for those that worry. dont. that was last week. its over. im done with it. i got paid on monday. so dont send me money. dont ask me to prune trees for you. dont give me the crap about how i dont need a girl anyway. because thats crap. this blog, was never intended to be about crap. it was never intended to get sympathy. it was always about a sick kind of therapy for myself thats shared with everyone else.

this weekend, i spent alot of time comprising an email to her about it all. shes been replying. and i guess its not right. but it is how it is. she says she didnt know that how i felt about her. she says she would never have cut me off if i had feelings and she knew about it, because she does care how i feel. and i tell her honestely, that if i was weird for doing what i did, than i appologize; but i did it to give her room and still keep that avenue open in the only ways i could. esepcially when i respect her and do care about her. weve kind of ended up with an email exchange that runs the gammit of sorry's. and the exchanges of the "i do care about you's" . but really, the only question on my mind is this... i know i care about her. and now i know she cares about me. she knows i care about her. then why isnt there a "we" ? and i havent asked her that. i dont want to ask that of myself. becasue the answer should be, "there is no reason." i feel bad that this whole thing became such a mess because of me. that it starts, i guess, with me wanting to verify someone else starts a relationship. she said she never knew. and oddly enough, the very reason i ever took her that night and made my confession to her about my feelings, was so that she would know. so that i would never get in a position where my feelings get hurt because i never told her them. and here i am. i think, honestly, that we have a better understanding now. i think that could help in the future. i think, im just trying really hard to be happy for her. but i think im also slowly going crazy. but thats not changing how much i dislike my job. or my life. or my luck. i guess thats alot of what i wanted to say.

its about relation based sales and opportunites. its about doing what you have to keep up those relationships you think are worth it. ultimately, no one else knows that importance more than you. no one can tell me i did the wrong thing. and no one, with much conviction in their voice, will tell me i did the right thing. but i believe in doing the right thing. i believe in doing the right course of action. sometimes i also beleiving in following my heart when i think it matters. i think she does matter. i think this job doesnt. i think my life has to change. especially if it doesnt.

i really need to write in this.

i really, really do.

i just dealt with something, that i think was wrong. that. really bothered me. then i went out, and kept talking until maybe its somewhat fixed. needless to say this is complicated. it involves someone i definitely want in my life. and maybe they dont want to be in it. maybe they do. its just not easy to say anything.

all i can say is, i really, really need to write about it and vent some.. and i just cant. i hate this shitty job and the time it takes, and how tired i am after a day of it. i just want 2 things right now. i want some money. and i really want to have someone in my life for me. is that so much to ask? is it really?

well another record set. 6 people knew it was my birthday. 1 should have known.

i knew as far as work goes, friday was going to be rough. the day before i went out on a job interview with Palmer college, so most of that was still swimming around my head... according to them, i should hear back monday about the status of it. im very hopeful. anyway. i knew at somepoint, id get "talked to" about everything job related. and honestly. it was my birthday, its not like i was going to do a hell of alot. timing couldnt have been better. i slinked my way through most of it, but the dreaded hour before quitting time, i get drug into the corner office. they let me have it about everything and anything. how i dont have quality cold calls in, how i dont get the requisite number of appointments, how i havent sold anything. you get the picture. even phrases like "testing your fortitude as a man" were used. i think i glazed over after 10 minutes. and it just kept right on coming. on my birthday. when he was done with that portion, he tried to break it down like i was 7. eventually the madness ended and i could go home. and sometimes i really think, how was i excited to get this job again? friday went like that.

as for the good news... like 6 people managed to wish me a happy birthday, which was a definite improvement. i think for the last few years, id run about a steady 3, and generally speaking 1 would always be my mom. so a hearfelt thanks to those of you who did, it actually was really appreciated after what i sat through friday afternoon. people always like knowing what i got. well... i got a deck of napoleon dynamite playing cards. and a napoleon key chain that kicks back lines. mmm 2 sweaters. knight rider season 2 on dvd. haha, and a box of fresh krispy kreme chocolate donuts. appearantly, this exercise idea wont start until after i clean that out. so yeah. so far, im just hoping for good news tomorrow. i think that would be a great present.

well... now that new years has come and gone... now comes the last holiday of the winter for me. my birthday. normally, id take this space to make up some rant about the past year. or what i expect from the coming year. or something of that nature. i dont know that i really feel like doing that this time. i just dont know why. alot of things are different this year. i cant say im thrilled about any one thing in particualr thats happened. but. i know that deep down there are alot of things im somewhat happy about. like the jeep. while im not happy about mega premiums on car insurance, or 275 a month in payments, i AM happy to have it. its one of those vehicles i should have owned along time ago. it fits me. and as far as im concerned i like it alot. take my job. while i hate it. and while it doesnt pay me squat. its a definite step up. as far as real world jobs. i guess, i can say im learning alot about how business gets done on a level above hourly minions. its gritty. its difficult. and its not altogether rewarding. but. its a different situation than where i was a year ago. kinda. i mean. i guess im still schilling copiers and warranties... but the price point has changed... take my nonexistent love life. i think that, a year ago i was pretty well considering giving up. this year im only moderately considering giving it up. in all honesty, its not really any different, but its a mental outlook that changed a bit. i thought, that after what i went through wtih a certain someone, and several others, id seen enough of the writing to know the story. and maybe i have. but i went out and took a chance on someone this summer that might be something for me. i just dont know. the difference is this year i took a chance again, instead of letting it go by. this year i walked up to her late at night and told her how i felt, because i felt it. period. while i can say that nothings really ended up all happy faces and hearts; its not terrible i guess. she didnt scream at me. she cried for the right reasons. but like everything else this year, im stuck in the middle of somewhere... somewhere between where i was coming from and to somewhere i want to be. with my car its not a brand new bmw. but its mine, and its nice enough. with my job, im not making any money, im stressed out and i hate it, but i dont do bathrooms or move pallets or polish floors, i deal only with the job now. and thats moving closer to a real job. with my relationships. yes, i want this girl really badly. but im not there yet. so far she hasnt decided that she really wants much to do with me. but im not done with her yet. for the first time, she used the word "date" and me in the same sentence when we were setting up plans. thats progress. and as we see in iraq, new orleans, and other places, progress takes alot of time to unfold. even if im unhappy. even if i hate my life as it is. even if im so poor that the only way to live is move back home; its about progress. its about moving forward. its about me, wanting to get somewhere that i want to be. if thats the plush leather seat of a car, if thats a glossy finished oak executive board room, or if thats holding some redheads hand and watching her smile; then thats where i want to progress to. its not about sitting here. its not about hating my life. its about getting to the point where i dont hate it anymore. and thats what i guess, i want to remember about this year.

deep down, i have to say something about my birthday. i have to say that every year it does seem more and more like a farce than the year before. each year, it gets harder to sit around a dinner table with my parents, and open a box with socks, one with a shirt, and one with some kind of candy. it gets harder to look at a frosted cake and feel like its all a meaningful step in my life. ... .... ... when i was a kid, i ran around all excited about cake and being an idiot. when i got a bit older, it became about the toys i could ask for and get. when i got older still, it became a reason to get new clothes or to go out to eat. the last couple it became a chance to see some friends. and this year, im just looking for some purpose for it. if this is going to be a year i remember for progress, then a birthday cant be about cake, or toys, or clothes. it cant have much to do about friends. its got to have something to do with me, and what im going to end up with. turning 25 is one of my last steps in the life plan i had for myself, where i can still have flexibility about my life. after this, im going to be more rigidly constrained. im at the point where a solid percentage are married. in the next year or so, its going to be a majority. and where will i be? this year, most of my friends are getting into jobs for careers sakes. in the next couple its going to be a career payscale and responsibility. and where will i be? right now my friends are starting to group and cluster off. their own lives are rapidly becoming more important than their friends IN their lives. in the next couple of years, friends like me will get factored out almost entirely. and where will i be? its alot to think about. alot more than looking at pink candles aglow on a chocolate cake. because each year i blow out more candles, i blow out more chances for my own life. some day, that cake will have 90 on it. and then what? ill stop and say how the years flew by or something slight, but in reality, it happened one year at a time. it happened each time i stopped to look at that cake.

so then what is it that i want this year? i know, but i dont know. i know that i dont want to be left behind. i know that i dont want every year to end up like this one. i dont know how im supposed to go about changing things, and i dont know where im going to be next year. but i know what i want eventually. i think. and i suppose that a place to start. and i know where i am at now. i know that i dont want to be the guy, sitting in his car, eating taco bell looking at everyone elses life and wishing it was his own. i know that when i sit there on my lunch hour, and see the good looking girls jogging past, or pushing strollers of kids, i know that someday i hope thats my good looking girl out jogging, or pushing a stroller full of kids, while im out at lunch. i hope that someday, its not like it is today for me.

well... another christmas is over and done. i think this is the first year i can remember that i didnt get a bunch of junk. which im glad. i also didnt get a lot of good stuff either. this year was pretty much the year of my sister and her house. everyone else kinda paled in comparison to it. my parents got her new appliances for the house, plus normal stuff. really hard when you are up against that. i got a hawkeye tie, two dress shirts, hawkeye monopoly and a couple dvds' but really that was about it. i told my parents there wasnt much i really wanted anymore. which is a lie of sorts. there is plenty that i want. just. its stuff they cant really go out and buy for me. i really want a new job. that pays money. i want a girlfriend. id like a best friend. id go for a place to live. maybe it would be nice to get those loans absolved. stuff like that. so while the ps2 games and clothes, and things with batteries flew about. i was pretty much forgotten about 20 minutes after it began. which. in retrospect might be a good thing. sometimes its easier to be forgotten, than to be remembered and have to languish about. its a simpler fate to quickly dissolve than to be the one lump left in the glass. so. .... well i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. i keep thinking how jealous i am of other people. school friends that dont have to do shit for weeks, friends out in california, someone flies out for london tomorrow, and just others with real careers. and im still sitting here, rotting in my parents basement, hoping that tomorrow never comes. i really am not doing well with this job. maybe its a reflection of me, and maybe is just reflecting on me. but. this is not what i want to do with my life. on friday i found out i lost a bid for a copier with a current [now former] customer. it was about the only deal i had going for me. she didnt even bother to give me a reason. and i had to call her 4 times to get the answer that i didnt want. now dont get me wrong, the deal would have only been worth about 120 dollars to me... [3 dollars per month over 42 months], but. it still makes me mad. in 60 days now, ive not managed to come up with a single sale that ive prospected for. ive crashed about 400 business and churches for nothing. this was one that came to me from my boss. and his words were "well, its unfortunate that she decided against us." then we went back to adding up his sales for the year. i got to sit at my empty cube, and stamp my empty commission form to send to payroll. sigh. no body wants to buy copiers now. and they dont want someone going around door to door. i wouldnt. but thats appearantly how this place thinks we need to do business. it just doesnt make much cents for me. they pay me something pathetic like 1,300 per month, then hit that up the ass with taxes, insurance and the like, and i take home about 1,000 or so. they wont pay for mileage for me. last month i put on almost 2,600 miles. i lost count how many tanks of gas at 40 dollars a pop. figure i fill up 3 times a week, and that adds up to 120 dollar a week. thats almost 500 per month. half my net pay goes into gasoline. just short of 300 is my car payment. about 80 for credit card and cell phone. and you can see why i say it doesnt make cents for me. tomorrow, i end up in clinton all day, in the area where this deal fell through. trying to talk to former customers about god-knows-what. i just dont see it. i guess the worst part is, its the only job ive found out there. aside from a mcdonalds type place. i dunno. i always thought that at 25, with a college degree, id make more than i did when i was 17, and still in high school. but im not. some things never change. like never looking forward to getting back to the world after a holiday. like never getting anything back out of life. like ... like putting your time and effort into trying to make something work, and watching it just fly away. without a word. it bugs me. that in more than just a shitty job failing to sell shitty copiers, im failing alot more than than. im really struggling with getting on into a real life. the transition from family owned life, into the fledgling my-own-life in school, has given away to the groudning of i-hate-my-life life. which really is just like the family-owned life, but it strips away your dignity, income, and adds 10 years to your life. merry christmas for opening that bag of presents. the one marked "life" should have been left in the car. at this point. im looking for a way out. a ripcord to pull. a place to jump off. and hopefully a place to jump into . i cant see myself doing this much longer. the entire thing.... the living at home, the i cant hardly pay my bills on my fulltime salary, and the being lonely and single separation blues feeling. i guess what i should have written on my list for christmas this year, was a bit of compasison... a splash of sex, and doseage of utility for myself. its not that im completely inadept. i hope. its just this life is not letting me do anything that im comfortable doing, or good at doing. appearantly, im not good a selling 60,000 dollar copiers... appearantly, im not good at convincing even one girl that id like her to take me seriously. appearantly, i still dont have motivation, eagerness, attentiveness, and all those other things my parents said i was lacking. ofcourse, none of them were under the tree for me this year either. alot of things werent.

well... all i can say is... wtf damon? for those of you that dont care, johnny damon signed with the yankees late last night. when i found out today i was pissed. i cant believe it. how can boston let him go, but... moreover how can they let him go to the yankees of all places. geezus. another 84 years before a second title is what im calling.

im not sure what to say about the last couple days. work pisses me off. im under quota. im not getting appointments. im not selling anything. im not even genereating interested parties. im not happy. and its just not going to get much better in the immediate future. sigh.

some good news. well im not even really sure what to say. obviously i want to say something, but. i just dont know how. sarah and i actually broke down and found a time to get together yesterday. which, i really enjoyed. it just seems so rediculously hard to sit down with her. i think it was something like 3 full months since id seen her. i HATE that. regardless of what she thinks. i hate it. it just drives me crazy that i cant see one of the few people i want to see. i dont even really care why... but we both have garbage for schedules. i dunno. i think. mmm just thinking outloud... that she probably thinks im crazy. that im way out there that i try too hard. or just something about me isnt quite right. thats fair. it really is. im sure there isnt something quite right with me. but. .. you know. if im going to turn 25 in a few days; i know that my family life expectancy is running out. men on my fathers side tend not to make it much beyond 70. quite a few even earlier. realistically, ive got 1/3 of my life down. and after the types of relationships and situations ive been through, i dont want to end up where ive been. i want to end up with someone; but. im through trying to get into a relationship to have one. in certain words, which, i guess i didnt state exactly, i want to try relationships that matter, with people that matter to me. and i cant stop thinking that ive got to do this. ive got to be nuts and crazy and schizo if thats what it takes. because for whatever reason, i think there is something to be there. thats nothing she wants to talk about. not an idea, that she even appears to entertain. she wants to have fun. she wants to be young. she doesnt want someone like me. maybe thats a bit harsh. i guess from what we've talked about its probably not all together wrong though. but the truth is; i dont care. i guess i am crazy. im crazy about what i think about. shes very different from all the other girls ive been around. but i just get this vibe and this itch at the back of my head that says, that ive just got to go for it this time. i just have to. so . i dunno. maybe if im a bit overboard. maybe she understands where its coming from. shes gorgeous. shes funny. shes easy to talk with. shes understanding. and there is alot of common experiences between us that just work for our benefit. i dont know where im going with this. we had lunch. i had fun. i even got her something for christmas. which... yes. maybe was a little much. but... sometimes it takes a little much, a little crazy, to get noticed. sometimes you have to get totally off your rocker for someone to take you serious.

well i have to say... i really hate this job. not only was i forced to spend the day in greater Clinton, Iowa... which id never been in before... but i was also left on my own to do a proposal for a half way important customer... ive never done it on my own. and no one seemed to care. including the customer. who decided to come up with the "ill let you know, dont bother calling" i was pissed. driving around, trying not to get lost. it was fucking cold out. i decided to park, and just walk, rather than drive every couple blocks and get out.... so im out walking about 8 blocks from my car, when one nameless cpa [since his name is his business name, hint] decided to shove my business card back at me at the incredibly perfect angle to make it a saw blade. nor did he seem to care that it was a gushing paper cut. he was mad that i was bleeding in his "store" so freezing to death, walking down the street, thumb dripping blood, trying to find places to go to; i kinda realized how much i hate my life. my feet were never dry. these stupid dress shoes just leak like sandals. i felt like a 4 year old, that gets windburn from being outside, and its not even to the real portion of an iowa winter. and im standing on a street corner, hand bleeding, wet feet, cold, and generally hating what im doing. its just one of those things i used to read about where some epiphany besets the character.... or some major plot twist comes about... but im just standing on a street corner, of small, technologically defunct iowa town, with wet feet and a bloody thumb. sometimes i wonder what it would look like on paper. what kind of a hero has a story like this? who can say they are proud to be the person in my position? i stopped to sit on the bench outside of a bank somewhere on North 2nd street, and just wished i could be 3 years old again. the age where nothing ever sucks. nothing bad happens. everyday seems like your birthday. lately, ive been having about the same nightmare every day, and its this job. i thought to myself whats got to change... because i hate this job, and this way of doing it. i guess i could have sat thinking about it all day... but my mind kept wandering. to the frozen blood on my thumb, and my slowly numbing toes, to the life i want to have. and how none of this gets me anywhere. i made the mistake the other day at lunch of mentioning how i felt about myself... in my normal, tactful way, i said "and ive really become a great success. i live in my parents basement, i have this shitty job, really no friends, and i can honstely say i hate my life" im not looking for sympathy. im just looking for a way out. occasionally people would stop and look at me on the bench. it was snowing, and i was wearing a black coat in the middle of a slate grey scene. i watched the water from the mississippi river, just over the bluff, look as grey and as bottomless as id ever seen it. with all the ice chunks floating in it; it reminded me that its not choked entirely yet. not yet. there is still some movement... some parts that resist... but slowly, its all becoming the wasteland of the middle of winter. the frozen slate that ends everything for a season. i just wondered how long winter is going to last for me this year.. bloody thumbs, and cold feet are supposed to add up to something. for something. right? because thats how it would end in a book.... the waters would thaw. the sun could come out. and the hero would get to walk out into the quickening spring. the realism underlying it all, is that winter hasnt even truely set in for me yet. the winter that will be my discontent.

for all my baseball nerd bretheren out there... a little game of catch up...

just a few short weeks into the heavy traffic of the off season, the red sox are getting an F from me in the deals department...

the key players to deal with....

j. damon - still not signed or cut loose. still no trades or deals done to secure a "what the hell happens if" plan if he cant get re-signed... no lead off, no centerfield...

k. millar - atleast he understands hes not wanted back. this was good.

b. mueller - awful. sounds like boston never even gave him an offer... and he just signed with the dodgers this week...

j. olerud - appearantly retired. no fan fare. no official statements the man WITHOUT a thousands words is living up to it again. but no aquisitions have been made to replace him.

m. ramierez - he still wants out. still no deals pending.

we also have made 2 deals so far... picking up josh beckett and mikey lowell... and picking up some minor leaguer for letting go of renteria...

all in all... this is bad news. we have more players jumping ship than we have deals coming in. we lost the best farm system product we had, we let go of a gold glove shortstop to make our questionable infield downright disasterous... instead of just finding a first baseman and resigning a third; we now have downgraded at third, failed to sign a secondbaseman, and have huge holes with no promise at short and first. we dealt our back up catcher away, leaving us only 'Tek... we have only 3 outfielders... of which one wants out, and the other isnt signing up right away... and weve added a 4th spot rotation man, but have done nothing with our bullpen. this is not good. NOT GOOD. judging by the cash Toronto put up, we look like were content to slug it out with Baltimore for the second worst team in the division this year. even the yankees, who havent done much either, still look alot better on paper. this is not good.

well the thanky yous are rolling in from the xmas cards... 3 or 4 so far. its always nice to hear back that people enjoy getting something. makes me realize i do the right thing some days. its also interesting to see who hops on it to tell you thankyou. also a good feeling, even if unexpected sometimes.

had matt staab come visit in town today. always good to have friends come by. helped get me out of my rut and away from the house. now granted davenport doesnt have loads of things to show off, but i think we covered the interesting parts. plus it was nice to have someone to eat a meal with, and a favorable ear to talk to.

looks like i need to focus on christmas presents now. ive got a difficult decision to make about what to buy someone. ill figure something out. just like i need to figure a few other things out. in all, my personal best is 2 days. entire family in 2 days. im thinking i should be able to beat that if im in the mood this year. and that includes wrapping!

and god bless a cold guiness on tap!

so.

few things of note. just things i wish to gripe about. although today maybe the day i sold something, i was reminded that unless i can set 10 appointments per week [minimum], and not fluff appointments, i wouldnt be selling copiers for RK Dixon in 6 months.

nothing like a smack in the face to start the day. i guess im bitching about where the fuck im supposed to come up with 40 interested parties in the next few weeks. they sure as hell arent in iowa city. or anywhere else ive been to. these appointments only count once. once! then im supposed to have 5 more a week where im doing a proposal, actually writting a bid and discussing it. then i should be closing 2 deals per week. thats at the point where people are saying yes, or no, and walking away with a copier. per week. its insane. i dont even see the good reps managing that on a consistent basis. besides. i cant even come up with 10 pepople to set appointments with. maybe i wont be doing this in 6 months after all.

christmas cards went out today. i think i did 30. or just short of it. i tried to cover most people id somewhat stay in contact with. those that didnt seem to want to give me an address, dont get one. and i think thats pretty fair. if im going to take the time to sit and write out 30 cards, spend about 3 bucks per card including postage.... plus my time. you can cough up 10 seconds for an address. so no gripes from people that dont get them. but the whole process made me feel old. christ. im sending out christmas cards, it should make me feel old. im getting cards with pictures of kids and weddings and things like that. i really should feel old. im not 18 anymore, and thats for sure. its about time i moved on from that.

had a weird dream last night. i woke up going, what the hell was that about. i wake up in bed. its in a strange room... or atleast something i dont recognize now. anyways, i can see a light on in a hall way through the open bedroom door. so i get up. i walk down the hall. and in a bathroom i find a certain someone. shes naked accept from some tiny white panties... no bra no shirt, nothing else on. and shes sweating. her hair is a mess... and shes half standing, half hugging the toilet. i walk in and hear myself talk, asking whats going on. and she looks at me. up with those bright eyes, and they are all red. tears streaming down her face. some leftover makeup is running with it. she just has that look of "help me" and i get down on the floor with her, and cover her with a bath towel from the bar over her head. and i just hold her. she clings to me. shes sobbing. and so am i. shes crying and appologizing and saying all kinds of inaudiable things. i listen to my voice say to her her that i love her. that she and i will make it. i see myself reach down and wipe her tears away, and smooth the hair back from her face. she just clings to me tighter as i look at her. and the two of us just sit there crying in the bathroom. somehow. and i dont know why shes in there. i dont ever look and see if shes thrown up in the toilet or not. but somehow it feels like a drug use thing. like shes abusing. and its like i know about it. but in a way, it makes me stay, even though in my head im thinking i should leave. i stay for her. even though its quite a scene. its bizare. its not something i understand. i just have no idea where it came from. or what a dream like that i supposed to mean.