ive now been upgraded to narcotics to deal with this back problem. its not necessarily that it hurts so much in constant pain, its that it hurts so strongly when its agitated. like when i sit, or when i lift. or yes, when they repack the hole. so. its scary. i might brag abit about getting moved up, but in reality when i went to pick up the medication, i was a bit apprehensive. i just wish they made something like vicodin for my life.

im getting dug into that ditch at work, where they are starting to expect me to be just like the other reps with 6 years of tenure... and im not. im in the point of my life where id very much like to earn my age in salary, at a minimum. and im not. id like to be independent again. but i cant be. and i really want whats in my dreams every night to actually happen for me once. sometimes its a struggle to make ends meet. sometimes its difficult to put over the top at your job. its not always easy to get the respect you deserve in your life. and chasing your dreams, is really just that... a chase. but why does it feel like nothing can line up right for me now. i get the analogy about throwing dice someone sent me. that when you crap out, you should throw the dice one more time, when its for no money, to see that its just luck, and to see that luck can change. its just hard to follow that when you see the same things on the dice each time.

i guess i should be lucky that im as healthy as a im right now. or that i have a place to sleep. or that i even have a job, and arent still unemployed. but. god damnit none of that cures lonliness. none of that makes it ok, when your dreams come to realize they just dont want you dreaming about them. i guess maybe thats why they give me stronger drugs. to make the pain go away.