BLOGGIN 'ROUND THE WORLD
Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
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WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
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Monday, June 02, 2003
Sunday, June 01, 2003
nacurh stuff is still comming.... give me a chance people... its was about 20 pages handwritten.. i am trying to edit it down to the highlights... or atleast what i think was more interesting than my usual ramblings. either way, its about half-done. id expect it to post sometime mid-next week or so, if anyone is watching for it explicitly.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
Monday, May 26, 2003
well... im back... NC State blows my nut. take that back.. NC State blows the rotting nuts of squirrels infected with human herpes. nope. NC State is like get hit by a car, then taken to the hospital so a german schieser nurse can shit in the open wound. put those together, and its getting close. nasty school. bad people. terrible conference. ill write more.. i kept a paper log to share with all of you... since NC State had 6 computers. litterally. i went in and out of their library, res halls, and academic buildings.. i found 6 computers total. yeah. so the post will be a massive one spanning the highlights of the paper trail in North Carolina. look for it when i get it typed. other than that.. they say Yall... and Holla'h. and drink shitty super sweetened ice tea. its a terrible place. never go there. i survived. i dunno how.
Monday, May 19, 2003
so well its Monday now, and i havent really done a thing. havent had much time. all the stuff had to be moved out on friday... parents insisted as much, by 11am... left me about 12 hours to sleep and pack [didnt really do either] since my last final exam, then not to mention the 5 hours of files i had to read. since then, everything in my life has sat in a box. everything but what i took with me. and thats not alot. cellphone finally died. sorry if i missed calls. cant find my charger anywhere... ended up driving for an hour, because all i had was my car charger to use. its been interesting, living out of boxes. its not going to change anytime soon. i realized all ive got for now, is what i carried with me. sometimes its disturbing; to think of the things i bothered to take with me. pocket change, pencils, and keys. nothing much out of the ordinary. i did take the time to dig out pictures. not all of them, but certain ones. my desk doesnt look right without a certain one on it. yeah, i know im not supposed to bring it up; but she makes me feel comfortable. having her on my desk makes me more comfortable. makes me think that things maybe didnt happen like they did. that theres a reason for the past few weeks. that i can forget it all, and go back to being happy with her. so having that pictures makes it a bit easier. especially when everything else you own is in a box.
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
alot more later.... i need to pass out. then unpack, to pack. bus leaves for North Carolina in under a day... lots on my mind, lots more to do til then..
....
actually i lied. no more later. the weekend flew by, and by the time the internet reads this, ill be on my way to North Carolina for a week... god its going to be painful. supposed to rain the whole time there. still have no idea why im even going to this.. ill explain it all later. ps. kill one job possibility; the truck stop said i was OVER qualified, too much so, to take me on as customer service at their parts desk... what i kick in the dick.... if i can.. ill post from NC State. later y'all.. they say ya'll there , dont they? fuck it
Friday, May 16, 2003
LAST ONE
well this is the last post from my dorm room.. parents are insisting i leave hear at 9:30 am... the day after ive done 4 finals, stayed up till 5am reading garbage; and ofcourse, before i have a chance to write much... i will when i get home... just dont have the time to say what i need to. but for now its goodbye. i will honestly miss everyone around here; remember that i spent 3 years in this building, 2 in the same year, so its been a long haul. lot of faces went, but some of them stayed. so it was a trip. to everyone else that might read this; ill be in dport most of the summer. i take possession of the apartment in august here, so ill be back in iowa city then.. but ill explain it more later. wish there were other words i cut scratch out that would make it all make sense... right now nothing makes sense though. especially not moving out this early in the morning. email me people... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu because im gone.
ain't it fun~
s.
well this is the last post from my dorm room.. parents are insisting i leave hear at 9:30 am... the day after ive done 4 finals, stayed up till 5am reading garbage; and ofcourse, before i have a chance to write much... i will when i get home... just dont have the time to say what i need to. but for now its goodbye. i will honestly miss everyone around here; remember that i spent 3 years in this building, 2 in the same year, so its been a long haul. lot of faces went, but some of them stayed. so it was a trip. to everyone else that might read this; ill be in dport most of the summer. i take possession of the apartment in august here, so ill be back in iowa city then.. but ill explain it more later. wish there were other words i cut scratch out that would make it all make sense... right now nothing makes sense though. especially not moving out this early in the morning. email me people... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu because im gone.
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
//// REVISITED ////
does this look familiar?:::::
EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]
Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-
A Simple Dedication
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
...
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
---------------------------------
stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.
but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.
like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.
im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.
so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.
reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.
but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.
i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.
i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.
ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.
im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.
so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.
does this look familiar?:::::
EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]
Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-
A Simple Dedication
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
...
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
---------------------------------
stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.
but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.
like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.
im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.
so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.
reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.
but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.
i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.
i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.
ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.
im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.
so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.
after a couple days of counting... im going to go ahead and call this one...
29 votes for de-pressed.
02 votes for im-pressed.
so i should be de-pressed that: a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2am on a public street.
thanks for the votes. it was interesting to see who all reads this still. if you didnt vote, but want to say what you think; lemme know... i think i feel one more post coming before i leave school... ive got one more good one left in me... maybe one other dedication..
29 votes for de-pressed.
02 votes for im-pressed.
so i should be de-pressed that: a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2am on a public street.
thanks for the votes. it was interesting to see who all reads this still. if you didnt vote, but want to say what you think; lemme know... i think i feel one more post coming before i leave school... ive got one more good one left in me... maybe one other dedication..
Sunday, May 11, 2003
[ PART 2 OF 2 ]
right now there is so much more than girls peeing going on in my head. this was probably my last night of freedom, before i go home. and even then, thats
only for a day or so before im back here to go to North Carolina for a week. but ive had alot on my mind lately. a lot happened this week. alot happened to me this week. i dont know where to start, read some of the older posts to see the highlights. but i wanted to spend tonight with someone special. someone i guess im not supposed to see; and who is trying to distance themselves from me. lot of reasons why. im not making any judgements about it. first off is i have to appologize then for the past day or so, where ive intrueded on that space. i feel bad for them. i care about them. its really hard to stop. then when i hear about how their week ended; it broke my heart all over again. twice in one week. mine and theirs. it was a judgement call; but i decided to bridge the waters, disregard the separation, and attempted to talk to them. no much response. no judgement to be made. i wasnt expecting much. i wanted them to know that i care about them deeply, and things that effect them still affect me. probably shouldnt work that way. but it does. i know better than to go against what they want; and in all honesty i may have ruined any chances at a future [if there even was one] by doing this. but, in my mind thats one conclusion. in my heart, theres another. and that part of me said i couldnt spend my life thinking about it. i had to do it. i had to do what came natural to me. in light of everything that happened to them; i went with it. i went to help console another human being, to be someone that they can trust without doubt; that allready knows everything about them and thier life, that could only be helpful. so i thought in my heart. it broke rank with my head; but it was my heart that was broken. i hope they understand that. if it were all reversed; deep down inside, i really would want a person to do the same thing for me. i really would want someone that cared deeply about me, that i had a past with, that i can trust with intimacies and my life. thats why. no judgement please. just understand me for what i did.
anyway. break ups are hard to deal with. i knew the local blues guru, Joe Price was supposed to be in town this week. i needed it. i needed that kind of music; the kind that plays the song of your heart; even when its sad. when your heart is broken, the strings sound like they could break. when it flutters, so does the pick hand. when inside, your soul just wants to wail and weep; that voice does it. back to the special-sharing part. to get over heartbreak, i guess you shouldnt spend time with the person that caused it. thats... thats a no brainer. but knowing what they went through. it wasnt about us not getting along; it was about everything in general. i needed something to be sad and to be happy with when it was over. i thought they needed a break, and stepping on that limb [as i comment about in the above paragraph], i bridged that gap of imposed distance to them. this worlds fucked up as it is; why couldnt two people be sad about life together for one night; even if they made each others lives sad? doesnt matter. only invited them. it was a no pressure thing. in fact i didnt even want to hear their straight up answer. i know, its childish of me. it only made me wonder even more, later that night, why they didnt come. only a few reasons to come, thousands not to. and they were busy. but anyway, no judgement. even if they said hell no, becuase it would be weird, they are within their rights. so i went to this place. i got a table for two. and i sat. honestly i didnt expect them to show. after 9 came, 9:30, 10 i knew it. but my heart jumped a little bit everytime the door opened. and it sunk a little more everytime it wasnt them. again.. no judgements to make. just my ownt thoughts. so i sat there. i went to enjoy the music. and to get drunk. something had to make it stop hurting inside. booze wasnt a good choice. its stupid of me to think it would be a fix all. its not. i remember telling someone once that its never good for solving problems, it only postpones them, and adds to them. but i did it. 45 dollar bar tab, by myself. whiskeys. beer. even took a random suggestion from a guy at the bar. i couldnt taste whatever it was he ordered for me. it burnt. all of it did. but the hurting was still there. so they set me up in a booth to watch the band. ate some food. and sat. left out my notes and book, and attempted to do some homework before the band materialized... about an hour late. but thats early for blues.
the music started. just joe. i noticed he had a gibson les paul now. wine red. beautiful. i envied him. thats the guitar i always wanted when i used to play. he started playing about 10 minutes to 10, to a full house, that only got fuller as the night went on. by my estimate, they had at least 60 people crammed into that back area at the start. by the end, i couldnt see the band. but i sat. it started to make a difference. i listend to the words of songs ive heard, that ive never paid much attention to. the thing that hit me most, was how someone playing this music didnt feel the way i did.... i felt crumpled and empty; and the songs played to that.
" just one thing, i dont understand; why i said goodbye; i had a good friend, she called me honey; now i am feelin sad; dreaming of what i once had, and i dont know why, why i said goodbye. i used to go home and sleep in my bed; all o my troubles would leave my head. tears and regrets- forever more; dryin my eyes and walkin the floor. and i dont, know why.... why i said goodbye"
maybe after 10 songs, a solid hour or so of playing, he brings his friends up. thats when it started really. all the music ive never heard. joe called them The Mill Boogie, parts 1, 2, 3, etc. beautiful stuff, just all off the cuff. later it was improvised by 7 different musicians at once. all they needed was someone to throw the pick at them, or give them the nod when to take a few bars. everyone else played accompaniment; even joe. the leader of this group... they called it, The Joe Price Blues Army, at the end of the night. but the music just kept flowing. kinda like joe and rolling rock. the waitstaff was tired of fetching him drinks. he nodded and winked at me once when i sent one over for him. couldnt do much else. after 10 minutes, i knew i should have brought something to record all this. this stuff was too good to forget about, or to be wasted on my head, that was swimming in a pool of liquor. everything felt fresh then--- not welcomed, just fresh. getting hurt all over again; reliving it through the music; remembering events from earlier that day; earlier that week; earlier than that. it all was like it just happened all over again. that my heart was thrown out on that dance floor. only 1 person was out there then, stomping and shuffling away, watching it go to pieces. so the music kept playing. i kept listening. april, my waitress, started sending me water. it was only 10:30 i guess. but she saw me come in the door, id been drinking since 7:30.
" in the middle of the night; oh what a mess; pull your blanket up tight; and put your arms around me. you were standin in your kitchen, tears rolling down your face, i began to comfort you; no one can take your place"
i just kept sitting there. id scratch away on my legal pad from time to time... this is where most of the lyrics are being transcribed from... accuracy isnt too important, Joe would agree. its about the feeling. i noticed that even he changes the words in his songs. i just wrote them down as i heard them. i tried to sing along when he hit my favorites. my voice cracked. i couldnt. i could tell how horribly out of tune i was. i never could sing worth a shit. the guy at the next table just smiled at me, clapped me on the shoulder, and started singing worse than i was. it felt a little better. but it wasnt the singing that broke my voice. it was everything. started thinking about it all. how useless i felt. how much i wanted to keep things the way they were for months; only recently did they change. how i thought back in mylife, when everything was fucked up. when nothing seemed right. when i had a couple people i could depend on to get me through it. i knew i was right for what ive done. i knew, that even if they didnt like it; they did. i needed another beer. i was trying to make sense out of everything that didnt make sense; i was trying to give answers for the one person that wouldnt give me any. i hated it. i hated myself. i hated that i could matter to someone anymore. i hated how everything was true and genuine in my mind, in my words and in my heart. i never use that phrase. just lately. i never believed much in the heart. never cared much for it. fortitude of the soul; that was my game. strong gut reaction. having strength and respect and something non-material to fall back on when you needed it. some form of non-planer resolve. heart, how fickle? Axl says it best, 'we both know hearts can change,' ironically he was speaking about hearts mending and comming back together, not going apart. thats what i wanted. i wanted them to come back. i wanted them to breakdown; to realize that i cared about them... i didnt have to. i didnt have any motives; no reasons to get with them; never harmed them; never was mean or cruel to them on purpose; appologized if it appeared so. i wanted them to stop and notice how much i care. and then everything to be allright. to have someone that i cared for, back in mylife, knowing that i cared for them. not just when it was easy; but when it was hard to. when my life was changing around me; i favored theirs. i wanted them to be back so i could feel vindicated and wanted again. but no one wants that from me.
the music played on, and i thought on. nobody wants me. if they did, they would never leave. never were anyreasons for them to go. only reasons to stay. to have someone unconditionally care for you; to hug you when its hard, to kiss you when its easy, and to stay with you when you are alone; god arent those the best reasons? arent those the only reasons to want someone? dont we all want a person like that? and here i was doing that. i was taking my share of shit sometimes [no judgement please] for things that werent my fault; and i took it everytime. never yelled back, never hit them, never told them to fuck off, never used them for sex, never for posterity, never for money, never for anything that they know has hurt them in the past. i wanted them because i felt, and maybe i do still feel so damn attracted to them. things that hurt them, hurt me. watching them go through these things hurts me, stays on my mind. i cant say thats all. ofcourse i was attracted to the most beautiful girl id ever met. i was attracted to that smile, her laugh, her touch. never went after it. she came to me. i guess i came to her. it felt so right. it still does. someone like that i cant stay mad at; i cant hate -- despite what im told from people; i still care about her. i hope she cares about me. i hope nothing she said was a lie. i hope she believed in the words she told me, like i believed in what i told her. thats why i drank. i drank with myself, i drank with my books, i drank with the bartender, with a stranger, and with the owner. Keith, its a great place you had for 40 years, im sad to see her go in 6 weeks. but whatever the hell that bourbon was you gave me was good.
i tried to tell him about it, and about her. he sat and listened. in retrospect, thats funny. in 40 years i wonder how many times hes had to hear stuff like that before. i wonder how many times he gets some special bottle out to pour a drink for some person, free of charge, and how much money hes lost on it all those years. 40. but he didnt laugh at me. he nodded, didnt say much. told me to have a drink. and so i did. he also talked me into food later. the chili and fries are great. had to soak up that booze with something.. and i was getting hungry. i had to fill that space in me with something.
so i still sat there, on a worn, hardwood bench, in a booth, meant for more than 1, all by myself. i listened to music, i had drank, and i wrote feverishly. i listend to the sad music of life; and i did it alone. the crowd got larger as they played. nearly doubled by midnight. i couldnt see the bar in the back, it was standing room only. dirty looks from people, taking up a whole booth to myself. but no judgement to be made. the music started to change, bit by bit. happier, bouncier songs. new musicians took the stage with him. first it was vicki on guitar and vocals, then rico on bass. later dusty on a dobro, plus this 60 year old george clinton look-alike with maraccas and sticks to be makeshif percussion. then a guy they introduced as mikey, i think, on accordian. then the brough up a chair infront of the stage, keith came out. plays harmonica i guess. had a steel case full. all in different keys. the stage was out of room; some sat on the wall, some on the ground; or on amps... no more room to plug in amps either. out of spots on the mixer board, so they just cranked the amp they plugged into a wall. and they played on.
the music kept getting livlier. kept growing. getting louder. soon there wasnt one person dancing, there were 20. on a dance floor not much bigger than a dormroom. then more. people kept hopping in to it. joe even stood up and started jigging as he played. they broke into some stuff from Designated Driver. i cheered up at the title track. slamming my hand in the table and stomping my feet along with them.. then i started in singing again. i didnt care. all night i had felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. just one more thing would have made them fall.
"im your designated driver; im gunna drive you everywhere. im that designated driver, gunna drive you anywhere. drink up your liquor, let down your hair. no the judge dont like refer, cops dont like gin; no that judge dont like refer, and the cops dont like gin; im your designated driver, let me help you in. well its my time baby; and i want some too. yeah its my time baby, i want mine too. im the designated driver, cant drink no booze."
i wanted those tears to fall. just like how i wanted hers to fall when we talked last week. i could see them in the corners of her eyes. i could see her face sag at points. but even when i told her to stop acting like this and let it go; she wouldnt. i wanted her to cry like i was crying. i wanted to see that she felt like just like i did. that it matters to me. that it hurts. that i didnt want this. that i wanted her. that she wanted me. but the tears wouldnt come for her. she stopped them. but no judgement to make. lots of reasons for that i suppose. not for mine. only 1 reason. only the one reason why i cried to her then. because i care about her; and i fell in love with her. but tonight those tears stayed in my eyes. it was hard. i thought it would have happened at a couple points. but it didnt. i wanted it too. but the band kept playing.
soon those songs, of sad lines, but happy melodies, kept getting brighter. that Gibson helps. all the tones are so bright off it. but not as much as those hitting the chords. i was bobbing along and forgetting what i as doing soon. about the time i had trouble seeing the band. the dance floor infront of me was so packed, you couldnt see them anymore, unless they stood. only rico the bass player stood. joe did from time to time. it was hard to pick out that person from the crowd; it was hard to see their head above everyone elses. the room was dark, and smokey. lights were around, and i wasnt feeling right. but it was so hard to pick her. just as hard as it was to find the band in that sea of muted color.
i looked at my watch... by then it was after 1am. id lost track of that many hours. i never stopped thinking, never stopped being me. but i tried. some more songs kicked up, faster tempo. Suitcase Boogie. love that song. i tried to remember where i was at. then someone grabbed me. some girl from the dance floor came over and pulled me up. im a terrible dancer. worse than i sing, if you believe that. she wasnt bad. dancing that is. she just smiled and laughed at me. she just kept laughing and we kept going. kept bumping into people, but no one cared. everyone was happy. everyone was moving. really the only way to move was if the whole crowd did. then they hit the end of the song. i turned to face her, and she looked up at me, and asked me what i was doing by myself. i told her, i was waiting on a friend, that was supposed to show up. she smiled at me, then laughed. she pinched my ear, and said--- "go back and wait for her." her friends pulled her off the floor and were going for the door, she waived, and like that she was gone. and i was standing by myself. they kicked into Chicago Northwestern Line; and i found my seat. singing along.
"2 miles ahead, 3 miles back. miles and miles of this railroad track. we are workin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. look at sally, look at jack. poundin spikes in that line of track; and we are working down Chicago's Northwestern Line. walkin knees, with the wind at our back, up and down this railroad track. C&W is right on time, rolling by at a half-past nine. big wheels here, big wheels there, they dont worry and they dont care. they are rollin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. "
i didnt get it. i still dont. how did she know i was waiting for a girl? how did she know i was by myself? why did she tell me to go wait for her? it hurt my head. i tried to drown it in ice-water; thats all April would bring me, (but she smiled about it) and a plate of fries... lathered in ketchup and salt. i still dont understand it. it hurts my head, even the day after, to think much about it. time. thats something she said. "time will tell" to me, at that time, it felt more like a way to brush me off. and maybe it was. i dont know. maybe it wasnt. i shouldnt think about it. i shouldnt pester her. but i had to do one more thing. i felt it when i sat there, i had one more thing i wanted to do for her. -=-=-=-=- it has nothing to do with you not comming out, not talking to me, not about breaking up, not about being busy, not about anything... youll see. i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to show you i care. i didnt have an address for you back home, or id have waited a month or so and randomly sent it then. but youll get it monday. you can call me if you want more explanation. but really, i want to give you the time you want. i just couldnt do this with that time, and its something i always wanted to do for you. its something you can take home. its something to let you know im not lying when i say i love you. 4 months, on the day you leave, isnt something to throw away. i think theres alot more. but i believe in you, and i care about you. i wish youd let me in. but ill give you your time now. -=-=-=-=-
i kept thinking about it as the night slid by. just before 2am, they announced they had to stop; only 1 more song. no one was happy. they said the police were going to come shut them down if they didnt, so they said theyd do a fun one for us all. from the first little dity off Joes fingers, played honest and faithful to the tune; we all knew it. people hugged, people cheered. some kissed. Keith yelled into a microphone that "I SEE KISSING ON THE DANCEFLOOR!" and he laughed shaking a finger at them. they played You Are My Sunshine. 7 people. started with a faithful, one string melody. pause. then into a twangy, chord bending, delta house blues version on guitar. then joined by the dobro, and the box for background. the bass started hitting, maracas and dreds started flying. and the harmonicas went on. it was in full swing then. the whole place got up. everyone but me. everyone sang.. even i did.
"sunshine, you are my sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you; please dont take my sunshine away"
they played it for 15 minutes. no one got tired. everyone had a trial or three with the melody; everyone sang everytime we hit a chorus break. the place was crazy. never seen that many people that happy; not from booze, from drugs, but from music and memories. to be happy to be around everyone else that was so happy; everyone happy from their own reasons; happy together, happy because of each other. happy to have some Sunshine in their life. i agreed. thats what sold me on what i had to do. everyone being happy. everyone having something to be happy about. somewhere out there someone wasnt happy. i want her to be happy; i want her to know she makes me happy. she'll know monday. she'll know someday.
but i wrote it down.
so then i though to myself, all how much fun it must be. to be one of them. they danced, together, all strangers, all people. they were together, and they were happy. to be one of them, would mean that i could never remain who i am-- as they all danced so merrily. friends. couples. lovers. -- the sobers and the drunks; the dancers with the wallflowers; tatoo's and straigh edge; old and young; the musicains and all these admiorers. -- all the feet tap and move, all them move this way. for all of them, this was life. this was living today. how i envied them all, for one night to forget it all; everything i brought with me, they abandoned. some are rejects adn some are stallwarts; but all of them have found security wrapped into the wall of muted colors. the excitement brought out only attracted more of them; this is one of the final nights they can forget it all. even if i couldnt. i scratch away on my pad, and they reach me. they had me dance with them; they had me share; and be merry. and if but for this last time; when they all danced on; they still will; they dance on now, in the back room at the mill.
[ ill put some of those songs up, album versions, in my AIM get file ]
[ PART 1 of a 2 PART SERIES]
question of the night... am i to be im-pressed, or de-pressed? [keep it in mind]
when walking home at 2am [ill get to that later], i hear giggling, girls giggling. drunk girl giggling. but its 2am, and im sure they are all out now. so walking to the blind corner of the Lindquist building; i look to my immediate right. low and behold. a young blonde lady [a true blonde, i noticed], wearing clothes far too small for her, is squatting with her pants and panties around her ankels, urinating. in full view of the public. back to the wall, business end facing the busy street. her hed and back are rested against the wall as shes going, she sees me, then reaches and half fondles my leg, before i could dodge her. i stop and look at her. shes a mess. so enebriated, she cant look up at me and keep staring at one fixed point with her head. still peeing all over herself, on her hands and onto her pants and underwear around her ankles. after the reach, she tries to stand, pushing her back and shoulders against the wall, thrusting her pelvis out at me, still peeing down herself. she takes both hands and sticks them in a certain place, and moans several times, rolling her head against the wall. she says something like [it was tough to understand her, and i was in shock] .. "oooohh... i want you, come home with me. " and is still peeing on herself, albeit a trickle now.
question is people; am i im-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive; or am i de-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2 am on a public street ?
lemme know.. IM me it or email me.
salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu ALVACADO5 on aol inst mes.
[part 2 is comming tomorrow]
question of the night... am i to be im-pressed, or de-pressed? [keep it in mind]
when walking home at 2am [ill get to that later], i hear giggling, girls giggling. drunk girl giggling. but its 2am, and im sure they are all out now. so walking to the blind corner of the Lindquist building; i look to my immediate right. low and behold. a young blonde lady [a true blonde, i noticed], wearing clothes far too small for her, is squatting with her pants and panties around her ankels, urinating. in full view of the public. back to the wall, business end facing the busy street. her hed and back are rested against the wall as shes going, she sees me, then reaches and half fondles my leg, before i could dodge her. i stop and look at her. shes a mess. so enebriated, she cant look up at me and keep staring at one fixed point with her head. still peeing all over herself, on her hands and onto her pants and underwear around her ankles. after the reach, she tries to stand, pushing her back and shoulders against the wall, thrusting her pelvis out at me, still peeing down herself. she takes both hands and sticks them in a certain place, and moans several times, rolling her head against the wall. she says something like [it was tough to understand her, and i was in shock] .. "oooohh... i want you, come home with me. " and is still peeing on herself, albeit a trickle now.
question is people; am i im-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive; or am i de-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2 am on a public street ?
lemme know.. IM me it or email me.
salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu ALVACADO5 on aol inst mes.
[part 2 is comming tomorrow]
Thursday, May 08, 2003
EDITED
with out a doubt; yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. i cant remember a day where everything hurt so bad. ive had bad days, bad times; terrible weeks; none of it compared to yesterday. yesterday everything eventually hit the fan with the one person ive cared about in 4 years. i wanted so desparately for things to work out; i really, really cared about this person. i spent my time thinking about her, and did my best everything that i could to make life better for her. she had a bad day; i went out of my way to try to cheer her up; something was going wrong; i did what ever i could to help make things right. somewhere along the way i lost my heart to her. so it hearts to have my heart yanked out back and forth all day before we finally finish it off. and i feel like crap by the end of the day. i wanted to salvage something with her. she really is too special of a person to let go; and like i told her, with tears in my eyes, even if we couldnt have a relationship right now [because she said we couldnt have one] i still wanted to be a part of her life; and i want her to be a part of mine. i got a fairly cold stare for it. i dont know why. everything i ever said to her i meant; how beautiful she was, how special she was, how much i really enjoyed her; and that i loved her. all of it. i have to think that everything she ever told me was also true; how i was the best person that ever happened to her, how she truely loved me, how i broke down every barrier she put up to keep people away. and it ends up with me being blocked and such. typical way to ward scott off. everyone does it. everyone also tells me i shouldnt be sad at all. everyone tells me i should be happy to be done with her, that all she ever did was treat me bad, and hurt me. thats not true. for once and all, i wish i could tell everyone that she really is a great person. i dont wish any harm to her, she was awesome at times. she totally complimented everything there was about me; she was just dropped into my life; and i really thanked God for every second with her. and i miss her now. but when didnt i? ive always missed a person like her in my life. ive always wanted someone who could be there for me like she used to be. but i truely missed her. someone that would smile like she would; that was content to sit and hold my hand. who was excited to be with me, and excited me to see. the last few weeks i dont count. i dont think about the fighting or whatever else went wrong; i think of everything that was right about her and about us. thats why i miss her. thats probably why it hurts. i feel like that, those memories, those times, the idea of making it work; were all the things ripped out of my heart yesterday. and really for no reason. i guess things are going wrong in her life. i wanted to be there for her, i wanted to help in whatever way i could, and i dont know what. then i found out about this other guy. this other guy that now is replacing me in her mind; and surely all the things ive done for her will disappear, and that hurts me the most. that im just someone to throw aside; that my heart and my emotions were nothing of consideration; just something idle going on. background noise. things to move on through. i feel like shit. i hurt inside. my heart actually aches. i couldnt move yesterday. i spent 2 hours on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, crying. i was just thinking about her, and it just came to me. and i couldnt stop. yesterday just wouldnt end. when we had the items trade, i tried to talk to her. she didnt want to hear anything from me; didnt want to care. i did. i lost it again, and cried in front of her. second time ive ever done that to a female. both times were with her. i felt bad for myself, and for loosing out on her. all i wanted was to tell her i want her to stay in my life. ive never felt so strongly about someone before, totally through and through. lots of nights we sit together and about about everything. and i want her back. i want that person that wanted to be part of my life; that i let in. i want that person who did let me in her life; but wanted me back out. there never were problems with us, it was always something else. so i felt bad for her. she will be going through all this alone, i thought, with no one there to help. i wish that shed unblock me, i wish that we could talk. i wish i could go back to hugging her and wiping away her tears. even if not, i wish she could get over everything; its taken me all day, but im getting there; and see me for what i really wanted. i wanted her, no doubt, but i want to make her complete. i never wanted to hurt her; i never wanted to yell; i think the only time i raised my voice was that one weekend when when It happened. and it wasnt that i was mean to her; i just had to get through. that was the very day i realized how much i wanted you. i wanted to keep you free from harm, to hold and comfort you. to kiss you and make you happy; just like we used to. but nothing worked out the way i wanted, and its pretty easy to tell. shes not a whore, so if you think that please do not. shes not necessarily a liar; just some times the truth just cant come up on the first try for reasons she wont say. i understood her so well; shes not a bad person; i wish i was with her still; all that i regret from her, is how she made me feel all day. i felt that strongly about someone, and cared that much, and all it did was hurt. all the sides of her, that no one else ever saw; the things that i love about her, the things that i will miss; are all the things i cant describe... little looks, thoughts, that first kiss. i wish we could work things out. i wish she would see the future i see with her. i hope that soon she calls. i miss her in my life, and i worry about her most of all. i wish shed realize everything i did for her, and not be angry or embarrased. i did them out of love, respect, and compassion. i hope you read the letter i wrote to you, because you meant that much to me. i hope you dont laugh or get angry about it; its everything i kept in side that i wanted to work with you on. the little things, like that present; was not meant to get her back; only to make her happy, to give resolve to her panic. i bought that for her a couple weeks ago, its sat in my closet, i didnt know what else to do. i wanted to give it to her on the last time that we met, so thats had something to take home with her, something more than just a picture of us. when she would be all alone; i gave her something to watch; when she would feel by herself, i wanted her to think of me. not that i was angry, mad or uneventfully, just that i see her now and then, special, beautiful and happily. but it was the longest day of my life, with just an hours sleep; where she never left my mind; and only her i wanted to see. but nothing works out right for me, nothing ever will. all my hopes my dreams my struggles, still will go uncarred for.
God why did you send this angel, just to have her go away? why bother to fuck with me; and move around a map; make me dance in cirlces, just to prove i can? why make me love someone that would leave me like she did? why give me the pain of separation, after all i had to give? why is it now im lonely, and cant sit in with people? why cant you give me something permanent? a girl you wont take away? one that wants to be with me, and never, ever go astray? why did i invest all my time and heart, for someone that wants out? why cant she see me for who i am for her, instead she goes out. Lord you answered my prayers once before, when i called to you and said how lonely that i was... that i needed someone in my life, 4 years had been too long. then from nowhere she comes to my life; and brings me all this joy, awakens up a loving spirit, makes me proud to be a boy. proud to be a young man, that wore his heart upon his sleeve, proud to cry to the girl he loved without berevity. i wait for some kind of answer Lord, though one will never come; give me a girl that i can love, that wants to love me more. why is it these things always hurt me? why must i be the one? can it Lord, for once be only fun. i tried to hold up each of your rules; i said no to sex and booze; i supported her as she were my own lord, and never wasnt i true? can no one see my pain or grief God, but let it come to me; for each day that she was with me; i still thank Thee who resides above. Lord just grant me this; and please give some followthrough; give me someone that will want me; make it all come true. project my dreams, and kill my lonleiness, return to me Lord, a fair angelic face to caress. i never wished to use her Lord, or let any one do that; i spent my time my heart entrusted to make her free from crap. I watched her be happy; and i wanted to ensure it; i fought with her Oh Lord, to make it all revisit; to make it through the layers of barbs, she put around her heart; to have her watch me bleeding, then to realize my start. that hurting myself in the short gain; only would bring us closer in the long game. i wanted in Lord, and i let her in; she could quite see how; that someone should be willing to; deal with out her now. with no reason to love her; i still surely do; i make my heart open, although i may be blue. sad and angry Lord, alone i am again; without my girl, you gave me, i only wonder when. soon i hope, not more years, where one will come to me; to stay with me forever and see the things i wish to be. I wished shed come and smile more; and see what i had meant for; Lord give my heart to someone, and let her know just what i've done. let her know that ill love her true; dont let me rot to death; old age comes quickly Lord, let me enjoy life with her embrace. someone i can share my life with; just like i did with her; all those late night rendezous, all the hours i spend with you. id never ask for any of it back; they meant too much to you and me; its something now you can keep with you, to remind you where ill be. always waiting for your return; waiting for that which to learn. Lord i wish you'd make amends, and fix things like i tried; and make just this one more girl; see it, me, in her eyes. that though i maybe be ugly, wretched, cruel and foul; Lord i do my best to provide for her; even with my heart upon the ground. she made me cry, tears still come; shes perfect Lord, so then who is the one? the one that can not be for me, Lord i ask thee, grant for me. just one wish, one idle prayer, the thing i always ask at night; petty and shallow it may be, but a girl that will love me right. one, lord that im not affraid to introduce, just like this one Lord, but without the noose. it hung around my neck, and the gallows were built slow; Lord you made me hang myself; with love, feeling, amor.
with out a doubt; yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. i cant remember a day where everything hurt so bad. ive had bad days, bad times; terrible weeks; none of it compared to yesterday. yesterday everything eventually hit the fan with the one person ive cared about in 4 years. i wanted so desparately for things to work out; i really, really cared about this person. i spent my time thinking about her, and did my best everything that i could to make life better for her. she had a bad day; i went out of my way to try to cheer her up; something was going wrong; i did what ever i could to help make things right. somewhere along the way i lost my heart to her. so it hearts to have my heart yanked out back and forth all day before we finally finish it off. and i feel like crap by the end of the day. i wanted to salvage something with her. she really is too special of a person to let go; and like i told her, with tears in my eyes, even if we couldnt have a relationship right now [because she said we couldnt have one] i still wanted to be a part of her life; and i want her to be a part of mine. i got a fairly cold stare for it. i dont know why. everything i ever said to her i meant; how beautiful she was, how special she was, how much i really enjoyed her; and that i loved her. all of it. i have to think that everything she ever told me was also true; how i was the best person that ever happened to her, how she truely loved me, how i broke down every barrier she put up to keep people away. and it ends up with me being blocked and such. typical way to ward scott off. everyone does it. everyone also tells me i shouldnt be sad at all. everyone tells me i should be happy to be done with her, that all she ever did was treat me bad, and hurt me. thats not true. for once and all, i wish i could tell everyone that she really is a great person. i dont wish any harm to her, she was awesome at times. she totally complimented everything there was about me; she was just dropped into my life; and i really thanked God for every second with her. and i miss her now. but when didnt i? ive always missed a person like her in my life. ive always wanted someone who could be there for me like she used to be. but i truely missed her. someone that would smile like she would; that was content to sit and hold my hand. who was excited to be with me, and excited me to see. the last few weeks i dont count. i dont think about the fighting or whatever else went wrong; i think of everything that was right about her and about us. thats why i miss her. thats probably why it hurts. i feel like that, those memories, those times, the idea of making it work; were all the things ripped out of my heart yesterday. and really for no reason. i guess things are going wrong in her life. i wanted to be there for her, i wanted to help in whatever way i could, and i dont know what. then i found out about this other guy. this other guy that now is replacing me in her mind; and surely all the things ive done for her will disappear, and that hurts me the most. that im just someone to throw aside; that my heart and my emotions were nothing of consideration; just something idle going on. background noise. things to move on through. i feel like shit. i hurt inside. my heart actually aches. i couldnt move yesterday. i spent 2 hours on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, crying. i was just thinking about her, and it just came to me. and i couldnt stop. yesterday just wouldnt end. when we had the items trade, i tried to talk to her. she didnt want to hear anything from me; didnt want to care. i did. i lost it again, and cried in front of her. second time ive ever done that to a female. both times were with her. i felt bad for myself, and for loosing out on her. all i wanted was to tell her i want her to stay in my life. ive never felt so strongly about someone before, totally through and through. lots of nights we sit together and about about everything. and i want her back. i want that person that wanted to be part of my life; that i let in. i want that person who did let me in her life; but wanted me back out. there never were problems with us, it was always something else. so i felt bad for her. she will be going through all this alone, i thought, with no one there to help. i wish that shed unblock me, i wish that we could talk. i wish i could go back to hugging her and wiping away her tears. even if not, i wish she could get over everything; its taken me all day, but im getting there; and see me for what i really wanted. i wanted her, no doubt, but i want to make her complete. i never wanted to hurt her; i never wanted to yell; i think the only time i raised my voice was that one weekend when when It happened. and it wasnt that i was mean to her; i just had to get through. that was the very day i realized how much i wanted you. i wanted to keep you free from harm, to hold and comfort you. to kiss you and make you happy; just like we used to. but nothing worked out the way i wanted, and its pretty easy to tell. shes not a whore, so if you think that please do not. shes not necessarily a liar; just some times the truth just cant come up on the first try for reasons she wont say. i understood her so well; shes not a bad person; i wish i was with her still; all that i regret from her, is how she made me feel all day. i felt that strongly about someone, and cared that much, and all it did was hurt. all the sides of her, that no one else ever saw; the things that i love about her, the things that i will miss; are all the things i cant describe... little looks, thoughts, that first kiss. i wish we could work things out. i wish she would see the future i see with her. i hope that soon she calls. i miss her in my life, and i worry about her most of all. i wish shed realize everything i did for her, and not be angry or embarrased. i did them out of love, respect, and compassion. i hope you read the letter i wrote to you, because you meant that much to me. i hope you dont laugh or get angry about it; its everything i kept in side that i wanted to work with you on. the little things, like that present; was not meant to get her back; only to make her happy, to give resolve to her panic. i bought that for her a couple weeks ago, its sat in my closet, i didnt know what else to do. i wanted to give it to her on the last time that we met, so thats had something to take home with her, something more than just a picture of us. when she would be all alone; i gave her something to watch; when she would feel by herself, i wanted her to think of me. not that i was angry, mad or uneventfully, just that i see her now and then, special, beautiful and happily. but it was the longest day of my life, with just an hours sleep; where she never left my mind; and only her i wanted to see. but nothing works out right for me, nothing ever will. all my hopes my dreams my struggles, still will go uncarred for.
God why did you send this angel, just to have her go away? why bother to fuck with me; and move around a map; make me dance in cirlces, just to prove i can? why make me love someone that would leave me like she did? why give me the pain of separation, after all i had to give? why is it now im lonely, and cant sit in with people? why cant you give me something permanent? a girl you wont take away? one that wants to be with me, and never, ever go astray? why did i invest all my time and heart, for someone that wants out? why cant she see me for who i am for her, instead she goes out. Lord you answered my prayers once before, when i called to you and said how lonely that i was... that i needed someone in my life, 4 years had been too long. then from nowhere she comes to my life; and brings me all this joy, awakens up a loving spirit, makes me proud to be a boy. proud to be a young man, that wore his heart upon his sleeve, proud to cry to the girl he loved without berevity. i wait for some kind of answer Lord, though one will never come; give me a girl that i can love, that wants to love me more. why is it these things always hurt me? why must i be the one? can it Lord, for once be only fun. i tried to hold up each of your rules; i said no to sex and booze; i supported her as she were my own lord, and never wasnt i true? can no one see my pain or grief God, but let it come to me; for each day that she was with me; i still thank Thee who resides above. Lord just grant me this; and please give some followthrough; give me someone that will want me; make it all come true. project my dreams, and kill my lonleiness, return to me Lord, a fair angelic face to caress. i never wished to use her Lord, or let any one do that; i spent my time my heart entrusted to make her free from crap. I watched her be happy; and i wanted to ensure it; i fought with her Oh Lord, to make it all revisit; to make it through the layers of barbs, she put around her heart; to have her watch me bleeding, then to realize my start. that hurting myself in the short gain; only would bring us closer in the long game. i wanted in Lord, and i let her in; she could quite see how; that someone should be willing to; deal with out her now. with no reason to love her; i still surely do; i make my heart open, although i may be blue. sad and angry Lord, alone i am again; without my girl, you gave me, i only wonder when. soon i hope, not more years, where one will come to me; to stay with me forever and see the things i wish to be. I wished shed come and smile more; and see what i had meant for; Lord give my heart to someone, and let her know just what i've done. let her know that ill love her true; dont let me rot to death; old age comes quickly Lord, let me enjoy life with her embrace. someone i can share my life with; just like i did with her; all those late night rendezous, all the hours i spend with you. id never ask for any of it back; they meant too much to you and me; its something now you can keep with you, to remind you where ill be. always waiting for your return; waiting for that which to learn. Lord i wish you'd make amends, and fix things like i tried; and make just this one more girl; see it, me, in her eyes. that though i maybe be ugly, wretched, cruel and foul; Lord i do my best to provide for her; even with my heart upon the ground. she made me cry, tears still come; shes perfect Lord, so then who is the one? the one that can not be for me, Lord i ask thee, grant for me. just one wish, one idle prayer, the thing i always ask at night; petty and shallow it may be, but a girl that will love me right. one, lord that im not affraid to introduce, just like this one Lord, but without the noose. it hung around my neck, and the gallows were built slow; Lord you made me hang myself; with love, feeling, amor.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
you all want to read the internet, read this
I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.
i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.
then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.
I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.
i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.
then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
"YEAH, WELL CHARLIE DON'T SURF!" [actually from the night before; Blogger wouldnt post]
Current Musical Selection: Rob Zombie - House of 1000 Corpses.
Movies man. Movies. had to listen to this song, its Rob's opus for his new movie, which opened this past weekend; ive been counting down its release for a year and a half, from its movement back and forth to different release companies, to script changes, to the trailer release, to the date bump back; to now its release. damn you nick for getting to see it; i wish i could have. its supposed to be the damdest gorefest horror movie to hit the screen in a long while... much along the lines of Night Of The Living Dead, etc; it was his goal to recreate the movies he enjoyed as a kid, coupled with his lust for the dead and rotting. and im missing it. its a movie i wanted to take someone with; i dont even bother asking at this point. ill sit through it by myself i suppose. cant trust people for anything anymore. ---- thats right Rob;
movies tho. lately its been about movies. im re-watching Apocalypse Now Redux for about the 30th time; for a class screening. im amazed every time i sit through it. its one of those few movies in the last... 40 years maybe,... that you really should treat yourself to. the story is disturbing, the plot is thick and metaphoric, yet straightforward; the visuals are astounding for something thats over 20 years old; and you cant be the acting... Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishbourne, Robert Duvall, not to mention Martin Sheen and T H E Marlon Brando. really is a great movie. i got excited waiting for it to start. got the same chills when Duvall lets his line rip;
Kilgore: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... [cant finish line, walks away disgruntled]
i was going right along with it, especially when the phrase: "BUT CHARLIE DON'T SURF" came up. god i love it. film makers should quit now. no war movies can capture the surreal qualities of combat and the mystique of the human animal like Francis Ford did with this one; sure they can improve the surroundings of war; yes they can come up with more and more compelling story lines, and ofcourse the special effects are only going to improve; but this movie tops my list; all time. its one of the greats.
Current Musical Selection: Rob Zombie - House of 1000 Corpses.
Movies man. Movies. had to listen to this song, its Rob's opus for his new movie, which opened this past weekend; ive been counting down its release for a year and a half, from its movement back and forth to different release companies, to script changes, to the trailer release, to the date bump back; to now its release. damn you nick for getting to see it; i wish i could have. its supposed to be the damdest gorefest horror movie to hit the screen in a long while... much along the lines of Night Of The Living Dead, etc; it was his goal to recreate the movies he enjoyed as a kid, coupled with his lust for the dead and rotting. and im missing it. its a movie i wanted to take someone with; i dont even bother asking at this point. ill sit through it by myself i suppose. cant trust people for anything anymore. ---- thats right Rob;
movies tho. lately its been about movies. im re-watching Apocalypse Now Redux for about the 30th time; for a class screening. im amazed every time i sit through it. its one of those few movies in the last... 40 years maybe,... that you really should treat yourself to. the story is disturbing, the plot is thick and metaphoric, yet straightforward; the visuals are astounding for something thats over 20 years old; and you cant be the acting... Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishbourne, Robert Duvall, not to mention Martin Sheen and T H E Marlon Brando. really is a great movie. i got excited waiting for it to start. got the same chills when Duvall lets his line rip;
Kilgore: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... [cant finish line, walks away disgruntled]
i was going right along with it, especially when the phrase: "BUT CHARLIE DON'T SURF" came up. god i love it. film makers should quit now. no war movies can capture the surreal qualities of combat and the mystique of the human animal like Francis Ford did with this one; sure they can improve the surroundings of war; yes they can come up with more and more compelling story lines, and ofcourse the special effects are only going to improve; but this movie tops my list; all time. its one of the greats.
Monday, May 05, 2003
MY NIGHT...
well i didnt get to eat; but i could have saved a kids life tonight. fair trade? dunno. im pretty hungry right now. bout 11:40 i was in the quad itc; when i heard a thump, and a girl scream; i turned around and saw the itc monitor on the ground shaking, and the girl hysterical with her hands on her mouth. i ran over to that side of the room in enough time to see him spit out a mouthful of saliva, as he gyrated on the floor. he was having a seizure. a pretty violent one. by then another male had come over and got on the floor next to him. the kids name was gailen, or something like that; it was hard to understand the girl as she started shrieking hysterically again for help, and Oh My God's intermingled. i knelt down, he was choking and spat stuff out again, shaking harder. the other male, whose name i never learned, held down the kids arms to keep them from flailing into the metal desk anymore. i asked her if he had a history of seizures. she didnt look at me. i grabbed her shoulder and asked again, she looked at me, tears on her face and said no. i jumped the monitors desk and called 911. it took awhile for them to pick up. seemed like a half hour, probably was less than a minute. time moves slow when people are screaming and uncontrollably shaking. finally.. Johnson County 911 Service. "yes, im located in quadrangle residence hall, u of iowa campus, west side of the river; i have a 150 pound caucasian male, approximately 20 years of age, undergoing violent seizures. subject has no known history of seizures." --- where is he? "hes on the ground now... half on his stomach and half on his side" ok sir. SIR? are you still there "yeah" (i got taken in by watching it all and forgot to talk) is he breathing? "im not sure, im too far away--- guys i need to know if hes breathing" the girl starts shaking with hysteria and cries, even the operator hears it; Sir keep everyone calm; is he breathing? "no ma'am, hes turning blue and getting cold... he wont relax his throat or stop slamming his head" has he vommitted? "not vomit, just spit so far" do you know cpr, you may have to administer breaths-- "yes i do, but id have to put the phone down to do it" the other guy yells, I KNOW CPR TOO. the operator hears it "ma'am well be ok, we can do cpr, weve got people that can" is he breathing now? "is he breathing guys?" kids spits up again. yes, hes breathing now. youll need to get him on his side now, the operator says, to keep him from choking incase he vommits. "guys get him on his side" girl doesnt respond. FLIP HIM THE FUCK ON HIS SIDE. the other guy grabs him by his arms and rolls him over. then two RA's come in... someone must have yelled for help, i never heard it. they look at me first, then down at him, then back at me. the operator dispatches ambulance and iowa city pd. is he still breathing now sir? "yeah, his colors coming back.. we cant get a pulse, we cant keep him still." thats ok sir, keep him on his side, paramedics will be there shortly, stay on the line with me sir. then the hall coordinator comes in, followed by dps guards. "ma'am weve got dps here now" they stand off to the side, and dont say much. one grabs his radio and starts talking. the kid isnt as blue as he was. still looks bad. sir, youll need to stay on the line with me, how is the subject? "hes pale, still seizing, but hes slowing down" the kid has almost stopped shaking.. its intermittent now. i start to hear a faint ambulence siren. he starts moaning. "ma'am hes starting to come back to" a dps police officer comes in, with gloves on and drops to the floor wiht the kid, holding his head, brushing the spit from his mouth, taking great care to stradle him far enough to avoid the kid snaping his own neck between the officers knees. the sirens are loud now. the RA's stand around. sir, youll need to send someone out side to direct the ambulence where to go.. "ok, dps is here, but we can do that; GINA GET OUT FRONT AND FLAG DOWN THE AMBULENCE; ma'am im sending a women with dark hair, glasses and a blue shirt out side for the ambulence; were at the far east end of the building" ok sir, how is he doing now? "hes looking better, hes coming out of it" the kids rolling his eyes around... still dillated pupils. hes asking things, but trails off. the hall coordinator looks at me again. so does the other RA. (why the hell am i here? why am i the one doing this, why cant they?) the paramedics come in. the kid is on his back now, trying to talk. the girl has stopped screaming now, shes just crying and holding his hand. talking to him. i cant see him anymore, all i see is her butt and underwear hanging out of her pants. bright blue. "ma'am the paramedics are here" ok sir, you can hang up now.. "thank you" sir stay with him to tell the paramedics, you did a good thing tonight. click. i didnt stick around much longer. i grabbed kevin the hall coordinator, and asked him if i could go; he said ok. i picked up my stuff as they were tending to the kid. big crowd of people wearing blues and blacks. it smelled like rubber in the room, and a nasty breath smell. probably from the spit. i tried my best not to start shaking. my hands did trying to button my coat. i tried thinking why the hell i didnt hop up immediately when i heard a thump. ive heard that before. its a head hitting something. its hollow, but its solid. its like a dropping a pumpkin on the sidewalk, but louder. it echos. theres no splat. but its something like that.. or it isnt i dont care. i cant button my fucking coat. i try the zipper instead. its not much better. i hear the radios crackling. the kids talking now, answering questions. he cant tho. doesnt know where hes at. doesnt know his name. or who everyone is. the girl starts sobbing. its not a bad sob. somehow that sounds different from a bad sob, but it wasnt. i tried to walk past without attention. i stopped by kevin again, and told him i was willing to write an incident report. my watch said 11:44pm. he didnt look at me. he grabbed my shoulder, its ok, the RA's and i will take care of it... thanks man. thanks for being here. "yeah, no problem" no one looks at me when i leave. no one notices that i left i figure. i go out the door into the raining darkness, broken by sirens.. reds and blues temporarily blind me. the dps guard holding the door pushes me out of the way so they can move the backer board in. i just walk away. my hands are shaking in my pockets.
well i didnt get to eat; but i could have saved a kids life tonight. fair trade? dunno. im pretty hungry right now. bout 11:40 i was in the quad itc; when i heard a thump, and a girl scream; i turned around and saw the itc monitor on the ground shaking, and the girl hysterical with her hands on her mouth. i ran over to that side of the room in enough time to see him spit out a mouthful of saliva, as he gyrated on the floor. he was having a seizure. a pretty violent one. by then another male had come over and got on the floor next to him. the kids name was gailen, or something like that; it was hard to understand the girl as she started shrieking hysterically again for help, and Oh My God's intermingled. i knelt down, he was choking and spat stuff out again, shaking harder. the other male, whose name i never learned, held down the kids arms to keep them from flailing into the metal desk anymore. i asked her if he had a history of seizures. she didnt look at me. i grabbed her shoulder and asked again, she looked at me, tears on her face and said no. i jumped the monitors desk and called 911. it took awhile for them to pick up. seemed like a half hour, probably was less than a minute. time moves slow when people are screaming and uncontrollably shaking. finally.. Johnson County 911 Service. "yes, im located in quadrangle residence hall, u of iowa campus, west side of the river; i have a 150 pound caucasian male, approximately 20 years of age, undergoing violent seizures. subject has no known history of seizures." --- where is he? "hes on the ground now... half on his stomach and half on his side" ok sir. SIR? are you still there "yeah" (i got taken in by watching it all and forgot to talk) is he breathing? "im not sure, im too far away--- guys i need to know if hes breathing" the girl starts shaking with hysteria and cries, even the operator hears it; Sir keep everyone calm; is he breathing? "no ma'am, hes turning blue and getting cold... he wont relax his throat or stop slamming his head" has he vommitted? "not vomit, just spit so far" do you know cpr, you may have to administer breaths-- "yes i do, but id have to put the phone down to do it" the other guy yells, I KNOW CPR TOO. the operator hears it "ma'am well be ok, we can do cpr, weve got people that can" is he breathing now? "is he breathing guys?" kids spits up again. yes, hes breathing now. youll need to get him on his side now, the operator says, to keep him from choking incase he vommits. "guys get him on his side" girl doesnt respond. FLIP HIM THE FUCK ON HIS SIDE. the other guy grabs him by his arms and rolls him over. then two RA's come in... someone must have yelled for help, i never heard it. they look at me first, then down at him, then back at me. the operator dispatches ambulance and iowa city pd. is he still breathing now sir? "yeah, his colors coming back.. we cant get a pulse, we cant keep him still." thats ok sir, keep him on his side, paramedics will be there shortly, stay on the line with me sir. then the hall coordinator comes in, followed by dps guards. "ma'am weve got dps here now" they stand off to the side, and dont say much. one grabs his radio and starts talking. the kid isnt as blue as he was. still looks bad. sir, youll need to stay on the line with me, how is the subject? "hes pale, still seizing, but hes slowing down" the kid has almost stopped shaking.. its intermittent now. i start to hear a faint ambulence siren. he starts moaning. "ma'am hes starting to come back to" a dps police officer comes in, with gloves on and drops to the floor wiht the kid, holding his head, brushing the spit from his mouth, taking great care to stradle him far enough to avoid the kid snaping his own neck between the officers knees. the sirens are loud now. the RA's stand around. sir, youll need to send someone out side to direct the ambulence where to go.. "ok, dps is here, but we can do that; GINA GET OUT FRONT AND FLAG DOWN THE AMBULENCE; ma'am im sending a women with dark hair, glasses and a blue shirt out side for the ambulence; were at the far east end of the building" ok sir, how is he doing now? "hes looking better, hes coming out of it" the kids rolling his eyes around... still dillated pupils. hes asking things, but trails off. the hall coordinator looks at me again. so does the other RA. (why the hell am i here? why am i the one doing this, why cant they?) the paramedics come in. the kid is on his back now, trying to talk. the girl has stopped screaming now, shes just crying and holding his hand. talking to him. i cant see him anymore, all i see is her butt and underwear hanging out of her pants. bright blue. "ma'am the paramedics are here" ok sir, you can hang up now.. "thank you" sir stay with him to tell the paramedics, you did a good thing tonight. click. i didnt stick around much longer. i grabbed kevin the hall coordinator, and asked him if i could go; he said ok. i picked up my stuff as they were tending to the kid. big crowd of people wearing blues and blacks. it smelled like rubber in the room, and a nasty breath smell. probably from the spit. i tried my best not to start shaking. my hands did trying to button my coat. i tried thinking why the hell i didnt hop up immediately when i heard a thump. ive heard that before. its a head hitting something. its hollow, but its solid. its like a dropping a pumpkin on the sidewalk, but louder. it echos. theres no splat. but its something like that.. or it isnt i dont care. i cant button my fucking coat. i try the zipper instead. its not much better. i hear the radios crackling. the kids talking now, answering questions. he cant tho. doesnt know where hes at. doesnt know his name. or who everyone is. the girl starts sobbing. its not a bad sob. somehow that sounds different from a bad sob, but it wasnt. i tried to walk past without attention. i stopped by kevin again, and told him i was willing to write an incident report. my watch said 11:44pm. he didnt look at me. he grabbed my shoulder, its ok, the RA's and i will take care of it... thanks man. thanks for being here. "yeah, no problem" no one looks at me when i leave. no one notices that i left i figure. i go out the door into the raining darkness, broken by sirens.. reds and blues temporarily blind me. the dps guard holding the door pushes me out of the way so they can move the backer board in. i just walk away. my hands are shaking in my pockets.
Monday, April 28, 2003
although i detest those that do nothing but post lyrics to convey thought; it is too fitting to let slide past this time...
Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow - Kill The King
Danger, danger the Queen's about to kill || There's a stranger, stranger and life about to spill || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King || Tear him down
Chorus: Kill the King || Strike him down
Power, power it happens every day || Power, devour all along the way || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King
Treason, treason, the spectre looms again || Treason, reason, the realm is safe and then || Oh no move away from harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the rainbow ||
I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on ||
Chorus: Kill the King || Tear him down || Kill the King || Got to take his crown
Kill the King || He'll rule no more || Strike him dead || The people roar || Kill the King || Take his head || Down, down, down, down || Oh, kill, oh, kill, oh, oh
-----
REX EST MOREM. EXPELULIERUNT AB LOCO HOC EIUS CORPIS ET NUNC IN BUSTUM EUM SALTANT. REX EST NUNC VERE MOREM.
So just like that its over i suppose. the king was finnally overrun, the vandals have sacralized his home, and they roll the body off the thrown. let his blood be water in which they wash their feet, for now the king is dead. killed by those that feared him most, yet desired all that he had accomplished. there was no revenge, no anger as motive; just desire. longing for the possessions aquired by a lifetime of service; but wanted overnight. now they dance and desecrate his halls. they loot and pillage, parade around in his wears, and wallow in what was his opulence; reducing its memory to degernerate filth. his measure of the rule of law has been shattered, and replaced with their crooked spite and waivering forms of truth and intruth. chasing away all lasting remnants of his kingdom, they have forced his family and advisors into exile; but not in shame! no, they know the true ways in which this king served his people, and they left in respect to him and his honor; no longer wishing to watch what will become of thier work. the work of pride, now becomes the kingdom of shame. the king is dead. for they have killed him. one day he may rise again, to take back his land, to liberate his people, and again restore the glory of the kingship. but now he is truely dead, long live the king in our memory.
EN EGO CAMPANA NUMQUAM DE NUNTIO VANA
Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow - Kill The King
Danger, danger the Queen's about to kill || There's a stranger, stranger and life about to spill || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King || Tear him down
Chorus: Kill the King || Strike him down
Power, power it happens every day || Power, devour all along the way || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King
Treason, treason, the spectre looms again || Treason, reason, the realm is safe and then || Oh no move away from harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the rainbow ||
I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on ||
Chorus: Kill the King || Tear him down || Kill the King || Got to take his crown
Kill the King || He'll rule no more || Strike him dead || The people roar || Kill the King || Take his head || Down, down, down, down || Oh, kill, oh, kill, oh, oh
-----
REX EST MOREM. EXPELULIERUNT AB LOCO HOC EIUS CORPIS ET NUNC IN BUSTUM EUM SALTANT. REX EST NUNC VERE MOREM.
So just like that its over i suppose. the king was finnally overrun, the vandals have sacralized his home, and they roll the body off the thrown. let his blood be water in which they wash their feet, for now the king is dead. killed by those that feared him most, yet desired all that he had accomplished. there was no revenge, no anger as motive; just desire. longing for the possessions aquired by a lifetime of service; but wanted overnight. now they dance and desecrate his halls. they loot and pillage, parade around in his wears, and wallow in what was his opulence; reducing its memory to degernerate filth. his measure of the rule of law has been shattered, and replaced with their crooked spite and waivering forms of truth and intruth. chasing away all lasting remnants of his kingdom, they have forced his family and advisors into exile; but not in shame! no, they know the true ways in which this king served his people, and they left in respect to him and his honor; no longer wishing to watch what will become of thier work. the work of pride, now becomes the kingdom of shame. the king is dead. for they have killed him. one day he may rise again, to take back his land, to liberate his people, and again restore the glory of the kingship. but now he is truely dead, long live the king in our memory.
EN EGO CAMPANA NUMQUAM DE NUNTIO VANA
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