you all want to read the internet, read this

I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.

i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.

then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.