//// REVISITED ////

does this look familiar?:::::

EASY to become ESTRANGED
[ Thursday, March 20, 2003 ]

Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-


A Simple Dedication


I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.

...

so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.


so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.

---------------------------------

stuff i wrote down 3 months ago.. almost to the day. i dunno why. but i did. i was re-archiving this mess and i ran across this... in light of everything else thats happened lately, i guess i wanted to take another look at this. take another stab at what i should have done right.. is it worth my time to do so? i really hope so... im looking at these words and im trying to remember how happy i was when i wrote it... it might not seem like it, but i was. it was hard to write it. it was hard to find the words to say something that meant a damn to the person i cared about most. thats how i tried it before.

but some of it is interesting to read... to see how little its changed. how back then i felt like it felt so right , its funny now, because thats how i try to describe her and i to people. i dont have any other better words to do it with. other than it felt so right. it hurts because it does. it hurts because im away from her, and i want to be with her; maybe more than ever, but i am. when before i was content to be her friend; i want to be her best friend. when it started off that first night as two people together, i want it to be two people in love again. when we didnt know how to think of each other; now i know how i do, and when we both said we didnt want a relationship for alot of reasons; ive never wanted one with someone worse in my life, than i do right now.

like i put it above, i got to learn about the person.. not just facts and bullshit; but them. i learned not only what makes her smile, but how she smiles. not only who she talks to, but why she talks to them. ive learned in the nearly 4 months how to love this person. and i still do. she wanted to break it off. not me. i was just getting ready to keep going. to get on with the next big part of us. the part where wed be apart. which is altogether different than what it was before i knew her; and, which i know she realizes, was altogether more difficult. i remember us talking not long ago about long distance relationships, and how hard they were to keep together. i pretty much agreed with her and said nothing. the whole time i wanted to tell her; its only long distance in body; but not in my mind; and not from my heart. so i couldnt see her everyday. i dont now. well before it happened. but that didnt mean i wouldnt. that didnt mean i wasnt willing to drive 5 hours to see her on a weekend; even if it meant sleeping in my car because her parents would hate me, or shed want to hide me from them. i never told her that my friends back home, when i told them about her on spring break, were so taken in by how much id changed and how much i cared about her, were chipping in gas money for me to drive and see her. they wanted me to stay as happy as i was; as happy as she made me.

im not quite sure what to do with that now. none of its changed. everythings changed. ive been hurt worse by this than any thing anyone has ever said to me before. all the times i was made fun of as a kid, for being fat, for being ugly, for being in the gifted classes, for running with a limp, for being pale, for having red hair, for never getting a girlfriend, for driving a cheap car... none of that shit COMBINED, hurt me as much as her wanting to break up with me. nothing hurt so much when i cried, and she wouldnt. when i tried to help, when i held her hand and told her how much i loved her. when i looked her square in the eyes, and felt my tears break; because i did. because i still do. i cant explain any of it to anyone. ive been trying. people seem shocked. but i do love her. i do care about her. and it hurt me so deeply when she couldnt tell me she cared about me.

so everythings changed, or has it? i didnt know what else to do. im told im supposed to be happy. im not. im told im supposed to move on. but i dont want to. i want my girl back. i want the girl, that i knew, that i fell in love with, that i still love madly, back. shes still there. everythings going on in her life, nothings positive right now. i cant change that, i can only try to be the positive thing for her. then i found out there was another guy. and that was round two. that was when i took the heavy hands to the guts. i was still reeling from the shots to the chin... it flattened me. how else should i have felt? i spent almost four months, learning to love someone; learning how to make them happy, and enjoying every fucking second of it. then its taken away. then its someone else; because im not cute.

reasons dont matter much to me. it was the principle. i had to be told no, so someone else could get told yes. it hurts so much. makes me want to puke. it did. i threw up a couple times from thinking about it. once was not long after we broke up, when i heard about it. the second was the first time i saw her after that at dinner. i tried to smile for my friends, i tried to eat my dinner. but i kept seeing my heart on that plate. i kept seeing it getting stabbed. i lost it. i threw all my food away, walked to the bathroom and blew it. it hurt because, right then and there, it told me i didnt matter. that she didnt care about me. that no one in this world cares about me. its always been about who is cute. its always going to be about who you are, not how i am. its about them being an instant attraction; and me being the dog thats put to sleep. that dog may do a trick; may have a shiny, wet nose. is cute, cudly, soft. i cant do anything about me. im that ugly old lab that the kennel hides. the one thats had his years. hes got plenty more, but none anyone would want. im that dog that will stay with you at night, that keeps you warm, that licks your hand when you have a bad day, that would die to protect you. but its just an ugly fuckin dog. a dog that doesnt need a leash; because he wont go anywhere else. the dog that doesnt bite children, that lays down at your side. the dog everyone kicks. the dog that get spit on. the dog with a name like Fuck You, because thats all he gets called. Hey, Fuck You! Get out of here Fuck You. Dont bark at me ever again Fuck You.

but it wasnt like that. not with one person. there was once one person, that i spent my life with, that never did that to me. and that i made sure i never treated like that dog that i knew. id never hit her, only kiss her. id never yell at her, only hold her hand. she was allways too special, too sweet, too caring about me; to even consider any of it. thats whats hard to explain now. when i have to figure out what happened, and where that person went. i hoped she never left. i hope its just the stress and life kicking her down; and not me. because ive always felt she was the one thing that never took work; that always was a joy, that never was anything, but exactly feeling right.

i think one of my favorite memories with you, was on a wednesday afternoon. id given you a key to get in my room; and i went to class. it was rainy and cold out. really overcast. i had a class at 3, but i told you just to go home and sleep, id call you later. so as soon as i get out of class, i call you.. no answer. i knew you were asleep. so i walk home. i unlock the door and see you. youre all curled up asleep on my couch. blankets and pillows. shoes still on, hanging out underneath. you fell asleep in a spot to leave just enough room for me to sit on the couch when i came home. i dont think id ever felt more wanted then that afternoon. i dont think ive ever felt more in love with a person, than when i saw you that day. knowing you were tired, you came over to sleep to wait for me. and when i sat down next to you, i was very careful not to wake you. i couldnt. i just brushed the hair from your face and kissed you. pulled the blankets back up around you, and put another over your feet. then i sat there until you woke up on your own. i couldnt wake you -- i didnt dare to. you just were so peaceful, so calm. so angelic. i may have known earlier that i loved you, but that reinforced it for me. i wanted it to last forever. thats why i couldnt wake you. id walked in on people sleeping before, but i never felt so happy to see someone like i did when i saw you. i never knew how happy it would make me to have someone to come home to; that was waiting there just for me. someone that i knew would smile, because of me.

i can also remember that first real night together at the hospital. i dont know why it happened. but it did. when we met in the courtyard i wanted to hug you; and i didnt really even know you then... by the time 9 hours later, that i did know you; by the time youd shared so much about your life that i have every reason in the world to hug you, i did. because i was too chickenshit to kiss you. and i should have. it was the only thing that was truely appropriate for feeling that connected to someone. for feeling that right about being with another person. or maybe the first night you were over, where you fell asleep on my couch.. then fell asleep in my arms. i cant forget things like that.. its things like that, that made 4 months feel like 4 years. but in a good way. things like that made me trust in you and believe in you, and want you. it made me love you. it made me love being with you. thats why i say, chicago is only 4 hours from davenport. i can do it in an afternoon, and no one would ever notice. except those that knew, those that knew how we felt about each other, and they? they would just smile.

ive never understood the way my mind works. ive never been able to make much sense out of me making sense of everything. especially now. i want to. i want everything to make sense to me; i want to know the reasons why we cant be together, and in my fashion, i want them lickety split. but i know it cant happen. i know i cant do much. i know i want to do everything for you. and i know you dont want me to do anything. i know i want you so bad, i want you in my life, i want you as my life. and i think i know you arent ready for that. i want you to know; that i love you. i love you because i dont have to. i love you because you freely came into my life; you took a look at the old dog in the back corner, and you we happened. i want to know why that happened, most of all. i want to know why i loved you, and why i love you more now. i want to know how we came to be; how i came home some days to find you sleeping like you were. how i came to love another person as much as i care about you. i care about you when people hurt you, i care about you when you are in class, when your driving somewhere... i couldnt stop myself from warning you about the weather. i care about your life. im not just someone saying it. or listening to your troubles. i really do want to stay a part of it. good and bad. when its hard, i only hold your hand harder. when you cry, i only can wipe your tears faster. and when your happy, i can be close enough to share it with you. you need someone to make out with as much as you need someone to help make it through with. doesnt matter to me how much people can try to hurt you, because id never let them. to me your allways going to be my baby, sleeping on the couch, waiting for me to come home. the one i cant wake up, because shes too peaceful; even if ive been waiting all day to talk to her. the kind i stay awake over, to make sure no one troubles her. when they called your phone, i turned it off. when they knocked on the door, i locked it. when you were cold i covered you. when you were alone, i was with you. when you needed someone to love you; ive never left you. and when i prayed for someone like you; look who came to me. thats how i feel about you. thats how much i care.

im scared now, that ill never get to see you again. im scared, everyday, that it could be the last time i talk to you. im scared because you could freely choose there to be no future; but it would be against everything we ever shared with each other. it would be against everything id ever desired, and everything ive come to know and love about you. but i know its not my choice. i know that it still hurts somewhere in my chest; somewhere theres a dull ache because of you. somewhere i hurts me to be away from you; but its also because of you i can feel that way. its because of you i can feel. its all because of you, that i feel the way i do. its because you, one person, not just someone, not just anyone, because you, that i write these things. i write because you dont want to see me or talk to me; i write because i still care about you; and i cant stop it. i cant stop wanting to talk to you. i write because i know youll read this. i write this because you right this. you right me. you were the perfect compliment to me, you are the answer to my questions, and you make the questions that i have answers to. you are what ive wanted. not something like it; not a close proximity. but you are that storybook girl that ive always wanted a love affiar with. the simple girl id bump into someday; like the first time that we met. that was so shy or smitten [youve never told me] that you got all embarrased and turned away from me. i couldnt. i was stuck staring at the most beautiful girl in the world. they told me she was the Hot Roommate; but all i could say was.. thats not what i was expecting. and you werent. and nothing has ever been the same since. i never told you that i started reading your livejournal, everyday, from then on. i never told you how envious that all of my friends knew you, and i didnt... because i never had the chance to see you like they did. i hate myself, because i never really got to see the girl i fell in love with before it happened... i hate it because i knew it would have then. i knew i would have fallen for you. i hope you would have fallen for me. i hope we can be together. nothing has ever felt so right in my life. not the medals, not the trophies, not my national ranking, not my friends, not anything... NOTHING has ever felt so right in my life, like you. nothing has ever just fallen into place. never has God just given me an angel like when he sent you. for years i prayed, every night, that i didnt want to be alone. i prayed that God would give me someone. someone that would make all these days of lonlieness and want dissappear. someone that would make my heart jump when i saw her, that would let me dry her tears, and that would erase all of my fears. i prayed id find an angel for myself someday. and i know youve always done it too. ive always prayed for you.

so Erin Anne Lemanski, i love you. you mean that much to me. you are the angel ive asked for. i want to think i am yours. ive never met anyone like you... not even close. and all the things ive found in other people; ive never found them like i did in you. some girls would like to talk to me; some girls would just be cute. i could talk myself in to falling in love with some of them. but they arent you. they arent all that. they arent all the things i dont know how to say; but what to hold again. i want to go on loving you, but i want you with to help. i know about your family; its the opposite of mine. i know you have some wonderful friends, and maybe i never have. i know you want to care, and ive lied that i never did. you really are all that to me, and much more. words i cant say, thoughts that cant come out, and feelings i cant let go... all are things ive never felt before. and all are things i only feel for you. so when i look back at those words i wrote several months ago, its hard for me to feel; anything but the same. everything may have changed now; nothing may be good; but with you it felt so right; like nothing ever could. when you told me that you still cared, i didnt know what else to say. thats why i stuttered earlier today. thats why i didnt know what to say. i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to tell you everything that you meant. i wanted to see if thats how you really felt; because i know thats how my prayers would end. God gave you to someone, trust in Him, and trust in him. i love you more than maybe anyone; although i dont know how to prove it. only that my words make sense, and that you can somehow believe them. i dont know how to wait. thats my only fault. i spent all my years being denied and deprived, and now that i see you, i dont know how i should. only that you mean this much to me; like no one else ever should.

so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other. for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. i can call you to tell you nice things, i can send you candy and flowers, but without you know it makes no sense, why i must be without my angel. as long as they days may replay in my head, when Id reach over and feel you at night; I know that there was at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you. so because i love you, i ask you please; come home to me again.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you. please dont take, my sunshine away.

after a couple days of counting... im going to go ahead and call this one...

29 votes for de-pressed.
02 votes for im-pressed.

so i should be de-pressed that: a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2am on a public street.

thanks for the votes. it was interesting to see who all reads this still. if you didnt vote, but want to say what you think; lemme know... i think i feel one more post coming before i leave school... ive got one more good one left in me... maybe one other dedication..

[ PART 2 OF 2 ]

right now there is so much more than girls peeing going on in my head. this was probably my last night of freedom, before i go home. and even then, thats
only for a day or so before im back here to go to North Carolina for a week. but ive had alot on my mind lately. a lot happened this week. alot happened to me this week. i dont know where to start, read some of the older posts to see the highlights. but i wanted to spend tonight with someone special. someone i guess im not supposed to see; and who is trying to distance themselves from me. lot of reasons why. im not making any judgements about it. first off is i have to appologize then for the past day or so, where ive intrueded on that space. i feel bad for them. i care about them. its really hard to stop. then when i hear about how their week ended; it broke my heart all over again. twice in one week. mine and theirs. it was a judgement call; but i decided to bridge the waters, disregard the separation, and attempted to talk to them. no much response. no judgement to be made. i wasnt expecting much. i wanted them to know that i care about them deeply, and things that effect them still affect me. probably shouldnt work that way. but it does. i know better than to go against what they want; and in all honesty i may have ruined any chances at a future [if there even was one] by doing this. but, in my mind thats one conclusion. in my heart, theres another. and that part of me said i couldnt spend my life thinking about it. i had to do it. i had to do what came natural to me. in light of everything that happened to them; i went with it. i went to help console another human being, to be someone that they can trust without doubt; that allready knows everything about them and thier life, that could only be helpful. so i thought in my heart. it broke rank with my head; but it was my heart that was broken. i hope they understand that. if it were all reversed; deep down inside, i really would want a person to do the same thing for me. i really would want someone that cared deeply about me, that i had a past with, that i can trust with intimacies and my life. thats why. no judgement please. just understand me for what i did.

anyway. break ups are hard to deal with. i knew the local blues guru, Joe Price was supposed to be in town this week. i needed it. i needed that kind of music; the kind that plays the song of your heart; even when its sad. when your heart is broken, the strings sound like they could break. when it flutters, so does the pick hand. when inside, your soul just wants to wail and weep; that voice does it. back to the special-sharing part. to get over heartbreak, i guess you shouldnt spend time with the person that caused it. thats... thats a no brainer. but knowing what they went through. it wasnt about us not getting along; it was about everything in general. i needed something to be sad and to be happy with when it was over. i thought they needed a break, and stepping on that limb [as i comment about in the above paragraph], i bridged that gap of imposed distance to them. this worlds fucked up as it is; why couldnt two people be sad about life together for one night; even if they made each others lives sad? doesnt matter. only invited them. it was a no pressure thing. in fact i didnt even want to hear their straight up answer. i know, its childish of me. it only made me wonder even more, later that night, why they didnt come. only a few reasons to come, thousands not to. and they were busy. but anyway, no judgement. even if they said hell no, becuase it would be weird, they are within their rights. so i went to this place. i got a table for two. and i sat. honestly i didnt expect them to show. after 9 came, 9:30, 10 i knew it. but my heart jumped a little bit everytime the door opened. and it sunk a little more everytime it wasnt them. again.. no judgements to make. just my ownt thoughts. so i sat there. i went to enjoy the music. and to get drunk. something had to make it stop hurting inside. booze wasnt a good choice. its stupid of me to think it would be a fix all. its not. i remember telling someone once that its never good for solving problems, it only postpones them, and adds to them. but i did it. 45 dollar bar tab, by myself. whiskeys. beer. even took a random suggestion from a guy at the bar. i couldnt taste whatever it was he ordered for me. it burnt. all of it did. but the hurting was still there. so they set me up in a booth to watch the band. ate some food. and sat. left out my notes and book, and attempted to do some homework before the band materialized... about an hour late. but thats early for blues.

the music started. just joe. i noticed he had a gibson les paul now. wine red. beautiful. i envied him. thats the guitar i always wanted when i used to play. he started playing about 10 minutes to 10, to a full house, that only got fuller as the night went on. by my estimate, they had at least 60 people crammed into that back area at the start. by the end, i couldnt see the band. but i sat. it started to make a difference. i listend to the words of songs ive heard, that ive never paid much attention to. the thing that hit me most, was how someone playing this music didnt feel the way i did.... i felt crumpled and empty; and the songs played to that.

" just one thing, i dont understand; why i said goodbye; i had a good friend, she called me honey; now i am feelin sad; dreaming of what i once had, and i dont know why, why i said goodbye. i used to go home and sleep in my bed; all o my troubles would leave my head. tears and regrets- forever more; dryin my eyes and walkin the floor. and i dont, know why.... why i said goodbye"

maybe after 10 songs, a solid hour or so of playing, he brings his friends up. thats when it started really. all the music ive never heard. joe called them The Mill Boogie, parts 1, 2, 3, etc. beautiful stuff, just all off the cuff. later it was improvised by 7 different musicians at once. all they needed was someone to throw the pick at them, or give them the nod when to take a few bars. everyone else played accompaniment; even joe. the leader of this group... they called it, The Joe Price Blues Army, at the end of the night. but the music just kept flowing. kinda like joe and rolling rock. the waitstaff was tired of fetching him drinks. he nodded and winked at me once when i sent one over for him. couldnt do much else. after 10 minutes, i knew i should have brought something to record all this. this stuff was too good to forget about, or to be wasted on my head, that was swimming in a pool of liquor. everything felt fresh then--- not welcomed, just fresh. getting hurt all over again; reliving it through the music; remembering events from earlier that day; earlier that week; earlier than that. it all was like it just happened all over again. that my heart was thrown out on that dance floor. only 1 person was out there then, stomping and shuffling away, watching it go to pieces. so the music kept playing. i kept listening. april, my waitress, started sending me water. it was only 10:30 i guess. but she saw me come in the door, id been drinking since 7:30.

" in the middle of the night; oh what a mess; pull your blanket up tight; and put your arms around me. you were standin in your kitchen, tears rolling down your face, i began to comfort you; no one can take your place"

i just kept sitting there. id scratch away on my legal pad from time to time... this is where most of the lyrics are being transcribed from... accuracy isnt too important, Joe would agree. its about the feeling. i noticed that even he changes the words in his songs. i just wrote them down as i heard them. i tried to sing along when he hit my favorites. my voice cracked. i couldnt. i could tell how horribly out of tune i was. i never could sing worth a shit. the guy at the next table just smiled at me, clapped me on the shoulder, and started singing worse than i was. it felt a little better. but it wasnt the singing that broke my voice. it was everything. started thinking about it all. how useless i felt. how much i wanted to keep things the way they were for months; only recently did they change. how i thought back in mylife, when everything was fucked up. when nothing seemed right. when i had a couple people i could depend on to get me through it. i knew i was right for what ive done. i knew, that even if they didnt like it; they did. i needed another beer. i was trying to make sense out of everything that didnt make sense; i was trying to give answers for the one person that wouldnt give me any. i hated it. i hated myself. i hated that i could matter to someone anymore. i hated how everything was true and genuine in my mind, in my words and in my heart. i never use that phrase. just lately. i never believed much in the heart. never cared much for it. fortitude of the soul; that was my game. strong gut reaction. having strength and respect and something non-material to fall back on when you needed it. some form of non-planer resolve. heart, how fickle? Axl says it best, 'we both know hearts can change,' ironically he was speaking about hearts mending and comming back together, not going apart. thats what i wanted. i wanted them to come back. i wanted them to breakdown; to realize that i cared about them... i didnt have to. i didnt have any motives; no reasons to get with them; never harmed them; never was mean or cruel to them on purpose; appologized if it appeared so. i wanted them to stop and notice how much i care. and then everything to be allright. to have someone that i cared for, back in mylife, knowing that i cared for them. not just when it was easy; but when it was hard to. when my life was changing around me; i favored theirs. i wanted them to be back so i could feel vindicated and wanted again. but no one wants that from me.

the music played on, and i thought on. nobody wants me. if they did, they would never leave. never were anyreasons for them to go. only reasons to stay. to have someone unconditionally care for you; to hug you when its hard, to kiss you when its easy, and to stay with you when you are alone; god arent those the best reasons? arent those the only reasons to want someone? dont we all want a person like that? and here i was doing that. i was taking my share of shit sometimes [no judgement please] for things that werent my fault; and i took it everytime. never yelled back, never hit them, never told them to fuck off, never used them for sex, never for posterity, never for money, never for anything that they know has hurt them in the past. i wanted them because i felt, and maybe i do still feel so damn attracted to them. things that hurt them, hurt me. watching them go through these things hurts me, stays on my mind. i cant say thats all. ofcourse i was attracted to the most beautiful girl id ever met. i was attracted to that smile, her laugh, her touch. never went after it. she came to me. i guess i came to her. it felt so right. it still does. someone like that i cant stay mad at; i cant hate -- despite what im told from people; i still care about her. i hope she cares about me. i hope nothing she said was a lie. i hope she believed in the words she told me, like i believed in what i told her. thats why i drank. i drank with myself, i drank with my books, i drank with the bartender, with a stranger, and with the owner. Keith, its a great place you had for 40 years, im sad to see her go in 6 weeks. but whatever the hell that bourbon was you gave me was good.

i tried to tell him about it, and about her. he sat and listened. in retrospect, thats funny. in 40 years i wonder how many times hes had to hear stuff like that before. i wonder how many times he gets some special bottle out to pour a drink for some person, free of charge, and how much money hes lost on it all those years. 40. but he didnt laugh at me. he nodded, didnt say much. told me to have a drink. and so i did. he also talked me into food later. the chili and fries are great. had to soak up that booze with something.. and i was getting hungry. i had to fill that space in me with something.

so i still sat there, on a worn, hardwood bench, in a booth, meant for more than 1, all by myself. i listened to music, i had drank, and i wrote feverishly. i listend to the sad music of life; and i did it alone. the crowd got larger as they played. nearly doubled by midnight. i couldnt see the bar in the back, it was standing room only. dirty looks from people, taking up a whole booth to myself. but no judgement to be made. the music started to change, bit by bit. happier, bouncier songs. new musicians took the stage with him. first it was vicki on guitar and vocals, then rico on bass. later dusty on a dobro, plus this 60 year old george clinton look-alike with maraccas and sticks to be makeshif percussion. then a guy they introduced as mikey, i think, on accordian. then the brough up a chair infront of the stage, keith came out. plays harmonica i guess. had a steel case full. all in different keys. the stage was out of room; some sat on the wall, some on the ground; or on amps... no more room to plug in amps either. out of spots on the mixer board, so they just cranked the amp they plugged into a wall. and they played on.

the music kept getting livlier. kept growing. getting louder. soon there wasnt one person dancing, there were 20. on a dance floor not much bigger than a dormroom. then more. people kept hopping in to it. joe even stood up and started jigging as he played. they broke into some stuff from Designated Driver. i cheered up at the title track. slamming my hand in the table and stomping my feet along with them.. then i started in singing again. i didnt care. all night i had felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. just one more thing would have made them fall.

"im your designated driver; im gunna drive you everywhere. im that designated driver, gunna drive you anywhere. drink up your liquor, let down your hair. no the judge dont like refer, cops dont like gin; no that judge dont like refer, and the cops dont like gin; im your designated driver, let me help you in. well its my time baby; and i want some too. yeah its my time baby, i want mine too. im the designated driver, cant drink no booze."

i wanted those tears to fall. just like how i wanted hers to fall when we talked last week. i could see them in the corners of her eyes. i could see her face sag at points. but even when i told her to stop acting like this and let it go; she wouldnt. i wanted her to cry like i was crying. i wanted to see that she felt like just like i did. that it matters to me. that it hurts. that i didnt want this. that i wanted her. that she wanted me. but the tears wouldnt come for her. she stopped them. but no judgement to make. lots of reasons for that i suppose. not for mine. only 1 reason. only the one reason why i cried to her then. because i care about her; and i fell in love with her. but tonight those tears stayed in my eyes. it was hard. i thought it would have happened at a couple points. but it didnt. i wanted it too. but the band kept playing.

soon those songs, of sad lines, but happy melodies, kept getting brighter. that Gibson helps. all the tones are so bright off it. but not as much as those hitting the chords. i was bobbing along and forgetting what i as doing soon. about the time i had trouble seeing the band. the dance floor infront of me was so packed, you couldnt see them anymore, unless they stood. only rico the bass player stood. joe did from time to time. it was hard to pick out that person from the crowd; it was hard to see their head above everyone elses. the room was dark, and smokey. lights were around, and i wasnt feeling right. but it was so hard to pick her. just as hard as it was to find the band in that sea of muted color.

i looked at my watch... by then it was after 1am. id lost track of that many hours. i never stopped thinking, never stopped being me. but i tried. some more songs kicked up, faster tempo. Suitcase Boogie. love that song. i tried to remember where i was at. then someone grabbed me. some girl from the dance floor came over and pulled me up. im a terrible dancer. worse than i sing, if you believe that. she wasnt bad. dancing that is. she just smiled and laughed at me. she just kept laughing and we kept going. kept bumping into people, but no one cared. everyone was happy. everyone was moving. really the only way to move was if the whole crowd did. then they hit the end of the song. i turned to face her, and she looked up at me, and asked me what i was doing by myself. i told her, i was waiting on a friend, that was supposed to show up. she smiled at me, then laughed. she pinched my ear, and said--- "go back and wait for her." her friends pulled her off the floor and were going for the door, she waived, and like that she was gone. and i was standing by myself. they kicked into Chicago Northwestern Line; and i found my seat. singing along.

"2 miles ahead, 3 miles back. miles and miles of this railroad track. we are workin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. look at sally, look at jack. poundin spikes in that line of track; and we are working down Chicago's Northwestern Line. walkin knees, with the wind at our back, up and down this railroad track. C&W is right on time, rolling by at a half-past nine. big wheels here, big wheels there, they dont worry and they dont care. they are rollin down Chicago's Northwestern Line. "

i didnt get it. i still dont. how did she know i was waiting for a girl? how did she know i was by myself? why did she tell me to go wait for her? it hurt my head. i tried to drown it in ice-water; thats all April would bring me, (but she smiled about it) and a plate of fries... lathered in ketchup and salt. i still dont understand it. it hurts my head, even the day after, to think much about it. time. thats something she said. "time will tell" to me, at that time, it felt more like a way to brush me off. and maybe it was. i dont know. maybe it wasnt. i shouldnt think about it. i shouldnt pester her. but i had to do one more thing. i felt it when i sat there, i had one more thing i wanted to do for her. -=-=-=-=- it has nothing to do with you not comming out, not talking to me, not about breaking up, not about being busy, not about anything... youll see. i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to show you i care. i didnt have an address for you back home, or id have waited a month or so and randomly sent it then. but youll get it monday. you can call me if you want more explanation. but really, i want to give you the time you want. i just couldnt do this with that time, and its something i always wanted to do for you. its something you can take home. its something to let you know im not lying when i say i love you. 4 months, on the day you leave, isnt something to throw away. i think theres alot more. but i believe in you, and i care about you. i wish youd let me in. but ill give you your time now. -=-=-=-=-

i kept thinking about it as the night slid by. just before 2am, they announced they had to stop; only 1 more song. no one was happy. they said the police were going to come shut them down if they didnt, so they said theyd do a fun one for us all. from the first little dity off Joes fingers, played honest and faithful to the tune; we all knew it. people hugged, people cheered. some kissed. Keith yelled into a microphone that "I SEE KISSING ON THE DANCEFLOOR!" and he laughed shaking a finger at them. they played You Are My Sunshine. 7 people. started with a faithful, one string melody. pause. then into a twangy, chord bending, delta house blues version on guitar. then joined by the dobro, and the box for background. the bass started hitting, maracas and dreds started flying. and the harmonicas went on. it was in full swing then. the whole place got up. everyone but me. everyone sang.. even i did.

"sunshine, you are my sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. youll never know dear, how much i love you; please dont take my sunshine away"

they played it for 15 minutes. no one got tired. everyone had a trial or three with the melody; everyone sang everytime we hit a chorus break. the place was crazy. never seen that many people that happy; not from booze, from drugs, but from music and memories. to be happy to be around everyone else that was so happy; everyone happy from their own reasons; happy together, happy because of each other. happy to have some Sunshine in their life. i agreed. thats what sold me on what i had to do. everyone being happy. everyone having something to be happy about. somewhere out there someone wasnt happy. i want her to be happy; i want her to know she makes me happy. she'll know monday. she'll know someday.

but i wrote it down.
so then i though to myself, all how much fun it must be. to be one of them. they danced, together, all strangers, all people. they were together, and they were happy. to be one of them, would mean that i could never remain who i am-- as they all danced so merrily. friends. couples. lovers. -- the sobers and the drunks; the dancers with the wallflowers; tatoo's and straigh edge; old and young; the musicains and all these admiorers. -- all the feet tap and move, all them move this way. for all of them, this was life. this was living today. how i envied them all, for one night to forget it all; everything i brought with me, they abandoned. some are rejects adn some are stallwarts; but all of them have found security wrapped into the wall of muted colors. the excitement brought out only attracted more of them; this is one of the final nights they can forget it all. even if i couldnt. i scratch away on my pad, and they reach me. they had me dance with them; they had me share; and be merry. and if but for this last time; when they all danced on; they still will; they dance on now, in the back room at the mill.

[ ill put some of those songs up, album versions, in my AIM get file ]

[ PART 1 of a 2 PART SERIES]

question of the night... am i to be im-pressed, or de-pressed? [keep it in mind]

when walking home at 2am [ill get to that later], i hear giggling, girls giggling. drunk girl giggling. but its 2am, and im sure they are all out now. so walking to the blind corner of the Lindquist building; i look to my immediate right. low and behold. a young blonde lady [a true blonde, i noticed], wearing clothes far too small for her, is squatting with her pants and panties around her ankels, urinating. in full view of the public. back to the wall, business end facing the busy street. her hed and back are rested against the wall as shes going, she sees me, then reaches and half fondles my leg, before i could dodge her. i stop and look at her. shes a mess. so enebriated, she cant look up at me and keep staring at one fixed point with her head. still peeing all over herself, on her hands and onto her pants and underwear around her ankles. after the reach, she tries to stand, pushing her back and shoulders against the wall, thrusting her pelvis out at me, still peeing down herself. she takes both hands and sticks them in a certain place, and moans several times, rolling her head against the wall. she says something like [it was tough to understand her, and i was in shock] .. "oooohh... i want you, come home with me. " and is still peeing on herself, albeit a trickle now.

question is people; am i im-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive; or am i de-pressed, that a woman [although grossly enebriated] finds me sexually attractive, while pissing herself, at 2 am on a public street ?

lemme know.. IM me it or email me.

salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu ALVACADO5 on aol inst mes.

[part 2 is comming tomorrow]

EDITED

with out a doubt; yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. i cant remember a day where everything hurt so bad. ive had bad days, bad times; terrible weeks; none of it compared to yesterday. yesterday everything eventually hit the fan with the one person ive cared about in 4 years. i wanted so desparately for things to work out; i really, really cared about this person. i spent my time thinking about her, and did my best everything that i could to make life better for her. she had a bad day; i went out of my way to try to cheer her up; something was going wrong; i did what ever i could to help make things right. somewhere along the way i lost my heart to her. so it hearts to have my heart yanked out back and forth all day before we finally finish it off. and i feel like crap by the end of the day. i wanted to salvage something with her. she really is too special of a person to let go; and like i told her, with tears in my eyes, even if we couldnt have a relationship right now [because she said we couldnt have one] i still wanted to be a part of her life; and i want her to be a part of mine. i got a fairly cold stare for it. i dont know why. everything i ever said to her i meant; how beautiful she was, how special she was, how much i really enjoyed her; and that i loved her. all of it. i have to think that everything she ever told me was also true; how i was the best person that ever happened to her, how she truely loved me, how i broke down every barrier she put up to keep people away. and it ends up with me being blocked and such. typical way to ward scott off. everyone does it. everyone also tells me i shouldnt be sad at all. everyone tells me i should be happy to be done with her, that all she ever did was treat me bad, and hurt me. thats not true. for once and all, i wish i could tell everyone that she really is a great person. i dont wish any harm to her, she was awesome at times. she totally complimented everything there was about me; she was just dropped into my life; and i really thanked God for every second with her. and i miss her now. but when didnt i? ive always missed a person like her in my life. ive always wanted someone who could be there for me like she used to be. but i truely missed her. someone that would smile like she would; that was content to sit and hold my hand. who was excited to be with me, and excited me to see. the last few weeks i dont count. i dont think about the fighting or whatever else went wrong; i think of everything that was right about her and about us. thats why i miss her. thats probably why it hurts. i feel like that, those memories, those times, the idea of making it work; were all the things ripped out of my heart yesterday. and really for no reason. i guess things are going wrong in her life. i wanted to be there for her, i wanted to help in whatever way i could, and i dont know what. then i found out about this other guy. this other guy that now is replacing me in her mind; and surely all the things ive done for her will disappear, and that hurts me the most. that im just someone to throw aside; that my heart and my emotions were nothing of consideration; just something idle going on. background noise. things to move on through. i feel like shit. i hurt inside. my heart actually aches. i couldnt move yesterday. i spent 2 hours on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, crying. i was just thinking about her, and it just came to me. and i couldnt stop. yesterday just wouldnt end. when we had the items trade, i tried to talk to her. she didnt want to hear anything from me; didnt want to care. i did. i lost it again, and cried in front of her. second time ive ever done that to a female. both times were with her. i felt bad for myself, and for loosing out on her. all i wanted was to tell her i want her to stay in my life. ive never felt so strongly about someone before, totally through and through. lots of nights we sit together and about about everything. and i want her back. i want that person that wanted to be part of my life; that i let in. i want that person who did let me in her life; but wanted me back out. there never were problems with us, it was always something else. so i felt bad for her. she will be going through all this alone, i thought, with no one there to help. i wish that shed unblock me, i wish that we could talk. i wish i could go back to hugging her and wiping away her tears. even if not, i wish she could get over everything; its taken me all day, but im getting there; and see me for what i really wanted. i wanted her, no doubt, but i want to make her complete. i never wanted to hurt her; i never wanted to yell; i think the only time i raised my voice was that one weekend when when It happened. and it wasnt that i was mean to her; i just had to get through. that was the very day i realized how much i wanted you. i wanted to keep you free from harm, to hold and comfort you. to kiss you and make you happy; just like we used to. but nothing worked out the way i wanted, and its pretty easy to tell. shes not a whore, so if you think that please do not. shes not necessarily a liar; just some times the truth just cant come up on the first try for reasons she wont say. i understood her so well; shes not a bad person; i wish i was with her still; all that i regret from her, is how she made me feel all day. i felt that strongly about someone, and cared that much, and all it did was hurt. all the sides of her, that no one else ever saw; the things that i love about her, the things that i will miss; are all the things i cant describe... little looks, thoughts, that first kiss. i wish we could work things out. i wish she would see the future i see with her. i hope that soon she calls. i miss her in my life, and i worry about her most of all. i wish shed realize everything i did for her, and not be angry or embarrased. i did them out of love, respect, and compassion. i hope you read the letter i wrote to you, because you meant that much to me. i hope you dont laugh or get angry about it; its everything i kept in side that i wanted to work with you on. the little things, like that present; was not meant to get her back; only to make her happy, to give resolve to her panic. i bought that for her a couple weeks ago, its sat in my closet, i didnt know what else to do. i wanted to give it to her on the last time that we met, so thats had something to take home with her, something more than just a picture of us. when she would be all alone; i gave her something to watch; when she would feel by herself, i wanted her to think of me. not that i was angry, mad or uneventfully, just that i see her now and then, special, beautiful and happily. but it was the longest day of my life, with just an hours sleep; where she never left my mind; and only her i wanted to see. but nothing works out right for me, nothing ever will. all my hopes my dreams my struggles, still will go uncarred for.

God why did you send this angel, just to have her go away? why bother to fuck with me; and move around a map; make me dance in cirlces, just to prove i can? why make me love someone that would leave me like she did? why give me the pain of separation, after all i had to give? why is it now im lonely, and cant sit in with people? why cant you give me something permanent? a girl you wont take away? one that wants to be with me, and never, ever go astray? why did i invest all my time and heart, for someone that wants out? why cant she see me for who i am for her, instead she goes out. Lord you answered my prayers once before, when i called to you and said how lonely that i was... that i needed someone in my life, 4 years had been too long. then from nowhere she comes to my life; and brings me all this joy, awakens up a loving spirit, makes me proud to be a boy. proud to be a young man, that wore his heart upon his sleeve, proud to cry to the girl he loved without berevity. i wait for some kind of answer Lord, though one will never come; give me a girl that i can love, that wants to love me more. why is it these things always hurt me? why must i be the one? can it Lord, for once be only fun. i tried to hold up each of your rules; i said no to sex and booze; i supported her as she were my own lord, and never wasnt i true? can no one see my pain or grief God, but let it come to me; for each day that she was with me; i still thank Thee who resides above. Lord just grant me this; and please give some followthrough; give me someone that will want me; make it all come true. project my dreams, and kill my lonleiness, return to me Lord, a fair angelic face to caress. i never wished to use her Lord, or let any one do that; i spent my time my heart entrusted to make her free from crap. I watched her be happy; and i wanted to ensure it; i fought with her Oh Lord, to make it all revisit; to make it through the layers of barbs, she put around her heart; to have her watch me bleeding, then to realize my start. that hurting myself in the short gain; only would bring us closer in the long game. i wanted in Lord, and i let her in; she could quite see how; that someone should be willing to; deal with out her now. with no reason to love her; i still surely do; i make my heart open, although i may be blue. sad and angry Lord, alone i am again; without my girl, you gave me, i only wonder when. soon i hope, not more years, where one will come to me; to stay with me forever and see the things i wish to be. I wished shed come and smile more; and see what i had meant for; Lord give my heart to someone, and let her know just what i've done. let her know that ill love her true; dont let me rot to death; old age comes quickly Lord, let me enjoy life with her embrace. someone i can share my life with; just like i did with her; all those late night rendezous, all the hours i spend with you. id never ask for any of it back; they meant too much to you and me; its something now you can keep with you, to remind you where ill be. always waiting for your return; waiting for that which to learn. Lord i wish you'd make amends, and fix things like i tried; and make just this one more girl; see it, me, in her eyes. that though i maybe be ugly, wretched, cruel and foul; Lord i do my best to provide for her; even with my heart upon the ground. she made me cry, tears still come; shes perfect Lord, so then who is the one? the one that can not be for me, Lord i ask thee, grant for me. just one wish, one idle prayer, the thing i always ask at night; petty and shallow it may be, but a girl that will love me right. one, lord that im not affraid to introduce, just like this one Lord, but without the noose. it hung around my neck, and the gallows were built slow; Lord you made me hang myself; with love, feeling, amor.

you all want to read the internet, read this

I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.

i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.

then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.

.

"YEAH, WELL CHARLIE DON'T SURF!" [actually from the night before; Blogger wouldnt post]

Current Musical Selection: Rob Zombie - House of 1000 Corpses.

Movies man. Movies. had to listen to this song, its Rob's opus for his new movie, which opened this past weekend; ive been counting down its release for a year and a half, from its movement back and forth to different release companies, to script changes, to the trailer release, to the date bump back; to now its release. damn you nick for getting to see it; i wish i could have. its supposed to be the damdest gorefest horror movie to hit the screen in a long while... much along the lines of Night Of The Living Dead, etc; it was his goal to recreate the movies he enjoyed as a kid, coupled with his lust for the dead and rotting. and im missing it. its a movie i wanted to take someone with; i dont even bother asking at this point. ill sit through it by myself i suppose. cant trust people for anything anymore. ---- thats right Rob;


movies tho. lately its been about movies. im re-watching Apocalypse Now Redux for about the 30th time; for a class screening. im amazed every time i sit through it. its one of those few movies in the last... 40 years maybe,... that you really should treat yourself to. the story is disturbing, the plot is thick and metaphoric, yet straightforward; the visuals are astounding for something thats over 20 years old; and you cant be the acting... Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishbourne, Robert Duvall, not to mention Martin Sheen and T H E Marlon Brando. really is a great movie. i got excited waiting for it to start. got the same chills when Duvall lets his line rip;

Kilgore: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... [cant finish line, walks away disgruntled]

i was going right along with it, especially when the phrase: "BUT CHARLIE DON'T SURF" came up. god i love it. film makers should quit now. no war movies can capture the surreal qualities of combat and the mystique of the human animal like Francis Ford did with this one; sure they can improve the surroundings of war; yes they can come up with more and more compelling story lines, and ofcourse the special effects are only going to improve; but this movie tops my list; all time. its one of the greats.

MY NIGHT...

well i didnt get to eat; but i could have saved a kids life tonight. fair trade? dunno. im pretty hungry right now. bout 11:40 i was in the quad itc; when i heard a thump, and a girl scream; i turned around and saw the itc monitor on the ground shaking, and the girl hysterical with her hands on her mouth. i ran over to that side of the room in enough time to see him spit out a mouthful of saliva, as he gyrated on the floor. he was having a seizure. a pretty violent one. by then another male had come over and got on the floor next to him. the kids name was gailen, or something like that; it was hard to understand the girl as she started shrieking hysterically again for help, and Oh My God's intermingled. i knelt down, he was choking and spat stuff out again, shaking harder. the other male, whose name i never learned, held down the kids arms to keep them from flailing into the metal desk anymore. i asked her if he had a history of seizures. she didnt look at me. i grabbed her shoulder and asked again, she looked at me, tears on her face and said no. i jumped the monitors desk and called 911. it took awhile for them to pick up. seemed like a half hour, probably was less than a minute. time moves slow when people are screaming and uncontrollably shaking. finally.. Johnson County 911 Service. "yes, im located in quadrangle residence hall, u of iowa campus, west side of the river; i have a 150 pound caucasian male, approximately 20 years of age, undergoing violent seizures. subject has no known history of seizures." --- where is he? "hes on the ground now... half on his stomach and half on his side" ok sir. SIR? are you still there "yeah" (i got taken in by watching it all and forgot to talk) is he breathing? "im not sure, im too far away--- guys i need to know if hes breathing" the girl starts shaking with hysteria and cries, even the operator hears it; Sir keep everyone calm; is he breathing? "no ma'am, hes turning blue and getting cold... he wont relax his throat or stop slamming his head" has he vommitted? "not vomit, just spit so far" do you know cpr, you may have to administer breaths-- "yes i do, but id have to put the phone down to do it" the other guy yells, I KNOW CPR TOO. the operator hears it "ma'am well be ok, we can do cpr, weve got people that can" is he breathing now? "is he breathing guys?" kids spits up again. yes, hes breathing now. youll need to get him on his side now, the operator says, to keep him from choking incase he vommits. "guys get him on his side" girl doesnt respond. FLIP HIM THE FUCK ON HIS SIDE. the other guy grabs him by his arms and rolls him over. then two RA's come in... someone must have yelled for help, i never heard it. they look at me first, then down at him, then back at me. the operator dispatches ambulance and iowa city pd. is he still breathing now sir? "yeah, his colors coming back.. we cant get a pulse, we cant keep him still." thats ok sir, keep him on his side, paramedics will be there shortly, stay on the line with me sir. then the hall coordinator comes in, followed by dps guards. "ma'am weve got dps here now" they stand off to the side, and dont say much. one grabs his radio and starts talking. the kid isnt as blue as he was. still looks bad. sir, youll need to stay on the line with me, how is the subject? "hes pale, still seizing, but hes slowing down" the kid has almost stopped shaking.. its intermittent now. i start to hear a faint ambulence siren. he starts moaning. "ma'am hes starting to come back to" a dps police officer comes in, with gloves on and drops to the floor wiht the kid, holding his head, brushing the spit from his mouth, taking great care to stradle him far enough to avoid the kid snaping his own neck between the officers knees. the sirens are loud now. the RA's stand around. sir, youll need to send someone out side to direct the ambulence where to go.. "ok, dps is here, but we can do that; GINA GET OUT FRONT AND FLAG DOWN THE AMBULENCE; ma'am im sending a women with dark hair, glasses and a blue shirt out side for the ambulence; were at the far east end of the building" ok sir, how is he doing now? "hes looking better, hes coming out of it" the kids rolling his eyes around... still dillated pupils. hes asking things, but trails off. the hall coordinator looks at me again. so does the other RA. (why the hell am i here? why am i the one doing this, why cant they?) the paramedics come in. the kid is on his back now, trying to talk. the girl has stopped screaming now, shes just crying and holding his hand. talking to him. i cant see him anymore, all i see is her butt and underwear hanging out of her pants. bright blue. "ma'am the paramedics are here" ok sir, you can hang up now.. "thank you" sir stay with him to tell the paramedics, you did a good thing tonight. click. i didnt stick around much longer. i grabbed kevin the hall coordinator, and asked him if i could go; he said ok. i picked up my stuff as they were tending to the kid. big crowd of people wearing blues and blacks. it smelled like rubber in the room, and a nasty breath smell. probably from the spit. i tried my best not to start shaking. my hands did trying to button my coat. i tried thinking why the hell i didnt hop up immediately when i heard a thump. ive heard that before. its a head hitting something. its hollow, but its solid. its like a dropping a pumpkin on the sidewalk, but louder. it echos. theres no splat. but its something like that.. or it isnt i dont care. i cant button my fucking coat. i try the zipper instead. its not much better. i hear the radios crackling. the kids talking now, answering questions. he cant tho. doesnt know where hes at. doesnt know his name. or who everyone is. the girl starts sobbing. its not a bad sob. somehow that sounds different from a bad sob, but it wasnt. i tried to walk past without attention. i stopped by kevin again, and told him i was willing to write an incident report. my watch said 11:44pm. he didnt look at me. he grabbed my shoulder, its ok, the RA's and i will take care of it... thanks man. thanks for being here. "yeah, no problem" no one looks at me when i leave. no one notices that i left i figure. i go out the door into the raining darkness, broken by sirens.. reds and blues temporarily blind me. the dps guard holding the door pushes me out of the way so they can move the backer board in. i just walk away. my hands are shaking in my pockets.

although i detest those that do nothing but post lyrics to convey thought; it is too fitting to let slide past this time...

Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow - Kill The King

Danger, danger the Queen's about to kill || There's a stranger, stranger and life about to spill || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King || Tear him down

Chorus: Kill the King || Strike him down

Power, power it happens every day || Power, devour all along the way || Oh no move me out of harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the wind || I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on || Kill the King

Treason, treason, the spectre looms again || Treason, reason, the realm is safe and then || Oh no move away from harm || I need a spell and a charm || Fly like the rainbow ||
I'm no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on ||

Chorus: Kill the King || Tear him down || Kill the King || Got to take his crown

Kill the King || He'll rule no more || Strike him dead || The people roar || Kill the King || Take his head || Down, down, down, down || Oh, kill, oh, kill, oh, oh

-----
REX EST MOREM. EXPELULIERUNT AB LOCO HOC EIUS CORPIS ET NUNC IN BUSTUM EUM SALTANT. REX EST NUNC VERE MOREM.

So just like that its over i suppose. the king was finnally overrun, the vandals have sacralized his home, and they roll the body off the thrown. let his blood be water in which they wash their feet, for now the king is dead. killed by those that feared him most, yet desired all that he had accomplished. there was no revenge, no anger as motive; just desire. longing for the possessions aquired by a lifetime of service; but wanted overnight. now they dance and desecrate his halls. they loot and pillage, parade around in his wears, and wallow in what was his opulence; reducing its memory to degernerate filth. his measure of the rule of law has been shattered, and replaced with their crooked spite and waivering forms of truth and intruth. chasing away all lasting remnants of his kingdom, they have forced his family and advisors into exile; but not in shame! no, they know the true ways in which this king served his people, and they left in respect to him and his honor; no longer wishing to watch what will become of thier work. the work of pride, now becomes the kingdom of shame. the king is dead. for they have killed him. one day he may rise again, to take back his land, to liberate his people, and again restore the glory of the kingship. but now he is truely dead, long live the king in our memory.

EN EGO CAMPANA NUMQUAM DE NUNTIO VANA

PURELY BUSINESS

this entry is purely business... tonight i had to sit through the illustrious pannel of 'experts' as assemebled by the Res Life Programming Office; about the 21 ordinance in Iowa City. well proposed ordinance. well the proposed 19 ordinance. well the throw-together proposed 19 ordinance. well, really its the throw-together proposed 19 amendment to the 21 ordinance. yeah... its all that pushed by 4 members of the city council seeking re-election next fall. anywho. with this expert pannel, of which i was a member? sat these other 4 members of expertise on the issue. a bar owner, the mayor, the head of stepping up, and the uisg vp. so thats three experts; one bar owner. really that makes it 2 experts, one immature, loudmouthed student, and one bar owner. and myself. actually.. its 1 expert, myself, the immature loud-mouthed student, the bar owner; and a career politician who "came here for school and never left 40 years ago" im still not quite sure how i figure into all of this. but im sitting there. and we start off as a pannel really, each explaining things, keeping cool... minus the bar owner and the stepping up director. uisg blew off the event till it was half over. didnt bother to show till we were almost done with our gentlemanly discusison. she then claimed her chair, and did nothing but insult and make rediculous comments, totally out of the scope of the event. the bar owner was even unhappy with her. the mayor and i corrected her on every instance of state and municipal ordinance; and stepping up made the correct arguments against her elementary points. but the bar owner argued why it was unfair to be targeted, the stepping up man argued why it was fair to target him. the uisg rep argued that it wasnt fair for students. the mayor complained how this was the state of iowa's fault. and i sat on the edge. i answered the questions as addressed to me. i slammed home my points as necessary. and i kept quiet. it went something like this: the 4 experts argued amongst themselves, while i was the only one giving intelligible answers to people. uisg kept wanting to make this some sort of extrapolatory issue about championing for underager rights; stepping up threw out statistics upon statistics; the bar owner complained about it being unfair; and the mayor did his part to distance himself from the blame. getting the picture? i think all 10 in the audience did as well.... lets see it was 3 hall coordinators, the AD for Res Life, susan, the wife of the bar owner, the kid running the video camera, traci from USA Today Chicago, and about 4 RA's. stellar turnout. nevermind the issue at hand for discussion was 'decided' upon tuesday night.. making the point of all this pretty point-less. so the bar owner complained about the need to attack Hy-Vee; uisg wants to represent the students [even against their wishes], stepping up had more statistics about it all; and the mayor zoned out after giving anecdotes about paving streets. i sat on the far right of the stage. i took notes. then stopped. then played with my pen. i wanted to go home. the experts droned on about calling in the firedepartment to check on things like person capacity; the mayor explained how to; stepping up had a fact; the bar owner said we should do it to Hy-Vee. i sat on the edge of the stage, and waived to tracy. they asked me a question. i gave a well planned, 10 minute answer.. even Ross Perot'ed them with some charts and numbers. then they went back to talking about wristbands. i drank some water. they argued with stepping up. then they argued with the mayor. then they argued with the bar owner. always arguing against uisg. except the mayor. he went out of his way not to offend anyone. uisg tried. every thing said was 'a really good idea,' or 'i think youre really right, but' . i yawned. this was getting old pretty fast. i thought about reaching for my cd player. kieran scolded me. mike beck... moderator. even looked at a loss for a while. you cant moderate a verbal street fight. it would be like painting a car you drive off a gorge. let nature take its course, and well find ourselves on the ground eventually. so he did. i drank more water i think. by now my ears were getting dry listening to the experts. 1 RA leaves. the experts talk about the 19 ordinance as a sham to move to the 21 ordiance when it fails. uisg calls it a conspiracy; stepping up has a fact about towns moving in progression like that; the bar owner wants to know why we cant make Hy-Vee 19 and up.. the mayor mentioned something how this would all be alot easier if the state would just take care of it. i introduced another piece of evidence; i even brought copies.-- that no one took-- about similar civil ordinances; including the one from my hometown... a town with 4 colleges and universities, more than double the population... 5 times it if you count the urban area; and it has the same 21 ordinance language... and not 4000 posession tickets per year like iowa city. stepping up had some factoids. the bar owner wants to know whats wrong with us not going after Hy-Vee... uisg wants to make it obviously clear this drinking problem is a problem all over the state and world... contrary to what i introduced... and the mayor mentioned something about fishing in rivers not in mudholes. then uisg went to its plant in the audience... the newly head shaving uisg president... mr. "no more 21" - nate green. then it became a problem [through his questions] of the language of the ordiance... green's suggestion was obviously better. uisg rep said so. the mayor agreed. stepping up had a fact about georgia and oregon ordinances. bar owner suggested we were scared to go after Hy-Vee. i watched the moderator. he sat down. then i played with my notes; looking interested while the experts continued on. i think i talked 5 times all night. i was indeed inadept at useless anecdotes, like the mayor, to attack state government... and out of touch wiht the true calling of students to rise up against the man and his regieme of 21 only, like uisg. and my fact book was too small to suit stepping up. the bar owner was right to call me a chicken to take on Hy-Vee... i rather like their choice of deli meat.. herb roasted sliced beef sounded good. with melted pepper jack cheese. i finished my water by the time the experts considered the students finnally. then they let me talk. i think the moderator forgot i was there. im certain my microphone had been shut off to save batteries at that point. i talked at length about the safety efforts, and need of attractions to combat and draw away students from the alcohol... its the comradery and peer support the bar-ho'ing they are after... booze is a plus to them. the experts disagreed. they had facts and funny faces. angry words and resentment for grocery stores. and i sat on the end. i suppose i could write some more.. but you get the picture, right? its the students cant be wrong or to blame... since we are targeting them [yeah no shit], the bars think its unfair we target them and not Hy-Vee for selling beer [but Hy-Vee doesnt earn 4000 posession tickets per year], the city mayor wants the state to get this all taken care of so he can go back to fishing. stepping up like using facts. no one listened. it wasnt about listening or changing anyones opinon.. uisg girl went as far to categorize it like abortion. the mayor did mention he wouldnt touch that. stepping up had no facts for that one. the bar owner was making a "BURN DOWN HY-VEE" banner and wasnt available for comment. that was my night in the 5 man circus. how was yours?

nope. no entry. maybe some time ill post what i wanted to. but for now its only important that i had one of the worst days i can remember yesterday; but its better to remember the important things in life; like burning the people we care about, dredging up hostilities where ever they can occur, running away from problems, and finding fault with those who try to find us faultless. its important to remember that this is all just a game. im not real. you all are. someday, when you leave this place, or have me left; you'll forget about me like i never happened, like nothing ever happened, and you will all just be happier for it.

nothing is worse then when youre tired, but cant fall asleep. i was stupid.. i should have held it... i was almost asleep, then i had to make that last pitstop for the night. now here i am, an hour later; tired, weary, and talking to sean, because i cant sleep. sleep isnt necessary i guess. im sick again, by the way. should have figured, i was thirsty the other day, and stopped to drink at a public water fountain. shouldnt do that. EVERYTIME i do that, i get about 5 days [at most] and ive got a sore throat and a cough. sometimes a head ache. but generally sick feeling. the body is tired and sick. but the mind is active. ive also found thats the reason i can generally never fall asleep. its that my mind is moving too fast, or is too active to let me. tonight too.

i wanted to go to bed early, but spent too long doing homework thats appearantly not even due tomorrow.... instead of doing homework that IS due tomorrow. so im fretting about that. i tried going back to it, but i just cant do latin when my eyes hurt. it makes my brain hurt. so then i tried to lay there and do nothing. that dont work. my mind drifts from thing to thing, but eventually keeps landing back on one thing in particular. its only been a couple days, but i miss her. its terrible to admit that out loud. that you miss someone after a couple days. besides, how can i miss anyone that lives 200 yards from me? yeah, then i found myself thinking about that. thinking about what distance is; and how we preceive it to be. i can sit next to someone and feel miles apart from them; and i can be miles apart from someone and feel inches away. its about where you get put in their life i guess. distance makes that little of a difference; its the emotional odometer that accounts for the real mileage. its about knowing where you rank, and why you do it all, that ends up mattering the most in where you stand in relation to someone. again, physical distance isnt a good indicator. emotional distance, like an odometer, can be fixed. you can set it and fuck with it-- you can lie about the actual miles; you can delude yourself about how far you really have come with someone. then you run into problems about comming back in. cant ever tell how far off the map youve run, when you have no idea how long youve traveld. but thats where They have to come in. thats where you need that other person... to judge the distance for you, to reassure you where your at; to check the map, so to speak, for you occasionally. its difficult when youre on that ride by yourself. its hard feeling like your doing the driving, and no ones watching out for you. i dunno. but i do, i guess.. people always assume its different than it is. most of the time i do too. but i rarely see her. go and make the argument that she stays over, but that doesnt count. we sleep. its not really spending time together. i then leave early, or sleep in; and she does the opposite. so there goes that. its hard sometimes, watching everyone else work so well, then feeling like its not working for you. but it is. isnt it? maybe. you always want things to be different. you always want to wake her up in the morning to spend 5 more minutes with her. but she likes to sleep. she doesnt want you to interrupt. so you just end up standing there, watching her. knowing how ungodly creepy it would be if shed wake up, or if someone would walk in... but its hard not to. its as close as you can get sometimes, while letting her do her thing. anway she wants to sleep. she practices alot. and here i am, after 3 am, supposed to be getting up in less than 3 hours; angry at someone whom i never see, because she gets to sleep, and is good at falling asleep when she wants to. yeah, even sean stopped talking to me now. ugh. i must be insane. i must be terrible at conversation when im like this.

so i continue to ramble on. i could write pages really. about life, about me, about her. probably about anything. but its all rambling. none of it matters. thats what ive surmounted. ive placed my flag atop the tallest peak of self resiliance, that nothing matters anymore. grades? they dont matter. no one cares what your gpa is after you get that 40 thousand dollar piece of paper [thats likely to earn you less than 40k per year]; friends? nah. they dont matter much at all. friends come, friends go. friends do, and friends do without you. cant waste time on that shit. Others? maybe they matter. but they only matter to you, if you let them. no one else cares. no one else gives a god damn if youre single or not. unless youre pretty. then everyone wants you to be available. so like i said, its if it matters to you.. it don' matter much to anyone else or anything else. it dont matter at all what you say. people always hate you for what you say. they hate you for being better than them, they hate you for being right. they blame you for what they do, especially if you say it. so you cant say anything. why bother, its not worth anything if you do. its just more fodder for people to chew you up with later on. cant really care either. if you start to care, you want to keep on doing it. you want to care about more than just one person. but ya cant. they dont. why should you? so you go on caring anyway. spend your time thinking and hoping, and hanging on words like prayers. thats all you do. just hang on. you get bucked around that way. so you better hang on. or let go. its your choice. but it dont matter much at 3 am.... nothing does.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - November Rain [demo version]

a funny, spookily- incomplete version of the song that was taken from an old bootlegged DAT tape from long, long ago. axl has been publicly stated as laughing at the song in its prior forms, but i kinda like it. its different from the album take.... but good music should evolve. good anything should show maturity with age. its not a filler song, or an off the cuff type of thing. people dont usually realize it, but this song was the true opus of axl rose... the man litterally carried around this song in his soul for years before he ever committed to doing much with it. it was just a simple piano melody that he would fiddle with, whenever he could find a piano... back in those days, of living on the streets and constant cocaine/heroin parties, pianos werent as common as other things. so he brought it with him. he worked it out as the time appeared, and watched the song grow. it was some time later that the band actually started throwing some of the backing music into it. sometime after They were a band [not counting Hollywod Rose], but with the Them that was GnR; axl sat down and worked on it. from the time they started out playing things like Brownstone and Jungle; he carried this piece of himself around, in song format. supposedly it was to this point [the mp3 im speaking of] by the time Appetite was ready for release... but axl didnt feel right about it. it needed more work i assume. it needed something. it wasnt comfortable yet. and thats hard to believe really; that to have a gift to compose, and to carry around a beautiful piece of melody for how many years... and to still not feel comfortable with it. to still not feel ready to let it go out into the world. so he sat on it. and by 90/91 durring ithe illusions recordings time, he came back with it. 7 years later, he came back with it. and its turned into the staple of every show he plays, its the song of a generation of mtv watchers, its one of the more highly requested wedding songs of the younger generation, and he still tinkers with it. he still advances that part of himself, that wants more, that desires more from the work he puts into it. no new verses or anything. but new interludes, different harmonizing chords, different resonating features of a melody that still echo's deep within him.


play it.... reward yourself. -right click, save target as- {{ November Rain - Demo Tape }} ps its zipped

Current Musical Selection: Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way

Standing in line To see the show tonight And there's a light on || Heavy glow || By the way I tried to say I'd be there... Waiting for || Dani the girl Is singing songs to me Beneath the marquee; oversold || By the way I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for... || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya

why am i so damn tired. i slept again this afternoon... straight through my night class. i hate it.. im missing classes, not because i dont want to go; but because im just too tired. its not a conscious decision not to go; or to sleep instead... im just constantly tired. usually with a fucking headache packaged with it. dad laughed and thought it was mono. id be pissed. only one way id have gotten it; and only one place shed have gotten it. embarrasing as it might be to have it, i really dont think i do... not just saving face, but i really dont think i do. im just burnt out. tired of people and their attitudes, nothings really moving in the directions i thought it would this year; classes are garbage.. more bs attendance point classes; still not taking a class on anything id ever use in my life after my 4 year degree in time [mis]management... only one class is even entertaining to me; and thats the one i look forward to. i used to think latin was fun. i used to like it; never was good at it; but i liked it. i thought it was fun to be able to translate out of it... the language just really appealed to me in spoken form.. it really does flow, and has this sense of oration, even when you read a kids poem about flowers, it sounds like it could command the attention of a legion of troops. but its loosing its luster. too much bullshit busy work. too many attendance points. TA bitches too much because im tired of it. because im only doing what i need to get by. scrapping it out with 60s on my quizes, because i refuse to study any more than that. its tough to do that to myself, and i dont get it.

partly im tired. physically im tired alot, but mentally im out of it. especially of late. everything takes alot out of me. things i never expected to have to deal with take hours of my time. one headache will be done in about 4 weeks. ARH will be out of my responsible hands and right back where it used to be. cant say im sorry to see it go [but only of late would i say that]. i liked alot of the time i spent with it; believed in alot of what i did. but now its a struggle too. too much disrespect from the people that i have to deal with. it shows. administrators are constantly chatting to me about after they see them in action. all of the things i did not want my organization to become, theyve done anyway. so its time to go. alot of the people i work with are sad to see me go. ive had to start in with my rounds of goodbyes to the people i only see occasionally; telling them i dont have anything to do with the org anymore. lot of dejected looks, questions about me reconsidering, but i just have to tell them that its better for me this way. why raise the child, be proud in what it accomplishes, but keep a front row seat to watch it wither and die. no, its much better for me to leave now while i can still afford myself some memories that are pleasant. that wears me down.

fighting wears me down. i realized alot of things in the last week... that was one of them. fighting with the ones you really love takes its toll. i was physically exhausted after one day of back and forth arguing. its hard. to me, its my nature to be argumentative; to me its simple to pick over points in conversation and to evaluate it one step. relationships are a different story. i cant do that. i shoulda learned that lesson long ago. i cant sit and make my determinations then apply them in one step. i really ought to keep my mouth shut. although thats not me either. alot of times its a struggle for me not to say anything, i have learned that; but i guess i havent learned what to say when i do talk. its difficult, i think, to get a point across; being me, and not comming across as thuggish or as brutal about it. i speak with a heavy inflection on my intentions and sentiment; thats whats so hard about being delicate in relationships for me. im not a delicate person. i damn near ripped out a belly button ring last night, and i guess i didnt know it. i feel horrible about it. the thought of ripping it out kind of make my skin crawl. but i wasnt trying to; and she knows that. its not like it caught on clothes or something, i just hit it with my hand and did it. i just dont have that kind of touch i guess, physically or verbally. its tough to deal with people then, that are very receptive to things like that, and frustrating to be the kind of person that doesnt feed things out that same way. its frustrating to me to be doing everything i normally do; or even a conceited effort to be easier and more understanding with what i do and say, and get the kinds of results that bring fights, shutting me out, and just no contact for days. like id be better off if i said nothing, and was just complacent with whatever happened; than if i spoke my mind about it. that erodes alot of confidence in things, and wears you down.

it makes your mind tired when you have to think alot. it makes your body tired when you punish it alot. it makes your soul tired when you punish your body by thinking alot. ive been trying to think of the best way to address a couple things, that do infact scare me. scare is a bad word. make me worry or make me anxious to asess the situation. i havent told her, but im trying to figure out how to introduce her to my parents. my parents are the few people i most worry about with something serious; like her; because i trust their judgement, and because i know if it doesnt go right, its going to be tough in the future. but thats only half the battle. selling the product isnt tough when youve got a good product. its being confident enough to sell it to those people that are iffy about it. thats when you got to have that faith in what your doing. the last week was hard. dont get me wrong; its not like i dont have faith in it anymore or in her... i really do want to be with her and i really do want to introduce her to my parents. but im kind of cringing at what they might say and how they might react. my parents know i wouldnt do it if i werent serious, they will evaluate it as serious people; but right now its hard for me to gauge how shed want to go about it. theres a lot of times where it feels like with her, it might be day to day about what shes thinking or feeling; even though i know what she tells me; and i really want to believe what shes saying... just sometimes its so different from what i hear; its hard. im worried; because if and when it does go down [meeting my parents] i really dont want that to be a worry in my mind. i dont want to have to sell them on her; i want them to see im allready sold. but its difficult sometimes. i guess it involves alot of letting go; and lett {{{{ ing her do the things i guess she needs to do; and thats hard for me. but all that is weighing on my mind; and it makes one very, very tired. id like to be alive and well and energetic, but it takes alot out of me to worry about things i shouldnt be worrying about. its all very uncommon for me tho. never had a girl like her, that approaches things quite like she does.. no one is the same i suppose; and god knows i wouldnt want to relive any of the past experiments if i didnt have to; but its hard. it goes against alot of what ive learned in other relationships; and more importantly, it goes against how i would do things. but im hoping it works out. because when its on, were really on. its just its that downtime between being on that scares me some times. i dunno. as Jay Holstein would say--- " it dont matter. it dont matter at all. i dont know anything, i dont know any of this kinda shit. uh.. ugh.. hey uhh.. its just about begining to begin to start to understand what it is that makes this possible " yeah.. }}}}


[nothing quite like a 20 minute break to stop and clean a keyboard to break your train of thought... maybe im cheap.. but id rather take 20 minutes away from my life to remove each key, and clean them, rather than let a can of pop short out a 20 dollar keyboard, thats 5 years old...]

yeah i cant remember where i was going with it... but i think it was pretty close to a complete thought. the stuff in the french braces is what i had to supplant to finish the thought. but fuck you Code Red! your so delicious.. yet so damaging to my crap. why must you torture me so? i thought the board shorted out.. i heard a poping sizzling... turns out it was the soda bubbling and fizzing under the keys.. im glad i didnt dump the board upside down.. it would have run into it and shorted instead of staying in the bottom part of the tray. damn you Code Red~

ain't it fun~

s.

[ps. 3 emails answered from last time. keep sending them, ill keep answering them]

i have never beleived in editing my remarks. i never, ever, felt persuaded to censor myself or what i think. even in the past why my words had been used in anger against someone, purposely, i refused to pull them back. today i guess i learned that Someone means enough to me, that i will. the post formerly cited as March 31, 2003; has been removed.

i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.

many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.

but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.


--------------------------------
Scott Alvarado

Current Musical Selection: Foreigner - Blue Morning, Blue Day

SMARMY

tonight was interesting... not often can you say you were in attendance to a speech by a former President of the United States... even if it was Bill Clinton. citizen bill was interesting to hear tonight... without getting into it, i heard mostly 'when i was president' and 'what we should do now, based on what i think as a former president,' not so much the speech on "Global Security in the 21st Century" as it was billed to be. but it was BILLed. even a couple hecklers managed to show up. entertaining. too bad i couldnt hear one very well. the comments by another about rawanda were funny. clinton took them all instride. im sure after speaking to millions of people, in thousands of places, and being bill clinton, you learn how to handle disgruntled members of the crowd. hell even the secret service detail didnt budge much when they saw them yelling. a rather ho-hum speech in my opinion. at times i couldnt quite tell how much of it was off the cuff, and how much was scripted. that must be the biggest departure for the man. comming from 8 years of federally [and about 20 more of state] funded speech writers and campaign organizers, he, at times, seemed almost ill-prepared. like the information was comming to him as he talked, but clearly not in the polished and prepared manner that a citizen of his presidency was accustomed to hearing. all in all, the speech was summed up with; love thy neighbor, give them more money, never cut taxes, destroy guns/bombs/nukes, praise the 'merits' of social and educational 'advances' upon society. again, it was bill clinton. as he put it... "even it's not rocket science" but he did use the 'smarmy' that was unnerving. a fullbright scholar; distinguished and affluent [yes he made several comments about his personal wealth] private citizen, and former President for shit's sake, uses "smarmy" smarmy indeed.

even without clinton, life proceeds. for once i experienced a semi-comical moment at a meeting... something truly unique of student leaders on the lame duck seat... counting down the days left. several grins and comments were made. President Boyd had his chance to make them at the last meeting, now we impressed President Skorton with our own. cant say it feels good to want to leave... but its getting there. only a few weeks left on the job really, and im anticipating life afterwards. people are sadly delluded if they think this position is something that is lofty, or brings them above normal students. infact, ive tried with my entire presidency to bring it back down to a useable and workable position. some people differ with me on that. but then again, i was the reluctant man in the post. by others admissions ill be impossible to replace, but i can always have the piece of mind that i never had to run for the position. i never aspired to take on a role like this, and i out and out have little respect for those that do. its demeaning to the office and to the students around them; something i hoped i never did with my term. but, as it stands i have little under 4 weeks left until i can completely cash in my chips, and i am looking forward to it. i cant deny that the position made my name a topic at many dinner tables around the university community in my reign of terror, but it also gained me quite a bit of credability in those i dealt with; more so for the organization which i get to leave behind in uncertain hands. its difficult like that. to walk around with an idea in your head... just a thought that matures and grows with time, never sharing it with anyone. then being selected out to run with your idea.. to be called upon by those around you to make it happen.. then once your on that path to completion, to be pulled aside and forced to give it all away. to watch the sandcastle that took many days and nights, to be swept slowly into the ocean that brough you those very grains of sand with run through your fingers. its about loosing a piece of yourself in the work. permanently sacrificing bits of yourself, that go unnoticed and unthanked, and to watch them reduce down to mere drops in the ocean that is its begining and end. clinton obviously has a hard time with it too. so many comments about being president and how he would handle things; that it was obvious to tell hes slowly growing accustomed to life after it all. to life away from the control.

i guess its not that my life wont have control, or direction in 4 weeks. just that it has uncharted and hopefully new and relaxing, but beneficial direction. maybe ill actually have the time to read those books ive allways wanted to... or just get homework done on time for class, not racing through it at 4 in the morning. no more meetings, really. no more tending to other people and their concerns. maybe, just for once, i can have some time to be somewhat selfish. to keep some time for myself. maybe some time to do what i want. to see what id like to see and be with who i want to be with. ill definitely miss some aspects of it all; but im sure my girlfriend wont. i may actually have time to spend with her, that isnt a cool down from meetings, with headaches and reminants of attitudes of coworkers. maybe i could be that lazy college student ive practed so long to be. maybe i could just end up normal. thats all i really ever wanted for myself. a normal existence. nothing extraordinary. no complications, atleast none more than necessary. not much excitement. just an existence. not jaded, not too opulent or even optimistic. to have what i need and live with that. so in 4 weeks ill see more of where that leads me to. who knows, the public has a habbit of calling upon its servants time and time again.

until that time, i spend my hours cranking away; fearing the end, but shying away from the future even more.