i have never beleived in editing my remarks. i never, ever, felt persuaded to censor myself or what i think. even in the past why my words had been used in anger against someone, purposely, i refused to pull them back. today i guess i learned that Someone means enough to me, that i will. the post formerly cited as March 31, 2003; has been removed.

i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.

many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.

but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.


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Scott Alvarado