Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Absinthe With Faust

well i didnt really watch the entire debate tonight. however. im going to call it in favor of kerry. while both seemed to rely on their rehearsed tag lines.. [bushes fountain and the valley of peace - one tends to stand out], it wasnt nearly as good as i had hoped. more of a degenerative, high browed; you do this, and youre wrong, time-structured-argument. i think the questions over nuclear powers were very 1960's ish and not worth our time.... seriously. how few voters would actually be affected by information like that.... besides which; its pretty clear who favors what stance before you even have to ask a question like that... regardless... all of the talk about multilateral talks is backwards to me. ive always been a firm believer in confronting my problems myself. as it stands, bringing 6 nations to sit down to discuss 1 or 2 nations issues is really showing alot of fear towards that nation. and the reality of the situation is; that at current course north korea will dissappear as a viable nation in the next generation or two if it stays at this course. barring some desparation attack, or pact for success... as a country shes sunk. id never waste the time paying lip service to a nation thats not worth the chapstick... so to speak... besides which, all this talk of multinational anything drives me up a wall. this is a world of nations, not of perpetual treaties, mutual self defense pledges, and non functional international committees on items.... you dont like that my country has, for 70 years, harnessed the power of the atom, send an emissary to talk it over. its not changing my vote. not that it would have. kerry isnt getting it. and so far, im not satisfied enough to vote bush. hes on his legs as a war president. all things considered, hes a tough sell on much else than that. forget that he created new jobs; people still hang the past couple of difficult years on him, economically, atleast. the war isnt nearly as divisive, to me, as are certain other policies skirtted in under the hem of war time preparations... chiefly the far reaching and deep pocketed exceptions found in the USA Patriot Act and similar "terror stopping" articles of legislation. all of which are slowly being used against american citizens, in non terror related proceedings. bush's stance on education irks me as well. i think most of my friends have heard my frank remarks on "national education policy/funding" and if you havent; sum it up as... NONE, it should all be axed. this No Child Left Behind bullshit isnt making the grades among educators or pupils, and its rather difficult to judge schools in a wealthy boston 'burb against schools in poor urban mississippi; and dice up funding based on that. id much rather let the states and local school districts decide best where money needs to go, and how to make adjustments in cirriculum. standardized testing is never the answer. even though its bushs' baby.... im sure shit-snorkelling kerry has a similarly asinine policy waiting in the wings. regardless, its a fact that kids still cant read in this country, have roofs that leak in classrooms, while other schools have marble floors and 3 story libraries. and lastly the entire iraq question better be finished now. watch it come up for another 20 minutes in every debate. but i think people have their opinions on it; listening to these two chatter on about it isnt going to change much. again, the fact is weve shipped home over 1000 caskets so far; and burried tens of thousands of iraqi people to make this thing happen. maybe we shouldnt have done it; but we are there now, and life is better because of it for the people of iraq. its like when the class bully breaks his arm riding his bike. everyone his happy and smirking about it... but very few kids had the balls to shove him over when he was riding past them. think about that france. kerry however is still wrong for america. this debate did nothing more than turn me off to entertaining his respect. well. no matter. there is no way in hell id ever vote for a multi-term mass. senator running for pres. the only slightly redeeming quality kerry has is edwards. who... even for a democrat, somehow strikes me right. he seems geinuine [more so than most politicians], but thats probably because hes still a new kid. sure, he likes those wacked out liberalist ideas... but he doesnt hold on to his guns on as much of it as im sure his party would like. so in my mind, tonights debate wasnt worth watching... however... its the vice presidential debate that interests me... im still leaning 3 party candidate this time around. maybe ill write Pat in again. maybe Keyes... but tonight just didnt really sell me on Bush, not enough to get a vote out of me. yet, he can rest assured, kerry will not get it either.

oh... and i guess Brit is married again.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2004-09-19-spears-wedding_x.htm

maybe when "its for love" it will make it longer than 50 hours.

but i hope not... i hope she does it again... ends up single... hating her life... decides to tour iowa for no appearant reason than to find a place to die.... and ends up shagging me for several years... that would be sweet. oooh sweet revenge.... id do her to something like Dimmu Borgir, or old school Iron Maiden.... yeah. that would be sweet. mmmm.. brittney.... captive sex slave... mmmmmm drooollll..........

droooooll.............

god i need a woman.

Current Musical Selection: The Eagles - Hotel California [live]

man.. its been a long night, allright i got thrown in jail at this party in malibu, and the cop was a total dickhead about it... so alright. could you just not play the Eagles..

well after 2 days of not having to work; i get to go straight back in to hell tomorrow. man. i cant wait. i believe i was called at home twice in two days; and people wonder why i have to check in on my days off. its quite pathetic. when i leave, everyone seems to forget how to do anything in my department. no one sells anything. freight is never finished. tags are missing. or wrong. and there is always; ALWAYS some stupid customer complaint that i have to deal with first thing. 2 days wasnt enough time off.

speaking of time off; i played DoD for the first time in nearly a month. besides being a bit rusty; i still managed to own several morons. there is just something about raping people with the garand... being tk'd for the high number of kills; then takin a BAR and just pwn'ing all in sight before i discconect. my worst score, of 4 maps i played was 35 to 27. but i had 60 points in flag captures. its sad. no new maps. no nifty weapons. no wonder i stopped playing it. im not going to play a game to the point that i master it so minutely, that it would only be a matter of having enough ammunition. some guys on those maps were litterally picking head shots, on the run, at 50 yards with smg's. disgusting. quite the similar reason why i loathe counter... MONKEYstrike. i grew tired if being 1 shot with carbines from across a map, through a crack in doors about pixels wide while on the run. DoD is getting that way now. the only thing that keeps it interesting is revolving spawns. without that it would have gone the way of the ape shootout. sigh.


i so dont want to go into work tomorrow. i think im the only one opening with the manager, and i have to do TJ's job on top of mine all this week... ugh. i hate cycle counts. i hate outs walks. then i hate being mad about doing that and having to deal with the customers asshole questions as i do it. maybe it will be different. but lately the customers have gotten into this great habbit of arguing with us about any suggestions we make... typical situation:

"customers" -- me ((what i think to myself))

"hi; im looking for pens."
-- k, we have a big selection in aisle 6, about 2 aisles down ((look in aisle 6, not at me))
"well, they need to be red ink pens"
--ok, well we have probably 2 dozen kinds in red ink, let me get someone to help you then ((you arent looking in aisle 6 bitch... now i have to find a handler for you))
"and i read this article in ___(dumbass magazine)___ that says theives can steal your checks and remove all the information thats written in pen, so they need to be gel ink"
--well someone will be up here in a second, and well have several kinds of gel ink pens to show you ((so write in pencil for all i care))
"you dont seem to carry any of those check ink pens, do you?" [make sure they make up some name for them]
-- you know, i dont really know; i sell computers over here, ive got someone who deals with office supplies coming to help you with this (( i suppose youll have to use cash to buy shit now))
"how would you keep theives from stealing your checks without those special check ink pens?"
--im not sure, i guess i just wouldnt make out checks to any place that isnt reputable ((since there is no such thin i dont worry... but i just dont keep any money in my checking account... and for that matter i dont really have any money... none for checks... and none for special check ink pens... 20 bucks says she makes out a check to us for this 3 dollar pack of pens))
"well, do you know of a place that would have them?"
--im not even familiar with the product, let the office supply specialist talk to you about it; it could very well be a special order part ((look in your imagination, it seems well stocked with things that dont exist... ))
"well i know there is an office depot in town, can you give me directions?"
--no. ((just no. get out.))
"and why not, you obviously dont have them, why not just give me their phone number?"
--one, im not sure where its even at; two- its our policy not to refer people to direct competetors ((why dont you just leave and go there then))
"this is rediculous, i want to see your manager... this is the worst customer service ive ever had; all i want is a phone number and you wont tell me what it is"
--well ma'am carl here is going to help you with your pen problem ((im not a phone book, and besides you want pens that dont exist))


that happens atleast 100 times a day. oh. its going to be such a long day at work ....

...

...

Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine

its different, and i like it. generally im not a huge fan of stuff like Dimmu Borgir, or Cradle... yet these new songs intrigue me; like never before. i still hate Danni Filths troll on helium scratchy vocals, yet its interesting... its different. it sounds more epic. more... encompassing now. very full.

lately ive been running around alot. this has been about the most hectic week ive ever experienced at work. we were down two managers, and others... we had litterally, no one with keys that could close the store on two different nights... so we borrowed store managers from other stores; which cant be cheap; to do it. sales have been waaaaaaaaaay up; everywhere but electronics. which is getting set again this week. last week i came up almost 20 grand short in sales for where i needed to be. this week hasnt treated us much better. then today happened. if it couldnt get any worse... the one person with keys gets them stuck and broken in the fire door in the back of the store while getting the UPS deliveries... no keys now. plus we have a fire alarm door that keeps going off with a loud wail. then out of the fucking blue, the corporate loss prevention honcho for our area shows up; unannounced. shes back there raping us over the door and no one being out on the floor [again, we had 4 people working... two of us are dealing with this door problem...]; we get a phone call as three of us stare at the door... the district manager is on his way to our store. dammit. line 5 rings. i answer it. its one of the assisstant managers, her maternity doctors said shes done until after the baby. fuuuuck. then someone had the great idea to call the store general manager in. hes, ofcourse, unhappy... and also happens to be the one that doesnt deal with crisis well. he doesnt know LP or the district manager are going to be there. hillarities ensue! to make a short story of it... we ended up using a screwdriver, a hammer and some luck to get the alarm lock cover off... to find broken bits of the door latch inside. i walked out then. decided i could do more help on the floor... since we had 2 people out there. we got sliced apart on the LP walk of the store; the district manager was generally unhappy about our store numbers and lack of customer services [its hard with less than half the departments being staffed at any one time]. its was great. last i heard they were trying to remedy the problems of staffing *laughter* as well as necessary people with keys *more laughter* by *continuous laughing* trying to talk several people into the responsibility that cant point to their own asses even with their thumbs stuck in it. *dabbing away tears from laughter* this place just keeps getting better and better. when i tell customers its like a three ring circus... im being truthful... even though were so understaffed it would look like a one-triangle show at this point.

http://akma.disseminary.org/archives/001518.html

its an interesting article that ran on slashdot today. thinking it over, im finding it tough to find a good way to approach this kind of logic, on the behest of the officer... who, according to my research, is completely in the wrong; unless this should be some local municipalitiy's implementation. regardless, the officer reduced the situation to "its like stealing cable tv" . well. id go for, "its like watching someone elses cable tv" but how can something freely distrubuted be counted as theft, if it is infact being utilized in the very same manner which IS prescribed for free distribution? im not saying that free things cannot be stolen, they can be. say Baskin Robbins decided to give away free ice cream on saturday; that does not entitle you to ask for it on wednesday; nor to break in and steal it friday night. the ice cream is free, under the condition that it is the free ice cream they are giving away, and being given to you on saturday, under the circumstances of the free give away. tounge twister. but were not talking about stealing anything per se. no theft is going on. what this man was doing was utilizing the free, and publically subsidized, access that is free, any time, for anyone, at that location. he wasnt hacking into someones network, he didnt initiate and DDOS attack, and he wasnt trying to zombie out other's equipment to suck down that "free" bandwidth. he was sitting on the park bench, using the internet connection. what makes this any different than if the library had a public use tv set with cable television programming, and the man turned it on to watch tv? a step farther; what makes it different than reading the newspaper the library has on the shelf? sure, we could draw some pretty ingenious sets of circumstances about the cable tv theft issue the office retorted back with; but it doesnt hold up. go back to our ice cream idea. do you cuff the man who is eating his free ice cream, given to him by Baskins Robbins on saturday, at the free ice cream station, and charge him with larceny for wrongfull taking of their ice cream? sounds like this officer might though. the heart of the matter is what eats away like an acid the principles of fair use and acceptable exemptions from copywright and registered marks; that little by little, the consumer's right to fair use exemptions is quickly erroding in this new digital age. what was free, is no longer free. what we call free is really so paired down, its not what you bargained for anymore. we dont bother to tell you that. and we also dont bother to print up the fine print for it. in fact, we just make up the rules as we go along. and whats fair about that? what is fair about fair use, in the digital age, when nothing is fair, if you intend to use it? granted, the fair use exemptions, as aforementioned, dont entitle you to make off with whatever youd please, but under specific circumstance, and under the correct auspices, you are entitled to your own fair use of the good/commodity/property in question. when you sing a Britney Spears song in the shower, when you write a note in the margain of the textbook, and when you photo copy a picture of a loved one; you are exhibiting the everyday expressed value of fair use. the law is quite clear that unless you release a cd of your shower songs, or if you plan to resell that textbook [with your changes] as your own work, or if you are planning on using those photographic duplications to avoid paying the reprinting fees at studio; you stand well within your right to an exemption of applicable copyright law. without that written, codified, exemption status, Brit can sue the shit out of you and your estate. but thats not at all what this is about. this is about the further constraint upon a commodity [for lack of more exacting definition of 'bandwidth'], which is being made available expressly under fair use practices. and im not arguing that this point can not be done. [hell, the federal government has been changing the way you own items around your house for the last 15 years, you just never realized how, or why it matters] but, the idea im reaching around to is, this commodity is being used under the perfect ascription to the rules of fair use, and we are trying to stifle even that. snuff out the last of the embers of acceptable and legitimate use, that have been a part of our recognized codification of copyright doctrination for the past millenium. just throw it out. rip out those pages from the big tomes of legal babble. no more xerox machines either. you should just purchase additional volumes of text books for citation reasons. get rid of high lighters, since those are making an infringing practice of altering the text in that god-given copy of a James Joyce collection, quash the practice of buying cds because if the singer wanted you to hear theyd sing it infront of you; and just euthanize the arts of influence and inspiration since you are just a petty criminal taking away another's good work. instead, help usher in the era of new "rights" where free internet isnt free, where you pay to listen to a radio station, and where the police are free to make up laws to make it all "fair" for you.

This is Andrea reporting for Scott! I, Andrea, almost got locked in the bathroom. Took me a second to get the door open because the doors in this new apartment are fucked up.

Scott is playing Axis and Allies: D-Day with Matt (my lovely boyfriend) and our friend Nick. Scott's Germany and is probably going to get ass-raped. Matt is the US and Nick is England. I am drunk. Matt and Scott, the bastards, went to the liquor store not too far from here and decided it would be funny to buy disgusting Beast. I, however, am drhinking JD's Hurricane Punch.

Scott hopes the lucky U of Illinois Sucks hat will bring him good luck. While I have no clue what's going on in the game, I don't think it will be helping him

I'm drunk and hvaing a difficult time typing. Most of what I have typed has been retyped several times and now I'm getting lazy. I sort of want chocolate cake but I'm rather full from all the drinks. I'm a sucker for chocolate. But mind you, everyone who's never met me before, I'm not normally like this. I'm drunk. Rmember that. Or I'll cut you, bitches. I am, after all, from Jersey. Land of the gay gov'ners.

Current Musical Selection: Slipknot - Before I Forget

well i cant say that i normally care much about the people around me. nor do i loose sleep much over other peoples mistakes and shortchanges of their own accord. however. after sitting on the couch this afternoon i heard such a ruckus that even i looked up over the edge of my book. what started out as some young children running around, ended up in one of the most embarrassing displays that their parents and teachers will never see.

one black boy [yes its relevant], and 3 white girls. on bikes. id guess about 13 years old. i had zoned out their conversation till one started screaming hysterically; "FAGGOT" "FAGGOT" "YOURE SUCH A NIGGER COCKER BLOWER". she was screaming into a cell phone, that i doubt shes old enough to responsibly possess. regardless. the outburst drew my attention. i sat on the arm of the couch watching an listening to the rest of it. several more uses of ethnic degration. multiple uses of inflamatory homo-sexual based remarks. and some that were just lewd. and by lewd, one example.

'do you remember, like oh my god the other night at torrie's house when her brother had a boner"
- 'oh my god!'
-- "like jesus christ hes such a whigger walking around with this dong sticking up'
- 'you liked it girl'
-- 'no i didnt'
'yeah you did, maybe hed rub it in youre face for you and you could bite it'
-- 'id stick it up my boo-tay and be like ughh ughhh ughhh [she straddles and gyrates on her bike]
[laughter]
-- ' id fuck that thing'


if one thing said above doesnt disturb you, all of it together ought to. kids have no disregard for what they say, what they think they know, and what is appropriate. its deplorable. utterly. without any excuse. in an instance like this, where you do put blame.... where can you even start? its just left me very, very worried about the future of this country.

tick tock

ow. the light hurts. taken some time around 3am... not by me.... after we started drinking at about 6pm...



well a quick post. more tomorrow after i get off work... also look for pictures over on the dichotomous.net book soon. but..

poopie is now married to hcwbph. *sigh* yet another one gone.

but.

we did it in grand style i must say. right now im still pretty tired, over a day later. but the ceremony was nice [i missed it], the party was better. drinking for us started at 6ish... we finally were done screwing around at J's house sometime around 3 am . fucking fun. for once i can say, that being with these people in davenport did not produce any annimosity, no hard feelings. just lots of fun. old memories. new jokes. lots of laughs. 1 gold fish was swallowed. a black man was busting moves on the mom's dancing to the boot-scooting-boogie. someone brought a stripper with as a date. someone's mom doesnt swallow. a vegetarian contemplated putting chicken on her plate at dinner. there was indeed fighting with lengths of drainpipe. lots of devil horns. and yeah. poopie nuhts is married.

so much to say. to tired to say it. more pictures will be coming... however..

congrads Adam and Jackie!

s.

Here she is!


Current Musical Selection: Sepultura - Troops Of Doom

well, since i have no functioning internet, until an unspecified time... my blog of move in stories, shall be one belated post..

Tuesday, July 20. Getting The Fuck Outta Dodge

well just like the saying goes, its time to get the fuck out of dodge. i went to sleep waaaay too late monday night. mom and brother came up during the day to prep stuff, and help box. mainly i showed them the new place and took a load over. spent the rest of monday night trying to package up my life again... for the third new place in three years...

spent the entire day tuesday moving boxes in the heat. dad rented a trailer to haul the big crap, used Wonder Van for the smaller stuff... my car for the stuff they just didnt want to be caught dead hauling. i think it was 3 trips... although it could have been done in two. the first trip, the van was full of my futon... and my surprise from my parents... A NEW FUTON MATTRESS! no more weak ass padding on that sucker! i mean, it surved my purposes [whatever they might have been] at night, but sleeping on that thing just wasnt comfortable. and now that i have the room for a real couch and nice stuff at my place, my parents thought it would be a nice thing to do. i actually really appreciated it. anywho. the boxes never ended. up and down a double long flight of stairs, no a/c, and its mid day. [the weather says its upper 80s.. its bullshit. in the sunlight.. its in the upper 90s]. anyway we GOT_UR_DONE. had a nice dinner with my parents at the new place. then spent the rest of the night finding things... and finding out what things dont work.

the list now includes... 3 of 5 overhead lights. 2 smoke detectors [cords dangling from ceiling, units left in middle of the floor]. both the door to the bathroom and my bedroom are broken and crappified... to the point that they wont shut. 2 light switches go to nothing at this point and turn nothing on [its rumored they go to one of the lights that doesnt work.. the other is a mystery to me]. no hot water, as for some reason the water heater doesnt kick on. i really thought it wouldnt bug me, seeing how hot it is. ha. take a bath in 63 degree water [yes, i measured] i seriously couldnt find my balls after that first plunge. but i made it through.... the worst part was washing my hair... i swear i felt ice. and ofcourse i have no internet!. however my phone works here. so anyone in iowa city is free to call me [as its a freebee local call]. msg me or call my cell for the number [as im not posting it for several obvious reasons on line].

so far the mass majority of my life is in carboard and piles. but the pc is up and going! as are the GnR posters on the walls. pictures have been taken. need to get some of the outside and surrounding area too. it will happen... just not tomorrow. mid american energy is showing up at 7am to look at the water heater, then i have to deal with my property managers about shit thats got to get fixed in here. then im working at noon..... TO CLOSE. assholes. whatever.



(((((addendum..... obviously, i have working internet now! and more pictures will be taken of the outside, or of the view i have atleast....))))))

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - The Deafening Silence

the silence is deafening..

since its just me and half of my stuff here. tomorrow not even that will be here. tomorrow is moving day. almost everything i have in iowa city is in a pile in the living room. i plan on getting my keys at 8am tomorrow, and starting moving shit in. cant wait. its going to be pretty expensive for me.... about as tight as my budgeting was at the begining of last school year... but i think it could be worth it.

im loosing several key things. mainly location. right now, im about a 15 minute walk from class. 39 seconds from a bus stop [including time to lock the door], and im 3-10 minutes from work [dependent on traffic]. as of tomorrow... im prolly something like a 4.5 hour walk to class. i dont think any buses even stop out there. [save maybe to the Oakdale Campus, which is a 10-15 minute drive], and maybe a half hour from work with traffic.

i loose the proximity to the grocery store, the interstate, gas stations, bars, bar whores, and general civilization as iowa city knows it.

i gain.

peace. quiet. solitude. my OWN place. a quiet drive home every day. a bigger place. a newer place. a nicer place. a hefty rent check. prolly no neighbors save those in my building.

im still thinking the balance to be in my favor.

yeah im loosing alot... everything except rent and time and distance. but im so tired of iowa city. im tired of the people here. im tired of the neighbors and their fireworks. the girl that fucks so loud upstairs. the drunk herds at 2 to 4 am that wake me up. i wont miss at all certain people inside of city limits that have maid my life pure shit the last couple years. nor will i miss the memories of stuff that went on out here. instead, ill finish my 2 classes, and work here [if i dont transfer to Cedar Rapids first], and play it out. ill let iowa city win. thats it. ill tip my king over, if it means we both answer it as a draw due to my absence. i refuse to fight with this town anymore. im even evaluating a city administration position where im going. could be reaaaaal interesting. then again, ive always been about good expectations, then fighting to get to the goal.

so iowa city, i cant say im happy about this.. but i know im not sad! its a different place than when i came here, almost five years ago. and im sure that im different than when i came here as well. and not for the better because of it.

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - Kick You When Youre Down


have i ever mentioned how much i love machine head?

"they will always kick you when youre down...
you have to trust in yourself, you have to believe in yourself;
you have to follow your heart, you have to overcome, improve, endure"


"love for my love, hate for my hate,
strength for my strength, pain for my pain
pride for my pride; match it inside"



fuck off!



J-Rox, Robert Fucking Flynn, and Me

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - Blank Generation

le sigh. i should be in bed. ive got to be back at the shithole bright and early tomorrow. to, you guessed right, deal with shit. they broke the news to me about how BTS works.. Back To School is like a death sentence for us employees. were going to do something obscene as a company; like stay open from 8am to 10pm M-Saturday, and be open 10am to 10pm on sunday. ON FUCKING SUNDAYS. i wasnt happy. especially considering i work more sundays than the other department heads combined. fucking goober kids. the store now smells like a giant crayon ball, wooden penicl, or stinky leather chair from china... depending where you are in the store. i should draw a map of the place for the smells. i know some of my friends would find it amusing. id make sure i put in the puke smells infested the recieving deck and stock area. i think some hobo vomitted up a blue whale into our dumpster. its just nasty. i went out there on monday morning at 7am to start doing destroy orders, and about passed out from the cloud. the pregnant manager about lost breakfast when she got to the doorway. after that neither of us have stopped smelling that reek. except when im in OS, then i smell cheap wax and cheap wooden pencils. gross. kinda like a closet at grandmas, without the mothball twainge. then closer to my part of the store you smell all the shitty cheap leather chairs that we got in from china. dorm ho's are gonna love red and blue vinyl shit this year! its even got sparkles in the crap. its nasty. corporate either thinks its beautiful, or it was so fucking cheap to buy they made themselves believe its beautiful. i hate the god damn chinese. i threw out a dvd rom manual the other day... should have kept it. ive never seen engrish that bad. double negatives were about as correct, grammatically speaking, as they got if that tells you something.

i guess im in a foul mood tonight. my elbow hurts like a son of fucker. i was on the phone and not paying much attention and hit the tile in the kitchen too fast in my socks. bam. ofcourse instead of letting me fall on my fat ass, i tried to flail around and grab something. thats where the elbow smashing in to the countertop enters. as well as the related pain. not only that, but i dumped an entire glass of water all over myself in the process. didnt loose the phone though.

you know. im pissed because i got my damn reunion card today. one of those happy horseshit "God we loosers you graduated with really miss high school, and really need to drink in public and talk about that" ..... i mean my class reunion at a bar. classy. 15 bucks for me to sit around them again. i know of a good dozen or so that have kids now. so add screaming brats in the mix. id say one in five is married. one in three is engaged. probably half and half of the rest will have someone in tow. the rest of us will be standing around alone all night. i guess after those kind of odds... my old friends and i will be standing around by ourselves again. two called me to say they were going. i havent made up my mind yet. its not something ive desired to attend. i dont miss high school. i dont have many friends there. and i sure as hell dont have anyone there that i want to see. five years hasnt been long enough after what i lived through. shit it took me 4 years to make it out. its like an excon getting off a 30 year stint, and asking him to come back the next weekend for prison softball games. it aint right. i feel like i dont have anything to go back and slam in peoples faces yet. i dont have kids. i dont have a wife. i dont have a potential wife. i dont even have a girl that i can talk to on the phone. im not even out of college. i dont like my job much. and im no where near getting into law like i wanted to be. i dont have a fancy car, an arrest record, or a presidential commendation to brag about. i guess im not going to be a great person to have there. i thought about calling christine and offering to have lunch with her that week before it. shes the class president. we were pretty good friends in school. but i havent seen her in over a year, when i was in cedar falls for macurh. i guess i could atleast let her know im alive. if she even cares. but again. i dont really feel all that inclined to do that either. i dont see much point in it really. its going to be three groups of people there. those that wish high school never ended. those that highschool was the biggest accomplishemnt they will ever see through. and that last group im in; thats eventually going to have real lives and move on and stop going to this kind of crap. i can see myself sitting on a bar stool, yelling over Nelly and warm drafts of natty lite about how i loathe college. someone will break out in high school stories. someone else will be interested in hearing about a college since they are now a mechanic at a jiffy lube or arent allowed to vote or own firearms anymore. im not going to like it. maybe ill even get pissed off enough to get drunk in my own little corner, and get vulgar about all the shit in my life from high school on. air out all the things i really thought about some of those popular girls that used to tell me i was cute, then run away laughing all day about it. or about how i think most of american populace is nothing but a lost herd of bovine, with no foresight, no memory, no balls and an utter lack of death certificates. i suppose i could brag about how much i cherish my job and co-workers. maybe i could just tell all about my fantastic love life, and how great it is to be unnattractive in a yet a different educational setting. i could brag how my car is the greatest production value engineering could muster 11 years ago. yeah ive got alot to look forward to at this thing.

i cant say im really happy with my life. not compared to what im going to have to put up with at this affair. maybe if i had something i was actually proud of, it would be bearable. but i dont. and its not going to be. instead ill have to see baby pictures. diamond rings of all sorts. public molestation and groping will frequent the dance floor. money being flashed around. someone will be driving a Benz. ill have to take home a pocket full of business cards with promises to keep in touch... and drop them a line if i need that mutual fund. ill get stories about the frat houses. ill get stories about who still fucks who from North. no one will recognize me. and theyll act as flakey as possible becasue they wont remember me. and if they do. they wont know what to say to me. theyere going to remember who i was and how they treated my like shit, and not know what to do when im there. i just dont like how this is adding up. like i said. if i had something that i liked about my life, i could work with that. but i dont. i hate my life. i hate being that ugly gross loser that every girl hopes doesnt try to talk to them. i hate having a fucking car that isnt worth my bank account balance. i work at a god damn dead end job where i stock shelves and sell warranties to people at 0% kick back. i listen to all that kind of music that i did back then, that everyone hated me for. i couldnt buy a date with a hooker without getting turned down. and im fucking conscious through it all. i fucking hate it. i feel like an idiot. we gave the retarded kids diplomas for highschool in 4 years. ..... and i cant even earn a college degree in 5 years.... and i qualified for Georgetown. i cant get a job that even pays me my fucking age in thousands of dollars. i get shit on by the general public at a job that doesnt amount to shit. and ive got nothing to come home to at the end of the night. no wife or fiance to hide by, or leave early with. not even a fucking pet to talk to. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................




i dont know. i just .... i just wonder how i got here. i wonder when something is going to pick up for me for once. and i just get fucking angry. and frustrated. and i hate the thought of going back to high school. i hate the thought of having other people tell me im a loser, when i guess deep down i know i am one.

the sounds of love were all around me last night.

i tried to go to sleep early. honestly i did. but however much i might have tried to do it. the world wont let me. the sounds of love were all around me. thankfully, it wasnt the slut upstairs having screaming sex. no. this time it was the asshole beating up his girlfriend in the building 3 feet from mine. they started by talking. which i fell asleep hearing. then i woke up to hear WHY DO YOU KEEP OPENING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH LIKE A BITCH *slaping noise* then i hear her scream and cry. maybe its dirty talk. i slam my window shut. FUCK YOU THAT HURT, WERE FUCKING OVER. -WELL IT WAS OVER WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING KEITH- various screams. continues oh ten more minutes. then i hear her screaming GET OFF ME, GET THE FUCK OFF ME. DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME. -ILL FUCKING SHOW YOU HOW TO SLEEP AROUND- several slapping noises. stuff hitting the walls. her screaming being muffled. so then i called the cops.

you know, the saddest thing has to go through my mind when i hear that. not that shes getting the shit kicked out of her. or that he should be in jail for it. but that how its just god damn unfair, that people like him end up with a woman. people like me dont. i understand that im not fully aware of what went on. nor can i necessarily justify him doing whatever it was that it sounded like he was doing. yet, its just not fair. while the 911 operator is trying to get me to explain where this is going on [shes hearing it through my phone as well], it just kept kicking me over and over again, how there just cant be alot of justice in this world. what have i ever done wrong? obviously its something. i cant even con a female in to talking to me or even having dinner with me; and this fratfag is knocking the crap out of some girl at 5 am. it just isnt right. that or i must be one bad hombre. i mean evil as hitler, and as pathetic as a Betamax. here i am in an empty house, bored off my mind, money to spare in a double wide bed. this guy comes home hammered, starts a scream fest with his neighbors around and ends up with the girl. probably a 30 sentence in county as well. but you get the picture.

Current Musical Selection: Hammerfall - Child of the Damned

woooot. that was actually a fun hour and a half.... doing latin. yeah. class is out, but Magister Marcus decided hed do some free summer updating for our latin braining [as he called it]. new stuff to sight read and grammar things to go over. although my first read was horribly inaccurate, i didnt do too bad. i lost alot of vocab, and the tricky grammar construction caught me. but not bad. he laughed when i forgot the verb amitto... twice. once not even five minutes after he told me what it was. typical scott. vellia didnt show up. too bad. shes the hot blonde that would constantly wear slutty underpants, that came in with the massive hickey during the final. mark and i had a good laugh about that. aaaaaaannnd kicking the shit out of the Etruscans.

Mark: so what do you have here?
Scott: well so far the army of Priam is kicking the shit out of the Etruscan army.
Mark: thats not what it says..
Scott: yeah it does... they are "agressi sunt ab ..."
Mark: oh. well that doesnt mean theyve won... not yet! mwa ha ha ha
Scott: but they do with. this is the Trojan War.
Mark: well i suppose.

...

Scott: what is "laeti"? i havent heard that one
Mark: oh. well that means happy
Scott: how do you remember that????
Mark: hm. twizzlers make us laeti!
Scott: can i have a twizzler?
Mark: yeah. [hands me the bag] well i suppose... like when you go home its all dark.... and then you turn on the lighty and you get laeti! [makes happy faces with jazz hands]
Scott: or twizzlers make me laeti...
Mark: no, twizzlers make you laetus. twizzlers make us laeti.

Current Musical Selection: Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved

well this weekend was boring, but i made it fun.

i ended up driving all around the 3 county area yesterday, then just ended up in dport for most the night. got to hang out with erin s., j, sarah and everyone back home. it was nice. parents were gone out of town, so was the dog. so there wasnt even much point it stopping by their place. just cruised around town driving and remembering things till about 5 am, when i decided to drive back to iowa city. not a cop in sight the entire time. i took some pictures, but the batteries were dying so i didnt get alot. ive got some others at home i havent posted either. not much though. next weekend i get off im driving out somewhere fucking off the wall and getting some neat pictures. havent decided yet. figured i wont till i go. it makes it all the more interesting when i do it that way.

it was interesting, however, just driving through davenport. so much keeps changing around there. lots of stuff is still the same, but enough has changed that there are places of town i dont even recognize much anymore. a good example is right downtown, around main and 2nd... that whole area west of the Radison hotel/ rivermusic area is just totally different. i remember marching in parades downtown in highschool, and nothing looks the same. infact building and parking lots used as landmarks for kids to know where to stage are arent even there now. very scary. its for the better though. downtown looks much nicer. still no real business in it yet. but its coming.

drove past my high school, its fucked up. not at all what i knew it to be. samething with my gradeschool. it used to have a sheep farm next door to it. not anymore! somehow the school bought it, and paved it. its now a parkinglot and bout 3/4's of a mile long driveway out to the back. its not right.

even worse. on my way out of town, i drove past someone's old house. i guess just because i like to bleed my self some more. i really dont know why. but none of the cars are familiar. that was one clue. second was no lights on and no activity. it should be a house full of teenagers now. odd clue #2. last thing was the empty forsale sign in the front yard, no sign in it. #3. turns out her parents must have split up and moved. freaky. she and i would talk at night, and shed always tell me shed wish her parents would. guess she got what she wanted. she always did.

i dunno. just in a shock at the state of change..

Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - In My Time of Dyin'

well there are many reasons why i hate going out in public. grocery shopping never used to be one. i like it. its actually fun. not nearly as much fun as browing through the gun store, liquor store, or porno store; but it has its moments. the reason i like the grocery store is the people that shop there entertain me so much. well almost as much as the shit they sell.

i was looking for cereal when to my distaste, i found myself at the end of an audio assault by some screaming little demon in a stupid plastic car/grocery cart. it didnt end either. instead the handler/caregiver replied; "my you make such great noises" with a gleeful tone. i should have said something then, but i looked up instead. hair in a crew cut, nose piercing, saggy pants, bandana hanging out of left pocket, and rainbow buttons on everything; i found my self staring down 1/2 of lesbian parental unit. the second half came galloping past later. both began some interesting banter about needing to re-roof the house this summer. i laughed outloud. after that i stopped paying attention. it was the thought of these two attempting to climb ladders withou a purpose of hanging pride banners, that forced my concentration to the task at hand. that or the fucking rodent in the cart that blew my ear drums apart. my next task is to conquer what he have already conquered.

im looking onwards to the corner of the store that i like to call, "Food From Places We Beat In Wars" ... you know it as "foreign foods". its comical how they have been arranged in historically accurate order, England (1812), Mexico (1848), Italian, German (1945), and various Orientals (1954, 1975)... but i guess the casual shopper never notices what the trained eye does. instead i poke around examing the differences in refried beans as some fratfags approach on my six. "dude, i barfed once, and it looked like beans" "heh heh" "heheh" too bad they dont understand the patriots of our great country, that brutalized the world to bring them the metaphor they so eloquently attempt to employ. i know better. i took 2 cans, and shed a tear for my fallen countrymen who died in the glorious pursuit of finding finest vittels the Third World could offer.

soda. something universal. until you find the packaging we carry it in nowadays. dont even start me on the flavorings. after looking up and down 3 aisles, i found ZERO 24 can cases of soda. but i did find 8 can packages of CC2 and Edge Pepsi... both something the shitsniffing lowcarb freaks seem to be half-qwenching their carb starved thirsts with... regular mountain dew, in the shit massive quantitiy i desire was AWOL. beer however was plentiful in brands from here to australia, and even some in countries that havent been UN recognized... shouldnt surprise me much though. it is a grocery store; but it too lies deep in the heart of the propaganda machine of the People's Republic of Iowa City. its said that Chairman Mao himself enjoys the Atkins friendly heartattack servivings of beef hearts and carbfree cola to wash it down... 2 from every brand... diet carb frees cant be excluded from the glory of the machine. oh let freedom ring!

i wanted frozen pizza. i like mine cheap. none of that high end shit. something not much larger than a dinner plate, similar to cardboard crust, and maybe fewer toppings than area codes this state has, is about my conditions for a choice. next comes price. im not paying more than a 1.50 for a whole thing. fuck you starving assholes in columbia, who have guilted the loyal coffee drinking public into chalking up an extra 4 dollars per can of beans for you.... may your magic fail you in the frozen pizza aisle! for the most part it does. cheap is in style, as im accustomed to. but the selection seems something anti-pneu-america. 4 toppings! fucking 4. in the home of the brave, champion of all wars weve entered, we live in a society constrained to 4 pizza toppings... who'd a thunk it? i grumble and survey the depth of my exoctic flavorings from pepperoni to cheese, while 4 girls saunter past in outlandishly ho-riffic outfits. "god i cant even eat a whole bagel in the mornings, i feel soooo fat!!" . "oh i like so know how you feel Kimberly-Anne, like i was like going to vommit trying to eat that cup of yougrit before we went to Cancun" they pause brielfly to look at my cart while on entertaining cell phones... "oohhh my god. like who eats a whole box of cereal!" im exasperated by the tantalizing possibilities of beef, and hamburger, too much so to notice them. they continue on down the aisle, succumbing to the godlike stature of some dousche's assistant in the meat counter. still woozy from vast matrix of flavorful goodness, i trudge onward to the deli.

now the deli is an interesting specimen. if any part of the grocery store is marketed directly like a true retail venture, this is the place where its done most poorly. with all the choices of meats... hams, turkeys, bacons, sausages, hams, chicken, beef and hams; its hard to find a reason not to go for something cheap, or something with a funny name, or something dipped in some form of curddeling juice/broth. here, the retail venture should entertain us, speak to us, and lead us upwards in the price point to lead to our inherent sense of sophistication. we should ascend to the finer tastes like a Virginia Maple Top Spiral Cut Ham... as it is plainly superior to your Boiled Hamm [yes, the sign is spelled wrong]. for the consumer, it takes reason to make this jump. the deli entourage doesnt satisfy this. as i approach the bomb-proof tempered glass arena of meats; im privy to "oh hi Kimberly-Anne, like you look totally fabulous" "oh hey girl! i havent seen you since Vito's the other night" a true sign of a professional staff is just reeking in the air here, greeting customers by shared drunken experiences. instead i gaze longingly into the piles of splendor before me....then back to the meats; setting my eyes on Cajun country! who knew that shaved meats would accrue such an interesting taste when in the hands of the bastard children of misplaced Frenchmen!!! but indeed, it is something to behold... the powers of Cajun Turkey truely post it beyond the grasp of the Peppered Meat showcase. "so like, who was that HOT guy you took home?" "oh i dunno, like he was like i dunno... im thinking of a different guy i guess" at this point i thought id make my interjection about the differences in the Cajun Dusted and Cajun Spiced Roast Beef's, but i saw that the intellectual nature of their conversation would make my question all too trivial. i walked away with a simple bag of Peppered Turkey Breast, wondering only for what could have been....

there was a minor mishap in the cold liquids section. something involving my kind words for the stockapes oversight in having no whole milk for me to purchase. which was met with a phillosophic, "uh. dude i dont know" indeed it seems the wisdom of this temple of holy etibles seems beyond my comprehension, as does the myriad of tongues in which their priests address such lay people. frustrated, i issued a vocalitiy to the gods perched atop the Olympus of Freezer Coolers; that fucktards should not be premitted to work in dairy. but my cries went un heeded. ashamed i left for the checkouts.

the black angel of iowa city 


well folks i did it. a couple days ago i decided to go check it out. so i found myself standing in the middle of a cemetary, looking up at this huge black bronze angel statue. its neat. its. captivating. it is in a word, brooding. its very.... uninviting. yet i found myself staring at it for the longest time. im some respects im fascinated with the macobre, but this one was more a curiosity than others.... not for what it is, but for what it must mean.

one of my favorite pics.... from the tokyo videos where axl comes back.... kinda like how i just did 

Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Headspace

woah. i havent posted in a quite the while. so long, that blogger changed. eesh.

so where the hell have i been? god i dunno. around. not around. something in between.

i took a 3 week class, so from 8am to 1:30 i was there... then went straight to work to close every night... monday - friday +saturday. that kills you. so i just wasnt in a blogging mood. till now.

im goin to get back into the saddle for it now. just needed a brief pause. things are going to calm down alot as soon as i find a place to live. uhg. yet another pain in my ass. trying to find a place to live, thats somewhat --chokes on the words--- affordable for a single dwelling. heh. yeah right.

anyways. took lots of pictures on a truely scott-like random road trip to burlington. heh. swamps, trailer court CITIES [yes, city hall was in a trailer too!] and the like... like some suspension bridge a "love sick indian maiden" jumped to her death from. but it wasnt built till almost 1900. indians had been killed off in this part of iowa for close to 75 years at that point. but oh well.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20040512/D82GP9B80.html

for so long, ive tried despartely to hold out comment on the question of iraq. but after seeing this. i think my mind is made up. we ARE doing the right thing here people. regardless of how we got in to the mess, or the reasons that may or may not be true, there is most certainly justification for our most concerted effort against these peace hating people. people liken this to vietnam lately; and its not quite that easy. vietnam last for decades. it began in such a secret way, that the american public wasnt even aware of its beginings until after the fist thousand or so were dead. the great pacifist himself, touted and venerated JFK, was the one who started that war for us. so choose carefully any political trappings you might want to be lead by, because it has very little to do with political affiliation, and more to do with justice, and the rule of law. again, im not going to dispute that everything might not have been as clear as possible when we went into this thing, but now, after so long, when the attrocities of the iraq's against americans is becoming clear, why is it people still think anything but for a quick and full scale end to this combat? the man that was killed wasnt a soldier. he wasnt a combatant. he wasnt armed. he wasnt a member of some company. he was simply there to help these people. and they took him hostage. he was there to help rebuild this warland, and they killed him for it. he was denied any and all comforts of the Geneva accords as well as any other regulations for personal safety the international community has on the books. and then he was slaughtered. and they broadcast it publically. now these "people" run around, cheering, smearing themselves with the blood of an innocent man who came a world away to help them into civility. these bloodthirsty savages are ecstatic about it. reveiling in it. something is gravely wrong with this picture. and no one, it seems, is upset about this like i am.

how is it, that we are supposed to deal with these people... and they arent... but of the inhumane creatures that we are faced with? we euthanize raccoons that are rabbid, we destroy dogs that attack humans, but were not supposed to do the same thing to these people? were supposed to allow them to live, and flourish and procreate, as if to say this is alright? the same sorts of foulities have been present for several decades, but all of you here at home feel as though its wrong to see it. in chechnya the islamic separatists have been regularly savaging russian peace keeping forces. without any regard for their humanity, the brutality occurs against any captured man in a russian uniform. or. any man or woman, that is not islamic separatist. in the small islamic malasyian islands, separatists regularly execute and draw and quarter any white faces found, or anyone in uniform. these sorts of things continue to this day in these small countries, and you all deny that it does. people are doing nothing but their duty for their country, and are falling victim to crimes that are so horrific, we sheltered american's simply deny that it occurs... and instead, we simply think its wrong to fight a war with these people. what better people are there to be at war with, is what i ask of you? who better than to die, than those that seek only the death of thier neighbors? why is it just, to you people, to let those savages survive? what more unnatural, inhumane, unjust actions can you find on this earth, that would qualify anyone else as a more worthy target for the business end of a few american artillery pieces? they arent fighting for freedom. they arent fighting for justice. they arent even fighting, as we do in war. they are simply bloodthirsty animals that run loose preying upon whoever they can nab.

sadaam, their political leader, was quite well versed in these kinds of things you know. on many occasions he had heads removed and sent home to families. he thought nothing of it, when he had the kurdish nomads in the north gassed. it was purely "business" when he launched shells that started the Iran-Iraq war. for him, getting a head, pollitically, meant litteraly removing your opponnents. sometimes without reason, sometimes with a made up ones. but it was just to show that he had power. and thats all these images are trying to show us. they are just trying to show us they have the power to be something subhuman. but again, i want us to separate the political nature of this; there is no political body in iraq. these people are mayors or party members. there is nothing formal about their nonexistent political power. do you really think they took a vote on killing this man? no. do you think they sat down and had a formal debate, with members representing a constituency? no. they are just sick animals who enjoy this. it is about brutality. it is about murder. it is about deception. and it is about underhanded killings for the sake of nothing but showing off their ability to do so, all made in the name of Allah. and i ask you, why you nay-sayers feel we should step aside and let this continue? how is it that more people saturate themselves in the filth that is american idol, but retain the idleness of americana against these types of attrocities? you people disgust me that refuse to commit to the notion that yes, although a last resort, this military action against these people is of the imperative. some of you sleep at night, dreaming of a perfect world. what is so perfect about the people that murded that man? or those men? or that family? that journalist? that man who did nothing but drove a fuel truck? the woman that worked to wash dishes that feed private contractors? and so on. and so on. how do you all sleep, with those dreams, and counteract the sanctity of life, with the justness of murder?

the american might has been brought in to END this society. these people have no intention to reform. they have no idea of what a proper order is. and they dont care either. there never was any intention of peace. only of starting new bleedings in the sides of humanity. all they wanted was a fresh place to stab you all. all they want is the power to reign terror to be restored to them. how would you sleep in thier world? how can you sleep in mine? aside from this im speechless. i dont have words to express the hatred that is rising in me, for a people across the world. and i hate them because they hate peace, liberty, and justice. they burn our flags, they spit on the bodies they have murdered, and they parade this kind of filth across the globe. and then they hide behind a god. and this press corps eats it up. its hitting the airwaives for one purpose only; to rally american support away from our actions. that story as above, isnt even being run in many news markets in the united states right now... because many more of you would only feel more solidified like i do, if you saw it. if you knew that man was someones son, someones father. someones brother. and if these savages have no more respect for the sanctity that is human life, then i have no more respect for them as a people. they are nothing but thugs. assassins. cowards. and the scum of this earth. there exists no reason for them to live. and i still dont see how people dont see the justice in our elimination of them. this is something that has to be done.

some random thoughts....


everyone right now is passed out in my living room. nick barfed. but did manage to hit the toilet. there is mountains of fresh skunk quality beer left [something like 30 cans]. ones on the floor, one on a couch, one in a chair. and so far all is quiet. i suppose ill talk about it all later on. for now, im much too lazy to drag out pictures and things taken. that and my massive headache really is preventing me from doing much of anything, as far as labor or intensive though process may be conerned. just, for now, am enjoying the silence of everything.

its kind of an odd thought i suppose, to be surrounded by friends.... quite litterally the bodies are stacked around here.... but to still feel alone. its just a light thought thats breezed through me lately. despite doing things, going places, and honestly not having time to worry about such things... its really just felt lonely to be me. i guess everything ive got has to revolve around me, or something else i dont want to do. be that work, or class, or other people's shit; its very rarely been anything for me. i thought this weekend would have been alot of fun; since its the only one ill have off for quite some time, and its the last one im going to have in town [to say definitely atleast] with several friends. its too bad people no showed the whole festivities. but, for now, they arent the point. i guess i am.

i hate being whiney about it. i hate describing myself in terms of referential pitty, but god it seems fitting. i think since last year ive just been in this rut. for all the obvious positive changes that happened to me, then ended in the shit that it did... just about a year ago to date, its hard to say that everything has just been easy or carefree in my life. i cant deny that its probably an easier life to live that alot of other people have to do... but then again, im sure that alot of people probably wouldnt run right up to change places with me for it either. and i cant figure out why.

one of the things thats been nagging me has just been that sense of being alone. just an idea of feeling lonely. there are entire days where i wont speak to people. no one calls looking for me. instant messenger stays quiet, with no away message up. and its hard not to feel like no one would really care if im even around anymore. hell; my parents took nearly a month before i had to take the initiative to talk to them. even they dont want that much to do with me... or so it feels. because i do understand that i just cant sit and take the end result of peoples [in]actions and make any decisions based on them. however, i also just cant blanketly excuse it either. so instead, im sitting here alone in my room, in the middle of the night, doing nothing about it.

i feel alone, because its true. for so long, i was hurt in a spited way by Someone. i had, quite litterally, spent my life looking to find someone for ME. id gone through all the mickey mouse love story shit that kids, i guess, have to do. i have had more than my share of shit treatment by girls. ive been screamed at, humiliated, dumped, cheated on, and stoodup more times that i think its important to remember. and i dunno that i can say any of it was 100% free from spite. however. lots of things changed last year. this time i entered into a relationship that seemed ready to be made. i felt comfortable with it. i felt secure with it. and i felt like it was something worth staying with. and i guess i was wrong. i was walked out on. and i get left holding on to all the feelings that i presumed wed been sharing. so for along time, i felt just hurt by it. like the first time a bully makes fun of the color of pants you wear to school. you dont know what it means and what it doesnt mean. you just know, that people dont like you... that people laugh at what you have. and in the end, thats kind of what happened to me. everyone here just predisposed of the situation, thought i shouldnt care, and never really bother to look too much beyond the surface of what they imagined to have happend. i guess, being one of the two people that knew better about it all, it made that jump really difficult to make.

it took quite some time before i got out of that hurt stage. just where everything just felt like it was fresh everyday. no only about her, but about me. see, not only did she reject me and her, she rejected [in a way] my dreams, my goals my desires.... and it wasnt just rejection. this time, it was cold. it was controlled and it was hurtfull to the very core of how i wanted things to be. instead of walking away and being done with women forever... as i should have done after high school... i kept sticking it out. finding new girls, with new ways to get to me. and i ran into the last one, and it didnt feel the same. everything felt different/. and it felt right for once. and thats what made it hurt the most. feeling right about wanting to have someone in my life. that was the idea that was snuffed out most harshly by her actions. its hard to reduce it to much less than; no one really wants anything to do with a dream like that; when someone treats you in that way. deep down, i know i still feel that way. its hard to see any kind of evidence other than that around here. this town is fully of the one nighters, the girls that never know your name, the guys that never cared to ask for it. they all go together quite nicely, and no one here seems to want much else. ive had married friends, engaged friends, ethical ones and not so, all succomb to some sort of complication and compromise of their states. me? i never wanted that. i wanted a simple thing. i wanted a girl in my life. i wanted one that would actually look up to me... that would enjoy spending time with me. someone to have, to hold. and i had that for a while. and then it left. and i found myself in a whole iof deep depth.

since then, i staggered on through the summer. left again, largely to myself, i find myself trying to reason things out at 4 am... fucking around with newspapers at an assembly line. or driving up and down the highway for no reason at night. just thinking things to myself, that no one else appearantly wants to hear. i hope im not crazy, when i say that id even talked to myself out loud several times. because i felt lonely. because i had no one else to talk to. because i had no one else to hear me. its hard that way. its really fucking hard to go day to day and make some sort of existence for yourself and be thoroughly alone thought it all. especially when the strongest desire of all is to free yourself from loneliness.

yet again, im here. alone in the dark. and nothings changing.

i cancelled all the online profiles and subscriptions i had. it was costing me something like 30 bucks a month to have my likeness put out on the net and papers to be seen. desparation seems to ask for desparate methods. i think in the course of the year... i had maybe a dozen replies or answers. several were spam. none of them even came close to anything id call atractive. so i felt like a fool for doing it. for spending money like that, to bet against a sure thing. people dont bet on the rainfall anymore. why should i bet some girl would look at me. so i killed it all. and i dont feel any better about stopping it as i did about starting it. its all the same really. because nothing changed.

i kind of wonder how much longer its going to be like this. i would like to ask the gods in the sky, why i have to do this. why its not fair at all. why its so hard to have to stay isolated. . . . when every night i hear the girls out laughing in the darkness. and i sit here looking out the cold glass casements. its just lonely some nights. its hard to say you are a complete person when there is nothing call completed. its strange to go to bed alone every night. its hard waking up and not feeling someone next to you. and its worse when you realize no one wants you to.

im not sure where im going with this anymore. im just rambling. im just complaining. and i feel bad, because i feel so unwanted. its just such a terrible thing to think about everynight alone.


.

oh man.

here is my new geek reccomendation... for anyone needing misc cables and such.... please please please pay attention

callcct.com

thats it. forget ANY and EVERY other vendor on earth. the shit is dirt cheap, good to descent quality, and has FREE SHIPPING. yes FREE.

for 25 bucks, i ended up with a 25 foot roll of s-video cable that i needed for this weekend.... gold ended, mind you. plus a 10 foot usb printer cable... which i actually need for my scanner since the 3 foot one it has wont reach.... and 2, double ended, clear coated rounded ata cables... fucking nasty shit man. 25 bones. staples, ahem, sells the printer cable alone for 24.99 before tax. the s-video cable [6 foot variety only!!!!] is listed at 39.99, and the rounded cables max out at 19 inches, and still run 20 bucks a piece. ill know more when i plug them in... especially the s-video cable, but from handling them and stripping back some of the housing on the ata's, everything looks good. its not supreme, ultra grade cable... which is what the belkin shit at staples is... but then again... even if doesnt work right after a year... im still money ahead. again. for geekly cable needs: www.callcct.com all i aske for my geekly rec' is that you drop me on their refferal. i get nothing for it. just pride. sounds like its a small time mom and pop business, and i know alot of people that need some misc cables... just drop me on it in the comments area of the cart, and order up!


second, for geekly points. turns out we have a specific epson digital projector at work... thats suuuuupppposed to be a dummy inactive, non-working, empty-shell unit for display only..... being bored, and thinking it weighed a bit more than the empty plastic shell should.. i cracked her apart. circuit boards are all intact. as are fans, pins, lens and cabling to the rear pannel connectors. all its missing... is the bulb, and a power supply! FUCKING JACKPOT BITCHES. a 2 thousand dollar projector could well be mine for the price of parts and the headache of dissassembly and mounting. god damn it was cool to see that. its still at work, hahahaha locked up into cabinets that only i and management have keys to, but its my project now. werd.



non geek points. well today was so nice, i cut out of here early and went fishing before work. no pole was necessary. fish were plentiful. 3 bottles of icy cold water, and a public park full of sunbathing single beauties later, fishing was had. i met two girls that were pretty cute. no numbers. but they said they go there all the time. werd. just werd. fuckin' one step closer from somewhere other than depressing singlesville. werd.

s

Zack Wylde/Black Label Society - Crazy or High

blah. ducks are phunnie how often do you see elephants, or cougars wading through rain puddles in the middle of town? not nearly as often as ducks. funny critters. this one started quacking at me as i was taking his picture. didnt seem like an angry quack, more along the lines of, --- hey what up? ---- quacking. its so nice walking to class and seeing animal life. atleast animals of the non-student variety. they are plentiful in the library late at night, as ive found. lots of them can be found wearing next to nothing, or like the girl tonight did, just flat out wearing pants that cant cover up your underwear. they were some kind of funky stretch pants that :::gasp:::: happened to be about 3 inches shorter than necessary... so instead of pulling them up and going high-water, she pulled them down, and made sure everyone could see her slutty underpants. it would have been enjoyable. had she not been disgusting. heu. vae victis! alas even.

well ive considerably added to my cd collection... last weeks new arrivals included new albums from Zack Wylde, In Flames, Fear Factory, Anti-Flag, and Machine Head. i must say, that the only cd thats really disappointed me was Anti-Flag. i listen to AFI, so i guess im spoiled, it somewhat ruins punk now... especially the overtly political variety. Machine Head's cd isnt as good as i anticipated. its still absolutely KILLER. but it had more potential. several tracks just seem to be produced better than others, as is typical of the band. all in all its worth a buy. its up there with The More Things Change, as far as being up to snuff. Fear Factory's album has very good moments. but it is decidedly missing Dino. several riffs just seem too bland. Dino tended to keep things pretty tricky as far as rythm went. still.... i have several songs in my head from that album. In Flames cd is better in some respects than i thought. its much more pop-metalish. although i liked the direction the last two albums were going in, this one is away from that. much more tamed. more sellable. its quite good. its just different. and.. something very uncharacteristic... several songs sound the same. every In Flames album has had very distinct tracks to my ear... doesnt feel so this time around. last is Zack Wylde/Black Label Society. dont buy this album, if you are expecting anything like his last 3. youll be sorely surprised, and probably only like 2 tracks of the 16. but. for the daring. this is a great cd. veeeeeery musical. zack is actually singing at the piano on acouple tracks. very different from what theyve done. i can tell hes itching to do something more as a musician... and if his work with Ozzy has taught him anything, you cant play with the volume at 11 all the time.

thank god class shit has finally slowed down for me. all i have to worry about now is latin's day to day stuff, and finals. the group project tonight didnt go quite as expected. the class of 35 turned into a dozen that stayed for it. prolly 5 read the book. 3 had opinions on it. the hour slid by remarkably fast however. i didnt cover all the material on my sheet. let alone hit my rant notes. its so hard not to feel preachy on some of this stuff. but i had to let the kids talk about it. too bad they missed about every interesting point there was about the chapter selections given to us. when i mention a few that i caught, the professor was nodding vigorously and taking copious notes. when the kids and my partners talked, his pen went back into his pocket. prof. mueller even congradulated me on a good job after class. i think only prof santorro has ever done that. maybe thats good. i got an A in santorro's class.... maybe here too.

this weekend appears to be my last one off for quite some time. so it has been decided. the 1st Annual Bad Beer, Bad Movie Marathon is going to commence on saturday afternoon, sometime slightly after lunch. invitations are going to be shot out fairly quickly. seating is limited, those that just show up will have no place to sit, and no beer to drink. but all the bad movies are worth watching. matt and i need to work out the beer list, but the movies have a nice pool to draw from.... expect such endearing works as...

Black Gestapo. Commando. Shaft Out Of Africa. Universal Soldier. Chino [with Charles Bronson] among others. should be a good time. like i said... look for invites to come out. no camping grounds are going to be available... so plan on crashing out at otherpeople's houses. parking is going to be a nightmare. so for now park a block down at the city park. but the fun should start sometime at my place after 1ish. drooooool with anticipation.

..

hahahahahahahahah

slashdot has a hillarious post on what computer programers should earn..... the best part is about 6 posts down.. where some man complains about living off of 45 grand per year as a programmer... he mentions with a family that might not be enough.. ill give him that.. but the kicker.. "45k is probably plenty if you life in iowa or oklahoma or something like that"

hahahahahahahahahaha


its especially funny because its true.

why wont this semester just END... now preferably. even when it does, i dont have much to look forward to. im pretty burnt out on classes right now, but im going to turn around and take a 3 week class as soon as these are done. then. and only then. do i get a break from the crap. ugh. so tired of everything. everyday attendance. required homework. pointless lectures. worthless classmates that never do discussion. end. now. die. wretched courses. and courselike materials.

mom told me to keep telling myself that ive only got 3 classes. 3 freaking classes left now. 2 latin. 1 soc. soc will be done in 3 weeks after my semester ends. then 2 latin classes. 2. i have waited so long to be done with school. im really tired of the undergraduate system. the professors. the students. at this point id be happy just to work for a while. even if it is a crap job. school just infuriates me anymore. ill never earn squat with a bachelors degree. and ill earn even les without it. just 3 more classes. plus 3 weeks. 3 and 3. in fact. if i am prone to suicide. i could double up the latins. be out of here in december. but im not going to. i guess i need the pain. for some reason or another. 3 and 3. just 3 and 3 left to go.




so on onther, non whining thoughts. ...... ...... ...... .... .. .. . . . . .


the rain was beautiful today. i guess im a fucked up person, but i love it when it rains. nice gentle rain. constant deluge. honestly its the best time to walk around and think. or even not think. just walk around. everything stays so cool and crisp. and the constant sound of water is nice to hear. even if it soaks everything in your back pack. twice per day.

http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/3fb9b8b0_1848f/bc/6ba9/__sr_/dd3a.jpg?ph5SghAB2QblKNkK

pretty wet flowers.


3 and 3.

ouch. yet another sign of getting older: attending peoples: 'i got a real job and have to move away' parties. thats the second one ive had to go to this year, and its only 4 months into it. kinda sad. its really good for jimmy though... that kid really needed to get a real job... he just can work at staples his whole life. yet on the other hand, hes made my job a bit easier. now ive lost the last person in the store that could halfway sell plans and do things. again, i stress, its good for him. it is necessary, and its proper for him to move on in this way. hes got a terrible situation with his roommates, so its a good time to get out while he can. but i feel sorry for the kid when all his friends fill two small tables at a bar. and half of them can leave in one car. so the crew from work, their girlfriends, and me; all sat around talking. i ended up talking with tj's girlfriend at the bar for over an hour. shes a cool person. alot different than the type of girl i was expecting tj to have. but like 10 minutes into it, i just get the impression that i dont see them staying together. again, shes not the kind of girl i expected him to have... shes much too home centered and... honestly just more marriage material than i think the guy wants. but thats something else i shouldnt tread far on to. instead, it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex. tj never noticed either.

other random thoughts.... im pretty well fed up with this semester and its classes. latin not as much as the rest, believe it or not. i actually enjoy some of it... despite being really bad at it. nevertheless, im not looking forward to the next couple to finish it out. soc i hate now. atleast albonettis class. with this awful paper. im still trying to figure out how specific i need to be on this rather ambiguous topic. its not working out well. and its due in a matter of hours at this point. great. plus the class in general i dont like. she focuses waaaaaay too much on the text. reading everything, analyzing and remembering everything. id like it much better from a basic philosophical sense. that or at the most minute micro level of impact on the individuals. this in between somewhat theoretical, somewhat scientific halfassing gets really abstract when it shouldnt, and becomes specific at the wrong times. cant wait for this class to be over.

lately i started writing again. usually on lunch breaks, or waiting to go punch in at work. just random snipets of stories and ideas.... nothing really too personal. nothing much about mylife. just ficticious stories that would be nice to elaborate on someday. when i do have the time. just in my mind, i can forsee a really good script coming out of a couple of these.... all kinda based off a dream i had the other night. no. not the one about the dog sex! it was one about war.. about being sent to war and having nothing much to come home to. how does a man fight in a war, in that state? does he go all out. does he stay cautious. is he ambitious. those kind of things. anyway, it just was one of those transport dreams... where you end up transported to some other time and place.... still being yourself.. just in unfamiliar territory. and i remember being in the country side, being attached to a unit that was moving out to reinforce an area the next morning. and i can remember hearing all the guys sit and talk about wives and girlfriends and how they are buying a house, or going to give her a ring when they get back. i can remember that i didnt have anything to say. but i just kept thinking about myself, and how id have none of that to do. id have no place to come back to. and the odds were, alot of these guys with plans, with lives, were going to end up dead the next day.... and if i would live.... how fair would that seem? to them. and to me. and after that i dont remember much else. just more of the principle of it all. of death and dying. of families and of legacy. so i found my self thinking about that the other morning before work. sitting in my car, watching all the families streaming into walmart on a bright saturday morning. thinking about how rewarding that would be to go back to. to walk into . to have. to have a place, to have some one, to have someones' that just wanted you back. i thought about iraq. i thought about how i talked late one night awhile ago with a certain person, about how if push came to shove, id go. how even if i might not agree, if my country asked, i would go. and she cried about that. i didnt think much about it at the time. now i guess i kind of am. i can see my mom being really angry with me if i did it. fighting wars is one thing, but not something her son should do. but then again, i guess once in a great while. fighting wars has to become everyones job. sometimes you cant play favorites when it comes down to it. people just have to do it. that doesnt make it fair though. and thats what i wrote about. how its not fair for one man to die that has everything ahead of him, and another to live that has nothing. sometimes i wonder about how id deal with a situation like that. who would i ever write sappy letters to... who would ever cry for me when left. whod ever want to rush up to the airport to see me home. its an intersting view, thats just stuck with me.

alot on my mind i guess. some of it i cant talk about. but saying that almost makes it worse, on the person that cant talk. you know? to walk around and think about whats going on, and wonder about it all... and never be able to say something. just to wonder how they will make it through. sometimes you just want to let it out, and you cant. it was said, and now it cant be. and it shouldnt be. i just wish it wouldnt matter to me. i wish i could have just said: wow, whatever i dont really care- but i cant do that. not something like that. just weights you down. deeper . and lower. everything changes in a heartbeat i suppose. lifetimes begin and end. all you get to take with you is those memories you had, and all the things you regret never doing. and im still on the latter it seems.

Current Musical Selection: In Flames - Zombie Inc

well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.

which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.

i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.

so what else is supposed to happen today?

Current Musical Selection: Katalina - Carpe Diem

well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.

lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.