ouch. yet another sign of getting older: attending peoples: 'i got a real job and have to move away' parties. thats the second one ive had to go to this year, and its only 4 months into it. kinda sad. its really good for jimmy though... that kid really needed to get a real job... he just can work at staples his whole life. yet on the other hand, hes made my job a bit easier. now ive lost the last person in the store that could halfway sell plans and do things. again, i stress, its good for him. it is necessary, and its proper for him to move on in this way. hes got a terrible situation with his roommates, so its a good time to get out while he can. but i feel sorry for the kid when all his friends fill two small tables at a bar. and half of them can leave in one car. so the crew from work, their girlfriends, and me; all sat around talking. i ended up talking with tj's girlfriend at the bar for over an hour. shes a cool person. alot different than the type of girl i was expecting tj to have. but like 10 minutes into it, i just get the impression that i dont see them staying together. again, shes not the kind of girl i expected him to have... shes much too home centered and... honestly just more marriage material than i think the guy wants. but thats something else i shouldnt tread far on to. instead, it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex. tj never noticed either.
other random thoughts.... im pretty well fed up with this semester and its classes. latin not as much as the rest, believe it or not. i actually enjoy some of it... despite being really bad at it. nevertheless, im not looking forward to the next couple to finish it out. soc i hate now. atleast albonettis class. with this awful paper. im still trying to figure out how specific i need to be on this rather ambiguous topic. its not working out well. and its due in a matter of hours at this point. great. plus the class in general i dont like. she focuses waaaaaay too much on the text. reading everything, analyzing and remembering everything. id like it much better from a basic philosophical sense. that or at the most minute micro level of impact on the individuals. this in between somewhat theoretical, somewhat scientific halfassing gets really abstract when it shouldnt, and becomes specific at the wrong times. cant wait for this class to be over.
lately i started writing again. usually on lunch breaks, or waiting to go punch in at work. just random snipets of stories and ideas.... nothing really too personal. nothing much about mylife. just ficticious stories that would be nice to elaborate on someday. when i do have the time. just in my mind, i can forsee a really good script coming out of a couple of these.... all kinda based off a dream i had the other night. no. not the one about the dog sex! it was one about war.. about being sent to war and having nothing much to come home to. how does a man fight in a war, in that state? does he go all out. does he stay cautious. is he ambitious. those kind of things. anyway, it just was one of those transport dreams... where you end up transported to some other time and place.... still being yourself.. just in unfamiliar territory. and i remember being in the country side, being attached to a unit that was moving out to reinforce an area the next morning. and i can remember hearing all the guys sit and talk about wives and girlfriends and how they are buying a house, or going to give her a ring when they get back. i can remember that i didnt have anything to say. but i just kept thinking about myself, and how id have none of that to do. id have no place to come back to. and the odds were, alot of these guys with plans, with lives, were going to end up dead the next day.... and if i would live.... how fair would that seem? to them. and to me. and after that i dont remember much else. just more of the principle of it all. of death and dying. of families and of legacy. so i found my self thinking about that the other morning before work. sitting in my car, watching all the families streaming into walmart on a bright saturday morning. thinking about how rewarding that would be to go back to. to walk into . to have. to have a place, to have some one, to have someones' that just wanted you back. i thought about iraq. i thought about how i talked late one night awhile ago with a certain person, about how if push came to shove, id go. how even if i might not agree, if my country asked, i would go. and she cried about that. i didnt think much about it at the time. now i guess i kind of am. i can see my mom being really angry with me if i did it. fighting wars is one thing, but not something her son should do. but then again, i guess once in a great while. fighting wars has to become everyones job. sometimes you cant play favorites when it comes down to it. people just have to do it. that doesnt make it fair though. and thats what i wrote about. how its not fair for one man to die that has everything ahead of him, and another to live that has nothing. sometimes i wonder about how id deal with a situation like that. who would i ever write sappy letters to... who would ever cry for me when left. whod ever want to rush up to the airport to see me home. its an intersting view, thats just stuck with me.
alot on my mind i guess. some of it i cant talk about. but saying that almost makes it worse, on the person that cant talk. you know? to walk around and think about whats going on, and wonder about it all... and never be able to say something. just to wonder how they will make it through. sometimes you just want to let it out, and you cant. it was said, and now it cant be. and it shouldnt be. i just wish it wouldnt matter to me. i wish i could have just said: wow, whatever i dont really care- but i cant do that. not something like that. just weights you down. deeper . and lower. everything changes in a heartbeat i suppose. lifetimes begin and end. all you get to take with you is those memories you had, and all the things you regret never doing. and im still on the latter it seems.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Current Musical Selection: In Flames - Zombie Inc
well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.
which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.
i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.
so what else is supposed to happen today?
well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.
which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.
i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.
so what else is supposed to happen today?
Monday, April 05, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Katalina - Carpe Diem
well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.
lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.
well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.
lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Nirvana - Been A Son
so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.
today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.
people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.
so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.
today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.
people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Toxic
sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?
what else.. something else... gotta be...
ah .
i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.
its your love thats toxic
i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.
hmmm..
i know i wanted to put something else down here.
and i cant think of crap.
i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?
s.
sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?
what else.. something else... gotta be...
ah .
i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.
its your love thats toxic
i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.
hmmm..
i know i wanted to put something else down here.
and i cant think of crap.
i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?
s.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
something about waiting over an hour for your professor to show up late to their office hours isnt right. especially when it concerns a students grade, and it was known said student would be there at the begining of office hours. what else? i had to READ to her. she cant read my writing. best yet, shes shaking her head and making faces as i read it. she doesnt even like my point of view... which is factual. just explaining Emile Durkheim, as it was explained to me, by her, in class. not good. stupid fucking professors.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
magister marce had an interesting point, that i just unearthed from my notes tonight. after reading catullus and his lovely [hack] poetry, he added a line...
were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.
that made me think.
i wonder.
that maybe.
some day.
if people...
find this....
read it
read it again
and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.
not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?
sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.
were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.
that made me think.
i wonder.
that maybe.
some day.
if people...
find this....
read it
read it again
and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.
not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?
sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
first reason; "in all my years, this is possibly the worst handwritting i have ever attempted to grade. i couldn't even attempt to grade it. "
and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.
second reason. shes pretty biased.
for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.
or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.
i hate this university. deeply.
and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.
second reason. shes pretty biased.
for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.
or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.
i hate this university. deeply.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Angie [cover]
well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.
well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.
i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.
so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.
but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time
the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.
so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.
in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.
well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.
well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.
i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.
so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.
but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time
the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.
so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.
in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rainbow - Rising.
sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.
some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.
s
sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.
some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.
s
Monday, February 09, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rancid - White Knuckle Ride
well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.
ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.
s c o t t
well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.
ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.
s c o t t
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
elizabeth. my lordy. shes cute, shes blonde, shes thin, shes quiet, shes intelligent, she likes hard rock, she draws, shes hot, shes sensible, and shes in my latin class. thats the only downfall i suppose. i hate wanting girls from class. it never works out right. the rhetoric girls, the lit girl, the one from calc... none of these are good indications of success at this thing. that and shes young. younger than i should be looking at. still lives in the dorm. still calls mommy and daddy as such. but she looks over at me alot in class. often adds that constant hair flip and play. shes just suggesting that i watch more. ... ... ... and i do. sometimes i feel guilty doing that. falling for the same old tricks, in the same old ways. ill do the same old thing, and nothing will ever happen. nothing good atleast. this past year i even learned that doing everything different, and doing everything right still wont let you keep happiness. someone has to throw it away for you, if you dont. so i dont know. i do know shes very, very attractive to me. i guess thats hard to describe. most people could pick my outward type of person, but a precious few would know the inward type of person i look for. she seems like it. but then again, not so much like it. in her eyes, its a bit empty... more so than id like it to be. because that means something else to me. but there seems to be something alive in there. something interesting about her. but its altogether challenging to tell. she readily entices me to observe and flirt, but will not look on in the same way. more of a welcoming motion in, but wishing not to be welcomed herself. it is interesting. kinda like how im asserting all this from just looking at her in class. its all a game to her. moving spots everyday in a classroom the size of livingroom... the constant - hes not watching me watch him- glances. and the pretending not to see me, while still watching glances. it is nothing but a cruel, cruel game. a game of chance. a chance at something that is nothing more than a faux battle of witts and superiority of mind's precarious nature of the fleeting happiness and and lust that maintain our purpose for playing the game. its a smaller dinner cracker when you need a meal. and it is all very, very exhausting. but i digress away from the point of concern.
which...
is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.
s
arria. o dei immortales!
which...
is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.
s
arria. o dei immortales!
Monday, February 02, 2004
... and the Machine Head plays on.
so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?
so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?
Sunday, February 01, 2004
i am your.. nightmares, true scares. that dream where you cant stop from fallin'
you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.
i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;
i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough
eventhough youll try and try...
because..
i am the thing..
bringing the feelings.
when
your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.
when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*
extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.
it never was supposed to be.
* Machine Head - Crashing Around You
you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.
i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;
i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough
eventhough youll try and try...
because..
i am the thing..
bringing the feelings.
when
your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.
when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*
extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.
it never was supposed to be.
* Machine Head - Crashing Around You
Monday, January 19, 2004
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
so here ya caught me in a coma.
and i dont think i wanna...
ever come back
to this world again.
kinda like it in a coma...
cuz no ones ever gunna...
ohhhhh
make me come back to this
world again.
sorta feels if im floatin away...
i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.
but my body's callin... my body's callin....
and i dont think i wanna...
ever come back
to this world again.
kinda like it in a coma...
cuz no ones ever gunna...
ohhhhh
make me come back to this
world again.
sorta feels if im floatin away...
i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.
but my body's callin... my body's callin....
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - 19th Nervous Breakdown
lots of hell is breaking loose around work.
first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.
then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.
lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?
lots of hell is breaking loose around work.
first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.
then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.
lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Underneath It All
well... interesting day.
im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.
parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.
so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.
but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.
then it was time for birthday-bed-time.
well... interesting day.
im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.
parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.
so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.
but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.
then it was time for birthday-bed-time.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Saturday, January 03, 2004
wow.
today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...
new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.
work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....
today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...
new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.
work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....
Saturday, December 27, 2003
haha. survived yet another xmas onslaught. did my shopping in the most record time yet... 1 day. in 3 stops. cant beat that? still came in under budget. everyone is happy. god. i think i might have done something right for once this year. time went fast though, that last week. now im holed up at the parents house for a few days. very little else has gone on lately. found out my winter-term class was cancelled, so now ill spend all break working. id much rather have gotten that last class done with, now ill have to pick it up with others... hopefully i can find a way out of a 17 semester hour spring term. im done doing that much busy work at once in my undergrad career. so instead im camping out for a few days here. davenport has changed. streets in new places. walmarts in new places. added a home depot here too. lots of random crap and capital improvements around the place. i noticed alot of it coming into town. i took the scott way home, cutting through gravel and county roads, and eventually meandering back through town to the house. saw lots. its funny like that. the more things can change, the more it can feel like home. more ironic than funny i suppose. sorry. its a short post. more sometime soon. dial up eats my butt.
tHe SkizzOtt
tHe SkizzOtt
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Current Musical Selection: A Perfect Circle - A Stranger
interesting situation arose at work tonight. for whatever reason a customer bought a label maker that was supposed to be 17 bucks.. its normally 50. well the cashier rang it up with the wrong numbers, swapped a couple, and comes up with some kind of trapper-binder think thats like 9 bucks. of course the cashier had no idea about the ad or the items in it... so they person, knowing its rung up wrong, says nothing and walks out with it. that was two weeks ago. come yesterday, the customer wants to bring it back and get money back for it. ofcourse we cant do it because the item isnt on his receipt. staples caves in. we realize the SKU was flipped, so they are willing to give him up to the 17 bucks back, even though he only paid 9. but the item isnt 9 dollars anymore. its 50 once again. he now demands 50 bucks. the cashier calls me up. i say go to hell. i call the manager up. she says well only do the 17... and told him... seeing as its double what he paid, he ought to take it. i let it slip that the item is actually 50 now. the customer stops. says. see ya. ill keep it then. fast forward to today. customer comes back in, demands the 50 bucks back. we say no. 17 only. customer takes all names down, and copies of the paper work, and is writing a letter of complaint to corporate against me and the manager. interesting situation to be in. i dont really care much about it. but it got me and the manager talking for 20 minutes about morales and ethics involved with it all. especially how the double standard exists. how its acceptable for the customer to say nothing when he pays half what he should, and doesnt correct it. but how its unacceptable for us not to give him double of THAT back later on. at what point are you being unethical when you change your intentions of a returrning an item when you find out the value of the item changes. besides, doesnt have to become highly unethical to then argue to get double what is owed to you, when you have no claim to it?
besides which, it parallels another circumstance at work for me. a girl who im somewhat friends with has been sicking out of work, on average, a day a week. lately shes gone over a week straight without showing up. management, who likes me, told me shes going to be fired for it. that they are waiting for a call back from corporate HR in Mass. to hear how to do it best. so do i have any ethical responsibility to tell the girl shes going to be canned? what if i said shes been working for the company for 4 years? what if i said shes been doing this for all 4 years? what if i said shes a good worker? what if i said shes never very good at her job? what if i said shes coming from a broken home? what if i said her boyfriend is a [convicted] drug-dealer? what if i said i felt sorry for her? and what if i said she does drugs too? makes the story quite interesting to think about. each layer to the story is true. all in all, while it may be moral for me to tell her, its not necessarily ethically required that i do so. well.. i guess not. i have to remind myself that what i was told by management was priviliged. as was the information i did not relay to them about her. any of which would likely only expediate the process. so i guess im not going to say anything. i can say she deserves to be fired. but honestly, she doesnt deserve to stay employed either. such and interesting day.
also got one nice compliment. i sold some guy a 400 dollar digital camera and shit to go with it, plus a plan on it. he told me he got hit by a master salesman. laughed when he said it, and just said its easy to do with good quality products. he laughed. he told me hes sold insurance for 30 years, he said he knew a good salesman when he heard one. that was pretty cool to hear. i guess i never consider myself to be a salesman. just someone that answers questions and moves shit around. but i guess i am. ive sold more in warranties than ive earned in wages. and i dont make a penny for it. i guess... if i did, id consider myself more of a salesman. intersting thoughts today.
interesting situation arose at work tonight. for whatever reason a customer bought a label maker that was supposed to be 17 bucks.. its normally 50. well the cashier rang it up with the wrong numbers, swapped a couple, and comes up with some kind of trapper-binder think thats like 9 bucks. of course the cashier had no idea about the ad or the items in it... so they person, knowing its rung up wrong, says nothing and walks out with it. that was two weeks ago. come yesterday, the customer wants to bring it back and get money back for it. ofcourse we cant do it because the item isnt on his receipt. staples caves in. we realize the SKU was flipped, so they are willing to give him up to the 17 bucks back, even though he only paid 9. but the item isnt 9 dollars anymore. its 50 once again. he now demands 50 bucks. the cashier calls me up. i say go to hell. i call the manager up. she says well only do the 17... and told him... seeing as its double what he paid, he ought to take it. i let it slip that the item is actually 50 now. the customer stops. says. see ya. ill keep it then. fast forward to today. customer comes back in, demands the 50 bucks back. we say no. 17 only. customer takes all names down, and copies of the paper work, and is writing a letter of complaint to corporate against me and the manager. interesting situation to be in. i dont really care much about it. but it got me and the manager talking for 20 minutes about morales and ethics involved with it all. especially how the double standard exists. how its acceptable for the customer to say nothing when he pays half what he should, and doesnt correct it. but how its unacceptable for us not to give him double of THAT back later on. at what point are you being unethical when you change your intentions of a returrning an item when you find out the value of the item changes. besides, doesnt have to become highly unethical to then argue to get double what is owed to you, when you have no claim to it?
besides which, it parallels another circumstance at work for me. a girl who im somewhat friends with has been sicking out of work, on average, a day a week. lately shes gone over a week straight without showing up. management, who likes me, told me shes going to be fired for it. that they are waiting for a call back from corporate HR in Mass. to hear how to do it best. so do i have any ethical responsibility to tell the girl shes going to be canned? what if i said shes been working for the company for 4 years? what if i said shes been doing this for all 4 years? what if i said shes a good worker? what if i said shes never very good at her job? what if i said shes coming from a broken home? what if i said her boyfriend is a [convicted] drug-dealer? what if i said i felt sorry for her? and what if i said she does drugs too? makes the story quite interesting to think about. each layer to the story is true. all in all, while it may be moral for me to tell her, its not necessarily ethically required that i do so. well.. i guess not. i have to remind myself that what i was told by management was priviliged. as was the information i did not relay to them about her. any of which would likely only expediate the process. so i guess im not going to say anything. i can say she deserves to be fired. but honestly, she doesnt deserve to stay employed either. such and interesting day.
also got one nice compliment. i sold some guy a 400 dollar digital camera and shit to go with it, plus a plan on it. he told me he got hit by a master salesman. laughed when he said it, and just said its easy to do with good quality products. he laughed. he told me hes sold insurance for 30 years, he said he knew a good salesman when he heard one. that was pretty cool to hear. i guess i never consider myself to be a salesman. just someone that answers questions and moves shit around. but i guess i am. ive sold more in warranties than ive earned in wages. and i dont make a penny for it. i guess... if i did, id consider myself more of a salesman. intersting thoughts today.
Friday, December 05, 2003
last night was such a beautiful night to walk home. so quiet and peaceful out. no cars. no people. nothing at all, but the freshly fallen snow. just a quiet, pristine world around me. although it took a while to regain my snow-legs.... but once i did, it was worth it taking the long walk home. cold air didnt matter. nor the wind. not on a night like that. a night where all the mistakes of mothernature are covered over in a new fresh blanket of purity. the green grass stuck out in places, and sure not all the trees have lost their leaves yet. but it was all concealed if not for the first time this season. the first snowfall is really remarkable. it changes alot of things. it changes our clothing, our eating habbits, how we walk, when we go to things, it dictates what we can and cant do for plans. but i still couldnt help but think about that little curiousity. where fresh white snow, is pulled across the earth like a veil over what lies before us, all is hidden and replaced with this image. no matter what the truth may be, how green that grass is, how soggy the soil, or warm the pavement, the fresh white snow hides all from our eyes. its a clean start. its demanding of something more than words, yet the more i think about it, the fewer words i can come up with to describe those non-verbal thoughts. hidden away underneath is the coating she wants us to see. fresh, new.
tomorrow is interesting. its Lsat day. im kind of worried. im worried about worrying for the things i cant change. that test is designed to show me, no matter what type or amount of preparation, what type of true skills i have, that are valuable in deciding, for me, a career in law. and i cant change that. nor the test. and probably not how i even respond to the questions. i worry about that a great deal. everyone i know is wishing me luck on it; but luck wont matter much... not nearly as much as whats inside of me.
and for those keeping score at home, i did manage to get the phone number from that hot volleyball player. oh yeah!
tomorrow is interesting. its Lsat day. im kind of worried. im worried about worrying for the things i cant change. that test is designed to show me, no matter what type or amount of preparation, what type of true skills i have, that are valuable in deciding, for me, a career in law. and i cant change that. nor the test. and probably not how i even respond to the questions. i worry about that a great deal. everyone i know is wishing me luck on it; but luck wont matter much... not nearly as much as whats inside of me.
and for those keeping score at home, i did manage to get the phone number from that hot volleyball player. oh yeah!
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Hanoi Rocks - Delerious
after another long class period of listening to people's sad tales of woeful mistreatment of the nations' immigrants, i feel as though there is nothing i can do to clearly state my boredom with it all. for once, it would be nice for people to accept the bare presentation of fact that exists in the business world, and in the social world around us. lets kill a couple of happy cloud dreams shall we? i pick one such group; but you can make very similar arguments for any unseccessfully included immigrant group in this nation.
mexican-americans, are earning signifficantly less money than caucasian americans, even less than other immigrants from other countries [besides central america]
mmmhmm. this has quite a bit to do with 4 main areas; language, social mobility and social connection, legal immigration status, job market competition. the biggest reason so many of these people earn statistically less is because so many are jobless, or can only except extremely low paying jobs. why? look above again. legal immigration status is the largest reason. in the post 9-11 days, we will find it continually less likely to slide past or around any sorts of immigration laws or identification procedures. in fact, even my company is asking for 2 forms of identification to process my check, and they know who i am. being able to prove legitimate emmigration [notice, not immigration] status is important, and it always has been. without proving status, its next to impossible to find employment past season labor, or something that will require high turnover [and likely low pay to match], or a field of work given exception by the federal government [some states as well; but mainly their few and far between now... used to be popular in California, Arizona, Texas, and across to the midwest for the growing seasons]. so if you cant prove you can legitimately work here, you wont be allowed to. lets also put the statistic out there that Mexican-Americans are sighted as having the largest rate of illegal immigration status in this country. thats a problem. second, they arent speaking the language of higher wage employment. should they be able to find a job, its going to be in a connected field of work or similar comfort zone where they wont be risking their [un]nationalized status. ie- working for a lawn care service or meat packing house that employs large amounts of known illegals. it could also include family ties... working at a local shop a family member owns, which would likely not report the income and wages to the IRS, and instead pay in cash. this is true for many other ethnicities as well. asian-americans have been doing this for generations; with stereotypical restaraunts and the like employing the entire family off one or few legalized citizens. the problem mexican-americans are facing that other groups are not, are their reluctance to ever file for citizenship. its then this social mobility and connection that prevents upward mobility, capping high wage earners to small, small numbers. the immigrants are forced to stay with in these lower wage, but more secure [legally wise] and comfortable circles for employment; which as a whole are not high wage areas. example. one child from a family starts a market in a spanish neighborhood. several family members follow him later on [illegally], and take up residence and work for them. maybe they also help work at other places in the neighborhood--- but scarcely outside of that. as succuessful as these small enterprised might be; they pale in comparision to the wages that could be earned from a large company... thats not going to be in their neighbor hood. secondly these circles hold them back in mobility as they make no networking connections to higher wage earning communities. example. working at an office supply store will bring you into contact with business owners and company reps, from my company alone 4 individuals in 2 years have left to work for a company by meeting through contacts from our store. you arent going to find the HR director of GE-Westinghouse shopping, randomly, through small town, mexican speaking sections, and exclusive mom and pop stores in ultra urban california. since the interaction is limited with the community, they rarely seek anything beyond minimal contact with necessary areas [walmart, health clinics, police/fire response] so they have cut themselves off from their best asset--- shopping around in the outside market. language is also a barrier. unlike many different emmigrant groups, who do make the attempt to learn english, the mexican-american subculture is largely making no movement for this. infact there is in fact, great resistance to learning english as a whole. why learn it? the isolated innterconnected communites dont use english, and with that limited contact to the outside world, there isnt much need for it. so they refuse to. its also all bundled up in a wicked mix of national identity and race relations, which the liberal movementarians have categorized as a positive image in our society, so we find the country quickly fractionalizing in to small groups, and strongly solidifying into those groups. because its sooo important to be diverse, we have wildly interjected groups of people together with nothing in common, no will to coexist, and no means to come together. the most worsening factor has been gorwing resentment and anxiety between groups forced together. this type of reaction is commonly seen to amount in one of a few ways; and its finding its own way to become solidy. scared of being interjected into a society that doesnt accept them [no english language skills, no legal citizen status, and refusal to move beyond familial relations], they turn inward. they are only strengthening the factors that this diverse worldview is pushing them against. try it on your own. pick a grammar school, 2nd grade students, at a lunch table. separate boys and girls for a week at lunch. then the next week put a 10% mix of girls into the boys group, and vice versa. watch what happens. name calling, isolation, chastisement, abandonment, anger. all of these are common human reactions to the introduction to a new and unfamiliar setting, its no wonder its happening on a much larger scale. then put all of those factors together, and place one person from this group against any other american; and find me an employer is willing to take that immigrant 1 out of 10 times. what business is going to hire an indiviudal that doesnt speak your language, has low levels of education [due to] no legal citizenship, no well connected references, and a growing fear/hostility to the world outside their own? isnt this then easy to see why the wages arent high on average, why the job market outlook is dismal at best? i guess not. these kids are waisting their time trying to prove that pink clouds of happiness really are in a black sky line. use your mind. not the garbage this university feeds you about diverse settings, cultural sensitivity, or positive minds make positive realities. look for the green dollar. who holds it? learn why they have it. youll learn many more truths about the world around you that way, than by ever listening to these people with degrees preaching the get-along- speeches of 30 years ago.
after another long class period of listening to people's sad tales of woeful mistreatment of the nations' immigrants, i feel as though there is nothing i can do to clearly state my boredom with it all. for once, it would be nice for people to accept the bare presentation of fact that exists in the business world, and in the social world around us. lets kill a couple of happy cloud dreams shall we? i pick one such group; but you can make very similar arguments for any unseccessfully included immigrant group in this nation.
mexican-americans, are earning signifficantly less money than caucasian americans, even less than other immigrants from other countries [besides central america]
mmmhmm. this has quite a bit to do with 4 main areas; language, social mobility and social connection, legal immigration status, job market competition. the biggest reason so many of these people earn statistically less is because so many are jobless, or can only except extremely low paying jobs. why? look above again. legal immigration status is the largest reason. in the post 9-11 days, we will find it continually less likely to slide past or around any sorts of immigration laws or identification procedures. in fact, even my company is asking for 2 forms of identification to process my check, and they know who i am. being able to prove legitimate emmigration [notice, not immigration] status is important, and it always has been. without proving status, its next to impossible to find employment past season labor, or something that will require high turnover [and likely low pay to match], or a field of work given exception by the federal government [some states as well; but mainly their few and far between now... used to be popular in California, Arizona, Texas, and across to the midwest for the growing seasons]. so if you cant prove you can legitimately work here, you wont be allowed to. lets also put the statistic out there that Mexican-Americans are sighted as having the largest rate of illegal immigration status in this country. thats a problem. second, they arent speaking the language of higher wage employment. should they be able to find a job, its going to be in a connected field of work or similar comfort zone where they wont be risking their [un]nationalized status. ie- working for a lawn care service or meat packing house that employs large amounts of known illegals. it could also include family ties... working at a local shop a family member owns, which would likely not report the income and wages to the IRS, and instead pay in cash. this is true for many other ethnicities as well. asian-americans have been doing this for generations; with stereotypical restaraunts and the like employing the entire family off one or few legalized citizens. the problem mexican-americans are facing that other groups are not, are their reluctance to ever file for citizenship. its then this social mobility and connection that prevents upward mobility, capping high wage earners to small, small numbers. the immigrants are forced to stay with in these lower wage, but more secure [legally wise] and comfortable circles for employment; which as a whole are not high wage areas. example. one child from a family starts a market in a spanish neighborhood. several family members follow him later on [illegally], and take up residence and work for them. maybe they also help work at other places in the neighborhood--- but scarcely outside of that. as succuessful as these small enterprised might be; they pale in comparision to the wages that could be earned from a large company... thats not going to be in their neighbor hood. secondly these circles hold them back in mobility as they make no networking connections to higher wage earning communities. example. working at an office supply store will bring you into contact with business owners and company reps, from my company alone 4 individuals in 2 years have left to work for a company by meeting through contacts from our store. you arent going to find the HR director of GE-Westinghouse shopping, randomly, through small town, mexican speaking sections, and exclusive mom and pop stores in ultra urban california. since the interaction is limited with the community, they rarely seek anything beyond minimal contact with necessary areas [walmart, health clinics, police/fire response] so they have cut themselves off from their best asset--- shopping around in the outside market. language is also a barrier. unlike many different emmigrant groups, who do make the attempt to learn english, the mexican-american subculture is largely making no movement for this. infact there is in fact, great resistance to learning english as a whole. why learn it? the isolated innterconnected communites dont use english, and with that limited contact to the outside world, there isnt much need for it. so they refuse to. its also all bundled up in a wicked mix of national identity and race relations, which the liberal movementarians have categorized as a positive image in our society, so we find the country quickly fractionalizing in to small groups, and strongly solidifying into those groups. because its sooo important to be diverse, we have wildly interjected groups of people together with nothing in common, no will to coexist, and no means to come together. the most worsening factor has been gorwing resentment and anxiety between groups forced together. this type of reaction is commonly seen to amount in one of a few ways; and its finding its own way to become solidy. scared of being interjected into a society that doesnt accept them [no english language skills, no legal citizen status, and refusal to move beyond familial relations], they turn inward. they are only strengthening the factors that this diverse worldview is pushing them against. try it on your own. pick a grammar school, 2nd grade students, at a lunch table. separate boys and girls for a week at lunch. then the next week put a 10% mix of girls into the boys group, and vice versa. watch what happens. name calling, isolation, chastisement, abandonment, anger. all of these are common human reactions to the introduction to a new and unfamiliar setting, its no wonder its happening on a much larger scale. then put all of those factors together, and place one person from this group against any other american; and find me an employer is willing to take that immigrant 1 out of 10 times. what business is going to hire an indiviudal that doesnt speak your language, has low levels of education [due to] no legal citizenship, no well connected references, and a growing fear/hostility to the world outside their own? isnt this then easy to see why the wages arent high on average, why the job market outlook is dismal at best? i guess not. these kids are waisting their time trying to prove that pink clouds of happiness really are in a black sky line. use your mind. not the garbage this university feeds you about diverse settings, cultural sensitivity, or positive minds make positive realities. look for the green dollar. who holds it? learn why they have it. youll learn many more truths about the world around you that way, than by ever listening to these people with degrees preaching the get-along- speeches of 30 years ago.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - Oh Sister
well i guess i have nothing to worry about. here i was, nevous and unsettled. hoping i could actually cook everything alright. i got up early to start on everything. the bird in the oven at 9am. had real [not minute variety] wild rice going at 10. plus jello and stuff. everything was going well. then the reality sunk in. the nervousness reappeared because no i wasnt so sure that my cooking would be the problem. i hadnt seen her in months. i didnt want to screw this up. just wanted a nice day. forget about everything else. have a nice meal. so two people dont feel so lonely on this day. so i called; as scheduled to, right at 1pm. no answer. wait 10 minutes. call again. nothing. once more 20 minutes later. finally i get an excuse. guess what? a no show. table was set, drinks were poured. im cradling the phone as im carving up the bird. all i was missing was the guest. i hung up. seems like a waste. yeah, it is a waste. 50 bucks worth of food. one person. another day solitude. yet another meal in silence. and i guess i dont know why i try anymore. i tried so fucking hard, just to put everything together at the last minute; because i thought it would be nice. and im sitting at the table by myself. and now im not hungry. im looking at all this food. all the effort it took to get everything set just right, and i cant figure out why. alot of people would cry at this point. and thats ok. i can understand why that would happen. but i didnt. i just let it sit there. and i looked at it. and just tried to figure out why.
thank you to someone for memorable meal that wasnt.
it really was strike three for you.
happy thanksgiving to everyone out there,
hope everyone has better luck than me this year
well i guess i have nothing to worry about. here i was, nevous and unsettled. hoping i could actually cook everything alright. i got up early to start on everything. the bird in the oven at 9am. had real [not minute variety] wild rice going at 10. plus jello and stuff. everything was going well. then the reality sunk in. the nervousness reappeared because no i wasnt so sure that my cooking would be the problem. i hadnt seen her in months. i didnt want to screw this up. just wanted a nice day. forget about everything else. have a nice meal. so two people dont feel so lonely on this day. so i called; as scheduled to, right at 1pm. no answer. wait 10 minutes. call again. nothing. once more 20 minutes later. finally i get an excuse. guess what? a no show. table was set, drinks were poured. im cradling the phone as im carving up the bird. all i was missing was the guest. i hung up. seems like a waste. yeah, it is a waste. 50 bucks worth of food. one person. another day solitude. yet another meal in silence. and i guess i dont know why i try anymore. i tried so fucking hard, just to put everything together at the last minute; because i thought it would be nice. and im sitting at the table by myself. and now im not hungry. im looking at all this food. all the effort it took to get everything set just right, and i cant figure out why. alot of people would cry at this point. and thats ok. i can understand why that would happen. but i didnt. i just let it sit there. and i looked at it. and just tried to figure out why.
thank you to someone for memorable meal that wasnt.
it really was strike three for you.
happy thanksgiving to everyone out there,
hope everyone has better luck than me this year
Saturday, November 22, 2003
procrastinating.
but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...
but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...
Current Musical Selection: Nazareth - Love Hurts
well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.
tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.
well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.
tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Everytime
" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "
well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.
...
there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.
i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.
" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "
well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.
...
there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.
i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - After All The Dead
"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"
"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"
"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"
"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."
"after all. after all. after all. "
bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.
"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"
"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"
"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"
"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."
"after all. after all. after all. "
bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
grand total = 3. this drunk ass flamer thought he could stagger around my apartment building at 2:20 in the morning and get away with it. especially with such memorable words like "help me" "take me out of here" "they are going to get me" he deserves to get his ass hauled away in a squad car. thank you iowa city police department. you do the work that rest of the community takes for granted. to the drunk ass: never, ever come back into my building again like that. and if you ever, ever, ever think try some kind of a threatenting move on me; be prepared to live on a respirator the rest of your unnanatural life, because when i strike to incapacitate; i never miss.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
again.. i detest people that have no personal thoughts, and rely solely upon song lyrics for a post... but.. because it just matches my thoughts right now.
" just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my mind. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."
" trouble always seems to find a way to live inside my mind. my haunted hell and me remain alone. underneath the masquerade is a simple man who's so afraid; i try to find a light to guide me home. mamma please just hold me tight; feeling so afraid tonight, because youre the only one that really knows..."
" that im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my life. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."
" fighting for my sanity. many nights of tragedy. tried to leave my reached remains behind...
" im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces from my mind. running out of faith and hope and reasons... im running out of time."
Ozzy.
" just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my mind. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."
" trouble always seems to find a way to live inside my mind. my haunted hell and me remain alone. underneath the masquerade is a simple man who's so afraid; i try to find a light to guide me home. mamma please just hold me tight; feeling so afraid tonight, because youre the only one that really knows..."
" that im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my life. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."
" fighting for my sanity. many nights of tragedy. tried to leave my reached remains behind...
" im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces from my mind. running out of faith and hope and reasons... im running out of time."
Ozzy.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
and the grand total rises to 2.
2 different people have now felt my rath. first were the potheads, and now... now the tribe of drunks feels the burn. the sheer anger in their drunken stupor as they bitch to the police officer and i, as their out of state car is towed away. too bad fuck heads. "they should have written it down that we cant park here" --- its actually posted in a couple different places dude. "like something id SEE or something man." its a white sign on a dark building; with a bright light 3 inches away from it. "fuck you" - thanks, fuck yourself. have fun cashing in beer bottles for your impound fees.
what a night. what a day.
2 different people have now felt my rath. first were the potheads, and now... now the tribe of drunks feels the burn. the sheer anger in their drunken stupor as they bitch to the police officer and i, as their out of state car is towed away. too bad fuck heads. "they should have written it down that we cant park here" --- its actually posted in a couple different places dude. "like something id SEE or something man." its a white sign on a dark building; with a bright light 3 inches away from it. "fuck you" - thanks, fuck yourself. have fun cashing in beer bottles for your impound fees.
what a night. what a day.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Col Parker - Angel's Run
im starting to get anxious. not in the good way, but in the bad way. im official now; LSATs are coming on Dec 6th, whether im ready or not. probably my last major research presentation on the 12th of Nov for my major, then a possibly make or break latin midterm later that week. not to mention the bullshit busy work inbetween; and ofcourse work its self. it should be an interesting span of days. each is going to impact my life to come [at least for the next few years], so i think im due to be a bit apprehensive about it all. maybe more so im impatient. id rather not sit and study for it, learn it all, or prepare for it. id rather get it all done. its the time inbetween thats driving me insane. i guess its the time between knowing i have to prove myself, and the wait until i can do it; is that which drives me insane. like i said, it should be an interesting span of days for me.
ive intensified my efforts to study; and i fear its not enough. ive logged about 20 hours in the library this week alone [ and its only wednesday], the next few days will be worse im sure. id like to go home and finish my parents computer [its half built, with all parts waiting in my room], but i know im going to want to stay around and get nothing done... and besides, all the materials i need are going to be in the U's library. damn near under lock and key. atleast there is never a line to use the microfilm machines... heh. i bet most of the kids here dont know where they are, much less how to use them. so thank you mom for those years of doing genealogical work; ive learned something usefull [yet again] that college never taught me. go college!
had an interesting conversation with a co-worker tonight. seems im not the only soc major in the town, that detests the place. kendra says shed much rather live outside of city limits. im glad someone else sees this place for what it is. everything i see around here looks the same. i guess immersing myself in research data on the subject isnt too healthy of an indulgence... but neither is walking through beer cups in the hallway each weekend, or dodging the barf stains and broken bottles that cover the sidewalks of the town. *sigh* i know i dont fit in.
its all so hard to say i have a realistic and necessary position in this place; when it appears im so out of place. sitting around eating dinner at 11pm at Village Inn, i hoped to find more people like me. i was wrong. the place was fairly alive and moving with people in pairs and groups. laughing, talking, conversing. i sat alone in a booth in the corner in my silence. i suppose i could have said something, but then again, id be responsible for responding to myself... and that wouldnt look too good. so i did my latin. like a good boy [bona puer], and borrowed from the people around me. i suppose thats what i have to do in order to fit in. live each day like its someone elses to live; and hope that in the end, no one notices i never did.
im starting to get anxious. not in the good way, but in the bad way. im official now; LSATs are coming on Dec 6th, whether im ready or not. probably my last major research presentation on the 12th of Nov for my major, then a possibly make or break latin midterm later that week. not to mention the bullshit busy work inbetween; and ofcourse work its self. it should be an interesting span of days. each is going to impact my life to come [at least for the next few years], so i think im due to be a bit apprehensive about it all. maybe more so im impatient. id rather not sit and study for it, learn it all, or prepare for it. id rather get it all done. its the time inbetween thats driving me insane. i guess its the time between knowing i have to prove myself, and the wait until i can do it; is that which drives me insane. like i said, it should be an interesting span of days for me.
ive intensified my efforts to study; and i fear its not enough. ive logged about 20 hours in the library this week alone [ and its only wednesday], the next few days will be worse im sure. id like to go home and finish my parents computer [its half built, with all parts waiting in my room], but i know im going to want to stay around and get nothing done... and besides, all the materials i need are going to be in the U's library. damn near under lock and key. atleast there is never a line to use the microfilm machines... heh. i bet most of the kids here dont know where they are, much less how to use them. so thank you mom for those years of doing genealogical work; ive learned something usefull [yet again] that college never taught me. go college!
had an interesting conversation with a co-worker tonight. seems im not the only soc major in the town, that detests the place. kendra says shed much rather live outside of city limits. im glad someone else sees this place for what it is. everything i see around here looks the same. i guess immersing myself in research data on the subject isnt too healthy of an indulgence... but neither is walking through beer cups in the hallway each weekend, or dodging the barf stains and broken bottles that cover the sidewalks of the town. *sigh* i know i dont fit in.
its all so hard to say i have a realistic and necessary position in this place; when it appears im so out of place. sitting around eating dinner at 11pm at Village Inn, i hoped to find more people like me. i was wrong. the place was fairly alive and moving with people in pairs and groups. laughing, talking, conversing. i sat alone in a booth in the corner in my silence. i suppose i could have said something, but then again, id be responsible for responding to myself... and that wouldnt look too good. so i did my latin. like a good boy [bona puer], and borrowed from the people around me. i suppose thats what i have to do in order to fit in. live each day like its someone elses to live; and hope that in the end, no one notices i never did.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
hell i suppose theres alot more places you can go with it too... i layed awake for over an hour thinking about some of the relations in the film. take the irony of the Man With No Eyes [who doesnt SPEAK!], and where he shoots Luke... hmm.. someone left an angry message about how Luke couldnt be gay... well... how about how is woman left him, how about how he has to FAKE the picture with women to gain acceptance with the rest of the men, or how Luke seems unaffected by the woman washing the car, and how he doesnt have flashes like the rest of the men in the camp. could it be so far out there to say that Luke is not like everyone else; who are licking the boots of this woman just for memories... selling glances at women in print.. and why everything is a struggle for Luke, how he wont disclose his past, how he yearns to fit in... etc. etc. maybe its just a boring movie about a man fighting with God. maybe its nothing more than a man trying to escape the devil. or just something having to do with death. yes, just death. but there are so many things about the movie that i dont understand... watch it.
kinda like Easy Rider. i watched that one again tonight. the end always gets me. it comes out of no where. i suppose most of the movie doesnt make a hell of alot more sense, even the plot is rather sketchy. i have yet to see the point of showin the opening scenes about the drug deal. instead, it would have made a much more powerful film just assuming these are two normal guys that society cant fathom at its current state [much in the way George's [Jack Nicholson]'s speech iterates]. hell. even George's death isnt very well done. seems like a poor way to get rid of a character used for the commentary in only 2 places. one about the acceptance/rejection of the 60's evolving counterculture; and second to show the lack of effect on a quasi normal person immersed in teh drug culture of the time. remember george questions the weed, gives the answers people popularly assume should deter those from drugs, and still nothing happens to him BECAUSE of the drugs. instead it is the mask of the entire subculture that brings about his death. something --- i stress again--- could have been done in much better ways... like the scene in the dinner... very good. the trip sequence in the graveyard is out of place, and so is the whole shitty 8mm filming sequence that precurses it. just artistic crap. especially the various fades and pans used in the film... nothing more than for art's sake. but the scenery is beautiful for most of the movie. i guess that doesnt make up for the entire lack of plot [other than a druggy road trip]. but it came out at roughly the same time as Cool Hand Luke. both use a very distinct and cliched subculture to make their commentaries about greater society. just some parts of them do it better than others. especially flamming motorcycles shooting across a field. what does that prove again? anyway. watch them both. think about them more than just the pretty pictures. youll realize a few more things about life than you ever cared to notice before thinkin of it that way.
kinda like Easy Rider. i watched that one again tonight. the end always gets me. it comes out of no where. i suppose most of the movie doesnt make a hell of alot more sense, even the plot is rather sketchy. i have yet to see the point of showin the opening scenes about the drug deal. instead, it would have made a much more powerful film just assuming these are two normal guys that society cant fathom at its current state [much in the way George's [Jack Nicholson]'s speech iterates]. hell. even George's death isnt very well done. seems like a poor way to get rid of a character used for the commentary in only 2 places. one about the acceptance/rejection of the 60's evolving counterculture; and second to show the lack of effect on a quasi normal person immersed in teh drug culture of the time. remember george questions the weed, gives the answers people popularly assume should deter those from drugs, and still nothing happens to him BECAUSE of the drugs. instead it is the mask of the entire subculture that brings about his death. something --- i stress again--- could have been done in much better ways... like the scene in the dinner... very good. the trip sequence in the graveyard is out of place, and so is the whole shitty 8mm filming sequence that precurses it. just artistic crap. especially the various fades and pans used in the film... nothing more than for art's sake. but the scenery is beautiful for most of the movie. i guess that doesnt make up for the entire lack of plot [other than a druggy road trip]. but it came out at roughly the same time as Cool Hand Luke. both use a very distinct and cliched subculture to make their commentaries about greater society. just some parts of them do it better than others. especially flamming motorcycles shooting across a field. what does that prove again? anyway. watch them both. think about them more than just the pretty pictures. youll realize a few more things about life than you ever cared to notice before thinkin of it that way.
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