Current Musical Selection: Foreigner - Blue Morning, Blue Day

SMARMY

tonight was interesting... not often can you say you were in attendance to a speech by a former President of the United States... even if it was Bill Clinton. citizen bill was interesting to hear tonight... without getting into it, i heard mostly 'when i was president' and 'what we should do now, based on what i think as a former president,' not so much the speech on "Global Security in the 21st Century" as it was billed to be. but it was BILLed. even a couple hecklers managed to show up. entertaining. too bad i couldnt hear one very well. the comments by another about rawanda were funny. clinton took them all instride. im sure after speaking to millions of people, in thousands of places, and being bill clinton, you learn how to handle disgruntled members of the crowd. hell even the secret service detail didnt budge much when they saw them yelling. a rather ho-hum speech in my opinion. at times i couldnt quite tell how much of it was off the cuff, and how much was scripted. that must be the biggest departure for the man. comming from 8 years of federally [and about 20 more of state] funded speech writers and campaign organizers, he, at times, seemed almost ill-prepared. like the information was comming to him as he talked, but clearly not in the polished and prepared manner that a citizen of his presidency was accustomed to hearing. all in all, the speech was summed up with; love thy neighbor, give them more money, never cut taxes, destroy guns/bombs/nukes, praise the 'merits' of social and educational 'advances' upon society. again, it was bill clinton. as he put it... "even it's not rocket science" but he did use the 'smarmy' that was unnerving. a fullbright scholar; distinguished and affluent [yes he made several comments about his personal wealth] private citizen, and former President for shit's sake, uses "smarmy" smarmy indeed.

even without clinton, life proceeds. for once i experienced a semi-comical moment at a meeting... something truly unique of student leaders on the lame duck seat... counting down the days left. several grins and comments were made. President Boyd had his chance to make them at the last meeting, now we impressed President Skorton with our own. cant say it feels good to want to leave... but its getting there. only a few weeks left on the job really, and im anticipating life afterwards. people are sadly delluded if they think this position is something that is lofty, or brings them above normal students. infact, ive tried with my entire presidency to bring it back down to a useable and workable position. some people differ with me on that. but then again, i was the reluctant man in the post. by others admissions ill be impossible to replace, but i can always have the piece of mind that i never had to run for the position. i never aspired to take on a role like this, and i out and out have little respect for those that do. its demeaning to the office and to the students around them; something i hoped i never did with my term. but, as it stands i have little under 4 weeks left until i can completely cash in my chips, and i am looking forward to it. i cant deny that the position made my name a topic at many dinner tables around the university community in my reign of terror, but it also gained me quite a bit of credability in those i dealt with; more so for the organization which i get to leave behind in uncertain hands. its difficult like that. to walk around with an idea in your head... just a thought that matures and grows with time, never sharing it with anyone. then being selected out to run with your idea.. to be called upon by those around you to make it happen.. then once your on that path to completion, to be pulled aside and forced to give it all away. to watch the sandcastle that took many days and nights, to be swept slowly into the ocean that brough you those very grains of sand with run through your fingers. its about loosing a piece of yourself in the work. permanently sacrificing bits of yourself, that go unnoticed and unthanked, and to watch them reduce down to mere drops in the ocean that is its begining and end. clinton obviously has a hard time with it too. so many comments about being president and how he would handle things; that it was obvious to tell hes slowly growing accustomed to life after it all. to life away from the control.

i guess its not that my life wont have control, or direction in 4 weeks. just that it has uncharted and hopefully new and relaxing, but beneficial direction. maybe ill actually have the time to read those books ive allways wanted to... or just get homework done on time for class, not racing through it at 4 in the morning. no more meetings, really. no more tending to other people and their concerns. maybe, just for once, i can have some time to be somewhat selfish. to keep some time for myself. maybe some time to do what i want. to see what id like to see and be with who i want to be with. ill definitely miss some aspects of it all; but im sure my girlfriend wont. i may actually have time to spend with her, that isnt a cool down from meetings, with headaches and reminants of attitudes of coworkers. maybe i could be that lazy college student ive practed so long to be. maybe i could just end up normal. thats all i really ever wanted for myself. a normal existence. nothing extraordinary. no complications, atleast none more than necessary. not much excitement. just an existence. not jaded, not too opulent or even optimistic. to have what i need and live with that. so in 4 weeks ill see more of where that leads me to. who knows, the public has a habbit of calling upon its servants time and time again.

until that time, i spend my hours cranking away; fearing the end, but shying away from the future even more.

Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-

A Simple Dedication

as I’m writing this I know that I’m at least 3 days behind where I should be... its not that my thoughts aren’t lingering back to that day... its just that the days keep moving on and I’m left with little time to sit and recall what I would have liked to have said then. I’m talking about a one month anniversary... sure, in the grand scheme of things a month really doesn’t account for very much... but this month has shown me quite a few things that I haven’t learned in any other ordinary period of 30 days.

I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.

so now I’m sitting around waiting for these calls; yes waiting; and I’m trying to find out why. why do I now, of all times in my life, want to be ratcheted down to a relationship. of all the things that I could be doing, this is quite possibly one of the most unproductive expenditures of time that I could be involved in. they always lead me to heartache and denial; let alone wasted time and money. and here I sit. not only awaiting it, but eagerly awaiting it... and in my own mind that makes all the difference. but it’s also THE difference. as much as I might like to think the things everyone tells me to; I still cant. I still can’t see this time as being a waste of time. although to my credit, I've have more than my share of mishaps, and many of them, I thought, started out as good intended efforts, that at the time seemed right. but not really like this. this time it’s all different. and I suppose the purist in me would argue that every time is indeed different... but this one more so... this one is uniquely different. for once, I think, there is actually another human being on the end of all these feelings... not a monstrosity that’s looking for self fulfilling satisfaction; not an attention whore, looking to hook the newest John on the street, and not even the lackluster face from the crowd that’s not even concerned about the outcome... instead she’s none of the above, yet she’s all of them at the same time. that’s why it’s all so very different and unique this time.

originally my intention was to sit and place out my thoughts about this person. its difficult, I must admit, to sit and focus in an area entirely devoted to my thoughts and my feelings, to sit and write exclusively about someone else. I’ve done it before I suppose; in many of my veiled ways; and some not so... but always for the pressing reasons of anger, spite and deliverance that I’ve grown accustomed to; when expressing some desire to vocalize about another human being. but right now that’s not that case.. its not a question of it being a coping strategy, or attention getter... its more of a question of debt. I need to. I think I owe her this one. because all the time I constantly hear from her how she loves me more than I could ever know, or how she misses me more. It’s not a question of simply stating it, or of creating the emotion.. she genuinely feels that way.. and I believe her. the problem is, how can I get her to believe me, when I say that’s not necessarily the case..... how is it your are supposed to be able to convince, thoroughly, another human being of like mind and rationality, that you too desire to be near them and a part of their life.. and being a part of that life is important to your own. its not something Hallmark talks much about... even Dillbert hasn’t ventured into this realm... so I’m stuck without man's two handiest weapons to address the situation with: preconceived and packaged thought [courtesy of someone else smarter than me who was able to make sense of this or a similar situation] or humor... mans ultimate standby. no matter how horrible something might be; man finds a way to laugh his way through it and carry on... but I cant do that. I can’t sit and laugh at her... nor would I want to.. and really nothing would quite express what I should and want to say. so now you see the dilemma.

the best place to start with all of this is probably back at the beginning of it all... and really id rather not discuss it all... I haven’t even taken the time to discuss everything like this with her yet... let alone make it clear in my head. but I probably ought to come clean about some aspects of my past... namely the horrible past I’ve had with relationships. never once have I been in the position that I’m in; one that says I’m happy and enjoy where I’m at. never have I felt completely at ease in a relationship. I suppose that’s not truly accurate here=== there are definitely times when I’m on edge, there still times when even I refuse to let my guard down. but on the whole; I can. and I do. that’s never been something I could say that I’ve been able to do before.

well I’ve now spent a great deal of pixels chattering on about nothing... see how I circle around the topic? I’m nervous about saying anything, because I know that what ever I want to say isn’t going to come out right; and nor will it do it justice to what I want said. not to mention that maybe I’m not supposed to be thinking what I am, or feeling as I should. content doesn’t cover it. I am happy. but I know it can’t last. in true fashion, more and more things keep coming up in conversation that leads me to say that its going to be very difficult to maintain all of this. I should have figured long ago; that even if I were to somehow gain something truly good for myself [and truly good for someone else], that it too would be whisked away at the worst possible moment- that time when I’ve begun to latch on to it. maybe it will; but I hope that it won’t. not this time at least.

id like to be able to write a poem or something sappy and shitty, that oozes feelings like blood from the heart... instead I’m adept at scrawling away in pure prose... and even its quality is debatable. again, void of the tools or even the voice; much less the monument or the song of which to give to someone in appreciation. obviously I don’t have the words to describe it all, nor do I have the time to attempt to put any of it into words... so I should stop trying.

so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.

so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.

Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - Sweet Caress

lookin at the ocean blue || sittin thinkin here of you || cast'in light down from the moon || sweet caress the ocean blue || just a stolent moment through || coldest night the fullest moon || i cant tell you why it happened || somethings been pullin me to you || no apologies have been requested || far beneath a yellow moon || feelin out the ocean blue || felt you coming through and new || kind of frozen, dream of you

Such A Long Time.

well quite obviously its been a long time since ive posted. i dont really have excuses. i also dont need to make any. i dont have much to complain about; and im sure everyone would just wonder more about me if i suddenly decided to keep track of happy things... appearantly this is the blog, touted as moving people to 'wrist slitting' and 'absolute macombre,' so its been along time since ive wanted to make a come back. lately everything has been good though. its up and down. its day to day. but more often than not, i cant complain. ive learned that once the pot starts to simmer down, you never throw more into the mess... let it stew. everything is well and good; no we havent broken up yet; no i havent had to fire anyone recently; yes im passing my classes; no i never study enough latin; but yes its all well an good. so ive tried to take a very laid back approach to life lately... so much so its noticeable. i think my parents even have noticed on the phone with me; friends notice; its tough not to notice. not that i feel that i approach life in a wound-up way; just that for once im slowly backing down from the ledge. i can see it all from where im at... just its nice keeping that extra drop step for safety and comfort.

but when i think about time, and i think about edges... i think of endings. always coupled with beginings, but of endings. its been such a long time between endings and beginings, that now that i have a begining of something interesting in my life, im actually taking the time to notice it.... rather than drawing out the end, as it typcially tends to happen with me. thats not completely right though... people like to draw things out. really? yeah. see when it all happens, and when you end friendships and relationships with others, you want the end... when it gets bad, you crave the finality of it all... just the words ITS OVER, have some calming effect thats just soothing. but its more like novacaine, soothing the nerves, numbing you from the pain, so that you are insulated when the real damage is done... when the real shit starts to churn in the holes of your flesh; you want that end so you stop feeling it. and then you get it. and you spend your time nursing the wound, watching over yourself... until someone comes along and rips that gaping sore wide open again. see, i thought finallity meant an end to it all. i guess not. some people are just not content with that. even after its all done; after they initiated the split; after they saw to the ending of it all; the bring it back. in cold blackface. if you want the end to it all, and you want to end that person; and you block them from your life... dont follow them. dont read up on them, looking for their profile on the wall when you want it. dont go looking up others to satisfy you unfounded curiousities. we know it when you do it. we see all that you do, we hear every syllable you drop to 'friends' among you. so do us both a favor. follow your imposed end. live up to the unilateral deal you imposed, and stay out of my life. dont randomly unblock me just to read my away messages or profile; dont be creepy and lurk about, finding my girlfriends screenname and looking at her information... or reading about her life they way she writes about it--- you dont know her, and thats why i like it this way. if you cant handle not having me around, go back the the begining of the end... go back to when you decided i was such an awful person, or just when you started treating me as such; go back to when you started all this madness, such a long time ago, and then relive the end. then see the way in which the water has flowed, and feel regret, remorse or satisfaction--- that is ultimately your decision; but stay on your side of the edge... stop looking over at my side of the gorge which you dug for us... and when the numbness [should it ever] wear off; and your vision and hindsight become clear, let the hurting begin; because of the end. know that leading people into friendship, purely for explotation of your needs, is never, the right thing to do; but you did it. then understand why it has to be. understand why i want nothing to do with you, although i wish no harm or use no harsh words, i just move on. see it all for what you made it; live with what you did.

"His eyes are on the ways of men; he sees their every step. There is no dark place, no deep shadow, where evildoers can hide. God has no need to examine men further, that they should come before him for judgement. Without inquiry he shatters the mighty and sets up others in their place. Because he takes note of their deeds, he overthrows them in the night and they are crushed. He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone can see them, because they turned from following him and had no regard for any of his ways." --- Job, 34:21-27 just for You, a small passage to remember me by.


oh its been such a long time since ive felt this way. its been a long time when i can say its a pleasure to be alive. sure, minor things come up.. people and their fucking attitudes... disregard for authority... sniviling coward communist crooks, crooning the end to war, and a cheerful humanitarian crusade of sing-along in the middle east.. but the sun is always shining. the weather is getting warmer, and the gray sky of winter has receeded beyond the edges of the horizon. now is the time of glory and prosper in all things wonderous. now are the days leading directly into a semester break. so it may be a short time before i return, but i will, as i always do. and i will return to write something special to someone special. it is the 14th and all...

Lookin' on the ocean blue || Sail away and think of you || Sweet caress the ocean blue || And I know it's not the last time || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Tried ta hold it back a long time || Far beneath the silver moon || I have seen a million faces || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Like an ocean pullin' me in... || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue >/i>


ain't it fun~
s.

Resisting the Urge...

its quite clear everyone wants to drag me into further conflict... conflicts deeply rooted in personal affinities for vengance, built on mistrust, and immaturity, and incredible senses of self-lacking. each day, they find new ways to try and force the issue to me. some days its nothing more than whining in the office... others, as usual, its just whining in their online journals, and rarely is it they make any direct address to me. its humorous. i laugh when im supposed to take these people seriously... how could you? its like dealing with kids... it really is. kids whine. kids complain. kids dig at parents, attempting to grant a concession. parents dont budge. parents grow a thick skin to it all, and keep about the business of running a family---of staying with whats important to them. kids... kids just pine away at trivial shit. kids never stop. adults, they move on. and for all the times i could have done it, im much more satisfied that i did not; in fact, need to resort to any of the antics of the people around me. it makes life difficult to live this way. going from day to day, never once seeing the type of person id want to identify with. and then when i do, its only at night... just a few fleeting hours... where im forced to divert attention away from what matters to me... to homework, to others stupid plights and mundane existences, and to hearing about children at play... diverted away from where my attention should be. locking the door doesent keep them away, and keep my attention where it needs to be. so to her i am deeply sorry. my time is slight and precious, the moments are fleeting, and there is nothing that i can do to change any of this. it is only by chance, some days, that i can even enjoy seeing you from across a room, never to see you fully or touch a piece of creation; always mired deeply in the darkness. deeply in the darkness of the warring of the Children that surround me. dealing with it all makes living life difficult.

last couple days have moved pretty slowly. after being at home for a total of 13 hours, its hard to feel rested... granted i was only there to do heavy lifting and other manual labor, but the laundry was free... and the homecooked meal was nice... so was the company of family and friends... even so... its just not enough to recharge my batteries from living life in this existence. this surreal world of careless frivolty. a land where children and the purusit of their ego rules the day. where that golden soul, is often tarnished black, under the flames of missgiving, to forever be a darkened shadow of its former self. i try hard, so very hard, in these dark days, to remain calm about it all. knowing that one day soon, they will all force me into something; force me into action that i will most likely regret. but they want that... they want that more than i want to be left alone. attempting to understand that, while going on about ones daily life, makes living life difficult.

i wanted so bad for this year to be positive. i wanted so much to see the changes in myself, and others, that i knew needed to occur on this grand road to glory; and yet, i have seen only the worst of them. i have seen only the failings of attunement, and only in the most dire of times, have i seen them succeed. no, it is is on a daily basis, i much watch them resort to the Child within. i watch them, i hear them, and i have to supervise them... and all the while i wonder to myself, why i must be the one to bear this burden. the burden, not only of responsibility... as the children clearly are lacking, but also the burden of maturity. why is it, i must be the only one 'condemned' to a life of thought and response, of reason and of logic; why is it they remain free in their state, with their childistic urges and views... carrying toys and crying to each other, causing infighting and bickering, and gossiping all the while. all these things i must bear witness to, but must be silent about. i have no choice. for that is the true burden of the mature, responsible and enlightened adult. walking that path, when surrounded by the lunacy and the rashness of Children, makes living life difficult.

instead, this year ive not learned about myself, as i was told that i would, i have learned about the people around me. i have found greater cause and greater reason, strengthening my convictions, and loosening my remorse for the people around me and my responsive treatment to them. its hard to want to feel remorse for correcting Children... they know no better... these Children do. they claim to atleast. but thats what makes adults different from Children. we do, they do not. and so im forced to live alone in the world of the Child. im alone subjected to the ways of error and selfish gains, where the glorification of the plight, and the 'masturbation of ones ego' [as i have so timely called it] rule the day, and consume the hours. let them move away from me O Lord, for in this great time of darkness, i wish nothing more than to rest out the remainder of my days, and to rejoice in the beauty of those things that do matter to me... Lord i ask to be free of the bonds of servitude that bring me in the midst of Children... show to them, their ways, let them wallow in their despair, and let them walk the path and lie in the ditches they dig. Lord let me be free from them. let me find a way to make living this life, not so difficult anymore.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

***
Statement by Principle Party Member Scott R. Alvarado, Concerning The Current Status of Relations
In orchestration with the recent events, it has become necessary for the official statement of policy concerning the relationship between the two identified principle parties; one Scott Alvarado, and one Erin Lemanski. The following finding of fact, has been stipulated to by the above cited parties;

On or about Friday, February 14th, 2003; the co-conspirators entered into a mutually agreed meeting, attended by an independent source; the contents of which, have not been fully disclosed, but the meeting was certified as lasting for multiple hours; the parties were then witnessed at Hillcrest Dining Service, at approximately 8 am, on Saturday, February 15th.

On or about Saturday, February 15th, 2003; the co-conspirators again entered into a private meeting, of which the location was moved several times throughout the night, and surveilance work performed by local authorites failed to locate the parties involved; until approximately 9am Sunday, February 16th; where again the individuals in question were positively identified at Hillcrest Dining Service.

Exact whereabouts on the following days from Monday, February 16th through Thursday, February 19th are unknown; the two parties were seen at multiple instances on each, ranging from public spaces, but more frequently the residence of Mr. Alvarado. They were again positively identified meeting undercover of darkness on strictly clandestine operations. At this point; we can only assume the individuals were in constant contact with each other durring this timespan. Begining with Friday, February 20th, the parties in question were spotted in view by various members of the local community, and several subsequent opinions and theories have been drawn concerning their partnership at this point in time.

Since that time, the parties have continued to meet in open areas, but also in seclusion; rarely in view of or accessible by other members of the local community. At one point, Mr. Alvarado, who fled on foot, was allegedly spotted in the Coralville municipal area, while Ms. Lemanski was spotted in public view at several locations in the downtown Iowa City area. As of this time, it is unknown to investigators what exactly has transpired, or what forced the pair into public view, and what forced them into opposite directions. The move baffled local investigators, and they endured a subsequent breakdown in communication and monitoring. It is likely that scrutiny of the investigation has in some respect tipped them off to the efforts of the local community; and has compromised the investigation. Again both members were seen in uncharacteristically public locations since this alleged partnership began, and the exact where abouts of Mr. Alvarado have yet to be determined, as have any motive identified for his brief dissappearnce. However Ms. Lemanski is able to provide witnesses attesting to her whereabouts on the night in question, but is not able to provide for a substantial period of time. However, both individuals were then accounted for at the residence of Mr. Alvarado from approximately 12:30am, until 3pm Saturday, February 22nd.

Since the begining of the investigation; little information has been divulged. No transcripts or evidence of the encounters remain; and both members have been particularly carefull in evading the known methods of observation by local investigatory persons. As of this time, no official reccomendations have been made; and no charges have been filled in conjunction with the events of this case. This does not however, rule out the possibility of the two members to be conspiring to act against the wishes of the proper jurisdictional personnel.

However, it is my duty to inform you members of the press, that an agreement has been reached between the two principle parties. As of this past weekend of February 22nd through the 23rd; the two parties have made some form of mutually agreeable decision. The details of this agreement are sketchy, and we are working our best to interpret the data we have been afforded. Even so, it does indeed appear correct that; the two above individuals are now to be considered one item for the purposes of futher knowledge. We ask members of the community to not, repeat, not, approach or accost these individuals as they are under no penalty of law; and do not remain primary suspects in our current investigation. The individuals have been upfront when dealing with local investigators, and we are certain that more information; as it becomes available will be proposed at the proper time.

Mr. Alvarado does offer the following words;

"Although I'm not quite sure whats going on; all that I can say is that for once in my life, I am actually happy to be in a mutually responsive relationship, and quite frankly could not think of a better person to spend time with. Knowing that my actions are likely to be held in high scrutiny, I would hope that various members of the public afford us some respect in this issue of most private matters, and allow us to continue on the pursuit of our happiness, in our own ways. The affairs of the heart are well documented; so read them... don't question ours. At this point in time I am very, very satisfied with the progression of and the current status of the relationship with Ms. Lemanski, and do very much adore her presence and respect her individuality in my own life."

----- [signed]
Scott R. Alvarado

This concludes the official statement. Members of the media may wish to stay; as we will field questions to the best of our abilities.

----- [signed]
General Counsel for Mr. Alvarado

----- [signed]
Acting Director, Universal Student Relations Watchdog Group

***
STORY SOURCE: Universal Student Relations Watchdog Group, 2300 Quadrangle Hall, Iowa City, Iowa 52242.

MEDIA CONTACT: Acting Director of Media Relations, 319-335-0000, to arrange interviews with Mr. Alvarado after 1 p.m. today, Wednesday, Feb. 26.







-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so, in short... if you cant understand that...

it is official, Erin and I are couple. and for the record, we have considered ourselves as such for an indefinite period of time preceeding this disclosure. for those of you that may be unsettled by this; i offer my condolances; but i assure you; both of us feel very strongly that this was the best course of action to undertake until we were ready to admit to ourselves what was going on. since doing that, i have, and she has, felt very comfortable with the status of our relationship. for those of you who may not approve of this... i have nothing to offer you. instead i only wish that you could see this as mature, and enlightened adults, and be happy for the happiness that two people share for each other; rather than in the selfish and needless harrasment and inappropriate meddlings into our affairs; as well as the juvenile extension of your thoughts as purposeful and spiteful actions. so in short... i am officially off the market; and couldnt be more happy to say it.

s.

so this is a short post...

i have alot to say, but i dont really have alot to say to alot of people right now. i also told myself that this is not the place that gets turned into a pure launching pad for my shit fanning. instead; its the place for my thoughts, that i gracesously allow you all to read. so... with that in mind...

1) stop asking me questions. heres the answer--- i dont know. all the questions and conversations ive had in the past 3 days have been about me and someone else. its not important whats going on. what is important, is that she and i are happy. what is important is you just let us be happy. the real truth about this? i havent even told her... [so im sorry you have to hear it this way]... but i couldnt stop thinking about it all today. i couldnt stop thinking about you, and whats going on, and me, and everything about it. and i liked it. but everytime i got to a point, i had to stop. i guess i never thought of it this seriously; but theres alot of people out there that just cant settle for 2 people wanting to be happy. they try and they try, just to stop it... to fuck it all up... to be an ass, to be annoying, to be aggrivating, to be trivial, to try and prevent it. the kicker was, today i was thinking about breaking it all off with her... when she and i talked about it, the answer was pretty clear; and now im starting to see why... and i agree with her more than ever about it.--- the problem with us, isnt us... its all of you. for that alone, i thought about telling her that it cant go on. im walking home, knowing shes asleep on my couch, waiting for me to come back; and all i can think about is how ive got to reconcile everything. i know that it cant go on forever.... i know some of you are just trying your god damndest to see this flop. some of you make up excuses and lie. some of you just decide to harass us. but i know at some point it either has to stop, or ill have to give in. at this point, i dont want to have to stop this; and tell her we cant see each other any longer. and im halfway home when i realize thats not what i want: when i realized thats not anyway to wake someone up. thats not anyway i want this to work. just all of you can leave well enough alone. its our business, not yours. if this fails and falls through; know that you all are ruining two people, not just me. if it were just me, id smile and tell you to try it. id welcome some more of your unfettered spite, blowing vile and anger at me because you hate me that much. but im not going to put her through all of this shit; but im not going to let you do that to her. she doesnt deserve your shit people. she doesnt deserve getting questioned, constantly asked and attended too, getting stares, having to deal with your lives when she has her own, or getting lectured for for living her own life. talk about me all you want. its never stopped you before. but leave her out of this.

2) so whats going on? heres the answer--- i do know, and i dont know. what i do know is; i had the most memorable weekend with another person, that i have ever had. i have never, ever expected anything like this to have ever happened in a million years. to sit and talk to someone for an hour is a feat. to do it for 8/9 hours is unheard of. to go back and do it all again the next fucking day is just crazy. then a third. then a fourth. you get the idea. i dont know what to say about it. i think it speaks for its self. and i dont know why it happened. i dont know how it all worked out. and im not even sure what im doing anymore. i just know that this has been an incredible week. and i know i really dont deserve any of it. i know i havent done anything that makes me any better than any other man on God's creation. God owes me nothing, and yet He puts something like this in motion. and how the hell am i supposed to react? i know in my heart, and in my mind, ive done nothing worthy of this. and i cant really get over that. i live my life. i live it alone if i have to. i say my prayers, but i dont ask for anything for myself. and here is just this awesome thing thats been put here... and i dont know how to handle it. i dont know how to believe it, i dont know how to say thankyou, and i dont know why i have been given some of the greatest experiences and memories, i think anyone could ask for. its like a sappy love story, but its real. i dont know what the hell love is. i dont even care. all i know is right now everything is good. each day is valuable and precious. and each day brings something new. its hard to look at it any other way. a week ago, i would have laughed if you said all this would happen to me. i would have laughed if someone said you'll find yourself just unable to stop spending time with her. i would have laughed if you said someone would even show interest in you; laughed so hard that id have never heard you say id be sitting with my arms around her at 6am on the second day, looking in her eyes as the sun comes up, trying to figure out how the hell i got there. but i did.

3) everyone else. so everyone else that can read this can just figure it out for themselves. i dont know anything; it takes men smarter than me to make sense out of a world like this; and theres no way i can hope to understand why everything has been the way it has. everyone else will think of it what they will, and thats the point of all this. people will continue to gossip; people will want to know whats going on, that have no right to. dont worry! stop. i can tell people next door, down the hall, downstairs, upstairs, outside, the next building, 4 buildings away.... are all talking about this; and i dont know why. some of you hate the idea of it. some of you love the idea of all this happening, and most of you just need to think about it, before you do anything. even those people that no longer speak to me, or associate with me, are going to think about this, and honestly i cant stop that. there are people ive known all my life, that dont know what to say when i tell them about this. i tell them, i dont even know. i tell them its a big a surprise as that first kiss. you never expect it to happen. you never know quite what to make of it. but you never want it to end in your mind. but from then on, you know its real. you know its something that did happen, because you spend all day thinking about it-- and i havent stopped yet.

Current Musical Selection: Smashing Pumpkins - Today

Got a request to talk about some more on the romance and relationship subject. I don’t see a need to. I honestly don’t have much to say. You all seem to like it when I ramble on about stories and adventures I had when I was young and stupid. So without any particular direction, I shall ramble for you.

Not long ago, I had a late evening get together [since I apparently cant qualify as a date] where she and I talked a lot about life back in high school. I'd known her since junior high at least, but we still like to talk about what it was like then; we liked talking about what was different then from now, needless to say it was a long night. For a while it was easy, we both were dispelling the myths and things the other didn’t know, and it was fun, revealing and fun. But it was hard. It was hard for me not to tell the truth to her. It was difficult for me to sit and dodge what was on my mind. And for me, it was her. Back in high school I guess I had something of a crush on her. And I never told her. It didn’t really pop back into my mind until I was sitting there with her, in that dank 24-hour restaurant, several hours from home. In the smoking section, of all places, we sat, really barring all about what is like, and what it was like. She was surprised that I remembered so much about her, and that I noticed so much in high school. I couldn’t tell her why. I'd let her talk for so long, and while I listened to everything she said, my mind just kept wandering away from me, trying to find a way to bring it all up… to find a way to say, "gee, back then I really was attracted to you," without it sounding really creepy.

I don’t think there really is a way to go about that. Back in high school, we had a lot of classes together, she and I were always around each other. For me then, I didn't know how to handle it. How the fuck do act normal around one of the more beautiful girls you’ve ever met, when you sit next to her in 3 classes? So I did probably what all men have resorted to at one point or another. I made fun of her. God it was stupid of me. I didn’t go full-tilt on her, as I know some of you may be a bit floored at that comment… but I gave her a continual ribbing. She took it well. That’s always surprised me about her. Anyway, it was the only way I could really make it through it all. I joke a lot. I fuck around a lot. But I only do it with those I feel comfortable around. I still find myself doing it. People, females especially, never quite seem to know how to take it. And I guess, me saying, "I only do it because I like you," just doesn’t make it clear to them. But that’s why I do it. I still hate that I do that. I hate that I did it then, and that I still do it. It ruins things fast. Back then, I suppose it could do the job to alleviate the tension; but now, in my older age, I feel a lot of my mistakes hurt me more than they hurt others. I've learned that I've pushed people away by doing things like that, and I hate myself for it.

All of that is swimming through my head as she chatters on about people from school. Baby's, deaths, marriages… all-important stuff to know about. But I kept coming back to it in my head. I still was trying to find a way to cleanse my soul of it… just to come clean about it all, in good faith. That was stupid. Then I start arguing with myself over arguing about it; is it something to even say or bring up, is it not? She started talking about her experiences in the past summer. That woke me up out of it. She was telling me a lot of things that really, really, made me question what she'd turned out to be. I wasn't listening before, but now I was. Now she was someone different than the cute girl in high school. Now I was someone different to her, judging by the material conveyed to me, and now I questioned that too. I questioned myself up and down about whether I was in fact, a different person that whom she'd known. I likely am.

We were two different people really. She was popular. Popular. I wasn't. I had my friends; generally speaking it was a small group of guys, no girls, that I'd known from what I did, and groups I was involved with. She had a huge variety of friends. Everyone knew who she was. Me? Not so much. Her friends were also popular people. Mine were the scourge of the school, much like me. Not quite the resentful band of fools I was friendly with, but not much better off. She was a cheerleader. [A gorgeous one at that.] I was band dork. And not a faithful one at that, coming and going as I pleased, playing my trumpet or drum set occasionally [to the ire of the band director]. She always looked to be having fun, she was always the spirit of the squad, pepping about with a smile and a twirl of her skirt. I sat in the back row, with my long hair and Nirvana t-shirts, if I blended in it was probably on accident. She did a lot of the professional clubs too, Key Club, National Honors Society, shit like that. I turned NHS down; fuck good grades, high school grades didn’t mean shit in the real world; so I became the speaker. I became the eloquent and the fervent orator of the debate team, and I played chess for the school too. She was saving the world and making it better. I argued for the wars, then reenacted them with my army of plastic men. She was at all the parties and knew all the cool kids to be with. I wasn’t invited to my own party, and people rarely associated themselves near me. She got caught up in the rush of it all, was on the student senate, and dance committees, eventually ended up as class president one year. Heh. I wrote scathing editorials in the school paper, and was managing editor of the literary magazine. She be came the apple of the eye, the sparkle in the gem about being a success in high school. I skipped some classes, walked out of aud's and waived a finger to it all. Two different people. And although I may feel like I'm on to something, I have to know that no matter what, we are two different people. One not like the other.

The girl I was sitting with however, was no longer the girl I thought she was. I was surprised by her actions, by her words, her gestures. She wasn’t much of what I remembered her to be; yet she was more than what I had remembered. She had really become two different people to me now. The girl I knew, and the girl that sat in front of me. The girl in front of me wasn't the happy one I used to know. She was still every bit the looker, but she looked differently… it was in her eyes and in her face, something that maybe an artist with a brush and a vision could touch at, but nothing that I could describe to him. It was the emotion in her words, it was the drifting gaze away from me, and it was the essence of the cigarette smoke curling away from her hand. It was maturity, and it was growth. It was dark. The bright spot of memory has turned into something of a blended tone. The air of excellence and perfection was now lessened. She was in fact a real person now, no longer the stereotyped image of my mind, where shed dwelt the past few years. She was now someone else. And I didn’t know if I liked it.

I can only guess at what she thought of me. I know that I am the same person I have always been - time and events have not changed me, people have changed their attitude towards me. But for her, I'm sure I wasn’t exactly who she remembered either. If I couldn’t do it, why would anyone else? If I could sit and piece together these memories of nothing; the memories of making her smile at my answer to the teacher in calculus, or maybe just a fleeting glimpse of her walking past me in the hall way in the early afternoon light. If I couldn’t find the same person in all of those things, sitting in front of me; how could she? She didn’t, I suspect.

So… what in the fuck does that have to do with Valentines Day? I dunno. I'm not that kind of person that can make sense out of everything, something's but not all. But for two big reasons, I thought I should tell a story. 1) I like stories. I like telling stories. Tuff shit. That’s reason 1. 2) Reason 2 is more of a reason I suppose. I sat and reflected back on it all, I tried to find a reason to it all. Not a strong and fast rule… just more of a meandering, wandering theory; that could make sense of my relations with people… with my interests in people. I tried to find a reason to justify myself in apparently becoming interested in people that were totally different from me. And even that’s not right. I was trying to find a reason to why I have relationships with people at all. That’s a bit closer to the truth; but even to closer is to back up a notch again. Why do we have these complicated sorts of relationships with people; why is it we as humans have to have some form of relations with another? And I don't know that either. Valentines Day; although apparently against the beliefs of everyone I know, isn't solely about lusting after another… or better yet, feeling bad because you have no one to lust over. The object of the lust, pure and simple, is the lust for a relationship. Nothing more. We as humans naturally are attracted to each other, but its that special kind of attraction… that special redeeming quality that’s feed back in through your veins, that makes your pulse race, that clouds your mind, and makes your vision blurred. Its that kind of attraction you only get from one other person, who's probably just as afflicted as you are. It's that type of reaction/relation that humans seek. Some intricate knowledge of another, that’s altogether respected, reciprocated, and can't be satisfied by any other person. Its not some plain old person, it's got to be something davar, to borrow the Hebrew word. Something that has gravity, and weight and presence… yet all together sustains great meaning and power in a longevical sense. We desire what is most unattainable… having a relation with another human being for some greater reasons or purpose, when there are none. Our only reasons are to have that relationship… just to prove to ourselves, that life absent of it, is that poor of an alternative. This is what drives man to kill, what drives man to suicide, what inspires man to create and write. It is mans own pursuit that is uniquely his own in this world. It is what makes everything relevant, and everything important.

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vday post is still comming... but...

but i have to say... 2 words...

Minne Mouse

so to bloodshot eyes, gawking on-lookers, mirrored glass windows, calling the cops, bathtubs, story time, MINNE fucking MOUSE, finding the warm spots, similar highschool stories, ball control, cable bills, underwear gifts, being retarded... POOPING BABY SONGS, too many stories about peeing for one night, getting lost looking for bathrooms, ruining eggs and hashbrowns on morning after breakfasts, sledding, puha, rack and tool... and another 8 hours.

s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [live from Moline IL, 2002]

ahhh yes, the joys of internet piracy... well... the joys of piracy, aided by the internet i suppose. i managed to hookup with some message board friends on my boards [ major plug for... ROUNDONE.NET and MYGNRFORUM.COM ] and they were able to find me a copy of the show i attended this past fall. NOTHING is more killer than that. the first time i spun it; i got the same chills that i did from when i was standing there.. absouletly amazing. sure the quality of taping isnt great, and yeah its not even a video... but its just right.

expect a longer post on Valentines Day. i really dislike this day of the year.. but im now forced to be a part of it all... exams and preoccupations bind me to again witness the senselessness of solitude on a day so intent on love and adoration of another. the elusive 'another' which, will never be mine; and a day devoted to it. charming.

not much to say.. really ive wanted to get back to posting to this in an orderly manner again; but for time constraints i havent had any way to do so. lots going on, but really none of it is of much importance. atleast thats what i tell myself. surely, everything i do and say is important. in the grandscheme of the universe, i say things that move other people, that set actions in motion, that leave a plan that someone will one day follow. in the meantime, i feel like im walking in place, and talking to myself. its slow going. its a tough sell to make; getting excited about the future; which i wont ever see. its even more difficult to deal with the people of the present. never in my life have i seen a more lack-luster, and apathetic attitude towards anything. since my job revolves around the residence halls; i notice the RA's the most. its terrible. im doing things everyday, they never will know about; to make their job better, easier and more important--- and they cant manage to bring 1 kid to a meeting, once per month. pathetic. a meeting i sat through tonight had 8 residents present, with 12 RA's... of the 8 residents, 5 came from one floor and were only allowed one person to vote for the floor... in a meeting that represents the entire building and resdent community... 5 people had the authority to vote legitimately. pa-fucking-thetic. the RA's whine about being busy, and residents being too busy for it. its utter bullshit.. i walked 3 halls before and after that meeting and found atleast 5 per floor sitting in their rooms, doors open, watching tv. nothing to do; nowhere to go. not busy. to me its just a fundamental question of zero role modeling and intervention in the halls. but its not just here.. .unfortunately; as lousy as an RA crop that we have at iowa, the problem is pervasive into the rest of society at large here. and its spreading. its a cancer on the flanks of every human being in society...

everyone is complacent with the world they wrap themselves into; each feeding the monster within; more precious trinkets of self and of further lunacy. each day the hunger pains grow stronger, and we must fight them back; with equal strength, to force the ultimate in resolution... nothingness. non-action. no-decision. no consideration. as long as it doesnt steal that comfortable baby-blanket of dreams and sickly shit that we warm ourselves with each night. swaddle the spirit of the child, smothered in the body of the adult; with the paitence of neither. let us call these people: friends. yes, friends the very backbone, the essence of the existence of our innoculated state. with friends, we need no rationality; no ego; and no decisions... they make them for us. and we follow; biscut to mouth-- following the hand that feeds it... rather the hand that pumps at, and vigerously strokes at its length of flesh; massaging the ego that is inflated by its own presence. take our cues from the only place that could be more irresponsible than we could manage: from those around us, less responsible than ourselves. and oh, how sad it is, that i must refer to them as such... but really what else are they? we; as self-indulged humans, desire only to further wrap into our sense of self, as skewed as we can make it; and these friends can provide oh so many more layers that we are too lazy to add ourselves. we can trust wholly in them, to provide the reasons we wont; we can trust in them to make judgements on our behalf, and we cant trust in them to chase away all that may bring dissarray to our bassinet of self-delight... so then in our apathy, and indulgence in our self-indulgences; we let our 'friends' become our guardians. we can let our 'friends' ward off the evils of another person, that may dare encroach on our self-righteous filth. bring suffering and misery upon those with the truth of our plights; so that we may continue on with our ego-building masturbation of self-desire. let all those nay-sayers meet untimely death and ridicule for their stances; and let our 'friends' decide who they may be. oh to friendship! oh to apathy! oh to those too blind from the truth, to trust the judgement of 'friends'.

Bob Dylan - Dont Think Twice

" well it ain't no use, to sit and wonder why babe if you dont understand by now || and it ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe, it'll never do some how || when your rooster crows at the break of dawn; look out your window and ill be gone || youre the reason im a travelin' on; but dont think twice, its allright "

its allways a difficult life for me. people like to add complications to everything i do; question everything i say, and demand to know what i think... then ultimately hate my ideas, act against my wishes, and want to argue with or censor anything else i have to say. its a wonderful feeling being wanted; but not liked. especially by all of the masses at once. its so rewarding, that at the end of each day, i can return home to the insults, jests and spite from others. god i love it. each day, i get even more reason to piss people off, and even more free reign to do it... you all open the gates, and in your actions; you justify my own. but. i dont dwell on this. i leave that for you all. i do my work each day, and i move on to the next. i admit to my faults, and my mistakes; and move past them. so stop watching for me out there; out in the realm of evil and vile perpetuate, ill be moving on as well as i can.

" ain't no use in a turnin' on your light babe, the light i never knowed || and it ain't no use in turnin' on your light babe, cuz im on the dark side of the road || but i wish there was something you could do or say; to try and make me change my mind and stay || but we never did much talkin' anyway... dont think twice, its allright "

some people appearantly think that, that alone is enough for me to change everything i do. not so. it motivates me to keep going. some day ill stop. some day, you all will wear me down so far, that i become nothing less than a nub of the honed point that i once was. and then, in my days of soft and unfocused actions; youll get your wish from me. smile then, all of you, on that day when i finally die, you will be free of me once more. until then, im sure your thoughts are not likely to linger far from that great hope, that lies just over the horizon.

" oh there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; like you never done before || an there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; i cant hear ya anymore || im a thinkin and a wondering; wondering down the road || i once loved the woman; a child i am told || id give her my heart, but she wanted my soul... dont think twice, its allright "

so you may be asking yourself, why is he all pissed off? to be quite honest i really dont know. its just a feeling i have right now. the feeling of utter contempt from those around me, abandonment, disillusionment, and disatisfaction... all rolled up in one big bite. then its back for seconds. i dont really know why. just not too happy with life and everything at the moment. so far this semester, ive enjoyed two days where i was away from home less than 12 straight hours. it grates away at my nerves. like bad road rash, i keep picking at it, and scratching away my existence, thinking it will bring relief, and it does not. not that im surprised. just that its not the way id have hoped it would be. so many things are just upside down from what i would have guessed them to be. sorry if none of this is coherent. its not really meant to be. there is alot running around in my mind now. its tough enough for me to make any sense of it, i can hardly imagine anyone else being able to do it.

" so long honey-babe; where im bound, i cant tell || goodbye is too good a word babe, so i just say fair thee well || i aint a sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better, but i dont mind || instead you just wasted my precious time, but dont think twice, because its allright "

there was a night, not long ago, where i just could not sleep. i knew, that at 4am, i just wasnt going to fall asleep... even if, it would matter, id have to be up in less than 2 hours. so i just layed there. and i thought. i thought alot about what its like to be alone, to be hopeless, and to be defeated; i thought about why none of that applied to me. and then i thought about why alot of that did apply to me. i thought, to myself, why was it i can never gain much security in the things i want most from life? i couldnt think of an answer. i couldnt think of why people avoid me. i couldnt find any reason or fault for why id be singled out and left behind. i couldnt find the reasons that friends would use language of a cruel and spitefilled nature towards me. i couldnt find a reason why all throughout my past, ive been rejected just for offering myself; no gimicks, no prizes, only me. i tried to think like i was you'all. i tried to sit, and find some sense to what you all do... to why you say things the way you do... to why you change your attitudes towards me... but i couldnt do it. i couldnt grasp the very essence of the question--- i couldnt get past the Why stage. i tried to think up all the reasons that some of you use to create different faces for me. at one moment your even, respectable and genuine. at others you are nothing of even a shadow of whom i know. and sometimes that takes minutes, and sometimes that takes months. i still cant get over the Whys. i lied, starring out the window, frosted over, looking into the darkness of the building across the street, through the leafless tree in the yard. i saw the tree stripped of everything colorfull. i saw the branches bare and gnarled, and the ground baren underneath it. i saw myself standing outside; gone were my colorful expressions and goodnature. baren were the branches of my friendship and companionship. stipped naked in the cold, dark land, i stood, only able to shake my hands at the faces, like mine, that must be staring out at me. no more sounds. no more protesting. all of it dropped now. like the leaves on the ground; my resistence too had fallen away to the slings and jests of those around me. those precious pieces of my, were nothing but crumpled aspirations, tarnished from the elements, ground under your feet... all of which in my plain sight; all of which i watched happen. i looked away from the window. i looked out past it. out to the cold pavement, the coolness and smooth texture, illuminated under the street lamp from the corner. i traced its path, from left to right; from past to present; and i saw on it, the path of my life. alone and cold, there was one man on the corner, he was moving away from the light-- but his back was not to me. no, he faced the windows into the world around; and stood broad stanced towards the faces that must look out to mock him. but he moved farther from the light. i watched him walk. his pace slow and uneven. large steps and short steps, heavy ones and light; but he moved on. far from my sight, and far away from those that must surely see him out there, all alone. by himself. moving to his future. it was as empty as the streets he walked at night; and thats how i felt when i thought that night. thats how it all seemed to be. thats how its all come to be. that is how you all leave me be.

Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Mountain of Blues

its been a while. its been a long while. by the calendar, its been only about a week, but in my mind and my life its been about a month. life moves fast now. now that everything is in hurry up mode. going to class isnt enough, gotta study too. office hours arent enough, gotta live at the office. makes for very long days. in fact the past week has shown me 4 consecutive 12-hour plus days... today being in the neighborhood of 15 hours. its not right. its not fair. but its how it is. i found myself dreading it, eventhough i knew the time was comming for all of this, but i still couldnt do anything about it. so here i am. tried, frazzled, frustrated. and looking at less than 6 hours sleep, before im on again for another 15. i really wish i could be one of those people that dont do anything. i wish i could be lazy and worthless, and not make it out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. for me now, i dont see the sun. im up and gone before its totally light outside, and home long, long after dark. it really mashes the days together that way... when you never see the daylight. when you cant really tell that today is different than yesterday, other than you think it is... according to the calendar atleast.

tonight is not really a good time for me to be writing in this .. i really do need to finish up on homework and get some sleep. but lately ive wanted to talk about somethings, that i just really cant. i wanted to talk about changes. i wanted to talk about the changes in people that ive noticed of late. ive wanted to, for quite some time, just speak a peace about their lack of peace. but i dont really have the words to day any of it. i guess im confused by it all, and a little taken back. one person, for example, whom a year ago, would have done anything but 'go out' is now at a bar, drinking the night away it seems. i knew it would claim another person, thats not the point. just that it was them. i dont understand why. i dont understand the changes that must be present in them to make that kind of flip in attitude and action. its depressing. and i cant help but feel guilty about it in some minor way. i can remember a conversation with another person about how, to me, they would seem to be the type of person that would relish in bar-ho activity, out of the interest in the attraction of others. they were pretty angry that i said that. but now. now they are one. now they are no different than the rest, only spared the anger im sure.. it was sent my way some time ago.

it must be hell to do that to yourself. to collapse upon all morals and descency and selfinterest; to sell it all out for attention from others, in destructive ways. people want to be known for whom they are. now they are known by a reputation, or an outfit they wear. people want to be loved and respected as individuals, and now theyve allowed themself to become one with the mass of destitute souls, interested, appearntly, in only the kind of love that doesnt need names, and lasts only one night. changes are all around us everyday, and its not that we are complacent to them. i question them. i dislike them. i wonder about them. but all of that really means nothing. just like the ideas we may once have held... the ones that we were willing to wash away with the lipstick on ourface from the night before... or flush down the proverbial shitter, as they flush away the contraceptives in the litteral shitter. they let it all mean nothing, when it means so much. they are content to settle for the immature desires of the flesh, and cry themselves to sleep in the nights of their agony, when they realize the futility of the dreams they really seek. its much easier that way. its much easier to look like all the other girls i guess. its much easier to sleep around like they do. its much easier to draw the attention from equally scandalous males, like all the other girls. its much easier to cry about your sense of identity and self that way. its much easier when you create the reasons for your misery. its much easier to make that change, than to live the alternative i suppose.

what was once nutured is now abandoned. i reallize my mistakes, and now you all can let me regret them as well. what do i mean? i mean i saw the people that were around me. i surrounded myself with them, because of who they were. and now, thats all they are... nothing more than who they were, standing, walking, talking, shadows that live in my mind. people who had genuine uniqeness and character unto themselves, now are devoid that. they chose it their way, they chose it the same way everyone else did. and it saddens me very much to watch it happen. one act here, one night there... now its twice per weekend... now its weekends and schoolnights... first its attitude, and then it was belief structure... and now? now the motivation is acceptance. acceptance into the one culture where someone as unique as them can be devoured into a group that values only similarity. a group that allows them to waste away into acceptance, and wash away the sins of individuality and maturity. let them brandish the scars of fleshy desires and tripe behavior in a secluded world of recluses... all gathered in one place... all gathered for each other's support. without that their identity's would shatter; if they couldnt support each other. if they couldnt gratify each other in an explicit nature. changes.

Current Musical Selection: Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)


STUPID SCHOOL
first week of classes... cant you just feel the excitement? not i. i havent even bought books for most of them yet. only for one class where we've had to be doing work in it so far. ill get to it at some point im sure. for now i just cant get too motivated about it. which is kinda ironic in a sense, because i have yet to skip a class... yes, its only the first week; but i like to start my habits early... never give the TA a chance to learn my name, so they never notice when im gone or not-- thats my method. it will happen soon enough tho. these classes are pains in the ass, lots of requirements to fill, and lots of busybullshit work to do for it. not looking forward to it. maybe one positive or two in them, Holstein is really cool. id allways heard alot about him from other students, but man.. he is very engaging. he lectures much the same that i probably would, and hits on issues and subjects that arent necessarily directly at hand. he spent 35 minutes, talking on the layered irony of the story of the serpent tempting Even in the Garden of Eden. he has an interesting read on things. very different than say... Steinberg. the vietnam class i was hoping to take as my fun class allready has me getting pissed off.... its not about the amount of work, its about the lecturing he does. several things had me hitting the desk and taking notes--- not for remember, but to look up counter examples of why his take isnt necessarily correct. frustrating. every semester i seem to find one teacher that does that. first it was Keith Driver in rhetoric, then it was Sarah Hanley in history, then it was Celestna Albonetti in stats, then Louis Gonzalez with environmental shit. this time its Allen Steinberg, with world and vietnam history. im dreading writing the papers for it now. ill never get the chance to write about what i think happened, ill be too busy spending my space refuting everything he throws out of his mouth. more frustation. thats really what i need more of in my life.

'POENAS DARE'
people arent much better. they like to toss complication on the fire, as if it needed more fuel to burn. i just try not to let it all get to me. its not that i dont see it, or dont care, its just i have to keep myself from caring about it all. im quite sure by now, that everything is intentional... everyone infact, does everything they ever do because they want to, and because thats what they want to happen. i dont buy the subconcious driven argument for most of this stuff. it just wouldnt come into play in most of these circumstances; instead, its a conceited and focused effort to do what they do. and i hope i never degenerate to what they do. when maybe my pure joy in life, or sole method of confronting life, was to ignore it. when my way of coping with people around me, is to hate them. i hope i never decided to totally shut off the world around me; that is actively seeking my attention and companionship. the man on the street corner i can, and will ignore, but the man next to me, who is trying to extend the frienship of one to another, i hope i never will turn away from; much as these people do. instead, its the simplest and most carring and compasionate of responses to accept his offer, and return the gesture [if need be]. but it is not as i would do. people are not as i would think. oddly, im the one labeled harshly for efforts of unnoticed activity. those efforts, never seen for what they are, ironically, are returned with overt actions of chiding nature, of snobbishness, of childish tantrums, and simple ignorance of the fact. it is the way in which i live my life, that i notice more so, the way others live their own lives. by no stretch of the imagination am i reincarnation of saint-hood or of moral correctness. i do though, exhibit the things in life of which i most believe in. but, it is i that suffers for each act that i do. each deed that i enter into, and each word that i speak; i am repaid with the debts of others moral fortitude. i seek the best in people, and am offered the worst for what i do in return. offer a gift: receive no thanks. remind someone of your honesty: they will lie to you. seek out those to enjoy special days with you: they will abandon yours and encourage you to partake in another's. the price of love is hatred and despise. speech is met with silence, homage and respect are met with despair and relent. and so i let it go. let them continue on their way, and let them do it without me.

AWARENESS
the past few days brought some especially interesting events. i guess its about being aware, and maybe i really havent been so much. a friend of mine from my freshman year here just had his father pass away. i had no idea. he and i were even in a class together this past semester, and he never mentioned anything about it. he didnt let on to anything else either... its sad. i know him, and his sister, and really he was one of the first people i met on my floor; he sits next to me in class, we make idle chat; but i never had any idea about what happened to him and his life. i never had any idea. and if i hadnt stopped to talk to him on my way through to eat dinner one night, i guess i might not have ever found out. its all really odd, how well you know people, but you dont. its about being aware of things that arent there, to beable to know whats going on. to see fully what the picture is showing, without being there to see it.

s.

Current Musical Selection: 'Mississippi' John Hurt - Spike Driver Blues

well another semester is about to begin... i cant say im excited in the least. more work. more headaches. more professors. classes start for me at 8am tomorrow morning... and here it is at 11:15, and im not even tired.. sleeping will be difficult tonight. so many things to think about and so many things i shouldnt think about. shit from last semester is still carrying over [of course] and future things havent even hit the radar yet. its going to be a long semester.

s.

so it happened. tonight was really the meltdown ive been expecting to hear for quite a long time. it was over grades, school, and the future. it wasnt good. they arent wrong. but i didnt get much time to talk about it, once everything was put out in the open. i had to show them my cumulative GPA, my course grades from all my classes, plus tell them everything about my stats/law class situations. again, it wasnt good. its been along time since ive taken school seriously; ive been able to breeze by in everything with such minimal work, that its not funny. this past semester was different in my mind; i think i had the most grueling schedule of work due in one weeks time, that ive ever had; which i did, and didnt miss one class doing it. but that doesnt show them anything. to them, that meant i was a procrastinator; a liar; and that i wasnt competent enough to take care of projects as they came up... not that i lived through it, and succeeded. instead, they yelled alot. i yelled alot. it went back and forth for a while about stuff like next year, this year, last year, future years. i was threatened with being yanked, right now, between semesters. i was also told i will be getting no assitance and no aid next year, whatsoever from them. and that was the best i could have hopped to hear. they mentioned the T word several times [transfer] as well as me pursuing a new major. neither of which are particularly feasable at this point in time; but that didnt matter. to the point that they will be requesting transcript copies if i wont. all over a few bad grades.

my performance hasnt been steller. but im not a flunkout either. my gpa isnt golden, and its below what id like... no amount of tears, yelling, or even hard-work will bring it back up to where id like it at this point. i never realized how difficult it was to recover from B's, with a couple F's thrown in... damn near impossible. the equal number of A's i had didnt help, and the C's of the past year or so have pulled it down farther. im still passing. i still have credit for everything. im not on probation or anything. but its not good enough. im by no means a faliure or a terrible student, but... thats tough to argue against the way it all went down. so now im here. im pretty broken in spirt, mad at myself, mad at my proffessors. and its not going to help anything. my grades will likely keep me out of the consideration of any tier1 law program, and likely now to push me out of any tier2 program, barring a killer LSAT score. so im not sure whats next. if i make it through all of this. i knew what i wanted to do with my life; but everyone says its not possible now. besides, my department chair of sociology laughed at the proffession i wanted... even when i held back my anger as long as possible, and asked her how a proffesion like that is something to mock, or something less than what hers is, sitting around in sheltered walls of academia... she sneered at me. i dont really have alot to think about now. the past wasnt so great. the present is pretty bad, and honestly: the future isnt looking good.


First Citizen:
Come, come, we fear the worst; all shall be well.

Third Citizen:
When clouds appear, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, the winter is at hand;
When the sun sets, who doth not look for night?
Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.
All may be well; but, if God sort it so,
'Tis more than we deserve, or I expect.

Second Citizen:
Truly, the souls of men are full of dread:
Ye cannot reason almost with a man
That looks not heavily and full of fear.
From Act II of Richard III

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Fueled

kick start and turn it over || punch drunk, but im still sober || 14 years, a whole lot bolder || and I don’t flinch || hungry and ill take the best || cuz I never wanted anything less || what doesn’t kill makes me stronger || its like a war inside me, action is all I know || tell me its suicide? Tell me something I don’t already know!

A lot going one right now. Not a lot I guess I want to talk about. Kinda strange huh? I tend to put down a lot of that kind of thing here, but I just don’t feel right in it. Just a lot of questioning and second-guessing going on with me. I'm questioning a lot of what the hell I'm doing in life anymore, and its not easy. It's not easy when you have to sit and argue with yourself, alone at night, that you are doing the right thing with your life. It gets stale telling yourself that some shitt-yass silver lining is in all this for you. It gets hard motivating yourself to get up and keep walking into day after day of complete fucking bullcrap. Tonight I don’t know if I won the argument. I think I only persevered because I was too tired to fight it… too tired to fight myself on it. Too many things wrong with it all, not enough going right. Someday I'm just going to give up on what I want, days like today speed that process along. Its not every day I feel this pathetic, just today. Just today that I feel shortchanged, trampled and cast-aside, all prematurely. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what the answers are, and I don’t even know what the problem is… it just isn't working out like I want it to…

s.

letting the rage continue to build.

rest of long ass thoughts will continue after my birthday. for my birthday, im content just to get phone calls and cheesy emails from people. gifts arent necessary, nor is money, just thought.

knowing that no one would buy it for me, i purchased the new In Flames cd.... Reroute to Remain... all i can say is the rage continues to build. every album these guys have gotten better, and found their own niche in the metal realm. sure, there isnt much demand in this age of 'nu-mehtal' [as they call it] for something like what they do, but god dammit, they are the best thing to come from sweeden since the envoys of bikini teams.

" you stole my pure intentions, you are the sickness in between. i'll bury the pain you taught me. to be sad as you almost made me take it all. let me in, ill bury the pain. you bend me and you shake me, you beg me then you break me. let me in, ill bury the pain you made me feel. like a sinner, now you feel youll die alone. let me in, ill bury the pain. the sickness that you are; a plague that made me starve; do you think you can show me how ive come this far? i feel its taking over and everything falls dark. break me open, the desparate cry. "
-- Anders Frieden; Metaphor

for now, let the darkness descend; let the shroud coneal, and the rage continues to build...

INTERLUDE

i hate this university so very much. the longer im here, the worse it gets to me. this semester, i had 3 teachers decide to fuck me on final grades. Marcella David, Stephen Wieting, its unfortunate its against the law for me to kill you; and Ken Kuntz, thanks for letting that curve hurt my grade.

i was banking on a B in my bible class; with kind of bad quiz scores, but an A on my paper, and and easy final, i was thinking it was going to happen; instead, im curved down to the C+, that hurts.... Marcella just decides to withold hold my law grade, for whatever reasons she might have; i still hate her. Then theres Wieting. Dickface, you need your teeth kicked in by a shit covered boot. I get a B on your midterm; you pull the final exam straight from hell, and then apperantly fail me on my research for the class; to give me a D... and in a majors class, that means NO CREDIT for the course... absolute assholes. i have 99 credit hours to my name; because of greasy, stained fuck holes like you; you keep me from graduating. because of your shitfuckingtastic foregin language requirements, ill never get to graduate; but now you all decide to band together, and rip my fucking grades out from under me. way to go. bravo. im impressed at your ability to work together. ive never seen so many pieces of limp, stinking shit mold together to do anything like that. it must just warm your hearts at night to sit and fuck over someone like me. someone that detests you and your pathetic attempts at academic pursuits; someone like me that loathes the social stature you have gained in your sheltered university positions; and someone like me that feels none of my true talents are ever reflected in your greasy palm-printed grade sheets.

fuck it straight up your asses. ring those grubby hands together, and warm in your delight; then shove them straight into your ass and milk your colon some more. delight in the splendor of your putrid brown juices, behold their color and viscoscity, and devour each golden drop. dont let your own selfrigheous pursuits keep you from enjoying the spoils of your 'work' that have nourished a body like yours; reward your self with all that is fit for you to sup on; so dine on your spectacular juices. let the odor of your royalty seep back into the stomachs of your kind that rot upon themselves from the very core of their existence. smile, and lick it all from your fingers... every last morsel of success that seeks refuge in your blistered and cracked anus. mash together those crumbs and make them a juicy slury; of creamy mocha consistency, and let it run down your face as you force feed yourself, more of your grotesque and disgusting bullshit; one more mouthful at a time. sit in your flock on the hill. marvel at it all. the wonder, the fury, the vivacity that you all have for feeding yourselves it. tongue down in it; wallow in its stench; and become what i see you all for. nothing lets me vanquish the feelings i have for you now; nothing but gravestones laden in fresh steaming piles defication would bring a smile to my face to hear your names again; i hate you all, very deeply, and in a very real sense.

End of the Year Report - installment I

Well its not really a report I suppose, its more of a summation of everything that has happened to me in the past year or so. This has taken me several hours and repeated instances to create, so bear with me for the next few days of text to follow [that is if you read as slowly as a blind illiterate whale]. While attempting to record what happened to me this year, it became difficult for me to try and find a suitable method of arranging my thoughts. There probably exists no great way to do this... so its all going to be jumbly and thrown up here by topic.

WORK
ARH is work. I think in one year's time I've learned this lesson better than many of my contemporaries have. To be able to make the job what it is, requires alot, ALOT of time and dedication to what you are doing. Everything requires extra effort and outside/off the clock attention. Secondly, its got to be treated as work. Everything requires the attitude of work, you can't let anything slide by, a second pitfall that people let themselves fall for. thinking that the organization is anything else than a job, is blasphemous. People depend on you, and look to you and what you do everyday, not as friends, but as contemporaries; as co-workers. To go home and be friends or friendly with them is a separate skill off the clock, but on the clock it cant be done any other way.

im also presupposing that what i do, you can actually call work. in the minds of the accounts and the students, its not a job- its just an elected position with a stipend pay. hell most of the students couldn't even tell you what or where their hall government was; let alone me. But in alot of respects thats changing; and its going to keep changing during the next year until i leave. ive heard from so many sources that my work is actually getting noticed: i dont know by whom; but that what ive done isn't going unnoticed like the past several years had. i think students are starting to recognize some of the things that they see, and they are definitely becoming more comfortable---but thats only the kids that i see; the goal for the organization for next year has to be to include more people; and to find a way to start this process earlier on...

but again; if you can call it work, and i think that it can be, then it definetly is. ive learned more about the inner workings and the casting call of the important people in this University in a years time, than i think much of the faculty could learn in a decade. i really should value what ive got more than i do. alot of people look at you funny when you tell them you are on a first name basis with the president of the university. even more look funnier at you when you tell them you meet on a regular basis; and your only a student like they are. its probably done something for me personally and professionally. i remember having a conversation last spring about this; and it being summed that my name was probably being used in conversations all over campus among the administrators... whether good or bad, i suppose it cant be that bad. maybe i haven't gained alot of top-shelf name recognition; but major players at the university are finally able to make a connection; and the connection im hoping to leave them with is to the kids in the halls; not to me. scott can wait; scott can always be seen for what he is, but its the position thats important. one of my fears will come up later in this coming year, when i finally have to give up and move on; without being a part of the hall government for once. im scared; not for myself; but for the organization. i think back to all the long nights; endless hours in the office; off the clock times; personal sacrifices and guarantees to back them all up with; to make the organization what it is now... and im scared because i dont see anyone worthy of inheriting it all. it scares me, because that means the past several years of my life, are going to get handed off to someone who will throw them aside, and tear down everything i worked for. i suppose its ironic that way really; i came into the system in about the worst setting imaginable; no competent people around me, no sense of direction from anyone, and i eventually rose my way up to the top post, and now im the one giving out the orders... i suppose its only fitting that it all be handed away to someone who probably knows little of the value of achievement associated with what they hold.

RELATIONSHIPS [of the romantic variety]
This is the one i probably most dread writing about, yet is the one that i probably have the most to speak on. Ive never been able to claim anything as a victory in this department. Even the times when i have, they weren't; they were just losses of lesser magnitude. My one major fault in all of this, is probably that i let myself believe that i can win; or that i have won in the past. Thinking like that usually creates alot of problems later on; which maybe im just beginning to realize now. So in that regard, if nothing else, the past year, and past several for the matter, have taught me little about relationships, and more about myself. Ive learned that i really have to be honest with myself over whats going on, if im to ever hope to have success in the future.

This year. Pretty much; a blank slate. I often joke that girls really do hate me; often as a method of laughing about the truth; and the truth is they do. Looking at the numbers, i came into the year with nothing, and at the time of penning this; ill leave with nothing. Nothing lost, but nothing gained. In between, i can also not claimed to have had anything. Noticing a trend yet? I did make efforts; several. if i remember correctly, i think i had a total of about 3 dates [by my judgement; likely zero by real world standards]. all three were friends, girls that ive know for several years; maybe that didn't help things. i guess all three probably were considering this to be a friendship type deal; so i shouldn't be let down when i dont get a kiss, or dreamy looks over dinner. Instead, two were badly plagued by problems... the other... well she just wanted to leave after awhile [oddly enough, once she found friends at the restaurant, she wasn't in a hurry to leave; only when i reappeared again, after paying the bill and waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes]. one decided to bring a friend with, unannounced. the other decided to cancel on me, and generally fuck up everything during the day of the date, so much tot he point that i was looking for excuses to leave. Neither went well. None of the three have since talked to me. Ok,so im bad with dating; guilty as charged i suppose. But, in my mind that doesn't warrant killing off friendships over it; especially not when you've known them longer, and better on those terms, than a marginally pitiful attempt at a date, by some lonely estranged man. But they have every right not to i guess; i suppose its coded in the Woman's Manual that way... every other relationship of similar nature has turned out the same way, why would these be any different? The answer is it shouldn't be... but i think it should have. I think, that because i tried, and because i kept these things separately, it should have come out differently. but it doesn't. it just make is all so more mundane for them. once again, for the 22nd year running; ive been seen by no one as something special, admirable, or attractive. just another person. its tough to think about it all that way; but how else can you? when i try to find the reasons why, they dont come to me. and when i try to prove myself wrong, i end up proving myself right. in example.... met a girl over a year ago, whom, in my mind became something more than a friend. yeah; maybe just a good friend... maybe just a really good looking friend... maybe just a good natured friend... and maybe she was jsut nothing at all. i never told her this; but after awhile; i started feeling myself slip down the same old paths... slip on the same comfortable shoes, and walk in familiar circles. Everything seemed very reminiscent of girls of old. Especially Jennifer. and with this girl; i started going down that path again.. not only did i start to believe that maybe i mattered [and i clearly dont!!!!], but i started to entertain the idea of loving again. maybe not love, per say, but loving... the action of, the expression of outwardly emotion in principle. i really felt like maybe this girl was something; maybe we had enough going, and maybe, just maybe, she thought so too. but ill never know. i never asked. i eluded to it; and got cold responses. i skirted the issue, even if i brought it up; and she never wanted to dance with me on it. it bugged me alot. i wanted to say something about it to her. it found its way into conversations and noticeable attitudinal changes with my friends, and it even bled its way over into my personal space here. Eventually it got to me. eventually i just wanted resolution to it all. she didnt. i could tell that she was, and still is, content not to have to hear me say anything like that to her. and thats frustrating. its frustrating to think that once again maybe you have found someone different than the rest, but it turns out to be just the same as ever... infact even more like before. its frustrating to feel like that all year, but thats pretty much how its felt. last year on my birthday; January 6th; i made my birthday wish that this year, i would actually find someone that would matter as much to me as i do to them. i doubt very much thats happened. and its not that i haven't met girls that meant something to me; its that i doubt very much that i mean anything to them. it comes out in the conversations you have; in the gestures they use, in the posture they hold, and the words they select. not once in my pitiful existence, have i ever felt that i was in a truly equitable relationship with a girl. even just trying to have friends has never really worked; it ends up that i always end up being too good of a friend for them; no matter how little i care; maybe its just the common decency i extend that prevents me from acting that way. but i can say that this year is no different. this year my one birthday wish never came true. it was actually something that i wrote down and carried with me in my wallet most of the year. i wanted to remember what i wanted; and id read that if you write down goals, they are much more likely to come true. what the hell i thought. it stayed there for quite sometime, up until the end of the school term. and by then, id had enough of reminding myself of it all. id had enough of being me. so i crumpled it up and left it in a desk drawer. it never left my mind though; it never was like i could forget what i wanted- because it still was what i wanted. so i spent the rest of the year trying. i tried, and i looked, and i searched in all the wrong places i suppose; even if i thought they were the right ones. and now, im almost back at that point in time, one year removed, when i made that wish for myself. and im wondering do i even have the will to try it again, against all the fucking shit its drug me through. if there really even is anyone out there that could possibly make good on my wishful thinking; and alot of times, i dont think so. so, it leaves me at an interesting position, how long should i have to go on waiting, until something happens? how long should i go on with nothing; wishing for something; but still not getting anything? im not sure if im going to make the same wish this year. i think i could end up being alot better off if id ask for money, or world peace or something like that; much better off than asking for something for myself like that.

i think in the last year, ive learned more about people than ive wanted to learn. ive learned that some of the most beautiful girls on the outside, really arent all that attractive on the inside. ive learned that some girls think they have everything figured out in life, but where they are. ive learned that girls always go for the short, stocky, short-bleached hair, with ear ring, business [or open] major, from Malones. the douche bag that knows less about the world than the calc class that hes failing. ive learned, that those are the guys that are attractive, the ones with no direction in life other than how to get to the house party. ive learned that the ones like me that want to be a bigger part of some girls life than they guy who bought her a drink; aren't attractive. ive learned that the sheer thought of picking me over one of them repulses alot of them. ive also learned that, no matter how i try, and no matter how much i may want something; its always going to be up to the other person involved. its always a question of 'he who cares the least, controls the most,' and i always am finding myself in the position of apparently caring more. its pretty unlike myself, i get alot of comments about how i dont care about things; but its not all true. i think i do care about alot of things; and apparently i care too much about some things, and about some people. i dont know, but i guess i wouldn't want it any other way really. people can go on about their way and never give me a second thought; although i may spend an hour thinking about just them. i give them their freedom i suppose, because i know they wouldn't like it reversed. i remain who i am and do as only i would do, because i doubt them to change if i would. so i suppose its pretty clear by now, that ive spent alot of time thinking about all of this. in the last few weeks, with friend-hookup week, plus with the constant pull of people into pairs over the entire year, its hard not to notice something like that. its hard to notice being alone, when everyone else seems to have someone else. its a lonely feeling. ill admit to that this time; that it does sometimes drag you down, near the point of depression. but its only from dwelling on it; so for that, i have no one to blame but myself. but as far as everything else; id like to think that its beyond my capabilities. i think in the past year, i tried to be much more outgoing when it came to females. i tried more, not for the romantic links, but for the friendship links; and even then i was found to be in error. its a totally different concept then keeping friends with males. even the girls who say they arent picky, or dont act like other girls, still do. its hard trying to keep up relationships of any sort with them; and its no wonder that its so difficult for me to gain any ground this way.

the next year kind of scares me in this regard. the longer i stay at Iowa in the capacity that i do, i think the longer im going to feel the way i do. not that moving or transferring is going to make much of difference, just that at this school, there exists a culture and a with it; a flare for the easy hookup. i just cant achieve that. when i mention im single; i get jeering words and puzzled looks. somehow people cant comprehend how its not possible to find someone here. i beg to differ, i cant seem to comprehend how anyone could find anyone here. ive tried. i do try. ive met some girls who, really would have liked to see things change with. there are times when i sit and think to myself, in a dark room, why did i say what i did? why can i find one spot, where i may have fucked it all up? its about the beautiful people, as Manson would sing. its about the beautiful girls finding the eqally nice looking males. its never about the ugly people like me, finding a beautiful girl like that, and i doubt it ever will be. thats why the upcoming year looks so grim on this horizon. im not happy. thats clear. i would like very much to fit in, and have a girl of my own. but i just dont see it happening for me. i dont see any girl thats willing to do that with me. even the ones that ive thought about, i cant see confining themselves to me. instead i see them bouncing around from person to person, for quite a while, before they settle for someone. for me, im more intent on settling. maybe not permanently, but i know i dont want a flighty bar-girl that wants to go out every weekend. i know that i want someone who has more substance than looks, but still is a looker to me. i guess i want to have a somewhat respectable relationship, or its not really worth doing. and maybe i fell short of my goal for this year; and maybe i didnt really meet any more people, or didnt meet the right one; maybe all i can say for myself is next year will be just as long as last year was.

[part II is comming in the next few days, as i finish it...]

s.