PS - yes it was.

if dreams come true...

i had one of those shocking dreams last night; that are so vivid and real, its hard to recover from it. not that it was horrific or anything like that at all. but just the realism of it. and it seemed like one of those funky premenition dreams... where you see something or experience something in a dream, then it actually happens just like that a few days later. i cant say it. i just cant. but if it did/does. i can see how alot of my friends will not be too happy, even though id be happy. i dunno. its scary to think about it.

wow. http://www.sukijones.com/pix.htm

i can only say wow. could these be doctored? yes. are they? most likely not. this is in fact slash and izzy playing with steven adler's new band. wow. christ on a stick i wish i lived in LA to see this show. adler is a washed up piece of trash... but 3 of 5 member of GnR on one stage aint bad! especially Izzy. i plan on seeing 3 of 5 as soon as Velvet Revolver decides to tour [Slash, Duff, Matt with Scott Weiland singing]; but Izzy... man oh man. ive heard the rumors that Izzy is going to tour. if so; i will quit my job to get off to see him if he comes anywhere with in 6 hours of Iowa City. appearantly they played 3 songs together, one of which was Paradise City... god damn. what a show. Izzy, Slash and adler. still... Izzy and Slash.

last night. man. why does everything have to go wrong when you never want it too? i realized when i got up sunday i was about on my last pair of clean boxers... ofcourse i have to work all day. then billions of hours of latin; so doing laundry was something that was going to get done at an odd time i figured. struggled through the day at work; of all people my latin TA comes in the store. fuck. hes too happy. especially about latin. after dealing with peoples crap for yet another day, i go home long enough to make food and go straight to the laundromat. which is full. a million black kids running around throwing detergent on the floor, climbing on the washers. it was straight out of BeBes Kids. even with headphones on i heard them screaming at each other. got done with that after longer than necessary, and was ready to go home. i pull in the lot.. and some dick parked in my space. so after waiting outside for over an hour for the police department to show up, we have him towed. as the truck lifts his car up [making a terrible screaching sound as they yanked it out of place when in Park], this halfwit stoned looser comes running out side. he tries pleading to me and the cop and the guy driving the tow truck; that he was only here for five minutes, and it wasnt fair. i told him to fuck off. hed been there over 2 hours, and was blocking TWO spaces [not just mine]. the cop said it was up to me. i told them to yank it. so this stupid stoner now owes a parking violation charge, the hourly fee for a wrecker to come out [prolly in the 50 dollar range], plus a fee from the police impound lot to get his shitmobile back. all i wanted was to go home. and go to bed. after all that i stayed up doing latin. fell asleep somewhere around 3am... and never woke up for class. and now... NOW i get to go back to work. what a fucking day. its not fair.

Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole

so i was walking home tonight. in the rain. and this is the song that struck me. i took 40 minutes to walk home from the library. thinking over this song. its one of those rare moments of clarvoiance, that i can remember every word. i was almost hearing the music playing as i walked. its such a powerful song. it hit me how much i miss lane staley. everything thing he wrote was so mournful and true. [he was the lead singer of Alice In Chains] they found him dead last year... in the spring... anyway i remember it was dark and cloudy the night i heard the news. he was one of the few singers that i can identify with. every lyric he wrote came from deep inside. but it wasnt from his heart... it was from his soul. and his drug addictions. he fought it every day. he hated himself for being addicted to shit. in and out of rehab. his body would just never let go of it, and he knew it. alot of his songs are about living that way. being tormented. about wanting to die to end it all. he had terrible depression from it all. but at times i identify alot with his sentiment. so i walked in the rain. i guess i sang to myself. no one heard me or seemed to notice. it was just me and lane.

down in a hole. losin' my soul. down in a hole. losing control.

so i walked on. around some neighborhoods i didnt know. just the darkness, the rain, and lane. thinking about life alot. about what its like living. about what its like to be down in a hole. about what its like to lose one's soul. and how id ever know when it was gone. how did he know? because he did. lane knew when it slipped away. he knew when he didnt have that sense of himself anymore; when the only thing his body craved was crap. he hated it. but he lived on. and i walked on.

bury me softly in this womb. i give this part of me for you. sand rains down, yet here i sit.

alots gone on. sometimes, i guess i lose a sense of grip on where i am. sometimes, i really feel like ive lost a sense of identity. or maybe i know ive gained a larger sense of it all. maybe just a better understanding on what i never knew--- on what people never knew about me. but the rain was cold. and i just let it come down. why stop it. why stand in the way. i just let it all go. walking around empty in the rain. and i just kept singing to myself. i just kept thinking about things. sometimes wishing for changes. sometimes not. sometimes, i guess i just hoped it would all go away. and i know it wont.

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved. see my heart i decorate it like a grave.

after sitting through my life the past few months; i dont know what to think. i dont know what i feel about it all. i guess there isnt much to think about. nothings really much the same anymore. nothings the same. nothings necessarily what i want it to be. and i just kept on walking; thinking about how lane saw those things infront of him. how, he knew he didnt want to be an addict anymore. how he could kick it; and how he tried so hard. then i thought about how he died alone. it was several days before anyone bothered to check up on him. i guess he couldnt take seeing it anymore. seeing his life turn into nothingness. watching everything wither, like he did on the drugs. his band fell apart. he relationships fell apart. he lost family connections. his life slipped away. he just couldnt keep pulling himself out of the hole. the drugs just pulled harder, until he gave out. and i wondered how it must have felt. to feel it go. to know you were hitting the bottom. to know, you couldnt reach out to save yourself that last time.

you dont understand, who they thought i was supposed to be

sometimes i feel myself slip. how about trying not to feel detached when you know you arent the one making people smile anymore. except when youre gone. that makes them happy. its so hard, when you realize there isnt much connection for you out there. when you really feel alone alot of the time. it tears you up, from the inside out. but no one knows. no one cares much. its just your feelings. just your preceptions, your identity, your sense of fullfillment. they never care much when youre gone. but you do. because youve got no one else left when they all leave you. in alot of ways, i do feel that way. let go of. tossed aside. crumpled up. definetely that i dont matter much anymore. i guess i can imagine what it might have been like for him. lane definetly would know what it was like for me. but we walked in the rain together. no one noticed me. they couldnt tell if you cry in the rain.

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line

well... this is going to be a short post for a couple reasons... mainly my hand. i cut my hand up pretty bad at work on saturday; some customer pushed me and the knife skipped from the box into the back of my left hand, right across my tendons. well... it hurts. i figure i had the blade a good 3/4's of an inch in to my hand, and it was at an angle, so the gash is pretty long and it goes under the skin instead of straight in... so it hurts. i had a hell of a time getting it to stop bleeding at work. i was actually starting to get scared. my fingers all move fine, just its a dull ache and moving my fingers and hand aggrivates the parts trying to seal shut. i suppose i should have gotten stitches; i guess it is bad enough. but ive been doping out on like 600mg bayer and trying to keep it bandages and liquid stich on it. its not so bad. just aggrivating.

also have exam, some latin readings and stuff to get done for bible class tomorrow... after spending 2 hours at the main library i had to come back.. i ran out of parking change. it really should be illegal to charge for parking at the library. i mean, come on. its not like the kids at this school use the library much... it would be encouraging if nothing else, for them to go there. sure tow away non library patrons; but fucking a. we cant need the money that bad to charge a buck an hour to read free books [that were paid off 60 years ago], cant we?

sad note. johnny cash died this weekend. i think we lost one of the greats. nevermind is crappy last album or so, which was nearly all collarborations with pop music lame-o's; but his real stuff from the 60's and 70's is pure gold. excellent songwriter, very unique voice, a man of convictions [namely the justice system... he vowed to wear black until the day he died, until every man was freed from prison everywhere] and definitely a man who overcame alot of personal issues in his life; and reconcilled with his past in his later years. play a song or three this week; or drop the dough and pickup one of his greatest hits cds for like 6 bucks in the bargain bins. give something back to the man that gave himself to music and made a difference in real people's lives.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - So Fine.

well here i am again. i suppose again is a wrong way to put it. its been something like a week since i last posted. honestly im not sure why. time has been moving pretty slowly for me, but i havent been able to be near a keyboard much to burn the hours away. instead, ive been working [last week was 31 hours], and trying to get through homework and class shit. so far im actually on task with all of the readings to be done [and ahead of schedule in one class]; other than that its just a struggle to stay up with latin. it makes me mad. i used to like the language... and on some levels i still do. but it frustrates me. we keep piling more on before some of this sets in, and definetly before im comfortable with using it. none of it is second nature yet. it still feels foreign to me. and i suppose it should. after all it is a FOREIGN language... but i would think after all this time some of it would start feeling natural. not so.

today also dug me deeper into time committments. i stopped by my soc prof's office hours just to ask about an example he cited in class... i ended up staying for nearly an hour and talking shop about lots of things. hes not such a bad guy. hes young yet [only had his phD for 5 years], but he is learning. hes pretty open on things and sounded like he really appreciated the feedback on class stuff, as well as having someone different to talk to about his research. which, is where my time committment complaint comes in. turns out my question/his example, was from a research article he is proposing and having little luck getting published. before i knew it he and i were talking about alot of the intricies involved with micro-level accomodators in social/civil rights settings. whew. i didnt know much to begin with, but i picked up alot on the fly. anywho. i now have a copy of his paper in hand [all 50 pages], and he wants me to do a review of it. so i guess ill be learning quite a bit more about that then i figured i would have. regardless it is kinda cool to know that i will be making suggestions and revisions to something thats potentially going to be published... and ethically he is required to cite my name in the article for helping him. thats cool. not that it persuaded me to do it or anything. or that id know why. im still trying to figure out how i got stuck doing this in the first place. but hes got some interesting ideas about race and social movements that just arent popular to study now days. so its kinda neat. i still dont know anything, but its still kinda neat. minus the 50 pages in length.

work is a fun thing to talk about as well. im not sure why. but it is. most of the people i work with are pretty cool. some are the laziest sacks of shit ive ever met in my life. all in all, its about all one could expect from retail. its paying my rent, so i shouldnt complain alot about them... other than im way outselling people who have years of experience on me. but no hard feelings. none at all. i just try to focus on talking through things with customers about what we have and what works for them. thats all it takes. besides, standing around talking to people all day about technology isnt too difficult. not nearly as mentally taxing as reading about social political theory, and quite a bit less involved than moving stacks of paper around. dont get me wrong. its not going to be my lifes work. but for a college job, it could be alot worse. even if you count having to clean bathrooms occasionally.

god whatelse has gone on? well the main project has been put off the back burner. ill break this, i own a magazine. originally we were looking to publish an issue at the end of august; but due to a bunch of reasons... one specifically dealing with legalities and copyrights, its been pushed back indefinetly. i dont like that. but its got to happen. as soon as i can, ill put out alot more on the pub' its self. i think its going to be cool... if some other snags can get worked out. lets see... i stopped back in dport for a night this weekend; really it was so brief that there isnt much to say about it. got there around 10:30pm, left for iowa city about 8:30pm the next night. all i really went back for was to get a few things that were left at home... still a bunch of random shit sitting around; but its empty in my room at home now. kinda scary. either way the dog likes to root around in there now, im told. thats kinda funny... she never liked it when i was there or my crap was there. just now that its an empty room she likes it. that and she has my futon to pass out on during the days.

well the only really good thing came up the other day in a conversation with a customer at work... shes a law student; and was filling me in about the entry process in to the law school here. after listening to her closely; ive surmised that i may have a chance at school here. im just not sure if im willing to take it. as it sounds id have 2 out of 3 possible avenues covered for special admission [since my gap [[ or lack there of ]] wont help me]. that was actually good to hear. not that im certain id want to go here. but i could have a chance if i really wanted to stick it out.
theres so many reasons why i shouldnt even consider this place. people is one. the town is another. the staff over there is a third. but for the price, it might be something to consider. i really cant beat instate tutition like that. my current top choice [pending lsat's] is in ohio... and its pretty reasonably priced [for law schools], but it cant compare to instate iowa dollars. something to think about i suppose. gee, as if i didnt have enough to worry about as it was.

guh. lastly is my good news... incase you all live in a fucking hole, a new GnR track was played on a New York radio show last week. it is reportedly just a bootleg of a final track... but the sound quality was supposedly studio... that AND sanctuary management [GnR's management company] converged on the show to gobble up the cd. good or bad? very good. no one would care much if it was a shitty version, or something falsely reported as GnR material... the fact that it was good quality, and they backpeddled to cover it up... [and i do mean coverup... the radio show is syndicated... but oddly enough NO STATIONS IN THE COUNTRY have received taped copies of that show now...] but finnaly after 10 years, and a failed tour. . . it looks like something might be emerging. tommy comes off tour this week, and by his words is to head back to the studio for last minute checks... very good news indeed. i think Chinese Democracy might actually happen. no idea on when; but it is coming. which is probably good. i could use a new soundtrack for my soul.

i dunno.

thats about all i know to say. ugh. complimentary infinitives. hate em. i wonder how many can be used in a sentence to draw attention away from what it is to be told, before will begin to wonder what to think, and if it is possible for it to be somewhat unwieldly in the minds of those who wish to ponder and to better examine the words which i am to write. tired of languages. tired of grammatical rules. i gave up on latin tonight after being nearly finished with it, but i couldnt take the last two paragraphs of translation. it was nothing more than garbage thats too wordy for its own good. atleast i got to laugh... the moron from iowa city... mr. rouche; who allegedly called in a death threat to the woman alleging Kobe Bryant of rape; has made national news now. appearantly Lacey/Scott Peterson news is so slow we have to stoop to drunk idiots in iowa for our dose of court musings.


it keeps me distracted. im tired. confused. sick. hurt. all the those things and something else i dont know. but i dont feel right. i think im going to bed, instead of writing anymore.

1st Ever: 40s 4 Phun Night

scott: rabbit... you better not be drunk off one bottle of that crap
rabbit: oooooh yeah i am. [stumbles gettin out of chair] how do you open the fridge? [shes pulling on the wrong side of the door]
mouse: ugh.
scott: thats pathetic, babies drink more than that on the way to fingerpainting

mouse: i assure you im not in jersey dishes
[she meant the porno: Jersey Jizzers]

scott: [typing quote out]
mouse: oh shit.... its me i know it.

coach: god give me a break, ive had a mickeys im buzzy
rabbit: yeah, then youre behind me...
scott and mouse: *laughter*

breaking benjamin - polymorphous

rabbit: why izzznut she drunking anything shes the least druzdrunk [to mouse]

coach: dude i think i spilled some out of the bottle... [1/3 of bottle is all over carpet, and dripping on my chair]

rabbit: i was moving down to make room for mouse on the bed too
scott: kinky

scott: dude, youre going to hit the door
coach: no im not... its right here [waives arm]
scott: dude.. thats a wall.
coach: shut up scott

scott: you want people talking about your ass
coach: no i dont.. it a nice ass, but i dont...

coach: dude, you better get in there [scotts room]
scott: why
coach: rabbit is 'presenting' to you!
scott: nooo. [looks] oh geez. she passed out in my bed

rabbit: what the hell kinda game is this, stephanie looses?
scott: kinda. its called scott wins, but you get the idea.
rabbit: woah! no groaping
scott: that wasnt groaping, this is... [grabs]

coach: *vommit* aaaaandrea.... *dry heave* dont let me get this drunk *vommit* again.

coach: why didnt you give me a pillow last night?
mouse: because you would have puked all over it
coach: i would not... everything made it into puke box... see. its a little crusty now, but its all in there.

coach: man... puke bucket fills up... and then... then! he empties and hes ready for more!!!! waaah!

the final totals....
rabbit: 4 Stoli Mixed Bottles, wine sips... passes out from it
mouse: 2 Stoli Mixed Bottles, partial Mickeys, wine sips... walks away unschathed
coach: 2 Mickeys 40s, 1 budlight, 1/4 bottle of wine... obliterated and puking.
scott: 1 Old English 40, 1 Cobra 40, 2 Budlights, 1/4 bottle of wine... but only slightly buzzed

Current Musical Selection: Jimi Hendrix - Like A Rolling Stone

"But Only Once Through The Glass I Did See..."

so much to say. i dont really know where to start with it all. the last few days to a week have just been a continual haze on my thoughts and soul. people tried to talk to me about it. some are good friends, some are people i know, and one is just little more than a complete stranger. and none of it seems to help. because the more i think about it, the more it hurts. im still thinking about what happened with the last one. and why do i still think about her? i dont know.

everyone makes sure they tell me about whats going on with her, if they see her, if they talk to her, whats shes doing and who shes with... im certain no one says much about me to her. im also certain that she probably doesnt care either. so why does everyone do it to me? i guess they know it affects me still. so where does that leave me? out here. on my end of town, in my room. by myself. getting IM's from people telling me more of it. while i sit and fill the big black book with more things as each tingle moves up my spine. [the little black book was long ago abandoned, as i got one phone number in 6 years]. instead its the black book thats the carbon copy of what i think about and how i feel. ive noticed ive gone from light pencil, to blue ink, to now black ink and lots of heavy dark pencil. its poems, its prose, its pictures. things that just end up being what i can reflect from myself. things that i guess i lie to myself about, or other people, that i just cant lie to the paper with. i guess some of it just happens to be me. just happens to be the streak inside myself that ive always pushed down. its like a sense of just utter revokation of life, happiness and all things that are pleasureable for everyone else around me. and instead, its just about living through a dark existence of anger, discontent, and solitude. where success is measured in rejection, and change is nothing more than greater sadness and pain. i wouldnt call it depression, or pyschological disorder. but i can see people thinking that. its different somehow. i guess. and maybe its not. this feels like just something thats been induced. never a constant way of looking. and it stays longer and longer now.

i remember the first time i hit it. i was in late high school; and it came from nowhere really. looking back, there was a lot that lead me there. but being stoodup to dances, screwed with by teammate, ridiculed by females, and resoundingly pushed away at any advance, the frustration eventually gave way to something much darker than i wanted to admit to. i never quite had the same sense of things then. things were about anger, were about getting even, were about fucking it up. and i did. i started playing darker music, hung out with some more misfit type people, and deluded myself with drugs and alcohol when necessary for a while. i guess i surrounded myself with all the things that i knew would understand why i felt the way i did; because i had no idea how i felt the way i did. thats when i started writing. i started keeping thoughts and pictures. but back then, it was mostly words. ironic, how im back to that point; but that was the other way i decided to cope with it. because being the kid that no one wanted wasnt a pleasant experience. and things like that dont change much. they just get more frustrating.

"...A Fleeting Image; But A Ghost Who Shimmers On The Edge of Darkness..."

so im here, on my own, thinking about everything that was, and there isnt any positive to come out of it. a cool girl from chicago was talking to me, asking whether i thought there was ever a chance anything would happen again; and i know the answer is no. but i said no way. but i wish there was a way. a way that would show me how to stop feeling like i do about all this. it almost seems that to everyone else involved, the feelings that im going through are nothing and shouldnt be happening to me. despite that, they are. and its not comforting. there is no comfort. i wanted so badly to be able to cry about it... just because you always think that crying atleast makes you feel better... it atleast puts some of those feeling out on the pillow. the wet tears are your souls way to bleed some times. and every once in awhile, we all have to let it out. but i cant. save the tears that might come up out of frustration, when i think back about how bad i feel to get burnt. how much it hurts knowing you put your entire heart out there with someone, and they walk on it, and walk away. no remorse.

so sometimes i wonder about my sanity. somedays i think i know what it might be like to be driven over the edge by things. theres always the constant stress and presure that work, friends and school put on me. and then theres my own guilt, my own baggage that i sort out. sometimes its nothing, sometimes its a freight train full; and theres rarely a derailment. the whole car is just obliterated. maybe thats more like what it felt like. having put that much of myself into it again; to know once more what it was like to have been happy, and to make someone happy; and to let people know how much it made me happy. then to watch it explode. like a shotgun to the face. that split second later; between the pull of the trigger, and youre standing there waiting for it to hit you. and it does. its the longest second of your life. its has to be the shortest, but its the longest too. because its the only memory you ever have again. then everything you hoped for; you wished on, you worked for, you took pride in, everything that you ever fucking loved about someone else... its blown all over the wall. nothing else is left but smoke and a hole. and once again, you get reduced to nothing more than stains and shit that ruins everything it touches.

but going over the edge is something i hope never happens. sometimes i think i can come close. closer than i need to; and closer than i should be; for safetys sake. sometimes i want to know what its like to ruin things. to be free to fuck everyone in the way that it feels to be fucked with. to know that im responsible for someones heartache; and not my own. i wondered once how many people i could take out. its sick. because i know i could get quite a few. but then again it isnt. its perfectly natural to think that way. minus the killing. but to convey hurt back out on the world that seemingly only you ever take in. that everyone else is free from these manicles of digust and discontent. instead, its abstract thinking that way, sitting on a crowded bus that makes me think that some of what im thinking about isnt so bad. times like that, when i realize that i know im not that far gone; when i know i have other depths to go to in my mind. thats the suspense though. when does the storm finnally end; and will i know it when its over? but for now all i do is stare out the window. listening to the voices in my ears. reminding me of the lifestyles ive avoided; that everyone indulges into; that some have only sunk lower into. and i remind myself, that someone has to make it out of here.

so then my thoughts have to turn to saving whats left. sometimes thats scary. to look in the glass infront of me and see whats still sitting there. my reflection is pale against it. the faces and everything surrounding me arent friendly. so how does one beging to seek something worthy of salvation? how do you know who is really there on the otherside, how can you trust what you see; when you cant trust those who see it? its about learning by feel. going one fingertip at a time, to reconstruct the things that maybe only you see-- only those things that they neglect. the things you know that are still burried and blurred under that sheet of glass; because you see it in youre own eyes. its not hope. its the truth. the world will move beyond us, and those that stand along the road only watch you go past. seldom will they offer a hand, few may offer words or encouragement. instead it is a path that we each walk on our own. our own solitude. our own ideas. our own misgivings. and our own strengths. and this is the way that i must walk it, so i can return to what i knew before; and what i hope to sometime know.

... And It Is The Look, The Favor And The Eyes That Belong To Me."* just something i wrote once

5 friends
2 cases
some quotes:



mouse: ive had loads from boxers thrown in my face... oh wait

Scott: why are we throwing shit at my balls
mouse: were not
coach: actually that was me.... you know i want a piece of that scott

scott: i dont think theres a better word to describe him than, Dork
coach: yeah no shit; hed be like... i have friends... on Everquest
scott: he never left that fucking game
jeff: yeah like the only time he did was when we made him buy us booze
scott: i bet he probably took a dump in a bag so he didnt have to stop playing
coach: nah he just took it on Everquest

coach: ha! chineese railroad workers allways took it in the butt.

coach: are you ok to drive man?
jeff: dude, i was way more trashed when i drove home from the country club last week...

coach: yeah, qvqa
scott: shit
jeff: how would that work, two dildos
coach: i dunno, thats alot of action in one small space
scott: i think you might start needing cranes and wires at that point

khaldee: i dont like cats
scott: whats wrong with pussy, you dont like it?
khaldee: ugggggh.
laughter
scott: i know some other girls that like pussy... quite abit.
khaldee: anyway, i was saying Mouse had cat hair all ove her shirt
scott: hahahahahahaha
khaldee: oh god
coach: hahahahaha

Current Musical Selection: As I Lay Dying - Forever

its a band that really, really, isnt half bad. some local outfit in SoCal. what makes me think ive heard them before? because i have. its almost a note for note rip of one of my favorite bands... In Flames. from sveeeeden yah. anyway, its worth a quick spin sometime, id give them my 10 bucks, but i scored the stuff off mp3.com for nothing.

anywho. about me.

stuffs been keeping me busy. i had some downtime today, which i felt odd about. i hope i dont have this much time on my hands later in the year, or this school term might progress very slowly. just nothing much to do. im sure when i have latin pumping again, that will cure that. id say 70 percent of my room is up and assembled; so for those of you keeping score at home... moved it all, sorted it all, and now have it all up and runing in less than two days. pretty good i think. left me time to work today. started the new job, so you know how that is. lots of tax forms, boring ass lectures and even more boring ass movies to watch. all about the company tag line. "that was easy" then i get my nifty new shirts to wear. "that WAS easy" and spotted in on the rest of the schedule for the week. im not sure im happy about it, but i need the money i suppose. theres just no getting around that fact. and i get paid everyweek here. thats bad. it means im going to want to spend it before i need it. also bad because ill have smaller amounts to worry about. i kinda liked getting 500 dollar checks. but well see. tomorrow i actually start doing things. im scheduled all day; and this is the peak school shopping season. talk about trial by fire. even the manager was commenting about that; she said she didnt normally do this; and some of the other new hires are waiting a week or so to start. not i. ill be in the fray. but im working electronics and computers. so i think im ok. i just have to learn the tag line "that was EASY" and learn the stock we carry. thats the hard part. i like driving people to whats best, not necessarily whats on the shelf. Total Paintball lost some sales that way; but they also gained alot in business from people who knew me to be looking out for them; the stuff they knew id sell them was a good deal.

then theres the class thing. bought my books today. i had to rebuy one of them. the damned latin book fell apart on me last year, so they get another 20 bucks from me... assholes. then my research class. fuck me. 86.95. used. this has got to be The Last damned research manual and procedures book ill ever need to buy. judging by the shelves i now own all of them they sell. so i wasnt happy with that. but i just hope i get my moneys worth out of that book. and that professor. a visiting one. that just thrills me to pieces thinking about. either Sorranto will be incredibly difficult, or a total pushover. pushover would be nice. but i know ill have to learn this stuff; and this semester is the hardest one for the major. so well see.

tired. yawn. getting up at 5:45 beat the hell out of me. i couldnt fall alseep for the life of me. i spent two hours rolling around. its hard getting to sleep in a new place for the first time. i hope tonight will be a bit better. getting so tired. and its only 10pm

the past few days have gone by pretty fast. scary. i was looking forward to spending more time around the house with my family; but it hasnt happened... why? jobs. m-o-n-e-y. as in the pursuit there of. so i spent this week applying and interviewing all over town. after 4 interviews, 3 job offers [all three were on the spot] i picked one. it wont make me as much as the other at Sears could have potentially made... but ill do it. low stress. no pressure sales really. plus ill get raised fairly often. the hours are normal retail too. cant be that bad. so for now, atleast, im employed again and start monday morning at 8am. fun. there goes any chance of having down time in iowa city. that also means that saturday will be my last day in the QC. ill be moving the last of my crap... (read: heavy stuff) in tomorrow. i suppose i could drive back to dport for the day sunday; but i dunno. id rather spend time getting un packed and finding things in boxes and getting my trademark posters back up on the walls... my room at the apt looks too dull with out GnR plastered all over it. plus ill need to buy groceries and fun stuff like that. eating is a good thing. especially when youre fat like me. but its going to be interesting. some of the butterflies and things are starting to hit me. this is going to be my last year in iowa city; absent a God sent miracle to have me admitted to Iowa's Law program... so its bittersweet. i definitely need out of this town. just driving into it i feel it again in my stomach. i hate the kids, the culture, the attitude the evervescence of alcohol mixed with vomit that is the local town smell on campus. i dont want it. its a gutless, Godless society of helpless children, bent on moral dissolution and chaotic pleasure purges, strung out on mom and dads cash. and i dont fit in. just a few classes left and im out of here. i hope. but the big day is a ways off still. gotta focus on moving crap first. hopefully traffic will be light in the apt parkinglot. the parking sucks. about 9 buildings use one access road thats scarcely wider than a lane... the parking in my lot is attrocious. we park car-fucking end to end... not side to side like the rest of society. oh how Chairman Mao has blessed us this great Republic, with these ideas of parity and balance. you do know Hanoi---- Iowa City fell to THEIR control in the early days of the war. so i sit. in the apt surrounded by rooms of people drinking and partying and the like.. why? because they get to go to school. ignorance is bliss. im out.

Current Musical Selection: 2nd Best - Lightning In My Head

two things on my mind... one because of the other...

first and foremost, why cant i sleep? my sleep schedule is so fucked up its not possible to try to sleep during normal hours. i tried tonight. got back up and ended up watching Entertainment Tonight till 3am... went back to bed. after laying there for an hour and a half, im plopped infront of the linbox. ugh. i wish i could sleep normally. its going to kick my ass come this week; when im searching for jobs and moving all of my shit in at school. i figure this will be my last week at home in Dport, only because i need to get a job up and going and earn next month's rent before its too late.

ooooh yeah. theres lightning in my head. and youll never understand.

so the lack of sleep is letting my mind wander. nothing else to do in the dark, when it gets so quiet. so i sit and think. remember how i was starting to make a bitch about marriage and that clock ticking? thinking about it now doesnt make things sound any better to me. yeah im young i guess. but after sitting through 3 weddings this summer, several last... it starts gaining momentum in one's mind. combine that with being scared to read the paper almost, to see who else is engaged or recently married. several classmates are showing up now, and alot of others allready are. i suppose that doesnt mean anything. and in of its self it does. its ironic that the idea of two people meaning something to each other isnt supposed to mean anything to me. but thats how everyone is suggesting i think of it. i suppose i can sit and look to all the wonderful 'winners' of life that have managed to stay single this long. i dont think anyone would want me to make them my idols.

being broken up with makes me feel worthless and rejected, and running into jennifer a couple weeks ago just continued to bring out the feelings of uselessness. really it has nothing to do with how i really see myself, its just that it becomes hard not to get caught up in that sensation. when everyone is passing you by it shouldnt feel good to not feel something. not only am i behind on graduation schedule, but im behind on the marriage/relationship track of where i should be; compared to everyone else. so that all sits on my mind late at night like this. thinking about the next few months of my life, im not seeing much resolution to any of the above thoughts. ofcourse you can always say that i never expected to end up where i did about 6 months ago. i dunno that seems so long ago; its still pretty fresh, but then at times it feels like it was years ago with people i dont even know anymore; even if i was one of them.

truth be told, ive never been happy being single. i hate it. i detest it. ever since i knew what it was like to be in a relationship, ive never wanted to be without one. yet here i am. i want to feel like i matter to someone, that little things that i might do; that are entirely stupid; could mean something; even make someones day. shit like coming home from work; and watching someone smile to see you; that kind of thing matters to me. thats the kind of thing i dont have; and im not expecting to have for a long time. the roommates are cool; but lets face it im not who they enjoy seeing. and now im going to be living in that situation; immersed in people that enjoy each others intimate company; but not mine; worse yet they can do it in a way i can not.

im not sure why it matters to me. but it does i guess. the past couple years have been pretty rough down in a hole. a couple people figured that out by talking to me and reading this space... sorry. its not depression; because i am happy, i have things to do, i have motivations and aspirations, and i live each day. yet its just such a sore subject, that when it comes up it gets to me. so somehow people seem to think that if i just ignore it all; like doing nothing but short of burning out on other activities, ill never notice it and it will just go away. and it doesnt. i came close to burnout this past year. hell im on the verge of it now. all it did was burn me out; all those passions and urges are still there, they never go away. instead ignoring them just lets it rot away into something putrid thats more hurtful when i come back to it. im the kind of person that needs to sit and work through the problem, and its hard to find an angle to work on per say. really its just all about hang ups, past attrocities and the nightmare that is my life in misguided achievement of a lasting relationship. its gnarled. its dark. its twisted. im not whore or anything, but there have been quite a few names when i think about it; and none of them are favorable. they all branch out and form some dark tree that is my history. you cant put sunlight on something like that... it only shows the scars and gaping wounds that exist on each limb.

the pleasantries really just escape me sometimes. ive been sitting and drawing in a book lately. dark images, dark words. i want to sit down and write about happy things; but this is what comes to mind when i try to think on it all. i try to find the good things that were there; and yet i keep venturing farther into the void. sometimes i question why i bother. why i even bother to try and reflect on where ive gone wrong and where they went wrong, and it seems pointless. its seems like each page is only justifying me further to be angry, misguided and lonely. its not feeling sorry for myself, its more of a maturation of discomfort and unrest. its about being angry about what happend when i try to be happy. its about wanting to have happy memories and remembering the fights and the terrible times. its about reliving what people my age just putdown and walk away from. but i go through it all. each time i turn over the next page and look at it blankly. its fresh, its clean, its free from burrs and defects... nothings snared it yet, nothings criticized it, nothings hated it, nothings felt the need to lie about whats on it, it hasnt been shredded and ripped apart by loving hands, it hasnt been taped back together yet to be left in a heap. so sometimes the simplicity of having a clean slate... of having a conscious that wasnt dirty and didnt decide to reside in the realm of reincarnative memories; is something i wish i could have again. maybe i never had one. maybe ive always been the one to feel guilty for everything. maybe im the one thats never felt the need to compromise, and sometimes you gotta pay that bar tab off. everyones got to.

see i ramble alot still. i guess im not sure how im thinking about all of this. i think its pretty common knowledge that i dont; or try not to reread what i write here or edit any of it. sometimes stuff seems to wander then, but the really important stuff stays clear. and here ive been warbling about a subject, hours after i should be sleeping, and i dont even know where im at with what i want to say. that says alot though. i really dont know where im at with what i want. for the first time in a while im starting to feel pressure about things i cant do anything about. i cant dictate when i fall in love, nor who its with. and i damn sure cant do anything about it when it all turns to shit once again. to me, thats somethign thats very difficult to deal with. i run things to the penny. i had a streak at the craftstore of something like 9 weeks where my cash drawer was never off a penny. even through christmas season. i am something of a meticulous creature, yet i take leaps and bounds. i think i even surprised the queen of random; by out doing her at somepoints with it. but in my own special way, its so calculated even my random streaks [to you] seem like straight lines to me. and at times i guess i just surprise myself with where that line leads me. like here. im not sure how i got here, and im even less sure what im talking about. its about clarity. its about understanding pain. and maybe i dont know much about how it works.

maybe that makes my first problem a little easier. i probably cant sleep because i cant figure anything out. or its probably because the ass clowns at work made me do 1st, 2nd, 1st shifts one week then 3rds the next. but my sleep has been somewhat erradic the past year or so. arh did alot to alter that. as did 7:30 am classes. and part of it is myself fighting myself. maybe im growing out of the late night awake pattern and starting to even out to the morning patters. then a few nights like this throw me for a loop. i dunno.

i do know that i still want what i did want. i want a relationship. id like to have a girl that actually wanted to be around me, and more so than just to insult me. or the occasional brain-picker. something that resembles a mutual relationship, staring me and her. maybe ive got issues surrounding my dating past; but that doesnt allow people to bring issues over to me. and i try my damnest to not let that happen. but none of that matters when youre staring blankly at a dark wall at 4am. looking past pictures of you with someone that remind you to smile and be happy, but do nothing more than twist a knife in your heart to see it. that weapon is guilt and its sharpened by knowledge. it sinks in deeply and it bites very sharply... it will cut you deeply and leave you open for whatever to come your way next. and when i think about it thats what happened to me.

after seeing jennifer again... god i think thats twice ive reference her now... it reminded me of alot of the flaws and things that went wrong with me trying to have sustained emotional relations with another human being. importantly, i forgot that they have to enjoy me too. it took me over two years to really remember that. and this time when it knocked me over, i wasnt done looking back at the last time. everything felt right, felt familiar, but new. it was fresh. but it was all undenieably right. thats what bothers me later on now. how right it was, and how wrong it ended. but i have that kind of time now i suppose. all the time that loneliness will afford is mine to dispense. so i sit in the dark and think about things like that. i think about how simple it looks for everyone else. sure, they have a small slip up; a small fight. or maybe its something obvious. maybe he hits you, maybe you cheat on him. whatever it is, it all looks so simple to me. it makes me realize how complicated of a relationship i tried to pull off with someone who cant handle that now. it all looks so simple now, because back with others it was. maybe i didnt pickup on the things as they ocurred then, but they were simple. one was clinically diagnosed, one was addicted to weed, one never wanted to leave her boyfriend, one just wanted her old boyfriend back, and one never liked me. now i think about how hard it is to add one to that list; one that now cant love me. its not as simple as i wanted it to be.

its hard to move on, but i know thats where i need to go. on. away. moving back to iowa city isnt going to do that for me. even moving my stuff in and picking up the keys with jeff, i started feeling panic-y. i see places, i think things and its all back again; when i want so badly to berid of all of it. thats why i moved out of the dorms. honestly, its not going to be cheaper for me... unless you count it out in the long run... my parents refuse to pay a dime of it. so i owe rent, utilities, food, tuition, books, car/gas, bills, phone, and not to mention spending cash: all on my own. when everyone in this town has mom and day pay for everything, im alone on this one. money isnt a good subject to me. i was slowly eroding credit card debts... which for a college student im below the national average... but its going back up. it just will. not to mention the 400 dollar cloud over my head every month; that just gives me a place to live with lights. dont count feeding me. mom laughed at me when i suggest 150 a month on food. she knows me too well. i wont eat out, or fast food or anything expensive like that. but i eat. i guess it works out to less than 5 bucks a day. i know shes right. i hate that too. so on top of that, i get to deal with 30 hours of work a week, or more. that just keeps the hole from getting deeper, it doesnt get me out. the only rope that could do that is this fucking bachelors degree, that likely wont earn me shit- so its a good thing i plan on more school- and thats got me 7 guaranteed classes to go. of which i can get no less than b-'s in. otherwise i wont get credit and i wont graduate. so theres pressure for all of this riding behind any problems i thought i had. but i force a smile. i lie like i know i have to. thats not even counting in my new project; which rapidly bringing stress, so far ive avoided investing cash; all ive used is my own time. all i want is to be happy. to have someone to be happy with/for, and to have a job that i work at that allows me to live in something above poverty. its not alot to ask for, at least i never thought so. but here i am, struggling at that already. struggling to stay happy while breaking by back to stay above bankruptcy, and all i can do is think about wanting someone else to make happy. im better at it than i am at making myself happy i think sometimes. its not true. but i think it.

i guess thats alot going on. i always just tell people that nothings happening with me. its a good lie. its one id like to believe.

gah. so much going on. cant focus. cant type.

short list.

/project mandrake is up. i now have a p2 running mandrake 9.1 and x window environment sitting on my desk. cool stuff. im learning. slowly.

/my new venture is up and running. ill talk more about it once the trademarking is finalized. its cool. alot of you are going to go; oh geez! but i like it; and right now ive got the support [maybe if not in cash but in solidarity] of a small army. youll see. just wait and see.

/jobs suck ass. im done working for the 'Times for now. im still open-ended for employment, the crew down there likes me, as did the front office. so ill keep the trade routes open; but im moving forward with something else in iowa city. something a bit closer to....... [see next]

/the apartment. its up. ive moved some stuff in. cable connection is up and working. so soon enough ill be living in the people's republic once again. only for a year. im pushing myself on this one.

/relationships. so what, im still strung up? well. im also stone cold single. and hating it. im keeping busy not to notice much of it; but once school sets in i know ill be miserable again; for now tho... just trying to keep afloat.

more shiz coming. just watch.. i promise the cool news is coming up. those that know are sworn to secrecy as of yet. but just wait.

xSCOTTx runing kernel 2.4

Current Musical Selection: GnR Use Your Illusion I

lately ive been feeling nostalgic. started off about a week ago, when i had a 4 hour conversation with my old friend Angelo. we were absolute best friends for the longest time; eventually the rigors of high school moved us on different paths. hes doing well and good at the university of nebraska, for those of you that may know him. but we started talking about kids and shit from school; people that are dead now, married, having kids. its all very scary. makes us remember the old days that much more. and they seem so far away at times, but they arent. even though im drawing in on my 5 year class reunion allready, i still dont feel like ive left it by much. but i have. ive traveld a million miles since that time, both physically and emotionally; and thats the difference that it makes. seeing the perspective of change in my own life, but not in the catastrophic variety that my classmates have. but the changes, however less strongly impactive in conversation, are strong and noticeable.

i guess that started off the week. its been rather upside down. ranging from random phone calls with old friends, to seeing my other friends getting married, and two others starting down that path, its hard to say there isnt alot of pressure on what i think about myself. had a long car ride up to iowa city friday to get keys [more later], and i doubt jeff knew nearly as much about me as he now does before we got in that car. good and bad. i didnt tell him what all had happened. just some highlights. but i think from what i expressed he defenitely understands more of my disposition in life. all in all it is pretty difficult to open the paper every week and see classmates and friends engaged, married and having children. alot of times its anything but hard to say i feel like im being left behind. maybe im not. sure, i dont have to be married just because the neighbors are; but theres pressure there. especially after talking to my mom about it today, when i realized she was married at my age; and expecting a child in a years time from mine. that puts the screws to you. again, i guess i dont have to feel like i need to get married or move on; lots of people wait. lots of people also never get married now days; and i dont want to turn out to be one of them. i concede that im lonely, that i waste my time on people when i have them, but what else is there? the pressure comes from inside some days. and i understand how im not an attractive person, but that doesnt somehow disqualify this moving desire to want someone; and especially not when im around everyone who has someone. its not that i hate you all because of it, its because i envy you so much.

durring my weekly slot of zen; [read: mowing the lawn] i found my self questioning what happened in my last relationship. its hard to understand. so i dropped convention and went abstractly, backwards and tried to come up with some utility to as why i was put through it all. i guess i can say that it was what i asked for. reading back through the archives here, youll notice that my one birthday wish was to find a girl that would mean as much to me as i to her. and that did happen. for several months. and then what? thats where the questions started coming into play. i question the motivation for God's granting of my wish to strip it away. its not a question of buyer beware, more of what meaning can someone derive from that? from having the experiences and the close relationship that i do want with someone, and achieving a strong and mutual relationship with them; what do you learn when its gone? and i was focusing on that. its easy to just presume the obvious, that im not meant for a relationship like that. and i suppose thats something thats well supported by my past. i could also conclude that its just a trial run for the future, but thats rather optimistic. and i could say that it never was meant to end, only she or i found a way to end it. its the most difficult to agree with. but from the fantastic perspective its the most desireable because both alternatives leave me with nothing with no reasons, while the last was going to leave me with something. but i still dont know. ive never learned the reasons for our break up, and its difficult for me. its something that nags at me, its something that im reminded of everytime she tries to talk to me as a friend; because i know for some reason, known only to her, she had to stop our relationship. that all comes back to the main idea of getting married...

see the idea of marriage conceptualizes two people melding into one life. taking from both to make one; the blending of them in a relationship thats mutually agreeable, so much so it receives blessings from God's men on earth. so the sanctity of marriage is something quite unlike anything else on earth really; almost all other 'transactions', if you will, fall under one person. this is the only one of the sacraments that requires another person; not only to honor or condone it: but to become part of it. so what? well that ground becomes very unsteady when you place the facts upon it. namely that other person who i trusted with many of those sentiments, doesnt want that from me. at its dark underside, that is the fact of the end of all relationships; they no longer are mutual; they no longer are desireable; they no longer abou the encorporation of 2 people as one, they become the most basic of all: 2 separate entities. infact separate and separation are the words we use to categorize states of marriage adn relationsips. so far be it from me to fuck with the God in the sky and rules on the books when it comes to the natural order of things; but for once; i wish it didnt have to be. this time i lament over the thing that could not be. and the greif is nothing more that personal disatisfaction and anger.

its all very sketchy... but you can see where its heading... i can.

Current Musical Selection: The Cult - Ashes and Ghosts

although i dont care much for the verses; the bridge and the chorus are awesome...

" ashes and ghosts, are all around me... ---and i dont believe in what youre sayin--- no no no no.... ashes and ghosts fill my heart. --cant cast that spell on me --- ashes and ghosts are all around me. you brought the truth and now your fading... youre fake... youre hollow... "

the first time i heard that phrase several years ago, it haunted me. the rest of the music to the song doesnt quite fit that mood; but Dufy and Asterbury were on to it with that riff. its so true. ashes and ghosts are all around me. means alot. i thought about that song line when i was sitting through Holsteins lectures [he tends to repeat himself] on the hebrew word: sheol which is a spirtual state of post-living where people go to die in the hebrew bible. not like heaven as we conceptualize it to be; but more as state of rest and unrest as a lost soul; where the living can still torment you, and your lasting legacy and good intention serve to give you ease. its complicated. but the conception was never really meant to be heaven; more that there was an explanation given for what happens when we die; and it stress that the ashes and ghosts of our elders are all around us; preserving their memory and acts in service prolong their comfort. it makes me think of my sometimes festering paranoia of others may not be completely without base. instead theres another reason for it.

speaking of words to songs... an embarasing one you will all enjoy im sure. i was stumbling around on a two hour tour of Farm and Fleet the other day [i love that store], and as im at the counter they for once have an attractive girl working. this is a first. really. never have i seen a girl under 30 working there that was pretty like her. she was also probably pretty like 15 pretty. but anyhow. as shes running my check through the register, i hear these god damn lyrics on the radio on the store PA:

you are my fire. the one desire, beleive.. when i say, i want it that way. that we are two worlds apart, cant reach to your heart when you say i want it that way.

i start singing along with it. the darkhaired cuties looks up at me and starts laughing. nothing new. beautiful women often laugh at me or give me disgusted faces. i dont realize until i get to the car why she was laughing.

THAT WAS A BACKSTREET BOYS SONG!

ouch. not only is that embarrasing for a 20something male to be singing along to in public... but with my muddclogged workboots and inkstained work pants and Black Sabbath tshirt on... i had more in common with a biker than a Buttside Boy. yeah. you get your laugh for the day, as promised.

i didnt stick around the parking lot long after that. and NO i didnt not finish singing the song.

tonight it happend. one of the days i knew would come, but have dreaded for a while. tonight i had to stand up and face my past. i met it, face to face once again, a thousand miles from where i left it.

i thought pizza would be tame enough at 9pm on a friday night. at a godfathers. in dport. close to my house, with a friend. it would be safer to go there, than down to the Bix fest where everyone would be. i was wrong. as we are standing in line picking out what we want [no two men can ever agree on one kind of pizza] i heard a voice i knew. it was quiet and high, and sounded god damn familiar. i stopped, and didnt think much of it. it couldnt be. i kept looking at the menu. then i heard the laugh. and the sigh afterwards. really, this shit cant be happening. it was her. she was here. i didnt have to turn around, because i knew it was her.... i knew i would be looking straight at the face of the girl, who until recently [and maybe not] had caused me the most pain in my life. i nudged J. i told him; 'should i turn and talk to her'... his face dropped slightly when he looked over his shoulder. "dude, i wouldnt". i dont listen well.

****** wake up********

'hello jennifer.'

a very quick--- "hi"

a pause.

"oh my GOD! HOW ARE YOU?????"

******* grab a brush and put up a little make up*******

Jenn had found her way back to davenport. shed found her way back infront of me. she was supposed to be several thousand miles away; wasting away in georgia... pining for me to call her again... atleast thats how i think of it, and her, and how we ended. instead. shes right here. arms open. i dont think so. i dont hug her.

------- i guess ive got alot to say about her, and i really dont. i dont want to say much about it. but i do. Jdogg [or justin as his fiance likes to call him] knows me and her, and was there for me all along. hes been my best friend for the past 5 or 6 years; and sometimes it feels like hes been my only friend through some things. she was one of those things. and i know now, that the biblical god does infact, show mercy upon those that are in his favor. to moses was aaron, to abraham was sarah, and to i, i have my friend. through the desparate times, many we given aid for their disposal. i needed it, then and now.

im speechless. im not sure where to go. i know not to her arms. which she quickly moved back down, and backed a step away. i know i cant go back to her like that, here, like this. not now. not then. i cant. not after all that was said and done. and i dont care if it was years ago. looking at her again brings those memories back fresh.

****** now i cry... NOW ANGELS DESERVE TO DIIIIIIEEEE ********

------- i could say say that the history between she and i was badblood, and be suffice with that. shes a girl thats always been in my mind, that is still in my prayers at night; and for all the hell she caused me and scarring she marred upon my soul; i still wish no evil to come of her. we started out as friends, progressed, and degressed. i fell in love, adn with it i fell out of her favor. it was the first time id ever felt the feeling of love for another. total infatuation and admiration. and it happened to a girl, who in all interests, didnt want it. didnt want me. no different from any other girl, past or present... maybe future... she was no different than any of them; other than i wanted her. really bad, not to be like them. i dont even know what to put into words here to describe us. we started refering to each other as x's; although i guess we werent together. that would mean shed have wanted to be with me... to be a part of me... and that was clearly not the case. i challenge people to dig down and know that feeling. not emulate, commiserate or empithate. but to feel that. to touch your very soul, and to watch it burn. to know that feeling, means you have to know the pain of holding your heart into the flames. it doesnt burn just your heart; your hands, your fingers; your flesh is blackened adn blistered. it bleeds and is baren. what was strong and firm, is now twisted, ruined and forever scarred. that was how much i wanted her. i damn near destroyed myself for a girl that never showed much favor for me. and when she did. when she was a narrow reflection.. misty and fractured... of what i desired and longed her to be... i plunged my hands in to the flames. when the fire would smolder, i thrust in my body to fan the flames. that much. and she took it. and she left. we tried. we failed. i tried. she didnt. i loved. she wouldnt. i wanted. she wanted someone else. and i brutally treked on after her. feelling the sting as i went, but not braking for the pain.

i was trembling so bad i had to bury my hands in my pockets. im sweating. im nervous. im agitated. and i shouldnt be. this is the girl that walked away from my life as i offered it. the girl that i invested time and effort in; and was rewarded 7 fold with laughter, anger and screams of scorn. and i, i was nervous. and its stupid. ive spoken to crowds of hundreds. ive spoken for money. ive given my frank and swear filled opinion to people who earn more in a year than i may ever hope to gross in a life. and im tumbling over saying hello to an ex girlfriend in public. i cant do it. i feel like im 3. like im a retarded bumbling piece of garbage. that i want to run and hide... that i want to stand and watch the cute girl at play time from behind a table leg. that im juvenile. im that nervous because its her again.

------- so it was back and forth. time on, time off. all the while those feelings built in me. falsely i suppose. because for them to be true; would mean nothing could have separated us...nothing could have been more true than for us to have been and to remain together. and there i stand face to face with her again.

"wow, you look soooo different scott..." she stopps and eyes me over as she says it and trails off.

'yeah. i cut my hair, stopped shaving.' i rub my head. i miss my ponytail now.

------ the truth is ive changed alot since her. the obvious physical differences are easy to spot, but make me harder to spot. i used to shave and keep my hair long. i used to be in slightly better shape. i walked differently then. i was more prone to move quickly; more of a bounce to my step. and now, its slower. more cautious. measured. ive changed alot more besides that. but maybe im the only one to notice. maybe im the only one that cares. i stopped being outwardly angry about everything. now i try not to let things openly sway me in opinion, despite how much it aggrivates me. i probably am the only one to notice that now. some people just say ive calmed down. but i guess thats just how people see it. since her i dont allow myself to want like i did. ive slipped once or twice since then. more noteably of recent memory. but its hard sometimes. its hard to keep yourself so dark and unchanging; to deny yourself the simple pleasure of falling in love with someone again. ive changed that since her. because of her. alot of things about me had to change because of her. i kinda went off the deep end after her. i spent time doing alcohol and other things. smoked for a while because of it. but nothing really let me escape it. not the drugs i medicated my self with; nothing changed the feelings of guilt and wanting for something i couldnt have, that i did no wrong. i just wasnt cute. i just wasnt important. i never would be with her. i tried scrubbing my soul clean, and i picked some of the harshest things in life to clean with. i wonder now, why i thought they would ever work? it just prolonged it all for me. i spent a couple years out of my life doing nothing but numbing and prolonging it. i never really stopped to accept her and the changes i needed to go through until i cleaned house and sat it out on my own for a while. who would want to face the truth about what happend... not like that. so i had to change. its something i had to take seriously because if i offered myself to someone and i wasnt even nearly close to being treated as civil; then i couldnt be that wonderful. i couldnt be that great of a person, i couldnt be desireable in my own right, and i couldnt be everything for anyone when i was nothing to no one. that changes you. more so than scissors and razors will let you do.

J couldnt stand it and turned away.

****why have you forsaken me? ******

"you look good guy"

'yeah.... uh. yeah you look great too kid'

and she did. she was tan. more toned up. J always gave me shit because she wasnt huge boobed; she hated it too. but i liked it. she was small, petite, just adoreable. she looked amazing. but different. she had the accent from georgia. it was different. but it fit her. it was cute. it was appealing. it was driving me insanse hearing it. i like it too much. she'd adjusted her make-up practice too. before it was lots of darks on her eye lashes. not so much now. it looked better. she looked a bit older. but not like me. i felt pitiful standing there. im old. i look it. since my hair has gone, i look old around my eyes... i have gray hair in my sideburns, that i have to cut out in the mornings...places like the forehead and corners of my mouth look old now. things i could hide from myself with a youthful look of brashness and played sense of appearant immaturity. it all was left behind on the cutting room floor. im standing there. ugly. fat. older. but wiser?. defintely still heartbroken. and she looks better than she ever had. shes drop dead beautiful. she smiles. her eyes light up when we are talking. shes still coy, and has that flirt to her speeh and manner with me. then in the silence, she hit me with the eye rolls and sticking her tongue between her lips.

----- there were happy times i guess. there are good times. has to be. i cant let my self go on, and claim there werent. sometimes i feel bad. sometimes i feel drug down when i think about her; and i know it would be easier to just invent some happy times. but its not right. i look in her eyes and know not what i see.

*******in your eyes forsaken me.******

"so whats up?" her arms now cross over, shes picked up on my body language...

'not alot, just getting food with J here, arent you supposed to be in georgia?'

"yeah, im back for the summer but i go back on sunday you know...... "

i stopped listening to her answer. i couldnt. i got lost in her again. she was and still is one of the most beautiful girls ive ever had the privilege of knowing. only one other beats her out in my mind, and because what she thinks she may lack in beauty and features she more than makes up for in person and personality... something that is also altogether beautiful and makes me smitten and squeamish around her still. its something jennifer doesnt have. some times id ask myself why i cared about jenn. she was hot. but what else? she had opposite views from me, opposite ideas. and has moved in an opposite direction. shes gorgeous, but what else? what else was there for me. and i hate that she was one of the worst decisions i never made. that i never gave myself a chance to think about it... that i discounted my possiblilty to say NO to jenn, before i allowed myself to think it.

******in your thoughts forsaken me******

"so what are you up to?"

'not much, hanging in there... you know? finishing school up and stuff---'

"yeah, ive got like a year and a half left.'

'why, did you change majors, still PR?'

"yeah, i took time off to work and build residency, it put me behind not being able to do school"

'yeah, i missed some classes, i was a student government president this year at school... so i took time for that'

she lit up. i watched her eyes first, then her mouth.

"WOW. really? god thats cool for you; i knew youd do something like that" and then she smiled.

'yeah... shit i guess...'

im mumbling and stumbling. she never knew me as someone that held office. when we last spoke, id just been elected to my hall board. i never told her. i never had the chance to. probably because she didnt care. back then it was all about her. no matter how inexplicably that i was still in love with this girl, shed never miss a chance to rub it in. telling me about how she screwed so and so on a washing machine at school; how she woke up naked and in someones bed after a party and didnt remember it. how it was all so fun. how she never had money. how she allways managed to pull through and forget about me or others. there never was time for me. i dropped the dime each time to listen to her life. she never wanted mine. why should she? why listen for someone to PAY to retell their life? that was when things started clearing....

*****in your heart forsaken... ******

'so long time no see, we should....' '...'

and like that she isnt paying attention to me. like that i saw her control me again. she turned me off when she wanted, and shut me out because she wanted to. and i kept her hand on the switch... where it was comfortable i suppose.

j and i take our drinks and move down the counter area. i get to the drink station 'mutherfucker, kill me now. dude. kill me. ill hand you my knife, lie and tell people i fucked sarah [his fiance]' --- 'yeah dude, i cant BELIEVE shes here man, that fuckin cunt bitch'

i stopped to look at her as he went to sit down. she didnt pay attention to me. and i stood there like an idiot, watching the train comming at him on the tracks. i saw the trainwreck. and i walked. i looked at her closely. maybe it was the last time id ever do it. maybe, and i dont know why. i felt good about it... about seeing her. all those days where i cried. all the nights i couldnt sleep. the times wed chat. the stories wed tell. the fondness in my heart for her. all the prayers that have left my lips over the years for her. i know that god does hear me. i know now one of the few things ive asked for, has come true. god has infact come through for me on 2 occasions now, when ive asked with my heart that it mattered. he sent me someone to take my heart away with love this year when i asked for it. and he let me see again the girl ill never have, and know that shes safe without me. and i couldnt say anything more than that. i cant write anything more than that. thats the feeling i had.

***** ohhh me..... *****

i followed over to the table, tripping myself once. lost in thought. i sat down,

'dude, should i go back over there and talk to her?' ---"dont fuckin dare"
'come on, i wanna know whats up with her.... if shes still with Ugly Bob[ codename for what broke us apart... her one time fiance]' ---"i dunno man, i was looking for like 4 years, and i didnt see a ring on her"

------- i remember that ring too well. i remember the phone call i got on new years day years ago; from her. we hadnt spoken in months, and she calls me to talk again. and i knew when i heard her voice there was something behind it. eventually it came out; "scott... k--- proposed to me... and i dont know what i feel... you are the first person other than my family to know" i guess i was mad. i guess i could have been happy for her. but i listened instead. it was cold. but i didnt say much at first. the months of separation didnt mean much when you feel like your flung out on the edge again. and it wasnt that i wanted to break it up; but it was that i was concerned for her. later she told me thats why she called. because she knew id give her the right answer. so we talked some about it. and she wasnt comfortable about it. he had went back to georgia, and left her with the ring in iowa; and she was rethinking the tenative yes she had given him. then we decided we should get together and talk. and we did. that last week and change from when she called until i went back to school; we spent alot of time together again.... in person and on the phone. its hard to forget some of those times. fights dissappeared when you think about walking in the park in the light falling snow at night. or about quiet dinners and coffee from an out of the way booth... laughing for hours about everything. about looking at someones eyes and remembering what it was like to be human and feel. so i remember quite well the ring she showed me from him. i thought it was rather chinsey. something like a cracker-jack ring dropped in real gold. cheap gold. prolly 3.4 karat gold. maybe it had the krylon touch. but i remember looking at it, and looking in her eyes, and thinking she deserved better than that. and i dont remember how it came out. but something did. and she looked repressed over something, looked away, and told me she was going to give it back to him because of me. that started off another couple months that ofcourse, ended quite horribly. ended up being the worst valentines day id ever experienced. but thats all for another day....

******* oh trust, in my self righteous suicide.*******

'man.. its like a car accident... you just gotta look... i just got to talk to her about...'

***** i cry. *****

"about what? how shes a cooze-ass bitch ho? how she dont want to see you no more? no. dont"

i didnt know what to do. my hand was shaking. i felt loose inside. nervous. scared. scarred even. and everything was fresh again. i didnt want to be there. i didnt want to see her. and yet i did. i know that since the last time i laid eyes on her 3 years ago; at the restaraunt and the fight, and how she walked away from the car and never looked at me or said goodbye; i knew i wanted to see her again. and now i had the chance. but that didnt help my head from stopping my feet. i couldnt go like i was. i was starting to panic. i hadnt felt that way in a long time. it was embarrasing. almost as much as what i did. i kept looking around the place, i got up to get a refill, and i lost my hands. i found them on my phone, and i had already dialed someone. erin probably doesnt want to talk to me. that didnt make a difference i suppose, and i hit her voice mail.

***** when angels deserve to die. die in my self-righteous suicide. ********

--------- the last phone calls we have with others, tend to be the ones that hang around the worst in our minds. not because what gets said necessarily; but because you never get a chance to explain anything again... never get a chance to expand on or retract things. and its those last words you have to hear in your mind the rest of eternity. my last words to her were not ones i wish to take back however. we tried to talk and be friendly in those last few days before she was leaving. it wasnt working well. too much had come before us to really try to forget and ease into a friendship. she still had alot of hostility and anger towards me, and i tried the best that i could to abandan my baggage; but it wasnt working. the last phone call lasted 40 minutes. we tried talking about fun times and happy things. stupid stuff like shed only be a phonecall away. how she could just call me and it wouldnt be that far. we talked about how we could be friends; but i dont think she meant it. i know now, she didnt. but i did. sort of. i believed in the possibilty for it to happen. i believed that she had the propensity to change and allow us to be friends for once. im wrong sometimes. so we tried talking about new stuff shed see and experience; everything that wasnt related the guy she was leaving to go live with.... college there was an afterthought... something she made up as a storybook plot; that they could be happily ever after together, live together, go to school together, and be married together. happy for the two principle characters. not for anyone else. so we didnt talk about him. and she didnt talk about me. then came the time we knew was comming. she had to hang up. and she told me... "ok.. well im sooo tired now [yawned] and i need to finish packing tomorrow, my flight is in like 50 hours..." 'yeah.' "hey, but look ill call you tomorrow ok? ill give you my address and numbers and stuff, k?" 'yeah.' .... 'jennifer.' "what?" 'dont bother calling me... i know you wont.' and then i hung up on her. like that i pushed myself off. i rolled over after taking a shot at myself like that, and laid down to die. even if she was going to call me; she wouldnt now. but i was confident after several years of her; i knew her well enough; that i wasnt going to get called anytime soon, regardless of what we said to each other for the last time.

when i looked over my back at where she was, i saw her turn and go out the door. she never waived. never yelled. never looked back at me. and thats the way it has to be i suppose. she never will look back at me. why would she? why do i look for her to do that still? thats something i guess only ill ever figure out about her. i cant rely on friends or on knowledge alone to tell me why i do the things that i do. i just have no choice but to make it up as i go along really. i cant make an answer for the questions i cant understand. i cant ever hope to provide clarity to someone that was as transparent as glass from the begining, but that i alone, made mirky with the thoughts and garbage of my own desires. she wont turn around. and i envy that.

*******why cry, when angels deserve to die?******

======================================================

***** System of a Down. "Chop Suey"
try playing the song on loop as you re read this...

big post coming. typing. god please, ive got alot to say... be paitent.

Just One More Anniversary...

Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole

among other things, today is a day of anniversary of sorts. a year ago, at about this same damn location, i pounded out my very first blog entry. exciting. it was also on this day [almost] that the REAL Guns N Roses played their last live concert, nearly 10 years ago... now do you see why i picked the title that i did? probably not.

so a year ago i decided id let people see what i think. i dunno how wrong i was to do that, but im still doing it now. im not sure whats so wrong about it; but i guess it has something to do with what i think about. maybe how i think. maybe that i think. that offends people so well. lets be honest folks, since ive been doing this ive probably lost about 4 friends along the way, due in part, if not in total to this space. im not sure how to react to that when i think about it. i mean, does it say that much about what i write? or does it say that little about the people that take offense to it. again, its not that id ever stop thinking or feeling the way that i do; just that i have internalized it slightly less. and that turns people off. why? see, it doesnt bother people when others come screaming and yelling at them; or when others come blubbering away at their doorstep about something; no, not nearly to the degree that little old me, miles away, in pixels, can seem to offend you. you, who come to my place, uncolicited, and of your own desire to read this space on a continuous nature, are the ones thats are offended. so im most surprised about why the hell some of you come here then? especially if all you do is read it to get mad at me, or use it as ammunition against me. or how about the people that cower in the corners and still read this? perfect strangers dont bother me, its the people that i DO KNOW that sit and read this meticulously as entertainment, that i worry about. ive never been interesting; but over the last year, ive become interesting to some of you. so its alot of mixed emotion involved with observing a date like this.

to take a moment to those that have decided to stop associating yourself wtih me because of this space:

fuck off. really. you arent missed.



to take a moment to those that have decided to continue reading or have started reading this space:

congrads. dunno what else to say, other than i hope you enjoy the ride.


so in the past year, alot of other things have also happened to me. alot. and most of it has appeared in this space. so, for me, there is a definite interest in keeping this space going; if for nothing else, that for my ability to recollect what happened to me in the past. especially as a way for me to remember how i felt in certain situations and at certain times. so ive chosen to continue on with this space. so well see what happens in the year to come... L O T S is going to happen soon. i know it will. keep watching, keep reading, and go down fighting.

xXx