nothing is worse then when youre tired, but cant fall asleep. i was stupid.. i should have held it... i was almost asleep, then i had to make that last pitstop for the night. now here i am, an hour later; tired, weary, and talking to sean, because i cant sleep. sleep isnt necessary i guess. im sick again, by the way. should have figured, i was thirsty the other day, and stopped to drink at a public water fountain. shouldnt do that. EVERYTIME i do that, i get about 5 days [at most] and ive got a sore throat and a cough. sometimes a head ache. but generally sick feeling. the body is tired and sick. but the mind is active. ive also found thats the reason i can generally never fall asleep. its that my mind is moving too fast, or is too active to let me. tonight too.
i wanted to go to bed early, but spent too long doing homework thats appearantly not even due tomorrow.... instead of doing homework that IS due tomorrow. so im fretting about that. i tried going back to it, but i just cant do latin when my eyes hurt. it makes my brain hurt. so then i tried to lay there and do nothing. that dont work. my mind drifts from thing to thing, but eventually keeps landing back on one thing in particular. its only been a couple days, but i miss her. its terrible to admit that out loud. that you miss someone after a couple days. besides, how can i miss anyone that lives 200 yards from me? yeah, then i found myself thinking about that. thinking about what distance is; and how we preceive it to be. i can sit next to someone and feel miles apart from them; and i can be miles apart from someone and feel inches away. its about where you get put in their life i guess. distance makes that little of a difference; its the emotional odometer that accounts for the real mileage. its about knowing where you rank, and why you do it all, that ends up mattering the most in where you stand in relation to someone. again, physical distance isnt a good indicator. emotional distance, like an odometer, can be fixed. you can set it and fuck with it-- you can lie about the actual miles; you can delude yourself about how far you really have come with someone. then you run into problems about comming back in. cant ever tell how far off the map youve run, when you have no idea how long youve traveld. but thats where They have to come in. thats where you need that other person... to judge the distance for you, to reassure you where your at; to check the map, so to speak, for you occasionally. its difficult when youre on that ride by yourself. its hard feeling like your doing the driving, and no ones watching out for you. i dunno. but i do, i guess.. people always assume its different than it is. most of the time i do too. but i rarely see her. go and make the argument that she stays over, but that doesnt count. we sleep. its not really spending time together. i then leave early, or sleep in; and she does the opposite. so there goes that. its hard sometimes, watching everyone else work so well, then feeling like its not working for you. but it is. isnt it? maybe. you always want things to be different. you always want to wake her up in the morning to spend 5 more minutes with her. but she likes to sleep. she doesnt want you to interrupt. so you just end up standing there, watching her. knowing how ungodly creepy it would be if shed wake up, or if someone would walk in... but its hard not to. its as close as you can get sometimes, while letting her do her thing. anway she wants to sleep. she practices alot. and here i am, after 3 am, supposed to be getting up in less than 3 hours; angry at someone whom i never see, because she gets to sleep, and is good at falling asleep when she wants to. yeah, even sean stopped talking to me now. ugh. i must be insane. i must be terrible at conversation when im like this.
so i continue to ramble on. i could write pages really. about life, about me, about her. probably about anything. but its all rambling. none of it matters. thats what ive surmounted. ive placed my flag atop the tallest peak of self resiliance, that nothing matters anymore. grades? they dont matter. no one cares what your gpa is after you get that 40 thousand dollar piece of paper [thats likely to earn you less than 40k per year]; friends? nah. they dont matter much at all. friends come, friends go. friends do, and friends do without you. cant waste time on that shit. Others? maybe they matter. but they only matter to you, if you let them. no one else cares. no one else gives a god damn if youre single or not. unless youre pretty. then everyone wants you to be available. so like i said, its if it matters to you.. it don' matter much to anyone else or anything else. it dont matter at all what you say. people always hate you for what you say. they hate you for being better than them, they hate you for being right. they blame you for what they do, especially if you say it. so you cant say anything. why bother, its not worth anything if you do. its just more fodder for people to chew you up with later on. cant really care either. if you start to care, you want to keep on doing it. you want to care about more than just one person. but ya cant. they dont. why should you? so you go on caring anyway. spend your time thinking and hoping, and hanging on words like prayers. thats all you do. just hang on. you get bucked around that way. so you better hang on. or let go. its your choice. but it dont matter much at 3 am.... nothing does.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Current Musical Selection: GnR - November Rain [demo version]
a funny, spookily- incomplete version of the song that was taken from an old bootlegged DAT tape from long, long ago. axl has been publicly stated as laughing at the song in its prior forms, but i kinda like it. its different from the album take.... but good music should evolve. good anything should show maturity with age. its not a filler song, or an off the cuff type of thing. people dont usually realize it, but this song was the true opus of axl rose... the man litterally carried around this song in his soul for years before he ever committed to doing much with it. it was just a simple piano melody that he would fiddle with, whenever he could find a piano... back in those days, of living on the streets and constant cocaine/heroin parties, pianos werent as common as other things. so he brought it with him. he worked it out as the time appeared, and watched the song grow. it was some time later that the band actually started throwing some of the backing music into it. sometime after They were a band [not counting Hollywod Rose], but with the Them that was GnR; axl sat down and worked on it. from the time they started out playing things like Brownstone and Jungle; he carried this piece of himself around, in song format. supposedly it was to this point [the mp3 im speaking of] by the time Appetite was ready for release... but axl didnt feel right about it. it needed more work i assume. it needed something. it wasnt comfortable yet. and thats hard to believe really; that to have a gift to compose, and to carry around a beautiful piece of melody for how many years... and to still not feel comfortable with it. to still not feel ready to let it go out into the world. so he sat on it. and by 90/91 durring ithe illusions recordings time, he came back with it. 7 years later, he came back with it. and its turned into the staple of every show he plays, its the song of a generation of mtv watchers, its one of the more highly requested wedding songs of the younger generation, and he still tinkers with it. he still advances that part of himself, that wants more, that desires more from the work he puts into it. no new verses or anything. but new interludes, different harmonizing chords, different resonating features of a melody that still echo's deep within him.
play it.... reward yourself. -right click, save target as- {{ November Rain - Demo Tape }} ps its zipped
a funny, spookily- incomplete version of the song that was taken from an old bootlegged DAT tape from long, long ago. axl has been publicly stated as laughing at the song in its prior forms, but i kinda like it. its different from the album take.... but good music should evolve. good anything should show maturity with age. its not a filler song, or an off the cuff type of thing. people dont usually realize it, but this song was the true opus of axl rose... the man litterally carried around this song in his soul for years before he ever committed to doing much with it. it was just a simple piano melody that he would fiddle with, whenever he could find a piano... back in those days, of living on the streets and constant cocaine/heroin parties, pianos werent as common as other things. so he brought it with him. he worked it out as the time appeared, and watched the song grow. it was some time later that the band actually started throwing some of the backing music into it. sometime after They were a band [not counting Hollywod Rose], but with the Them that was GnR; axl sat down and worked on it. from the time they started out playing things like Brownstone and Jungle; he carried this piece of himself around, in song format. supposedly it was to this point [the mp3 im speaking of] by the time Appetite was ready for release... but axl didnt feel right about it. it needed more work i assume. it needed something. it wasnt comfortable yet. and thats hard to believe really; that to have a gift to compose, and to carry around a beautiful piece of melody for how many years... and to still not feel comfortable with it. to still not feel ready to let it go out into the world. so he sat on it. and by 90/91 durring ithe illusions recordings time, he came back with it. 7 years later, he came back with it. and its turned into the staple of every show he plays, its the song of a generation of mtv watchers, its one of the more highly requested wedding songs of the younger generation, and he still tinkers with it. he still advances that part of himself, that wants more, that desires more from the work he puts into it. no new verses or anything. but new interludes, different harmonizing chords, different resonating features of a melody that still echo's deep within him.
play it.... reward yourself. -right click, save target as- {{ November Rain - Demo Tape }} ps its zipped
Friday, April 04, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way
Standing in line To see the show tonight And there's a light on || Heavy glow || By the way I tried to say I'd be there... Waiting for || Dani the girl Is singing songs to me Beneath the marquee; oversold || By the way I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for... || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya
why am i so damn tired. i slept again this afternoon... straight through my night class. i hate it.. im missing classes, not because i dont want to go; but because im just too tired. its not a conscious decision not to go; or to sleep instead... im just constantly tired. usually with a fucking headache packaged with it. dad laughed and thought it was mono. id be pissed. only one way id have gotten it; and only one place shed have gotten it. embarrasing as it might be to have it, i really dont think i do... not just saving face, but i really dont think i do. im just burnt out. tired of people and their attitudes, nothings really moving in the directions i thought it would this year; classes are garbage.. more bs attendance point classes; still not taking a class on anything id ever use in my life after my 4 year degree in time [mis]management... only one class is even entertaining to me; and thats the one i look forward to. i used to think latin was fun. i used to like it; never was good at it; but i liked it. i thought it was fun to be able to translate out of it... the language just really appealed to me in spoken form.. it really does flow, and has this sense of oration, even when you read a kids poem about flowers, it sounds like it could command the attention of a legion of troops. but its loosing its luster. too much bullshit busy work. too many attendance points. TA bitches too much because im tired of it. because im only doing what i need to get by. scrapping it out with 60s on my quizes, because i refuse to study any more than that. its tough to do that to myself, and i dont get it.
partly im tired. physically im tired alot, but mentally im out of it. especially of late. everything takes alot out of me. things i never expected to have to deal with take hours of my time. one headache will be done in about 4 weeks. ARH will be out of my responsible hands and right back where it used to be. cant say im sorry to see it go [but only of late would i say that]. i liked alot of the time i spent with it; believed in alot of what i did. but now its a struggle too. too much disrespect from the people that i have to deal with. it shows. administrators are constantly chatting to me about after they see them in action. all of the things i did not want my organization to become, theyve done anyway. so its time to go. alot of the people i work with are sad to see me go. ive had to start in with my rounds of goodbyes to the people i only see occasionally; telling them i dont have anything to do with the org anymore. lot of dejected looks, questions about me reconsidering, but i just have to tell them that its better for me this way. why raise the child, be proud in what it accomplishes, but keep a front row seat to watch it wither and die. no, its much better for me to leave now while i can still afford myself some memories that are pleasant. that wears me down.
fighting wears me down. i realized alot of things in the last week... that was one of them. fighting with the ones you really love takes its toll. i was physically exhausted after one day of back and forth arguing. its hard. to me, its my nature to be argumentative; to me its simple to pick over points in conversation and to evaluate it one step. relationships are a different story. i cant do that. i shoulda learned that lesson long ago. i cant sit and make my determinations then apply them in one step. i really ought to keep my mouth shut. although thats not me either. alot of times its a struggle for me not to say anything, i have learned that; but i guess i havent learned what to say when i do talk. its difficult, i think, to get a point across; being me, and not comming across as thuggish or as brutal about it. i speak with a heavy inflection on my intentions and sentiment; thats whats so hard about being delicate in relationships for me. im not a delicate person. i damn near ripped out a belly button ring last night, and i guess i didnt know it. i feel horrible about it. the thought of ripping it out kind of make my skin crawl. but i wasnt trying to; and she knows that. its not like it caught on clothes or something, i just hit it with my hand and did it. i just dont have that kind of touch i guess, physically or verbally. its tough to deal with people then, that are very receptive to things like that, and frustrating to be the kind of person that doesnt feed things out that same way. its frustrating to me to be doing everything i normally do; or even a conceited effort to be easier and more understanding with what i do and say, and get the kinds of results that bring fights, shutting me out, and just no contact for days. like id be better off if i said nothing, and was just complacent with whatever happened; than if i spoke my mind about it. that erodes alot of confidence in things, and wears you down.
it makes your mind tired when you have to think alot. it makes your body tired when you punish it alot. it makes your soul tired when you punish your body by thinking alot. ive been trying to think of the best way to address a couple things, that do infact scare me. scare is a bad word. make me worry or make me anxious to asess the situation. i havent told her, but im trying to figure out how to introduce her to my parents. my parents are the few people i most worry about with something serious; like her; because i trust their judgement, and because i know if it doesnt go right, its going to be tough in the future. but thats only half the battle. selling the product isnt tough when youve got a good product. its being confident enough to sell it to those people that are iffy about it. thats when you got to have that faith in what your doing. the last week was hard. dont get me wrong; its not like i dont have faith in it anymore or in her... i really do want to be with her and i really do want to introduce her to my parents. but im kind of cringing at what they might say and how they might react. my parents know i wouldnt do it if i werent serious, they will evaluate it as serious people; but right now its hard for me to gauge how shed want to go about it. theres a lot of times where it feels like with her, it might be day to day about what shes thinking or feeling; even though i know what she tells me; and i really want to believe what shes saying... just sometimes its so different from what i hear; its hard. im worried; because if and when it does go down [meeting my parents] i really dont want that to be a worry in my mind. i dont want to have to sell them on her; i want them to see im allready sold. but its difficult sometimes. i guess it involves alot of letting go; and lett {{{{ ing her do the things i guess she needs to do; and thats hard for me. but all that is weighing on my mind; and it makes one very, very tired. id like to be alive and well and energetic, but it takes alot out of me to worry about things i shouldnt be worrying about. its all very uncommon for me tho. never had a girl like her, that approaches things quite like she does.. no one is the same i suppose; and god knows i wouldnt want to relive any of the past experiments if i didnt have to; but its hard. it goes against alot of what ive learned in other relationships; and more importantly, it goes against how i would do things. but im hoping it works out. because when its on, were really on. its just its that downtime between being on that scares me some times. i dunno. as Jay Holstein would say--- " it dont matter. it dont matter at all. i dont know anything, i dont know any of this kinda shit. uh.. ugh.. hey uhh.. its just about begining to begin to start to understand what it is that makes this possible " yeah.. }}}}
[nothing quite like a 20 minute break to stop and clean a keyboard to break your train of thought... maybe im cheap.. but id rather take 20 minutes away from my life to remove each key, and clean them, rather than let a can of pop short out a 20 dollar keyboard, thats 5 years old...]
yeah i cant remember where i was going with it... but i think it was pretty close to a complete thought. the stuff in the french braces is what i had to supplant to finish the thought. but fuck you Code Red! your so delicious.. yet so damaging to my crap. why must you torture me so? i thought the board shorted out.. i heard a poping sizzling... turns out it was the soda bubbling and fizzing under the keys.. im glad i didnt dump the board upside down.. it would have run into it and shorted instead of staying in the bottom part of the tray. damn you Code Red~
ain't it fun~
s.
[ps. 3 emails answered from last time. keep sending them, ill keep answering them]
Standing in line To see the show tonight And there's a light on || Heavy glow || By the way I tried to say I'd be there... Waiting for || Dani the girl Is singing songs to me Beneath the marquee; oversold || By the way I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for... || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya
why am i so damn tired. i slept again this afternoon... straight through my night class. i hate it.. im missing classes, not because i dont want to go; but because im just too tired. its not a conscious decision not to go; or to sleep instead... im just constantly tired. usually with a fucking headache packaged with it. dad laughed and thought it was mono. id be pissed. only one way id have gotten it; and only one place shed have gotten it. embarrasing as it might be to have it, i really dont think i do... not just saving face, but i really dont think i do. im just burnt out. tired of people and their attitudes, nothings really moving in the directions i thought it would this year; classes are garbage.. more bs attendance point classes; still not taking a class on anything id ever use in my life after my 4 year degree in time [mis]management... only one class is even entertaining to me; and thats the one i look forward to. i used to think latin was fun. i used to like it; never was good at it; but i liked it. i thought it was fun to be able to translate out of it... the language just really appealed to me in spoken form.. it really does flow, and has this sense of oration, even when you read a kids poem about flowers, it sounds like it could command the attention of a legion of troops. but its loosing its luster. too much bullshit busy work. too many attendance points. TA bitches too much because im tired of it. because im only doing what i need to get by. scrapping it out with 60s on my quizes, because i refuse to study any more than that. its tough to do that to myself, and i dont get it.
partly im tired. physically im tired alot, but mentally im out of it. especially of late. everything takes alot out of me. things i never expected to have to deal with take hours of my time. one headache will be done in about 4 weeks. ARH will be out of my responsible hands and right back where it used to be. cant say im sorry to see it go [but only of late would i say that]. i liked alot of the time i spent with it; believed in alot of what i did. but now its a struggle too. too much disrespect from the people that i have to deal with. it shows. administrators are constantly chatting to me about after they see them in action. all of the things i did not want my organization to become, theyve done anyway. so its time to go. alot of the people i work with are sad to see me go. ive had to start in with my rounds of goodbyes to the people i only see occasionally; telling them i dont have anything to do with the org anymore. lot of dejected looks, questions about me reconsidering, but i just have to tell them that its better for me this way. why raise the child, be proud in what it accomplishes, but keep a front row seat to watch it wither and die. no, its much better for me to leave now while i can still afford myself some memories that are pleasant. that wears me down.
fighting wears me down. i realized alot of things in the last week... that was one of them. fighting with the ones you really love takes its toll. i was physically exhausted after one day of back and forth arguing. its hard. to me, its my nature to be argumentative; to me its simple to pick over points in conversation and to evaluate it one step. relationships are a different story. i cant do that. i shoulda learned that lesson long ago. i cant sit and make my determinations then apply them in one step. i really ought to keep my mouth shut. although thats not me either. alot of times its a struggle for me not to say anything, i have learned that; but i guess i havent learned what to say when i do talk. its difficult, i think, to get a point across; being me, and not comming across as thuggish or as brutal about it. i speak with a heavy inflection on my intentions and sentiment; thats whats so hard about being delicate in relationships for me. im not a delicate person. i damn near ripped out a belly button ring last night, and i guess i didnt know it. i feel horrible about it. the thought of ripping it out kind of make my skin crawl. but i wasnt trying to; and she knows that. its not like it caught on clothes or something, i just hit it with my hand and did it. i just dont have that kind of touch i guess, physically or verbally. its tough to deal with people then, that are very receptive to things like that, and frustrating to be the kind of person that doesnt feed things out that same way. its frustrating to me to be doing everything i normally do; or even a conceited effort to be easier and more understanding with what i do and say, and get the kinds of results that bring fights, shutting me out, and just no contact for days. like id be better off if i said nothing, and was just complacent with whatever happened; than if i spoke my mind about it. that erodes alot of confidence in things, and wears you down.
it makes your mind tired when you have to think alot. it makes your body tired when you punish it alot. it makes your soul tired when you punish your body by thinking alot. ive been trying to think of the best way to address a couple things, that do infact scare me. scare is a bad word. make me worry or make me anxious to asess the situation. i havent told her, but im trying to figure out how to introduce her to my parents. my parents are the few people i most worry about with something serious; like her; because i trust their judgement, and because i know if it doesnt go right, its going to be tough in the future. but thats only half the battle. selling the product isnt tough when youve got a good product. its being confident enough to sell it to those people that are iffy about it. thats when you got to have that faith in what your doing. the last week was hard. dont get me wrong; its not like i dont have faith in it anymore or in her... i really do want to be with her and i really do want to introduce her to my parents. but im kind of cringing at what they might say and how they might react. my parents know i wouldnt do it if i werent serious, they will evaluate it as serious people; but right now its hard for me to gauge how shed want to go about it. theres a lot of times where it feels like with her, it might be day to day about what shes thinking or feeling; even though i know what she tells me; and i really want to believe what shes saying... just sometimes its so different from what i hear; its hard. im worried; because if and when it does go down [meeting my parents] i really dont want that to be a worry in my mind. i dont want to have to sell them on her; i want them to see im allready sold. but its difficult sometimes. i guess it involves alot of letting go; and lett {{{{ ing her do the things i guess she needs to do; and thats hard for me. but all that is weighing on my mind; and it makes one very, very tired. id like to be alive and well and energetic, but it takes alot out of me to worry about things i shouldnt be worrying about. its all very uncommon for me tho. never had a girl like her, that approaches things quite like she does.. no one is the same i suppose; and god knows i wouldnt want to relive any of the past experiments if i didnt have to; but its hard. it goes against alot of what ive learned in other relationships; and more importantly, it goes against how i would do things. but im hoping it works out. because when its on, were really on. its just its that downtime between being on that scares me some times. i dunno. as Jay Holstein would say--- " it dont matter. it dont matter at all. i dont know anything, i dont know any of this kinda shit. uh.. ugh.. hey uhh.. its just about begining to begin to start to understand what it is that makes this possible " yeah.. }}}}
[nothing quite like a 20 minute break to stop and clean a keyboard to break your train of thought... maybe im cheap.. but id rather take 20 minutes away from my life to remove each key, and clean them, rather than let a can of pop short out a 20 dollar keyboard, thats 5 years old...]
yeah i cant remember where i was going with it... but i think it was pretty close to a complete thought. the stuff in the french braces is what i had to supplant to finish the thought. but fuck you Code Red! your so delicious.. yet so damaging to my crap. why must you torture me so? i thought the board shorted out.. i heard a poping sizzling... turns out it was the soda bubbling and fizzing under the keys.. im glad i didnt dump the board upside down.. it would have run into it and shorted instead of staying in the bottom part of the tray. damn you Code Red~
ain't it fun~
s.
[ps. 3 emails answered from last time. keep sending them, ill keep answering them]
Monday, March 31, 2003
i have never beleived in editing my remarks. i never, ever, felt persuaded to censor myself or what i think. even in the past why my words had been used in anger against someone, purposely, i refused to pull them back. today i guess i learned that Someone means enough to me, that i will. the post formerly cited as March 31, 2003; has been removed.
i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.
many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.
but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.
--------------------------------
Scott Alvarado
i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.
many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.
but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.
--------------------------------
Scott Alvarado
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Foreigner - Blue Morning, Blue Day
SMARMY
tonight was interesting... not often can you say you were in attendance to a speech by a former President of the United States... even if it was Bill Clinton. citizen bill was interesting to hear tonight... without getting into it, i heard mostly 'when i was president' and 'what we should do now, based on what i think as a former president,' not so much the speech on "Global Security in the 21st Century" as it was billed to be. but it was BILLed. even a couple hecklers managed to show up. entertaining. too bad i couldnt hear one very well. the comments by another about rawanda were funny. clinton took them all instride. im sure after speaking to millions of people, in thousands of places, and being bill clinton, you learn how to handle disgruntled members of the crowd. hell even the secret service detail didnt budge much when they saw them yelling. a rather ho-hum speech in my opinion. at times i couldnt quite tell how much of it was off the cuff, and how much was scripted. that must be the biggest departure for the man. comming from 8 years of federally [and about 20 more of state] funded speech writers and campaign organizers, he, at times, seemed almost ill-prepared. like the information was comming to him as he talked, but clearly not in the polished and prepared manner that a citizen of his presidency was accustomed to hearing. all in all, the speech was summed up with; love thy neighbor, give them more money, never cut taxes, destroy guns/bombs/nukes, praise the 'merits' of social and educational 'advances' upon society. again, it was bill clinton. as he put it... "even it's not rocket science" but he did use the 'smarmy' that was unnerving. a fullbright scholar; distinguished and affluent [yes he made several comments about his personal wealth] private citizen, and former President for shit's sake, uses "smarmy" smarmy indeed.
even without clinton, life proceeds. for once i experienced a semi-comical moment at a meeting... something truly unique of student leaders on the lame duck seat... counting down the days left. several grins and comments were made. President Boyd had his chance to make them at the last meeting, now we impressed President Skorton with our own. cant say it feels good to want to leave... but its getting there. only a few weeks left on the job really, and im anticipating life afterwards. people are sadly delluded if they think this position is something that is lofty, or brings them above normal students. infact, ive tried with my entire presidency to bring it back down to a useable and workable position. some people differ with me on that. but then again, i was the reluctant man in the post. by others admissions ill be impossible to replace, but i can always have the piece of mind that i never had to run for the position. i never aspired to take on a role like this, and i out and out have little respect for those that do. its demeaning to the office and to the students around them; something i hoped i never did with my term. but, as it stands i have little under 4 weeks left until i can completely cash in my chips, and i am looking forward to it. i cant deny that the position made my name a topic at many dinner tables around the university community in my reign of terror, but it also gained me quite a bit of credability in those i dealt with; more so for the organization which i get to leave behind in uncertain hands. its difficult like that. to walk around with an idea in your head... just a thought that matures and grows with time, never sharing it with anyone. then being selected out to run with your idea.. to be called upon by those around you to make it happen.. then once your on that path to completion, to be pulled aside and forced to give it all away. to watch the sandcastle that took many days and nights, to be swept slowly into the ocean that brough you those very grains of sand with run through your fingers. its about loosing a piece of yourself in the work. permanently sacrificing bits of yourself, that go unnoticed and unthanked, and to watch them reduce down to mere drops in the ocean that is its begining and end. clinton obviously has a hard time with it too. so many comments about being president and how he would handle things; that it was obvious to tell hes slowly growing accustomed to life after it all. to life away from the control.
i guess its not that my life wont have control, or direction in 4 weeks. just that it has uncharted and hopefully new and relaxing, but beneficial direction. maybe ill actually have the time to read those books ive allways wanted to... or just get homework done on time for class, not racing through it at 4 in the morning. no more meetings, really. no more tending to other people and their concerns. maybe, just for once, i can have some time to be somewhat selfish. to keep some time for myself. maybe some time to do what i want. to see what id like to see and be with who i want to be with. ill definitely miss some aspects of it all; but im sure my girlfriend wont. i may actually have time to spend with her, that isnt a cool down from meetings, with headaches and reminants of attitudes of coworkers. maybe i could be that lazy college student ive practed so long to be. maybe i could just end up normal. thats all i really ever wanted for myself. a normal existence. nothing extraordinary. no complications, atleast none more than necessary. not much excitement. just an existence. not jaded, not too opulent or even optimistic. to have what i need and live with that. so in 4 weeks ill see more of where that leads me to. who knows, the public has a habbit of calling upon its servants time and time again.
until that time, i spend my hours cranking away; fearing the end, but shying away from the future even more.
SMARMY
tonight was interesting... not often can you say you were in attendance to a speech by a former President of the United States... even if it was Bill Clinton. citizen bill was interesting to hear tonight... without getting into it, i heard mostly 'when i was president' and 'what we should do now, based on what i think as a former president,' not so much the speech on "Global Security in the 21st Century" as it was billed to be. but it was BILLed. even a couple hecklers managed to show up. entertaining. too bad i couldnt hear one very well. the comments by another about rawanda were funny. clinton took them all instride. im sure after speaking to millions of people, in thousands of places, and being bill clinton, you learn how to handle disgruntled members of the crowd. hell even the secret service detail didnt budge much when they saw them yelling. a rather ho-hum speech in my opinion. at times i couldnt quite tell how much of it was off the cuff, and how much was scripted. that must be the biggest departure for the man. comming from 8 years of federally [and about 20 more of state] funded speech writers and campaign organizers, he, at times, seemed almost ill-prepared. like the information was comming to him as he talked, but clearly not in the polished and prepared manner that a citizen of his presidency was accustomed to hearing. all in all, the speech was summed up with; love thy neighbor, give them more money, never cut taxes, destroy guns/bombs/nukes, praise the 'merits' of social and educational 'advances' upon society. again, it was bill clinton. as he put it... "even it's not rocket science" but he did use the 'smarmy' that was unnerving. a fullbright scholar; distinguished and affluent [yes he made several comments about his personal wealth] private citizen, and former President for shit's sake, uses "smarmy" smarmy indeed.
even without clinton, life proceeds. for once i experienced a semi-comical moment at a meeting... something truly unique of student leaders on the lame duck seat... counting down the days left. several grins and comments were made. President Boyd had his chance to make them at the last meeting, now we impressed President Skorton with our own. cant say it feels good to want to leave... but its getting there. only a few weeks left on the job really, and im anticipating life afterwards. people are sadly delluded if they think this position is something that is lofty, or brings them above normal students. infact, ive tried with my entire presidency to bring it back down to a useable and workable position. some people differ with me on that. but then again, i was the reluctant man in the post. by others admissions ill be impossible to replace, but i can always have the piece of mind that i never had to run for the position. i never aspired to take on a role like this, and i out and out have little respect for those that do. its demeaning to the office and to the students around them; something i hoped i never did with my term. but, as it stands i have little under 4 weeks left until i can completely cash in my chips, and i am looking forward to it. i cant deny that the position made my name a topic at many dinner tables around the university community in my reign of terror, but it also gained me quite a bit of credability in those i dealt with; more so for the organization which i get to leave behind in uncertain hands. its difficult like that. to walk around with an idea in your head... just a thought that matures and grows with time, never sharing it with anyone. then being selected out to run with your idea.. to be called upon by those around you to make it happen.. then once your on that path to completion, to be pulled aside and forced to give it all away. to watch the sandcastle that took many days and nights, to be swept slowly into the ocean that brough you those very grains of sand with run through your fingers. its about loosing a piece of yourself in the work. permanently sacrificing bits of yourself, that go unnoticed and unthanked, and to watch them reduce down to mere drops in the ocean that is its begining and end. clinton obviously has a hard time with it too. so many comments about being president and how he would handle things; that it was obvious to tell hes slowly growing accustomed to life after it all. to life away from the control.
i guess its not that my life wont have control, or direction in 4 weeks. just that it has uncharted and hopefully new and relaxing, but beneficial direction. maybe ill actually have the time to read those books ive allways wanted to... or just get homework done on time for class, not racing through it at 4 in the morning. no more meetings, really. no more tending to other people and their concerns. maybe, just for once, i can have some time to be somewhat selfish. to keep some time for myself. maybe some time to do what i want. to see what id like to see and be with who i want to be with. ill definitely miss some aspects of it all; but im sure my girlfriend wont. i may actually have time to spend with her, that isnt a cool down from meetings, with headaches and reminants of attitudes of coworkers. maybe i could be that lazy college student ive practed so long to be. maybe i could just end up normal. thats all i really ever wanted for myself. a normal existence. nothing extraordinary. no complications, atleast none more than necessary. not much excitement. just an existence. not jaded, not too opulent or even optimistic. to have what i need and live with that. so in 4 weeks ill see more of where that leads me to. who knows, the public has a habbit of calling upon its servants time and time again.
until that time, i spend my hours cranking away; fearing the end, but shying away from the future even more.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Current Musical Selection: -Absolute Silence-
A Simple Dedication
as I’m writing this I know that I’m at least 3 days behind where I should be... its not that my thoughts aren’t lingering back to that day... its just that the days keep moving on and I’m left with little time to sit and recall what I would have liked to have said then. I’m talking about a one month anniversary... sure, in the grand scheme of things a month really doesn’t account for very much... but this month has shown me quite a few things that I haven’t learned in any other ordinary period of 30 days.
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
so now I’m sitting around waiting for these calls; yes waiting; and I’m trying to find out why. why do I now, of all times in my life, want to be ratcheted down to a relationship. of all the things that I could be doing, this is quite possibly one of the most unproductive expenditures of time that I could be involved in. they always lead me to heartache and denial; let alone wasted time and money. and here I sit. not only awaiting it, but eagerly awaiting it... and in my own mind that makes all the difference. but it’s also THE difference. as much as I might like to think the things everyone tells me to; I still cant. I still can’t see this time as being a waste of time. although to my credit, I've have more than my share of mishaps, and many of them, I thought, started out as good intended efforts, that at the time seemed right. but not really like this. this time it’s all different. and I suppose the purist in me would argue that every time is indeed different... but this one more so... this one is uniquely different. for once, I think, there is actually another human being on the end of all these feelings... not a monstrosity that’s looking for self fulfilling satisfaction; not an attention whore, looking to hook the newest John on the street, and not even the lackluster face from the crowd that’s not even concerned about the outcome... instead she’s none of the above, yet she’s all of them at the same time. that’s why it’s all so very different and unique this time.
originally my intention was to sit and place out my thoughts about this person. its difficult, I must admit, to sit and focus in an area entirely devoted to my thoughts and my feelings, to sit and write exclusively about someone else. I’ve done it before I suppose; in many of my veiled ways; and some not so... but always for the pressing reasons of anger, spite and deliverance that I’ve grown accustomed to; when expressing some desire to vocalize about another human being. but right now that’s not that case.. its not a question of it being a coping strategy, or attention getter... its more of a question of debt. I need to. I think I owe her this one. because all the time I constantly hear from her how she loves me more than I could ever know, or how she misses me more. It’s not a question of simply stating it, or of creating the emotion.. she genuinely feels that way.. and I believe her. the problem is, how can I get her to believe me, when I say that’s not necessarily the case..... how is it your are supposed to be able to convince, thoroughly, another human being of like mind and rationality, that you too desire to be near them and a part of their life.. and being a part of that life is important to your own. its not something Hallmark talks much about... even Dillbert hasn’t ventured into this realm... so I’m stuck without man's two handiest weapons to address the situation with: preconceived and packaged thought [courtesy of someone else smarter than me who was able to make sense of this or a similar situation] or humor... mans ultimate standby. no matter how horrible something might be; man finds a way to laugh his way through it and carry on... but I cant do that. I can’t sit and laugh at her... nor would I want to.. and really nothing would quite express what I should and want to say. so now you see the dilemma.
the best place to start with all of this is probably back at the beginning of it all... and really id rather not discuss it all... I haven’t even taken the time to discuss everything like this with her yet... let alone make it clear in my head. but I probably ought to come clean about some aspects of my past... namely the horrible past I’ve had with relationships. never once have I been in the position that I’m in; one that says I’m happy and enjoy where I’m at. never have I felt completely at ease in a relationship. I suppose that’s not truly accurate here=== there are definitely times when I’m on edge, there still times when even I refuse to let my guard down. but on the whole; I can. and I do. that’s never been something I could say that I’ve been able to do before.
well I’ve now spent a great deal of pixels chattering on about nothing... see how I circle around the topic? I’m nervous about saying anything, because I know that what ever I want to say isn’t going to come out right; and nor will it do it justice to what I want said. not to mention that maybe I’m not supposed to be thinking what I am, or feeling as I should. content doesn’t cover it. I am happy. but I know it can’t last. in true fashion, more and more things keep coming up in conversation that leads me to say that its going to be very difficult to maintain all of this. I should have figured long ago; that even if I were to somehow gain something truly good for myself [and truly good for someone else], that it too would be whisked away at the worst possible moment- that time when I’ve begun to latch on to it. maybe it will; but I hope that it won’t. not this time at least.
id like to be able to write a poem or something sappy and shitty, that oozes feelings like blood from the heart... instead I’m adept at scrawling away in pure prose... and even its quality is debatable. again, void of the tools or even the voice; much less the monument or the song of which to give to someone in appreciation. obviously I don’t have the words to describe it all, nor do I have the time to attempt to put any of it into words... so I should stop trying.
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
A Simple Dedication
as I’m writing this I know that I’m at least 3 days behind where I should be... its not that my thoughts aren’t lingering back to that day... its just that the days keep moving on and I’m left with little time to sit and recall what I would have liked to have said then. I’m talking about a one month anniversary... sure, in the grand scheme of things a month really doesn’t account for very much... but this month has shown me quite a few things that I haven’t learned in any other ordinary period of 30 days.
I can remember sitting here, not long ago, questioning that part of my self that cared... or rather, that part of me that wanted to care. sometimes I quietly still do, but not as I used to. Any more I just wonder where this is going to lead me to. in the past month I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a wonderful, caring, and EXCLUSI’VE relationship--- really something that’s foreign to me; but not only do I enjoy it [as I knew that I would] but that I’m really getting attached and comfortable in this role. a couple months ago, I'd have been content to shut my cell phone off, and leave it off all weekend long... why? so no one would call me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit and that was my crude solution to it all. Avoidance. now I’m finding that I rarely leave my phone off... in fact, it hardly ever leaves my hand, unless its on the charger, and why? because I don’t want to miss a call. I really do enjoy hearing one person’s voice so much, that I’m almost fearful to turn my phone off, ever. scary. it scares me... that I must admit.. to make the turn this sharply in this short amount of time... but I have to admit, it feels right... and not only does it feel right to do so; I’m not the only one doing it... and we all know that peer pressure always makes right.
so now I’m sitting around waiting for these calls; yes waiting; and I’m trying to find out why. why do I now, of all times in my life, want to be ratcheted down to a relationship. of all the things that I could be doing, this is quite possibly one of the most unproductive expenditures of time that I could be involved in. they always lead me to heartache and denial; let alone wasted time and money. and here I sit. not only awaiting it, but eagerly awaiting it... and in my own mind that makes all the difference. but it’s also THE difference. as much as I might like to think the things everyone tells me to; I still cant. I still can’t see this time as being a waste of time. although to my credit, I've have more than my share of mishaps, and many of them, I thought, started out as good intended efforts, that at the time seemed right. but not really like this. this time it’s all different. and I suppose the purist in me would argue that every time is indeed different... but this one more so... this one is uniquely different. for once, I think, there is actually another human being on the end of all these feelings... not a monstrosity that’s looking for self fulfilling satisfaction; not an attention whore, looking to hook the newest John on the street, and not even the lackluster face from the crowd that’s not even concerned about the outcome... instead she’s none of the above, yet she’s all of them at the same time. that’s why it’s all so very different and unique this time.
originally my intention was to sit and place out my thoughts about this person. its difficult, I must admit, to sit and focus in an area entirely devoted to my thoughts and my feelings, to sit and write exclusively about someone else. I’ve done it before I suppose; in many of my veiled ways; and some not so... but always for the pressing reasons of anger, spite and deliverance that I’ve grown accustomed to; when expressing some desire to vocalize about another human being. but right now that’s not that case.. its not a question of it being a coping strategy, or attention getter... its more of a question of debt. I need to. I think I owe her this one. because all the time I constantly hear from her how she loves me more than I could ever know, or how she misses me more. It’s not a question of simply stating it, or of creating the emotion.. she genuinely feels that way.. and I believe her. the problem is, how can I get her to believe me, when I say that’s not necessarily the case..... how is it your are supposed to be able to convince, thoroughly, another human being of like mind and rationality, that you too desire to be near them and a part of their life.. and being a part of that life is important to your own. its not something Hallmark talks much about... even Dillbert hasn’t ventured into this realm... so I’m stuck without man's two handiest weapons to address the situation with: preconceived and packaged thought [courtesy of someone else smarter than me who was able to make sense of this or a similar situation] or humor... mans ultimate standby. no matter how horrible something might be; man finds a way to laugh his way through it and carry on... but I cant do that. I can’t sit and laugh at her... nor would I want to.. and really nothing would quite express what I should and want to say. so now you see the dilemma.
the best place to start with all of this is probably back at the beginning of it all... and really id rather not discuss it all... I haven’t even taken the time to discuss everything like this with her yet... let alone make it clear in my head. but I probably ought to come clean about some aspects of my past... namely the horrible past I’ve had with relationships. never once have I been in the position that I’m in; one that says I’m happy and enjoy where I’m at. never have I felt completely at ease in a relationship. I suppose that’s not truly accurate here=== there are definitely times when I’m on edge, there still times when even I refuse to let my guard down. but on the whole; I can. and I do. that’s never been something I could say that I’ve been able to do before.
well I’ve now spent a great deal of pixels chattering on about nothing... see how I circle around the topic? I’m nervous about saying anything, because I know that what ever I want to say isn’t going to come out right; and nor will it do it justice to what I want said. not to mention that maybe I’m not supposed to be thinking what I am, or feeling as I should. content doesn’t cover it. I am happy. but I know it can’t last. in true fashion, more and more things keep coming up in conversation that leads me to say that its going to be very difficult to maintain all of this. I should have figured long ago; that even if I were to somehow gain something truly good for myself [and truly good for someone else], that it too would be whisked away at the worst possible moment- that time when I’ve begun to latch on to it. maybe it will; but I hope that it won’t. not this time at least.
id like to be able to write a poem or something sappy and shitty, that oozes feelings like blood from the heart... instead I’m adept at scrawling away in pure prose... and even its quality is debatable. again, void of the tools or even the voice; much less the monument or the song of which to give to someone in appreciation. obviously I don’t have the words to describe it all, nor do I have the time to attempt to put any of it into words... so I should stop trying.
so for now, all I have is a simple dedication. a simple declarative that after only a month I really would say its felt like 6. that instead of just knowing something about a person, I for once can actually say that I am learning the person. no bullshit facts about someone, nothing like that... really learning the person; their habits, mannerisms and personality; those things that make that person unique. those things that make me appreciate having that other person around in my life. so it’s only a simple dedication of thought to another person, that I am now giving away. not only that I am thinking about you; but I’m attempting to write something, but this is the best that I could manage... just a simple dedication.
so for all the days and nights we’ve spent doing absolutely nothing; or just the time in between where I know we sit wondering about each other between classes and constant phone calls... for all the headaches that disappear and the time that just disappears when I’m with you; all I can say is thank you; and although I probably can never say it; you probably don’t understand half of what I do [neither do I sometimes], but I know that at least I have someone else around. for the times when you sit and cry and feel fortunate to have me; you may never know how fortunate I am to have you, because I’ll probably never show it the way you show me. as bad as it all might be, and as long as they days may replay in my head, when I reach over and feel you at night; I know that there is at least one good thing about what I do; and its just getting through the day to get home to you.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - Sweet Caress
lookin at the ocean blue || sittin thinkin here of you || cast'in light down from the moon || sweet caress the ocean blue || just a stolent moment through || coldest night the fullest moon || i cant tell you why it happened || somethings been pullin me to you || no apologies have been requested || far beneath a yellow moon || feelin out the ocean blue || felt you coming through and new || kind of frozen, dream of you
Such A Long Time.
well quite obviously its been a long time since ive posted. i dont really have excuses. i also dont need to make any. i dont have much to complain about; and im sure everyone would just wonder more about me if i suddenly decided to keep track of happy things... appearantly this is the blog, touted as moving people to 'wrist slitting' and 'absolute macombre,' so its been along time since ive wanted to make a come back. lately everything has been good though. its up and down. its day to day. but more often than not, i cant complain. ive learned that once the pot starts to simmer down, you never throw more into the mess... let it stew. everything is well and good; no we havent broken up yet; no i havent had to fire anyone recently; yes im passing my classes; no i never study enough latin; but yes its all well an good. so ive tried to take a very laid back approach to life lately... so much so its noticeable. i think my parents even have noticed on the phone with me; friends notice; its tough not to notice. not that i feel that i approach life in a wound-up way; just that for once im slowly backing down from the ledge. i can see it all from where im at... just its nice keeping that extra drop step for safety and comfort.
but when i think about time, and i think about edges... i think of endings. always coupled with beginings, but of endings. its been such a long time between endings and beginings, that now that i have a begining of something interesting in my life, im actually taking the time to notice it.... rather than drawing out the end, as it typcially tends to happen with me. thats not completely right though... people like to draw things out. really? yeah. see when it all happens, and when you end friendships and relationships with others, you want the end... when it gets bad, you crave the finality of it all... just the words ITS OVER, have some calming effect thats just soothing. but its more like novacaine, soothing the nerves, numbing you from the pain, so that you are insulated when the real damage is done... when the real shit starts to churn in the holes of your flesh; you want that end so you stop feeling it. and then you get it. and you spend your time nursing the wound, watching over yourself... until someone comes along and rips that gaping sore wide open again. see, i thought finallity meant an end to it all. i guess not. some people are just not content with that. even after its all done; after they initiated the split; after they saw to the ending of it all; the bring it back. in cold blackface. if you want the end to it all, and you want to end that person; and you block them from your life... dont follow them. dont read up on them, looking for their profile on the wall when you want it. dont go looking up others to satisfy you unfounded curiousities. we know it when you do it. we see all that you do, we hear every syllable you drop to 'friends' among you. so do us both a favor. follow your imposed end. live up to the unilateral deal you imposed, and stay out of my life. dont randomly unblock me just to read my away messages or profile; dont be creepy and lurk about, finding my girlfriends screenname and looking at her information... or reading about her life they way she writes about it--- you dont know her, and thats why i like it this way. if you cant handle not having me around, go back the the begining of the end... go back to when you decided i was such an awful person, or just when you started treating me as such; go back to when you started all this madness, such a long time ago, and then relive the end. then see the way in which the water has flowed, and feel regret, remorse or satisfaction--- that is ultimately your decision; but stay on your side of the edge... stop looking over at my side of the gorge which you dug for us... and when the numbness [should it ever] wear off; and your vision and hindsight become clear, let the hurting begin; because of the end. know that leading people into friendship, purely for explotation of your needs, is never, the right thing to do; but you did it. then understand why it has to be. understand why i want nothing to do with you, although i wish no harm or use no harsh words, i just move on. see it all for what you made it; live with what you did.
"His eyes are on the ways of men; he sees their every step. There is no dark place, no deep shadow, where evildoers can hide. God has no need to examine men further, that they should come before him for judgement. Without inquiry he shatters the mighty and sets up others in their place. Because he takes note of their deeds, he overthrows them in the night and they are crushed. He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone can see them, because they turned from following him and had no regard for any of his ways." --- Job, 34:21-27 just for You, a small passage to remember me by.
oh its been such a long time since ive felt this way. its been a long time when i can say its a pleasure to be alive. sure, minor things come up.. people and their fucking attitudes... disregard for authority... sniviling coward communist crooks, crooning the end to war, and a cheerful humanitarian crusade of sing-along in the middle east.. but the sun is always shining. the weather is getting warmer, and the gray sky of winter has receeded beyond the edges of the horizon. now is the time of glory and prosper in all things wonderous. now are the days leading directly into a semester break. so it may be a short time before i return, but i will, as i always do. and i will return to write something special to someone special. it is the 14th and all...
Lookin' on the ocean blue || Sail away and think of you || Sweet caress the ocean blue || And I know it's not the last time || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Tried ta hold it back a long time || Far beneath the silver moon || I have seen a million faces || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Like an ocean pullin' me in... || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue >/i>
ain't it fun~
s.
lookin at the ocean blue || sittin thinkin here of you || cast'in light down from the moon || sweet caress the ocean blue || just a stolent moment through || coldest night the fullest moon || i cant tell you why it happened || somethings been pullin me to you || no apologies have been requested || far beneath a yellow moon || feelin out the ocean blue || felt you coming through and new || kind of frozen, dream of you
Such A Long Time.
well quite obviously its been a long time since ive posted. i dont really have excuses. i also dont need to make any. i dont have much to complain about; and im sure everyone would just wonder more about me if i suddenly decided to keep track of happy things... appearantly this is the blog, touted as moving people to 'wrist slitting' and 'absolute macombre,' so its been along time since ive wanted to make a come back. lately everything has been good though. its up and down. its day to day. but more often than not, i cant complain. ive learned that once the pot starts to simmer down, you never throw more into the mess... let it stew. everything is well and good; no we havent broken up yet; no i havent had to fire anyone recently; yes im passing my classes; no i never study enough latin; but yes its all well an good. so ive tried to take a very laid back approach to life lately... so much so its noticeable. i think my parents even have noticed on the phone with me; friends notice; its tough not to notice. not that i feel that i approach life in a wound-up way; just that for once im slowly backing down from the ledge. i can see it all from where im at... just its nice keeping that extra drop step for safety and comfort.
but when i think about time, and i think about edges... i think of endings. always coupled with beginings, but of endings. its been such a long time between endings and beginings, that now that i have a begining of something interesting in my life, im actually taking the time to notice it.... rather than drawing out the end, as it typcially tends to happen with me. thats not completely right though... people like to draw things out. really? yeah. see when it all happens, and when you end friendships and relationships with others, you want the end... when it gets bad, you crave the finality of it all... just the words ITS OVER, have some calming effect thats just soothing. but its more like novacaine, soothing the nerves, numbing you from the pain, so that you are insulated when the real damage is done... when the real shit starts to churn in the holes of your flesh; you want that end so you stop feeling it. and then you get it. and you spend your time nursing the wound, watching over yourself... until someone comes along and rips that gaping sore wide open again. see, i thought finallity meant an end to it all. i guess not. some people are just not content with that. even after its all done; after they initiated the split; after they saw to the ending of it all; the bring it back. in cold blackface. if you want the end to it all, and you want to end that person; and you block them from your life... dont follow them. dont read up on them, looking for their profile on the wall when you want it. dont go looking up others to satisfy you unfounded curiousities. we know it when you do it. we see all that you do, we hear every syllable you drop to 'friends' among you. so do us both a favor. follow your imposed end. live up to the unilateral deal you imposed, and stay out of my life. dont randomly unblock me just to read my away messages or profile; dont be creepy and lurk about, finding my girlfriends screenname and looking at her information... or reading about her life they way she writes about it--- you dont know her, and thats why i like it this way. if you cant handle not having me around, go back the the begining of the end... go back to when you decided i was such an awful person, or just when you started treating me as such; go back to when you started all this madness, such a long time ago, and then relive the end. then see the way in which the water has flowed, and feel regret, remorse or satisfaction--- that is ultimately your decision; but stay on your side of the edge... stop looking over at my side of the gorge which you dug for us... and when the numbness [should it ever] wear off; and your vision and hindsight become clear, let the hurting begin; because of the end. know that leading people into friendship, purely for explotation of your needs, is never, the right thing to do; but you did it. then understand why it has to be. understand why i want nothing to do with you, although i wish no harm or use no harsh words, i just move on. see it all for what you made it; live with what you did.
"His eyes are on the ways of men; he sees their every step. There is no dark place, no deep shadow, where evildoers can hide. God has no need to examine men further, that they should come before him for judgement. Without inquiry he shatters the mighty and sets up others in their place. Because he takes note of their deeds, he overthrows them in the night and they are crushed. He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone can see them, because they turned from following him and had no regard for any of his ways." --- Job, 34:21-27 just for You, a small passage to remember me by.
oh its been such a long time since ive felt this way. its been a long time when i can say its a pleasure to be alive. sure, minor things come up.. people and their fucking attitudes... disregard for authority... sniviling coward communist crooks, crooning the end to war, and a cheerful humanitarian crusade of sing-along in the middle east.. but the sun is always shining. the weather is getting warmer, and the gray sky of winter has receeded beyond the edges of the horizon. now is the time of glory and prosper in all things wonderous. now are the days leading directly into a semester break. so it may be a short time before i return, but i will, as i always do. and i will return to write something special to someone special. it is the 14th and all...
Lookin' on the ocean blue || Sail away and think of you || Sweet caress the ocean blue || And I know it's not the last time || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Tried ta hold it back a long time || Far beneath the silver moon || I have seen a million faces || Somethings been pullin' me to you || Like an ocean pullin' me in... || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue || Sweet caress the ocean blue >/i>
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Resisting the Urge...
its quite clear everyone wants to drag me into further conflict... conflicts deeply rooted in personal affinities for vengance, built on mistrust, and immaturity, and incredible senses of self-lacking. each day, they find new ways to try and force the issue to me. some days its nothing more than whining in the office... others, as usual, its just whining in their online journals, and rarely is it they make any direct address to me. its humorous. i laugh when im supposed to take these people seriously... how could you? its like dealing with kids... it really is. kids whine. kids complain. kids dig at parents, attempting to grant a concession. parents dont budge. parents grow a thick skin to it all, and keep about the business of running a family---of staying with whats important to them. kids... kids just pine away at trivial shit. kids never stop. adults, they move on. and for all the times i could have done it, im much more satisfied that i did not; in fact, need to resort to any of the antics of the people around me. it makes life difficult to live this way. going from day to day, never once seeing the type of person id want to identify with. and then when i do, its only at night... just a few fleeting hours... where im forced to divert attention away from what matters to me... to homework, to others stupid plights and mundane existences, and to hearing about children at play... diverted away from where my attention should be. locking the door doesent keep them away, and keep my attention where it needs to be. so to her i am deeply sorry. my time is slight and precious, the moments are fleeting, and there is nothing that i can do to change any of this. it is only by chance, some days, that i can even enjoy seeing you from across a room, never to see you fully or touch a piece of creation; always mired deeply in the darkness. deeply in the darkness of the warring of the Children that surround me. dealing with it all makes living life difficult.
last couple days have moved pretty slowly. after being at home for a total of 13 hours, its hard to feel rested... granted i was only there to do heavy lifting and other manual labor, but the laundry was free... and the homecooked meal was nice... so was the company of family and friends... even so... its just not enough to recharge my batteries from living life in this existence. this surreal world of careless frivolty. a land where children and the purusit of their ego rules the day. where that golden soul, is often tarnished black, under the flames of missgiving, to forever be a darkened shadow of its former self. i try hard, so very hard, in these dark days, to remain calm about it all. knowing that one day soon, they will all force me into something; force me into action that i will most likely regret. but they want that... they want that more than i want to be left alone. attempting to understand that, while going on about ones daily life, makes living life difficult.
i wanted so bad for this year to be positive. i wanted so much to see the changes in myself, and others, that i knew needed to occur on this grand road to glory; and yet, i have seen only the worst of them. i have seen only the failings of attunement, and only in the most dire of times, have i seen them succeed. no, it is is on a daily basis, i much watch them resort to the Child within. i watch them, i hear them, and i have to supervise them... and all the while i wonder to myself, why i must be the one to bear this burden. the burden, not only of responsibility... as the children clearly are lacking, but also the burden of maturity. why is it, i must be the only one 'condemned' to a life of thought and response, of reason and of logic; why is it they remain free in their state, with their childistic urges and views... carrying toys and crying to each other, causing infighting and bickering, and gossiping all the while. all these things i must bear witness to, but must be silent about. i have no choice. for that is the true burden of the mature, responsible and enlightened adult. walking that path, when surrounded by the lunacy and the rashness of Children, makes living life difficult.
instead, this year ive not learned about myself, as i was told that i would, i have learned about the people around me. i have found greater cause and greater reason, strengthening my convictions, and loosening my remorse for the people around me and my responsive treatment to them. its hard to want to feel remorse for correcting Children... they know no better... these Children do. they claim to atleast. but thats what makes adults different from Children. we do, they do not. and so im forced to live alone in the world of the Child. im alone subjected to the ways of error and selfish gains, where the glorification of the plight, and the 'masturbation of ones ego' [as i have so timely called it] rule the day, and consume the hours. let them move away from me O Lord, for in this great time of darkness, i wish nothing more than to rest out the remainder of my days, and to rejoice in the beauty of those things that do matter to me... Lord i ask to be free of the bonds of servitude that bring me in the midst of Children... show to them, their ways, let them wallow in their despair, and let them walk the path and lie in the ditches they dig. Lord let me be free from them. let me find a way to make living this life, not so difficult anymore.
its quite clear everyone wants to drag me into further conflict... conflicts deeply rooted in personal affinities for vengance, built on mistrust, and immaturity, and incredible senses of self-lacking. each day, they find new ways to try and force the issue to me. some days its nothing more than whining in the office... others, as usual, its just whining in their online journals, and rarely is it they make any direct address to me. its humorous. i laugh when im supposed to take these people seriously... how could you? its like dealing with kids... it really is. kids whine. kids complain. kids dig at parents, attempting to grant a concession. parents dont budge. parents grow a thick skin to it all, and keep about the business of running a family---of staying with whats important to them. kids... kids just pine away at trivial shit. kids never stop. adults, they move on. and for all the times i could have done it, im much more satisfied that i did not; in fact, need to resort to any of the antics of the people around me. it makes life difficult to live this way. going from day to day, never once seeing the type of person id want to identify with. and then when i do, its only at night... just a few fleeting hours... where im forced to divert attention away from what matters to me... to homework, to others stupid plights and mundane existences, and to hearing about children at play... diverted away from where my attention should be. locking the door doesent keep them away, and keep my attention where it needs to be. so to her i am deeply sorry. my time is slight and precious, the moments are fleeting, and there is nothing that i can do to change any of this. it is only by chance, some days, that i can even enjoy seeing you from across a room, never to see you fully or touch a piece of creation; always mired deeply in the darkness. deeply in the darkness of the warring of the Children that surround me. dealing with it all makes living life difficult.
last couple days have moved pretty slowly. after being at home for a total of 13 hours, its hard to feel rested... granted i was only there to do heavy lifting and other manual labor, but the laundry was free... and the homecooked meal was nice... so was the company of family and friends... even so... its just not enough to recharge my batteries from living life in this existence. this surreal world of careless frivolty. a land where children and the purusit of their ego rules the day. where that golden soul, is often tarnished black, under the flames of missgiving, to forever be a darkened shadow of its former self. i try hard, so very hard, in these dark days, to remain calm about it all. knowing that one day soon, they will all force me into something; force me into action that i will most likely regret. but they want that... they want that more than i want to be left alone. attempting to understand that, while going on about ones daily life, makes living life difficult.
i wanted so bad for this year to be positive. i wanted so much to see the changes in myself, and others, that i knew needed to occur on this grand road to glory; and yet, i have seen only the worst of them. i have seen only the failings of attunement, and only in the most dire of times, have i seen them succeed. no, it is is on a daily basis, i much watch them resort to the Child within. i watch them, i hear them, and i have to supervise them... and all the while i wonder to myself, why i must be the one to bear this burden. the burden, not only of responsibility... as the children clearly are lacking, but also the burden of maturity. why is it, i must be the only one 'condemned' to a life of thought and response, of reason and of logic; why is it they remain free in their state, with their childistic urges and views... carrying toys and crying to each other, causing infighting and bickering, and gossiping all the while. all these things i must bear witness to, but must be silent about. i have no choice. for that is the true burden of the mature, responsible and enlightened adult. walking that path, when surrounded by the lunacy and the rashness of Children, makes living life difficult.
instead, this year ive not learned about myself, as i was told that i would, i have learned about the people around me. i have found greater cause and greater reason, strengthening my convictions, and loosening my remorse for the people around me and my responsive treatment to them. its hard to want to feel remorse for correcting Children... they know no better... these Children do. they claim to atleast. but thats what makes adults different from Children. we do, they do not. and so im forced to live alone in the world of the Child. im alone subjected to the ways of error and selfish gains, where the glorification of the plight, and the 'masturbation of ones ego' [as i have so timely called it] rule the day, and consume the hours. let them move away from me O Lord, for in this great time of darkness, i wish nothing more than to rest out the remainder of my days, and to rejoice in the beauty of those things that do matter to me... Lord i ask to be free of the bonds of servitude that bring me in the midst of Children... show to them, their ways, let them wallow in their despair, and let them walk the path and lie in the ditches they dig. Lord let me be free from them. let me find a way to make living this life, not so difficult anymore.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
***
Statement by Principle Party Member Scott R. Alvarado, Concerning The Current Status of Relations
In orchestration with the recent events, it has become necessary for the official statement of policy concerning the relationship between the two identified principle parties; one Scott Alvarado, and one Erin Lemanski. The following finding of fact, has been stipulated to by the above cited parties;
On or about Friday, February 14th, 2003; the co-conspirators entered into a mutually agreed meeting, attended by an independent source; the contents of which, have not been fully disclosed, but the meeting was certified as lasting for multiple hours; the parties were then witnessed at Hillcrest Dining Service, at approximately 8 am, on Saturday, February 15th.
On or about Saturday, February 15th, 2003; the co-conspirators again entered into a private meeting, of which the location was moved several times throughout the night, and surveilance work performed by local authorites failed to locate the parties involved; until approximately 9am Sunday, February 16th; where again the individuals in question were positively identified at Hillcrest Dining Service.
Exact whereabouts on the following days from Monday, February 16th through Thursday, February 19th are unknown; the two parties were seen at multiple instances on each, ranging from public spaces, but more frequently the residence of Mr. Alvarado. They were again positively identified meeting undercover of darkness on strictly clandestine operations. At this point; we can only assume the individuals were in constant contact with each other durring this timespan. Begining with Friday, February 20th, the parties in question were spotted in view by various members of the local community, and several subsequent opinions and theories have been drawn concerning their partnership at this point in time.
Since that time, the parties have continued to meet in open areas, but also in seclusion; rarely in view of or accessible by other members of the local community. At one point, Mr. Alvarado, who fled on foot, was allegedly spotted in the Coralville municipal area, while Ms. Lemanski was spotted in public view at several locations in the downtown Iowa City area. As of this time, it is unknown to investigators what exactly has transpired, or what forced the pair into public view, and what forced them into opposite directions. The move baffled local investigators, and they endured a subsequent breakdown in communication and monitoring. It is likely that scrutiny of the investigation has in some respect tipped them off to the efforts of the local community; and has compromised the investigation. Again both members were seen in uncharacteristically public locations since this alleged partnership began, and the exact where abouts of Mr. Alvarado have yet to be determined, as have any motive identified for his brief dissappearnce. However Ms. Lemanski is able to provide witnesses attesting to her whereabouts on the night in question, but is not able to provide for a substantial period of time. However, both individuals were then accounted for at the residence of Mr. Alvarado from approximately 12:30am, until 3pm Saturday, February 22nd.
Since the begining of the investigation; little information has been divulged. No transcripts or evidence of the encounters remain; and both members have been particularly carefull in evading the known methods of observation by local investigatory persons. As of this time, no official reccomendations have been made; and no charges have been filled in conjunction with the events of this case. This does not however, rule out the possibility of the two members to be conspiring to act against the wishes of the proper jurisdictional personnel.
However, it is my duty to inform you members of the press, that an agreement has been reached between the two principle parties. As of this past weekend of February 22nd through the 23rd; the two parties have made some form of mutually agreeable decision. The details of this agreement are sketchy, and we are working our best to interpret the data we have been afforded. Even so, it does indeed appear correct that; the two above individuals are now to be considered one item for the purposes of futher knowledge. We ask members of the community to not, repeat, not, approach or accost these individuals as they are under no penalty of law; and do not remain primary suspects in our current investigation. The individuals have been upfront when dealing with local investigators, and we are certain that more information; as it becomes available will be proposed at the proper time.
Mr. Alvarado does offer the following words;
"Although I'm not quite sure whats going on; all that I can say is that for once in my life, I am actually happy to be in a mutually responsive relationship, and quite frankly could not think of a better person to spend time with. Knowing that my actions are likely to be held in high scrutiny, I would hope that various members of the public afford us some respect in this issue of most private matters, and allow us to continue on the pursuit of our happiness, in our own ways. The affairs of the heart are well documented; so read them... don't question ours. At this point in time I am very, very satisfied with the progression of and the current status of the relationship with Ms. Lemanski, and do very much adore her presence and respect her individuality in my own life."
----- [signed]
Scott R. Alvarado
This concludes the official statement. Members of the media may wish to stay; as we will field questions to the best of our abilities.
----- [signed]
General Counsel for Mr. Alvarado
----- [signed]
Acting Director, Universal Student Relations Watchdog Group
***
STORY SOURCE: Universal Student Relations Watchdog Group, 2300 Quadrangle Hall, Iowa City, Iowa 52242.
MEDIA CONTACT: Acting Director of Media Relations, 319-335-0000, to arrange interviews with Mr. Alvarado after 1 p.m. today, Wednesday, Feb. 26.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so, in short... if you cant understand that...
it is official, Erin and I are couple. and for the record, we have considered ourselves as such for an indefinite period of time preceeding this disclosure. for those of you that may be unsettled by this; i offer my condolances; but i assure you; both of us feel very strongly that this was the best course of action to undertake until we were ready to admit to ourselves what was going on. since doing that, i have, and she has, felt very comfortable with the status of our relationship. for those of you who may not approve of this... i have nothing to offer you. instead i only wish that you could see this as mature, and enlightened adults, and be happy for the happiness that two people share for each other; rather than in the selfish and needless harrasment and inappropriate meddlings into our affairs; as well as the juvenile extension of your thoughts as purposeful and spiteful actions. so in short... i am officially off the market; and couldnt be more happy to say it.
s.
Thursday, February 20, 2003
so this is a short post...
i have alot to say, but i dont really have alot to say to alot of people right now. i also told myself that this is not the place that gets turned into a pure launching pad for my shit fanning. instead; its the place for my thoughts, that i gracesously allow you all to read. so... with that in mind...
1) stop asking me questions. heres the answer--- i dont know. all the questions and conversations ive had in the past 3 days have been about me and someone else. its not important whats going on. what is important, is that she and i are happy. what is important is you just let us be happy. the real truth about this? i havent even told her... [so im sorry you have to hear it this way]... but i couldnt stop thinking about it all today. i couldnt stop thinking about you, and whats going on, and me, and everything about it. and i liked it. but everytime i got to a point, i had to stop. i guess i never thought of it this seriously; but theres alot of people out there that just cant settle for 2 people wanting to be happy. they try and they try, just to stop it... to fuck it all up... to be an ass, to be annoying, to be aggrivating, to be trivial, to try and prevent it. the kicker was, today i was thinking about breaking it all off with her... when she and i talked about it, the answer was pretty clear; and now im starting to see why... and i agree with her more than ever about it.--- the problem with us, isnt us... its all of you. for that alone, i thought about telling her that it cant go on. im walking home, knowing shes asleep on my couch, waiting for me to come back; and all i can think about is how ive got to reconcile everything. i know that it cant go on forever.... i know some of you are just trying your god damndest to see this flop. some of you make up excuses and lie. some of you just decide to harass us. but i know at some point it either has to stop, or ill have to give in. at this point, i dont want to have to stop this; and tell her we cant see each other any longer. and im halfway home when i realize thats not what i want: when i realized thats not anyway to wake someone up. thats not anyway i want this to work. just all of you can leave well enough alone. its our business, not yours. if this fails and falls through; know that you all are ruining two people, not just me. if it were just me, id smile and tell you to try it. id welcome some more of your unfettered spite, blowing vile and anger at me because you hate me that much. but im not going to put her through all of this shit; but im not going to let you do that to her. she doesnt deserve your shit people. she doesnt deserve getting questioned, constantly asked and attended too, getting stares, having to deal with your lives when she has her own, or getting lectured for for living her own life. talk about me all you want. its never stopped you before. but leave her out of this.
2) so whats going on? heres the answer--- i do know, and i dont know. what i do know is; i had the most memorable weekend with another person, that i have ever had. i have never, ever expected anything like this to have ever happened in a million years. to sit and talk to someone for an hour is a feat. to do it for 8/9 hours is unheard of. to go back and do it all again the next fucking day is just crazy. then a third. then a fourth. you get the idea. i dont know what to say about it. i think it speaks for its self. and i dont know why it happened. i dont know how it all worked out. and im not even sure what im doing anymore. i just know that this has been an incredible week. and i know i really dont deserve any of it. i know i havent done anything that makes me any better than any other man on God's creation. God owes me nothing, and yet He puts something like this in motion. and how the hell am i supposed to react? i know in my heart, and in my mind, ive done nothing worthy of this. and i cant really get over that. i live my life. i live it alone if i have to. i say my prayers, but i dont ask for anything for myself. and here is just this awesome thing thats been put here... and i dont know how to handle it. i dont know how to believe it, i dont know how to say thankyou, and i dont know why i have been given some of the greatest experiences and memories, i think anyone could ask for. its like a sappy love story, but its real. i dont know what the hell love is. i dont even care. all i know is right now everything is good. each day is valuable and precious. and each day brings something new. its hard to look at it any other way. a week ago, i would have laughed if you said all this would happen to me. i would have laughed if someone said you'll find yourself just unable to stop spending time with her. i would have laughed if you said someone would even show interest in you; laughed so hard that id have never heard you say id be sitting with my arms around her at 6am on the second day, looking in her eyes as the sun comes up, trying to figure out how the hell i got there. but i did.
3) everyone else. so everyone else that can read this can just figure it out for themselves. i dont know anything; it takes men smarter than me to make sense out of a world like this; and theres no way i can hope to understand why everything has been the way it has. everyone else will think of it what they will, and thats the point of all this. people will continue to gossip; people will want to know whats going on, that have no right to. dont worry! stop. i can tell people next door, down the hall, downstairs, upstairs, outside, the next building, 4 buildings away.... are all talking about this; and i dont know why. some of you hate the idea of it. some of you love the idea of all this happening, and most of you just need to think about it, before you do anything. even those people that no longer speak to me, or associate with me, are going to think about this, and honestly i cant stop that. there are people ive known all my life, that dont know what to say when i tell them about this. i tell them, i dont even know. i tell them its a big a surprise as that first kiss. you never expect it to happen. you never know quite what to make of it. but you never want it to end in your mind. but from then on, you know its real. you know its something that did happen, because you spend all day thinking about it-- and i havent stopped yet.
i have alot to say, but i dont really have alot to say to alot of people right now. i also told myself that this is not the place that gets turned into a pure launching pad for my shit fanning. instead; its the place for my thoughts, that i gracesously allow you all to read. so... with that in mind...
1) stop asking me questions. heres the answer--- i dont know. all the questions and conversations ive had in the past 3 days have been about me and someone else. its not important whats going on. what is important, is that she and i are happy. what is important is you just let us be happy. the real truth about this? i havent even told her... [so im sorry you have to hear it this way]... but i couldnt stop thinking about it all today. i couldnt stop thinking about you, and whats going on, and me, and everything about it. and i liked it. but everytime i got to a point, i had to stop. i guess i never thought of it this seriously; but theres alot of people out there that just cant settle for 2 people wanting to be happy. they try and they try, just to stop it... to fuck it all up... to be an ass, to be annoying, to be aggrivating, to be trivial, to try and prevent it. the kicker was, today i was thinking about breaking it all off with her... when she and i talked about it, the answer was pretty clear; and now im starting to see why... and i agree with her more than ever about it.--- the problem with us, isnt us... its all of you. for that alone, i thought about telling her that it cant go on. im walking home, knowing shes asleep on my couch, waiting for me to come back; and all i can think about is how ive got to reconcile everything. i know that it cant go on forever.... i know some of you are just trying your god damndest to see this flop. some of you make up excuses and lie. some of you just decide to harass us. but i know at some point it either has to stop, or ill have to give in. at this point, i dont want to have to stop this; and tell her we cant see each other any longer. and im halfway home when i realize thats not what i want: when i realized thats not anyway to wake someone up. thats not anyway i want this to work. just all of you can leave well enough alone. its our business, not yours. if this fails and falls through; know that you all are ruining two people, not just me. if it were just me, id smile and tell you to try it. id welcome some more of your unfettered spite, blowing vile and anger at me because you hate me that much. but im not going to put her through all of this shit; but im not going to let you do that to her. she doesnt deserve your shit people. she doesnt deserve getting questioned, constantly asked and attended too, getting stares, having to deal with your lives when she has her own, or getting lectured for for living her own life. talk about me all you want. its never stopped you before. but leave her out of this.
2) so whats going on? heres the answer--- i do know, and i dont know. what i do know is; i had the most memorable weekend with another person, that i have ever had. i have never, ever expected anything like this to have ever happened in a million years. to sit and talk to someone for an hour is a feat. to do it for 8/9 hours is unheard of. to go back and do it all again the next fucking day is just crazy. then a third. then a fourth. you get the idea. i dont know what to say about it. i think it speaks for its self. and i dont know why it happened. i dont know how it all worked out. and im not even sure what im doing anymore. i just know that this has been an incredible week. and i know i really dont deserve any of it. i know i havent done anything that makes me any better than any other man on God's creation. God owes me nothing, and yet He puts something like this in motion. and how the hell am i supposed to react? i know in my heart, and in my mind, ive done nothing worthy of this. and i cant really get over that. i live my life. i live it alone if i have to. i say my prayers, but i dont ask for anything for myself. and here is just this awesome thing thats been put here... and i dont know how to handle it. i dont know how to believe it, i dont know how to say thankyou, and i dont know why i have been given some of the greatest experiences and memories, i think anyone could ask for. its like a sappy love story, but its real. i dont know what the hell love is. i dont even care. all i know is right now everything is good. each day is valuable and precious. and each day brings something new. its hard to look at it any other way. a week ago, i would have laughed if you said all this would happen to me. i would have laughed if someone said you'll find yourself just unable to stop spending time with her. i would have laughed if you said someone would even show interest in you; laughed so hard that id have never heard you say id be sitting with my arms around her at 6am on the second day, looking in her eyes as the sun comes up, trying to figure out how the hell i got there. but i did.
3) everyone else. so everyone else that can read this can just figure it out for themselves. i dont know anything; it takes men smarter than me to make sense out of a world like this; and theres no way i can hope to understand why everything has been the way it has. everyone else will think of it what they will, and thats the point of all this. people will continue to gossip; people will want to know whats going on, that have no right to. dont worry! stop. i can tell people next door, down the hall, downstairs, upstairs, outside, the next building, 4 buildings away.... are all talking about this; and i dont know why. some of you hate the idea of it. some of you love the idea of all this happening, and most of you just need to think about it, before you do anything. even those people that no longer speak to me, or associate with me, are going to think about this, and honestly i cant stop that. there are people ive known all my life, that dont know what to say when i tell them about this. i tell them, i dont even know. i tell them its a big a surprise as that first kiss. you never expect it to happen. you never know quite what to make of it. but you never want it to end in your mind. but from then on, you know its real. you know its something that did happen, because you spend all day thinking about it-- and i havent stopped yet.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Smashing Pumpkins - Today
Got a request to talk about some more on the romance and relationship subject. I don’t see a need to. I honestly don’t have much to say. You all seem to like it when I ramble on about stories and adventures I had when I was young and stupid. So without any particular direction, I shall ramble for you.
Not long ago, I had a late evening get together [since I apparently cant qualify as a date] where she and I talked a lot about life back in high school. I'd known her since junior high at least, but we still like to talk about what it was like then; we liked talking about what was different then from now, needless to say it was a long night. For a while it was easy, we both were dispelling the myths and things the other didn’t know, and it was fun, revealing and fun. But it was hard. It was hard for me not to tell the truth to her. It was difficult for me to sit and dodge what was on my mind. And for me, it was her. Back in high school I guess I had something of a crush on her. And I never told her. It didn’t really pop back into my mind until I was sitting there with her, in that dank 24-hour restaurant, several hours from home. In the smoking section, of all places, we sat, really barring all about what is like, and what it was like. She was surprised that I remembered so much about her, and that I noticed so much in high school. I couldn’t tell her why. I'd let her talk for so long, and while I listened to everything she said, my mind just kept wandering away from me, trying to find a way to bring it all up… to find a way to say, "gee, back then I really was attracted to you," without it sounding really creepy.
I don’t think there really is a way to go about that. Back in high school, we had a lot of classes together, she and I were always around each other. For me then, I didn't know how to handle it. How the fuck do act normal around one of the more beautiful girls you’ve ever met, when you sit next to her in 3 classes? So I did probably what all men have resorted to at one point or another. I made fun of her. God it was stupid of me. I didn’t go full-tilt on her, as I know some of you may be a bit floored at that comment… but I gave her a continual ribbing. She took it well. That’s always surprised me about her. Anyway, it was the only way I could really make it through it all. I joke a lot. I fuck around a lot. But I only do it with those I feel comfortable around. I still find myself doing it. People, females especially, never quite seem to know how to take it. And I guess, me saying, "I only do it because I like you," just doesn’t make it clear to them. But that’s why I do it. I still hate that I do that. I hate that I did it then, and that I still do it. It ruins things fast. Back then, I suppose it could do the job to alleviate the tension; but now, in my older age, I feel a lot of my mistakes hurt me more than they hurt others. I've learned that I've pushed people away by doing things like that, and I hate myself for it.
All of that is swimming through my head as she chatters on about people from school. Baby's, deaths, marriages… all-important stuff to know about. But I kept coming back to it in my head. I still was trying to find a way to cleanse my soul of it… just to come clean about it all, in good faith. That was stupid. Then I start arguing with myself over arguing about it; is it something to even say or bring up, is it not? She started talking about her experiences in the past summer. That woke me up out of it. She was telling me a lot of things that really, really, made me question what she'd turned out to be. I wasn't listening before, but now I was. Now she was someone different than the cute girl in high school. Now I was someone different to her, judging by the material conveyed to me, and now I questioned that too. I questioned myself up and down about whether I was in fact, a different person that whom she'd known. I likely am.
We were two different people really. She was popular. Popular. I wasn't. I had my friends; generally speaking it was a small group of guys, no girls, that I'd known from what I did, and groups I was involved with. She had a huge variety of friends. Everyone knew who she was. Me? Not so much. Her friends were also popular people. Mine were the scourge of the school, much like me. Not quite the resentful band of fools I was friendly with, but not much better off. She was a cheerleader. [A gorgeous one at that.] I was band dork. And not a faithful one at that, coming and going as I pleased, playing my trumpet or drum set occasionally [to the ire of the band director]. She always looked to be having fun, she was always the spirit of the squad, pepping about with a smile and a twirl of her skirt. I sat in the back row, with my long hair and Nirvana t-shirts, if I blended in it was probably on accident. She did a lot of the professional clubs too, Key Club, National Honors Society, shit like that. I turned NHS down; fuck good grades, high school grades didn’t mean shit in the real world; so I became the speaker. I became the eloquent and the fervent orator of the debate team, and I played chess for the school too. She was saving the world and making it better. I argued for the wars, then reenacted them with my army of plastic men. She was at all the parties and knew all the cool kids to be with. I wasn’t invited to my own party, and people rarely associated themselves near me. She got caught up in the rush of it all, was on the student senate, and dance committees, eventually ended up as class president one year. Heh. I wrote scathing editorials in the school paper, and was managing editor of the literary magazine. She be came the apple of the eye, the sparkle in the gem about being a success in high school. I skipped some classes, walked out of aud's and waived a finger to it all. Two different people. And although I may feel like I'm on to something, I have to know that no matter what, we are two different people. One not like the other.
The girl I was sitting with however, was no longer the girl I thought she was. I was surprised by her actions, by her words, her gestures. She wasn’t much of what I remembered her to be; yet she was more than what I had remembered. She had really become two different people to me now. The girl I knew, and the girl that sat in front of me. The girl in front of me wasn't the happy one I used to know. She was still every bit the looker, but she looked differently… it was in her eyes and in her face, something that maybe an artist with a brush and a vision could touch at, but nothing that I could describe to him. It was the emotion in her words, it was the drifting gaze away from me, and it was the essence of the cigarette smoke curling away from her hand. It was maturity, and it was growth. It was dark. The bright spot of memory has turned into something of a blended tone. The air of excellence and perfection was now lessened. She was in fact a real person now, no longer the stereotyped image of my mind, where shed dwelt the past few years. She was now someone else. And I didn’t know if I liked it.
I can only guess at what she thought of me. I know that I am the same person I have always been - time and events have not changed me, people have changed their attitude towards me. But for her, I'm sure I wasn’t exactly who she remembered either. If I couldn’t do it, why would anyone else? If I could sit and piece together these memories of nothing; the memories of making her smile at my answer to the teacher in calculus, or maybe just a fleeting glimpse of her walking past me in the hall way in the early afternoon light. If I couldn’t find the same person in all of those things, sitting in front of me; how could she? She didn’t, I suspect.
So… what in the fuck does that have to do with Valentines Day? I dunno. I'm not that kind of person that can make sense out of everything, something's but not all. But for two big reasons, I thought I should tell a story. 1) I like stories. I like telling stories. Tuff shit. That’s reason 1. 2) Reason 2 is more of a reason I suppose. I sat and reflected back on it all, I tried to find a reason to it all. Not a strong and fast rule… just more of a meandering, wandering theory; that could make sense of my relations with people… with my interests in people. I tried to find a reason to justify myself in apparently becoming interested in people that were totally different from me. And even that’s not right. I was trying to find a reason to why I have relationships with people at all. That’s a bit closer to the truth; but even to closer is to back up a notch again. Why do we have these complicated sorts of relationships with people; why is it we as humans have to have some form of relations with another? And I don't know that either. Valentines Day; although apparently against the beliefs of everyone I know, isn't solely about lusting after another… or better yet, feeling bad because you have no one to lust over. The object of the lust, pure and simple, is the lust for a relationship. Nothing more. We as humans naturally are attracted to each other, but its that special kind of attraction… that special redeeming quality that’s feed back in through your veins, that makes your pulse race, that clouds your mind, and makes your vision blurred. Its that kind of attraction you only get from one other person, who's probably just as afflicted as you are. It's that type of reaction/relation that humans seek. Some intricate knowledge of another, that’s altogether respected, reciprocated, and can't be satisfied by any other person. Its not some plain old person, it's got to be something davar, to borrow the Hebrew word. Something that has gravity, and weight and presence… yet all together sustains great meaning and power in a longevical sense. We desire what is most unattainable… having a relation with another human being for some greater reasons or purpose, when there are none. Our only reasons are to have that relationship… just to prove to ourselves, that life absent of it, is that poor of an alternative. This is what drives man to kill, what drives man to suicide, what inspires man to create and write. It is mans own pursuit that is uniquely his own in this world. It is what makes everything relevant, and everything important.
Got a request to talk about some more on the romance and relationship subject. I don’t see a need to. I honestly don’t have much to say. You all seem to like it when I ramble on about stories and adventures I had when I was young and stupid. So without any particular direction, I shall ramble for you.
Not long ago, I had a late evening get together [since I apparently cant qualify as a date] where she and I talked a lot about life back in high school. I'd known her since junior high at least, but we still like to talk about what it was like then; we liked talking about what was different then from now, needless to say it was a long night. For a while it was easy, we both were dispelling the myths and things the other didn’t know, and it was fun, revealing and fun. But it was hard. It was hard for me not to tell the truth to her. It was difficult for me to sit and dodge what was on my mind. And for me, it was her. Back in high school I guess I had something of a crush on her. And I never told her. It didn’t really pop back into my mind until I was sitting there with her, in that dank 24-hour restaurant, several hours from home. In the smoking section, of all places, we sat, really barring all about what is like, and what it was like. She was surprised that I remembered so much about her, and that I noticed so much in high school. I couldn’t tell her why. I'd let her talk for so long, and while I listened to everything she said, my mind just kept wandering away from me, trying to find a way to bring it all up… to find a way to say, "gee, back then I really was attracted to you," without it sounding really creepy.
I don’t think there really is a way to go about that. Back in high school, we had a lot of classes together, she and I were always around each other. For me then, I didn't know how to handle it. How the fuck do act normal around one of the more beautiful girls you’ve ever met, when you sit next to her in 3 classes? So I did probably what all men have resorted to at one point or another. I made fun of her. God it was stupid of me. I didn’t go full-tilt on her, as I know some of you may be a bit floored at that comment… but I gave her a continual ribbing. She took it well. That’s always surprised me about her. Anyway, it was the only way I could really make it through it all. I joke a lot. I fuck around a lot. But I only do it with those I feel comfortable around. I still find myself doing it. People, females especially, never quite seem to know how to take it. And I guess, me saying, "I only do it because I like you," just doesn’t make it clear to them. But that’s why I do it. I still hate that I do that. I hate that I did it then, and that I still do it. It ruins things fast. Back then, I suppose it could do the job to alleviate the tension; but now, in my older age, I feel a lot of my mistakes hurt me more than they hurt others. I've learned that I've pushed people away by doing things like that, and I hate myself for it.
All of that is swimming through my head as she chatters on about people from school. Baby's, deaths, marriages… all-important stuff to know about. But I kept coming back to it in my head. I still was trying to find a way to cleanse my soul of it… just to come clean about it all, in good faith. That was stupid. Then I start arguing with myself over arguing about it; is it something to even say or bring up, is it not? She started talking about her experiences in the past summer. That woke me up out of it. She was telling me a lot of things that really, really, made me question what she'd turned out to be. I wasn't listening before, but now I was. Now she was someone different than the cute girl in high school. Now I was someone different to her, judging by the material conveyed to me, and now I questioned that too. I questioned myself up and down about whether I was in fact, a different person that whom she'd known. I likely am.
We were two different people really. She was popular. Popular. I wasn't. I had my friends; generally speaking it was a small group of guys, no girls, that I'd known from what I did, and groups I was involved with. She had a huge variety of friends. Everyone knew who she was. Me? Not so much. Her friends were also popular people. Mine were the scourge of the school, much like me. Not quite the resentful band of fools I was friendly with, but not much better off. She was a cheerleader. [A gorgeous one at that.] I was band dork. And not a faithful one at that, coming and going as I pleased, playing my trumpet or drum set occasionally [to the ire of the band director]. She always looked to be having fun, she was always the spirit of the squad, pepping about with a smile and a twirl of her skirt. I sat in the back row, with my long hair and Nirvana t-shirts, if I blended in it was probably on accident. She did a lot of the professional clubs too, Key Club, National Honors Society, shit like that. I turned NHS down; fuck good grades, high school grades didn’t mean shit in the real world; so I became the speaker. I became the eloquent and the fervent orator of the debate team, and I played chess for the school too. She was saving the world and making it better. I argued for the wars, then reenacted them with my army of plastic men. She was at all the parties and knew all the cool kids to be with. I wasn’t invited to my own party, and people rarely associated themselves near me. She got caught up in the rush of it all, was on the student senate, and dance committees, eventually ended up as class president one year. Heh. I wrote scathing editorials in the school paper, and was managing editor of the literary magazine. She be came the apple of the eye, the sparkle in the gem about being a success in high school. I skipped some classes, walked out of aud's and waived a finger to it all. Two different people. And although I may feel like I'm on to something, I have to know that no matter what, we are two different people. One not like the other.
The girl I was sitting with however, was no longer the girl I thought she was. I was surprised by her actions, by her words, her gestures. She wasn’t much of what I remembered her to be; yet she was more than what I had remembered. She had really become two different people to me now. The girl I knew, and the girl that sat in front of me. The girl in front of me wasn't the happy one I used to know. She was still every bit the looker, but she looked differently… it was in her eyes and in her face, something that maybe an artist with a brush and a vision could touch at, but nothing that I could describe to him. It was the emotion in her words, it was the drifting gaze away from me, and it was the essence of the cigarette smoke curling away from her hand. It was maturity, and it was growth. It was dark. The bright spot of memory has turned into something of a blended tone. The air of excellence and perfection was now lessened. She was in fact a real person now, no longer the stereotyped image of my mind, where shed dwelt the past few years. She was now someone else. And I didn’t know if I liked it.
I can only guess at what she thought of me. I know that I am the same person I have always been - time and events have not changed me, people have changed their attitude towards me. But for her, I'm sure I wasn’t exactly who she remembered either. If I couldn’t do it, why would anyone else? If I could sit and piece together these memories of nothing; the memories of making her smile at my answer to the teacher in calculus, or maybe just a fleeting glimpse of her walking past me in the hall way in the early afternoon light. If I couldn’t find the same person in all of those things, sitting in front of me; how could she? She didn’t, I suspect.
So… what in the fuck does that have to do with Valentines Day? I dunno. I'm not that kind of person that can make sense out of everything, something's but not all. But for two big reasons, I thought I should tell a story. 1) I like stories. I like telling stories. Tuff shit. That’s reason 1. 2) Reason 2 is more of a reason I suppose. I sat and reflected back on it all, I tried to find a reason to it all. Not a strong and fast rule… just more of a meandering, wandering theory; that could make sense of my relations with people… with my interests in people. I tried to find a reason to justify myself in apparently becoming interested in people that were totally different from me. And even that’s not right. I was trying to find a reason to why I have relationships with people at all. That’s a bit closer to the truth; but even to closer is to back up a notch again. Why do we have these complicated sorts of relationships with people; why is it we as humans have to have some form of relations with another? And I don't know that either. Valentines Day; although apparently against the beliefs of everyone I know, isn't solely about lusting after another… or better yet, feeling bad because you have no one to lust over. The object of the lust, pure and simple, is the lust for a relationship. Nothing more. We as humans naturally are attracted to each other, but its that special kind of attraction… that special redeeming quality that’s feed back in through your veins, that makes your pulse race, that clouds your mind, and makes your vision blurred. Its that kind of attraction you only get from one other person, who's probably just as afflicted as you are. It's that type of reaction/relation that humans seek. Some intricate knowledge of another, that’s altogether respected, reciprocated, and can't be satisfied by any other person. Its not some plain old person, it's got to be something davar, to borrow the Hebrew word. Something that has gravity, and weight and presence… yet all together sustains great meaning and power in a longevical sense. We desire what is most unattainable… having a relation with another human being for some greater reasons or purpose, when there are none. Our only reasons are to have that relationship… just to prove to ourselves, that life absent of it, is that poor of an alternative. This is what drives man to kill, what drives man to suicide, what inspires man to create and write. It is mans own pursuit that is uniquely his own in this world. It is what makes everything relevant, and everything important.
Sunday, February 16, 2003
--------------------------------------------------------------------
vday post is still comming... but...
but i have to say... 2 words...
Minne Mouse
so to bloodshot eyes, gawking on-lookers, mirrored glass windows, calling the cops, bathtubs, story time, MINNE fucking MOUSE, finding the warm spots, similar highschool stories, ball control, cable bills, underwear gifts, being retarded... POOPING BABY SONGS, too many stories about peeing for one night, getting lost looking for bathrooms, ruining eggs and hashbrowns on morning after breakfasts, sledding, puha, rack and tool... and another 8 hours.
s.
vday post is still comming... but...
but i have to say... 2 words...
Minne Mouse
so to bloodshot eyes, gawking on-lookers, mirrored glass windows, calling the cops, bathtubs, story time, MINNE fucking MOUSE, finding the warm spots, similar highschool stories, ball control, cable bills, underwear gifts, being retarded... POOPING BABY SONGS, too many stories about peeing for one night, getting lost looking for bathrooms, ruining eggs and hashbrowns on morning after breakfasts, sledding, puha, rack and tool... and another 8 hours.
s.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [live from Moline IL, 2002]
ahhh yes, the joys of internet piracy... well... the joys of piracy, aided by the internet i suppose. i managed to hookup with some message board friends on my boards [ major plug for... ROUNDONE.NET and MYGNRFORUM.COM ] and they were able to find me a copy of the show i attended this past fall. NOTHING is more killer than that. the first time i spun it; i got the same chills that i did from when i was standing there.. absouletly amazing. sure the quality of taping isnt great, and yeah its not even a video... but its just right.
expect a longer post on Valentines Day. i really dislike this day of the year.. but im now forced to be a part of it all... exams and preoccupations bind me to again witness the senselessness of solitude on a day so intent on love and adoration of another. the elusive 'another' which, will never be mine; and a day devoted to it. charming.
not much to say.. really ive wanted to get back to posting to this in an orderly manner again; but for time constraints i havent had any way to do so. lots going on, but really none of it is of much importance. atleast thats what i tell myself. surely, everything i do and say is important. in the grandscheme of the universe, i say things that move other people, that set actions in motion, that leave a plan that someone will one day follow. in the meantime, i feel like im walking in place, and talking to myself. its slow going. its a tough sell to make; getting excited about the future; which i wont ever see. its even more difficult to deal with the people of the present. never in my life have i seen a more lack-luster, and apathetic attitude towards anything. since my job revolves around the residence halls; i notice the RA's the most. its terrible. im doing things everyday, they never will know about; to make their job better, easier and more important--- and they cant manage to bring 1 kid to a meeting, once per month. pathetic. a meeting i sat through tonight had 8 residents present, with 12 RA's... of the 8 residents, 5 came from one floor and were only allowed one person to vote for the floor... in a meeting that represents the entire building and resdent community... 5 people had the authority to vote legitimately. pa-fucking-thetic. the RA's whine about being busy, and residents being too busy for it. its utter bullshit.. i walked 3 halls before and after that meeting and found atleast 5 per floor sitting in their rooms, doors open, watching tv. nothing to do; nowhere to go. not busy. to me its just a fundamental question of zero role modeling and intervention in the halls. but its not just here.. .unfortunately; as lousy as an RA crop that we have at iowa, the problem is pervasive into the rest of society at large here. and its spreading. its a cancer on the flanks of every human being in society...
everyone is complacent with the world they wrap themselves into; each feeding the monster within; more precious trinkets of self and of further lunacy. each day the hunger pains grow stronger, and we must fight them back; with equal strength, to force the ultimate in resolution... nothingness. non-action. no-decision. no consideration. as long as it doesnt steal that comfortable baby-blanket of dreams and sickly shit that we warm ourselves with each night. swaddle the spirit of the child, smothered in the body of the adult; with the paitence of neither. let us call these people: friends. yes, friends the very backbone, the essence of the existence of our innoculated state. with friends, we need no rationality; no ego; and no decisions... they make them for us. and we follow; biscut to mouth-- following the hand that feeds it... rather the hand that pumps at, and vigerously strokes at its length of flesh; massaging the ego that is inflated by its own presence. take our cues from the only place that could be more irresponsible than we could manage: from those around us, less responsible than ourselves. and oh, how sad it is, that i must refer to them as such... but really what else are they? we; as self-indulged humans, desire only to further wrap into our sense of self, as skewed as we can make it; and these friends can provide oh so many more layers that we are too lazy to add ourselves. we can trust wholly in them, to provide the reasons we wont; we can trust in them to make judgements on our behalf, and we cant trust in them to chase away all that may bring dissarray to our bassinet of self-delight... so then in our apathy, and indulgence in our self-indulgences; we let our 'friends' become our guardians. we can let our 'friends' ward off the evils of another person, that may dare encroach on our self-righteous filth. bring suffering and misery upon those with the truth of our plights; so that we may continue on with our ego-building masturbation of self-desire. let all those nay-sayers meet untimely death and ridicule for their stances; and let our 'friends' decide who they may be. oh to friendship! oh to apathy! oh to those too blind from the truth, to trust the judgement of 'friends'.
ahhh yes, the joys of internet piracy... well... the joys of piracy, aided by the internet i suppose. i managed to hookup with some message board friends on my boards [ major plug for... ROUNDONE.NET and MYGNRFORUM.COM ] and they were able to find me a copy of the show i attended this past fall. NOTHING is more killer than that. the first time i spun it; i got the same chills that i did from when i was standing there.. absouletly amazing. sure the quality of taping isnt great, and yeah its not even a video... but its just right.
expect a longer post on Valentines Day. i really dislike this day of the year.. but im now forced to be a part of it all... exams and preoccupations bind me to again witness the senselessness of solitude on a day so intent on love and adoration of another. the elusive 'another' which, will never be mine; and a day devoted to it. charming.
not much to say.. really ive wanted to get back to posting to this in an orderly manner again; but for time constraints i havent had any way to do so. lots going on, but really none of it is of much importance. atleast thats what i tell myself. surely, everything i do and say is important. in the grandscheme of the universe, i say things that move other people, that set actions in motion, that leave a plan that someone will one day follow. in the meantime, i feel like im walking in place, and talking to myself. its slow going. its a tough sell to make; getting excited about the future; which i wont ever see. its even more difficult to deal with the people of the present. never in my life have i seen a more lack-luster, and apathetic attitude towards anything. since my job revolves around the residence halls; i notice the RA's the most. its terrible. im doing things everyday, they never will know about; to make their job better, easier and more important--- and they cant manage to bring 1 kid to a meeting, once per month. pathetic. a meeting i sat through tonight had 8 residents present, with 12 RA's... of the 8 residents, 5 came from one floor and were only allowed one person to vote for the floor... in a meeting that represents the entire building and resdent community... 5 people had the authority to vote legitimately. pa-fucking-thetic. the RA's whine about being busy, and residents being too busy for it. its utter bullshit.. i walked 3 halls before and after that meeting and found atleast 5 per floor sitting in their rooms, doors open, watching tv. nothing to do; nowhere to go. not busy. to me its just a fundamental question of zero role modeling and intervention in the halls. but its not just here.. .unfortunately; as lousy as an RA crop that we have at iowa, the problem is pervasive into the rest of society at large here. and its spreading. its a cancer on the flanks of every human being in society...
everyone is complacent with the world they wrap themselves into; each feeding the monster within; more precious trinkets of self and of further lunacy. each day the hunger pains grow stronger, and we must fight them back; with equal strength, to force the ultimate in resolution... nothingness. non-action. no-decision. no consideration. as long as it doesnt steal that comfortable baby-blanket of dreams and sickly shit that we warm ourselves with each night. swaddle the spirit of the child, smothered in the body of the adult; with the paitence of neither. let us call these people: friends. yes, friends the very backbone, the essence of the existence of our innoculated state. with friends, we need no rationality; no ego; and no decisions... they make them for us. and we follow; biscut to mouth-- following the hand that feeds it... rather the hand that pumps at, and vigerously strokes at its length of flesh; massaging the ego that is inflated by its own presence. take our cues from the only place that could be more irresponsible than we could manage: from those around us, less responsible than ourselves. and oh, how sad it is, that i must refer to them as such... but really what else are they? we; as self-indulged humans, desire only to further wrap into our sense of self, as skewed as we can make it; and these friends can provide oh so many more layers that we are too lazy to add ourselves. we can trust wholly in them, to provide the reasons we wont; we can trust in them to make judgements on our behalf, and we cant trust in them to chase away all that may bring dissarray to our bassinet of self-delight... so then in our apathy, and indulgence in our self-indulgences; we let our 'friends' become our guardians. we can let our 'friends' ward off the evils of another person, that may dare encroach on our self-righteous filth. bring suffering and misery upon those with the truth of our plights; so that we may continue on with our ego-building masturbation of self-desire. let all those nay-sayers meet untimely death and ridicule for their stances; and let our 'friends' decide who they may be. oh to friendship! oh to apathy! oh to those too blind from the truth, to trust the judgement of 'friends'.
Friday, February 07, 2003
Bob Dylan - Dont Think Twice
" well it ain't no use, to sit and wonder why babe if you dont understand by now || and it ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe, it'll never do some how || when your rooster crows at the break of dawn; look out your window and ill be gone || youre the reason im a travelin' on; but dont think twice, its allright "
its allways a difficult life for me. people like to add complications to everything i do; question everything i say, and demand to know what i think... then ultimately hate my ideas, act against my wishes, and want to argue with or censor anything else i have to say. its a wonderful feeling being wanted; but not liked. especially by all of the masses at once. its so rewarding, that at the end of each day, i can return home to the insults, jests and spite from others. god i love it. each day, i get even more reason to piss people off, and even more free reign to do it... you all open the gates, and in your actions; you justify my own. but. i dont dwell on this. i leave that for you all. i do my work each day, and i move on to the next. i admit to my faults, and my mistakes; and move past them. so stop watching for me out there; out in the realm of evil and vile perpetuate, ill be moving on as well as i can.
" ain't no use in a turnin' on your light babe, the light i never knowed || and it ain't no use in turnin' on your light babe, cuz im on the dark side of the road || but i wish there was something you could do or say; to try and make me change my mind and stay || but we never did much talkin' anyway... dont think twice, its allright "
some people appearantly think that, that alone is enough for me to change everything i do. not so. it motivates me to keep going. some day ill stop. some day, you all will wear me down so far, that i become nothing less than a nub of the honed point that i once was. and then, in my days of soft and unfocused actions; youll get your wish from me. smile then, all of you, on that day when i finally die, you will be free of me once more. until then, im sure your thoughts are not likely to linger far from that great hope, that lies just over the horizon.
" oh there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; like you never done before || an there ain't no use in callin' out my name gal; i cant hear ya anymore || im a thinkin and a wondering; wondering down the road || i once loved the woman; a child i am told || id give her my heart, but she wanted my soul... dont think twice, its allright "
so you may be asking yourself, why is he all pissed off? to be quite honest i really dont know. its just a feeling i have right now. the feeling of utter contempt from those around me, abandonment, disillusionment, and disatisfaction... all rolled up in one big bite. then its back for seconds. i dont really know why. just not too happy with life and everything at the moment. so far this semester, ive enjoyed two days where i was away from home less than 12 straight hours. it grates away at my nerves. like bad road rash, i keep picking at it, and scratching away my existence, thinking it will bring relief, and it does not. not that im surprised. just that its not the way id have hoped it would be. so many things are just upside down from what i would have guessed them to be. sorry if none of this is coherent. its not really meant to be. there is alot running around in my mind now. its tough enough for me to make any sense of it, i can hardly imagine anyone else being able to do it.
" so long honey-babe; where im bound, i cant tell || goodbye is too good a word babe, so i just say fair thee well || i aint a sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better, but i dont mind || instead you just wasted my precious time, but dont think twice, because its allright "
there was a night, not long ago, where i just could not sleep. i knew, that at 4am, i just wasnt going to fall asleep... even if, it would matter, id have to be up in less than 2 hours. so i just layed there. and i thought. i thought alot about what its like to be alone, to be hopeless, and to be defeated; i thought about why none of that applied to me. and then i thought about why alot of that did apply to me. i thought, to myself, why was it i can never gain much security in the things i want most from life? i couldnt think of an answer. i couldnt think of why people avoid me. i couldnt find any reason or fault for why id be singled out and left behind. i couldnt find the reasons that friends would use language of a cruel and spitefilled nature towards me. i couldnt find a reason why all throughout my past, ive been rejected just for offering myself; no gimicks, no prizes, only me. i tried to think like i was you'all. i tried to sit, and find some sense to what you all do... to why you say things the way you do... to why you change your attitudes towards me... but i couldnt do it. i couldnt grasp the very essence of the question--- i couldnt get past the Why stage. i tried to think up all the reasons that some of you use to create different faces for me. at one moment your even, respectable and genuine. at others you are nothing of even a shadow of whom i know. and sometimes that takes minutes, and sometimes that takes months. i still cant get over the Whys. i lied, starring out the window, frosted over, looking into the darkness of the building across the street, through the leafless tree in the yard. i saw the tree stripped of everything colorfull. i saw the branches bare and gnarled, and the ground baren underneath it. i saw myself standing outside; gone were my colorful expressions and goodnature. baren were the branches of my friendship and companionship. stipped naked in the cold, dark land, i stood, only able to shake my hands at the faces, like mine, that must be staring out at me. no more sounds. no more protesting. all of it dropped now. like the leaves on the ground; my resistence too had fallen away to the slings and jests of those around me. those precious pieces of my, were nothing but crumpled aspirations, tarnished from the elements, ground under your feet... all of which in my plain sight; all of which i watched happen. i looked away from the window. i looked out past it. out to the cold pavement, the coolness and smooth texture, illuminated under the street lamp from the corner. i traced its path, from left to right; from past to present; and i saw on it, the path of my life. alone and cold, there was one man on the corner, he was moving away from the light-- but his back was not to me. no, he faced the windows into the world around; and stood broad stanced towards the faces that must look out to mock him. but he moved farther from the light. i watched him walk. his pace slow and uneven. large steps and short steps, heavy ones and light; but he moved on. far from my sight, and far away from those that must surely see him out there, all alone. by himself. moving to his future. it was as empty as the streets he walked at night; and thats how i felt when i thought that night. thats how it all seemed to be. thats how its all come to be. that is how you all leave me be.
Friday, January 31, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Mountain of Blues
its been a while. its been a long while. by the calendar, its been only about a week, but in my mind and my life its been about a month. life moves fast now. now that everything is in hurry up mode. going to class isnt enough, gotta study too. office hours arent enough, gotta live at the office. makes for very long days. in fact the past week has shown me 4 consecutive 12-hour plus days... today being in the neighborhood of 15 hours. its not right. its not fair. but its how it is. i found myself dreading it, eventhough i knew the time was comming for all of this, but i still couldnt do anything about it. so here i am. tried, frazzled, frustrated. and looking at less than 6 hours sleep, before im on again for another 15. i really wish i could be one of those people that dont do anything. i wish i could be lazy and worthless, and not make it out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. for me now, i dont see the sun. im up and gone before its totally light outside, and home long, long after dark. it really mashes the days together that way... when you never see the daylight. when you cant really tell that today is different than yesterday, other than you think it is... according to the calendar atleast.
tonight is not really a good time for me to be writing in this .. i really do need to finish up on homework and get some sleep. but lately ive wanted to talk about somethings, that i just really cant. i wanted to talk about changes. i wanted to talk about the changes in people that ive noticed of late. ive wanted to, for quite some time, just speak a peace about their lack of peace. but i dont really have the words to day any of it. i guess im confused by it all, and a little taken back. one person, for example, whom a year ago, would have done anything but 'go out' is now at a bar, drinking the night away it seems. i knew it would claim another person, thats not the point. just that it was them. i dont understand why. i dont understand the changes that must be present in them to make that kind of flip in attitude and action. its depressing. and i cant help but feel guilty about it in some minor way. i can remember a conversation with another person about how, to me, they would seem to be the type of person that would relish in bar-ho activity, out of the interest in the attraction of others. they were pretty angry that i said that. but now. now they are one. now they are no different than the rest, only spared the anger im sure.. it was sent my way some time ago.
it must be hell to do that to yourself. to collapse upon all morals and descency and selfinterest; to sell it all out for attention from others, in destructive ways. people want to be known for whom they are. now they are known by a reputation, or an outfit they wear. people want to be loved and respected as individuals, and now theyve allowed themself to become one with the mass of destitute souls, interested, appearntly, in only the kind of love that doesnt need names, and lasts only one night. changes are all around us everyday, and its not that we are complacent to them. i question them. i dislike them. i wonder about them. but all of that really means nothing. just like the ideas we may once have held... the ones that we were willing to wash away with the lipstick on ourface from the night before... or flush down the proverbial shitter, as they flush away the contraceptives in the litteral shitter. they let it all mean nothing, when it means so much. they are content to settle for the immature desires of the flesh, and cry themselves to sleep in the nights of their agony, when they realize the futility of the dreams they really seek. its much easier that way. its much easier to look like all the other girls i guess. its much easier to sleep around like they do. its much easier to draw the attention from equally scandalous males, like all the other girls. its much easier to cry about your sense of identity and self that way. its much easier when you create the reasons for your misery. its much easier to make that change, than to live the alternative i suppose.
what was once nutured is now abandoned. i reallize my mistakes, and now you all can let me regret them as well. what do i mean? i mean i saw the people that were around me. i surrounded myself with them, because of who they were. and now, thats all they are... nothing more than who they were, standing, walking, talking, shadows that live in my mind. people who had genuine uniqeness and character unto themselves, now are devoid that. they chose it their way, they chose it the same way everyone else did. and it saddens me very much to watch it happen. one act here, one night there... now its twice per weekend... now its weekends and schoolnights... first its attitude, and then it was belief structure... and now? now the motivation is acceptance. acceptance into the one culture where someone as unique as them can be devoured into a group that values only similarity. a group that allows them to waste away into acceptance, and wash away the sins of individuality and maturity. let them brandish the scars of fleshy desires and tripe behavior in a secluded world of recluses... all gathered in one place... all gathered for each other's support. without that their identity's would shatter; if they couldnt support each other. if they couldnt gratify each other in an explicit nature. changes.
its been a while. its been a long while. by the calendar, its been only about a week, but in my mind and my life its been about a month. life moves fast now. now that everything is in hurry up mode. going to class isnt enough, gotta study too. office hours arent enough, gotta live at the office. makes for very long days. in fact the past week has shown me 4 consecutive 12-hour plus days... today being in the neighborhood of 15 hours. its not right. its not fair. but its how it is. i found myself dreading it, eventhough i knew the time was comming for all of this, but i still couldnt do anything about it. so here i am. tried, frazzled, frustrated. and looking at less than 6 hours sleep, before im on again for another 15. i really wish i could be one of those people that dont do anything. i wish i could be lazy and worthless, and not make it out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. for me now, i dont see the sun. im up and gone before its totally light outside, and home long, long after dark. it really mashes the days together that way... when you never see the daylight. when you cant really tell that today is different than yesterday, other than you think it is... according to the calendar atleast.
tonight is not really a good time for me to be writing in this .. i really do need to finish up on homework and get some sleep. but lately ive wanted to talk about somethings, that i just really cant. i wanted to talk about changes. i wanted to talk about the changes in people that ive noticed of late. ive wanted to, for quite some time, just speak a peace about their lack of peace. but i dont really have the words to day any of it. i guess im confused by it all, and a little taken back. one person, for example, whom a year ago, would have done anything but 'go out' is now at a bar, drinking the night away it seems. i knew it would claim another person, thats not the point. just that it was them. i dont understand why. i dont understand the changes that must be present in them to make that kind of flip in attitude and action. its depressing. and i cant help but feel guilty about it in some minor way. i can remember a conversation with another person about how, to me, they would seem to be the type of person that would relish in bar-ho activity, out of the interest in the attraction of others. they were pretty angry that i said that. but now. now they are one. now they are no different than the rest, only spared the anger im sure.. it was sent my way some time ago.
it must be hell to do that to yourself. to collapse upon all morals and descency and selfinterest; to sell it all out for attention from others, in destructive ways. people want to be known for whom they are. now they are known by a reputation, or an outfit they wear. people want to be loved and respected as individuals, and now theyve allowed themself to become one with the mass of destitute souls, interested, appearntly, in only the kind of love that doesnt need names, and lasts only one night. changes are all around us everyday, and its not that we are complacent to them. i question them. i dislike them. i wonder about them. but all of that really means nothing. just like the ideas we may once have held... the ones that we were willing to wash away with the lipstick on ourface from the night before... or flush down the proverbial shitter, as they flush away the contraceptives in the litteral shitter. they let it all mean nothing, when it means so much. they are content to settle for the immature desires of the flesh, and cry themselves to sleep in the nights of their agony, when they realize the futility of the dreams they really seek. its much easier that way. its much easier to look like all the other girls i guess. its much easier to sleep around like they do. its much easier to draw the attention from equally scandalous males, like all the other girls. its much easier to cry about your sense of identity and self that way. its much easier when you create the reasons for your misery. its much easier to make that change, than to live the alternative i suppose.
what was once nutured is now abandoned. i reallize my mistakes, and now you all can let me regret them as well. what do i mean? i mean i saw the people that were around me. i surrounded myself with them, because of who they were. and now, thats all they are... nothing more than who they were, standing, walking, talking, shadows that live in my mind. people who had genuine uniqeness and character unto themselves, now are devoid that. they chose it their way, they chose it the same way everyone else did. and it saddens me very much to watch it happen. one act here, one night there... now its twice per weekend... now its weekends and schoolnights... first its attitude, and then it was belief structure... and now? now the motivation is acceptance. acceptance into the one culture where someone as unique as them can be devoured into a group that values only similarity. a group that allows them to waste away into acceptance, and wash away the sins of individuality and maturity. let them brandish the scars of fleshy desires and tripe behavior in a secluded world of recluses... all gathered in one place... all gathered for each other's support. without that their identity's would shatter; if they couldnt support each other. if they couldnt gratify each other in an explicit nature. changes.
Friday, January 24, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)
STUPID SCHOOL
first week of classes... cant you just feel the excitement? not i. i havent even bought books for most of them yet. only for one class where we've had to be doing work in it so far. ill get to it at some point im sure. for now i just cant get too motivated about it. which is kinda ironic in a sense, because i have yet to skip a class... yes, its only the first week; but i like to start my habits early... never give the TA a chance to learn my name, so they never notice when im gone or not-- thats my method. it will happen soon enough tho. these classes are pains in the ass, lots of requirements to fill, and lots of busybullshit work to do for it. not looking forward to it. maybe one positive or two in them, Holstein is really cool. id allways heard alot about him from other students, but man.. he is very engaging. he lectures much the same that i probably would, and hits on issues and subjects that arent necessarily directly at hand. he spent 35 minutes, talking on the layered irony of the story of the serpent tempting Even in the Garden of Eden. he has an interesting read on things. very different than say... Steinberg. the vietnam class i was hoping to take as my fun class allready has me getting pissed off.... its not about the amount of work, its about the lecturing he does. several things had me hitting the desk and taking notes--- not for remember, but to look up counter examples of why his take isnt necessarily correct. frustrating. every semester i seem to find one teacher that does that. first it was Keith Driver in rhetoric, then it was Sarah Hanley in history, then it was Celestna Albonetti in stats, then Louis Gonzalez with environmental shit. this time its Allen Steinberg, with world and vietnam history. im dreading writing the papers for it now. ill never get the chance to write about what i think happened, ill be too busy spending my space refuting everything he throws out of his mouth. more frustation. thats really what i need more of in my life.
'POENAS DARE'
people arent much better. they like to toss complication on the fire, as if it needed more fuel to burn. i just try not to let it all get to me. its not that i dont see it, or dont care, its just i have to keep myself from caring about it all. im quite sure by now, that everything is intentional... everyone infact, does everything they ever do because they want to, and because thats what they want to happen. i dont buy the subconcious driven argument for most of this stuff. it just wouldnt come into play in most of these circumstances; instead, its a conceited and focused effort to do what they do. and i hope i never degenerate to what they do. when maybe my pure joy in life, or sole method of confronting life, was to ignore it. when my way of coping with people around me, is to hate them. i hope i never decided to totally shut off the world around me; that is actively seeking my attention and companionship. the man on the street corner i can, and will ignore, but the man next to me, who is trying to extend the frienship of one to another, i hope i never will turn away from; much as these people do. instead, its the simplest and most carring and compasionate of responses to accept his offer, and return the gesture [if need be]. but it is not as i would do. people are not as i would think. oddly, im the one labeled harshly for efforts of unnoticed activity. those efforts, never seen for what they are, ironically, are returned with overt actions of chiding nature, of snobbishness, of childish tantrums, and simple ignorance of the fact. it is the way in which i live my life, that i notice more so, the way others live their own lives. by no stretch of the imagination am i reincarnation of saint-hood or of moral correctness. i do though, exhibit the things in life of which i most believe in. but, it is i that suffers for each act that i do. each deed that i enter into, and each word that i speak; i am repaid with the debts of others moral fortitude. i seek the best in people, and am offered the worst for what i do in return. offer a gift: receive no thanks. remind someone of your honesty: they will lie to you. seek out those to enjoy special days with you: they will abandon yours and encourage you to partake in another's. the price of love is hatred and despise. speech is met with silence, homage and respect are met with despair and relent. and so i let it go. let them continue on their way, and let them do it without me.
AWARENESS
the past few days brought some especially interesting events. i guess its about being aware, and maybe i really havent been so much. a friend of mine from my freshman year here just had his father pass away. i had no idea. he and i were even in a class together this past semester, and he never mentioned anything about it. he didnt let on to anything else either... its sad. i know him, and his sister, and really he was one of the first people i met on my floor; he sits next to me in class, we make idle chat; but i never had any idea about what happened to him and his life. i never had any idea. and if i hadnt stopped to talk to him on my way through to eat dinner one night, i guess i might not have ever found out. its all really odd, how well you know people, but you dont. its about being aware of things that arent there, to beable to know whats going on. to see fully what the picture is showing, without being there to see it.
s.
STUPID SCHOOL
first week of classes... cant you just feel the excitement? not i. i havent even bought books for most of them yet. only for one class where we've had to be doing work in it so far. ill get to it at some point im sure. for now i just cant get too motivated about it. which is kinda ironic in a sense, because i have yet to skip a class... yes, its only the first week; but i like to start my habits early... never give the TA a chance to learn my name, so they never notice when im gone or not-- thats my method. it will happen soon enough tho. these classes are pains in the ass, lots of requirements to fill, and lots of busybullshit work to do for it. not looking forward to it. maybe one positive or two in them, Holstein is really cool. id allways heard alot about him from other students, but man.. he is very engaging. he lectures much the same that i probably would, and hits on issues and subjects that arent necessarily directly at hand. he spent 35 minutes, talking on the layered irony of the story of the serpent tempting Even in the Garden of Eden. he has an interesting read on things. very different than say... Steinberg. the vietnam class i was hoping to take as my fun class allready has me getting pissed off.... its not about the amount of work, its about the lecturing he does. several things had me hitting the desk and taking notes--- not for remember, but to look up counter examples of why his take isnt necessarily correct. frustrating. every semester i seem to find one teacher that does that. first it was Keith Driver in rhetoric, then it was Sarah Hanley in history, then it was Celestna Albonetti in stats, then Louis Gonzalez with environmental shit. this time its Allen Steinberg, with world and vietnam history. im dreading writing the papers for it now. ill never get the chance to write about what i think happened, ill be too busy spending my space refuting everything he throws out of his mouth. more frustation. thats really what i need more of in my life.
'POENAS DARE'
people arent much better. they like to toss complication on the fire, as if it needed more fuel to burn. i just try not to let it all get to me. its not that i dont see it, or dont care, its just i have to keep myself from caring about it all. im quite sure by now, that everything is intentional... everyone infact, does everything they ever do because they want to, and because thats what they want to happen. i dont buy the subconcious driven argument for most of this stuff. it just wouldnt come into play in most of these circumstances; instead, its a conceited and focused effort to do what they do. and i hope i never degenerate to what they do. when maybe my pure joy in life, or sole method of confronting life, was to ignore it. when my way of coping with people around me, is to hate them. i hope i never decided to totally shut off the world around me; that is actively seeking my attention and companionship. the man on the street corner i can, and will ignore, but the man next to me, who is trying to extend the frienship of one to another, i hope i never will turn away from; much as these people do. instead, its the simplest and most carring and compasionate of responses to accept his offer, and return the gesture [if need be]. but it is not as i would do. people are not as i would think. oddly, im the one labeled harshly for efforts of unnoticed activity. those efforts, never seen for what they are, ironically, are returned with overt actions of chiding nature, of snobbishness, of childish tantrums, and simple ignorance of the fact. it is the way in which i live my life, that i notice more so, the way others live their own lives. by no stretch of the imagination am i reincarnation of saint-hood or of moral correctness. i do though, exhibit the things in life of which i most believe in. but, it is i that suffers for each act that i do. each deed that i enter into, and each word that i speak; i am repaid with the debts of others moral fortitude. i seek the best in people, and am offered the worst for what i do in return. offer a gift: receive no thanks. remind someone of your honesty: they will lie to you. seek out those to enjoy special days with you: they will abandon yours and encourage you to partake in another's. the price of love is hatred and despise. speech is met with silence, homage and respect are met with despair and relent. and so i let it go. let them continue on their way, and let them do it without me.
AWARENESS
the past few days brought some especially interesting events. i guess its about being aware, and maybe i really havent been so much. a friend of mine from my freshman year here just had his father pass away. i had no idea. he and i were even in a class together this past semester, and he never mentioned anything about it. he didnt let on to anything else either... its sad. i know him, and his sister, and really he was one of the first people i met on my floor; he sits next to me in class, we make idle chat; but i never had any idea about what happened to him and his life. i never had any idea. and if i hadnt stopped to talk to him on my way through to eat dinner one night, i guess i might not have ever found out. its all really odd, how well you know people, but you dont. its about being aware of things that arent there, to beable to know whats going on. to see fully what the picture is showing, without being there to see it.
s.
Monday, January 20, 2003
Current Musical Selection: 'Mississippi' John Hurt - Spike Driver Blues
well another semester is about to begin... i cant say im excited in the least. more work. more headaches. more professors. classes start for me at 8am tomorrow morning... and here it is at 11:15, and im not even tired.. sleeping will be difficult tonight. so many things to think about and so many things i shouldnt think about. shit from last semester is still carrying over [of course] and future things havent even hit the radar yet. its going to be a long semester.
s.
well another semester is about to begin... i cant say im excited in the least. more work. more headaches. more professors. classes start for me at 8am tomorrow morning... and here it is at 11:15, and im not even tired.. sleeping will be difficult tonight. so many things to think about and so many things i shouldnt think about. shit from last semester is still carrying over [of course] and future things havent even hit the radar yet. its going to be a long semester.
s.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
so it happened. tonight was really the meltdown ive been expecting to hear for quite a long time. it was over grades, school, and the future. it wasnt good. they arent wrong. but i didnt get much time to talk about it, once everything was put out in the open. i had to show them my cumulative GPA, my course grades from all my classes, plus tell them everything about my stats/law class situations. again, it wasnt good. its been along time since ive taken school seriously; ive been able to breeze by in everything with such minimal work, that its not funny. this past semester was different in my mind; i think i had the most grueling schedule of work due in one weeks time, that ive ever had; which i did, and didnt miss one class doing it. but that doesnt show them anything. to them, that meant i was a procrastinator; a liar; and that i wasnt competent enough to take care of projects as they came up... not that i lived through it, and succeeded. instead, they yelled alot. i yelled alot. it went back and forth for a while about stuff like next year, this year, last year, future years. i was threatened with being yanked, right now, between semesters. i was also told i will be getting no assitance and no aid next year, whatsoever from them. and that was the best i could have hopped to hear. they mentioned the T word several times [transfer] as well as me pursuing a new major. neither of which are particularly feasable at this point in time; but that didnt matter. to the point that they will be requesting transcript copies if i wont. all over a few bad grades.
my performance hasnt been steller. but im not a flunkout either. my gpa isnt golden, and its below what id like... no amount of tears, yelling, or even hard-work will bring it back up to where id like it at this point. i never realized how difficult it was to recover from B's, with a couple F's thrown in... damn near impossible. the equal number of A's i had didnt help, and the C's of the past year or so have pulled it down farther. im still passing. i still have credit for everything. im not on probation or anything. but its not good enough. im by no means a faliure or a terrible student, but... thats tough to argue against the way it all went down. so now im here. im pretty broken in spirt, mad at myself, mad at my proffessors. and its not going to help anything. my grades will likely keep me out of the consideration of any tier1 law program, and likely now to push me out of any tier2 program, barring a killer LSAT score. so im not sure whats next. if i make it through all of this. i knew what i wanted to do with my life; but everyone says its not possible now. besides, my department chair of sociology laughed at the proffession i wanted... even when i held back my anger as long as possible, and asked her how a proffesion like that is something to mock, or something less than what hers is, sitting around in sheltered walls of academia... she sneered at me. i dont really have alot to think about now. the past wasnt so great. the present is pretty bad, and honestly: the future isnt looking good.
First Citizen:
Come, come, we fear the worst; all shall be well.
Third Citizen:
When clouds appear, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, the winter is at hand;
When the sun sets, who doth not look for night?
Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.
All may be well; but, if God sort it so,
'Tis more than we deserve, or I expect.
Second Citizen:
Truly, the souls of men are full of dread:
Ye cannot reason almost with a man
That looks not heavily and full of fear.
From Act II of Richard III
my performance hasnt been steller. but im not a flunkout either. my gpa isnt golden, and its below what id like... no amount of tears, yelling, or even hard-work will bring it back up to where id like it at this point. i never realized how difficult it was to recover from B's, with a couple F's thrown in... damn near impossible. the equal number of A's i had didnt help, and the C's of the past year or so have pulled it down farther. im still passing. i still have credit for everything. im not on probation or anything. but its not good enough. im by no means a faliure or a terrible student, but... thats tough to argue against the way it all went down. so now im here. im pretty broken in spirt, mad at myself, mad at my proffessors. and its not going to help anything. my grades will likely keep me out of the consideration of any tier1 law program, and likely now to push me out of any tier2 program, barring a killer LSAT score. so im not sure whats next. if i make it through all of this. i knew what i wanted to do with my life; but everyone says its not possible now. besides, my department chair of sociology laughed at the proffession i wanted... even when i held back my anger as long as possible, and asked her how a proffesion like that is something to mock, or something less than what hers is, sitting around in sheltered walls of academia... she sneered at me. i dont really have alot to think about now. the past wasnt so great. the present is pretty bad, and honestly: the future isnt looking good.
First Citizen:
Come, come, we fear the worst; all shall be well.
Third Citizen:
When clouds appear, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, the winter is at hand;
When the sun sets, who doth not look for night?
Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.
All may be well; but, if God sort it so,
'Tis more than we deserve, or I expect.
Second Citizen:
Truly, the souls of men are full of dread:
Ye cannot reason almost with a man
That looks not heavily and full of fear.
From Act II of Richard III
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Fueled
kick start and turn it over || punch drunk, but im still sober || 14 years, a whole lot bolder || and I don’t flinch || hungry and ill take the best || cuz I never wanted anything less || what doesn’t kill makes me stronger || its like a war inside me, action is all I know || tell me its suicide? Tell me something I don’t already know!
A lot going one right now. Not a lot I guess I want to talk about. Kinda strange huh? I tend to put down a lot of that kind of thing here, but I just don’t feel right in it. Just a lot of questioning and second-guessing going on with me. I'm questioning a lot of what the hell I'm doing in life anymore, and its not easy. It's not easy when you have to sit and argue with yourself, alone at night, that you are doing the right thing with your life. It gets stale telling yourself that some shitt-yass silver lining is in all this for you. It gets hard motivating yourself to get up and keep walking into day after day of complete fucking bullcrap. Tonight I don’t know if I won the argument. I think I only persevered because I was too tired to fight it… too tired to fight myself on it. Too many things wrong with it all, not enough going right. Someday I'm just going to give up on what I want, days like today speed that process along. Its not every day I feel this pathetic, just today. Just today that I feel shortchanged, trampled and cast-aside, all prematurely. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what the answers are, and I don’t even know what the problem is… it just isn't working out like I want it to…
s.
kick start and turn it over || punch drunk, but im still sober || 14 years, a whole lot bolder || and I don’t flinch || hungry and ill take the best || cuz I never wanted anything less || what doesn’t kill makes me stronger || its like a war inside me, action is all I know || tell me its suicide? Tell me something I don’t already know!
A lot going one right now. Not a lot I guess I want to talk about. Kinda strange huh? I tend to put down a lot of that kind of thing here, but I just don’t feel right in it. Just a lot of questioning and second-guessing going on with me. I'm questioning a lot of what the hell I'm doing in life anymore, and its not easy. It's not easy when you have to sit and argue with yourself, alone at night, that you are doing the right thing with your life. It gets stale telling yourself that some shitt-yass silver lining is in all this for you. It gets hard motivating yourself to get up and keep walking into day after day of complete fucking bullcrap. Tonight I don’t know if I won the argument. I think I only persevered because I was too tired to fight it… too tired to fight myself on it. Too many things wrong with it all, not enough going right. Someday I'm just going to give up on what I want, days like today speed that process along. Its not every day I feel this pathetic, just today. Just today that I feel shortchanged, trampled and cast-aside, all prematurely. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what the answers are, and I don’t even know what the problem is… it just isn't working out like I want it to…
s.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)