got your head out of the clouds... back down on the ground.... and you dont talk so loud. now you dont walk so proud. anymore. and what for?
well i got the latin exam back. 80. i was hoping for something a bit higher than that. i lost like 13 points on my cakeass translation. or so i thought it was. bitchy stuff. 2 points for a verb not staying passive. 1 point for mashed tenses. 1 for this. 3 for that. 1 for something. 2 for nothing. but it read well. it was good english. it took no liberties. and it was about as litteral as it could be to still support the well constructed english without liberties. but i guess perfection is the name of it all. not a name that was familiar to me on that day.
without you........... i knew the storm was getting closer. and then all my friends said i was high. but everyone weve ever known is here. i never wanted that to die...
interesting week. i spent it talking more than i should have. its stupid of me. i chatter away to people like it matters. like my stupid comments mean something.. like someone cares what i say. like what i say has some importance. .. . i just kept on doing it. its a nervous thing maybe. maybe its just my way of being excited. regardless. they talk, i listen. i talk, they wont listen. sometimes its not the message. its the medium. i suppose im as dumb as anyone else. or just as naive to think i am like anyone else. maybe all along i was right. the ruin comes on in phases; not at once. there isnt any magical wooden horse to bring inside the city walls to signify the end of Troy as we know it. instead. its just my ramblings. because i lack the semblance of mind to shut my mouth. no wonder im desparate. i attack anything like its a last chance.... and in doing so... maybe i make it out to be that way... maybe my last chance never happened. and im sitting here bemoaning something i was never going to get. that would make alot more sense. instead of me talking so much. talking my way past the cold thoughts of the realness of my situation. so much goes past us with out thought. yet, when thsoe moments counts. i try to pass over the thoughts. sucessful or not. its an attempt. its a pass. and it fails. i suppose i always did fail. to lesser degrees or greater. ive always lost when it came to that. born the looser. destined to watch the winners. thats what destitute means. thats what it means to be an idiot and squander whatever i have. its just an invitation to forever. the signature of the fates. and other cliches i ought best leave un-stated. being a cute boy wold be easier. having a talent would make it simpler. money couldnt make it worse. but i have none of those. i have just myself. just my thoughts. and i have no doubts why its just me at the end of every day. i have myself because no one else would have me. and i guess that leaves myself for myself. alone from me, but never more alone than any person could ever be with themselves. destitute doesnt cover it. and neither do disenfranchised ramblings.
.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
well; ill find out monday... or probably wednesday... but i felt ok about the latin exam. the last couple quizes that i didnt do so well on; i felt like i didnt know parts of them going out the door. just as i took them, i knew, that i didnt know it. some stuff looked like id never seen it before. and i couldnt figure out any of the meter patterns. well. this time around. i knew all the meter patterns [even did the section i didnt have to!], and the TA said i did "markedly better" than on my quizes of late. as far as the translations sections i dunno. the prepared one didnt quite make good english, but i stayed with the litteral. and the sight passage was actually familiar to me. which, i guess isnt fair for everyone else, but ive read it somewhere before. so i feel ok about it. im not saying i got an A on it. but i passed it. i had to have. and that makes me feel much better. i spent from 5:30ish to 9pm studying for it. then took an hour break, then kept at it till i fell asleep on the couch at 1am. so maybe the cram session paid off for once.
other than that. this is the first weekend ive had off from work in 4 weeks. its not fair. i never get 2 days in a row off anymore. and im always working atleast part of the weekend. and ive had to spend this one playing catch up in my soc class. with luck, ill have my paper to turn in monday. 1 of 6. sigh. progress is still progress.
other than that. this is the first weekend ive had off from work in 4 weeks. its not fair. i never get 2 days in a row off anymore. and im always working atleast part of the weekend. and ive had to spend this one playing catch up in my soc class. with luck, ill have my paper to turn in monday. 1 of 6. sigh. progress is still progress.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
well this is the week of oddities... turns out Head, the guitarist from Korn has found god, and subsequently decided devilishly good metal is no longer appropriate. he intendes to give more details to the members of his new found church in some sort of coming out speech. then the poser band of choice for all the kids, blink 182 is done. permanent hiatus. ha. i think the reason is pretty obvious. travis isnt the kind of guy to mesh with that band. mark and tom play off as goofy 19 yearolds; while travis is all about metal and is married to a playmate. see any problems? i think with the crowd of teenie boppers that latched on to them; they finnally had to give in. and as far as korn is concerned, i think they knew the end was near as well. they still vow to carry on. but its not really going to happen. each album becomes more of a stretch and is farther down the charts. the boon years for rap-metal-core are done. hence limp biscuit, and kid rock havent been heard from excepting random arrest warrants. sigh. i guess we are stuck with the trends now. shit like [not so] good charlotte, pneu-metal, and bands that want to be old school/or nostolgia acts.. like the darkness, kings of leon, and motley crue, kiss incarnations, and whom ever is composing whitesnake and quiet riot now.
anyways.
friday scares me. my latin mid term. its looking fair on paper. just alot of shit to be familiar with to translate a paltry 8 lines. something like 300 lines. but its going to be worth buku points. and i need a good score. 80ish or better. all i do want for the class grade is my C. but i have a feeling im going to need to score better than C's on the exams to get that. just to get out of here. but im not in panic mode yet. ive passed everything ive been given so far. zero missed assignments. no attendance penalty. so if i keep on this streak. of atleast passing everything i take. im in the clear. i dont care so much about my grade, or my gpa now. i care about making it through it all. and this is starting to weigh on my mind.
other things on my mind. saturday night andrea and i went to see Million Dollar Baby. after watching it we started talking about stuff on the way out to the car and i was talking about how i had an old, old relative that had died of alzhiemers related illnesses and such. well, oddly enough. saturday night the last of my family members in the des moines area passes away. my great aunt ruth; whom i hadnt seen in probably 8 years; died of a stroke. the normal phone calls came out. now couple with emails from my mother about whats going on. mom seemed kind of upset about it. i think shes realized the edge of the family tree on her side. sure there are some kids and great grand kids. but they are so remote from us, that weve never met most of them, and some we dont even have names of. dads side doesnt have many left either. so this is kind of something to think over. funeral is friday. there is no way staples will let me out for it. besides. thats my latin mid term. i hope aunt ruth would understand. my uncle bob would have [her husband, whom died about 4 years ago]. hed laugh. ask me about baseball. maybe even take me out side and tell stories to get away from the adults which we both found boring at times. other times hed just fall asleep snoring in the middle of them. aunt ruth would just shake her head. and just keep on talking. course. i was like 6. but i remember being at the acerage... back before the east side of des moines became inhabited. when we could stand on the hill and see the interstate from their house, just past the horse barn. now there are stop and go lights, kwik shops, and cigarette outlets less than a block away. everything is paved. 4 lanes. its kinda hard even finding where they used to live. everything has changed. and it really was so long ago. like when i was a kid; and we go out to the farm. being 4 or 5 and running through strawberry patches was something fun. id eat so many, and get so tired, uncle roger would have to give me a ride back to the house on the tractor. i remember the first time seeing a deer gutted there. i remember the turkey sheds. it seemed like a million little baby turkeys all fluffy peeping around. and a field of grown turkey wandering around, never figuring out where the rocks were coming from, that id throw at them. all those years where wed have the whole family over at the farm for thanksgiving. the year we had like a 40 pound turkey. had to have been like 1985... i was in school... but my brother didnt exist yet... and it snowed about 4 feet on thanksgiving day. and we were all stuck at the farm. all 20 of us. back then the road was dirt and gravel county roads. now the interstate runs about 70 yards from where the farm entrance was. back then, 3000 acres of corn and beans meant something. today its just a profitable chunk of land to sell off to kwik shops and cigarette outlets. the family changed when they moved off the farm. bob and ruth still had theirs. but ray and dorthy moved off a long time before [they farmed the land that was eventually sold to the state for the Living History Farms, hint hint.. and that was in the early fifties]. but we all realize our mortality at some point. everyone gets old. we all die. families shrink. but they grow too. for now, im nearing 30. i shouldnt speak as though those years when i was 5 are like they were yesterday. they were, in actuallity 20 years ago. a generation ago. things have definitely changed. and im not 5 anymore.
anyways.
friday scares me. my latin mid term. its looking fair on paper. just alot of shit to be familiar with to translate a paltry 8 lines. something like 300 lines. but its going to be worth buku points. and i need a good score. 80ish or better. all i do want for the class grade is my C. but i have a feeling im going to need to score better than C's on the exams to get that. just to get out of here. but im not in panic mode yet. ive passed everything ive been given so far. zero missed assignments. no attendance penalty. so if i keep on this streak. of atleast passing everything i take. im in the clear. i dont care so much about my grade, or my gpa now. i care about making it through it all. and this is starting to weigh on my mind.
other things on my mind. saturday night andrea and i went to see Million Dollar Baby. after watching it we started talking about stuff on the way out to the car and i was talking about how i had an old, old relative that had died of alzhiemers related illnesses and such. well, oddly enough. saturday night the last of my family members in the des moines area passes away. my great aunt ruth; whom i hadnt seen in probably 8 years; died of a stroke. the normal phone calls came out. now couple with emails from my mother about whats going on. mom seemed kind of upset about it. i think shes realized the edge of the family tree on her side. sure there are some kids and great grand kids. but they are so remote from us, that weve never met most of them, and some we dont even have names of. dads side doesnt have many left either. so this is kind of something to think over. funeral is friday. there is no way staples will let me out for it. besides. thats my latin mid term. i hope aunt ruth would understand. my uncle bob would have [her husband, whom died about 4 years ago]. hed laugh. ask me about baseball. maybe even take me out side and tell stories to get away from the adults which we both found boring at times. other times hed just fall asleep snoring in the middle of them. aunt ruth would just shake her head. and just keep on talking. course. i was like 6. but i remember being at the acerage... back before the east side of des moines became inhabited. when we could stand on the hill and see the interstate from their house, just past the horse barn. now there are stop and go lights, kwik shops, and cigarette outlets less than a block away. everything is paved. 4 lanes. its kinda hard even finding where they used to live. everything has changed. and it really was so long ago. like when i was a kid; and we go out to the farm. being 4 or 5 and running through strawberry patches was something fun. id eat so many, and get so tired, uncle roger would have to give me a ride back to the house on the tractor. i remember the first time seeing a deer gutted there. i remember the turkey sheds. it seemed like a million little baby turkeys all fluffy peeping around. and a field of grown turkey wandering around, never figuring out where the rocks were coming from, that id throw at them. all those years where wed have the whole family over at the farm for thanksgiving. the year we had like a 40 pound turkey. had to have been like 1985... i was in school... but my brother didnt exist yet... and it snowed about 4 feet on thanksgiving day. and we were all stuck at the farm. all 20 of us. back then the road was dirt and gravel county roads. now the interstate runs about 70 yards from where the farm entrance was. back then, 3000 acres of corn and beans meant something. today its just a profitable chunk of land to sell off to kwik shops and cigarette outlets. the family changed when they moved off the farm. bob and ruth still had theirs. but ray and dorthy moved off a long time before [they farmed the land that was eventually sold to the state for the Living History Farms, hint hint.. and that was in the early fifties]. but we all realize our mortality at some point. everyone gets old. we all die. families shrink. but they grow too. for now, im nearing 30. i shouldnt speak as though those years when i was 5 are like they were yesterday. they were, in actuallity 20 years ago. a generation ago. things have definitely changed. and im not 5 anymore.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Current Musical Selection: Ronnie Dio - Heaven and Hell [live in 1996]
i think of all the various versions of this era of Sabbath, for some reason, i keep coming back to this post Sabbath recording of Ronnie's band playing the song. just have to keep thinking back about how he was kicked out of Sabbath both times, yet he'll still play the music from those times for the fans. Sabbath, really meaning Iommi [and Ozzy for moneys sake] refuse to play anything from outside the 1970s. like 20 years of catalogue doesnt exist for the band. which is really sad. i liked alot of the later Sabbath [read- NON OZZY] material. dio ranks at the top of those times. and for some reason, him running right back into the Dio band fold, and still playing this stuff just a year or so after the falling out, never seems to phase his performance. imagine if Ozzy adopted that attitude.
on and on. on and on. its. HEAVEN AND HELL.
so anyways, whats new with scott's life? --- well jobs are coming up as the main heart attack for me. its mid february. come may 20 something. ive got to get a real one. ive been applying to one a week or so. just dont have the time to do more than that now. waaaaaay too much stuff for school is coming up, and i never get any time off at work. but im trying.
there is a big black shape looking up at me. oh! it said, i know where you ought to be. it said, come with me and ill give you desire. but first. youve got to burn, burn, burn in fire!
valentines day is tomorrow... im not thrilled about that. i hate the day. its really not like any others. its built around feeling lonely if you dont fit the description. xmas can be about gift giving in general. presidents day is just about shutting down the post office, thanksgiving is about eating. yet valentines day. its about making yourself feel foolish about love. to love love is about as sensical as hating hatred. yet. we give it a whole god damned day on the calendar! you spend money, buy things, and spoil the ones that love you. so where do you end up when you have no one that loves you? who do you spend the money on when its just yourself? how do you properly reflect on the spirit of lovemaking/love sharing, when the day only reminds you of the heartbreak of the years past. its a hard day to make it through. for me atleast. i just keep reminding myself of all the mistakes ive made; or the mistakes others made for me. it all ends up the same. you end up alone and thinking about it all and a day you are supposed to be spending with someone whom loves you. but you realize there isnt anyone to spend a day like that with. and its pyschologically a hard day to make it through. even if you want to stay with the snide commerical application of cheezy cardboard valentines and stale peppermint candy hearts; the day just echos upon its empty self as a day for nothing other than being un-alone. so here i sit. but i guess as a kid growing up, i always knew how it would end up for me. i was never the one getting valentines. i was just the one that had to buy them for the other kids. rules and all dictated such. until i stopped about 3rd grade. no fancy valentines collection box did i make, nor did my pen grace a printed comic Archie poem. i sat in the back of the room. and i didnt get one valentine all day. twenty years later i think about how unfair it was. i think about myself at that age. but i never can remember whether or not i expected to get any of them. i just remember how it felt not having anyone else like yourself around you. kids would sing. play games. pick each others noses. all the stupid garbage little kids do. and i sat at my steel desk. which i remember had a screw that had backed out underneath of it, that would cut into the top of my thigh when i sat in it. i would sit there and scrape my leg over the head of the screw. and i would sit there. a part of me wants to say i was comatose for it. but i know i had to have been lucid. thank god, though, that i dont remember any of it. just sitting there alone, as the kids did some cupcake version of musical chairs. no teachers interjected. no kids offered to let me in. no one really ever noticed me sitting in the corner by the window that afternoon. thats what valentines day is like. unless you are on the inside... and youve got this great person that loves you for all immortality, then you are on the outside. outside the group. away from the closeness. pleading for despiration. but all together destitute. in the corner of the room. with no valentines to show for it. so tomorrow everyone will have sex. and cry and cuddle. and get flowers and stuffed animals of all sorts. i guess all i can hope for is that same desk and a screw sticking out. because thats all i have anymore. just myself. and the things that i remember.
i think of all the various versions of this era of Sabbath, for some reason, i keep coming back to this post Sabbath recording of Ronnie's band playing the song. just have to keep thinking back about how he was kicked out of Sabbath both times, yet he'll still play the music from those times for the fans. Sabbath, really meaning Iommi [and Ozzy for moneys sake] refuse to play anything from outside the 1970s. like 20 years of catalogue doesnt exist for the band. which is really sad. i liked alot of the later Sabbath [read- NON OZZY] material. dio ranks at the top of those times. and for some reason, him running right back into the Dio band fold, and still playing this stuff just a year or so after the falling out, never seems to phase his performance. imagine if Ozzy adopted that attitude.
on and on. on and on. its. HEAVEN AND HELL.
so anyways, whats new with scott's life? --- well jobs are coming up as the main heart attack for me. its mid february. come may 20 something. ive got to get a real one. ive been applying to one a week or so. just dont have the time to do more than that now. waaaaaay too much stuff for school is coming up, and i never get any time off at work. but im trying.
there is a big black shape looking up at me. oh! it said, i know where you ought to be. it said, come with me and ill give you desire. but first. youve got to burn, burn, burn in fire!
valentines day is tomorrow... im not thrilled about that. i hate the day. its really not like any others. its built around feeling lonely if you dont fit the description. xmas can be about gift giving in general. presidents day is just about shutting down the post office, thanksgiving is about eating. yet valentines day. its about making yourself feel foolish about love. to love love is about as sensical as hating hatred. yet. we give it a whole god damned day on the calendar! you spend money, buy things, and spoil the ones that love you. so where do you end up when you have no one that loves you? who do you spend the money on when its just yourself? how do you properly reflect on the spirit of lovemaking/love sharing, when the day only reminds you of the heartbreak of the years past. its a hard day to make it through. for me atleast. i just keep reminding myself of all the mistakes ive made; or the mistakes others made for me. it all ends up the same. you end up alone and thinking about it all and a day you are supposed to be spending with someone whom loves you. but you realize there isnt anyone to spend a day like that with. and its pyschologically a hard day to make it through. even if you want to stay with the snide commerical application of cheezy cardboard valentines and stale peppermint candy hearts; the day just echos upon its empty self as a day for nothing other than being un-alone. so here i sit. but i guess as a kid growing up, i always knew how it would end up for me. i was never the one getting valentines. i was just the one that had to buy them for the other kids. rules and all dictated such. until i stopped about 3rd grade. no fancy valentines collection box did i make, nor did my pen grace a printed comic Archie poem. i sat in the back of the room. and i didnt get one valentine all day. twenty years later i think about how unfair it was. i think about myself at that age. but i never can remember whether or not i expected to get any of them. i just remember how it felt not having anyone else like yourself around you. kids would sing. play games. pick each others noses. all the stupid garbage little kids do. and i sat at my steel desk. which i remember had a screw that had backed out underneath of it, that would cut into the top of my thigh when i sat in it. i would sit there and scrape my leg over the head of the screw. and i would sit there. a part of me wants to say i was comatose for it. but i know i had to have been lucid. thank god, though, that i dont remember any of it. just sitting there alone, as the kids did some cupcake version of musical chairs. no teachers interjected. no kids offered to let me in. no one really ever noticed me sitting in the corner by the window that afternoon. thats what valentines day is like. unless you are on the inside... and youve got this great person that loves you for all immortality, then you are on the outside. outside the group. away from the closeness. pleading for despiration. but all together destitute. in the corner of the room. with no valentines to show for it. so tomorrow everyone will have sex. and cry and cuddle. and get flowers and stuffed animals of all sorts. i guess all i can hope for is that same desk and a screw sticking out. because thats all i have anymore. just myself. and the things that i remember.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Current Musical Selection: Hawks loosing to Wisconsin
well i cant say i miss " P. " any. he played well. but he wasnt much for the team. tonight showed the team has moments that they can play. aside from a 20 to 2 run by Wisconsin; Iowa held the game all night. fuck P. my first memory of that kid was when i was out for a walk one night, and i came back across through boyd to cross the street in front of hillcrest. and who do i see? P and a certain unknown football player; with super soakers, hosing down unsuspecting drunk girls. their own atheletics department version of Girls Gone Wild. just without the girls knowing it was supposed to be fun. so P is running around to the cheers of his friend "P yo crazie nigguh. " as i continue moving, i see two DPS guards standing 30 feet behind him. letting them do whatever. arms crossed. should i have been P, id have been hit with the tazer. that was early fall of P's first year. a year later, he pleads to a lesser count to evade felony sexual assault. and ive never been surprised why. so if the hawks loose without his fabled 17 points per game. then so be it. but im glad that P is gone. and the women of campus [or even Des Moines now] might be safer because of it.
the last week was pretty rough for me. i was sick for most of it. according to the nurses on call line; i had a possible virus based infection. it involved lots of headaches, chills and sweats, as well as some throwing up. i slept about 18 hours a day. just beat the shit out of me. but im almost over it now. starting to get my apetite back. but 3 tacos stopped me at lunch today. and as all my real friends out here know. 3 tacos for me, is like tieing a shoelace. so. like i said, im getting much better.
well i cant say i miss " P. " any. he played well. but he wasnt much for the team. tonight showed the team has moments that they can play. aside from a 20 to 2 run by Wisconsin; Iowa held the game all night. fuck P. my first memory of that kid was when i was out for a walk one night, and i came back across through boyd to cross the street in front of hillcrest. and who do i see? P and a certain unknown football player; with super soakers, hosing down unsuspecting drunk girls. their own atheletics department version of Girls Gone Wild. just without the girls knowing it was supposed to be fun. so P is running around to the cheers of his friend "P yo crazie nigguh. " as i continue moving, i see two DPS guards standing 30 feet behind him. letting them do whatever. arms crossed. should i have been P, id have been hit with the tazer. that was early fall of P's first year. a year later, he pleads to a lesser count to evade felony sexual assault. and ive never been surprised why. so if the hawks loose without his fabled 17 points per game. then so be it. but im glad that P is gone. and the women of campus [or even Des Moines now] might be safer because of it.
the last week was pretty rough for me. i was sick for most of it. according to the nurses on call line; i had a possible virus based infection. it involved lots of headaches, chills and sweats, as well as some throwing up. i slept about 18 hours a day. just beat the shit out of me. but im almost over it now. starting to get my apetite back. but 3 tacos stopped me at lunch today. and as all my real friends out here know. 3 tacos for me, is like tieing a shoelace. so. like i said, im getting much better.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
well..... im bored. im tired. and im bored. and i cant fall asleep. and im sitting here. so here goes. yay for boredom!. yeah. fucking boredom. fucking insomnia. fucking grocery shoping too. seems like every kid that works at the Fareway is about 12. fucking a. the girl at the register was cute. if you were into fucking 8 year olds. she looked like one of those girls you see on the cover of Teen Beat, throwing love notes they wrote at the Backstreetboys. the kind of girls that cry when the Backstreetboys video ends. yeah. the munchkin that pushed the groceries out was small enough to fit in the cart. i didnt want to ask how illegal it was for him to have a job. besides. he probably couldnt spell the term Age Descriminatory Hiring Factors for Employment.
i watched Ballistic: Exs vs Sever. its garbage. i watced The Punisher. semi good. and i watched Collateral. acceptable. im really getting depressed at the low volume of really good movies there are in existence. of all the movies ive sat through in the last few months... they all hardly make my ITS FUN TO WATCH list. pathetic.
i watched Ballistic: Exs vs Sever. its garbage. i watced The Punisher. semi good. and i watched Collateral. acceptable. im really getting depressed at the low volume of really good movies there are in existence. of all the movies ive sat through in the last few months... they all hardly make my ITS FUN TO WATCH list. pathetic.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
i am jack's undaunting sense of horrific flashback.
well class starts tomorrow. back to fun with Magister Marcus. we all adored the Magistra, but Mark isnt going to make us do shit. no one is demanding otherwise. im sure hell have assignments... probably some quizes too... [he mentioned vocab is still important {bwahahaha}]. but tomorrow marks the begining of the end really. come may something er other, i will be done. hopefully on my way far, far away from this wretched place. while i did learn a few things here... aside from latin, bits of hebrew and a miserable failure of spanish. some things really just never meshed well with me. and i cant honestly say without remorse of heart, that im going to miss the university of iowa. i might miss being a student. getting information on subjects no one does. being nameless in a group, being expected to be worthless to society. but ive spent too long here. for far, far too little. i am no different than when i walked into the doors of Phillips Hall, that first morning on campus. back when i actually carried a map with me to jog my mind how to find that North Hall, that was hidden from view... and now i carry it because i have no clue what the hell the names of some of these buildings are anymore. campus has changed. kids have changed. and all for the worse. ive seen some very bright individuals fail out of this school; ive witnessed idiots graduate with honors; and ive seen cheaters out score me in plain view. at times, this place brought me to my knees... on the bring of academic ruin, to financial disdain... and even to the ends of my own sanity. but tomorrow is the first of the last.
when i was a kid, i used to get anxious about school. while i never wanted to start classes and leave home; i never wanted to miss a chance to be there either. i remember being quite a problem child in 1st grade.... how much i hated school. i hated the teacher. the kids hated me. i had no friends. they all made fun of me. they would say shit to me. throw shit at me. take my things and hide them or break them. and i never cried. i never cried for myself. so many times i felt like i was in that same mold again here at the university. i hate the school. i hate the teachers. the kids truely hate me. i have few true friends. theyve never understood me here. and they tried so hard to pieces of me away from myself. and i wont forgive this place for that. ive still never cried for myself. and i will not weep for this place either.
cheers to the last semester.
VALE! VALE!
well class starts tomorrow. back to fun with Magister Marcus. we all adored the Magistra, but Mark isnt going to make us do shit. no one is demanding otherwise. im sure hell have assignments... probably some quizes too... [he mentioned vocab is still important {bwahahaha}]. but tomorrow marks the begining of the end really. come may something er other, i will be done. hopefully on my way far, far away from this wretched place. while i did learn a few things here... aside from latin, bits of hebrew and a miserable failure of spanish. some things really just never meshed well with me. and i cant honestly say without remorse of heart, that im going to miss the university of iowa. i might miss being a student. getting information on subjects no one does. being nameless in a group, being expected to be worthless to society. but ive spent too long here. for far, far too little. i am no different than when i walked into the doors of Phillips Hall, that first morning on campus. back when i actually carried a map with me to jog my mind how to find that North Hall, that was hidden from view... and now i carry it because i have no clue what the hell the names of some of these buildings are anymore. campus has changed. kids have changed. and all for the worse. ive seen some very bright individuals fail out of this school; ive witnessed idiots graduate with honors; and ive seen cheaters out score me in plain view. at times, this place brought me to my knees... on the bring of academic ruin, to financial disdain... and even to the ends of my own sanity. but tomorrow is the first of the last.
when i was a kid, i used to get anxious about school. while i never wanted to start classes and leave home; i never wanted to miss a chance to be there either. i remember being quite a problem child in 1st grade.... how much i hated school. i hated the teacher. the kids hated me. i had no friends. they all made fun of me. they would say shit to me. throw shit at me. take my things and hide them or break them. and i never cried. i never cried for myself. so many times i felt like i was in that same mold again here at the university. i hate the school. i hate the teachers. the kids truely hate me. i have few true friends. theyve never understood me here. and they tried so hard to pieces of me away from myself. and i wont forgive this place for that. ive still never cried for myself. and i will not weep for this place either.
cheers to the last semester.
VALE! VALE!
Monday, January 17, 2005
fucking ow.
why people wont tell me anything at work, ill never understand. i guess the ladder is broken. no one said anything. and since no one did anything yesterday, i had to get the ladder and get a printer for a customer we should have had out. the brake skips on said ladder, some customer grabs my arm; brake locks. i turn my head. face rams into steel ladder stairs. and i nearly hit the floor with whiplash. i instinctively put my hands up on my mouth, and can just watch the blood spurting through my lips. the customer stares at me impatiently. i face him. drop my hands. two palm fulls of blood drop on the floor. his eyes get big. then i reach up and pull my lower lip away from my mouth, letting my teeth slide back through the gash just under my lip. and then i got fucking hostile.
after leaving and punching a hole through the printer in the warehouse, i proceed to try and stop the bleeding. i filled the sink in the mens room with blood several times over. i was scooping cool water into my mouth to wash the taste of clotting blood away. i cant feel my gums and teeth, my entire jaw is numb. i throw paper towels in the sink, soak them then pack them between my teeth and my lower lip. i noticed my teeth were all there, none of them chipped, none feel loose. but blood is still pouring out. i reach up and put the tip of my pinkie finger through my lip into my mouth... similar to the cock-knocker piercings kids get. cept i dont want one of those. but here it is, me and the impromptu version.
so eventually they haul my ass off to the emergency room. i get bumped around back and forth there. and eventually they get me taken care of. just in time for me to go back to work and start filling out stacks of paper about what happened. now its 4 hours later... and im starting to get feeling back in my gums and jaw. and it dont feel good. my lip is so swollen i cant close my mouth right, and i had to grimmace drinking a shake for dinner tonight. brushing my teeth will be a chore too. but my lip is back together, inside and out. and fairly well cleaned up. i just wish i had better luck. i just hate my job now. i just want to have a job i like. where customers just as soon die, than shove me into ladders, that malfunction, that no one feels necessary to tell me about. i sigh if it didnt hurt.
why people wont tell me anything at work, ill never understand. i guess the ladder is broken. no one said anything. and since no one did anything yesterday, i had to get the ladder and get a printer for a customer we should have had out. the brake skips on said ladder, some customer grabs my arm; brake locks. i turn my head. face rams into steel ladder stairs. and i nearly hit the floor with whiplash. i instinctively put my hands up on my mouth, and can just watch the blood spurting through my lips. the customer stares at me impatiently. i face him. drop my hands. two palm fulls of blood drop on the floor. his eyes get big. then i reach up and pull my lower lip away from my mouth, letting my teeth slide back through the gash just under my lip. and then i got fucking hostile.
after leaving and punching a hole through the printer in the warehouse, i proceed to try and stop the bleeding. i filled the sink in the mens room with blood several times over. i was scooping cool water into my mouth to wash the taste of clotting blood away. i cant feel my gums and teeth, my entire jaw is numb. i throw paper towels in the sink, soak them then pack them between my teeth and my lower lip. i noticed my teeth were all there, none of them chipped, none feel loose. but blood is still pouring out. i reach up and put the tip of my pinkie finger through my lip into my mouth... similar to the cock-knocker piercings kids get. cept i dont want one of those. but here it is, me and the impromptu version.
so eventually they haul my ass off to the emergency room. i get bumped around back and forth there. and eventually they get me taken care of. just in time for me to go back to work and start filling out stacks of paper about what happened. now its 4 hours later... and im starting to get feeling back in my gums and jaw. and it dont feel good. my lip is so swollen i cant close my mouth right, and i had to grimmace drinking a shake for dinner tonight. brushing my teeth will be a chore too. but my lip is back together, inside and out. and fairly well cleaned up. i just wish i had better luck. i just hate my job now. i just want to have a job i like. where customers just as soon die, than shove me into ladders, that malfunction, that no one feels necessary to tell me about. i sigh if it didnt hurt.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Current Musical Selection: Dio - Last In Live [album]
well... lets see.. whats new... nothing really. another birthday came and went. i think 3 people knew it was my birthday... including my mother. my aunt also sent me a card. so. really only one person knew it was my birthday. and she didnt say anything to me until the next time she saw me.. which was 3 days later. but she was still cool enough to ask how it was. mind you, she is the only hot chick we have employed there, too. but what a life i lead. the best part was the manager-i-like-working-with didnt believe that it was my birthday. like someone would lie about that. ah so. so for my birthday i got to work an extra half shift. i didnt bother telling anyone what that day was. seemed like theyd just have to come up with some reason to justify fucking me over on that extra day of the year. well all this semester they get many more opportunities... thanks to the university, im screwed into taking this last class, at 9:30 am. three days per week. meaning my last semester here, i get to close 3 nights a week. then turn around and open the days following. fantastic huh? they broke that news to me the day after my birthday. it helps to blow out the candles when they knock the wind out of you like that.
so i got the usual from my parents [several people wanted to know what i got] socks. 5 pairs. 1 tie. 1 dress shirt that matches previously stated tie. troy on dvd. and dinner out. really not bad. no really junk to have to keep or find a use for. so all in all not bad. despite that i asked and got the heavy weight wool boot socks, so i could go out and about in the snow down the trails without freezing my toes off. but i work like every day, so i never get to go out. the shirt and tie are nice. but im not sure what ill ever wear them to. they arent my ideal interview attire colors; and i get company clothing for work. it would make nice date clothing. if only...
that being the point. i had to love myself some this year. ... heh. yeah that too. well i broke down and bought a nice 16x double layer dvd burner and an account at blockbuster online. so i get shit loads of movies to watch... which i generally fall asleep to at night. i thought alot about it, and i even visited the camera i want at university camera the day before my birthday. but shes out of my price league. that 1300 dollar sticker is gathering dust. i had a dream though. that i had one. it was the best dream ever. i dreamed i spent a month on the road in the southwest... doing nothing but taking pictures. just days of walking around some old mission style churches, cactus, and mining towns. and all i did was take pictures. no one to bitch at me. no one gave a shit where i was. i just got to do what i wanted. i dreamt that i slept outside at night. out under the stars in the desert. just the hills and sand around me, and the star filled night sky above me. and the visions and still frames of senioritas in my head. and it was a fucking fantastic dream. and i woke up. standing around at work. with some 500 pound woman, with breath of ass and catfood, demanding that i should not charge so much for 'her microsoft'. that dream was fucking great. but the reality is knowing that it wont happen. but i held it. the clerk let me snap a few frames with it. and it is the stuff of dreams. atleast for this odd little man. it was.
in the mean time i have to settle for signifficantly less fullfilling aspirations. like latin of the 4th semester. and focusing on persuading [from the latin verb, persuadeo, ] the hot girl at work to let me buy her lunch more often. it worked once. im glad too. i didnt know much about her. now i know more, but understand her signifficantly less. ... im kind of in the dark about it; but i know it happens. the young female phase of dating the wrong guy. the kick of being the victim in the end. my words, not hers. but her words called it as "i was deluding myself about him the entire time; and everyong i loved around me told me he was worthless, and i just would hear it" . and from that ill never understand why they do that. shes also 20. her reign of stupid shit is just starting. in the meantime the Prisim services rep wants me. shes 40. but id guess her to be early 30s. i only know becasue she told me she has a daughter that works at a store in ames. she wanted to set a date with me to do some reset. her words. ben was my witness to the aftermath. but she said to me "lets call this.. a date for us, shall we?" and she gave me some coy ass smile. its flattering. and probably a bit disturbing how things happen like that. i just consented to her id have to work the day she came to do the reset and left it. the blonde at the coffee shop in noth liberty still remembers me. she made me put in the new ribbon on her cash register. coffee was on the hosue for it though. some really hot blonde customer was just putty in my hands at work today. i kept getting the hair flip, the lip licking, and the suttle smiles, as well as the "is this the kind of paper you use?" tj about died watching it. i should have hit on her. i so should have. but i didnt feel right about it. so thats the last time i show any customers my photos. atleast my good ones. i felt guilty about having her buy 60 bucks in photo paper.... and being too chicken shit to ask for her number. sometimes even the image of myself selling shit scares me.
images of our self never are what we think. i went to the mens room later; and glanced in the mirror. and i hardly recognized myself. short beard. short hair. ugly ass shirt. its more metaphorical than anything. but i was looking at the image of myself that i wasnt familiar with. i did a double take. it was me. and it was surreal. and i closed my eyes and tried to remember to myself what i really do look like.
but life is pictures. dreams are images of the life we most want for our selves. i just dream that those pictures could be my life. snapshots from the hip. grainy. and stark. something dark. something obtuse. yet memorable. and i know my time passes away; when i realize those images that i dream about fade away from me in my own mind.
-------///s.///---------
well... lets see.. whats new... nothing really. another birthday came and went. i think 3 people knew it was my birthday... including my mother. my aunt also sent me a card. so. really only one person knew it was my birthday. and she didnt say anything to me until the next time she saw me.. which was 3 days later. but she was still cool enough to ask how it was. mind you, she is the only hot chick we have employed there, too. but what a life i lead. the best part was the manager-i-like-working-with didnt believe that it was my birthday. like someone would lie about that. ah so. so for my birthday i got to work an extra half shift. i didnt bother telling anyone what that day was. seemed like theyd just have to come up with some reason to justify fucking me over on that extra day of the year. well all this semester they get many more opportunities... thanks to the university, im screwed into taking this last class, at 9:30 am. three days per week. meaning my last semester here, i get to close 3 nights a week. then turn around and open the days following. fantastic huh? they broke that news to me the day after my birthday. it helps to blow out the candles when they knock the wind out of you like that.
so i got the usual from my parents [several people wanted to know what i got] socks. 5 pairs. 1 tie. 1 dress shirt that matches previously stated tie. troy on dvd. and dinner out. really not bad. no really junk to have to keep or find a use for. so all in all not bad. despite that i asked and got the heavy weight wool boot socks, so i could go out and about in the snow down the trails without freezing my toes off. but i work like every day, so i never get to go out. the shirt and tie are nice. but im not sure what ill ever wear them to. they arent my ideal interview attire colors; and i get company clothing for work. it would make nice date clothing. if only...
that being the point. i had to love myself some this year. ... heh. yeah that too. well i broke down and bought a nice 16x double layer dvd burner and an account at blockbuster online. so i get shit loads of movies to watch... which i generally fall asleep to at night. i thought alot about it, and i even visited the camera i want at university camera the day before my birthday. but shes out of my price league. that 1300 dollar sticker is gathering dust. i had a dream though. that i had one. it was the best dream ever. i dreamed i spent a month on the road in the southwest... doing nothing but taking pictures. just days of walking around some old mission style churches, cactus, and mining towns. and all i did was take pictures. no one to bitch at me. no one gave a shit where i was. i just got to do what i wanted. i dreamt that i slept outside at night. out under the stars in the desert. just the hills and sand around me, and the star filled night sky above me. and the visions and still frames of senioritas in my head. and it was a fucking fantastic dream. and i woke up. standing around at work. with some 500 pound woman, with breath of ass and catfood, demanding that i should not charge so much for 'her microsoft'. that dream was fucking great. but the reality is knowing that it wont happen. but i held it. the clerk let me snap a few frames with it. and it is the stuff of dreams. atleast for this odd little man. it was.
in the mean time i have to settle for signifficantly less fullfilling aspirations. like latin of the 4th semester. and focusing on persuading [from the latin verb, persuadeo, ] the hot girl at work to let me buy her lunch more often. it worked once. im glad too. i didnt know much about her. now i know more, but understand her signifficantly less. ... im kind of in the dark about it; but i know it happens. the young female phase of dating the wrong guy. the kick of being the victim in the end. my words, not hers. but her words called it as "i was deluding myself about him the entire time; and everyong i loved around me told me he was worthless, and i just would hear it" . and from that ill never understand why they do that. shes also 20. her reign of stupid shit is just starting. in the meantime the Prisim services rep wants me. shes 40. but id guess her to be early 30s. i only know becasue she told me she has a daughter that works at a store in ames. she wanted to set a date with me to do some reset. her words. ben was my witness to the aftermath. but she said to me "lets call this.. a date for us, shall we?" and she gave me some coy ass smile. its flattering. and probably a bit disturbing how things happen like that. i just consented to her id have to work the day she came to do the reset and left it. the blonde at the coffee shop in noth liberty still remembers me. she made me put in the new ribbon on her cash register. coffee was on the hosue for it though. some really hot blonde customer was just putty in my hands at work today. i kept getting the hair flip, the lip licking, and the suttle smiles, as well as the "is this the kind of paper you use?" tj about died watching it. i should have hit on her. i so should have. but i didnt feel right about it. so thats the last time i show any customers my photos. atleast my good ones. i felt guilty about having her buy 60 bucks in photo paper.... and being too chicken shit to ask for her number. sometimes even the image of myself selling shit scares me.
images of our self never are what we think. i went to the mens room later; and glanced in the mirror. and i hardly recognized myself. short beard. short hair. ugly ass shirt. its more metaphorical than anything. but i was looking at the image of myself that i wasnt familiar with. i did a double take. it was me. and it was surreal. and i closed my eyes and tried to remember to myself what i really do look like.
but life is pictures. dreams are images of the life we most want for our selves. i just dream that those pictures could be my life. snapshots from the hip. grainy. and stark. something dark. something obtuse. yet memorable. and i know my time passes away; when i realize those images that i dream about fade away from me in my own mind.
-------///s.///---------
Saturday, January 08, 2005
could this be it????
my true calling in life???
to go to south africa...
and.
PROSPER?!?!?!?!
read the story.
my true calling in life???
to go to south africa...
and.
PROSPER?!?!?!?!
read the story.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Metal Thrashing Mad [2004]
god i didnt miss work. a week off wasnt really long enough. it just started. and the shit parade just cascaded all day. dumb ass people. unreasonable demands. and then i could say something about our customers. rediculous. im damned if i do, and damned that i didnt. its not enough that i out pace everyone by miles in sales.... it aint enough that i make that place run. now i get nasty shit from corporate how the department CIPS scores are terrible. how warranty sales are bad. how camera sales were slower than anticipated. how shredders arent selling well. it was one thing after another. i got sick of reading all the mail in my box at work. just because of it. not one shred of decency for me. just more shit. i didnt miss it. i guess i missed some of my coworkers. maybe.
i was superstoked to read my email this evening... charlie wrote a new diary entry online [the drummer from anthrax] guess what? the 'thrax is playing a benefit show in chicago in february for Dime. with Soil. with Disturbed. fuck. that should be some time. downside is its a wednesday night. what the fuck is that? wednesday night is not very metal. ill see what i can do about hitting it up. anyone thats interested should give me a call.
i managed not to get a damn thing done all vacation long. laundry i guess counts. but not really. nothing done with my class. i really should do that. atleast before the other one starts up in a couple weeks now. hard to believe its 2005 now. just goes so fast. really. i swore it was 2003 just a couple weeks ago. so much changes. so much comes and goes. sad really. that the years are already starting to blend together. so... in no particular order; its something i call...
____ of 2004.
best new beer i sampled - big butte. fuck. atleast it sounded funny.
worst beer i got stuck with drinking - that whole cooler full ... all of them were bad. but i made it through like 60 cans in 30 days. because ill be damned if i was going to move that shit to my new house.
best band i 'discovered' - tough call.. Dark Tranquility.
worst band of memory - fucking retarded ass Nightwish.
dumbest thing i did - fix that sink on dodge street at like 1am. went to brush my teeth before bed, on a cold snowy night. found it wouldnt drain. so i start taking shit apart. find myself in a pile of parts, drain-o pool, and rotting wet hair clogs at 4am... cant get it to re-assemble. take the sink out of the vanity. dismantle everything from the wall outwards. 6am i get it back together. it leaks. 7:30 am i walk 10 blocks in the snow and ice [car was plowed in] to a hardware store to get new 72 cent rubber seal. struggle home by 10am. sink is working leak free by 11am... just 9 hours later than it should have.
most proud achievement of the year - paid off 2 credit cards, with no help. i set myself on a payment schedule... starved myself when necessary. imposed my $10 fee for buying shit i didnt need. and now im on my way to be credit card debt free this year. for ever and ever i hope.
most meaningful experience of the year - honestly... it was the car ride back from Mason City with justin o. after the machine head concert, and aised from meeting Flynn and Deuce, we we fucking talked like women! but, you know ive got alot more respect for him and we understand alot about each other now. hes one of those friends i never had, we have seriously like 10 shared friends since jr high; but somehow we never met till Staples.
dumbest fashion trend - those fucking poncho's on girls. seriously. they are shit ugly colors. feel like a sweater. and so mishsapen they are worthless.. Clint Eastwood is calling you punks out. pink tshirts for guys. nothing says homo quite like a pink nike tshirt. Nike, what is so masculine about that rapper in a pink shirt with womens stocking on his head?
best sports victory - the red sox. winning the AL Pennant. the world series was cake on tits.. but fucking the yankees in the ass like that... wooot
biggest regret - not calling back vivian that night she drunk dialed me... turns out there were 2 other drunk and horny girls with her... its still painful.
next biggest regret - paying 13 dollars at Applebees for that minescule undercooked chicken breast and tortilla cut into 3 peices. didnt even get lettuce or salsa with it. even andrea said she could have eaten more than that.
... and the next biggest regret - not going to see Damage Plan with Coach in chicago. not even two weeks later, Dimebag gets killed on stage and now ill have to settle for having seen Pantera play once, for 20 minutes, like 8 years ago.
healthiest thing i did - so since i dont booze much, and i dont smoke... ive tried to stop drinking soda. im still working on it. but ive limited myself to one can a day, or under. a max of one 24 can case per month. its hard. mt dew is still a guilty vice some afternoons.
best advice i gave someone - some random girl i met at the library one night. i was walking out the door at midnight, and she was sitting on the curb crying her eyes out. i kept walking. i had to get up at 5am. but i stopped, turned around, went back and sat next to her. i listened to her for an hour about how she was breaking up with her boyfriend some tiny iowa farm town, and how she felt alone, and had her heartbroken "for life" she wasnt even 18 yet. so i talked to her for 10 minutes. and she stopped crying. smiled. started laughing. and said she felt better. and ive never seen her since.
best comeback i had all year - i said it before Alan Shore did on Boston Legal!!! one manager got in a play-fight with me.. and i told her as she was trying to walk away victorious.. "why dont you just go search in your office for the next hour for the witty comeback you wanted to use right now" she about died. she just started shaking her head. she had NOTHING to come back with.
most pathetic attempt at attention - janet jackson and her nipple. closely followed by britneys marriages.. but primarily marriage #1. possibly michael jacksons mugshot with the "im a coy childmolestor grin" or maybe even the university trying to ebay the scoreboard at kinnick stadium for money... guess no pawnshop would take it.
funniest wager of the year - kyle betting that clark couldnt go a month without sex. we were going to start an online pool with friends all over the country. but clark couldnt make it a full week before he lost. clarks revenge was betting kyle that he couldnt score in a month's time. and for some reason no one took that serious.
friends trend of the year - getting engaged/married. seriously... you people are my friends and all.... but fucking stop it already!
funniest joke i heard - "who is the RBI leader on the Blue Jays this year? --- WHO FUCKING CARES, THE BLUE JAYS ARE TERRIBLE"
funniest inside joke - jimmy bought bunnies. heh. "jimmy and the bunnies"
best picture i took - maybe the one of the eagle-statue with the spyder in its mouth, that had covered it in cobwebs. or one of Jwr doing the apple trick... i still laugh looking at that one.
hottest girl i saw - that one chick at the green room. on like a thursday night in february. i stopped to see a friends band, and she was all retro punkish dressed up. with like those big pink kids sunglasses with smoke lenses in them... strawberry shortcake ones i recall. anyhows.. she had red and blonde streaked hair... huge rack. but was scrawny, wearing a lacey red brasier and some ultra micro black vinyl skirt and ho neon green fishnets. she didnt wear shit under that skirt! [ill say she had no fear of razor burn.. and i leave it at that]
angriest i got all year - nearly hitting a fucking pack of deer at like 1am one rainy night... i slid off the road. i got out. took out my trench shovel and chased three deer across a farm field, screaming the whole way. i ended up wet and muddy up to my knees, with no deer killed.
most scared i was all year - in that field with three ton-wieght buffalo running me down. for about 3 minutes, i was kinda worried if i was going to make it back to the car... or if the car would stop them. this car of old people were even screaming at me. fun shit tho.
worst pickup line i attempted - during the Battle i mc'd; my voice was trashed, i was tired, been drinking all night, and at 1am i asked these two cute girls that had been smilling at me and following me; "if youre 18, we can go fuck in the bathroom; its ok to do that at a metal show." they both kinda looked down and got all nervous. i laughed... made some excuse, and told them it was a joke.. the bartender and i laughed. the one gave a puzzled look, the other said "it was a.. joke?" then i asked when their parents were coming to pick them up. the one said; "in about 10 minutes" they really were like 15 i bet.
most rewarding moment - shutting down an old friend from high school, when she brought up an random IM rant about some Hemmingway passage. she always thought that i never read "great" litterature, but i proved i read it better than she did.
biggest secret i kept all last year - that one weekend when everyone was at my place right before school started, rabbit and i were drunk and ended up in bed together. no sex occured! we had fun, we laughed and we talked, we listened to matt barf up his guts all night long, beligerently moaning complaints about drinking to andrea. the next day steph went out of her way to come back and talk to me and we had an awkward conversation about what happened. and i felt really guilty about how i didnt handle that situation correctly. i know i could have had a closer friend out of the deal. but i didnt say anything to her. and now like year and a half later we dont even talk really. so i never really told any one about what happened. besides. everyone just would have presumed we screwed. so it wasnt even worth bringing up.
worst mistake i made at work - being nice and putting a typewritter ribbon in for an old man. i typed on it. it worked. we both laughed. he left. he called and bitched a week later that i did it wrong and then somehow broke his typewritter; despite it working for week [at his own admission]. he bitched. and he bitched. and he swore at me. and demanded a new fucking typewritter for free. that 3 dollar ribbon, eventually cost my store like 200 bucks. they gave him credit for a new typewritter, paper, and several ribbons. although i did nothing wrong; i now refuse to help customers like that because of that mistake.
..... so what do i look forward to in 2005?
. ill graduate. FINALLY.
. ill get a job. because ill have to pay for said college.
. i WILL NOT put in typewritter ribbons. all aarp members can eat my shit.
. ill have to sit through more weddings for my friends. maybe even babysit for them.
. i will never be seen at a Nightwish concert.
. i wont let andrea tell us to buy so much Beast Ice next time.
. i will talk to people about things, instead of saying nothing, starting with Rabbit.
. i wont chase buffalo... and ill be more selective about chasing deer.
. i wont hold these "marriage" things against Britney Spears when shes all teary eyed and knocking at my door some night.
. i will remember that ebay kept my alma mater afloat. barely.
. i will call in sick at work to see that metal show, 6 hours away or not.
. maybe ill realize i need to stop deluding myself. i am single. hopelessly. and maybe ill stop being angry about it; and just take it as it is...
. ill try to find a way to get Ronnie James Dio to autograph something for me.
. andrea and i can never let coach get "... this drunk ever. *barf* again"
. i will travel more. i want to. i want to go to a state in the country out west. and i want to camp out under the stars. and i dont think a hotel will count.
. i vow to take more and better pictures. of real eagles. dead ones even. but just more in general. to have something to remember my years by.
. ill give diet soda a try. its going to be hard.
. if i ever see that girl at the library again; ill ask her if her heart is still broken. if i see that girl at the Green Room again; ill ask her if she shaves with the grain or against.
. i wont make lude comments to 15 year old girls. i know jwr. this is makes you sad. 16 year olds are fair game.!
. ill stop talking about 'Jimmy and the bunnies'. i will use more office humor relating to, but not limited to 'Pig Benis', 'how is the treadmill TJ?, 'i should go as Bike Guy for halloween', and "like shane says 'i would ravage any butthole '"
. ill bet on kyle to win. if it ever happens.
. i resolve to only eat at the following places, with fruity shit on the walls; Chili's, Bennigans, TGI Fridays, Fudruckers, Cheddars. since there is such a shortage of places like this, i must reserve my attention to only the best.
. i will force an attempt not to criticize fashionably hip wears in public.... for several minutes.... or will try, in earnest, to dislodge my rants before they occur in me being asked to leave JC Pennys again.
. i will make someone else my slave on a trip back from mason city, and force the to listen to me, and see if i can make them a friend for life too.
. in all... i just am going to try hard to make 2005 memorable for me. one of my last few years, i can claim being young anymore. and when i turn 24 on january 6th; i will know that i am now closer to being 30 years old, than i will ever be closer to being in high school anymore. i hope a job i get wont suck too much. or it pays well. and maybe ill figure some other things out along the way.
----//s.//----
god i didnt miss work. a week off wasnt really long enough. it just started. and the shit parade just cascaded all day. dumb ass people. unreasonable demands. and then i could say something about our customers. rediculous. im damned if i do, and damned that i didnt. its not enough that i out pace everyone by miles in sales.... it aint enough that i make that place run. now i get nasty shit from corporate how the department CIPS scores are terrible. how warranty sales are bad. how camera sales were slower than anticipated. how shredders arent selling well. it was one thing after another. i got sick of reading all the mail in my box at work. just because of it. not one shred of decency for me. just more shit. i didnt miss it. i guess i missed some of my coworkers. maybe.
i was superstoked to read my email this evening... charlie wrote a new diary entry online [the drummer from anthrax] guess what? the 'thrax is playing a benefit show in chicago in february for Dime. with Soil. with Disturbed. fuck. that should be some time. downside is its a wednesday night. what the fuck is that? wednesday night is not very metal. ill see what i can do about hitting it up. anyone thats interested should give me a call.
i managed not to get a damn thing done all vacation long. laundry i guess counts. but not really. nothing done with my class. i really should do that. atleast before the other one starts up in a couple weeks now. hard to believe its 2005 now. just goes so fast. really. i swore it was 2003 just a couple weeks ago. so much changes. so much comes and goes. sad really. that the years are already starting to blend together. so... in no particular order; its something i call...
____ of 2004.
best new beer i sampled - big butte. fuck. atleast it sounded funny.
worst beer i got stuck with drinking - that whole cooler full ... all of them were bad. but i made it through like 60 cans in 30 days. because ill be damned if i was going to move that shit to my new house.
best band i 'discovered' - tough call.. Dark Tranquility.
worst band of memory - fucking retarded ass Nightwish.
dumbest thing i did - fix that sink on dodge street at like 1am. went to brush my teeth before bed, on a cold snowy night. found it wouldnt drain. so i start taking shit apart. find myself in a pile of parts, drain-o pool, and rotting wet hair clogs at 4am... cant get it to re-assemble. take the sink out of the vanity. dismantle everything from the wall outwards. 6am i get it back together. it leaks. 7:30 am i walk 10 blocks in the snow and ice [car was plowed in] to a hardware store to get new 72 cent rubber seal. struggle home by 10am. sink is working leak free by 11am... just 9 hours later than it should have.
most proud achievement of the year - paid off 2 credit cards, with no help. i set myself on a payment schedule... starved myself when necessary. imposed my $10 fee for buying shit i didnt need. and now im on my way to be credit card debt free this year. for ever and ever i hope.
most meaningful experience of the year - honestly... it was the car ride back from Mason City with justin o. after the machine head concert, and aised from meeting Flynn and Deuce, we we fucking talked like women! but, you know ive got alot more respect for him and we understand alot about each other now. hes one of those friends i never had, we have seriously like 10 shared friends since jr high; but somehow we never met till Staples.
dumbest fashion trend - those fucking poncho's on girls. seriously. they are shit ugly colors. feel like a sweater. and so mishsapen they are worthless.. Clint Eastwood is calling you punks out. pink tshirts for guys. nothing says homo quite like a pink nike tshirt. Nike, what is so masculine about that rapper in a pink shirt with womens stocking on his head?
best sports victory - the red sox. winning the AL Pennant. the world series was cake on tits.. but fucking the yankees in the ass like that... wooot
biggest regret - not calling back vivian that night she drunk dialed me... turns out there were 2 other drunk and horny girls with her... its still painful.
next biggest regret - paying 13 dollars at Applebees for that minescule undercooked chicken breast and tortilla cut into 3 peices. didnt even get lettuce or salsa with it. even andrea said she could have eaten more than that.
... and the next biggest regret - not going to see Damage Plan with Coach in chicago. not even two weeks later, Dimebag gets killed on stage and now ill have to settle for having seen Pantera play once, for 20 minutes, like 8 years ago.
healthiest thing i did - so since i dont booze much, and i dont smoke... ive tried to stop drinking soda. im still working on it. but ive limited myself to one can a day, or under. a max of one 24 can case per month. its hard. mt dew is still a guilty vice some afternoons.
best advice i gave someone - some random girl i met at the library one night. i was walking out the door at midnight, and she was sitting on the curb crying her eyes out. i kept walking. i had to get up at 5am. but i stopped, turned around, went back and sat next to her. i listened to her for an hour about how she was breaking up with her boyfriend some tiny iowa farm town, and how she felt alone, and had her heartbroken "for life" she wasnt even 18 yet. so i talked to her for 10 minutes. and she stopped crying. smiled. started laughing. and said she felt better. and ive never seen her since.
best comeback i had all year - i said it before Alan Shore did on Boston Legal!!! one manager got in a play-fight with me.. and i told her as she was trying to walk away victorious.. "why dont you just go search in your office for the next hour for the witty comeback you wanted to use right now" she about died. she just started shaking her head. she had NOTHING to come back with.
most pathetic attempt at attention - janet jackson and her nipple. closely followed by britneys marriages.. but primarily marriage #1. possibly michael jacksons mugshot with the "im a coy childmolestor grin" or maybe even the university trying to ebay the scoreboard at kinnick stadium for money... guess no pawnshop would take it.
funniest wager of the year - kyle betting that clark couldnt go a month without sex. we were going to start an online pool with friends all over the country. but clark couldnt make it a full week before he lost. clarks revenge was betting kyle that he couldnt score in a month's time. and for some reason no one took that serious.
friends trend of the year - getting engaged/married. seriously... you people are my friends and all.... but fucking stop it already!
funniest joke i heard - "who is the RBI leader on the Blue Jays this year? --- WHO FUCKING CARES, THE BLUE JAYS ARE TERRIBLE"
funniest inside joke - jimmy bought bunnies. heh. "jimmy and the bunnies"
best picture i took - maybe the one of the eagle-statue with the spyder in its mouth, that had covered it in cobwebs. or one of Jwr doing the apple trick... i still laugh looking at that one.
hottest girl i saw - that one chick at the green room. on like a thursday night in february. i stopped to see a friends band, and she was all retro punkish dressed up. with like those big pink kids sunglasses with smoke lenses in them... strawberry shortcake ones i recall. anyhows.. she had red and blonde streaked hair... huge rack. but was scrawny, wearing a lacey red brasier and some ultra micro black vinyl skirt and ho neon green fishnets. she didnt wear shit under that skirt! [ill say she had no fear of razor burn.. and i leave it at that]
angriest i got all year - nearly hitting a fucking pack of deer at like 1am one rainy night... i slid off the road. i got out. took out my trench shovel and chased three deer across a farm field, screaming the whole way. i ended up wet and muddy up to my knees, with no deer killed.
most scared i was all year - in that field with three ton-wieght buffalo running me down. for about 3 minutes, i was kinda worried if i was going to make it back to the car... or if the car would stop them. this car of old people were even screaming at me. fun shit tho.
worst pickup line i attempted - during the Battle i mc'd; my voice was trashed, i was tired, been drinking all night, and at 1am i asked these two cute girls that had been smilling at me and following me; "if youre 18, we can go fuck in the bathroom; its ok to do that at a metal show." they both kinda looked down and got all nervous. i laughed... made some excuse, and told them it was a joke.. the bartender and i laughed. the one gave a puzzled look, the other said "it was a.. joke?" then i asked when their parents were coming to pick them up. the one said; "in about 10 minutes" they really were like 15 i bet.
most rewarding moment - shutting down an old friend from high school, when she brought up an random IM rant about some Hemmingway passage. she always thought that i never read "great" litterature, but i proved i read it better than she did.
biggest secret i kept all last year - that one weekend when everyone was at my place right before school started, rabbit and i were drunk and ended up in bed together. no sex occured! we had fun, we laughed and we talked, we listened to matt barf up his guts all night long, beligerently moaning complaints about drinking to andrea. the next day steph went out of her way to come back and talk to me and we had an awkward conversation about what happened. and i felt really guilty about how i didnt handle that situation correctly. i know i could have had a closer friend out of the deal. but i didnt say anything to her. and now like year and a half later we dont even talk really. so i never really told any one about what happened. besides. everyone just would have presumed we screwed. so it wasnt even worth bringing up.
worst mistake i made at work - being nice and putting a typewritter ribbon in for an old man. i typed on it. it worked. we both laughed. he left. he called and bitched a week later that i did it wrong and then somehow broke his typewritter; despite it working for week [at his own admission]. he bitched. and he bitched. and he swore at me. and demanded a new fucking typewritter for free. that 3 dollar ribbon, eventually cost my store like 200 bucks. they gave him credit for a new typewritter, paper, and several ribbons. although i did nothing wrong; i now refuse to help customers like that because of that mistake.
..... so what do i look forward to in 2005?
. ill graduate. FINALLY.
. ill get a job. because ill have to pay for said college.
. i WILL NOT put in typewritter ribbons. all aarp members can eat my shit.
. ill have to sit through more weddings for my friends. maybe even babysit for them.
. i will never be seen at a Nightwish concert.
. i wont let andrea tell us to buy so much Beast Ice next time.
. i will talk to people about things, instead of saying nothing, starting with Rabbit.
. i wont chase buffalo... and ill be more selective about chasing deer.
. i wont hold these "marriage" things against Britney Spears when shes all teary eyed and knocking at my door some night.
. i will remember that ebay kept my alma mater afloat. barely.
. i will call in sick at work to see that metal show, 6 hours away or not.
. maybe ill realize i need to stop deluding myself. i am single. hopelessly. and maybe ill stop being angry about it; and just take it as it is...
. ill try to find a way to get Ronnie James Dio to autograph something for me.
. andrea and i can never let coach get "... this drunk ever. *barf* again"
. i will travel more. i want to. i want to go to a state in the country out west. and i want to camp out under the stars. and i dont think a hotel will count.
. i vow to take more and better pictures. of real eagles. dead ones even. but just more in general. to have something to remember my years by.
. ill give diet soda a try. its going to be hard.
. if i ever see that girl at the library again; ill ask her if her heart is still broken. if i see that girl at the Green Room again; ill ask her if she shaves with the grain or against.
. i wont make lude comments to 15 year old girls. i know jwr. this is makes you sad. 16 year olds are fair game.!
. ill stop talking about 'Jimmy and the bunnies'. i will use more office humor relating to, but not limited to 'Pig Benis', 'how is the treadmill TJ?, 'i should go as Bike Guy for halloween', and "like shane says 'i would ravage any butthole '"
. ill bet on kyle to win. if it ever happens.
. i resolve to only eat at the following places, with fruity shit on the walls; Chili's, Bennigans, TGI Fridays, Fudruckers, Cheddars. since there is such a shortage of places like this, i must reserve my attention to only the best.
. i will force an attempt not to criticize fashionably hip wears in public.... for several minutes.... or will try, in earnest, to dislodge my rants before they occur in me being asked to leave JC Pennys again.
. i will make someone else my slave on a trip back from mason city, and force the to listen to me, and see if i can make them a friend for life too.
. in all... i just am going to try hard to make 2005 memorable for me. one of my last few years, i can claim being young anymore. and when i turn 24 on january 6th; i will know that i am now closer to being 30 years old, than i will ever be closer to being in high school anymore. i hope a job i get wont suck too much. or it pays well. and maybe ill figure some other things out along the way.
----//s.//----
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Dio - The Last In Line
well ive been home for yet another xmas. didnt get much. didnt ask for anything really. the most nifty thing i think i got, was a new recordplayer. yes, recordplayer. ive wanted one for quite some time; much more so than the handmedown one of my parents childhood... which... legitimately is 40 years old. it just didnt play much very well; and the needle is broken on it; and damn near impossible to find. so i got that. its quite nice looking. very handsome wood detail in the cabinet. also has a cd player and radio built into the side. but all i really wanted it for was just the turn table. just something to play my small collection of vinyl on.
oh and i got socks. several pairs of heavy wieght wool ones. again, something i did ask for. most people dont ask for socks. i do.
but thats about it. everyone in the family complained how i didnt want anything and how hard it was to buy something for me. i told them just not to get anything. its cheaper. sitting around a home and eating good food was more than enough for me. besides, once pressed, i reminded them the few things i really wanted this year, they cant buy me.
1. instant dept eradication. school loans and others.
2. instant acceptance into next years class at public law school.
3. a woman.
none of which are purchaseable. nor are they guarantees. and i guess thats why ive stopped asking for things any more. ive gotten 2 rejections from law schools so far. i just am not going to make a cut based on my gpa. seems like all the schools are just jammed with applicants, and mine is just going to get tossed in favor of some chinese kid with a 4.24 gpa. regardless if the kid cant speak english, couldnt find kentucky on a map, or have ever thought about practicing law; that kid is going to beat me, and get a shitload of money to go to law school this fall. and im going to be somewhere. not here. not there either.
now why is it so difficult for a rental company to plow? i mean jesus fucking shit. they havent plowed shit out in the lot. [the city has plowed everything to the curb quite nicely] {{iowa city didnt bother to plow any streets, nor clear any walks}}; and now this company is just throwing salt on it. no plow blade. no shovels. just throw salt on it. i swear to god these people are just daft. just throw salt on it. the walks are slick and shitty. snow is everywhere. but they just throw salt on it.
atleast i cleaned up around here. nothing on the floor. 3 bags of trash i chucked. vacuumed. dishes done. tomorrow ill do the bathroom. and laundry. ill sleep in some too. bout time this vacation shit pays off for me. no work all week for me. staples is paying me to stay away. isnt it nice? it only took 45 weeks for me to use my 1 week of vacation, since i got it in like march. sigh. and now its so shitty on the secondary roads i dont dare drive anywhere. so im stuck around the house. cleaning things. how boring. doesnt seem like anyone is in town. for that matter, iowa city seems to have emptied out entirely. no barf puddles in the snow out and around town this morning when i drove through. thats got to be a first. although, im sure someone; somewhere, puked on some stretch of grass in this town. it just wouldnt be a holiday without kids vomitting 5 dollar cups of cheep beer across a sidewalk without it.
dammit. they are just throwing salt everywhere! some of it is bouncing off the metal awning below my window. and why. the salt is just going to get ground to dust by cars. it wont melt shit; and tomorrow when it warms up and the sun is out, all the important shit will melt. REGARDLESS of piles of salt everywhere.
stupid fucking salt.
well ive been home for yet another xmas. didnt get much. didnt ask for anything really. the most nifty thing i think i got, was a new recordplayer. yes, recordplayer. ive wanted one for quite some time; much more so than the handmedown one of my parents childhood... which... legitimately is 40 years old. it just didnt play much very well; and the needle is broken on it; and damn near impossible to find. so i got that. its quite nice looking. very handsome wood detail in the cabinet. also has a cd player and radio built into the side. but all i really wanted it for was just the turn table. just something to play my small collection of vinyl on.
oh and i got socks. several pairs of heavy wieght wool ones. again, something i did ask for. most people dont ask for socks. i do.
but thats about it. everyone in the family complained how i didnt want anything and how hard it was to buy something for me. i told them just not to get anything. its cheaper. sitting around a home and eating good food was more than enough for me. besides, once pressed, i reminded them the few things i really wanted this year, they cant buy me.
1. instant dept eradication. school loans and others.
2. instant acceptance into next years class at public law school.
3. a woman.
none of which are purchaseable. nor are they guarantees. and i guess thats why ive stopped asking for things any more. ive gotten 2 rejections from law schools so far. i just am not going to make a cut based on my gpa. seems like all the schools are just jammed with applicants, and mine is just going to get tossed in favor of some chinese kid with a 4.24 gpa. regardless if the kid cant speak english, couldnt find kentucky on a map, or have ever thought about practicing law; that kid is going to beat me, and get a shitload of money to go to law school this fall. and im going to be somewhere. not here. not there either.
now why is it so difficult for a rental company to plow? i mean jesus fucking shit. they havent plowed shit out in the lot. [the city has plowed everything to the curb quite nicely] {{iowa city didnt bother to plow any streets, nor clear any walks}}; and now this company is just throwing salt on it. no plow blade. no shovels. just throw salt on it. i swear to god these people are just daft. just throw salt on it. the walks are slick and shitty. snow is everywhere. but they just throw salt on it.
atleast i cleaned up around here. nothing on the floor. 3 bags of trash i chucked. vacuumed. dishes done. tomorrow ill do the bathroom. and laundry. ill sleep in some too. bout time this vacation shit pays off for me. no work all week for me. staples is paying me to stay away. isnt it nice? it only took 45 weeks for me to use my 1 week of vacation, since i got it in like march. sigh. and now its so shitty on the secondary roads i dont dare drive anywhere. so im stuck around the house. cleaning things. how boring. doesnt seem like anyone is in town. for that matter, iowa city seems to have emptied out entirely. no barf puddles in the snow out and around town this morning when i drove through. thats got to be a first. although, im sure someone; somewhere, puked on some stretch of grass in this town. it just wouldnt be a holiday without kids vomitting 5 dollar cups of cheep beer across a sidewalk without it.
dammit. they are just throwing salt everywhere! some of it is bouncing off the metal awning below my window. and why. the salt is just going to get ground to dust by cars. it wont melt shit; and tomorrow when it warms up and the sun is out, all the important shit will melt. REGARDLESS of piles of salt everywhere.
stupid fucking salt.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
wow. coolness happens.
"This heal made it through 2 shows, it died after that"
"Charlie Bennate"
"W.C.F.Y.A." (We've Come For You All)
ill tell you what... anthrax cant get any cooler. you write to them, talk to the band members about stuff, what do they do? turn around and blow me away... charlie said he'd do something for me; i was expecting a pick or a picture even.... not a fuckin tour used drum head, with autographs! fuckin-a. anthrax is the shit man.
s.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Dime.
Current Musical Selection: Pantera - The Floods
and im not sure how i feel. i never met the man... i never knew him at all... i heard him play one time, a long time ago. but i own every cd. i waited anxiously for the Damageplan record to come out. posters on the wall. and now Dime is dead. i dont play guitar. that doesnt mean i dont understand a few things about the instrument, or how its played. and i know enough that he was different. very different. he had an undeniable talent. he had a desire to be the best. and he carried the attitude of any real man as he did it. being a rock star meant he had time for what he wanted to do. it went to his head, and it never left his mind about what he did. this is a guy that would sit down and sign autographs for hours, hand out his own beer to people waiting in line; just because he wanted it that way. he didnt need to convice people to be a fan of his. it just happened that way. then i come home today, and read in the news that hes dead. and i dont understand it. i cant cry over it. and yet i cant feel the opposite extreme of nothing. its... somewhere in between. im just not sure how i feel. im not happy about it. this is a guy who should still be shredding for another 40 years. and now hes gone. he is the tony iommi of this generation, when it comes to talent, recognition, and innovation; he is The Man of heavy metal guitar work. everyone copied a lick or two from him. and he just smiled and laughed about it. his passion was just to one up them all on the next record. god. isnt that the way to be? so. Dime. as a fan i listened to youre stuff since i was 14. i cant even count how many times i drove around listening to Trendkill, or Vulgar just killing time. i dunno how many times ive been pissed off to the max, and just fucking blared Fucking Hostile, Sandblasted Skin.. songs i know every riff to, every note. and they all meant something. wherever you are man.... keep shredding. someday well all get to hear that next lick you came up with...
Damageplan website
Vinne and Dime's website
Pantera website
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
seems as though ive fallen into a ramen noodle kick again... this time its the cup format... especially this particular variety; "lime chili with shrimp". ive heard from several people how this sounds terrible, but ive got to say.... its quite tasty. much more so than the "hot and spicy" ramen... which wasnt... the plain chili ramen isnt bad... but this does have a bit of lime flavor. its spice-full... not spicey as in hot... its just got several flavors. all in all... it tastes like it ought to cost more than 18 cents for this thing.... it has to... doesnt it? some fucking china based company cant really be making these things and selling them for 18 cents a cup at a PROFIT, can they? with import fees, taxation and shipping costs... how can this be 18 cents and still profitable... and retain the qualities of deliciousness..... i dont see how. i just dont. i mean, i can walk down the street, barter with some corn growing local man; whose field i can seen from my windows.... and couldnt get him to give me a cup full of corn for 18 cents, no way! and thats just raw corn. one commodity, no processing, just throw corn in a cup. how can this ramen thing get made in japan or wherethehellever, packaged, shipped, importated, warehoused, distributed, marked up at retail price, and sold.... for 18 cents.. 18 cents! its maddness. fruit costs about a buck a pound.... maybe a bit less.... but to do that, it goes through hell... tomatoes have to ripen in trucks on the way to the supermarkets.... they get grown in such volume, soaking up chemical fertilizer to grow quickly enough that they become worth more than the water they have to invest in growing them, and rush them to market to sell at a buck a pound or less. and during 99.9% of the year, they sell at like 3 dollars per pound because of the growing season. ramen cant have a growing season. so how? how is ramen always cheap, always in season, and always changing? its got to be a miracle. it has to be the answer to the hunger shortage of the world.... why are we giving starving africans sacks of flour and wheat... give them crates of ramen! imagine if the volumed consumed worldwide would triple, over night... what if the price of ramen went through the floor! 3 cents... 7 cents... its rediculous to think that if they can make it this cheap, why not 3 cents or 7 cents... and how could that be any more expensive than a sack of corn... that we give away.... if all these starving people just ate ramen... they wouldnt starve!!! and they could afford housing... medicine... sewer systems... and shit like that. why??? what could be wrong with this????
Monday, November 29, 2004
yikes.. has it really been a month since i posted? ... eeesh. i should say something..
not alot going on... hence the lack of writting... my parents are getting weird/wired... mom decided she wanted a laptop computer. it was pretty out of the blue. i heard about it for a week or so. then they buy a dvd burner, out of the blue. then on black friday they go out and get a laptop from staples. yay. ill never see it. but its still kinda odd that all of the sudden shes got the rush for geekdom. they decided the tv wasnt good enough, replaced it. dumped cable tv. bought satelite. junked dial up, got dsl. all the things that were there when i was growing up.. atleast as far as technology.... theyve dumped and made serious upgrades on. nifty. here i sit. i dont even have a tv in my living room. for all the music in my collection; i have no stereo. all the technology i deal with every day, and i keep my notes in a small coil notebook. my telephone is 5 years old. my cellphone is just toenails deep into the new millenium. yet im the technology person in the family. not any more i suppose.
it finnally snowed last night. finally. it was a month overdue. nothing stuck. at one point at 5am we had a good 2 inches on the ground... but it turned to slush before i could take a lunch break. its too bad. wished i had the day off. i wanted nothing more than some sweet solace alone in the fresh snow. following tracks. taking pictures. just enjoying a crisp morning snowfall. the first of the year. instead i sat at staples. dealing with some dried up hag bitching at me because she didnt have any clue about the difference in DVD-R and DVD+R formats; nor what she needed. she seemed much more interested in drinking her coffee. which i despise with deep thrumbling veins of hatred; the shit-sniffing public thinking they are entitled to meander around with food and drink everywhere... being rude to anyone and everything as they drop, spill, and leave the remants in the stores. she did dump her coffee too. all over my floor. in my department. which i polished an hour before hand. no appologies, she just shrugged and took the cheapest packs of DVDs we had, and left. ... .... ...... ....... ........ ....... .......... like i said. i just wanted to be outside today.
i got another invite to a couples only type deal. not thrilled about the excuse ill have to make up for it. its some holiday get together. i just would rather save myself the embarrassment of showing up single. as usual. its hosted by a married couple. and from what i hear, everyone going is coupled with someone. except me. i can imagine my fun; sitting in a corner... or maybe even more uncomfortably, smashed between couples that talk to each other, or past me. just leaving me out of it. talk about things like doing each others laundry.... making house payments... having kids... planning weddings.... having real jobs.... i sip a drink every 14 seconds to keep from looking sooo amused. and ill progressively expand my search for heavier, and more brutal alchol concoctions. yes. sounds *fun* can't wait.
i really just wanted to walk around in the snow. was that too much to ask?
not alot going on... hence the lack of writting... my parents are getting weird/wired... mom decided she wanted a laptop computer. it was pretty out of the blue. i heard about it for a week or so. then they buy a dvd burner, out of the blue. then on black friday they go out and get a laptop from staples. yay. ill never see it. but its still kinda odd that all of the sudden shes got the rush for geekdom. they decided the tv wasnt good enough, replaced it. dumped cable tv. bought satelite. junked dial up, got dsl. all the things that were there when i was growing up.. atleast as far as technology.... theyve dumped and made serious upgrades on. nifty. here i sit. i dont even have a tv in my living room. for all the music in my collection; i have no stereo. all the technology i deal with every day, and i keep my notes in a small coil notebook. my telephone is 5 years old. my cellphone is just toenails deep into the new millenium. yet im the technology person in the family. not any more i suppose.
it finnally snowed last night. finally. it was a month overdue. nothing stuck. at one point at 5am we had a good 2 inches on the ground... but it turned to slush before i could take a lunch break. its too bad. wished i had the day off. i wanted nothing more than some sweet solace alone in the fresh snow. following tracks. taking pictures. just enjoying a crisp morning snowfall. the first of the year. instead i sat at staples. dealing with some dried up hag bitching at me because she didnt have any clue about the difference in DVD-R and DVD+R formats; nor what she needed. she seemed much more interested in drinking her coffee. which i despise with deep thrumbling veins of hatred; the shit-sniffing public thinking they are entitled to meander around with food and drink everywhere... being rude to anyone and everything as they drop, spill, and leave the remants in the stores. she did dump her coffee too. all over my floor. in my department. which i polished an hour before hand. no appologies, she just shrugged and took the cheapest packs of DVDs we had, and left. ... .... ...... ....... ........ ....... .......... like i said. i just wanted to be outside today.
i got another invite to a couples only type deal. not thrilled about the excuse ill have to make up for it. its some holiday get together. i just would rather save myself the embarrassment of showing up single. as usual. its hosted by a married couple. and from what i hear, everyone going is coupled with someone. except me. i can imagine my fun; sitting in a corner... or maybe even more uncomfortably, smashed between couples that talk to each other, or past me. just leaving me out of it. talk about things like doing each others laundry.... making house payments... having kids... planning weddings.... having real jobs.... i sip a drink every 14 seconds to keep from looking sooo amused. and ill progressively expand my search for heavier, and more brutal alchol concoctions. yes. sounds *fun* can't wait.
i really just wanted to walk around in the snow. was that too much to ask?
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Tool - Die Eier Von Satan
oh my friends.
this was probably the worst weekend in history. for once i get a 3 day pass... and im sick. for all of it. ear infections are no fun. nor are crippling, pain induced spasms and loss of equilibrium. that being said. i promptly pissed on the bathroom floor [missing the toilet] fell into the bathtub. stumbled going into the living room, then fell into my chair, breaking it. i wish i could say i was heroic and save a maiden in distress.... or was atleast wasted off my ass. no such luck. just was so screwed up i couldnt stand up or walk. then i blacked out for several hours. mix and repeat generously, and that was my weekend.
...
....
...
..
.
so then i dug out some dvds.
i watched Suicide Kings for the first time. its not that bad. the first few minutes had me thinking it would be a totally different [and better!] movie than it turned out to be. but it was worth the 4 bucks i got it for at wallmart. the no name actors, plus jay mohr and christopher walken make up the cast... i hate jay mohr. his acting is just like he is in person. walken saves more of the movie than he should. dennis leary is, again, just like he is in person doing standup, which didnt fit well... but i loved him as a hit man in this. yet, its a who dunnit movie. just from a screwed up angle. it tries to have a message. but in the end, everyone is paint on the cement when walken is done with them. its worth a rent, .... on night where there isnt much else to get; or your list is pretty well exhausted with out of stocks. not a bad movie. but not a top tier.
Black Fist folks was my winner! 80 minutes of pure shit. blaxsploitation film genre filmed in the mid 1970s... richard lawson as a street fighter recruited by the mob to fight for money... dabney coleman as a crooked cop on the take, trying to stop the pure black man from making his dreams come true, and ofcourse, we have hte mob. i spent 2 hours coming up with that plot. its more effort than the director an writters spent on it. its a shit bomb in the porcelain kids, but this one is still twitchin' . its three shitty movies in one. first its like watching someone play street fighter on nintendo, in 70s clothing, with less plot interaction; then it becomes a terrible mob movie; doing what the godfather could not [ie - SUCK MAJOR ASS], then its also part of a vendetta movie like [Payback with mel gibson], just done shitty as possible. the movie left me in tears from hysteria. litterally. i shut the movie off to gain composure so i wouldnt miss stuff. turns out it did no good. the film just skips around making no sense. the end is possibly the worst ive ever seen in a movie. the film making is terrible. every fight has 3 camera angles which are randomly switched between. fake blood abounds. everyone has to get mutilated some how. and many of our favorite stereotypes are always at work in this movie...
never trust cops.
the mob is always the one that puts bombs in peoples cars.
black people always aspire to have a life of education, travel, and owning a disco club.
mob underbosses know karate when they need it.
best friends always die by the mob hits.
black men having relationships with 2 black women isnt wrong, but a white man having one with ONE of THOSE black women IS wrong.
football helmet afros really were in style for some reason.
more plaid pants make more colorful shots.
middle aged women love to pay to see illegal black street fights.
.
aside from that, its got creative [read: very poor ] camear angles, tons of ingenious [read: forgettable if used] scripting, and a timeless [read: less time spent on] plot line. the bottom line is. if you like to see a Brother beatin' back whitey and the man, and dont care about how much sense it needs to make, or even if the Brother does a very good job of it...... then this movie is for you! come over, ill be happy to play this one! A+ 2 boob shots, cameras centered and waiting for them.... many fights.... lots of "honkey and jive-nigguh" lingo.... nifty outfits... a 7 minute pointless scene at a disco.... a mexican getting beat up by the mob AND the brother... and other assorted gems. come see Fightin' Leroy Fisk... in ....................
B L A C K F I S T (1975)
oh my friends.
this was probably the worst weekend in history. for once i get a 3 day pass... and im sick. for all of it. ear infections are no fun. nor are crippling, pain induced spasms and loss of equilibrium. that being said. i promptly pissed on the bathroom floor [missing the toilet] fell into the bathtub. stumbled going into the living room, then fell into my chair, breaking it. i wish i could say i was heroic and save a maiden in distress.... or was atleast wasted off my ass. no such luck. just was so screwed up i couldnt stand up or walk. then i blacked out for several hours. mix and repeat generously, and that was my weekend.
...
....
...
..
.
so then i dug out some dvds.
i watched Suicide Kings for the first time. its not that bad. the first few minutes had me thinking it would be a totally different [and better!] movie than it turned out to be. but it was worth the 4 bucks i got it for at wallmart. the no name actors, plus jay mohr and christopher walken make up the cast... i hate jay mohr. his acting is just like he is in person. walken saves more of the movie than he should. dennis leary is, again, just like he is in person doing standup, which didnt fit well... but i loved him as a hit man in this. yet, its a who dunnit movie. just from a screwed up angle. it tries to have a message. but in the end, everyone is paint on the cement when walken is done with them. its worth a rent, .... on night where there isnt much else to get; or your list is pretty well exhausted with out of stocks. not a bad movie. but not a top tier.
Black Fist folks was my winner! 80 minutes of pure shit. blaxsploitation film genre filmed in the mid 1970s... richard lawson as a street fighter recruited by the mob to fight for money... dabney coleman as a crooked cop on the take, trying to stop the pure black man from making his dreams come true, and ofcourse, we have hte mob. i spent 2 hours coming up with that plot. its more effort than the director an writters spent on it. its a shit bomb in the porcelain kids, but this one is still twitchin' . its three shitty movies in one. first its like watching someone play street fighter on nintendo, in 70s clothing, with less plot interaction; then it becomes a terrible mob movie; doing what the godfather could not [ie - SUCK MAJOR ASS], then its also part of a vendetta movie like [Payback with mel gibson], just done shitty as possible. the movie left me in tears from hysteria. litterally. i shut the movie off to gain composure so i wouldnt miss stuff. turns out it did no good. the film just skips around making no sense. the end is possibly the worst ive ever seen in a movie. the film making is terrible. every fight has 3 camera angles which are randomly switched between. fake blood abounds. everyone has to get mutilated some how. and many of our favorite stereotypes are always at work in this movie...
never trust cops.
the mob is always the one that puts bombs in peoples cars.
black people always aspire to have a life of education, travel, and owning a disco club.
mob underbosses know karate when they need it.
best friends always die by the mob hits.
black men having relationships with 2 black women isnt wrong, but a white man having one with ONE of THOSE black women IS wrong.
football helmet afros really were in style for some reason.
more plaid pants make more colorful shots.
middle aged women love to pay to see illegal black street fights.
.
aside from that, its got creative [read: very poor ] camear angles, tons of ingenious [read: forgettable if used] scripting, and a timeless [read: less time spent on] plot line. the bottom line is. if you like to see a Brother beatin' back whitey and the man, and dont care about how much sense it needs to make, or even if the Brother does a very good job of it...... then this movie is for you! come over, ill be happy to play this one! A+ 2 boob shots, cameras centered and waiting for them.... many fights.... lots of "honkey and jive-nigguh" lingo.... nifty outfits... a 7 minute pointless scene at a disco.... a mexican getting beat up by the mob AND the brother... and other assorted gems. come see Fightin' Leroy Fisk... in ....................
B L A C K F I S T (1975)
Monday, October 25, 2004
all i can say is, with a 2-0 game lead, the 'Sox ought to win this one. and im glad. id be just as glad if it were the other way around, as long as the best record in baseball's regular season doesnt mean squat in the post season. while we'd all like to know that the best team in each league is going at it... that doesnt always translate into an ordinal grouping by win/loss columns. on paper, in run production especially... st louis is a stronger team to favor. but. the nl central was pretty weak this year. where as the al east is pretty well contended every year. besides, how many times did the cardinals play the yankees??? yeah.. with the richest payroll in the game, they are a team that year in and year out buys out talent from everyone else.. not to win.. but to keep others from winning, making them win. and the Sox out lasted that. its a great story. one id like to see the Red Sox give a happy ending too. oh. and i do hate the cardinals.
other random thoughts.
i wish people held real jobs, all the college friends of mine have no idea what a real job is like... to work it while putting yourself through school. cafeteria isnt a real job. uni library isnt real job. try going out in the real job market, getting a job, being responsible for a company's assets.. and prove to them you can convert that into a profit. its much more difficult than people realize, then trying to just change a shirt and sit in a chair, and feel completely motivated in both worlds, once back in the classroom is not so simple. as much as i loathe the work environment im in, i detest the principles of the modern college teaching approach in america more. but ive done well, ive missed 2 classes all semester... both on account of work and not being able to leave, not that i didnt want to go. both times homework was done, in my bag; just i never got to leave on time to get to class ----- people younger than me should shut their mouths, and take some ques from someone who has been around the block about these things. ---- cars with tire gashes big enough to stick your palm in, should be leaking air... but curiously... arent. ----- sometimes i miss being a kid at home, especially when the weather changes. ive always felt much more comfortable at home, in a warm house, with my parents around, than here in the cold apartment by myself. i guess it was the simple things i took for granted growing up ----- the price of gasoline is rediculous. its gone up about 20 cents in two weeks. its still cheaper than what it is in 90% of the world... and yes, even soda is still a bit cheaper in this country; per gallon, than gasoline; yet that doesnt at all make it right for a 15% hike in two weeks time. also add in that oil production went UP at the last cartel/opec meeting. ----- election season has grown old on me. ive tired of the radio ads, print ads, web ads, spam ads, phone spam ads, etc. really... is any amout of advertisement really going to change people's minds about voting bush or kerry at this point. i remember reading some study in an intro class long, long ago about how early on people actually make their decision in elections. kinda wonder how true that really is, or how pointless all this advertising really is. ----- i cant remember the last time i wore tennis shoes. i saw my pair in the bedroom today, and they have dust on them. DUST. ----- my blog now has 206 posts. crazy. i remember the night i made the first post. and its turned into this long, turning ramble of a thread. ----- never stick your finger between a safe door and its frame. when the safe weighs like 600 pounds.. the door prolly weights 60... a finger bone isnt all that much to stop it when you get it wedged like a door stop between the two. yes it fucking hurts. yes, i have a crease in my finger from it ----- frozen windows suck asss. scraping windows is something ill never miss about winter.. or driving like Ace Ventura when you finally say, fuckit and give up scraping. ----- i thought pimpels went away after like 14. i feel like such a retard with this one on my shoulder that i found in the shower today. ----- why make scented toilet paper? i mean, its not going to make a difference in the ambient smell; and why change the scent of shit.... unless you plan on doing something with said beautified shit.... then thats really messed up too. ----- 3 cheers for the lady having her baby at work. henry james was 8 some odd pounds. hes a little bugger. always gets me how small the fingernails are on newborns. like the size of a pin head. incredible. also like kids who have hair when they are born. equally perplexing is why it falls out in a month ----- 12 cans of beer scarcely lasted me 3 days. i dont remember drinking it all. ----- why is it the one raging hot girl you know, always ends up hating you the most? shell talk to anyone and everyone else, flirt away with them all... but when i come around its; "what." "do you want something, or what" ouch. ----- for that matter, how is it EVERY girl i know seems to hate me deeply? i cant remember the last date i was on.... cant remember the last time a girl smiled at me out of genuine feeling... nor can i remember how i did it. some days i just want to die. atleast id never have any more expectations to try to fill, only to be unable to fill them. i think everyone else my age is on that road to marriage... and here i am trying to remember what the hell i did to make a girl smile at me the last time.... *sigh* it hurts some times. ------ why is it i keep rethinking what you said to me, years later now? why do i care so much? and why dont i care about other things? and how come i still feel like i was short changed for being written off; yet i was prepared to write you off and you beat me to it? ----- cooking is simple. who cant handle this? i mean, really noodles into hot water. pour on sauce. really, spagetti isnt tough; how do you muck it all up? or claim not to know how to do it?
---// rambles //---
other random thoughts.
i wish people held real jobs, all the college friends of mine have no idea what a real job is like... to work it while putting yourself through school. cafeteria isnt a real job. uni library isnt real job. try going out in the real job market, getting a job, being responsible for a company's assets.. and prove to them you can convert that into a profit. its much more difficult than people realize, then trying to just change a shirt and sit in a chair, and feel completely motivated in both worlds, once back in the classroom is not so simple. as much as i loathe the work environment im in, i detest the principles of the modern college teaching approach in america more. but ive done well, ive missed 2 classes all semester... both on account of work and not being able to leave, not that i didnt want to go. both times homework was done, in my bag; just i never got to leave on time to get to class ----- people younger than me should shut their mouths, and take some ques from someone who has been around the block about these things. ---- cars with tire gashes big enough to stick your palm in, should be leaking air... but curiously... arent. ----- sometimes i miss being a kid at home, especially when the weather changes. ive always felt much more comfortable at home, in a warm house, with my parents around, than here in the cold apartment by myself. i guess it was the simple things i took for granted growing up ----- the price of gasoline is rediculous. its gone up about 20 cents in two weeks. its still cheaper than what it is in 90% of the world... and yes, even soda is still a bit cheaper in this country; per gallon, than gasoline; yet that doesnt at all make it right for a 15% hike in two weeks time. also add in that oil production went UP at the last cartel/opec meeting. ----- election season has grown old on me. ive tired of the radio ads, print ads, web ads, spam ads, phone spam ads, etc. really... is any amout of advertisement really going to change people's minds about voting bush or kerry at this point. i remember reading some study in an intro class long, long ago about how early on people actually make their decision in elections. kinda wonder how true that really is, or how pointless all this advertising really is. ----- i cant remember the last time i wore tennis shoes. i saw my pair in the bedroom today, and they have dust on them. DUST. ----- my blog now has 206 posts. crazy. i remember the night i made the first post. and its turned into this long, turning ramble of a thread. ----- never stick your finger between a safe door and its frame. when the safe weighs like 600 pounds.. the door prolly weights 60... a finger bone isnt all that much to stop it when you get it wedged like a door stop between the two. yes it fucking hurts. yes, i have a crease in my finger from it ----- frozen windows suck asss. scraping windows is something ill never miss about winter.. or driving like Ace Ventura when you finally say, fuckit and give up scraping. ----- i thought pimpels went away after like 14. i feel like such a retard with this one on my shoulder that i found in the shower today. ----- why make scented toilet paper? i mean, its not going to make a difference in the ambient smell; and why change the scent of shit.... unless you plan on doing something with said beautified shit.... then thats really messed up too. ----- 3 cheers for the lady having her baby at work. henry james was 8 some odd pounds. hes a little bugger. always gets me how small the fingernails are on newborns. like the size of a pin head. incredible. also like kids who have hair when they are born. equally perplexing is why it falls out in a month ----- 12 cans of beer scarcely lasted me 3 days. i dont remember drinking it all. ----- why is it the one raging hot girl you know, always ends up hating you the most? shell talk to anyone and everyone else, flirt away with them all... but when i come around its; "what." "do you want something, or what" ouch. ----- for that matter, how is it EVERY girl i know seems to hate me deeply? i cant remember the last date i was on.... cant remember the last time a girl smiled at me out of genuine feeling... nor can i remember how i did it. some days i just want to die. atleast id never have any more expectations to try to fill, only to be unable to fill them. i think everyone else my age is on that road to marriage... and here i am trying to remember what the hell i did to make a girl smile at me the last time.... *sigh* it hurts some times. ------ why is it i keep rethinking what you said to me, years later now? why do i care so much? and why dont i care about other things? and how come i still feel like i was short changed for being written off; yet i was prepared to write you off and you beat me to it? ----- cooking is simple. who cant handle this? i mean, really noodles into hot water. pour on sauce. really, spagetti isnt tough; how do you muck it all up? or claim not to know how to do it?
---// rambles //---
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