I HATE THE GOD DAMNED DEER RUNNING AROUND OUT HERE

i thought id drive back into town to drop off my rent check so i wouldnt have to get up so early tomorrow... all well and good until i hit deer alley. im doing 40 in 55 to watch for them.. see one.... drop to 20.... it stops and stands in the middle of the road. i hit the brakes and try to stop in about 10 feet. it walks to the left side of the road as i swerve right. just in time to see 4 more wandering up from right side from a blind corner full of trees by the Reservoir sign... so i slam the gas, drop shit, swing wide left to make it around them , hop on the brakes and realize im not stopping this time, all that wet asphalt isnt giving me any grip...i end up slidding off the edge of the road about 3 feet from a fence line. i look back and see the deer just standing in the middle of the road, looking back at me.

fucking deer.

Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Absinthe With Faust

well i didnt really watch the entire debate tonight. however. im going to call it in favor of kerry. while both seemed to rely on their rehearsed tag lines.. [bushes fountain and the valley of peace - one tends to stand out], it wasnt nearly as good as i had hoped. more of a degenerative, high browed; you do this, and youre wrong, time-structured-argument. i think the questions over nuclear powers were very 1960's ish and not worth our time.... seriously. how few voters would actually be affected by information like that.... besides which; its pretty clear who favors what stance before you even have to ask a question like that... regardless... all of the talk about multilateral talks is backwards to me. ive always been a firm believer in confronting my problems myself. as it stands, bringing 6 nations to sit down to discuss 1 or 2 nations issues is really showing alot of fear towards that nation. and the reality of the situation is; that at current course north korea will dissappear as a viable nation in the next generation or two if it stays at this course. barring some desparation attack, or pact for success... as a country shes sunk. id never waste the time paying lip service to a nation thats not worth the chapstick... so to speak... besides which, all this talk of multinational anything drives me up a wall. this is a world of nations, not of perpetual treaties, mutual self defense pledges, and non functional international committees on items.... you dont like that my country has, for 70 years, harnessed the power of the atom, send an emissary to talk it over. its not changing my vote. not that it would have. kerry isnt getting it. and so far, im not satisfied enough to vote bush. hes on his legs as a war president. all things considered, hes a tough sell on much else than that. forget that he created new jobs; people still hang the past couple of difficult years on him, economically, atleast. the war isnt nearly as divisive, to me, as are certain other policies skirtted in under the hem of war time preparations... chiefly the far reaching and deep pocketed exceptions found in the USA Patriot Act and similar "terror stopping" articles of legislation. all of which are slowly being used against american citizens, in non terror related proceedings. bush's stance on education irks me as well. i think most of my friends have heard my frank remarks on "national education policy/funding" and if you havent; sum it up as... NONE, it should all be axed. this No Child Left Behind bullshit isnt making the grades among educators or pupils, and its rather difficult to judge schools in a wealthy boston 'burb against schools in poor urban mississippi; and dice up funding based on that. id much rather let the states and local school districts decide best where money needs to go, and how to make adjustments in cirriculum. standardized testing is never the answer. even though its bushs' baby.... im sure shit-snorkelling kerry has a similarly asinine policy waiting in the wings. regardless, its a fact that kids still cant read in this country, have roofs that leak in classrooms, while other schools have marble floors and 3 story libraries. and lastly the entire iraq question better be finished now. watch it come up for another 20 minutes in every debate. but i think people have their opinions on it; listening to these two chatter on about it isnt going to change much. again, the fact is weve shipped home over 1000 caskets so far; and burried tens of thousands of iraqi people to make this thing happen. maybe we shouldnt have done it; but we are there now, and life is better because of it for the people of iraq. its like when the class bully breaks his arm riding his bike. everyone his happy and smirking about it... but very few kids had the balls to shove him over when he was riding past them. think about that france. kerry however is still wrong for america. this debate did nothing more than turn me off to entertaining his respect. well. no matter. there is no way in hell id ever vote for a multi-term mass. senator running for pres. the only slightly redeeming quality kerry has is edwards. who... even for a democrat, somehow strikes me right. he seems geinuine [more so than most politicians], but thats probably because hes still a new kid. sure, he likes those wacked out liberalist ideas... but he doesnt hold on to his guns on as much of it as im sure his party would like. so in my mind, tonights debate wasnt worth watching... however... its the vice presidential debate that interests me... im still leaning 3 party candidate this time around. maybe ill write Pat in again. maybe Keyes... but tonight just didnt really sell me on Bush, not enough to get a vote out of me. yet, he can rest assured, kerry will not get it either.

oh... and i guess Brit is married again.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2004-09-19-spears-wedding_x.htm

maybe when "its for love" it will make it longer than 50 hours.

but i hope not... i hope she does it again... ends up single... hating her life... decides to tour iowa for no appearant reason than to find a place to die.... and ends up shagging me for several years... that would be sweet. oooh sweet revenge.... id do her to something like Dimmu Borgir, or old school Iron Maiden.... yeah. that would be sweet. mmmm.. brittney.... captive sex slave... mmmmmm drooollll..........

droooooll.............

god i need a woman.

Current Musical Selection: The Eagles - Hotel California [live]

man.. its been a long night, allright i got thrown in jail at this party in malibu, and the cop was a total dickhead about it... so alright. could you just not play the Eagles..

well after 2 days of not having to work; i get to go straight back in to hell tomorrow. man. i cant wait. i believe i was called at home twice in two days; and people wonder why i have to check in on my days off. its quite pathetic. when i leave, everyone seems to forget how to do anything in my department. no one sells anything. freight is never finished. tags are missing. or wrong. and there is always; ALWAYS some stupid customer complaint that i have to deal with first thing. 2 days wasnt enough time off.

speaking of time off; i played DoD for the first time in nearly a month. besides being a bit rusty; i still managed to own several morons. there is just something about raping people with the garand... being tk'd for the high number of kills; then takin a BAR and just pwn'ing all in sight before i discconect. my worst score, of 4 maps i played was 35 to 27. but i had 60 points in flag captures. its sad. no new maps. no nifty weapons. no wonder i stopped playing it. im not going to play a game to the point that i master it so minutely, that it would only be a matter of having enough ammunition. some guys on those maps were litterally picking head shots, on the run, at 50 yards with smg's. disgusting. quite the similar reason why i loathe counter... MONKEYstrike. i grew tired if being 1 shot with carbines from across a map, through a crack in doors about pixels wide while on the run. DoD is getting that way now. the only thing that keeps it interesting is revolving spawns. without that it would have gone the way of the ape shootout. sigh.


i so dont want to go into work tomorrow. i think im the only one opening with the manager, and i have to do TJ's job on top of mine all this week... ugh. i hate cycle counts. i hate outs walks. then i hate being mad about doing that and having to deal with the customers asshole questions as i do it. maybe it will be different. but lately the customers have gotten into this great habbit of arguing with us about any suggestions we make... typical situation:

"customers" -- me ((what i think to myself))

"hi; im looking for pens."
-- k, we have a big selection in aisle 6, about 2 aisles down ((look in aisle 6, not at me))
"well, they need to be red ink pens"
--ok, well we have probably 2 dozen kinds in red ink, let me get someone to help you then ((you arent looking in aisle 6 bitch... now i have to find a handler for you))
"and i read this article in ___(dumbass magazine)___ that says theives can steal your checks and remove all the information thats written in pen, so they need to be gel ink"
--well someone will be up here in a second, and well have several kinds of gel ink pens to show you ((so write in pencil for all i care))
"you dont seem to carry any of those check ink pens, do you?" [make sure they make up some name for them]
-- you know, i dont really know; i sell computers over here, ive got someone who deals with office supplies coming to help you with this (( i suppose youll have to use cash to buy shit now))
"how would you keep theives from stealing your checks without those special check ink pens?"
--im not sure, i guess i just wouldnt make out checks to any place that isnt reputable ((since there is no such thin i dont worry... but i just dont keep any money in my checking account... and for that matter i dont really have any money... none for checks... and none for special check ink pens... 20 bucks says she makes out a check to us for this 3 dollar pack of pens))
"well, do you know of a place that would have them?"
--im not even familiar with the product, let the office supply specialist talk to you about it; it could very well be a special order part ((look in your imagination, it seems well stocked with things that dont exist... ))
"well i know there is an office depot in town, can you give me directions?"
--no. ((just no. get out.))
"and why not, you obviously dont have them, why not just give me their phone number?"
--one, im not sure where its even at; two- its our policy not to refer people to direct competetors ((why dont you just leave and go there then))
"this is rediculous, i want to see your manager... this is the worst customer service ive ever had; all i want is a phone number and you wont tell me what it is"
--well ma'am carl here is going to help you with your pen problem ((im not a phone book, and besides you want pens that dont exist))


that happens atleast 100 times a day. oh. its going to be such a long day at work ....

...

...

Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine

its different, and i like it. generally im not a huge fan of stuff like Dimmu Borgir, or Cradle... yet these new songs intrigue me; like never before. i still hate Danni Filths troll on helium scratchy vocals, yet its interesting... its different. it sounds more epic. more... encompassing now. very full.

lately ive been running around alot. this has been about the most hectic week ive ever experienced at work. we were down two managers, and others... we had litterally, no one with keys that could close the store on two different nights... so we borrowed store managers from other stores; which cant be cheap; to do it. sales have been waaaaaaaaaay up; everywhere but electronics. which is getting set again this week. last week i came up almost 20 grand short in sales for where i needed to be. this week hasnt treated us much better. then today happened. if it couldnt get any worse... the one person with keys gets them stuck and broken in the fire door in the back of the store while getting the UPS deliveries... no keys now. plus we have a fire alarm door that keeps going off with a loud wail. then out of the fucking blue, the corporate loss prevention honcho for our area shows up; unannounced. shes back there raping us over the door and no one being out on the floor [again, we had 4 people working... two of us are dealing with this door problem...]; we get a phone call as three of us stare at the door... the district manager is on his way to our store. dammit. line 5 rings. i answer it. its one of the assisstant managers, her maternity doctors said shes done until after the baby. fuuuuck. then someone had the great idea to call the store general manager in. hes, ofcourse, unhappy... and also happens to be the one that doesnt deal with crisis well. he doesnt know LP or the district manager are going to be there. hillarities ensue! to make a short story of it... we ended up using a screwdriver, a hammer and some luck to get the alarm lock cover off... to find broken bits of the door latch inside. i walked out then. decided i could do more help on the floor... since we had 2 people out there. we got sliced apart on the LP walk of the store; the district manager was generally unhappy about our store numbers and lack of customer services [its hard with less than half the departments being staffed at any one time]. its was great. last i heard they were trying to remedy the problems of staffing *laughter* as well as necessary people with keys *more laughter* by *continuous laughing* trying to talk several people into the responsibility that cant point to their own asses even with their thumbs stuck in it. *dabbing away tears from laughter* this place just keeps getting better and better. when i tell customers its like a three ring circus... im being truthful... even though were so understaffed it would look like a one-triangle show at this point.

http://akma.disseminary.org/archives/001518.html

its an interesting article that ran on slashdot today. thinking it over, im finding it tough to find a good way to approach this kind of logic, on the behest of the officer... who, according to my research, is completely in the wrong; unless this should be some local municipalitiy's implementation. regardless, the officer reduced the situation to "its like stealing cable tv" . well. id go for, "its like watching someone elses cable tv" but how can something freely distrubuted be counted as theft, if it is infact being utilized in the very same manner which IS prescribed for free distribution? im not saying that free things cannot be stolen, they can be. say Baskin Robbins decided to give away free ice cream on saturday; that does not entitle you to ask for it on wednesday; nor to break in and steal it friday night. the ice cream is free, under the condition that it is the free ice cream they are giving away, and being given to you on saturday, under the circumstances of the free give away. tounge twister. but were not talking about stealing anything per se. no theft is going on. what this man was doing was utilizing the free, and publically subsidized, access that is free, any time, for anyone, at that location. he wasnt hacking into someones network, he didnt initiate and DDOS attack, and he wasnt trying to zombie out other's equipment to suck down that "free" bandwidth. he was sitting on the park bench, using the internet connection. what makes this any different than if the library had a public use tv set with cable television programming, and the man turned it on to watch tv? a step farther; what makes it different than reading the newspaper the library has on the shelf? sure, we could draw some pretty ingenious sets of circumstances about the cable tv theft issue the office retorted back with; but it doesnt hold up. go back to our ice cream idea. do you cuff the man who is eating his free ice cream, given to him by Baskins Robbins on saturday, at the free ice cream station, and charge him with larceny for wrongfull taking of their ice cream? sounds like this officer might though. the heart of the matter is what eats away like an acid the principles of fair use and acceptable exemptions from copywright and registered marks; that little by little, the consumer's right to fair use exemptions is quickly erroding in this new digital age. what was free, is no longer free. what we call free is really so paired down, its not what you bargained for anymore. we dont bother to tell you that. and we also dont bother to print up the fine print for it. in fact, we just make up the rules as we go along. and whats fair about that? what is fair about fair use, in the digital age, when nothing is fair, if you intend to use it? granted, the fair use exemptions, as aforementioned, dont entitle you to make off with whatever youd please, but under specific circumstance, and under the correct auspices, you are entitled to your own fair use of the good/commodity/property in question. when you sing a Britney Spears song in the shower, when you write a note in the margain of the textbook, and when you photo copy a picture of a loved one; you are exhibiting the everyday expressed value of fair use. the law is quite clear that unless you release a cd of your shower songs, or if you plan to resell that textbook [with your changes] as your own work, or if you are planning on using those photographic duplications to avoid paying the reprinting fees at studio; you stand well within your right to an exemption of applicable copyright law. without that written, codified, exemption status, Brit can sue the shit out of you and your estate. but thats not at all what this is about. this is about the further constraint upon a commodity [for lack of more exacting definition of 'bandwidth'], which is being made available expressly under fair use practices. and im not arguing that this point can not be done. [hell, the federal government has been changing the way you own items around your house for the last 15 years, you just never realized how, or why it matters] but, the idea im reaching around to is, this commodity is being used under the perfect ascription to the rules of fair use, and we are trying to stifle even that. snuff out the last of the embers of acceptable and legitimate use, that have been a part of our recognized codification of copyright doctrination for the past millenium. just throw it out. rip out those pages from the big tomes of legal babble. no more xerox machines either. you should just purchase additional volumes of text books for citation reasons. get rid of high lighters, since those are making an infringing practice of altering the text in that god-given copy of a James Joyce collection, quash the practice of buying cds because if the singer wanted you to hear theyd sing it infront of you; and just euthanize the arts of influence and inspiration since you are just a petty criminal taking away another's good work. instead, help usher in the era of new "rights" where free internet isnt free, where you pay to listen to a radio station, and where the police are free to make up laws to make it all "fair" for you.

This is Andrea reporting for Scott! I, Andrea, almost got locked in the bathroom. Took me a second to get the door open because the doors in this new apartment are fucked up.

Scott is playing Axis and Allies: D-Day with Matt (my lovely boyfriend) and our friend Nick. Scott's Germany and is probably going to get ass-raped. Matt is the US and Nick is England. I am drunk. Matt and Scott, the bastards, went to the liquor store not too far from here and decided it would be funny to buy disgusting Beast. I, however, am drhinking JD's Hurricane Punch.

Scott hopes the lucky U of Illinois Sucks hat will bring him good luck. While I have no clue what's going on in the game, I don't think it will be helping him

I'm drunk and hvaing a difficult time typing. Most of what I have typed has been retyped several times and now I'm getting lazy. I sort of want chocolate cake but I'm rather full from all the drinks. I'm a sucker for chocolate. But mind you, everyone who's never met me before, I'm not normally like this. I'm drunk. Rmember that. Or I'll cut you, bitches. I am, after all, from Jersey. Land of the gay gov'ners.

Current Musical Selection: Slipknot - Before I Forget

well i cant say that i normally care much about the people around me. nor do i loose sleep much over other peoples mistakes and shortchanges of their own accord. however. after sitting on the couch this afternoon i heard such a ruckus that even i looked up over the edge of my book. what started out as some young children running around, ended up in one of the most embarrassing displays that their parents and teachers will never see.

one black boy [yes its relevant], and 3 white girls. on bikes. id guess about 13 years old. i had zoned out their conversation till one started screaming hysterically; "FAGGOT" "FAGGOT" "YOURE SUCH A NIGGER COCKER BLOWER". she was screaming into a cell phone, that i doubt shes old enough to responsibly possess. regardless. the outburst drew my attention. i sat on the arm of the couch watching an listening to the rest of it. several more uses of ethnic degration. multiple uses of inflamatory homo-sexual based remarks. and some that were just lewd. and by lewd, one example.

'do you remember, like oh my god the other night at torrie's house when her brother had a boner"
- 'oh my god!'
-- "like jesus christ hes such a whigger walking around with this dong sticking up'
- 'you liked it girl'
-- 'no i didnt'
'yeah you did, maybe hed rub it in youre face for you and you could bite it'
-- 'id stick it up my boo-tay and be like ughh ughhh ughhh [she straddles and gyrates on her bike]
[laughter]
-- ' id fuck that thing'


if one thing said above doesnt disturb you, all of it together ought to. kids have no disregard for what they say, what they think they know, and what is appropriate. its deplorable. utterly. without any excuse. in an instance like this, where you do put blame.... where can you even start? its just left me very, very worried about the future of this country.

tick tock

ow. the light hurts. taken some time around 3am... not by me.... after we started drinking at about 6pm...



well a quick post. more tomorrow after i get off work... also look for pictures over on the dichotomous.net book soon. but..

poopie is now married to hcwbph. *sigh* yet another one gone.

but.

we did it in grand style i must say. right now im still pretty tired, over a day later. but the ceremony was nice [i missed it], the party was better. drinking for us started at 6ish... we finally were done screwing around at J's house sometime around 3 am . fucking fun. for once i can say, that being with these people in davenport did not produce any annimosity, no hard feelings. just lots of fun. old memories. new jokes. lots of laughs. 1 gold fish was swallowed. a black man was busting moves on the mom's dancing to the boot-scooting-boogie. someone brought a stripper with as a date. someone's mom doesnt swallow. a vegetarian contemplated putting chicken on her plate at dinner. there was indeed fighting with lengths of drainpipe. lots of devil horns. and yeah. poopie nuhts is married.

so much to say. to tired to say it. more pictures will be coming... however..

congrads Adam and Jackie!

s.

Here she is!


Current Musical Selection: Sepultura - Troops Of Doom

well, since i have no functioning internet, until an unspecified time... my blog of move in stories, shall be one belated post..

Tuesday, July 20. Getting The Fuck Outta Dodge

well just like the saying goes, its time to get the fuck out of dodge. i went to sleep waaaay too late monday night. mom and brother came up during the day to prep stuff, and help box. mainly i showed them the new place and took a load over. spent the rest of monday night trying to package up my life again... for the third new place in three years...

spent the entire day tuesday moving boxes in the heat. dad rented a trailer to haul the big crap, used Wonder Van for the smaller stuff... my car for the stuff they just didnt want to be caught dead hauling. i think it was 3 trips... although it could have been done in two. the first trip, the van was full of my futon... and my surprise from my parents... A NEW FUTON MATTRESS! no more weak ass padding on that sucker! i mean, it surved my purposes [whatever they might have been] at night, but sleeping on that thing just wasnt comfortable. and now that i have the room for a real couch and nice stuff at my place, my parents thought it would be a nice thing to do. i actually really appreciated it. anywho. the boxes never ended. up and down a double long flight of stairs, no a/c, and its mid day. [the weather says its upper 80s.. its bullshit. in the sunlight.. its in the upper 90s]. anyway we GOT_UR_DONE. had a nice dinner with my parents at the new place. then spent the rest of the night finding things... and finding out what things dont work.

the list now includes... 3 of 5 overhead lights. 2 smoke detectors [cords dangling from ceiling, units left in middle of the floor]. both the door to the bathroom and my bedroom are broken and crappified... to the point that they wont shut. 2 light switches go to nothing at this point and turn nothing on [its rumored they go to one of the lights that doesnt work.. the other is a mystery to me]. no hot water, as for some reason the water heater doesnt kick on. i really thought it wouldnt bug me, seeing how hot it is. ha. take a bath in 63 degree water [yes, i measured] i seriously couldnt find my balls after that first plunge. but i made it through.... the worst part was washing my hair... i swear i felt ice. and ofcourse i have no internet!. however my phone works here. so anyone in iowa city is free to call me [as its a freebee local call]. msg me or call my cell for the number [as im not posting it for several obvious reasons on line].

so far the mass majority of my life is in carboard and piles. but the pc is up and going! as are the GnR posters on the walls. pictures have been taken. need to get some of the outside and surrounding area too. it will happen... just not tomorrow. mid american energy is showing up at 7am to look at the water heater, then i have to deal with my property managers about shit thats got to get fixed in here. then im working at noon..... TO CLOSE. assholes. whatever.



(((((addendum..... obviously, i have working internet now! and more pictures will be taken of the outside, or of the view i have atleast....))))))

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - The Deafening Silence

the silence is deafening..

since its just me and half of my stuff here. tomorrow not even that will be here. tomorrow is moving day. almost everything i have in iowa city is in a pile in the living room. i plan on getting my keys at 8am tomorrow, and starting moving shit in. cant wait. its going to be pretty expensive for me.... about as tight as my budgeting was at the begining of last school year... but i think it could be worth it.

im loosing several key things. mainly location. right now, im about a 15 minute walk from class. 39 seconds from a bus stop [including time to lock the door], and im 3-10 minutes from work [dependent on traffic]. as of tomorrow... im prolly something like a 4.5 hour walk to class. i dont think any buses even stop out there. [save maybe to the Oakdale Campus, which is a 10-15 minute drive], and maybe a half hour from work with traffic.

i loose the proximity to the grocery store, the interstate, gas stations, bars, bar whores, and general civilization as iowa city knows it.

i gain.

peace. quiet. solitude. my OWN place. a quiet drive home every day. a bigger place. a newer place. a nicer place. a hefty rent check. prolly no neighbors save those in my building.

im still thinking the balance to be in my favor.

yeah im loosing alot... everything except rent and time and distance. but im so tired of iowa city. im tired of the people here. im tired of the neighbors and their fireworks. the girl that fucks so loud upstairs. the drunk herds at 2 to 4 am that wake me up. i wont miss at all certain people inside of city limits that have maid my life pure shit the last couple years. nor will i miss the memories of stuff that went on out here. instead, ill finish my 2 classes, and work here [if i dont transfer to Cedar Rapids first], and play it out. ill let iowa city win. thats it. ill tip my king over, if it means we both answer it as a draw due to my absence. i refuse to fight with this town anymore. im even evaluating a city administration position where im going. could be reaaaaal interesting. then again, ive always been about good expectations, then fighting to get to the goal.

so iowa city, i cant say im happy about this.. but i know im not sad! its a different place than when i came here, almost five years ago. and im sure that im different than when i came here as well. and not for the better because of it.

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - Kick You When Youre Down


have i ever mentioned how much i love machine head?

"they will always kick you when youre down...
you have to trust in yourself, you have to believe in yourself;
you have to follow your heart, you have to overcome, improve, endure"


"love for my love, hate for my hate,
strength for my strength, pain for my pain
pride for my pride; match it inside"



fuck off!



J-Rox, Robert Fucking Flynn, and Me

Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - Blank Generation

le sigh. i should be in bed. ive got to be back at the shithole bright and early tomorrow. to, you guessed right, deal with shit. they broke the news to me about how BTS works.. Back To School is like a death sentence for us employees. were going to do something obscene as a company; like stay open from 8am to 10pm M-Saturday, and be open 10am to 10pm on sunday. ON FUCKING SUNDAYS. i wasnt happy. especially considering i work more sundays than the other department heads combined. fucking goober kids. the store now smells like a giant crayon ball, wooden penicl, or stinky leather chair from china... depending where you are in the store. i should draw a map of the place for the smells. i know some of my friends would find it amusing. id make sure i put in the puke smells infested the recieving deck and stock area. i think some hobo vomitted up a blue whale into our dumpster. its just nasty. i went out there on monday morning at 7am to start doing destroy orders, and about passed out from the cloud. the pregnant manager about lost breakfast when she got to the doorway. after that neither of us have stopped smelling that reek. except when im in OS, then i smell cheap wax and cheap wooden pencils. gross. kinda like a closet at grandmas, without the mothball twainge. then closer to my part of the store you smell all the shitty cheap leather chairs that we got in from china. dorm ho's are gonna love red and blue vinyl shit this year! its even got sparkles in the crap. its nasty. corporate either thinks its beautiful, or it was so fucking cheap to buy they made themselves believe its beautiful. i hate the god damn chinese. i threw out a dvd rom manual the other day... should have kept it. ive never seen engrish that bad. double negatives were about as correct, grammatically speaking, as they got if that tells you something.

i guess im in a foul mood tonight. my elbow hurts like a son of fucker. i was on the phone and not paying much attention and hit the tile in the kitchen too fast in my socks. bam. ofcourse instead of letting me fall on my fat ass, i tried to flail around and grab something. thats where the elbow smashing in to the countertop enters. as well as the related pain. not only that, but i dumped an entire glass of water all over myself in the process. didnt loose the phone though.

you know. im pissed because i got my damn reunion card today. one of those happy horseshit "God we loosers you graduated with really miss high school, and really need to drink in public and talk about that" ..... i mean my class reunion at a bar. classy. 15 bucks for me to sit around them again. i know of a good dozen or so that have kids now. so add screaming brats in the mix. id say one in five is married. one in three is engaged. probably half and half of the rest will have someone in tow. the rest of us will be standing around alone all night. i guess after those kind of odds... my old friends and i will be standing around by ourselves again. two called me to say they were going. i havent made up my mind yet. its not something ive desired to attend. i dont miss high school. i dont have many friends there. and i sure as hell dont have anyone there that i want to see. five years hasnt been long enough after what i lived through. shit it took me 4 years to make it out. its like an excon getting off a 30 year stint, and asking him to come back the next weekend for prison softball games. it aint right. i feel like i dont have anything to go back and slam in peoples faces yet. i dont have kids. i dont have a wife. i dont have a potential wife. i dont even have a girl that i can talk to on the phone. im not even out of college. i dont like my job much. and im no where near getting into law like i wanted to be. i dont have a fancy car, an arrest record, or a presidential commendation to brag about. i guess im not going to be a great person to have there. i thought about calling christine and offering to have lunch with her that week before it. shes the class president. we were pretty good friends in school. but i havent seen her in over a year, when i was in cedar falls for macurh. i guess i could atleast let her know im alive. if she even cares. but again. i dont really feel all that inclined to do that either. i dont see much point in it really. its going to be three groups of people there. those that wish high school never ended. those that highschool was the biggest accomplishemnt they will ever see through. and that last group im in; thats eventually going to have real lives and move on and stop going to this kind of crap. i can see myself sitting on a bar stool, yelling over Nelly and warm drafts of natty lite about how i loathe college. someone will break out in high school stories. someone else will be interested in hearing about a college since they are now a mechanic at a jiffy lube or arent allowed to vote or own firearms anymore. im not going to like it. maybe ill even get pissed off enough to get drunk in my own little corner, and get vulgar about all the shit in my life from high school on. air out all the things i really thought about some of those popular girls that used to tell me i was cute, then run away laughing all day about it. or about how i think most of american populace is nothing but a lost herd of bovine, with no foresight, no memory, no balls and an utter lack of death certificates. i suppose i could brag about how much i cherish my job and co-workers. maybe i could just tell all about my fantastic love life, and how great it is to be unnattractive in a yet a different educational setting. i could brag how my car is the greatest production value engineering could muster 11 years ago. yeah ive got alot to look forward to at this thing.

i cant say im really happy with my life. not compared to what im going to have to put up with at this affair. maybe if i had something i was actually proud of, it would be bearable. but i dont. and its not going to be. instead ill have to see baby pictures. diamond rings of all sorts. public molestation and groping will frequent the dance floor. money being flashed around. someone will be driving a Benz. ill have to take home a pocket full of business cards with promises to keep in touch... and drop them a line if i need that mutual fund. ill get stories about the frat houses. ill get stories about who still fucks who from North. no one will recognize me. and theyll act as flakey as possible becasue they wont remember me. and if they do. they wont know what to say to me. theyere going to remember who i was and how they treated my like shit, and not know what to do when im there. i just dont like how this is adding up. like i said. if i had something that i liked about my life, i could work with that. but i dont. i hate my life. i hate being that ugly gross loser that every girl hopes doesnt try to talk to them. i hate having a fucking car that isnt worth my bank account balance. i work at a god damn dead end job where i stock shelves and sell warranties to people at 0% kick back. i listen to all that kind of music that i did back then, that everyone hated me for. i couldnt buy a date with a hooker without getting turned down. and im fucking conscious through it all. i fucking hate it. i feel like an idiot. we gave the retarded kids diplomas for highschool in 4 years. ..... and i cant even earn a college degree in 5 years.... and i qualified for Georgetown. i cant get a job that even pays me my fucking age in thousands of dollars. i get shit on by the general public at a job that doesnt amount to shit. and ive got nothing to come home to at the end of the night. no wife or fiance to hide by, or leave early with. not even a fucking pet to talk to. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................




i dont know. i just .... i just wonder how i got here. i wonder when something is going to pick up for me for once. and i just get fucking angry. and frustrated. and i hate the thought of going back to high school. i hate the thought of having other people tell me im a loser, when i guess deep down i know i am one.

the sounds of love were all around me last night.

i tried to go to sleep early. honestly i did. but however much i might have tried to do it. the world wont let me. the sounds of love were all around me. thankfully, it wasnt the slut upstairs having screaming sex. no. this time it was the asshole beating up his girlfriend in the building 3 feet from mine. they started by talking. which i fell asleep hearing. then i woke up to hear WHY DO YOU KEEP OPENING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH LIKE A BITCH *slaping noise* then i hear her scream and cry. maybe its dirty talk. i slam my window shut. FUCK YOU THAT HURT, WERE FUCKING OVER. -WELL IT WAS OVER WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING KEITH- various screams. continues oh ten more minutes. then i hear her screaming GET OFF ME, GET THE FUCK OFF ME. DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME. -ILL FUCKING SHOW YOU HOW TO SLEEP AROUND- several slapping noises. stuff hitting the walls. her screaming being muffled. so then i called the cops.

you know, the saddest thing has to go through my mind when i hear that. not that shes getting the shit kicked out of her. or that he should be in jail for it. but that how its just god damn unfair, that people like him end up with a woman. people like me dont. i understand that im not fully aware of what went on. nor can i necessarily justify him doing whatever it was that it sounded like he was doing. yet, its just not fair. while the 911 operator is trying to get me to explain where this is going on [shes hearing it through my phone as well], it just kept kicking me over and over again, how there just cant be alot of justice in this world. what have i ever done wrong? obviously its something. i cant even con a female in to talking to me or even having dinner with me; and this fratfag is knocking the crap out of some girl at 5 am. it just isnt right. that or i must be one bad hombre. i mean evil as hitler, and as pathetic as a Betamax. here i am in an empty house, bored off my mind, money to spare in a double wide bed. this guy comes home hammered, starts a scream fest with his neighbors around and ends up with the girl. probably a 30 sentence in county as well. but you get the picture.

Current Musical Selection: Hammerfall - Child of the Damned

woooot. that was actually a fun hour and a half.... doing latin. yeah. class is out, but Magister Marcus decided hed do some free summer updating for our latin braining [as he called it]. new stuff to sight read and grammar things to go over. although my first read was horribly inaccurate, i didnt do too bad. i lost alot of vocab, and the tricky grammar construction caught me. but not bad. he laughed when i forgot the verb amitto... twice. once not even five minutes after he told me what it was. typical scott. vellia didnt show up. too bad. shes the hot blonde that would constantly wear slutty underpants, that came in with the massive hickey during the final. mark and i had a good laugh about that. aaaaaaannnd kicking the shit out of the Etruscans.

Mark: so what do you have here?
Scott: well so far the army of Priam is kicking the shit out of the Etruscan army.
Mark: thats not what it says..
Scott: yeah it does... they are "agressi sunt ab ..."
Mark: oh. well that doesnt mean theyve won... not yet! mwa ha ha ha
Scott: but they do with. this is the Trojan War.
Mark: well i suppose.

...

Scott: what is "laeti"? i havent heard that one
Mark: oh. well that means happy
Scott: how do you remember that????
Mark: hm. twizzlers make us laeti!
Scott: can i have a twizzler?
Mark: yeah. [hands me the bag] well i suppose... like when you go home its all dark.... and then you turn on the lighty and you get laeti! [makes happy faces with jazz hands]
Scott: or twizzlers make me laeti...
Mark: no, twizzlers make you laetus. twizzlers make us laeti.

Current Musical Selection: Bob Marley - Could You Be Loved

well this weekend was boring, but i made it fun.

i ended up driving all around the 3 county area yesterday, then just ended up in dport for most the night. got to hang out with erin s., j, sarah and everyone back home. it was nice. parents were gone out of town, so was the dog. so there wasnt even much point it stopping by their place. just cruised around town driving and remembering things till about 5 am, when i decided to drive back to iowa city. not a cop in sight the entire time. i took some pictures, but the batteries were dying so i didnt get alot. ive got some others at home i havent posted either. not much though. next weekend i get off im driving out somewhere fucking off the wall and getting some neat pictures. havent decided yet. figured i wont till i go. it makes it all the more interesting when i do it that way.

it was interesting, however, just driving through davenport. so much keeps changing around there. lots of stuff is still the same, but enough has changed that there are places of town i dont even recognize much anymore. a good example is right downtown, around main and 2nd... that whole area west of the Radison hotel/ rivermusic area is just totally different. i remember marching in parades downtown in highschool, and nothing looks the same. infact building and parking lots used as landmarks for kids to know where to stage are arent even there now. very scary. its for the better though. downtown looks much nicer. still no real business in it yet. but its coming.

drove past my high school, its fucked up. not at all what i knew it to be. samething with my gradeschool. it used to have a sheep farm next door to it. not anymore! somehow the school bought it, and paved it. its now a parkinglot and bout 3/4's of a mile long driveway out to the back. its not right.

even worse. on my way out of town, i drove past someone's old house. i guess just because i like to bleed my self some more. i really dont know why. but none of the cars are familiar. that was one clue. second was no lights on and no activity. it should be a house full of teenagers now. odd clue #2. last thing was the empty forsale sign in the front yard, no sign in it. #3. turns out her parents must have split up and moved. freaky. she and i would talk at night, and shed always tell me shed wish her parents would. guess she got what she wanted. she always did.

i dunno. just in a shock at the state of change..

Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - In My Time of Dyin'

well there are many reasons why i hate going out in public. grocery shopping never used to be one. i like it. its actually fun. not nearly as much fun as browing through the gun store, liquor store, or porno store; but it has its moments. the reason i like the grocery store is the people that shop there entertain me so much. well almost as much as the shit they sell.

i was looking for cereal when to my distaste, i found myself at the end of an audio assault by some screaming little demon in a stupid plastic car/grocery cart. it didnt end either. instead the handler/caregiver replied; "my you make such great noises" with a gleeful tone. i should have said something then, but i looked up instead. hair in a crew cut, nose piercing, saggy pants, bandana hanging out of left pocket, and rainbow buttons on everything; i found my self staring down 1/2 of lesbian parental unit. the second half came galloping past later. both began some interesting banter about needing to re-roof the house this summer. i laughed outloud. after that i stopped paying attention. it was the thought of these two attempting to climb ladders withou a purpose of hanging pride banners, that forced my concentration to the task at hand. that or the fucking rodent in the cart that blew my ear drums apart. my next task is to conquer what he have already conquered.

im looking onwards to the corner of the store that i like to call, "Food From Places We Beat In Wars" ... you know it as "foreign foods". its comical how they have been arranged in historically accurate order, England (1812), Mexico (1848), Italian, German (1945), and various Orientals (1954, 1975)... but i guess the casual shopper never notices what the trained eye does. instead i poke around examing the differences in refried beans as some fratfags approach on my six. "dude, i barfed once, and it looked like beans" "heh heh" "heheh" too bad they dont understand the patriots of our great country, that brutalized the world to bring them the metaphor they so eloquently attempt to employ. i know better. i took 2 cans, and shed a tear for my fallen countrymen who died in the glorious pursuit of finding finest vittels the Third World could offer.

soda. something universal. until you find the packaging we carry it in nowadays. dont even start me on the flavorings. after looking up and down 3 aisles, i found ZERO 24 can cases of soda. but i did find 8 can packages of CC2 and Edge Pepsi... both something the shitsniffing lowcarb freaks seem to be half-qwenching their carb starved thirsts with... regular mountain dew, in the shit massive quantitiy i desire was AWOL. beer however was plentiful in brands from here to australia, and even some in countries that havent been UN recognized... shouldnt surprise me much though. it is a grocery store; but it too lies deep in the heart of the propaganda machine of the People's Republic of Iowa City. its said that Chairman Mao himself enjoys the Atkins friendly heartattack servivings of beef hearts and carbfree cola to wash it down... 2 from every brand... diet carb frees cant be excluded from the glory of the machine. oh let freedom ring!

i wanted frozen pizza. i like mine cheap. none of that high end shit. something not much larger than a dinner plate, similar to cardboard crust, and maybe fewer toppings than area codes this state has, is about my conditions for a choice. next comes price. im not paying more than a 1.50 for a whole thing. fuck you starving assholes in columbia, who have guilted the loyal coffee drinking public into chalking up an extra 4 dollars per can of beans for you.... may your magic fail you in the frozen pizza aisle! for the most part it does. cheap is in style, as im accustomed to. but the selection seems something anti-pneu-america. 4 toppings! fucking 4. in the home of the brave, champion of all wars weve entered, we live in a society constrained to 4 pizza toppings... who'd a thunk it? i grumble and survey the depth of my exoctic flavorings from pepperoni to cheese, while 4 girls saunter past in outlandishly ho-riffic outfits. "god i cant even eat a whole bagel in the mornings, i feel soooo fat!!" . "oh i like so know how you feel Kimberly-Anne, like i was like going to vommit trying to eat that cup of yougrit before we went to Cancun" they pause brielfly to look at my cart while on entertaining cell phones... "oohhh my god. like who eats a whole box of cereal!" im exasperated by the tantalizing possibilities of beef, and hamburger, too much so to notice them. they continue on down the aisle, succumbing to the godlike stature of some dousche's assistant in the meat counter. still woozy from vast matrix of flavorful goodness, i trudge onward to the deli.

now the deli is an interesting specimen. if any part of the grocery store is marketed directly like a true retail venture, this is the place where its done most poorly. with all the choices of meats... hams, turkeys, bacons, sausages, hams, chicken, beef and hams; its hard to find a reason not to go for something cheap, or something with a funny name, or something dipped in some form of curddeling juice/broth. here, the retail venture should entertain us, speak to us, and lead us upwards in the price point to lead to our inherent sense of sophistication. we should ascend to the finer tastes like a Virginia Maple Top Spiral Cut Ham... as it is plainly superior to your Boiled Hamm [yes, the sign is spelled wrong]. for the consumer, it takes reason to make this jump. the deli entourage doesnt satisfy this. as i approach the bomb-proof tempered glass arena of meats; im privy to "oh hi Kimberly-Anne, like you look totally fabulous" "oh hey girl! i havent seen you since Vito's the other night" a true sign of a professional staff is just reeking in the air here, greeting customers by shared drunken experiences. instead i gaze longingly into the piles of splendor before me....then back to the meats; setting my eyes on Cajun country! who knew that shaved meats would accrue such an interesting taste when in the hands of the bastard children of misplaced Frenchmen!!! but indeed, it is something to behold... the powers of Cajun Turkey truely post it beyond the grasp of the Peppered Meat showcase. "so like, who was that HOT guy you took home?" "oh i dunno, like he was like i dunno... im thinking of a different guy i guess" at this point i thought id make my interjection about the differences in the Cajun Dusted and Cajun Spiced Roast Beef's, but i saw that the intellectual nature of their conversation would make my question all too trivial. i walked away with a simple bag of Peppered Turkey Breast, wondering only for what could have been....

there was a minor mishap in the cold liquids section. something involving my kind words for the stockapes oversight in having no whole milk for me to purchase. which was met with a phillosophic, "uh. dude i dont know" indeed it seems the wisdom of this temple of holy etibles seems beyond my comprehension, as does the myriad of tongues in which their priests address such lay people. frustrated, i issued a vocalitiy to the gods perched atop the Olympus of Freezer Coolers; that fucktards should not be premitted to work in dairy. but my cries went un heeded. ashamed i left for the checkouts.

the black angel of iowa city 


well folks i did it. a couple days ago i decided to go check it out. so i found myself standing in the middle of a cemetary, looking up at this huge black bronze angel statue. its neat. its. captivating. it is in a word, brooding. its very.... uninviting. yet i found myself staring at it for the longest time. im some respects im fascinated with the macobre, but this one was more a curiosity than others.... not for what it is, but for what it must mean.

one of my favorite pics.... from the tokyo videos where axl comes back.... kinda like how i just did