Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - In My Time of Dyin'

well there are many reasons why i hate going out in public. grocery shopping never used to be one. i like it. its actually fun. not nearly as much fun as browing through the gun store, liquor store, or porno store; but it has its moments. the reason i like the grocery store is the people that shop there entertain me so much. well almost as much as the shit they sell.

i was looking for cereal when to my distaste, i found myself at the end of an audio assault by some screaming little demon in a stupid plastic car/grocery cart. it didnt end either. instead the handler/caregiver replied; "my you make such great noises" with a gleeful tone. i should have said something then, but i looked up instead. hair in a crew cut, nose piercing, saggy pants, bandana hanging out of left pocket, and rainbow buttons on everything; i found my self staring down 1/2 of lesbian parental unit. the second half came galloping past later. both began some interesting banter about needing to re-roof the house this summer. i laughed outloud. after that i stopped paying attention. it was the thought of these two attempting to climb ladders withou a purpose of hanging pride banners, that forced my concentration to the task at hand. that or the fucking rodent in the cart that blew my ear drums apart. my next task is to conquer what he have already conquered.

im looking onwards to the corner of the store that i like to call, "Food From Places We Beat In Wars" ... you know it as "foreign foods". its comical how they have been arranged in historically accurate order, England (1812), Mexico (1848), Italian, German (1945), and various Orientals (1954, 1975)... but i guess the casual shopper never notices what the trained eye does. instead i poke around examing the differences in refried beans as some fratfags approach on my six. "dude, i barfed once, and it looked like beans" "heh heh" "heheh" too bad they dont understand the patriots of our great country, that brutalized the world to bring them the metaphor they so eloquently attempt to employ. i know better. i took 2 cans, and shed a tear for my fallen countrymen who died in the glorious pursuit of finding finest vittels the Third World could offer.

soda. something universal. until you find the packaging we carry it in nowadays. dont even start me on the flavorings. after looking up and down 3 aisles, i found ZERO 24 can cases of soda. but i did find 8 can packages of CC2 and Edge Pepsi... both something the shitsniffing lowcarb freaks seem to be half-qwenching their carb starved thirsts with... regular mountain dew, in the shit massive quantitiy i desire was AWOL. beer however was plentiful in brands from here to australia, and even some in countries that havent been UN recognized... shouldnt surprise me much though. it is a grocery store; but it too lies deep in the heart of the propaganda machine of the People's Republic of Iowa City. its said that Chairman Mao himself enjoys the Atkins friendly heartattack servivings of beef hearts and carbfree cola to wash it down... 2 from every brand... diet carb frees cant be excluded from the glory of the machine. oh let freedom ring!

i wanted frozen pizza. i like mine cheap. none of that high end shit. something not much larger than a dinner plate, similar to cardboard crust, and maybe fewer toppings than area codes this state has, is about my conditions for a choice. next comes price. im not paying more than a 1.50 for a whole thing. fuck you starving assholes in columbia, who have guilted the loyal coffee drinking public into chalking up an extra 4 dollars per can of beans for you.... may your magic fail you in the frozen pizza aisle! for the most part it does. cheap is in style, as im accustomed to. but the selection seems something anti-pneu-america. 4 toppings! fucking 4. in the home of the brave, champion of all wars weve entered, we live in a society constrained to 4 pizza toppings... who'd a thunk it? i grumble and survey the depth of my exoctic flavorings from pepperoni to cheese, while 4 girls saunter past in outlandishly ho-riffic outfits. "god i cant even eat a whole bagel in the mornings, i feel soooo fat!!" . "oh i like so know how you feel Kimberly-Anne, like i was like going to vommit trying to eat that cup of yougrit before we went to Cancun" they pause brielfly to look at my cart while on entertaining cell phones... "oohhh my god. like who eats a whole box of cereal!" im exasperated by the tantalizing possibilities of beef, and hamburger, too much so to notice them. they continue on down the aisle, succumbing to the godlike stature of some dousche's assistant in the meat counter. still woozy from vast matrix of flavorful goodness, i trudge onward to the deli.

now the deli is an interesting specimen. if any part of the grocery store is marketed directly like a true retail venture, this is the place where its done most poorly. with all the choices of meats... hams, turkeys, bacons, sausages, hams, chicken, beef and hams; its hard to find a reason not to go for something cheap, or something with a funny name, or something dipped in some form of curddeling juice/broth. here, the retail venture should entertain us, speak to us, and lead us upwards in the price point to lead to our inherent sense of sophistication. we should ascend to the finer tastes like a Virginia Maple Top Spiral Cut Ham... as it is plainly superior to your Boiled Hamm [yes, the sign is spelled wrong]. for the consumer, it takes reason to make this jump. the deli entourage doesnt satisfy this. as i approach the bomb-proof tempered glass arena of meats; im privy to "oh hi Kimberly-Anne, like you look totally fabulous" "oh hey girl! i havent seen you since Vito's the other night" a true sign of a professional staff is just reeking in the air here, greeting customers by shared drunken experiences. instead i gaze longingly into the piles of splendor before me....then back to the meats; setting my eyes on Cajun country! who knew that shaved meats would accrue such an interesting taste when in the hands of the bastard children of misplaced Frenchmen!!! but indeed, it is something to behold... the powers of Cajun Turkey truely post it beyond the grasp of the Peppered Meat showcase. "so like, who was that HOT guy you took home?" "oh i dunno, like he was like i dunno... im thinking of a different guy i guess" at this point i thought id make my interjection about the differences in the Cajun Dusted and Cajun Spiced Roast Beef's, but i saw that the intellectual nature of their conversation would make my question all too trivial. i walked away with a simple bag of Peppered Turkey Breast, wondering only for what could have been....

there was a minor mishap in the cold liquids section. something involving my kind words for the stockapes oversight in having no whole milk for me to purchase. which was met with a phillosophic, "uh. dude i dont know" indeed it seems the wisdom of this temple of holy etibles seems beyond my comprehension, as does the myriad of tongues in which their priests address such lay people. frustrated, i issued a vocalitiy to the gods perched atop the Olympus of Freezer Coolers; that fucktards should not be premitted to work in dairy. but my cries went un heeded. ashamed i left for the checkouts.

the black angel of iowa city 


well folks i did it. a couple days ago i decided to go check it out. so i found myself standing in the middle of a cemetary, looking up at this huge black bronze angel statue. its neat. its. captivating. it is in a word, brooding. its very.... uninviting. yet i found myself staring at it for the longest time. im some respects im fascinated with the macobre, but this one was more a curiosity than others.... not for what it is, but for what it must mean.

one of my favorite pics.... from the tokyo videos where axl comes back.... kinda like how i just did 

Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Headspace

woah. i havent posted in a quite the while. so long, that blogger changed. eesh.

so where the hell have i been? god i dunno. around. not around. something in between.

i took a 3 week class, so from 8am to 1:30 i was there... then went straight to work to close every night... monday - friday +saturday. that kills you. so i just wasnt in a blogging mood. till now.

im goin to get back into the saddle for it now. just needed a brief pause. things are going to calm down alot as soon as i find a place to live. uhg. yet another pain in my ass. trying to find a place to live, thats somewhat --chokes on the words--- affordable for a single dwelling. heh. yeah right.

anyways. took lots of pictures on a truely scott-like random road trip to burlington. heh. swamps, trailer court CITIES [yes, city hall was in a trailer too!] and the like... like some suspension bridge a "love sick indian maiden" jumped to her death from. but it wasnt built till almost 1900. indians had been killed off in this part of iowa for close to 75 years at that point. but oh well.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20040512/D82GP9B80.html

for so long, ive tried despartely to hold out comment on the question of iraq. but after seeing this. i think my mind is made up. we ARE doing the right thing here people. regardless of how we got in to the mess, or the reasons that may or may not be true, there is most certainly justification for our most concerted effort against these peace hating people. people liken this to vietnam lately; and its not quite that easy. vietnam last for decades. it began in such a secret way, that the american public wasnt even aware of its beginings until after the fist thousand or so were dead. the great pacifist himself, touted and venerated JFK, was the one who started that war for us. so choose carefully any political trappings you might want to be lead by, because it has very little to do with political affiliation, and more to do with justice, and the rule of law. again, im not going to dispute that everything might not have been as clear as possible when we went into this thing, but now, after so long, when the attrocities of the iraq's against americans is becoming clear, why is it people still think anything but for a quick and full scale end to this combat? the man that was killed wasnt a soldier. he wasnt a combatant. he wasnt armed. he wasnt a member of some company. he was simply there to help these people. and they took him hostage. he was there to help rebuild this warland, and they killed him for it. he was denied any and all comforts of the Geneva accords as well as any other regulations for personal safety the international community has on the books. and then he was slaughtered. and they broadcast it publically. now these "people" run around, cheering, smearing themselves with the blood of an innocent man who came a world away to help them into civility. these bloodthirsty savages are ecstatic about it. reveiling in it. something is gravely wrong with this picture. and no one, it seems, is upset about this like i am.

how is it, that we are supposed to deal with these people... and they arent... but of the inhumane creatures that we are faced with? we euthanize raccoons that are rabbid, we destroy dogs that attack humans, but were not supposed to do the same thing to these people? were supposed to allow them to live, and flourish and procreate, as if to say this is alright? the same sorts of foulities have been present for several decades, but all of you here at home feel as though its wrong to see it. in chechnya the islamic separatists have been regularly savaging russian peace keeping forces. without any regard for their humanity, the brutality occurs against any captured man in a russian uniform. or. any man or woman, that is not islamic separatist. in the small islamic malasyian islands, separatists regularly execute and draw and quarter any white faces found, or anyone in uniform. these sorts of things continue to this day in these small countries, and you all deny that it does. people are doing nothing but their duty for their country, and are falling victim to crimes that are so horrific, we sheltered american's simply deny that it occurs... and instead, we simply think its wrong to fight a war with these people. what better people are there to be at war with, is what i ask of you? who better than to die, than those that seek only the death of thier neighbors? why is it just, to you people, to let those savages survive? what more unnatural, inhumane, unjust actions can you find on this earth, that would qualify anyone else as a more worthy target for the business end of a few american artillery pieces? they arent fighting for freedom. they arent fighting for justice. they arent even fighting, as we do in war. they are simply bloodthirsty animals that run loose preying upon whoever they can nab.

sadaam, their political leader, was quite well versed in these kinds of things you know. on many occasions he had heads removed and sent home to families. he thought nothing of it, when he had the kurdish nomads in the north gassed. it was purely "business" when he launched shells that started the Iran-Iraq war. for him, getting a head, pollitically, meant litteraly removing your opponnents. sometimes without reason, sometimes with a made up ones. but it was just to show that he had power. and thats all these images are trying to show us. they are just trying to show us they have the power to be something subhuman. but again, i want us to separate the political nature of this; there is no political body in iraq. these people are mayors or party members. there is nothing formal about their nonexistent political power. do you really think they took a vote on killing this man? no. do you think they sat down and had a formal debate, with members representing a constituency? no. they are just sick animals who enjoy this. it is about brutality. it is about murder. it is about deception. and it is about underhanded killings for the sake of nothing but showing off their ability to do so, all made in the name of Allah. and i ask you, why you nay-sayers feel we should step aside and let this continue? how is it that more people saturate themselves in the filth that is american idol, but retain the idleness of americana against these types of attrocities? you people disgust me that refuse to commit to the notion that yes, although a last resort, this military action against these people is of the imperative. some of you sleep at night, dreaming of a perfect world. what is so perfect about the people that murded that man? or those men? or that family? that journalist? that man who did nothing but drove a fuel truck? the woman that worked to wash dishes that feed private contractors? and so on. and so on. how do you all sleep, with those dreams, and counteract the sanctity of life, with the justness of murder?

the american might has been brought in to END this society. these people have no intention to reform. they have no idea of what a proper order is. and they dont care either. there never was any intention of peace. only of starting new bleedings in the sides of humanity. all they wanted was a fresh place to stab you all. all they want is the power to reign terror to be restored to them. how would you sleep in thier world? how can you sleep in mine? aside from this im speechless. i dont have words to express the hatred that is rising in me, for a people across the world. and i hate them because they hate peace, liberty, and justice. they burn our flags, they spit on the bodies they have murdered, and they parade this kind of filth across the globe. and then they hide behind a god. and this press corps eats it up. its hitting the airwaives for one purpose only; to rally american support away from our actions. that story as above, isnt even being run in many news markets in the united states right now... because many more of you would only feel more solidified like i do, if you saw it. if you knew that man was someones son, someones father. someones brother. and if these savages have no more respect for the sanctity that is human life, then i have no more respect for them as a people. they are nothing but thugs. assassins. cowards. and the scum of this earth. there exists no reason for them to live. and i still dont see how people dont see the justice in our elimination of them. this is something that has to be done.

some random thoughts....


everyone right now is passed out in my living room. nick barfed. but did manage to hit the toilet. there is mountains of fresh skunk quality beer left [something like 30 cans]. ones on the floor, one on a couch, one in a chair. and so far all is quiet. i suppose ill talk about it all later on. for now, im much too lazy to drag out pictures and things taken. that and my massive headache really is preventing me from doing much of anything, as far as labor or intensive though process may be conerned. just, for now, am enjoying the silence of everything.

its kind of an odd thought i suppose, to be surrounded by friends.... quite litterally the bodies are stacked around here.... but to still feel alone. its just a light thought thats breezed through me lately. despite doing things, going places, and honestly not having time to worry about such things... its really just felt lonely to be me. i guess everything ive got has to revolve around me, or something else i dont want to do. be that work, or class, or other people's shit; its very rarely been anything for me. i thought this weekend would have been alot of fun; since its the only one ill have off for quite some time, and its the last one im going to have in town [to say definitely atleast] with several friends. its too bad people no showed the whole festivities. but, for now, they arent the point. i guess i am.

i hate being whiney about it. i hate describing myself in terms of referential pitty, but god it seems fitting. i think since last year ive just been in this rut. for all the obvious positive changes that happened to me, then ended in the shit that it did... just about a year ago to date, its hard to say that everything has just been easy or carefree in my life. i cant deny that its probably an easier life to live that alot of other people have to do... but then again, im sure that alot of people probably wouldnt run right up to change places with me for it either. and i cant figure out why.

one of the things thats been nagging me has just been that sense of being alone. just an idea of feeling lonely. there are entire days where i wont speak to people. no one calls looking for me. instant messenger stays quiet, with no away message up. and its hard not to feel like no one would really care if im even around anymore. hell; my parents took nearly a month before i had to take the initiative to talk to them. even they dont want that much to do with me... or so it feels. because i do understand that i just cant sit and take the end result of peoples [in]actions and make any decisions based on them. however, i also just cant blanketly excuse it either. so instead, im sitting here alone in my room, in the middle of the night, doing nothing about it.

i feel alone, because its true. for so long, i was hurt in a spited way by Someone. i had, quite litterally, spent my life looking to find someone for ME. id gone through all the mickey mouse love story shit that kids, i guess, have to do. i have had more than my share of shit treatment by girls. ive been screamed at, humiliated, dumped, cheated on, and stoodup more times that i think its important to remember. and i dunno that i can say any of it was 100% free from spite. however. lots of things changed last year. this time i entered into a relationship that seemed ready to be made. i felt comfortable with it. i felt secure with it. and i felt like it was something worth staying with. and i guess i was wrong. i was walked out on. and i get left holding on to all the feelings that i presumed wed been sharing. so for along time, i felt just hurt by it. like the first time a bully makes fun of the color of pants you wear to school. you dont know what it means and what it doesnt mean. you just know, that people dont like you... that people laugh at what you have. and in the end, thats kind of what happened to me. everyone here just predisposed of the situation, thought i shouldnt care, and never really bother to look too much beyond the surface of what they imagined to have happend. i guess, being one of the two people that knew better about it all, it made that jump really difficult to make.

it took quite some time before i got out of that hurt stage. just where everything just felt like it was fresh everyday. no only about her, but about me. see, not only did she reject me and her, she rejected [in a way] my dreams, my goals my desires.... and it wasnt just rejection. this time, it was cold. it was controlled and it was hurtfull to the very core of how i wanted things to be. instead of walking away and being done with women forever... as i should have done after high school... i kept sticking it out. finding new girls, with new ways to get to me. and i ran into the last one, and it didnt feel the same. everything felt different/. and it felt right for once. and thats what made it hurt the most. feeling right about wanting to have someone in my life. that was the idea that was snuffed out most harshly by her actions. its hard to reduce it to much less than; no one really wants anything to do with a dream like that; when someone treats you in that way. deep down, i know i still feel that way. its hard to see any kind of evidence other than that around here. this town is fully of the one nighters, the girls that never know your name, the guys that never cared to ask for it. they all go together quite nicely, and no one here seems to want much else. ive had married friends, engaged friends, ethical ones and not so, all succomb to some sort of complication and compromise of their states. me? i never wanted that. i wanted a simple thing. i wanted a girl in my life. i wanted one that would actually look up to me... that would enjoy spending time with me. someone to have, to hold. and i had that for a while. and then it left. and i found myself in a whole iof deep depth.

since then, i staggered on through the summer. left again, largely to myself, i find myself trying to reason things out at 4 am... fucking around with newspapers at an assembly line. or driving up and down the highway for no reason at night. just thinking things to myself, that no one else appearantly wants to hear. i hope im not crazy, when i say that id even talked to myself out loud several times. because i felt lonely. because i had no one else to talk to. because i had no one else to hear me. its hard that way. its really fucking hard to go day to day and make some sort of existence for yourself and be thoroughly alone thought it all. especially when the strongest desire of all is to free yourself from loneliness.

yet again, im here. alone in the dark. and nothings changing.

i cancelled all the online profiles and subscriptions i had. it was costing me something like 30 bucks a month to have my likeness put out on the net and papers to be seen. desparation seems to ask for desparate methods. i think in the course of the year... i had maybe a dozen replies or answers. several were spam. none of them even came close to anything id call atractive. so i felt like a fool for doing it. for spending money like that, to bet against a sure thing. people dont bet on the rainfall anymore. why should i bet some girl would look at me. so i killed it all. and i dont feel any better about stopping it as i did about starting it. its all the same really. because nothing changed.

i kind of wonder how much longer its going to be like this. i would like to ask the gods in the sky, why i have to do this. why its not fair at all. why its so hard to have to stay isolated. . . . when every night i hear the girls out laughing in the darkness. and i sit here looking out the cold glass casements. its just lonely some nights. its hard to say you are a complete person when there is nothing call completed. its strange to go to bed alone every night. its hard waking up and not feeling someone next to you. and its worse when you realize no one wants you to.

im not sure where im going with this anymore. im just rambling. im just complaining. and i feel bad, because i feel so unwanted. its just such a terrible thing to think about everynight alone.


.

oh man.

here is my new geek reccomendation... for anyone needing misc cables and such.... please please please pay attention

callcct.com

thats it. forget ANY and EVERY other vendor on earth. the shit is dirt cheap, good to descent quality, and has FREE SHIPPING. yes FREE.

for 25 bucks, i ended up with a 25 foot roll of s-video cable that i needed for this weekend.... gold ended, mind you. plus a 10 foot usb printer cable... which i actually need for my scanner since the 3 foot one it has wont reach.... and 2, double ended, clear coated rounded ata cables... fucking nasty shit man. 25 bones. staples, ahem, sells the printer cable alone for 24.99 before tax. the s-video cable [6 foot variety only!!!!] is listed at 39.99, and the rounded cables max out at 19 inches, and still run 20 bucks a piece. ill know more when i plug them in... especially the s-video cable, but from handling them and stripping back some of the housing on the ata's, everything looks good. its not supreme, ultra grade cable... which is what the belkin shit at staples is... but then again... even if doesnt work right after a year... im still money ahead. again. for geekly cable needs: www.callcct.com all i aske for my geekly rec' is that you drop me on their refferal. i get nothing for it. just pride. sounds like its a small time mom and pop business, and i know alot of people that need some misc cables... just drop me on it in the comments area of the cart, and order up!


second, for geekly points. turns out we have a specific epson digital projector at work... thats suuuuupppposed to be a dummy inactive, non-working, empty-shell unit for display only..... being bored, and thinking it weighed a bit more than the empty plastic shell should.. i cracked her apart. circuit boards are all intact. as are fans, pins, lens and cabling to the rear pannel connectors. all its missing... is the bulb, and a power supply! FUCKING JACKPOT BITCHES. a 2 thousand dollar projector could well be mine for the price of parts and the headache of dissassembly and mounting. god damn it was cool to see that. its still at work, hahahaha locked up into cabinets that only i and management have keys to, but its my project now. werd.



non geek points. well today was so nice, i cut out of here early and went fishing before work. no pole was necessary. fish were plentiful. 3 bottles of icy cold water, and a public park full of sunbathing single beauties later, fishing was had. i met two girls that were pretty cute. no numbers. but they said they go there all the time. werd. just werd. fuckin' one step closer from somewhere other than depressing singlesville. werd.

s

Zack Wylde/Black Label Society - Crazy or High

blah. ducks are phunnie how often do you see elephants, or cougars wading through rain puddles in the middle of town? not nearly as often as ducks. funny critters. this one started quacking at me as i was taking his picture. didnt seem like an angry quack, more along the lines of, --- hey what up? ---- quacking. its so nice walking to class and seeing animal life. atleast animals of the non-student variety. they are plentiful in the library late at night, as ive found. lots of them can be found wearing next to nothing, or like the girl tonight did, just flat out wearing pants that cant cover up your underwear. they were some kind of funky stretch pants that :::gasp:::: happened to be about 3 inches shorter than necessary... so instead of pulling them up and going high-water, she pulled them down, and made sure everyone could see her slutty underpants. it would have been enjoyable. had she not been disgusting. heu. vae victis! alas even.

well ive considerably added to my cd collection... last weeks new arrivals included new albums from Zack Wylde, In Flames, Fear Factory, Anti-Flag, and Machine Head. i must say, that the only cd thats really disappointed me was Anti-Flag. i listen to AFI, so i guess im spoiled, it somewhat ruins punk now... especially the overtly political variety. Machine Head's cd isnt as good as i anticipated. its still absolutely KILLER. but it had more potential. several tracks just seem to be produced better than others, as is typical of the band. all in all its worth a buy. its up there with The More Things Change, as far as being up to snuff. Fear Factory's album has very good moments. but it is decidedly missing Dino. several riffs just seem too bland. Dino tended to keep things pretty tricky as far as rythm went. still.... i have several songs in my head from that album. In Flames cd is better in some respects than i thought. its much more pop-metalish. although i liked the direction the last two albums were going in, this one is away from that. much more tamed. more sellable. its quite good. its just different. and.. something very uncharacteristic... several songs sound the same. every In Flames album has had very distinct tracks to my ear... doesnt feel so this time around. last is Zack Wylde/Black Label Society. dont buy this album, if you are expecting anything like his last 3. youll be sorely surprised, and probably only like 2 tracks of the 16. but. for the daring. this is a great cd. veeeeeery musical. zack is actually singing at the piano on acouple tracks. very different from what theyve done. i can tell hes itching to do something more as a musician... and if his work with Ozzy has taught him anything, you cant play with the volume at 11 all the time.

thank god class shit has finally slowed down for me. all i have to worry about now is latin's day to day stuff, and finals. the group project tonight didnt go quite as expected. the class of 35 turned into a dozen that stayed for it. prolly 5 read the book. 3 had opinions on it. the hour slid by remarkably fast however. i didnt cover all the material on my sheet. let alone hit my rant notes. its so hard not to feel preachy on some of this stuff. but i had to let the kids talk about it. too bad they missed about every interesting point there was about the chapter selections given to us. when i mention a few that i caught, the professor was nodding vigorously and taking copious notes. when the kids and my partners talked, his pen went back into his pocket. prof. mueller even congradulated me on a good job after class. i think only prof santorro has ever done that. maybe thats good. i got an A in santorro's class.... maybe here too.

this weekend appears to be my last one off for quite some time. so it has been decided. the 1st Annual Bad Beer, Bad Movie Marathon is going to commence on saturday afternoon, sometime slightly after lunch. invitations are going to be shot out fairly quickly. seating is limited, those that just show up will have no place to sit, and no beer to drink. but all the bad movies are worth watching. matt and i need to work out the beer list, but the movies have a nice pool to draw from.... expect such endearing works as...

Black Gestapo. Commando. Shaft Out Of Africa. Universal Soldier. Chino [with Charles Bronson] among others. should be a good time. like i said... look for invites to come out. no camping grounds are going to be available... so plan on crashing out at otherpeople's houses. parking is going to be a nightmare. so for now park a block down at the city park. but the fun should start sometime at my place after 1ish. drooooool with anticipation.

..

hahahahahahahahah

slashdot has a hillarious post on what computer programers should earn..... the best part is about 6 posts down.. where some man complains about living off of 45 grand per year as a programmer... he mentions with a family that might not be enough.. ill give him that.. but the kicker.. "45k is probably plenty if you life in iowa or oklahoma or something like that"

hahahahahahahahahaha


its especially funny because its true.

why wont this semester just END... now preferably. even when it does, i dont have much to look forward to. im pretty burnt out on classes right now, but im going to turn around and take a 3 week class as soon as these are done. then. and only then. do i get a break from the crap. ugh. so tired of everything. everyday attendance. required homework. pointless lectures. worthless classmates that never do discussion. end. now. die. wretched courses. and courselike materials.

mom told me to keep telling myself that ive only got 3 classes. 3 freaking classes left now. 2 latin. 1 soc. soc will be done in 3 weeks after my semester ends. then 2 latin classes. 2. i have waited so long to be done with school. im really tired of the undergraduate system. the professors. the students. at this point id be happy just to work for a while. even if it is a crap job. school just infuriates me anymore. ill never earn squat with a bachelors degree. and ill earn even les without it. just 3 more classes. plus 3 weeks. 3 and 3. in fact. if i am prone to suicide. i could double up the latins. be out of here in december. but im not going to. i guess i need the pain. for some reason or another. 3 and 3. just 3 and 3 left to go.




so on onther, non whining thoughts. ...... ...... ...... .... .. .. . . . . .


the rain was beautiful today. i guess im a fucked up person, but i love it when it rains. nice gentle rain. constant deluge. honestly its the best time to walk around and think. or even not think. just walk around. everything stays so cool and crisp. and the constant sound of water is nice to hear. even if it soaks everything in your back pack. twice per day.

http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/3fb9b8b0_1848f/bc/6ba9/__sr_/dd3a.jpg?ph5SghAB2QblKNkK

pretty wet flowers.


3 and 3.

ouch. yet another sign of getting older: attending peoples: 'i got a real job and have to move away' parties. thats the second one ive had to go to this year, and its only 4 months into it. kinda sad. its really good for jimmy though... that kid really needed to get a real job... he just can work at staples his whole life. yet on the other hand, hes made my job a bit easier. now ive lost the last person in the store that could halfway sell plans and do things. again, i stress, its good for him. it is necessary, and its proper for him to move on in this way. hes got a terrible situation with his roommates, so its a good time to get out while he can. but i feel sorry for the kid when all his friends fill two small tables at a bar. and half of them can leave in one car. so the crew from work, their girlfriends, and me; all sat around talking. i ended up talking with tj's girlfriend at the bar for over an hour. shes a cool person. alot different than the type of girl i was expecting tj to have. but like 10 minutes into it, i just get the impression that i dont see them staying together. again, shes not the kind of girl i expected him to have... shes much too home centered and... honestly just more marriage material than i think the guy wants. but thats something else i shouldnt tread far on to. instead, it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex. tj never noticed either.

other random thoughts.... im pretty well fed up with this semester and its classes. latin not as much as the rest, believe it or not. i actually enjoy some of it... despite being really bad at it. nevertheless, im not looking forward to the next couple to finish it out. soc i hate now. atleast albonettis class. with this awful paper. im still trying to figure out how specific i need to be on this rather ambiguous topic. its not working out well. and its due in a matter of hours at this point. great. plus the class in general i dont like. she focuses waaaaaay too much on the text. reading everything, analyzing and remembering everything. id like it much better from a basic philosophical sense. that or at the most minute micro level of impact on the individuals. this in between somewhat theoretical, somewhat scientific halfassing gets really abstract when it shouldnt, and becomes specific at the wrong times. cant wait for this class to be over.

lately i started writing again. usually on lunch breaks, or waiting to go punch in at work. just random snipets of stories and ideas.... nothing really too personal. nothing much about mylife. just ficticious stories that would be nice to elaborate on someday. when i do have the time. just in my mind, i can forsee a really good script coming out of a couple of these.... all kinda based off a dream i had the other night. no. not the one about the dog sex! it was one about war.. about being sent to war and having nothing much to come home to. how does a man fight in a war, in that state? does he go all out. does he stay cautious. is he ambitious. those kind of things. anyway, it just was one of those transport dreams... where you end up transported to some other time and place.... still being yourself.. just in unfamiliar territory. and i remember being in the country side, being attached to a unit that was moving out to reinforce an area the next morning. and i can remember hearing all the guys sit and talk about wives and girlfriends and how they are buying a house, or going to give her a ring when they get back. i can remember that i didnt have anything to say. but i just kept thinking about myself, and how id have none of that to do. id have no place to come back to. and the odds were, alot of these guys with plans, with lives, were going to end up dead the next day.... and if i would live.... how fair would that seem? to them. and to me. and after that i dont remember much else. just more of the principle of it all. of death and dying. of families and of legacy. so i found my self thinking about that the other morning before work. sitting in my car, watching all the families streaming into walmart on a bright saturday morning. thinking about how rewarding that would be to go back to. to walk into . to have. to have a place, to have some one, to have someones' that just wanted you back. i thought about iraq. i thought about how i talked late one night awhile ago with a certain person, about how if push came to shove, id go. how even if i might not agree, if my country asked, i would go. and she cried about that. i didnt think much about it at the time. now i guess i kind of am. i can see my mom being really angry with me if i did it. fighting wars is one thing, but not something her son should do. but then again, i guess once in a great while. fighting wars has to become everyones job. sometimes you cant play favorites when it comes down to it. people just have to do it. that doesnt make it fair though. and thats what i wrote about. how its not fair for one man to die that has everything ahead of him, and another to live that has nothing. sometimes i wonder about how id deal with a situation like that. who would i ever write sappy letters to... who would ever cry for me when left. whod ever want to rush up to the airport to see me home. its an intersting view, thats just stuck with me.

alot on my mind i guess. some of it i cant talk about. but saying that almost makes it worse, on the person that cant talk. you know? to walk around and think about whats going on, and wonder about it all... and never be able to say something. just to wonder how they will make it through. sometimes you just want to let it out, and you cant. it was said, and now it cant be. and it shouldnt be. i just wish it wouldnt matter to me. i wish i could have just said: wow, whatever i dont really care- but i cant do that. not something like that. just weights you down. deeper . and lower. everything changes in a heartbeat i suppose. lifetimes begin and end. all you get to take with you is those memories you had, and all the things you regret never doing. and im still on the latter it seems.

Current Musical Selection: In Flames - Zombie Inc

well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.

which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.

i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.

so what else is supposed to happen today?

Current Musical Selection: Katalina - Carpe Diem

well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.

lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.

Current Musical Selection: Nirvana - Been A Son

so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.

today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.

people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.

Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Toxic

sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?

what else.. something else... gotta be...

ah .

i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.


its your love thats toxic

i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.

hmmm..

i know i wanted to put something else down here.

and i cant think of crap.


i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?


s.

something about waiting over an hour for your professor to show up late to their office hours isnt right. especially when it concerns a students grade, and it was known said student would be there at the begining of office hours. what else? i had to READ to her. she cant read my writing. best yet, shes shaking her head and making faces as i read it. she doesnt even like my point of view... which is factual. just explaining Emile Durkheim, as it was explained to me, by her, in class. not good. stupid fucking professors.

magister marce had an interesting point, that i just unearthed from my notes tonight. after reading catullus and his lovely [hack] poetry, he added a line...

were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.

that made me think.

i wonder.

that maybe.

some day.

if people...

find this....

read it

read it again


and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.


not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?



sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.

first reason; "in all my years, this is possibly the worst handwritting i have ever attempted to grade. i couldn't even attempt to grade it. "

and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.

second reason. shes pretty biased.

for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.

or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.

i hate this university. deeply.

Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Angie [cover]

well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.

well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.

i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.

so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.

but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time

the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.

so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.

in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.

Current Musical Selection: Rainbow - Rising.


sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.

some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.


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