welcome to my new cell. ill spend approximately 9 hours or more per day, looking at these three walls. and if that wasnt bad enough, there is a window into the cube next to me, that keeps the Screws informed of my doings. nothing like jailhouse snitchery on the first day. anyone else who would like to send me cube paintings or wall art, im happy to post it. right now i have a telephone directory from 2001, and the addresses of the various offices around the area. i have a phone on my desk, though i really dont know what the number is, and worse yet, i found out i dont know how to use it either. oh! i had a spare pc power cable wadded up in the corner! and i got someone's printed at home business card gathering dust. the coffee mug and car keys were furnished by me... as were the random office supplies. grr. more info later. day one is done.

in a few hours, ill be on the job. and its starting to make me nervous. little things like, am i dressed right? can i bring coffee in? where the hell do i actually sit? what am i supposed to do when i walk in the door? when do i get to eat lunch? what the hell am i going to do all day? how am i going to remember anything? sigh. the typical pre-first day jitters.

its alot. its a big change for me. i have to keep telling myself its no longer a job, its now a career. im the youngest by far at what ill do. and according to the vice president at the interview; "were going to take a chance on you." that started to sink in over the weekend. i dont know why. on some level i wonder why im there, i dont really need them to come out and say they wonder too. i dont know. im just hoping i fall asleep tonight, rather than rolling around wondering about everything. i guess in times like these i try to look for comfort things. this time around, there isnt much. the last few jobs ive known someone that work there. not this time. the last few times i knew what to expect. i dont really know this time. the last job had very little to do with me pushing product, and everything with people going to a name... this time, people know the name but they have to come screaming to me to want it. its a stark, white change. so. im bumbling around matching ties to pants and feeling gernearlly manic about something that wont happen until tomorrow. but i am kind of getting nervous about it.

Scott's Vehicle. V.4.0

this is her, yet unnamed, with stickers removed and plates put on!

s

yes people, im lonely. get off my back. im not angry. im not suicidal. im fucking lonely. im tired of being single. i hate it. whenver i remind myself of being with someone, it makes me very mad to remember im not now. people take so much for granted in relationships. it seems like, someone like me who doesnt do that, who tries not to miss a beat; never gets the chance. im frustrated. obviously. im tired of getting NO as an answer to anything i ask, when the question is ME. im tired of marking No Guests on tickets and RSVPs. i hate getting looked at because i sit by myself at restaurants on the "date nights" of the week. i feel like im some sort of monster because no women call me or want to talk to me. why cant one girl take me seriously? why isnt there one attractive woman on the face of the earth thats interested in me? why is it that everyone always says, "its not so bad" but never trades places with me, or never bothers to help? how come everyone is so scared to talk to me. how come the only thing worse than talking to me [as a female] is trying to find someone who would be interested in me? how come you cant admit if you have any feelings for me or not? how come its such a sin to be seen with me in public, or have people know you are with me? when the hell does all of this become my turn to get some? to get a person? to get a date? to get a partner? when.

...

i thought id expand on something. tonight i had a coversation with an ex-girlfriends current beau. and id have to say, id never done that. i think in the past when the opportunities always arose, id leave. avoid comments. just get out of there. i look at every failed relationship as that. a failure. i dont make a habbit of running into relationships for the hell of it, i try only to do it when i feel genuinely moved so. so naturaly, when something doesnt work out right, or you realize someone just doesnt share any feelings about you, its failure. maybe a failure in judgement, or communication, or in love iteself. its difficult to go back to a failure and do something with that. so i generally dont. i take my information when it happens and move. so going back to talk to ex's or their current's doesnt make alot of sense to me anymore. i could say alot of things. i could say nothing good, and just run with those feelings of rejection [since ive never once been able to break up with anyone that i felt attracted to], and see what street they run down. but i dont want to do that. i also dont want to come across as total pyscho and start talking a million good points about someone. i look at it and go, if someone never had a bad thing to say about an ex, why did they break up? so. with that point of view, i knowingly carry around a list of reasons in my head and on my soul that say, hey; heres why. so its difficult to be around people, or answer questions to currents. like when a boyfriend came up to me later on, and asked what fragrence my ex girlfriend wore; because he appearantly couldnt tell. it was hard to tell him what it was. its hard to think about what it smelled like. its hard to remember the times when i could smell it and feel like he does. not difficult to do it. painful to do it. hard to relive old experiences for someone else. tonight i had one of those conversations. and it was hard to come up with what to say. really hard. but in the same vein it felt good to talk. it felt good to be able to be useful. when someone asks for directions, its refreshing that you can give them the way. and maybe i dont do that. maybe i just say what the wrong roads are to take. besides. all i know is failure. i know how things dont work out right. i know, appearantly, very little about making someone happy. i know nothing about successful relationships. i have no clue what its like to have someone really be happy with me. so the correct road is one that has the elusive name that isnt on my map. and its hard to try to guide someone around where it should be, when, i guess, i have no clue where that is. and that, folks, is the feeling i have most of all. i find them. i do everything imagineable to make them see me, and like me, and want to be around me. but it fails. being me, fails. there isnt any duller way to state it. be plain. be in the wrong. i dont just run after girls. i get a feeling after talking and getting to know someone, and those rare couple times i get a feeling stronger than that. its failure. in the end, thats what it is. its an idea that i get, that i think i can do something, or end up somewhere with someone. but its a failure. because i cant get anything right. i cant make anyone like me, any more than i can make it rain. i cant make them decide to quit making the excuses to avoid me. i cant come up with a way to be special. i can be honest, open, trusting, and loyal. but its not in fashion. i can be strong, concerned, and motivated. but its not what they look for. i can be myself. and that gets the quickest answer of anything. failure. and its a narrow line to walk to consider yourself a failure about things. but, lying to myself, wouldnt make it any less true. just less obvious. for example, say i call a girl, i try to see her, i buy her things, i send her cutesy letters 3 times a week. if she finds 50 reasons to ignore me, not to see me, or be busy; what really have i got? ive got a lie i sleep on, that says Shes In To Me. what i really have is nothing. ive got myself setup allready to see my own self fail at what i want. which is nothing more than someone to want me. just me. and what happens when someone just cant ever get it done? there is a name for them. ... its difficult, more so each time, to try and set out for someone. i guess i realize thats the only way to do it. thats why i only go when i feel something. when im serious about what i want, i make a serious effort. one thats seriously not wanted by anyone. in fact the worst part of it all is getting told white lies. girl saying things to get me by, or to ditch me "nicely" when all they want is me to be gone. for good. when someone talks about being busy, then ends up out others. it hurts a bit. its not fair. its never fair to be the one thats pushed away. its not fair to be told no, because you are who you are. a very good friend of mine, while falling asleep on me late one night once told me, "you would be the perfect guy to be married to. but i could never date you, and i dont know how to be attracted to you" and that made sense after all these years. the only advice anyone has ever come up with, "theres other fish in the sea" appearantly people that fail alot, are supposed to be used to it. appearantly fishing is about never catching anything because there is always something else. i think fishing is about catching and keeping. but ive never liked it. because i never win. even if ive come to feel welcomed by it. its always gone in the end. and how many times do you spin the yarns about all of those fish that kept getting away, before someone realizes you just cant fish. it isnt one person. it isnt even all of them. its much more than that. its about being a failure. its about living as one. its about never getting a chance you know so deeply that you deserve. its about coming to the realization of how things were, not of how you want them to be. and its a difficult thing to talk about to someone who doesnt seem to have that in common with you. you talk about how you fail, for their success. someone has what you wanted, and now wants to take your help to keep her. its a system of being a cog but never a wheel. how can anyone ever understand what its like to be rejected by them, when they havent? so then i find myself typing about the one that didnt want me. and what do you say? do you put it honestly, do you risk a spin to someone that would never buy it? or do you just do what i did. and gave truth when i could, and tried to be happy when i wasnt. because ive learned that no matter what, no one cares about the one left over. the focus goes to that perfect couple. the two love birds. the stunning image of love in form. people like to forget about the ones that got in the way. and its ironic how sometimes the people in the way, dream at night about the ones that get away. how satisfying it would be to have and hold a person that you knew. inside and out. but it isnt that way. it isnt true what we dream, its true that we fall short. that we fail. again and again. and thats what keeps dreams as they are. just something we need to fall asleep to at night.

well. on a light note first. the new God Forbid album, The Constitution of Treason, fucking shreds. i keep getting more and more impressed with them the more i hear them. good shit. the opening lead for the first track screams impending metal. love it.

heavier notes.

. im checking out cars. its hard. in the past three days ive looked at well over 200 cars. in a 30 mile area. ive got it somewhat narrowed down. and before anyone says much, im buying something used. im only looking to finance about 10 grand, the job just isnt paying me enough to do more and feel comfortable. but i need something steady that i can drop miles on. something with some cargo space, that looks professional still, that i can take one or two people in, with comfort. 4 wheel drive is something im not really willing to part with. because i want something i can take off road. i guess, i want to be able to do it. and with a sedan i just cant. so weve been scouring the area looking for stuff. im pretty convinced an suv is the way to go. gas mileage aside, it fits everything else.

. car insurance on something like that is a joke. on my current grand am, i pay about 375 a year, it would spring up to 1500 on a 2000 Grand Cherokee. yeeeeouch. i do get one good note, that it will drop down considerably when i turn 25 in a few weeks. something like half as much or so. i also have to have a rediculously high rate of coverage per work's requirement.

. cell phones in southern iowa are an abomination. it looks like verizon is going to be my best bet. cingular told me "we are striving to improve the quality of our network coverage in that region" but nothing very assuring of when. plus, i like the motorolla e815 phone. flip phone. good battery life. large buttons. bluetooth. sounds like a winner.

. living at home is getting better. but i feel like i want to break out in to charley sheens speach from Apoc. Now. about how every day in here i get weaker, and charley out squatting in the bush, gets stronger. its hard to feel like im much of an adult, rotting in my parents basement for shit pay. but i dont have a choice. i feel like a baby that i cant have friends over or have much of a life anymore. but i dont have a choice. food is free. no rent. no worries about if i can pay heating bills. i just dont have a choice not to.

. relationship wise. im a wreck. i honestly feel like im worse off than ive ever been. not only do i not have anyone, i dont have any probables, and i dont have any way to meet anyone else. its rough. right now, id really like to have a relationship. to have some kind of support. to have some kind of feel good. there just isnt any. no quarter to be given the army of the invader. i feel extremely close to someone, but am getting the impression that maybe all along, she never was in to me. just put up a good face for it. the truth is, who cares. i always knew how it would turn out.

. giving advice to other people is interesting now. its nice not to think much about myself and whats going on with me, but to indulge in other's. yet again, i have to reiterate that its quite a feeling to know everyone is moving on. marriages, kids, etc. its great. i really am happy for everyone. even for the current of an exgirlfriend, i just cant say how perfect it is that somene makes her happy. thats the kind of thing thats more important than i could ever be, that someone is happy in the end. truely happy. if it was me that did that, awesome, if its someone else, thats really awesome. i just know that i cant sit and be anything but happy for her. for both her's.

well mission mostly complete. i made it up to see mr. philip levine read again. but especially, i got to hear him again. the man has a wonderful bold voice, when he uses it. but often keeps to the frail old man tone. he seems so much like a grandfather to me. ofcourse i never really had one, that was alive for me to remember long atleast. his stories dart in and out about what hes written. most of the time he gives a 10 minute story about the inspiration of 4 words in a poem, which we, as a young audience, may or may not know. then he just goes off sometimes. like his story about Henry Ford. i wish id have caught the whole thing on tape, but i was trying to conserve some as i only brought one cassette. regardless, it explains the use of "us niggers and kikes" in one of his poems, but given with his resounding description of Ford as, "quite a mother-fucker". surprisingly, it met with general laughter. i was in a bit of awe. not that he said it, but how everyone reacted to it. i remember the first time i saw him do a reading, i was warned that hed swear some times. he said shit, several times that night, but never in a venomous way. tonight he had some gusto behind several of his phrasings, to the tune of which i hadnt heard. i like going to hear him read his work though. so much of poetry is lost in how we construct it in our heads or in our voices. the educational system has wasted poetry for most people before they can begin to realize it. when some asshat in 4th grade made you rhyme everything, or burned you becuase you couldnt write fucking hiku's... or later on when you heard 'sonnett" and though "fuck it', it was all ruined. and it got worse for me, as i grew older, the university made me look at things like juxtaposition, and hidden meanings and obscure phrasings as key important features. but by the time i looked at it long enough to see all that, id forgotten what the poem was about, and how it was trying to say it. and while im sure you can analyze levine's work, if you hear him read it, youll ask yourself why youd ever want to. for him its all a story. the free verse works. its not about being metaphorical. its about spinning a good yarn. either a false one or a true one. one that makes sense or one that doesnt. its all a story. and after you hear him read them as he sees them. it all makes so much more sense. it made me glad that i went to see him five years ago. even more so when i can see him now. plus. hanging around a lobby long enough has some rewards. as you can see in the picture above, he was on his way out to the car, but he was kind enough to atleast drop his name in my copy.

For those keeping score at home, this was from wedding #6 of the year. I was officially invited to 7, had 2 more i could have gone to, and still a couple left this fall. sigh. this is getting rediculous. atleast i can say, im running out of friends that can get married. anyhow. these are my cousins, Jessica [left-the bride], and Rachel [right-maid of honor]. its really odd to see them like this. while i dont remember jess so much growing up, i remember alot of rachel. i just still see her being a 9 year old girl in my head. quite a bit off from where shes at now. jess is my age or a year younger, and i know rachel is 2 years younger. sigh. both girls have kids already, rachel is in a pretty secure relationship, and jess married the father of hers this weekend.

well... the new job starts on wednesday... and here it is. practicaly tuesday. im apprehensive to say the least. there are alot of things to worry about when you start a new job. most of them dont bother me. its the job its self that bothers me. im hoping i can turn this into a way to make some money. serious money. that was the one question that really shook me at the interview stage; was how do you feel about not having a support net for income, that you earn your own wage? i told them; "im not sure" honestly ive never done that before. and while there is a token amount, they are right, i decide how much money i want to make doing this. territory aside, it is up to me. my sister started in on me about cold calling tonight. how she hates it. im trying my hardest not to formulate an opinion on it. but i can see how id hate it, if i sat at a desk 9 hours a day calling people to get them to buy shit. my motivation is if they half way sound interested i can go see them. im not chained to the desk. and i dont pass on a hot call to someone else to close it. im setting my appointments for sales. in that sense, im writing my own pay checks. in a way thats quite exciting. give it a few weeks to see if ive changed my mind. regardless. its all still there. there are alot of things to look forward to as just being different. in a job sense, i could use different right now. id rather not stay in retail. getting stuck at a desk all the time could be dull. so atleast this is a job that pays me to go out and see people. even if i have to put in some time on the phones first. so. ive been gobbling up all the crappy sales manuals and books i can find. ive read tom hopkins, the art of selling, cover to cover 3 times in a week. it has alot of common sense in it. maybe it will pay off.

the last few days have been sketchy. ive been all over the place, so appologies to everyone that calls me that gets voice mail. being in and out of RK ive tried to keep my phone off, and being around the state makes it tough to keep a cell signal... something i know will have to change soon. i looked over the coverage maps and notice cingular/att [whom i use now] has about 0% coverage in southeast iowa. gr. but then again, i couldnt get a signal sitting at my apartment half the time either. and even when i lived in town, it was half of what it should have been. i started reading the premature paper work from RK... turns out i get 2 weeks vacation next year, but have to wait 7 years to get a third week. i get the standard days off [thanksgiving, 4th of july, xmas, new years] but thats about it. and i get one personal day per quarter to use, never to accumulate more than 4 days at a time. eeesh. not much wiggle room. but i guess its hard to sell if you are never there. and time will tell how close they watch me. i suppose if im selling, or atleast showing progress, they may not care if i shave an hour here and there on the road, or if i stick around "fort madison sales stop" long enough in iowa city, that i cant make it back before 5pm to find me. or whatever the time is. i havent heard hours yet. the only thing ive seen is employees who work more than 30 hours per week. i cant imagine a job like that letting you put in less than that.

i shouldnt be posting this... even if she doesnt read this. but a certain female friend of mine is running into man problems right now, but... what she said just rang really well with me...

"Im so in love that it scares me... hes honestly one of the best things thats ever happened to me"

you know, i have never, ever, in my life hear a woman use those words about me. and no matter how bad a situation might be... woah. that sentiment would mean alot more to me than whatever mistakes she might make. yes, i would not let her off the hook for murder, or fucking around behind my back; but. geez. thats a really, really complementing set of syllables to put up there. if i ever heard those words about myself from someone else, i dont know how i could do anything against that person. that to me is someone that wants a deep committment, but is just struggling with making that work in an environment that doesnt encourage it. my advice. you stick it out kid. if you feel that way about someone, you never stop for something petty. you never let them go for something they might say. you cant just walk out. ive spent my life going for sure things. thats easy money. being scott's lovelife says, there aint easy money. so you dont get alot of quick grabs. you dont get someone that says something like that. so ive always scrapped for what i felt to be what i wanted. even today. im not too naieve to admit that, i am not any closer to a relationship to someone than i was 5 years ago. but i try. i will be annoying. i will hound them to death. i will go out of my way to kill a girl with kindness. ill pay for dinenrs, for movies, for flowers, and not stop to think. because i want them to know what i think. and. if they reject that. then i dont want them to take the easy money and kick scott to the curb. i want them to have to kick the most thoughtful, ever present, and gracious man theyve ever met; kick him to the curb. if you want me gone, you have to see and consider everything about me, and tell the best of me to go to hell. and thats been done. its been done several times. but i havent stopped. ive wanted to. ive abandoned the practice all together of looking. but when i find someone i think is worth that much to me, i still suit up and go with the A-game. even last week i was thinking to myself, "am i wasting my time with all this? is she ever going to stop and say, i really appreciate you?" the answer could be no. could be yes. but finding a girl that would say words to me, like "im so in love with you it scares me" , thats the kind of girl you look for. this guy, who really doesnt know me, and has no clue what she said, should really be lucky. not that he didnt hear it. but because she said it. and sometimes we dont always get to hear the things that are important. but it doesnt mean someone isnt saying it. thats something to feel right about. we feel wrong in an argument or an act of stupidity, but we never feel right about the things that we should feel right about. even for a person like me, who once was described as "a rough exterior with a nastier interior", sees the simplicity and the justice of stating those feelings when you have them. i know of a couple someone's that could testify that i say things like that. but saying things and doing things are different. thats where shes at. right now, id say, this guy couldnt do much wrong, and she shouldnt let herself think about doing anything wrong. just stop and thing about everything thats right about that situation as it is right now. stop and tell him what you told me. because deep down, not only is it a great thing to feel that way about someone, but its even better to hear that from someone else. and sometimes you just have to go with that.

well good news!

ive told a couple people, but today made it official; i now have a job!

RK Dixon has hired me; ill be a sales rep for the document services equipment division... really its software, copiers, duplicators and such, but its a start. ive been given a territory... which ill have to admit, is pretty cool. the only thing im not overly happy about is the pay... lets say its about what you earn working part time; but the position is heavy on comission sales. according to the team there, making money isnt going to be a problem if i do what they teach me. so. its not alot different than what i did for staples... just its gigantic sized upgrade in terms of price and productivity... some of the equipment i sell has listed prices of nearly a million bucks. nifty? yes. pressure? oh yeah. plus there is alot that sells for less than that. and i make a kick off of all of it. so. well see what happens. im excited. its a job. its a future for a while. its with a company that has a great reputation. so ill see what i can do. as a related note; expect a phone number change... the territory i have really doesnt get along well with cingular coverage, and my contract is up anyhow. plus i can bump up to a phone thats slick. i say maybe on the number change, because it appears att/cingular tend to be quite the bitches about porting numbers about. so well see what happens. and a car upgrade. ill put it this way.... if im lucky, ill only put 2000 miles on my car a month!


on some other notes

looks like no rain yet. i cant remember a forecast like this in october. where we havent gotten rain in months, and its not cold in october. usually... its cold, has a hard freeze early on, and i remember several years having snow flakes come down on halloween. this year... were calling for nearly 80 degrees monday and tuesday. 80 flipping degrees. its just not right.

ive finally gotten Man On Fire, to watch on dvd. a certain emily has been on my behind for months to see this movie... thats a lot of hype. so i should get it watched tomorrow. finally.

i have to be at a wedding all day saturday in des moines. its a cousin, that i dont really think ever much intereacted with as a kid. i was too little, she was too old. anyways. shes on marriage number 2 this time. has a kid to prove it. should be somewhat interesting i guess. i dont want to go. its relatives we dont do much with, and we just went to her brothers wedding in mid september... so were seeing them a bit more than we generally do in 10 years in 2 months. i do believe its at a catholic church too. which i found odd. they never went to church as kids, and i didnt think catholics much liked divorces in their church.

i hope to be in iowa city sunday or monday. plans can changes, but for anyone reading this that wants to schedule and appearance, let me know, id like to make a trip of it. certain people wont need to ask!

well boston's season ended a couple days ago. and i just saw the yankees lose to the angels... so. all in all, its not a total wash! regardless. the team has alot of problems to solve for next year. free agents. zero pitching. an empty bench. injuries like you wouldnt believe.

free agents.

johnny damon - keep him, if we can afford him. he flirted with .350 most of the season, and brought in 75 runs from the leadoff spot. hes on base. he can steal bases [only caught once in nearly 20 times]. hes a steady guy, who is going to give guidance to the new crop of players that are going to have to emerge in the next few seasons. rumor is he wants 10 million plus, for five years. try and split him for 3, and use that cash to by a replacement for damon's injury times, and to replace gabe kapler who is questionable now. offer him incentives to play in 155 games or better, to have an onbase percentage of .400 or make his K to BB ration be about 2 to 3 or better.

kevin millar - boot him. a great guy. fantastic clubhouse guy. but nothing comes on the field with him the past year and a half. his power is gone. he slugs 40 points better than his on base: pathetic. in 130 games, he cant hit double digit dingers in the lower lineup, where they are going to pitch to him. hes slow. in 3 years hes stolen 4 bags. TOTAL. hes above average with the glove, but just cant hit at night or on the road.

john olerud - keep him, but cheap. hes a back up. nothing more than that. he plays no more than pinch hits and once every 3 or 4 days. hes too old. no power. no speed. no threat for anything against most teams than a base nock. keep him cheap for a year, offer incentives for a second year based on stats.

mike timlin - this is hard. keep him for now. alot like damon. no more than 2 years, mid priced at best. he cant handle it with runners on, alot of his power is gone, and he showed problems with control all year. keep him cheap, he isnt much, but this bullpen doesnt have shit for right now. get him to give up less than a hit an inning, and almost one k per inning, and hes back on track. right now hes over worked at 81 appearances, and it shows when he only converts 13 of 20 save op's.

tony graffanino - keep! how cant you? great young player. ok speed. good defense. hell get better at hitting for average. hell come cheap. pay him it, and dangle incentives for performance in base running and fielding. his onbase was 75 points better than his average! only because he wont walk. get him to take base on balls, and let him run on the paths. hes smart, hes not getting caught much. so lock him up for 4 years.

bill mueller - keep. pay him about what he asks. 2 years. get youklis up and going, so that you can transition him around. when the time comes, we could get a descent arm, or a couple of young talent for him in a trade. for now, hes doing the job. he hits for average pretty well, good on base; but his best power year of 19 dingers and 80 rbis was years ago. solid glove.

zero pitching.

this has to change. the rotation of wakefield, clement, schilling, wells, arroyo; needs something. wake is fantastic. clement needs a rebound. fast. he was amazing pre break, but after wards hes lost alot of control. if by the allstar break this year, he isnt looking solid [regardless of w/l and era], shop him. schil... ive loved curt since his days in philly... long before anyone cared about bloody socks, or diamond backs. but pal. youre getting real old, real fast. schil has to be solid. not dominant. but reliable. if hes going to throw up 4 runs a start, thats fine. if he can only go 6 innings. im ok. but we have to know. right now hes so inconsistent it cant happen with him there. i know he was hurt. but. its not working. boomer? boomer is a question mark. hes older than schil, and he comes and goes. hes still got good stuff. hes got the nerve. but i dont think hes got it for every 5th day anymore. id love to pull him back into a spot starter on key games, and keep him as long relief for the empty pen. bron. buddy. you are dynamite. but keep it in the yard. keep him in the 5 hole, but be prepared to shuffle him out. so that leaves us with question marks on 2, 3, 5. and a slot at 4. we need to shop some reliable starting pitchers this winter! two words... AJ BURNETT. get this guy! a solid inning eater, and someone with electric stuff. mark mulder is on the list. a lefty would be nice, so a mark redmond is good. then we need to snag a spot starter. someone from triple A is fine. or a solid buy like julian tavarez. but the pen. the bullpen is empty. we need a closer. foulke doesnt have it. ive never liked him. buy up billy wagner. lock him for his 3 years. hes worth it. pray timlin, should he stay, can play setup again. restock the pen with 2 righties. one for middle innings, so what if he gives up bombs... as long as he can eat innings. one righty for spots for tough oughts [ie Sheffield, Vlad. Guerrero, type batters]; he needs quick stuff, nasty breaking ball. a former closer would be good. next. pickup a strong left arm. hard breaking ball, good change up. mid speed heat. hes going to need spot work for other tough outs. last get another right hander to take a chance on. someone young. we need the youth. thats a minimum for the pen. anything else would be fantastic.

the empty bench syndrome.

right now, we have zero defensive depth. we have light hitting. and we have the slowest crew of assholes ive ever seen. we need speed. get a young guy, outfielder or middle infield, light hitter, descent arm, descent glove, but can run. flat out haul ass. we can teach him to steal, but we need speed for the slow bats like manny, papi, olerud, varitek, etc, in the late innings. next. we need a first baseman who can play back up. i dont care if hes had 2 knee replacements. he needs a glove. good solid glove. if he can hit for occasional power, hes the man. we need one outfielder to plan on playing every 2nd day or 3rd all game. damon will get hurt. manny will slump at some point, and trot is going to get tired out there. we need someone who has ok range, a good arm, who can hit better than average, who is a smart base runner.. not fast. but smart. pick up someone elses trash for this. a guy like tim salmon, eli marreno, mondesi, brian jordan.. someone like that. we need a middle infielder. renteria isnt getting done all the time with the glove. so back as before, we need a glove, solid defense. good range. who cares if he cant hit? he aint playing to knock them in! rey sanchez is my pick. royce clayton is a bit much, but hed be ok. we need another catcher. doug mirabelli is on his way out. snatch up jason larue. hell come cheap for multi years. give us a good solid right handed bat to rest 'Tek with. dude hits .320 in the daylight, hes perfect for the day-after-night games. his on base is 100 points over his average, and his sluggin is 100 better than that. hes a layered player. then a miscellaneous power bat. who? dunno. burnitz, tino martinez, someone like that. someone who knows the game. that can just come in and get shit done. who is a power threat still, even if he doesnt keep power numbers.

injuries galore!

first. gabe kapler. this one hurt. the ruptured achillies in the final days of the season... we need him back. hes a great younger guy. good speed. good bat. he has to bounce back for us to contend. schilling. if he cant come back from this ankle shit on a fresh year, hes on the block by july 1. no ifs, or buts. we cant keep his salary or his liability with his age. damon. if we get him back, hes got to stay healthy. otherwise, hes going to cost us alot in replacement players and time on the dl. we need a rally guy who can get on base, and just play hard nails ball. like lenny dykstra. foulke. either youre a superstar, or youre going superfar away. make or break on your ass. make it, means you keep a set up job. breaks means we option you. providing we can pick up wagner, or someone of his caliber.

final thoughts....

so. what im expecting is about a 50 million dollar upkeep cost. if you dont, its going to be another 90 years to world championship. the nucleus of this team has been strong starting pitchers and tremendous middle offense. patch up the leaks in the rotation with a couple of reliable arms like burnett, redmond... hell even glendon rusch if the cubs drop him. but the goal has to be buy base runners for ortiz and manny to bring in. plain and simple. second. buy some defense. we dont need anything else. next season though... watch for a fire sale from a few teams to grab talent. the cubs. the rangers. the diamond backs. the dodgers. the giants. if these teams cant be half way competetive by the break, they have some talent and some dollars to drop. we could pick up some great deals on people like aramis ramierez, ray durham, glaus, jeff kent, jason schmidt, pedro feliz, shawn greene, ricky leede... lots of guys i bet, are going to go next year at clubs that cant make it. most of them mortgaged 2006 on this years supposed play off chances... if they stink early on, the air is going to smell sweet with deals for us. regardless. we need to spend some cash over the winter. why? because the yankees WILL. i guarantee it. they are going to move some of the old talent they have, and buy up anyone young with the stuff. look at randy johnson, jeter, sheffield... money is no object if you put up numbers and that club will pay a premium for a ring. problem is. there will not be a play off next year. if new york is going to tie, its not going to be for 2nd... they will do whatever it takes to be #1 next year. the devil rays cant get any worse, baltimore will slide, but the blue jays will stay mid card or higher. thats a problem. without a signifficant talent upgrade, were going to be fighting for the mid card with the blue jays to take #2 in the division. looking ahead, cleveland has what it takes, chicago is a threat, and oakland and texas are bubbles, but all for the wild card. its not going to be another eastern divison team next year. so. pony up now. pay burnett whatever it takes. pay extra for wagner. invest in young speed, mid aged middle relief, and a solid first baseman, then just buy to cover holes. with some luck, we can get lucky next year.

one of my favorite modern poets wrote this, Philip Levine... im copying it from his 1979 work: Ashes, Poems New and Old. if his publisher or he finds this, please dont sue me. im poor. but i really enjoy his poetry. i first saw him do a reading about 5 years ago. it was a cold fall night, and he was in the shambaugh auditorium at iowa. id had a vague idea about his past, that he was connected with the writers workshop, so as a free event, i thought id go. i always hated poetry. but after i heard him read them, it was quite different. it was alot like prose stories and thoughts. and the sound of his voice had matched what i had in my head. so. as i sit on this first crisp fall evening, several years later, i came across this paperback copy, and thought id share... in a reminiscing mood.


LOST AND FOUND

A light wind beyond the window,
and the trees swimming
in the golden morning air.
Last night for hours I thought
of a boy lost in a huge city,
a boy in search of someone
lost and not returning. I thought
how long it takes to believe
the simplest facts of our lives--
that certain losses are final,
death is one, childhood another.
It was dark and the house creaked
as though we'd set sail for
a port beyond the darkness.
I must have dozed in my chair
and wakened to see the dim shapes
of orange tree adn fig against
a sky turned gray, and a few
doves were moaning from the garden.
The night that seemed so final
had ended, and this dawn becoming
day was changing the moment
by moment-- for now there
was blue above, and the tall grass
was streaked adn blowing, the quail
barked from their hidden nests.
Why give up anything? Someone
is always coming home, turning
a final corner to behold the house
that had grown huge in absence
now dull and shrunken, but the place
where he had come of age, still
dear and like no other. I have
come home from being lost,
home to a name I could accept,
a face that saw all I saw
and broke in a dark room against
a wall that heard all my secrets
and gave nothing back. Now he
is home, the one I searched for.
He is beside me as he always
was, a light spirit that brings
me luck and listens when I speak.
The day is here, and it will last
forever or until the sun fails
and the birds are once again
hidden and moaning, but for now
the lost are found. The sun
has cleared the trees, the wind
risen, and we, father and child
hand in hand, the living and
the dead, are entering the world.

[ Story - Quad City Times, 5 Oct 2005 ]

At first glance people wouldnt care much. Davenport North is my high school of graduation. Davenport North, while I attended, and up until 2 years ago, had no swimming pool. At Davenport North, in those previous years, we never, ever, heard a complaint from the general population about not having swimming in gym.

So. The school district, the ymca, and several loud parents and swim team members pushed and bitched. A few years ago, 6.5 million dollars was coughed up by our destitute school district to dig a hole and fill it with water. Sure part of that paid for an auditorium, which, my school also lacked... but hell... we lived with a gym for 12 years that was 1/3 the size of my jr. high's. And by poor, i mean, bare bones broke, according to the school district budgeting, or how theyve issued 47 million dollars in bonds in the past few years. but i digress. they dropped in a pool which was structured that they pay the building costs, and defer any day to day payments, maintenence or staffing, for 25 years. in return, they have free use of the facility, and donate the land. ... see where this is becoming a problem?

we now have swimming classes, on our schools property, for kids that didnt want to swim. the classes are taught by gym staff, only half a pool at a time! because the ymca retains the right to allow half the use of the facility for "paying" patrons. so. the question is. when someone dies, or is injured... who pays?

this week a student, professing several times how he can not swim, drowned the first day in the pool in his mandatory "water safety course" per the school district. my thought was why the hell did that happen? the police department have deemed it accidental. really.... kids choose to drown? kids that cant swim, in 11 feet of water, with no training, choooooose to drown? no. what they should have established was the drowning was not accidental, it was foreseeable. unfortunate. unintended. but god almighty, quite forseeable. think for a second about this application of logic... is it "accidental" if a soldier dies 20 seconds on the battle field, if we revoked the 8 week boot camp, and time in theater, before hes sent out? is it "accidental" when an accountant defrauds a company, when the accountant has no certifications? is it "accidental" to loose control of an suv moving 80 miles an hour on ice covered streets, while the driver is drunk? no. in every instance, its a definite risk of entailment. not an accident. its an assumed liability. this school district took off assuming the possibility of death, and wishes it didnt happen.

while the school district is going to cling tightly to its bible of state policy, and quote the scripture stating, "we were following policy!", its not much justice to family or the situation. in presuming the only method of "water safety" was to drunk children, the school district is erroneous on several counts. first, that its not an accident that kids who cant swim will drown; two water safety can be taught from a book, or video, or other clever yet decades outdated technological marvel the schools could afford.

what am i hitting at? water safety is more than a shitty swimming lesson from an overweight frat drop out... er gym teacher. its about [drum roll] Safety, around water! for students that can swim; getting in the pool is great. but what about those that cant? id presume theyd be smart enough not to go in the water... this presumes more than the school district, which feels they should be soundly submerged. after all, its educational this way. however. maybe they will now reconsider ways of alternative education... say... for non-swimmers; how to recognize the hazards of open water, how to save a person from shore, what safety mechanisms are around you to use, cpr or rescue breathing and shock treatment, or just the generic fat ass paper on how you can die swimming. for swimmers; they could HAHA actually learn a life saving technique, cpr or rescue breathing, how to tandem save a person, how to inspect for safe swimming, how to watch for signs of non swimmers struggling, and prove proficiency in swiming. isnt that educational? more so than watching a classmate die, on his first day. which is tragic. its terrible. and its heart breaking.

anyways. the sadest part of the story is. kids who cant swim, are going to be forced into the water. this is the age of "not my fucking kid!" in education; where parents can pull kids from health class for fear of boobies; yank kids out of science for fear of man and the monkey; and run screaming if we dont gratify the young, budding, homosexual in class we all profess to love--- just not that way. in this age, i can refuse vaccinations of dangerous diseases, that even Ethiopia can conquer, because my child is amish.... but. my child can not opt out of potentially deadly "water safety" education without penalty. lets mull on this. my child, is required to fullfil the course requirements, even if he feels unsafe to the point of potential injury or death to participate, or he risks academic penalty. how wrong is this? its just, according to our courts, for christian science nut jobs to not vaccinate for measles mumps and rhubella then turn them loose with our children... its just, that students can be removed from class rather than see a shitty 2D diagram of a cut away vagina... and its just, that we make sure that every gay kid will not be referred to as such that they are... but its not just for my kid to get the hell out of a dangerous situation, where HE OR SHE FEELS INCOMPETENT TO SUSTAIN THEIR OWN LIFE.

this is rediculous. and its far from "accidental" when this poor kid dies in the water because of it. he did it because otherwise hed fail gym. hed fail it. who fails gym? convicts pass pe. they have passing grades for kids with CP that will never understand they cant walk. but they would fail this kid if he wouldnt get in that water. he got in way over his head. and did the school district predict this kind of thing? with no lifeguard on this side, for the kids that cant swim, but one for the lap swimmers.... cant they see that they are missing the student who voiced concerns about not making it? not once in 30 minutes did they? not once! god dammit. isnt that the kid you want to watch the closest? isnt that the one you dont let go of as an instructor? because what if that was your kid? and accident is something dropping. a dish. a spoon. this kid couldnt swim, they put him in the water, then didnt bother to look for him in 30 minutes. thats no accident. thats a horrid truth to all of this.

so now that im standing on my alan shore soap box, i have to say. this is a travesty. this is incompatible with what we want our children to learn... teaching water safety shouldnt result in the death of a student, it shouldnt. its wrong. but it happens now. and they were following policy. policy, in this sense, became more important that seeing to the life of a student. policy said, get this kid in the water. and policy says its "accidental" if this is the result. ... where do we draw the line? automobiles are a top killer of kids in high school; but we dont require "drivers education", its not only optioned, but its expensive to deter it! if a childs' parents fear for his mind to warp around a notion of men and women having sex, he can come out of class. no harm. no foul. but put kids in a life threatening situation, even when they tell us they dont feel safe, and it a requirement. a requirement like no other they face. one that in this circumstance, wrongfully robbed a family.

i hope to hell this family sues. i hope they win. i hope it bankrupts the school district. i hope it places someone personally liable for their actions. and i hope the school implements a reasonable stance on teaching water safety... one that avoids water for those that arent safe in it. and i hope the school district and the y, have to install an underwater monitoring system, at the cost of the policy administrators of the school system. in check, cash preferred. because thats justice. thats the american way. sue the assholes and take it from their hides... because in this country, thats all that seems to have an effect when it comes to following policy.

for anyone who doesnt know what to get me when i turn 25 in a couple months...

THIS IS IT.

here is my petty gripe for the moment.

boston legal still isnt getting much better.

you know. i waited, and waited. and waited. then waited some more for them to produce new episodes for my periodic laughter exercise. a few mild chuckles. thats it. the story isnt that good right now. all that it has going for it is heather locklear's guesting eye candy appeal. infact... they cut monica potter out entirely. they dumped lake bell last year, and i know rhona [super freaking hot] mitra is also gone in a few short episodes. so im upset. the new characters they replaced them with are lame. now candice bergen has become a main character, which i dislike. and they are doing little with alan shore. except making him a serious medium for social complaint. they could have done all this on the Practice, and i would have loved it. but this show is was funny, and dramatically edgy. now im dramatically cranky about what its become.

alot of times i get into a discussion about politics and movers and shakers. generally, i keep my mouth shut about what a course of action ought to be, and instead, deal in the realm of what is. take iraq. while i probably set the standard of fence post sitting, i never was 100% comitted to the action we see today. i sure as hell wasnt against it. my answer always was, if the evidence leads us there, and the situations are what they truely are; some course of drastic action has to occur. months later, were sitting in the sandbox we bought. some say with blood, some with trust, all of us say with money. but im not bitter. im not angry. i dont picket. i dont carry signs, or set up rediculous millitant camps for peace. i dont write my congressmen each day begging us to blow a bigger hole in the sand.

but. today i am quite bitter. i am very upset in the president's choice in a supreme court justice. miers is not the choice to have made. im not anti woman. im not anti issue of any kind, for the purposes of this, im anti this selection process. was this a case of, pick who sits next to me? you cant convince me, that no stonger candidate exists than a woman who is the president's personal attorney, for one year; to be one of the 9 most important judicial figures in the world. i had hopes for another woman, to be honest. i had some hopes for person of storied, yet staunch decisions based upon judical merit. i hoped for a name that would be seen as a weathered rock, from which we could root the system of justice upon, for the sake of this nation. what we got was a pebble, magnified by a drop of rain.

there is no telling what this person thinks, what this person feels. but we can tell that loyalty is a strong component of her character. to me, however unpopular i might be, find loyalty to any person to be a disaster when appointing them to the highest court of the land. even if shed turn out to be my exact ideologe, i loathe this choice. this is wrong. purely wrong. id much rather see Hillary Clinton produced as a choice of nomination before the senate. i stomached john roberts. but this is not how this is all supposed to work. with hundreds of qualified members of the court already sitting; with thousands of intelliglble scholars and jurists to pick from, like a field of wheat before him. he reaches for the chaff on his sleeve.

whats wrong about this, is whats wrong about welfare, its whats wrong about "diversity", its whats wrong about the war on terror.... its never about solving the problem. its not about putting forward the best, most logical solution for success. its about gratifying the easy choice. its about dodging a difficult question. with welfare we set up an entire socio-economic contingent of people to fail, we throw them money. we give them. we give. no one earns. - with diversity its about holding out a watering can over the desert. its a way to show you a flower and say the sands are fertile, while everything around you rots and decays. its about deciding to put a black man ahead of 3 white men, 2 asians, and a jew, based on the free points earned from the color of his skin, because we didnt meet a quota any other way. - when we fight terrorists, were invading and nation building. were banishing governments that have power to fight, and were alienating the people that are charmed and lead to back terror as a way to make us flee. we bomb the houses of the holy, to supp on the praise of what we did. we created a system of poor people that hate us more than ever. .... ..... .....

in every sense, we failed to put forward the effort to make hard work pay off. we havent instituted wpa projects to skill new labor, we havent funded education and future initiatives to make the young black man a success on his own, and we havent killed any more terrorists than weve created. we havent picked a supreme court justice to proud of. we havent selected from the finest minds of jurisprudence, we havent looked into the ranks of the qualified standing ready. we havent rewarded the faith of the legal system actors with this nomination. we took an easy road once again. we didnt look to find the best lawyer, the most prudent judge, the most pontific decisionist, nor the most reliable thinker. we grabbed who was handy, and its a disgrace.

whats it like having a job?

*smacks head*

its really going to be hard when i do get hired. ive not had to stand around, doing nothing for months. i havent had to sit and look busy for hours in weeks. and i cant remember the last time i had to have a discreet disagreement with an employee. all those valuable workplace skills have atrophied.

well as much as a riddicule people for thefacebook.com ; i find myself looking through it an awful lot more than i used to. its not that the people that i do know are addicting, its the people that i DONT know. on a level thats purely fantasy, its almost ... almost... exciting to look at people. i guess i never realized how bad it sounds to say something like that outloud. people use this website to keep track of their friends and such, but for me its like flipping through a copy of People or US magazine. i never realized how many attractive women there were, floating around that school, or how many populated friends in that area, how which ones decide to put up half naked pictures online.

i wonder. late at night, when i cant sleep. and im laying awake, looking into the darkness to find the ceiling... how is it other people see the world? what would it be like to frame the vision of a serial rapist? how would people look... how would thoughts and impulses flow... would it be like me? would it be different? would someone like that see a simple, harmless website like facebook, to be more like a catalog... something akin to a jc pennys book of women. fantasys on paper, not much unlike fall wardrobe. to look upon the blondes and the brunettes... see the smiles... imagine their laughter... the way they feel when you touch their skin.... the taste of the waxy balm on their lips... the tactile sensation of freshly painted nails... tossing curls of hair over your fingers in a mindless manner, while she hangs her head in adoration of your stroke... the radiance of her eyes, that permiates the darkness of your thoughts, pureifying the moment, while the idle touchings stimulate the mood in her iris, and leave it blazing... imagine a person who could become so real in your mind, just by pictures, that you act out on it. even if its fake. so what if its fucking fake. does that make it any less of a fantasy? does it become less convincing to the man that imagines it... that desires it... that stretches so far to touch, that even his thoughts of achieving it must be poisoned by a failure of truth? spoil his will, and he will rot from the inside- but nurture his his seed and it would overrun the garden... idle thoughts of things late at night. sometimes i wonder if thats someone like me, that i talk about.

at night, i think of things like that. what if im a serial killer, but havent realized it? i fit most of the projections for it.... white. late 20's to 40's. serial employment. horribly failed relationships with women. outsider views. idleness. and most damning of all... this ability to covet. ... what if i am the next person youll read about in the papers... if im that loon who eventually cant take it, and goes off to a shack, where he tries through his cries, to shape a fantasy with only a pool of desire, filled slowly by the tears of his pain. waves of anger, capped by the subtle musings he craves. that surge could rush, and i could be lost a drift in the madness of the ebb and flow of my own tidal anguish to secure the relationships in my head. things. money. women. all glibly mentioned-- but the urge to covet... to put upon a pedistal... that is the fear that holds me. a desire. a want. a need. to act out on it i suppose, just to touch more than glossy print. to feel the hairs, to rub the sweat from the skin. tips touching the tones of her complexion, lighting it to tingle. to have the salty taste of her sweat from the passion of lust with her.... and all the while... never removing myself from her eyes... the eyes which one could have gazed upon a thousand times, yet never seen. a glimpse of the man whom is captivated by her, that she never knew. the eyes widen with fear, or for me, is it with realization. ...... could that be me? my own thoughts imprison me in the darkness. and i flip the pillow to change them... to cool the tepid fever of my mind.

or if i could, would i be the type of saint among men. chiding away from the ill conceived conventions of life. things carnal, begat things troublesome and painful. if i could become the person that moved away from it all. that somehow, found a way... not to bury. but to bleach it. to shock it stark. pure. white. without flaw. the innocense ive lost, would it return? would it be like a linen cloth, on the hillside in the warm spring breeze? no matter. with a touch, and a thought. id still see the faint rings on it. stains from the human existence. from the wandering eye, the fretting mind, and the desire to touch. but gone are the clumps. smoothed are the threads, free of pricks and tangles. and let my newly washed soul, lead me to endeavors more achieveable, and less of the material. could i be the person that could wash and wear? that could walk in step. or am i just asking to be left out in the storm, and weathered once again?

god how my mind wanders at night.

chiefly for mr. staab's enjoyment; this test is somewhat valid... i think the 'famous people' plot they put up has little to do with where we actually rank.... according to it, im due north of stalin and darth vader, yet west of ronald reagan, adam sandler and the unabomber. sigh. obviously the hamburgler, a ninja turtle, and a homeless person werent available for polling.

You are a Social Conservative (15% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (83% permissive) You are best described as a: Strong Republican Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid