Current Musical Selection: Rancid - White Knuckle Ride

well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.

ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.

s c o t t

elizabeth. my lordy. shes cute, shes blonde, shes thin, shes quiet, shes intelligent, she likes hard rock, she draws, shes hot, shes sensible, and shes in my latin class. thats the only downfall i suppose. i hate wanting girls from class. it never works out right. the rhetoric girls, the lit girl, the one from calc... none of these are good indications of success at this thing. that and shes young. younger than i should be looking at. still lives in the dorm. still calls mommy and daddy as such. but she looks over at me alot in class. often adds that constant hair flip and play. shes just suggesting that i watch more. ... ... ... and i do. sometimes i feel guilty doing that. falling for the same old tricks, in the same old ways. ill do the same old thing, and nothing will ever happen. nothing good atleast. this past year i even learned that doing everything different, and doing everything right still wont let you keep happiness. someone has to throw it away for you, if you dont. so i dont know. i do know shes very, very attractive to me. i guess thats hard to describe. most people could pick my outward type of person, but a precious few would know the inward type of person i look for. she seems like it. but then again, not so much like it. in her eyes, its a bit empty... more so than id like it to be. because that means something else to me. but there seems to be something alive in there. something interesting about her. but its altogether challenging to tell. she readily entices me to observe and flirt, but will not look on in the same way. more of a welcoming motion in, but wishing not to be welcomed herself. it is interesting. kinda like how im asserting all this from just looking at her in class. its all a game to her. moving spots everyday in a classroom the size of livingroom... the constant - hes not watching me watch him- glances. and the pretending not to see me, while still watching glances. it is nothing but a cruel, cruel game. a game of chance. a chance at something that is nothing more than a faux battle of witts and superiority of mind's precarious nature of the fleeting happiness and and lust that maintain our purpose for playing the game. its a smaller dinner cracker when you need a meal. and it is all very, very exhausting. but i digress away from the point of concern.


which...

is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.


s


arria. o dei immortales!

... and the Machine Head plays on.


so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?

i am your.. nightmares, true scares. that dream where you cant stop from fallin'

you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.

i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;

i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough

eventhough youll try and try...

because..

i am the thing..

bringing the feelings.


when


your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.

when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*




extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.

it never was supposed to be.








* Machine Head - Crashing Around You

another caucus is behind me. drop a second notch on my belt. thank you very much. more lata.

so here ya caught me in a coma.


and i dont think i wanna...


ever come back


to this world again.


kinda like it in a coma...


cuz no ones ever gunna...


ohhhhh


make me come back to this


world again.


sorta feels if im floatin away...


i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.


but my body's callin... my body's callin....

Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - 19th Nervous Breakdown


lots of hell is breaking loose around work.

first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.

then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.

lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?

Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Underneath It All


well... interesting day.

im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.

parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.

so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.

but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.

then it was time for birthday-bed-time.

YEAH!!!!!! ONE MORE DAY TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

wow.

today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...

new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.

work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....

haha. survived yet another xmas onslaught. did my shopping in the most record time yet... 1 day. in 3 stops. cant beat that? still came in under budget. everyone is happy. god. i think i might have done something right for once this year. time went fast though, that last week. now im holed up at the parents house for a few days. very little else has gone on lately. found out my winter-term class was cancelled, so now ill spend all break working. id much rather have gotten that last class done with, now ill have to pick it up with others... hopefully i can find a way out of a 17 semester hour spring term. im done doing that much busy work at once in my undergrad career. so instead im camping out for a few days here. davenport has changed. streets in new places. walmarts in new places. added a home depot here too. lots of random crap and capital improvements around the place. i noticed alot of it coming into town. i took the scott way home, cutting through gravel and county roads, and eventually meandering back through town to the house. saw lots. its funny like that. the more things can change, the more it can feel like home. more ironic than funny i suppose. sorry. its a short post. more sometime soon. dial up eats my butt.

tHe SkizzOtt

Current Musical Selection: A Perfect Circle - A Stranger

interesting situation arose at work tonight. for whatever reason a customer bought a label maker that was supposed to be 17 bucks.. its normally 50. well the cashier rang it up with the wrong numbers, swapped a couple, and comes up with some kind of trapper-binder think thats like 9 bucks. of course the cashier had no idea about the ad or the items in it... so they person, knowing its rung up wrong, says nothing and walks out with it. that was two weeks ago. come yesterday, the customer wants to bring it back and get money back for it. ofcourse we cant do it because the item isnt on his receipt. staples caves in. we realize the SKU was flipped, so they are willing to give him up to the 17 bucks back, even though he only paid 9. but the item isnt 9 dollars anymore. its 50 once again. he now demands 50 bucks. the cashier calls me up. i say go to hell. i call the manager up. she says well only do the 17... and told him... seeing as its double what he paid, he ought to take it. i let it slip that the item is actually 50 now. the customer stops. says. see ya. ill keep it then. fast forward to today. customer comes back in, demands the 50 bucks back. we say no. 17 only. customer takes all names down, and copies of the paper work, and is writing a letter of complaint to corporate against me and the manager. interesting situation to be in. i dont really care much about it. but it got me and the manager talking for 20 minutes about morales and ethics involved with it all. especially how the double standard exists. how its acceptable for the customer to say nothing when he pays half what he should, and doesnt correct it. but how its unacceptable for us not to give him double of THAT back later on. at what point are you being unethical when you change your intentions of a returrning an item when you find out the value of the item changes. besides, doesnt have to become highly unethical to then argue to get double what is owed to you, when you have no claim to it?

besides which, it parallels another circumstance at work for me. a girl who im somewhat friends with has been sicking out of work, on average, a day a week. lately shes gone over a week straight without showing up. management, who likes me, told me shes going to be fired for it. that they are waiting for a call back from corporate HR in Mass. to hear how to do it best. so do i have any ethical responsibility to tell the girl shes going to be canned? what if i said shes been working for the company for 4 years? what if i said shes been doing this for all 4 years? what if i said shes a good worker? what if i said shes never very good at her job? what if i said shes coming from a broken home? what if i said her boyfriend is a [convicted] drug-dealer? what if i said i felt sorry for her? and what if i said she does drugs too? makes the story quite interesting to think about. each layer to the story is true. all in all, while it may be moral for me to tell her, its not necessarily ethically required that i do so. well.. i guess not. i have to remind myself that what i was told by management was priviliged. as was the information i did not relay to them about her. any of which would likely only expediate the process. so i guess im not going to say anything. i can say she deserves to be fired. but honestly, she doesnt deserve to stay employed either. such and interesting day.

also got one nice compliment. i sold some guy a 400 dollar digital camera and shit to go with it, plus a plan on it. he told me he got hit by a master salesman. laughed when he said it, and just said its easy to do with good quality products. he laughed. he told me hes sold insurance for 30 years, he said he knew a good salesman when he heard one. that was pretty cool to hear. i guess i never consider myself to be a salesman. just someone that answers questions and moves shit around. but i guess i am. ive sold more in warranties than ive earned in wages. and i dont make a penny for it. i guess... if i did, id consider myself more of a salesman. intersting thoughts today.

last night was such a beautiful night to walk home. so quiet and peaceful out. no cars. no people. nothing at all, but the freshly fallen snow. just a quiet, pristine world around me. although it took a while to regain my snow-legs.... but once i did, it was worth it taking the long walk home. cold air didnt matter. nor the wind. not on a night like that. a night where all the mistakes of mothernature are covered over in a new fresh blanket of purity. the green grass stuck out in places, and sure not all the trees have lost their leaves yet. but it was all concealed if not for the first time this season. the first snowfall is really remarkable. it changes alot of things. it changes our clothing, our eating habbits, how we walk, when we go to things, it dictates what we can and cant do for plans. but i still couldnt help but think about that little curiousity. where fresh white snow, is pulled across the earth like a veil over what lies before us, all is hidden and replaced with this image. no matter what the truth may be, how green that grass is, how soggy the soil, or warm the pavement, the fresh white snow hides all from our eyes. its a clean start. its demanding of something more than words, yet the more i think about it, the fewer words i can come up with to describe those non-verbal thoughts. hidden away underneath is the coating she wants us to see. fresh, new.

tomorrow is interesting. its Lsat day. im kind of worried. im worried about worrying for the things i cant change. that test is designed to show me, no matter what type or amount of preparation, what type of true skills i have, that are valuable in deciding, for me, a career in law. and i cant change that. nor the test. and probably not how i even respond to the questions. i worry about that a great deal. everyone i know is wishing me luck on it; but luck wont matter much... not nearly as much as whats inside of me.

and for those keeping score at home, i did manage to get the phone number from that hot volleyball player. oh yeah!

Current Musical Selection: Hanoi Rocks - Delerious

after another long class period of listening to people's sad tales of woeful mistreatment of the nations' immigrants, i feel as though there is nothing i can do to clearly state my boredom with it all. for once, it would be nice for people to accept the bare presentation of fact that exists in the business world, and in the social world around us. lets kill a couple of happy cloud dreams shall we? i pick one such group; but you can make very similar arguments for any unseccessfully included immigrant group in this nation.

mexican-americans, are earning signifficantly less money than caucasian americans, even less than other immigrants from other countries [besides central america]

mmmhmm. this has quite a bit to do with 4 main areas; language, social mobility and social connection, legal immigration status, job market competition. the biggest reason so many of these people earn statistically less is because so many are jobless, or can only except extremely low paying jobs. why? look above again. legal immigration status is the largest reason. in the post 9-11 days, we will find it continually less likely to slide past or around any sorts of immigration laws or identification procedures. in fact, even my company is asking for 2 forms of identification to process my check, and they know who i am. being able to prove legitimate emmigration [notice, not immigration] status is important, and it always has been. without proving status, its next to impossible to find employment past season labor, or something that will require high turnover [and likely low pay to match], or a field of work given exception by the federal government [some states as well; but mainly their few and far between now... used to be popular in California, Arizona, Texas, and across to the midwest for the growing seasons]. so if you cant prove you can legitimately work here, you wont be allowed to. lets also put the statistic out there that Mexican-Americans are sighted as having the largest rate of illegal immigration status in this country. thats a problem. second, they arent speaking the language of higher wage employment. should they be able to find a job, its going to be in a connected field of work or similar comfort zone where they wont be risking their [un]nationalized status. ie- working for a lawn care service or meat packing house that employs large amounts of known illegals. it could also include family ties... working at a local shop a family member owns, which would likely not report the income and wages to the IRS, and instead pay in cash. this is true for many other ethnicities as well. asian-americans have been doing this for generations; with stereotypical restaraunts and the like employing the entire family off one or few legalized citizens. the problem mexican-americans are facing that other groups are not, are their reluctance to ever file for citizenship. its then this social mobility and connection that prevents upward mobility, capping high wage earners to small, small numbers. the immigrants are forced to stay with in these lower wage, but more secure [legally wise] and comfortable circles for employment; which as a whole are not high wage areas. example. one child from a family starts a market in a spanish neighborhood. several family members follow him later on [illegally], and take up residence and work for them. maybe they also help work at other places in the neighborhood--- but scarcely outside of that. as succuessful as these small enterprised might be; they pale in comparision to the wages that could be earned from a large company... thats not going to be in their neighbor hood. secondly these circles hold them back in mobility as they make no networking connections to higher wage earning communities. example. working at an office supply store will bring you into contact with business owners and company reps, from my company alone 4 individuals in 2 years have left to work for a company by meeting through contacts from our store. you arent going to find the HR director of GE-Westinghouse shopping, randomly, through small town, mexican speaking sections, and exclusive mom and pop stores in ultra urban california. since the interaction is limited with the community, they rarely seek anything beyond minimal contact with necessary areas [walmart, health clinics, police/fire response] so they have cut themselves off from their best asset--- shopping around in the outside market. language is also a barrier. unlike many different emmigrant groups, who do make the attempt to learn english, the mexican-american subculture is largely making no movement for this. infact there is in fact, great resistance to learning english as a whole. why learn it? the isolated innterconnected communites dont use english, and with that limited contact to the outside world, there isnt much need for it. so they refuse to. its also all bundled up in a wicked mix of national identity and race relations, which the liberal movementarians have categorized as a positive image in our society, so we find the country quickly fractionalizing in to small groups, and strongly solidifying into those groups. because its sooo important to be diverse, we have wildly interjected groups of people together with nothing in common, no will to coexist, and no means to come together. the most worsening factor has been gorwing resentment and anxiety between groups forced together. this type of reaction is commonly seen to amount in one of a few ways; and its finding its own way to become solidy. scared of being interjected into a society that doesnt accept them [no english language skills, no legal citizen status, and refusal to move beyond familial relations], they turn inward. they are only strengthening the factors that this diverse worldview is pushing them against. try it on your own. pick a grammar school, 2nd grade students, at a lunch table. separate boys and girls for a week at lunch. then the next week put a 10% mix of girls into the boys group, and vice versa. watch what happens. name calling, isolation, chastisement, abandonment, anger. all of these are common human reactions to the introduction to a new and unfamiliar setting, its no wonder its happening on a much larger scale. then put all of those factors together, and place one person from this group against any other american; and find me an employer is willing to take that immigrant 1 out of 10 times. what business is going to hire an indiviudal that doesnt speak your language, has low levels of education [due to] no legal citizenship, no well connected references, and a growing fear/hostility to the world outside their own? isnt this then easy to see why the wages arent high on average, why the job market outlook is dismal at best? i guess not. these kids are waisting their time trying to prove that pink clouds of happiness really are in a black sky line. use your mind. not the garbage this university feeds you about diverse settings, cultural sensitivity, or positive minds make positive realities. look for the green dollar. who holds it? learn why they have it. youll learn many more truths about the world around you that way, than by ever listening to these people with degrees preaching the get-along- speeches of 30 years ago.

Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - Oh Sister

well i guess i have nothing to worry about. here i was, nevous and unsettled. hoping i could actually cook everything alright. i got up early to start on everything. the bird in the oven at 9am. had real [not minute variety] wild rice going at 10. plus jello and stuff. everything was going well. then the reality sunk in. the nervousness reappeared because no i wasnt so sure that my cooking would be the problem. i hadnt seen her in months. i didnt want to screw this up. just wanted a nice day. forget about everything else. have a nice meal. so two people dont feel so lonely on this day. so i called; as scheduled to, right at 1pm. no answer. wait 10 minutes. call again. nothing. once more 20 minutes later. finally i get an excuse. guess what? a no show. table was set, drinks were poured. im cradling the phone as im carving up the bird. all i was missing was the guest. i hung up. seems like a waste. yeah, it is a waste. 50 bucks worth of food. one person. another day solitude. yet another meal in silence. and i guess i dont know why i try anymore. i tried so fucking hard, just to put everything together at the last minute; because i thought it would be nice. and im sitting at the table by myself. and now im not hungry. im looking at all this food. all the effort it took to get everything set just right, and i cant figure out why. alot of people would cry at this point. and thats ok. i can understand why that would happen. but i didnt. i just let it sit there. and i looked at it. and just tried to figure out why.

thank you to someone for memorable meal that wasnt.

it really was strike three for you.


happy thanksgiving to everyone out there,
hope everyone has better luck than me this year

procrastinating.

but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...

Current Musical Selection: Nazareth - Love Hurts

well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.

tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.

Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Everytime

" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "

well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.

...

there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.

i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.

Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - After All The Dead

"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"

"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"

"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"

"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."

"after all. after all. after all. "

bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.

grand total = 3. this drunk ass flamer thought he could stagger around my apartment building at 2:20 in the morning and get away with it. especially with such memorable words like "help me" "take me out of here" "they are going to get me" he deserves to get his ass hauled away in a squad car. thank you iowa city police department. you do the work that rest of the community takes for granted. to the drunk ass: never, ever come back into my building again like that. and if you ever, ever, ever think try some kind of a threatenting move on me; be prepared to live on a respirator the rest of your unnanatural life, because when i strike to incapacitate; i never miss.