well... the new job starts on wednesday... and here it is. practicaly tuesday. im apprehensive to say the least. there are alot of things to worry about when you start a new job. most of them dont bother me. its the job its self that bothers me. im hoping i can turn this into a way to make some money. serious money. that was the one question that really shook me at the interview stage; was how do you feel about not having a support net for income, that you earn your own wage? i told them; "im not sure" honestly ive never done that before. and while there is a token amount, they are right, i decide how much money i want to make doing this. territory aside, it is up to me. my sister started in on me about cold calling tonight. how she hates it. im trying my hardest not to formulate an opinion on it. but i can see how id hate it, if i sat at a desk 9 hours a day calling people to get them to buy shit. my motivation is if they half way sound interested i can go see them. im not chained to the desk. and i dont pass on a hot call to someone else to close it. im setting my appointments for sales. in that sense, im writing my own pay checks. in a way thats quite exciting. give it a few weeks to see if ive changed my mind. regardless. its all still there. there are alot of things to look forward to as just being different. in a job sense, i could use different right now. id rather not stay in retail. getting stuck at a desk all the time could be dull. so atleast this is a job that pays me to go out and see people. even if i have to put in some time on the phones first. so. ive been gobbling up all the crappy sales manuals and books i can find. ive read tom hopkins, the art of selling, cover to cover 3 times in a week. it has alot of common sense in it. maybe it will pay off.

the last few days have been sketchy. ive been all over the place, so appologies to everyone that calls me that gets voice mail. being in and out of RK ive tried to keep my phone off, and being around the state makes it tough to keep a cell signal... something i know will have to change soon. i looked over the coverage maps and notice cingular/att [whom i use now] has about 0% coverage in southeast iowa. gr. but then again, i couldnt get a signal sitting at my apartment half the time either. and even when i lived in town, it was half of what it should have been. i started reading the premature paper work from RK... turns out i get 2 weeks vacation next year, but have to wait 7 years to get a third week. i get the standard days off [thanksgiving, 4th of july, xmas, new years] but thats about it. and i get one personal day per quarter to use, never to accumulate more than 4 days at a time. eeesh. not much wiggle room. but i guess its hard to sell if you are never there. and time will tell how close they watch me. i suppose if im selling, or atleast showing progress, they may not care if i shave an hour here and there on the road, or if i stick around "fort madison sales stop" long enough in iowa city, that i cant make it back before 5pm to find me. or whatever the time is. i havent heard hours yet. the only thing ive seen is employees who work more than 30 hours per week. i cant imagine a job like that letting you put in less than that.

i shouldnt be posting this... even if she doesnt read this. but a certain female friend of mine is running into man problems right now, but... what she said just rang really well with me...

"Im so in love that it scares me... hes honestly one of the best things thats ever happened to me"

you know, i have never, ever, in my life hear a woman use those words about me. and no matter how bad a situation might be... woah. that sentiment would mean alot more to me than whatever mistakes she might make. yes, i would not let her off the hook for murder, or fucking around behind my back; but. geez. thats a really, really complementing set of syllables to put up there. if i ever heard those words about myself from someone else, i dont know how i could do anything against that person. that to me is someone that wants a deep committment, but is just struggling with making that work in an environment that doesnt encourage it. my advice. you stick it out kid. if you feel that way about someone, you never stop for something petty. you never let them go for something they might say. you cant just walk out. ive spent my life going for sure things. thats easy money. being scott's lovelife says, there aint easy money. so you dont get alot of quick grabs. you dont get someone that says something like that. so ive always scrapped for what i felt to be what i wanted. even today. im not too naieve to admit that, i am not any closer to a relationship to someone than i was 5 years ago. but i try. i will be annoying. i will hound them to death. i will go out of my way to kill a girl with kindness. ill pay for dinenrs, for movies, for flowers, and not stop to think. because i want them to know what i think. and. if they reject that. then i dont want them to take the easy money and kick scott to the curb. i want them to have to kick the most thoughtful, ever present, and gracious man theyve ever met; kick him to the curb. if you want me gone, you have to see and consider everything about me, and tell the best of me to go to hell. and thats been done. its been done several times. but i havent stopped. ive wanted to. ive abandoned the practice all together of looking. but when i find someone i think is worth that much to me, i still suit up and go with the A-game. even last week i was thinking to myself, "am i wasting my time with all this? is she ever going to stop and say, i really appreciate you?" the answer could be no. could be yes. but finding a girl that would say words to me, like "im so in love with you it scares me" , thats the kind of girl you look for. this guy, who really doesnt know me, and has no clue what she said, should really be lucky. not that he didnt hear it. but because she said it. and sometimes we dont always get to hear the things that are important. but it doesnt mean someone isnt saying it. thats something to feel right about. we feel wrong in an argument or an act of stupidity, but we never feel right about the things that we should feel right about. even for a person like me, who once was described as "a rough exterior with a nastier interior", sees the simplicity and the justice of stating those feelings when you have them. i know of a couple someone's that could testify that i say things like that. but saying things and doing things are different. thats where shes at. right now, id say, this guy couldnt do much wrong, and she shouldnt let herself think about doing anything wrong. just stop and thing about everything thats right about that situation as it is right now. stop and tell him what you told me. because deep down, not only is it a great thing to feel that way about someone, but its even better to hear that from someone else. and sometimes you just have to go with that.

well good news!

ive told a couple people, but today made it official; i now have a job!

RK Dixon has hired me; ill be a sales rep for the document services equipment division... really its software, copiers, duplicators and such, but its a start. ive been given a territory... which ill have to admit, is pretty cool. the only thing im not overly happy about is the pay... lets say its about what you earn working part time; but the position is heavy on comission sales. according to the team there, making money isnt going to be a problem if i do what they teach me. so. its not alot different than what i did for staples... just its gigantic sized upgrade in terms of price and productivity... some of the equipment i sell has listed prices of nearly a million bucks. nifty? yes. pressure? oh yeah. plus there is alot that sells for less than that. and i make a kick off of all of it. so. well see what happens. im excited. its a job. its a future for a while. its with a company that has a great reputation. so ill see what i can do. as a related note; expect a phone number change... the territory i have really doesnt get along well with cingular coverage, and my contract is up anyhow. plus i can bump up to a phone thats slick. i say maybe on the number change, because it appears att/cingular tend to be quite the bitches about porting numbers about. so well see what happens. and a car upgrade. ill put it this way.... if im lucky, ill only put 2000 miles on my car a month!


on some other notes

looks like no rain yet. i cant remember a forecast like this in october. where we havent gotten rain in months, and its not cold in october. usually... its cold, has a hard freeze early on, and i remember several years having snow flakes come down on halloween. this year... were calling for nearly 80 degrees monday and tuesday. 80 flipping degrees. its just not right.

ive finally gotten Man On Fire, to watch on dvd. a certain emily has been on my behind for months to see this movie... thats a lot of hype. so i should get it watched tomorrow. finally.

i have to be at a wedding all day saturday in des moines. its a cousin, that i dont really think ever much intereacted with as a kid. i was too little, she was too old. anyways. shes on marriage number 2 this time. has a kid to prove it. should be somewhat interesting i guess. i dont want to go. its relatives we dont do much with, and we just went to her brothers wedding in mid september... so were seeing them a bit more than we generally do in 10 years in 2 months. i do believe its at a catholic church too. which i found odd. they never went to church as kids, and i didnt think catholics much liked divorces in their church.

i hope to be in iowa city sunday or monday. plans can changes, but for anyone reading this that wants to schedule and appearance, let me know, id like to make a trip of it. certain people wont need to ask!

well boston's season ended a couple days ago. and i just saw the yankees lose to the angels... so. all in all, its not a total wash! regardless. the team has alot of problems to solve for next year. free agents. zero pitching. an empty bench. injuries like you wouldnt believe.

free agents.

johnny damon - keep him, if we can afford him. he flirted with .350 most of the season, and brought in 75 runs from the leadoff spot. hes on base. he can steal bases [only caught once in nearly 20 times]. hes a steady guy, who is going to give guidance to the new crop of players that are going to have to emerge in the next few seasons. rumor is he wants 10 million plus, for five years. try and split him for 3, and use that cash to by a replacement for damon's injury times, and to replace gabe kapler who is questionable now. offer him incentives to play in 155 games or better, to have an onbase percentage of .400 or make his K to BB ration be about 2 to 3 or better.

kevin millar - boot him. a great guy. fantastic clubhouse guy. but nothing comes on the field with him the past year and a half. his power is gone. he slugs 40 points better than his on base: pathetic. in 130 games, he cant hit double digit dingers in the lower lineup, where they are going to pitch to him. hes slow. in 3 years hes stolen 4 bags. TOTAL. hes above average with the glove, but just cant hit at night or on the road.

john olerud - keep him, but cheap. hes a back up. nothing more than that. he plays no more than pinch hits and once every 3 or 4 days. hes too old. no power. no speed. no threat for anything against most teams than a base nock. keep him cheap for a year, offer incentives for a second year based on stats.

mike timlin - this is hard. keep him for now. alot like damon. no more than 2 years, mid priced at best. he cant handle it with runners on, alot of his power is gone, and he showed problems with control all year. keep him cheap, he isnt much, but this bullpen doesnt have shit for right now. get him to give up less than a hit an inning, and almost one k per inning, and hes back on track. right now hes over worked at 81 appearances, and it shows when he only converts 13 of 20 save op's.

tony graffanino - keep! how cant you? great young player. ok speed. good defense. hell get better at hitting for average. hell come cheap. pay him it, and dangle incentives for performance in base running and fielding. his onbase was 75 points better than his average! only because he wont walk. get him to take base on balls, and let him run on the paths. hes smart, hes not getting caught much. so lock him up for 4 years.

bill mueller - keep. pay him about what he asks. 2 years. get youklis up and going, so that you can transition him around. when the time comes, we could get a descent arm, or a couple of young talent for him in a trade. for now, hes doing the job. he hits for average pretty well, good on base; but his best power year of 19 dingers and 80 rbis was years ago. solid glove.

zero pitching.

this has to change. the rotation of wakefield, clement, schilling, wells, arroyo; needs something. wake is fantastic. clement needs a rebound. fast. he was amazing pre break, but after wards hes lost alot of control. if by the allstar break this year, he isnt looking solid [regardless of w/l and era], shop him. schil... ive loved curt since his days in philly... long before anyone cared about bloody socks, or diamond backs. but pal. youre getting real old, real fast. schil has to be solid. not dominant. but reliable. if hes going to throw up 4 runs a start, thats fine. if he can only go 6 innings. im ok. but we have to know. right now hes so inconsistent it cant happen with him there. i know he was hurt. but. its not working. boomer? boomer is a question mark. hes older than schil, and he comes and goes. hes still got good stuff. hes got the nerve. but i dont think hes got it for every 5th day anymore. id love to pull him back into a spot starter on key games, and keep him as long relief for the empty pen. bron. buddy. you are dynamite. but keep it in the yard. keep him in the 5 hole, but be prepared to shuffle him out. so that leaves us with question marks on 2, 3, 5. and a slot at 4. we need to shop some reliable starting pitchers this winter! two words... AJ BURNETT. get this guy! a solid inning eater, and someone with electric stuff. mark mulder is on the list. a lefty would be nice, so a mark redmond is good. then we need to snag a spot starter. someone from triple A is fine. or a solid buy like julian tavarez. but the pen. the bullpen is empty. we need a closer. foulke doesnt have it. ive never liked him. buy up billy wagner. lock him for his 3 years. hes worth it. pray timlin, should he stay, can play setup again. restock the pen with 2 righties. one for middle innings, so what if he gives up bombs... as long as he can eat innings. one righty for spots for tough oughts [ie Sheffield, Vlad. Guerrero, type batters]; he needs quick stuff, nasty breaking ball. a former closer would be good. next. pickup a strong left arm. hard breaking ball, good change up. mid speed heat. hes going to need spot work for other tough outs. last get another right hander to take a chance on. someone young. we need the youth. thats a minimum for the pen. anything else would be fantastic.

the empty bench syndrome.

right now, we have zero defensive depth. we have light hitting. and we have the slowest crew of assholes ive ever seen. we need speed. get a young guy, outfielder or middle infield, light hitter, descent arm, descent glove, but can run. flat out haul ass. we can teach him to steal, but we need speed for the slow bats like manny, papi, olerud, varitek, etc, in the late innings. next. we need a first baseman who can play back up. i dont care if hes had 2 knee replacements. he needs a glove. good solid glove. if he can hit for occasional power, hes the man. we need one outfielder to plan on playing every 2nd day or 3rd all game. damon will get hurt. manny will slump at some point, and trot is going to get tired out there. we need someone who has ok range, a good arm, who can hit better than average, who is a smart base runner.. not fast. but smart. pick up someone elses trash for this. a guy like tim salmon, eli marreno, mondesi, brian jordan.. someone like that. we need a middle infielder. renteria isnt getting done all the time with the glove. so back as before, we need a glove, solid defense. good range. who cares if he cant hit? he aint playing to knock them in! rey sanchez is my pick. royce clayton is a bit much, but hed be ok. we need another catcher. doug mirabelli is on his way out. snatch up jason larue. hell come cheap for multi years. give us a good solid right handed bat to rest 'Tek with. dude hits .320 in the daylight, hes perfect for the day-after-night games. his on base is 100 points over his average, and his sluggin is 100 better than that. hes a layered player. then a miscellaneous power bat. who? dunno. burnitz, tino martinez, someone like that. someone who knows the game. that can just come in and get shit done. who is a power threat still, even if he doesnt keep power numbers.

injuries galore!

first. gabe kapler. this one hurt. the ruptured achillies in the final days of the season... we need him back. hes a great younger guy. good speed. good bat. he has to bounce back for us to contend. schilling. if he cant come back from this ankle shit on a fresh year, hes on the block by july 1. no ifs, or buts. we cant keep his salary or his liability with his age. damon. if we get him back, hes got to stay healthy. otherwise, hes going to cost us alot in replacement players and time on the dl. we need a rally guy who can get on base, and just play hard nails ball. like lenny dykstra. foulke. either youre a superstar, or youre going superfar away. make or break on your ass. make it, means you keep a set up job. breaks means we option you. providing we can pick up wagner, or someone of his caliber.

final thoughts....

so. what im expecting is about a 50 million dollar upkeep cost. if you dont, its going to be another 90 years to world championship. the nucleus of this team has been strong starting pitchers and tremendous middle offense. patch up the leaks in the rotation with a couple of reliable arms like burnett, redmond... hell even glendon rusch if the cubs drop him. but the goal has to be buy base runners for ortiz and manny to bring in. plain and simple. second. buy some defense. we dont need anything else. next season though... watch for a fire sale from a few teams to grab talent. the cubs. the rangers. the diamond backs. the dodgers. the giants. if these teams cant be half way competetive by the break, they have some talent and some dollars to drop. we could pick up some great deals on people like aramis ramierez, ray durham, glaus, jeff kent, jason schmidt, pedro feliz, shawn greene, ricky leede... lots of guys i bet, are going to go next year at clubs that cant make it. most of them mortgaged 2006 on this years supposed play off chances... if they stink early on, the air is going to smell sweet with deals for us. regardless. we need to spend some cash over the winter. why? because the yankees WILL. i guarantee it. they are going to move some of the old talent they have, and buy up anyone young with the stuff. look at randy johnson, jeter, sheffield... money is no object if you put up numbers and that club will pay a premium for a ring. problem is. there will not be a play off next year. if new york is going to tie, its not going to be for 2nd... they will do whatever it takes to be #1 next year. the devil rays cant get any worse, baltimore will slide, but the blue jays will stay mid card or higher. thats a problem. without a signifficant talent upgrade, were going to be fighting for the mid card with the blue jays to take #2 in the division. looking ahead, cleveland has what it takes, chicago is a threat, and oakland and texas are bubbles, but all for the wild card. its not going to be another eastern divison team next year. so. pony up now. pay burnett whatever it takes. pay extra for wagner. invest in young speed, mid aged middle relief, and a solid first baseman, then just buy to cover holes. with some luck, we can get lucky next year.

one of my favorite modern poets wrote this, Philip Levine... im copying it from his 1979 work: Ashes, Poems New and Old. if his publisher or he finds this, please dont sue me. im poor. but i really enjoy his poetry. i first saw him do a reading about 5 years ago. it was a cold fall night, and he was in the shambaugh auditorium at iowa. id had a vague idea about his past, that he was connected with the writers workshop, so as a free event, i thought id go. i always hated poetry. but after i heard him read them, it was quite different. it was alot like prose stories and thoughts. and the sound of his voice had matched what i had in my head. so. as i sit on this first crisp fall evening, several years later, i came across this paperback copy, and thought id share... in a reminiscing mood.


LOST AND FOUND

A light wind beyond the window,
and the trees swimming
in the golden morning air.
Last night for hours I thought
of a boy lost in a huge city,
a boy in search of someone
lost and not returning. I thought
how long it takes to believe
the simplest facts of our lives--
that certain losses are final,
death is one, childhood another.
It was dark and the house creaked
as though we'd set sail for
a port beyond the darkness.
I must have dozed in my chair
and wakened to see the dim shapes
of orange tree adn fig against
a sky turned gray, and a few
doves were moaning from the garden.
The night that seemed so final
had ended, and this dawn becoming
day was changing the moment
by moment-- for now there
was blue above, and the tall grass
was streaked adn blowing, the quail
barked from their hidden nests.
Why give up anything? Someone
is always coming home, turning
a final corner to behold the house
that had grown huge in absence
now dull and shrunken, but the place
where he had come of age, still
dear and like no other. I have
come home from being lost,
home to a name I could accept,
a face that saw all I saw
and broke in a dark room against
a wall that heard all my secrets
and gave nothing back. Now he
is home, the one I searched for.
He is beside me as he always
was, a light spirit that brings
me luck and listens when I speak.
The day is here, and it will last
forever or until the sun fails
and the birds are once again
hidden and moaning, but for now
the lost are found. The sun
has cleared the trees, the wind
risen, and we, father and child
hand in hand, the living and
the dead, are entering the world.

[ Story - Quad City Times, 5 Oct 2005 ]

At first glance people wouldnt care much. Davenport North is my high school of graduation. Davenport North, while I attended, and up until 2 years ago, had no swimming pool. At Davenport North, in those previous years, we never, ever, heard a complaint from the general population about not having swimming in gym.

So. The school district, the ymca, and several loud parents and swim team members pushed and bitched. A few years ago, 6.5 million dollars was coughed up by our destitute school district to dig a hole and fill it with water. Sure part of that paid for an auditorium, which, my school also lacked... but hell... we lived with a gym for 12 years that was 1/3 the size of my jr. high's. And by poor, i mean, bare bones broke, according to the school district budgeting, or how theyve issued 47 million dollars in bonds in the past few years. but i digress. they dropped in a pool which was structured that they pay the building costs, and defer any day to day payments, maintenence or staffing, for 25 years. in return, they have free use of the facility, and donate the land. ... see where this is becoming a problem?

we now have swimming classes, on our schools property, for kids that didnt want to swim. the classes are taught by gym staff, only half a pool at a time! because the ymca retains the right to allow half the use of the facility for "paying" patrons. so. the question is. when someone dies, or is injured... who pays?

this week a student, professing several times how he can not swim, drowned the first day in the pool in his mandatory "water safety course" per the school district. my thought was why the hell did that happen? the police department have deemed it accidental. really.... kids choose to drown? kids that cant swim, in 11 feet of water, with no training, choooooose to drown? no. what they should have established was the drowning was not accidental, it was foreseeable. unfortunate. unintended. but god almighty, quite forseeable. think for a second about this application of logic... is it "accidental" if a soldier dies 20 seconds on the battle field, if we revoked the 8 week boot camp, and time in theater, before hes sent out? is it "accidental" when an accountant defrauds a company, when the accountant has no certifications? is it "accidental" to loose control of an suv moving 80 miles an hour on ice covered streets, while the driver is drunk? no. in every instance, its a definite risk of entailment. not an accident. its an assumed liability. this school district took off assuming the possibility of death, and wishes it didnt happen.

while the school district is going to cling tightly to its bible of state policy, and quote the scripture stating, "we were following policy!", its not much justice to family or the situation. in presuming the only method of "water safety" was to drunk children, the school district is erroneous on several counts. first, that its not an accident that kids who cant swim will drown; two water safety can be taught from a book, or video, or other clever yet decades outdated technological marvel the schools could afford.

what am i hitting at? water safety is more than a shitty swimming lesson from an overweight frat drop out... er gym teacher. its about [drum roll] Safety, around water! for students that can swim; getting in the pool is great. but what about those that cant? id presume theyd be smart enough not to go in the water... this presumes more than the school district, which feels they should be soundly submerged. after all, its educational this way. however. maybe they will now reconsider ways of alternative education... say... for non-swimmers; how to recognize the hazards of open water, how to save a person from shore, what safety mechanisms are around you to use, cpr or rescue breathing and shock treatment, or just the generic fat ass paper on how you can die swimming. for swimmers; they could HAHA actually learn a life saving technique, cpr or rescue breathing, how to tandem save a person, how to inspect for safe swimming, how to watch for signs of non swimmers struggling, and prove proficiency in swiming. isnt that educational? more so than watching a classmate die, on his first day. which is tragic. its terrible. and its heart breaking.

anyways. the sadest part of the story is. kids who cant swim, are going to be forced into the water. this is the age of "not my fucking kid!" in education; where parents can pull kids from health class for fear of boobies; yank kids out of science for fear of man and the monkey; and run screaming if we dont gratify the young, budding, homosexual in class we all profess to love--- just not that way. in this age, i can refuse vaccinations of dangerous diseases, that even Ethiopia can conquer, because my child is amish.... but. my child can not opt out of potentially deadly "water safety" education without penalty. lets mull on this. my child, is required to fullfil the course requirements, even if he feels unsafe to the point of potential injury or death to participate, or he risks academic penalty. how wrong is this? its just, according to our courts, for christian science nut jobs to not vaccinate for measles mumps and rhubella then turn them loose with our children... its just, that students can be removed from class rather than see a shitty 2D diagram of a cut away vagina... and its just, that we make sure that every gay kid will not be referred to as such that they are... but its not just for my kid to get the hell out of a dangerous situation, where HE OR SHE FEELS INCOMPETENT TO SUSTAIN THEIR OWN LIFE.

this is rediculous. and its far from "accidental" when this poor kid dies in the water because of it. he did it because otherwise hed fail gym. hed fail it. who fails gym? convicts pass pe. they have passing grades for kids with CP that will never understand they cant walk. but they would fail this kid if he wouldnt get in that water. he got in way over his head. and did the school district predict this kind of thing? with no lifeguard on this side, for the kids that cant swim, but one for the lap swimmers.... cant they see that they are missing the student who voiced concerns about not making it? not once in 30 minutes did they? not once! god dammit. isnt that the kid you want to watch the closest? isnt that the one you dont let go of as an instructor? because what if that was your kid? and accident is something dropping. a dish. a spoon. this kid couldnt swim, they put him in the water, then didnt bother to look for him in 30 minutes. thats no accident. thats a horrid truth to all of this.

so now that im standing on my alan shore soap box, i have to say. this is a travesty. this is incompatible with what we want our children to learn... teaching water safety shouldnt result in the death of a student, it shouldnt. its wrong. but it happens now. and they were following policy. policy, in this sense, became more important that seeing to the life of a student. policy said, get this kid in the water. and policy says its "accidental" if this is the result. ... where do we draw the line? automobiles are a top killer of kids in high school; but we dont require "drivers education", its not only optioned, but its expensive to deter it! if a childs' parents fear for his mind to warp around a notion of men and women having sex, he can come out of class. no harm. no foul. but put kids in a life threatening situation, even when they tell us they dont feel safe, and it a requirement. a requirement like no other they face. one that in this circumstance, wrongfully robbed a family.

i hope to hell this family sues. i hope they win. i hope it bankrupts the school district. i hope it places someone personally liable for their actions. and i hope the school implements a reasonable stance on teaching water safety... one that avoids water for those that arent safe in it. and i hope the school district and the y, have to install an underwater monitoring system, at the cost of the policy administrators of the school system. in check, cash preferred. because thats justice. thats the american way. sue the assholes and take it from their hides... because in this country, thats all that seems to have an effect when it comes to following policy.

for anyone who doesnt know what to get me when i turn 25 in a couple months...

THIS IS IT.

here is my petty gripe for the moment.

boston legal still isnt getting much better.

you know. i waited, and waited. and waited. then waited some more for them to produce new episodes for my periodic laughter exercise. a few mild chuckles. thats it. the story isnt that good right now. all that it has going for it is heather locklear's guesting eye candy appeal. infact... they cut monica potter out entirely. they dumped lake bell last year, and i know rhona [super freaking hot] mitra is also gone in a few short episodes. so im upset. the new characters they replaced them with are lame. now candice bergen has become a main character, which i dislike. and they are doing little with alan shore. except making him a serious medium for social complaint. they could have done all this on the Practice, and i would have loved it. but this show is was funny, and dramatically edgy. now im dramatically cranky about what its become.

alot of times i get into a discussion about politics and movers and shakers. generally, i keep my mouth shut about what a course of action ought to be, and instead, deal in the realm of what is. take iraq. while i probably set the standard of fence post sitting, i never was 100% comitted to the action we see today. i sure as hell wasnt against it. my answer always was, if the evidence leads us there, and the situations are what they truely are; some course of drastic action has to occur. months later, were sitting in the sandbox we bought. some say with blood, some with trust, all of us say with money. but im not bitter. im not angry. i dont picket. i dont carry signs, or set up rediculous millitant camps for peace. i dont write my congressmen each day begging us to blow a bigger hole in the sand.

but. today i am quite bitter. i am very upset in the president's choice in a supreme court justice. miers is not the choice to have made. im not anti woman. im not anti issue of any kind, for the purposes of this, im anti this selection process. was this a case of, pick who sits next to me? you cant convince me, that no stonger candidate exists than a woman who is the president's personal attorney, for one year; to be one of the 9 most important judicial figures in the world. i had hopes for another woman, to be honest. i had some hopes for person of storied, yet staunch decisions based upon judical merit. i hoped for a name that would be seen as a weathered rock, from which we could root the system of justice upon, for the sake of this nation. what we got was a pebble, magnified by a drop of rain.

there is no telling what this person thinks, what this person feels. but we can tell that loyalty is a strong component of her character. to me, however unpopular i might be, find loyalty to any person to be a disaster when appointing them to the highest court of the land. even if shed turn out to be my exact ideologe, i loathe this choice. this is wrong. purely wrong. id much rather see Hillary Clinton produced as a choice of nomination before the senate. i stomached john roberts. but this is not how this is all supposed to work. with hundreds of qualified members of the court already sitting; with thousands of intelliglble scholars and jurists to pick from, like a field of wheat before him. he reaches for the chaff on his sleeve.

whats wrong about this, is whats wrong about welfare, its whats wrong about "diversity", its whats wrong about the war on terror.... its never about solving the problem. its not about putting forward the best, most logical solution for success. its about gratifying the easy choice. its about dodging a difficult question. with welfare we set up an entire socio-economic contingent of people to fail, we throw them money. we give them. we give. no one earns. - with diversity its about holding out a watering can over the desert. its a way to show you a flower and say the sands are fertile, while everything around you rots and decays. its about deciding to put a black man ahead of 3 white men, 2 asians, and a jew, based on the free points earned from the color of his skin, because we didnt meet a quota any other way. - when we fight terrorists, were invading and nation building. were banishing governments that have power to fight, and were alienating the people that are charmed and lead to back terror as a way to make us flee. we bomb the houses of the holy, to supp on the praise of what we did. we created a system of poor people that hate us more than ever. .... ..... .....

in every sense, we failed to put forward the effort to make hard work pay off. we havent instituted wpa projects to skill new labor, we havent funded education and future initiatives to make the young black man a success on his own, and we havent killed any more terrorists than weve created. we havent picked a supreme court justice to proud of. we havent selected from the finest minds of jurisprudence, we havent looked into the ranks of the qualified standing ready. we havent rewarded the faith of the legal system actors with this nomination. we took an easy road once again. we didnt look to find the best lawyer, the most prudent judge, the most pontific decisionist, nor the most reliable thinker. we grabbed who was handy, and its a disgrace.

whats it like having a job?

*smacks head*

its really going to be hard when i do get hired. ive not had to stand around, doing nothing for months. i havent had to sit and look busy for hours in weeks. and i cant remember the last time i had to have a discreet disagreement with an employee. all those valuable workplace skills have atrophied.

well as much as a riddicule people for thefacebook.com ; i find myself looking through it an awful lot more than i used to. its not that the people that i do know are addicting, its the people that i DONT know. on a level thats purely fantasy, its almost ... almost... exciting to look at people. i guess i never realized how bad it sounds to say something like that outloud. people use this website to keep track of their friends and such, but for me its like flipping through a copy of People or US magazine. i never realized how many attractive women there were, floating around that school, or how many populated friends in that area, how which ones decide to put up half naked pictures online.

i wonder. late at night, when i cant sleep. and im laying awake, looking into the darkness to find the ceiling... how is it other people see the world? what would it be like to frame the vision of a serial rapist? how would people look... how would thoughts and impulses flow... would it be like me? would it be different? would someone like that see a simple, harmless website like facebook, to be more like a catalog... something akin to a jc pennys book of women. fantasys on paper, not much unlike fall wardrobe. to look upon the blondes and the brunettes... see the smiles... imagine their laughter... the way they feel when you touch their skin.... the taste of the waxy balm on their lips... the tactile sensation of freshly painted nails... tossing curls of hair over your fingers in a mindless manner, while she hangs her head in adoration of your stroke... the radiance of her eyes, that permiates the darkness of your thoughts, pureifying the moment, while the idle touchings stimulate the mood in her iris, and leave it blazing... imagine a person who could become so real in your mind, just by pictures, that you act out on it. even if its fake. so what if its fucking fake. does that make it any less of a fantasy? does it become less convincing to the man that imagines it... that desires it... that stretches so far to touch, that even his thoughts of achieving it must be poisoned by a failure of truth? spoil his will, and he will rot from the inside- but nurture his his seed and it would overrun the garden... idle thoughts of things late at night. sometimes i wonder if thats someone like me, that i talk about.

at night, i think of things like that. what if im a serial killer, but havent realized it? i fit most of the projections for it.... white. late 20's to 40's. serial employment. horribly failed relationships with women. outsider views. idleness. and most damning of all... this ability to covet. ... what if i am the next person youll read about in the papers... if im that loon who eventually cant take it, and goes off to a shack, where he tries through his cries, to shape a fantasy with only a pool of desire, filled slowly by the tears of his pain. waves of anger, capped by the subtle musings he craves. that surge could rush, and i could be lost a drift in the madness of the ebb and flow of my own tidal anguish to secure the relationships in my head. things. money. women. all glibly mentioned-- but the urge to covet... to put upon a pedistal... that is the fear that holds me. a desire. a want. a need. to act out on it i suppose, just to touch more than glossy print. to feel the hairs, to rub the sweat from the skin. tips touching the tones of her complexion, lighting it to tingle. to have the salty taste of her sweat from the passion of lust with her.... and all the while... never removing myself from her eyes... the eyes which one could have gazed upon a thousand times, yet never seen. a glimpse of the man whom is captivated by her, that she never knew. the eyes widen with fear, or for me, is it with realization. ...... could that be me? my own thoughts imprison me in the darkness. and i flip the pillow to change them... to cool the tepid fever of my mind.

or if i could, would i be the type of saint among men. chiding away from the ill conceived conventions of life. things carnal, begat things troublesome and painful. if i could become the person that moved away from it all. that somehow, found a way... not to bury. but to bleach it. to shock it stark. pure. white. without flaw. the innocense ive lost, would it return? would it be like a linen cloth, on the hillside in the warm spring breeze? no matter. with a touch, and a thought. id still see the faint rings on it. stains from the human existence. from the wandering eye, the fretting mind, and the desire to touch. but gone are the clumps. smoothed are the threads, free of pricks and tangles. and let my newly washed soul, lead me to endeavors more achieveable, and less of the material. could i be the person that could wash and wear? that could walk in step. or am i just asking to be left out in the storm, and weathered once again?

god how my mind wanders at night.

chiefly for mr. staab's enjoyment; this test is somewhat valid... i think the 'famous people' plot they put up has little to do with where we actually rank.... according to it, im due north of stalin and darth vader, yet west of ronald reagan, adam sandler and the unabomber. sigh. obviously the hamburgler, a ninja turtle, and a homeless person werent available for polling.

You are a Social Conservative (15% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (83% permissive) You are best described as a: Strong Republican Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

impressive literature, or smutty sludge?

"squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity come over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborer's hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionage, friendly, loving feelind did this avocation beget; that at last i was contiually squeeing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say, -- Oh! my dear fellow beings, why shuld we longer cherizh any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness. Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever! For now, since by many prolonged, repeated experiences, I have perceived that in all cases man must eventually lower, or at least shift, his conceit of attainable felicity; not placing it anywhere in the intellect or the fancy; but in the wife, the heart, the bed, the table, the saddle, the fire-side, the country; now that I have perceived all this, I am ready to squeese case eternally. In thoughts of the visions of the visions of night...."

well.... sometimes i wonder to myself about the world. isnt it easy to think that there is some kind of chaotic order to it all? maybe its karma. maybe its luck. maybe its a big bearded god in the sky. but if its so. dont you just wonder when sometimes that luck might be skipping on people. not off. but on. like that people get too lucky. i have a cousin in a near-by state who, was diagnosed near bith with failing kidneys. shes on dialysis 3 times per week. with several surgical procedures, and a lifetime of medication and treatment, shes lucky to still be alive. alive enough to be put on a state organ transplant list. and shes waited. thursday she got the call that in peoria, they might very well have a match waiting. 5 minutes later; they confirmed it. they drove immediately and prep'ed her, and did a kidney transplant from a cadaver. a heartfelt story indeed. as my aunt called me to tell me on the phone tonight.

but luck skips on people. the cousin we remember... most definietly went through that ordeal, but since the age of 14 or so, shes been out of control. fights her parents. runs off. started drinking heavily and doing drugs. im not certain she made it much to high school. and i dont remember whether or not shes got a G.E.D. or not. but she has a kid. or two. its hard to remember. and shes about my age. the kid alone could have killed her, the one half functioning kidney was overloaded on her, let alone supporting a child. ofcourse the father is nonexistent from what i know. but i know her to be a drunk, lawless, habitual drug user. so much so, i know her case was reviewed by the state transplant board. you only come off that for two reasons folks. either you dont need an organ. or the state decides, you arent worth one anymore.

so she got her kidney. had her surgery. and were all supposed to bask in the glow. just left me wondering about how life, luck, karma, universal order, magic, voodoo, etc. seems to click and keep clicking for some people. i thought i was lucky that i could ever learn to walk as a child after what i went through. and i took advantage of that. i was active. i played sports. i adapted. i made good on what people and doctors did for me almost 25 years ago. sure; im not a major-leaguer. but i gave it a shot. even mornings now when i get up, and i have to physically straighten out my joints; im still glad i did what i could. even happy that i can walk. and i wonder an awful lot about people whom seem never to acknowledge how lucky they are. cute story. yeah.

finally.

image is property of Associated Press, all rights reserved by them...

i cant help but wonder about these people. the entire hurricane lasted about 3 hours. the flooding hasnt ended yet. but these people have no idea that their entire life will grind to a halt for the next several years. from what ive been watching on foxnews and cnn; these people seem to think a snap of the fingers is going to end this, and they can walk right back to what they had. in reality, they might never get back what they had. its not a sense of just loosing a home. these people are now unemployed. with dependents. there is no housing. not temporary, not permanent. there isnt supplies to build any either. there isnt even land to put it all back on to. everything now is still underwater. it cant just get put back the way it was.

as a sociologist, i guess what disturbs me the most are the images i see of looting, gangs, and group mentality exhibiting dangerious tendancies. there is no food. no water. no medicine. the dead are lying around them. there is no hope. and there is lawlessness. its a bad situation that could go off like a bomb. people are openly calling for the military to interviene on the ground. the attorney general is on tv making statements about how this will not happen. its a strange predicament. never thought id hear the words, "please bring in the army to march in my town"

what clearly is to blame is the ill prepared state of response. the federal emergency management organization has been throwing money arond since 9/11 for states and cities to produce working large scale disaster prep and plans. it looks like nothing was planned here. for a week they knew they were getting a hurricane. for 3 days they exact knowledge it was going to be a category 3 or more, and coming straight at them. and look what happens. there is no order. no plan. texas has more planning, in 24 hours, to deal with the problem, than either states of MS or LA. preparedness should have said;

forced evacuation of all population, block by block, with in 40 miles of the city. staging of emergency personel 150 miles out, days in advance. staging of transported goods and resources, including food water and clothing, 150 miles out in the advance days. in the final day or so, the army corps of engineers and city works should have been fortifying the fuck out of that burm around the town. 40 foot might have made a difference. much more so than 14. and if that meant bulldozing buildings for materials, so be it. then wait out that storm. come back in after 4 hours, and expect lawlessness, and death. restore order. restore health conditions. then restore the people to the area. simple. simple enough to have saved lives.

how would i handle it? being someone in that hurricane with my house coming down around me? i wouldnt roam the streets and start looting. pragmatically speaking. job 1, has to be creating shelter. people are walking around, crying, looting. but still have no place to go. the first thing id do, is build something. anything. get the sun and rain off myself. get some kind of temporary shelter up. id still have to survive. that means sanitizing whats around me. drag out the dead, and start burning the bodies. purifying water. then setting up to connect to the outside world. clear out a football sized area for every 300 people, to accomodate air drops. the name of the game is order. its having a plan. its knowing how to survive. right now, these people are living on borrowed time. 7-11's are going to run out of grape soda to steal, and four days later they have no temporary shelters, no signals out to where they are. and no sense of what to do. just thousands of throngs of people, rampaging like animals on a sinking ship.

its a tragedy. it could have been avoided. but it wasnt. instead, we have a refugee situation very similar to Bosnia, or Congo, or Cambodia. there is no hospitable place for these people to go. they have nothing. yet, only in america do we seem to demand help in 30 minutes; when it took months before the same level of assistance could begin in foreign countries for similar predicaments. and yet, most shocking. for all the money we raised for a tsunami. for all the aid we air lifted to eurpoe. for all the villages we created in africa. there isnt one country showing up to help america. who is there to help when the World's Helper, needs a hand?

well... the gasoline speech. everyone has asked me for my opinion. so. angrily. and without any sense of direction or desire to make it coherent. i think outloud to those that listen:

first. im not an economist. nor an accountant. i dont know the pricing strategies, or the specific costs associated, and nor do i know what market principles guide something to be this volitle of a price point in such a short time. but. here is what i do know.

for this week, 22 aug 2005. gas is now at approximately 2.52 per gallon in my area. last year at this time, we paid about 1.83. the year before that, it was about 1.78. if you look at our trendings of the price per gallon, over that time; we see the same basic patterns. gasoline prices generally start to fall till they bottom out in december, then rise till mid spring, then spike over the summer... the only problem is, we didnt really valley out this winter. no. we didnt. the price, for whatever reason, in sep to dec 2004 actually ROSE. then fell to its pre-rise level, before increasing in value again. now, we arent seeing an valley to this years fall slow down either, instead its gone off like a bomb.

were paying 73 cents or so more than last year... about a 140% increase. so. if we were cans of soda, selling at the standard 60 cents per can last year, we are 84 cents now. if we are a gallon of milk last year, we are over 3 dollars this year. so what. well. that 2 liter of soda you get, even at gas station prices is only 1.79... well its just under half the price you pay per gallon of gas. so why do we bitch?

gas went up 18 cents this last week. understandable. a 20% increase in a product over night is pretty uncommon. ha. imagine if that one ounce of gold you have... pure gold mind you, melted and congealed from all the jewlery you own, surged 20% in value this week... at about 450 bucks an ounce, you made a cool 85 dollars. so. gas too. is a valued commodity. anything that can rise that fast, has to be valued preciously. bullshit? i dont think so. look at the gasoline consumption lately. see something wrong? its up. we are actually consuming between 5 adn 15 million barrels of gasoline MORE, than our normal trend. or.. with about 300 million barrels.. its about a 105% of consumption, maybe 110%. so in a perfect world, maybe we could just be even and say, if we rise the demand for a product, the rate increase would match. this is wrong, i know it. but what if. wed be paying a dime more now, rather than 70 cents more. so keep in mind, that the rate of consumption will effect the price. it has to. so now lets figure that we should actually be paying 1.90 per gallon, since we are indeed, demanding more of it. think. what happens to the price of that one bottle of booze you want, when you arent old enough to buy it? its not 20 bucks.. its 25 dollars now. you pay someone else a premium, because you want it. the supply is nil. the price goes up. and either you buy, or you dont. so. the question i want america to answer is... why are we outstripping our growth on gasoline consumption?

why? if you want cheap gas. stop buying it. stop using it. the price will plummet. if we, as americans used 85% of the expected volume... the price would dip. it has to. because some refinery is pushing out at 99% capacity, and those lines have a constant flow coming in the pipes. its like produce in that respect then... how much do you pay for bananas? its a sin to pay more than 30 cents per pound.. why? they rot in 3 days. if you wont pay 30 cents for bananas today, tomorrow, they have to be 20 cents. or less. its product that has to go. now sure. you can sit on it. you can keep those bananas on the shelf till its a pile of black pudding. but it wont sell. same with gasoline. gasonline has a shelf life. gasoline goes stale. the only way to back the quantity off, is to slow production a facility, and slow the replunishment from it to stations. thin it out. if you stopped driving, all at once. that gasoline in the lines, now being pumped at 99% capacity is worthless. and dont tell me it wont get noticed. lets fucking say, that each gas station in the US sells oh.. 100 gallons a day. thats it. fewer than 10 cars fuel up. ok? 163,000 gas stations in this country, that collect federal excise tax. say you boycot it on friday. 100 x 163,000 = 16,300,000. you use that much a day. 16.3 million, gallons. at 2.52 per gallon, someone just lost in the neighborhood of 40 million dollars. now. im way off. gas stations in my region take a tanker truck about 2 times per week. thats just shy of 9,000 gallons a pop. if there are 50 gas stations in davenport, id be missing most. so. 50 x 18,000 = 900,000. nearly a million gallons of gasoline per week. at 2.52 per gallon, thats 2.3 million a week were paying out. imagine if you stopped it for a day. but... heres the kicker... all this joyriding you do, at 110% of the gasoline consumption, thats at a clip of 800 grand a week someone is making off your fat ass. just in davenport. just purely speculating with low-ball guesses. now can you see why the gas game is so volitile?

not that im pulling up green party roots here people. but. the reason the price of gasoline is what it is, is because of your nature to consume. plain and simple. its not some man in a grand red cape and crown setting prices on a black board. its you. the lacksidazical goon that goes to QwikTrip for a soda. then later for smokes. then drives across town to see a movie. then home. then to work. then to eat. then drives around in his big SUV for an hour, running the airconditioner and massive stereo for the neighbors to hear. you, the person that drives around without any clue that each trip consumes gasoline. each gallon of gasoline is made from about 2 gallons of crude oil. the process takes a shit load of heat, pressure, chemicals and precision, and is so dangerous, we like to do it in foreign countries that dont mean much in the real estate books. plus we have to dig it up. before that, we have to wait around for a t-rex to fall down and god damn die, and decompose with a bunch of plant matter, praying that a specific geothermal process encloses it all at a specific temperature, to produce oil. so its a bit more involved than that "gotta get some smokes" craze, that you bitch about to Ahmed and Sanji at the gasmart, feeling they are targeting your white ass because we brought a war to their shithole in the world.

if you just ended the oustanding increase on gasoline and crude oil based products, the prices wouldnt rise. look at it another way. if. if a future fuel source could be developed and marketed tomorrow, it would never sell for what the price of gasoline does now. consider if we just widened the exploration for current fuel. consider if we just decided the standard 40% fuel efficiency of the gasoline combustion engine was not enough to be sold. imagine if we paid for gasoline what people in other countries pay for milk. just imagine alot of other factors that would also change the price you pay per gallon. but none of them would matter nearly as much as consumption. dependancy on oil is what the green folks call the problem. but really, its the level of consumption. and sure. its youre right to buy any old monster truck out there, pushing out countless drives across town at 3 gallons per mile consumption. but. its the oil cartels right to charge you as damn much as theyd like, now that youve found yourself squarely married to the prospect of living and dying by your gasoline. its our bed. weve made it up. sometimes its not so comfortable to lay in it so long. however. it will swing back again in our favor.

after the gas prices of the 1970s of adjusted 3 dollars per gallon, we spent nearly 30 years paying less than half that for the same product. but it took a generation off guard, and it adjusted their outlook. its about time something grabbed us by the crotch that wasnt as sweet as britney spears. its a national conversation that could easily be a critical motivating factor for our generation. as it stands, we are sat hunched on the threshold of development. true development. we demand and then we consume. cheap as possible. easy as pie. thats what should be our motto. and now, we found out, cheap has its limits. at this point, there isnt a walmart we can run to, to buy Made In China gas on a shelf at 30% of normal price. we cant simply sell a product like that so under valued to make it acceptable, or it would kill the very industry we desire to see serve us. we dont have a new flavor of the month.. we cant abandon gasoline like we do Michael Jackson cd's. we are now stuck digging deeper to pay the piper, because we loom on the edge of morality in the international market. we stand at a line that says, PUT UP || SHUT UP. to eat the grumblings of our misgivings to take the cheap handouts and steamroll forward, or, to quietly look around and wisen up that Americans have gotten a good deal for a long time. do we, as a generation of Americans really want cheap gas, our way, right now... or are we willing to accept the responsibility for what that entails? sometimes that might mean going to war for it. sometimes that might mean you cant make 15 trips around town to do errannds. it might mean you cant all have a car when you go to college. but right now that means, paying more at the pump.

am i really that wrong this time?

s.

i was going to write something. but once i sat down here. nothing really has come to mind. last few days havent been all that exciting really. well for the past week or so, it hasnt been that exciting. nothing new as a job development yet either. i have my 2nd interview with dixon wednesday. again. i want that job. but im still keeping my eye on any other potentials as well. so pretty much i do that. then a bunch of nothing once im done. i sped through the submission class from this summer all over again, i had to resend every assignment. so i took the time to read them and proof it and change some things as i went. pretty boring. reread the books again. still didnt make much sense. so today i made the trek to the library, thought id been missing reading a bit... haha. not with all that crap. so now im reading for fun, and i have to say i like that alot better than reading for class. this trip was mainly non-fiction. some biography on M. T. Cicero, and something about the war of 1812. oh. and faulkner. i picked up the sound and the fury, to read again. hadnt read it since late highschool. kind of forgotten what its all about anymore. still waiting on my other books that i had to order to appear. harry potter book 4. i feel like a kid reading it. sometimes its good, sometimes its not. my goal is to get caught up on those things to where the rest of the world is. they arent much of a challenge, and for 500 pages i blow through them in just under 4 hours. i also found them to be a bit humorous. the stories are kind of funny. i laugh at the funny parts. and i really laugh at the magic spells. most of the spoken components to the spells are broken latin. harry's use of "lumos" for light, and the root of the word they use in the charm spells comes from a verb to entice. so i like that. anyways. it got me on the subject of latin. i actually went looking for trouble in the library, found out all they have is a dusty shelf of dictionaries, and one ancient copy of Wheelock. no lexicons. nothing else. i was hoping to find maybe one book in latin to read. but nothing. the handlers in special collections had nothing that came to mind either, but they did think that the private catholic college might have something. so, if the joblessness and boredom persist, guess ill follow up on that. or i suppose, i could always just drive back up to iowa. atleast i know where i can find latin at. there is some on the net too. but id rather take it to a park and read, you know? but my july project finished. on the sly, i worked my way through all of De Bello Gallico. g.j. caesars self referenced accounts of his gaul campaigns before his return to rome. mark, bob, and heather would be proud of me for sticking through it. although i missed mark's random comments about Space Ghost as i read it... and im sure bob would tell me my grammar was totally off from what REAL romans would speak. heather would just cackle at me. ah. the things i already miss about school. lots of people, parents included, thought it was strange that i wanted to keep reading it after torturing myself for over 3 years on it. i did too. but. i want to keep reading it. poetry too. so im challenging myself to keep it up in the head. atleast whatever made it in there to begin with.

jobs made it back into my mind just now. im looking at a calendar, and realize i havent worked in a month now. this time last month, id already moved out too. i miss my life. old life i guess. my place in north liberty would have been so quiet on a day like today, with no school kids... windows open.. lots of breeze coming in. one of those days where id have gone to the res to walk trails. god forbid even take pictures. cant even remember the last time i go to go out and do that. isnt alot around here worth it. i dont think. its different for me though. i take pictures of things that i havent seen. ive seen most everything there is around here, at one point or another. when she came home, my mother and i were talking about other things i could go out and re-see while im doing nothing. i let it slip i cant stand being around here all the time. when i sit here 2 things happen. (1) i get depressed over job matters (2) i want to see people. i want to talk to people. i want to have dinner with my friends, or stomp around dirt walmart, or end up in my movie theater seat on saturday nights at 10pm in crapids, like ive always done. now im here. i dug out my computer from storage last week. hence my away messages are back ,and me being on alot. i got tired of borrowing time on my parents, and... lets face it. i could be here for longer time than i expected. its settling in now. ive only spent a couple days at friends houses. most nights im at my parents house. but. sometimes that makes it worse. thats when i fall into a rut. i feel bad but there isnt much i can do. im trying to make the most of having time off. guaranteed, that when i find a job, i wont get much time off for a long time to come. so today i slept in till 11. yes. 11. now. the scott of 5 years ago wouldnt be concerned. but the scott of the past couple would. 5:15 everyday, regardless. now. it was 11. i feel rested. i feel good. i thought about what else i could do.

im considering working out. thats going to shock some people too. just. i guess to get out and do something. keep my mind away from where it wants to slide. atleast if im beating myself up, like i did in highschool, i cant be near a keyboard or a phone to do any damage. i thought about runing. i think id kill myself though. it would be good. but i dont even know how my knee would hold out. speaking of places in the past, i can remember sitting in the exam room... iced and immobilized, looking at my knee. purple, 4 times its size, and so unsteady i couldnt put weight on it with crutches. i remember the orthopedist coming in with xrays saying surgery was it. the question was when to do it, if i wanted to keep up with that activity. now, i sit down on the porch. look at my spikes, with 7 year old diamond dirt still on them in my gear bag, and wonder what it would have been like if i never got hurt. maybe i could have played a game or two to get noticed. maybe i could have just played on the semi-pro teams in the area, no pay. just to play. just to be out. not sitting on the porch thinking about it. even if i wasnt good at all. just to be able to go out and play. i thought about going to the batting cage for an evening, just to get out and swing. i guess its like the alcoholic that remembers that last scotch. or the lifelong smoker who has that one spare pack, hidden in the back of a desk drawer. the urge to go back out to whats comfortable. to whats familiar.

four paragraphs later,im still wondering what it was i was going to write about in the first place. mm.. i dunno. my parents though, are having their 30th wedding anniversary. scary. 30 years seems like forever now a days. funniest part was, they were looking for a throw-back party, at a place that was open when they got married. theyve only come up with a couple restaurants that were open that long ago. eesh. and they arent that old. course, that game started. the game of, remember such and such? it was a different sort of dinenr conversation, remembering all the places in town that used to be one way 10, 20 years ago, that arent there... or are completely different now. pretty much anything down town davenport is a free-bee. i drove down there the other night. ill have to take a picture of it some night... but its not what i remember. the streets are the same, but thats it. makes me feel old, no wonder they had a hard time finding a place for dinner.

phil called today. i wasnt expecting it. i always feel a bit on edge when he calls me and im not expecting it. turns out, hes redeemed himself! after nearly a week of radio silence, hes gotten me an interview at a M A J O R tech sales firm in the region. and while the name probably wont mean much of anything at all to people that read this from out of the area. RK Dixon. its a step above SMG that i interviewed for a few weeks ago [the Xerox group sales]. this is a company name that i know, and what they do. phil has my attention tomorrow and likely monday or tuesday as well getting me ready for this interview. id really hate myself if i screwed this up. money is good-great. hours are great. full benefit package. plus brand recognition. its not selling magazines or girl scout cookies to be sure. im interviewing to sell high end managed care, and IT divisions. not components. total overhaul solutions. plus bits and pieces businesses might want. im also told, this separate division of the company is held pretty much by one vice president, and a couple of sales support people. phil gave me the impression they are looking for a long-term mold-able person to make it explode. i dunno that im that type of person. but im sure as shit going to convince them i can be. definitely a job that would interest me. sure, its sales. yes. alot of it will be calls, mailing, shit type prospecting. but. its miles above what ive done. its a career sales position. not a job. its not figured hourly. the salary isnt why you work it. the commission is. thats something that really, really stands out to me. but its not till wednesday. so please... cross fingers, toes. whatever you have thats lucky. im really hoping i can pull this one off. phil said its not a highly competetive position, because its not advertised, and they arent looking for an immediate fill. they want the exact right person. phil said they were very interested in what ive done. thats good. but im very interested in what they have to offer me. thats better.

until then though, i have to resubmitt everything for my soc class over the summer. university has fucked it up. so im redoing the last couple papers... everything has to be in by monday, and so far thats stacking up to be about 10 pages a day of revisions to be done on time. guh. this is the college that doesnt end. but by next week ill be a certified college graduate, finally.

not much else to say. just that im bouncing around with this interview. no guarantees though. odds are probably against me. i have to keep looking and applying in at places. but i want this one to work out. even if its sales. even if its davenport. i know its not some huge city. i know no one will want to visit me. i wont get to be a millionaire from it either. but this one would mean a big step up for me. definitely bring in more money than ive ever earned. more freedom. more sales. more important business. more of a development for me, as a scott. i spend so much of my time figuring out what the hell i am, this one would make me free to pursue what i want. it would help pay off loans. it would give me a day job at a nice office. it would give me the cash to buy a nice car... or the camera ive lusted over. it would leave me free cash to spend on who i want to. its... i cant think that. ive got to think. interview. sell myself. sell my potential worth. but its exciting.

you ever feel like you are in an episode of the twilight zone? just... everything seems to be happening in such a way, you scratch your head and go, does anyone else notice this? thursday i drove up to see sarah for lunch. as were sitting there, mind you, the first time ive seen her in the month of august, some man on a bike comes up. pulls out a camera and a ny times, and starts talking about taking pictures of people reading, so that he can make a mural out of it. he had a sample of it run in the paper. sarah pretty much looked at me, and i said, "ok..." then he goes, well id like to take a picture of you two; as i was walking past, i said to myself, this is the perfect image! she and i exchange nervous looks and laughter. but we were ok with it. so he hands us a diary, to pretend like we were reading it to each other, and he starts snapping away. at one point he mutters, "you too just look picturesque together" im bitting my lip. shes trying to look away. then he says, "hey, talk to him about whats up with harry potter!" she and i just lock eyes and start smiling, nervously.

see... to backfill some on this odd meeting. you have to undestand, about 2 weeks ago, sarah started telling me all about this book she was reading. i was shocked that she had time to read. so naturally our conversations always came back to the book. eventually she told me it was the 6th harry potter book. we talked about it. and, id never read any of them. so. i decided if she liked it that much, id read it. just to see. about a week and a half later, and 3 books finished, im catching up fast. but we joke about harry potter stuff, she asks me whats happening in the book to know where i am. just one of those things. i guess something we can half way enjoy together. [although, i cant convince her to pick up something I ENJOY.. cough hemmingway. cough faulkner. cough].

so. were sitting on the retaining wall by the hospital, being models. for me it was tough. not looking at her, or keeping eye contact. not even trying not to laugh. because i did. in my nervous, almost forced way. the only thing that came into my head was, who on earth pulls out a phrase like, "tell him whats up with harry potter" it was like someone knew. like someone was reading this in their book, and walked into the middle of it. i wasnt necessarily spooked. i was just. i dunno. anyways. he snaps about 6 pictures. smiles, thanks us immensely, then scurries off on his bike, and cuts behind a cambus. we immediately start talking about it and laughing, and in the exchange i lost the guy. how? its an empty parkway. 5 people on the sidewalk, one bus. no cars. and the guy was gone. sarah said she thought he must have ridden off. but he just dissappeared too fast for me. i dont get it.

so i mentioned the idea of omens and signs. about the lady in the restaurant [who at dinner earlier in the night i went back and confessed all to her, stopped us and asked her "is this your man?" --no "isnt he your boyfriend?" --uhm no! "well he ought to be, in 26 years of marriage, my husband has never looked at me that way or said a thing like that to me... this guy is a good one, you cant let him go, you just cant."]. about the kid in the bookstore [who starts asking me about harry potter books, and why someone like me is reading them. then about my friend, and if she was my girlfriend] about our ability to damn near hear each others thoughts [i stop her before she says anything, she finishes my sentence, we pick out the same dresses out of a dozen that we both like]. she didnt think it was anything. just a weird guy. but its going around in my head. im a detail person. i see things that are out of place. you know those Hocus-Focus things in the comics? the difference between two pictures? in a glance, i usually see those differences, that people spend 20 minutes on. and im just picking up on this. i dunno. maybe i am stupid. maybe im bored. maybe i have an over active imagination, and just am seeing things that arent there. but.

the mind just sits and cycles over things. like today, we were talking on aim, and she mentions how she went and got pizza last night... weve never had the pizza talk. so im not sure what she likes, what toppings she hates, or where she likes to go. so i throw out two specific places. not chains. specific mom-pop places in iowa city. the answer was. "wow. thats really funny you said that..." she ate at one, but wanted to go to the other, but it was too far to walk to in the rain. ... you know. sometimes it scares me. how alike you can be with someone else, and just not know it. then again, it scares me how you can be so much alike with someone else, and not do anything about it. to me. its got to mean something. something more than, you like pizza. because now its pizza, books, stories growing up, family 10 minutes from each others homes, same exact cds, and same dvd... its and its little things... they just keep piling up. and i look at it and go... why am i not with this person? go back to my last post... yesterday i found out two things... she desparately wants to be married, but doesnt think it will happen; and she wants children. it came out of nowhere in a conversation that turned to that. i didnt say anything. it just seemed to perfect to ruin it. i just said to her, that.. "if anybody is going to be married and happy forever, its going to be you. its me thats going to end up wondering what the hell happened to my life" because i just didnt know what else to say. im just scratching my head going; doesnt this all make sense? look at my horrorscopes... yes, im the first person to say exactly how broad, generic, and non descript these things are... but for the day i told her how i felt, and the day after....

day of:

You're not much for letting the world know your innermost secrets. But now? Well, let's just say that keeping things under wraps won't just be impossible, it'll be uncomfortable. So why bother? Speak your mind, proudly!

day after:

One way or the other, everything that has to do with that pressing relationship
issue yesterday is going to work out fine in the end. If it's not fine yet, don't worry. All that means is that it's not the end.

it makes me wonder. it makes me think that this has to be right. for once. or am i just looking past the reality? but it just sticks with me. thing after thing. time after time.

i was officially offered a job from enterprise yesterday. its somewhat exciting. the pay is pathetic. but it is a job. i havent decided to flat out say no. i told them id need time to consider the offer, as i was interviewing with several other places. all of which would pay potentially twice as much. i suppose it cant all be about money, right? well. it is. for the kind of money enterprise wants to pay me, id have made more staying with staples. yes, MORE. its a slap in the face for what they offer. after speaking with the head of iowa operations, it sounds as if enterprise hasnt updated their payscale in 10 years. ten years ago, 19,500 probably wasnt too terrible coming right out of school. today, its pathetic. they ofcourse, had to stress to me other earning potential from rental comissions, fleet sales, and referrals. i laughed. looking at the chart, the company superstar in the first 3 years only makes about 5 grand different than the i-just-show-up-to-work-most-days employee. and of that difference, 1500 is mandatory bonus for finishing exam work, 1000 dollars is in referral bonus [for new employees], and 850 comes from fleet sales to customers. the other 3000 some odd dollars is in comission sales over 9 months for an early placement. none of that can be counted on. no base pay bumps. no extra benefits. 5 days paid vacation, after 1 year. 3 flex holidays. mandatory saturdays. and 11 hour days. its not a good offer to be honest. but its something. something is still more than nothing. but nothing would cost me LESS in taxes. thinking back over their superstar vs. bad employee pay scales... after taxes, youd never see that difference. knowing corporate america, those bonuses arent cash in envelopes. they are taxed out at high 30%. so after taxes, id make approximately 14,600 to 19,900. i made more working PART TIME. now i see where this place creates all that revenue. its a large and growing company. it runs on a very thin margain. and this is what hits the razor's edge. the probably 10,000 people on the bottom end that do 80% of the work. i thought about it on the drive home from des moines, how difficult it was for me to stay motivated with staples numbers and requirements at my pay. enterprise would have rediculous amounts of pressure for less than i made working part time. but with more hours a week than i usually put in working full time. that 19,500 spread over their 55 hour work week, for all 52 weeks [recall i dont get any time off till AFTER the first full year], makes me about 6.80 an hour. after taxes, id keep about 5.45. take out benefit payments for health atleast, im left with approximately 4.89 an hour. below fucking minimum wage, requiring a 4 year degree. pathetic. see why im upset about this? why on earth would a college graduate take a job like this, when they should be smart enough to do the math and see what they arent getting? granted, breakign down any kind of salary, is going to make you mad, when you see how little of it you actually keep. but at 19,500 its embarrasing. i couldnt afford to live on my own. i couldnt afford to replace my car. id never have money to spend on Someone. id be more poor than i was in college, come to think of it. and that is not right.

sigh. so. im still here. sitting in the basement, trying to figure out what else there might be for options. phil called me this morning to tell me a place that sells orthodic shoe insoles wanted me for a store manager. pay would approach 50 grand. no benefits! none! id have to pay health insurance out of pocket. retail-like hours again, and NO WEEKEND. id "be given time off during the week, but weekends and sequential days off could not be given at this point" fucking christ. im my own store manager, and i couldnt be able to get a weekend off. ever. plus pay everything out of pocket. and deal with people's feet. no. i had phil give them my official, not interested letter.

and im still sitting here. thats pretty much been my developments on jobs over the past couple days. atleast this week, ive had the power to say no. and not the other way around as it had been. i still hope there is something out there. something thats going to give me real money, half-way descent hours, and benefits. so far im not finding it. and ofcourse, it would be nice enough to find a job i knew something about. unlike renting cars or selling shoe inserts. thinking it over though, most of my friends took a full 6 months to find something. some of them arent even working in a real field. answering phones. doing email responses to bulk questions. tech support. retail. not real careers. not real pay. but after 6 months, thats where they ended up. im dreading that. dreading waiting 6 months for a crap job. being stuck at my parents house for that long, or longer with a crap job. if i turn 25, and dont have a job, and am living at home still... im over with.

speaking of other life plans. id been thinking alot about how it all plans out for me. plans are pretty linear. you pick, you plan, you wait, it happens. anymore, i pick, i plan, i wait. and thats it. somehow weddings got brought up, and my mom started in talking about how hers went. after awhile i asked how old she was, knowing damn well the answer. 21. at 24 shed had my sister already. another year or so, and shed have me. i could help but feel pathetic. she reminded me that shed have waited if she did it over again, but that things were different back then. i still somewhat disagree. knowing how many of my friends are all married off now. i cant say it doesnt bother me a little bit to know this plan is going down in flames quite quickly. i figured, that if i wanted children, i couldnt wait much longer than 33. preferably by 30. i just dont want to be in my 50s taking kids to jr. high. i also figure i wanted to enjoy being married for a couple years first, without children. so figure 27. im almost 25. its pretty reasonable to figure a year of engagement or more, and a year of serious dating before that. im looking down the barrel of the gun at this point. my odds arent great for sticking to this plan. and while there isnt any reason why i couldnt push every thing back. it starts to get more complicated. think. women's fertility rates drop steadily after 30. in a ten year period, between 30 and 40, a high 80% of women go from their lasting peak to almost zero percent odds of pregnancy at age 45. sure there are cases of 50 year olds with twins. and 44 year olds. but the odds arent there. thats why they make the newspapers with those kinds of births. realistically childbearing is not and endless time frame. its a window. its a window thats quickly closing around me. now i suppose that must means i have to find someone in that window. making me the cradle robber. someday, ill be the guy trying to buy a bride in her 20s, when im 60. i dont want that. i still believe that i can marry my best friend. that were going to enjoy each other for more than something petty like money. and i dont believe in divorce. so it leaves me with shot. even more reason to worry i suppose. its a tall order. its a hell of a lot to ask someone. its probably too much to have going on in the back of my mind. but ill argue all of that... its necessary people. i have to think about it. if i dont. it wont happen. to keep to the plan, i have to know i only have about 4 years left. 4. i didnt even make it through college in 4 years. with no job. no real direction. and knowing i sure as shit cant count on how i look to attract someone; 4 years is a small window to do that much. to do what i wanted for myself.

for along time, all ive really ever wanted to do with my life, were three things. three. three measley little things, that to me, would say i accomplished my life, i did what i wanted, and i had some meaning to what i did.

1. find a career, that pays me what im worth. pay me what it takes so that i dont have to worry about money every day. that i have enough to take care of things... maybe not scrooge mcduck piles of cash. but to afford some comfort. to never have to sit and wonder if i deposited my pay check before i paid rent, while standing in line at the grocery store, planning if my check for groceries will bounce on the spot. never having to worry about having money for my kids for clothes, or food. sure i cant buy them a namesake building at Harvard, but that id always have enough money for what we need. and some extra. enough that i can spoil them, and spoil my wife once in while. a job i dont hate. i job i dont dread getting up for every day. but one i can leave at the jobsite, and come home from for my family.

2. a wife. a wife that loves me. someone thats my best friend. someone that understands me, that worries about me. someone that wants to be with me for me. who knows all the things that make me, me; and how to deal with that. someone i can understand just by looking at. someone that comes to me for strength. someone thats not affraid to cry. someone that wants everyone else to know how happy she is with me. someone that wouldnt ever want to leave me. someone that wants children. that wants a life with me. someone that says, scott is the only one i want. a woman that agrees with my list of 3 things.

3. children. the job pays for it. the wife and i have each other. and the children have us. i want kids. i want to have kids runing around. i want to have kids to watch grow up. kids i can go to school functions with. kids i can ground occasionally. kids that light up when they see mom and dad. kids that end up alot like me. fullfilment. having all of that. kids fill that out. and thats what i want.

only three things. i cant truthfully put them in a ranking like that... but it would kind of work that way as listed. kids have to come last. id have to find a wife like that to have children with. and id need some money and job security to do it. and the more i thought about it, the more i realize, for me... asking for all 3 is asking for quite alot. looking at everything on that list. its hard to imagine myself realistically with all of it. maybe my magic number really should just be 2 of them. maybe i could find a job like that. but maybe i couldnt ever find a wife like that. and as hard as ive tried, ive only found a pair that id even consider it with. so. jobs and kids. i could always adopt i suppose. raising kids by myself that have no real connection to me. to blood ties. someone elses throw aways like me. that would be alright. its not all 3. i wonder how hopeless i am if i cant even manage 2. right now, i cant even get 1 down. im at zero. and i have 4 years to move that. 4. if i dont have 2 of those crossed off in four years, i wont ever cross them off. no matter which two they are. because i cant start over with a job at 30 something. not with other committments. i cant abandon a wife for children, or money. i cant bail out on a wife and kids with no job. ill know by the time i blow out my candles on my 29th birthday what my odds realistically are for myself. ill know how short i was. or how close i am. and its only four years away. i kind of wonder what it would be like not to get anything on that list. what it would be like to end up with a job i hate, for not much money. no one to come home to. no one to make fun of me for getting bald. no one to sit and share thoughts with. no one else except myself. and not for four years.. for-ever years. maybe Someone should see why my motivations are what they are, if i spell it all out like this. being young only happens for so long. being youthfull, and crazy, and dodging responsibility only last for a short time. at some point you have to take on those things in life. thats .... thats maturity. thats respectability. thats the natural progression. thats where i want to head. i dont want to be the only person thats prepared for it, but gets passed by for it. i feel like ive done too much of that already. and most people would say, ive lived more lives than anyone else they know of at this point. i see that as the experiences i need to go forward. 1, 2, 3. no ones ready for that. no ones ready for me. its the sinking impression i get, living in the basement of my parents house at almost 25. with no job. no money to my name. no real place to go. and no one to call me back when i want it. no one else to notice that im serious about it all.

for the last time? 



quite possibly. the interview i have with the big name company on monday has a zero facial hair policy. not that i even want to work for them, just i cant afford to blow it off or anything. i have to go through with it, even if i decide id want to go for it later... or out of more desparation. regardless. "phil" my hiring guru, has twice barked at me that i need to shave. ugh. everything. ugh ugh. i cant even remember the last time i was totally clean shaven. i hated having sideburns to deal with. i hate trying to shave that spot under my nose on my upper lip. i have scars on it from cutting myself repeatedly. and quite frankly. i think i look like im 8. i dont like that. if i shave i look really, really young. 8. and im not kidding. and maybe if i dont look 8. just 15. i feel older. "phil" seems to think its bullshit. and its all in my head. he tried convincing me that i was a "youthful, good looking guy." it all sounded a bit like a gay come on. but. he knows more about this kind of game than i do. i went with him, because hes being doing professional placings for 30 years. i gotta trust him. hes odd. the first time i met him in person, he starts in telling me about his bouts of insomnia. appearantly he had fallen asleep in his car over the lunch hour, and my 2pm appointment came at the end of the first sleep hed had in almost a week. then there was the quirk of him only drinking soda from a cup. over the past week, i even offered him a can of diet pepsi, just to see if hed drink from the can. he refused. went and found a cup. and offered one to me too. strange man. however. after my friday interview, all i did was drop the company name on the phone, and he knew the hiring manager's first and last name, personality, hiring standards, leading questions, as well as how i did based on how she exited the room. according to "phil" i wont be getting a call back. i thought i did ok. maybe not exceptionally well. but ok. it was a first rounder. how bad could it have been? "phil" says they have 20 people vying for one spot. "youre out. you didnt do well, you didnt close. you just didnt have it. trust me kid, they have realtors there only because they are looking for hardcore sales and closing skills, and you dont have that right now. she knew it. so. big deal. we'll get you something else." and like that my day pretty well fucked out. i call him "phil" because im supposed to. hes a phillip. but he said "you can call me Phil now". like that means i will? im always leery of people telling me what to call them. "phil" too. i dunno. job searching bites. my mom said i should be quite proud of myself to have gotten in with 5 big places for face to face interviews in a weeks time. but really id just like a paycheck. that would make me proud at this point. no such luck. so going with "phil" on this one, ill shave. and a hair cut. he gave me that one too. my hair appearantly suggest something about me that says im "over easy, too relaxed, and unfocused" according to "phil" im starting to think he really wants to judge American Idol. regardless. shave and a hair cut.

marketing mystifies me. i went out especially to pick up Alexander on dvd today. there are two versions, both in two screen aspects. 4. why? the special edition, and the directors cut. looking at the backs, i couldnt find any differences, other than the special edition bled over on to the second disc, while the directors cut used the second disc only for features. which, were the same features on both versions. the run time was 6 minutes longer, i believe, on the special edition. but only the directors cut advertised itself to have missing scenes. i bought it. i havent seen anything that wasnt in the theater. sigh. as much as the film itself didnt satisfy me, i still enjoyed it. maybe more this second time. on the theater screen, its cut so close to the action that on a 50 screen you can seen whats going on. at home on a tv set, squared away in letterbox, i didnt get lost in the battle scenes or get dizzy from trying to swoop to look at different corners of the 50 foot to see who was doing what. i liked alot of the film. lots of little things irk me. some of the documentary on the making of the film was interesting, explaining the differences in grades of film, and types, used to capture certain coloration and contrast in scenes. i had expected alot of that to be done digitally now. kind of nice to see the old standard way still in use in places. its worth a rent. most people probably wouldnt want to own it. warner brothers would have done better to release one version now, and one for christmas time, to possibly double up the buyers. as it stands, i doubt anyone will want two copies of it at the same time. its an ok story. its chopped up badly. appearantly linear story is no longer fashionable. angelina jolie's fake accent is still hideous and detracts from her lines. as is how her whole character is personafied. colin isnt so bad. and yes, his garbage still dangles out there in one shot of him getting into bed with some man whore. sir anthony hopkins isnt in it enough to save it. but... i do love his last lines, poorly transcribed by me...

but the truth is never simple. yet this is. the truth is, we did kill him. by silence we consented. because... because we couldnt go on. what by Ares did we have to look forward to, but to be discarded at the end? like [lighters]. after all this time, to give away all our wealth to asian sick offenses. we dispised mixing the races, harmony. bah. how he talked about these things? wasnt it really about alexander and another population to obey him? i never believed in his dream--- none of us did. thats the truth of his life. the dreamers exhaust us. they, must die before they kill us with their blasted dreams! . . . all his life he fought to free himself from fear, and by this, and this alone, he was made free. the freest man ive ever known. his tragedy was one of increasing loneliness and impaitence with those that could not understand. and if his desire to reconcile greek and barbarian was failure. then what failure, is failure that towers over other mans' successes? ive lived... ive lived long life Catmus, but the glory of life will always remain to those that follow their great visions.