i am jack's undaunting sense of horrific flashback.


well class starts tomorrow. back to fun with Magister Marcus. we all adored the Magistra, but Mark isnt going to make us do shit. no one is demanding otherwise. im sure hell have assignments... probably some quizes too... [he mentioned vocab is still important {bwahahaha}]. but tomorrow marks the begining of the end really. come may something er other, i will be done. hopefully on my way far, far away from this wretched place. while i did learn a few things here... aside from latin, bits of hebrew and a miserable failure of spanish. some things really just never meshed well with me. and i cant honestly say without remorse of heart, that im going to miss the university of iowa. i might miss being a student. getting information on subjects no one does. being nameless in a group, being expected to be worthless to society. but ive spent too long here. for far, far too little. i am no different than when i walked into the doors of Phillips Hall, that first morning on campus. back when i actually carried a map with me to jog my mind how to find that North Hall, that was hidden from view... and now i carry it because i have no clue what the hell the names of some of these buildings are anymore. campus has changed. kids have changed. and all for the worse. ive seen some very bright individuals fail out of this school; ive witnessed idiots graduate with honors; and ive seen cheaters out score me in plain view. at times, this place brought me to my knees... on the bring of academic ruin, to financial disdain... and even to the ends of my own sanity. but tomorrow is the first of the last.

when i was a kid, i used to get anxious about school. while i never wanted to start classes and leave home; i never wanted to miss a chance to be there either. i remember being quite a problem child in 1st grade.... how much i hated school. i hated the teacher. the kids hated me. i had no friends. they all made fun of me. they would say shit to me. throw shit at me. take my things and hide them or break them. and i never cried. i never cried for myself. so many times i felt like i was in that same mold again here at the university. i hate the school. i hate the teachers. the kids truely hate me. i have few true friends. theyve never understood me here. and they tried so hard to pieces of me away from myself. and i wont forgive this place for that. ive still never cried for myself. and i will not weep for this place either.

cheers to the last semester.

VALE! VALE!

fucking ow.

why people wont tell me anything at work, ill never understand. i guess the ladder is broken. no one said anything. and since no one did anything yesterday, i had to get the ladder and get a printer for a customer we should have had out. the brake skips on said ladder, some customer grabs my arm; brake locks. i turn my head. face rams into steel ladder stairs. and i nearly hit the floor with whiplash. i instinctively put my hands up on my mouth, and can just watch the blood spurting through my lips. the customer stares at me impatiently. i face him. drop my hands. two palm fulls of blood drop on the floor. his eyes get big. then i reach up and pull my lower lip away from my mouth, letting my teeth slide back through the gash just under my lip. and then i got fucking hostile.

after leaving and punching a hole through the printer in the warehouse, i proceed to try and stop the bleeding. i filled the sink in the mens room with blood several times over. i was scooping cool water into my mouth to wash the taste of clotting blood away. i cant feel my gums and teeth, my entire jaw is numb. i throw paper towels in the sink, soak them then pack them between my teeth and my lower lip. i noticed my teeth were all there, none of them chipped, none feel loose. but blood is still pouring out. i reach up and put the tip of my pinkie finger through my lip into my mouth... similar to the cock-knocker piercings kids get. cept i dont want one of those. but here it is, me and the impromptu version.

so eventually they haul my ass off to the emergency room. i get bumped around back and forth there. and eventually they get me taken care of. just in time for me to go back to work and start filling out stacks of paper about what happened. now its 4 hours later... and im starting to get feeling back in my gums and jaw. and it dont feel good. my lip is so swollen i cant close my mouth right, and i had to grimmace drinking a shake for dinner tonight. brushing my teeth will be a chore too. but my lip is back together, inside and out. and fairly well cleaned up. i just wish i had better luck. i just hate my job now. i just want to have a job i like. where customers just as soon die, than shove me into ladders, that malfunction, that no one feels necessary to tell me about. i sigh if it didnt hurt.

Current Musical Selection: Dio - Last In Live [album]

well... lets see.. whats new... nothing really. another birthday came and went. i think 3 people knew it was my birthday... including my mother. my aunt also sent me a card. so. really only one person knew it was my birthday. and she didnt say anything to me until the next time she saw me.. which was 3 days later. but she was still cool enough to ask how it was. mind you, she is the only hot chick we have employed there, too. but what a life i lead. the best part was the manager-i-like-working-with didnt believe that it was my birthday. like someone would lie about that. ah so. so for my birthday i got to work an extra half shift. i didnt bother telling anyone what that day was. seemed like theyd just have to come up with some reason to justify fucking me over on that extra day of the year. well all this semester they get many more opportunities... thanks to the university, im screwed into taking this last class, at 9:30 am. three days per week. meaning my last semester here, i get to close 3 nights a week. then turn around and open the days following. fantastic huh? they broke that news to me the day after my birthday. it helps to blow out the candles when they knock the wind out of you like that.

so i got the usual from my parents [several people wanted to know what i got] socks. 5 pairs. 1 tie. 1 dress shirt that matches previously stated tie. troy on dvd. and dinner out. really not bad. no really junk to have to keep or find a use for. so all in all not bad. despite that i asked and got the heavy weight wool boot socks, so i could go out and about in the snow down the trails without freezing my toes off. but i work like every day, so i never get to go out. the shirt and tie are nice. but im not sure what ill ever wear them to. they arent my ideal interview attire colors; and i get company clothing for work. it would make nice date clothing. if only...

that being the point. i had to love myself some this year. ... heh. yeah that too. well i broke down and bought a nice 16x double layer dvd burner and an account at blockbuster online. so i get shit loads of movies to watch... which i generally fall asleep to at night. i thought alot about it, and i even visited the camera i want at university camera the day before my birthday. but shes out of my price league. that 1300 dollar sticker is gathering dust. i had a dream though. that i had one. it was the best dream ever. i dreamed i spent a month on the road in the southwest... doing nothing but taking pictures. just days of walking around some old mission style churches, cactus, and mining towns. and all i did was take pictures. no one to bitch at me. no one gave a shit where i was. i just got to do what i wanted. i dreamt that i slept outside at night. out under the stars in the desert. just the hills and sand around me, and the star filled night sky above me. and the visions and still frames of senioritas in my head. and it was a fucking fantastic dream. and i woke up. standing around at work. with some 500 pound woman, with breath of ass and catfood, demanding that i should not charge so much for 'her microsoft'. that dream was fucking great. but the reality is knowing that it wont happen. but i held it. the clerk let me snap a few frames with it. and it is the stuff of dreams. atleast for this odd little man. it was.

in the mean time i have to settle for signifficantly less fullfilling aspirations. like latin of the 4th semester. and focusing on persuading [from the latin verb, persuadeo, ] the hot girl at work to let me buy her lunch more often. it worked once. im glad too. i didnt know much about her. now i know more, but understand her signifficantly less. ... im kind of in the dark about it; but i know it happens. the young female phase of dating the wrong guy. the kick of being the victim in the end. my words, not hers. but her words called it as "i was deluding myself about him the entire time; and everyong i loved around me told me he was worthless, and i just would hear it" . and from that ill never understand why they do that. shes also 20. her reign of stupid shit is just starting. in the meantime the Prisim services rep wants me. shes 40. but id guess her to be early 30s. i only know becasue she told me she has a daughter that works at a store in ames. she wanted to set a date with me to do some reset. her words. ben was my witness to the aftermath. but she said to me "lets call this.. a date for us, shall we?" and she gave me some coy ass smile. its flattering. and probably a bit disturbing how things happen like that. i just consented to her id have to work the day she came to do the reset and left it. the blonde at the coffee shop in noth liberty still remembers me. she made me put in the new ribbon on her cash register. coffee was on the hosue for it though. some really hot blonde customer was just putty in my hands at work today. i kept getting the hair flip, the lip licking, and the suttle smiles, as well as the "is this the kind of paper you use?" tj about died watching it. i should have hit on her. i so should have. but i didnt feel right about it. so thats the last time i show any customers my photos. atleast my good ones. i felt guilty about having her buy 60 bucks in photo paper.... and being too chicken shit to ask for her number. sometimes even the image of myself selling shit scares me.

images of our self never are what we think. i went to the mens room later; and glanced in the mirror. and i hardly recognized myself. short beard. short hair. ugly ass shirt. its more metaphorical than anything. but i was looking at the image of myself that i wasnt familiar with. i did a double take. it was me. and it was surreal. and i closed my eyes and tried to remember to myself what i really do look like.

but life is pictures. dreams are images of the life we most want for our selves. i just dream that those pictures could be my life. snapshots from the hip. grainy. and stark. something dark. something obtuse. yet memorable. and i know my time passes away; when i realize those images that i dream about fade away from me in my own mind.


-------///s.///---------

could this be it????

my true calling in life???

to go to south africa...

and.

PROSPER?!?!?!?!

read the story.

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Metal Thrashing Mad [2004]

god i didnt miss work. a week off wasnt really long enough. it just started. and the shit parade just cascaded all day. dumb ass people. unreasonable demands. and then i could say something about our customers. rediculous. im damned if i do, and damned that i didnt. its not enough that i out pace everyone by miles in sales.... it aint enough that i make that place run. now i get nasty shit from corporate how the department CIPS scores are terrible. how warranty sales are bad. how camera sales were slower than anticipated. how shredders arent selling well. it was one thing after another. i got sick of reading all the mail in my box at work. just because of it. not one shred of decency for me. just more shit. i didnt miss it. i guess i missed some of my coworkers. maybe.

i was superstoked to read my email this evening... charlie wrote a new diary entry online [the drummer from anthrax] guess what? the 'thrax is playing a benefit show in chicago in february for Dime. with Soil. with Disturbed. fuck. that should be some time. downside is its a wednesday night. what the fuck is that? wednesday night is not very metal. ill see what i can do about hitting it up. anyone thats interested should give me a call.

i managed not to get a damn thing done all vacation long. laundry i guess counts. but not really. nothing done with my class. i really should do that. atleast before the other one starts up in a couple weeks now. hard to believe its 2005 now. just goes so fast. really. i swore it was 2003 just a couple weeks ago. so much changes. so much comes and goes. sad really. that the years are already starting to blend together. so... in no particular order; its something i call...

____ of 2004.

best new beer i sampled - big butte. fuck. atleast it sounded funny.

worst beer i got stuck with drinking - that whole cooler full ... all of them were bad. but i made it through like 60 cans in 30 days. because ill be damned if i was going to move that shit to my new house.

best band i 'discovered' - tough call.. Dark Tranquility.

worst band of memory - fucking retarded ass Nightwish.

dumbest thing i did - fix that sink on dodge street at like 1am. went to brush my teeth before bed, on a cold snowy night. found it wouldnt drain. so i start taking shit apart. find myself in a pile of parts, drain-o pool, and rotting wet hair clogs at 4am... cant get it to re-assemble. take the sink out of the vanity. dismantle everything from the wall outwards. 6am i get it back together. it leaks. 7:30 am i walk 10 blocks in the snow and ice [car was plowed in] to a hardware store to get new 72 cent rubber seal. struggle home by 10am. sink is working leak free by 11am... just 9 hours later than it should have.

most proud achievement of the year - paid off 2 credit cards, with no help. i set myself on a payment schedule... starved myself when necessary. imposed my $10 fee for buying shit i didnt need. and now im on my way to be credit card debt free this year. for ever and ever i hope.

most meaningful experience of the year - honestly... it was the car ride back from Mason City with justin o. after the machine head concert, and aised from meeting Flynn and Deuce, we we fucking talked like women! but, you know ive got alot more respect for him and we understand alot about each other now. hes one of those friends i never had, we have seriously like 10 shared friends since jr high; but somehow we never met till Staples.

dumbest fashion trend - those fucking poncho's on girls. seriously. they are shit ugly colors. feel like a sweater. and so mishsapen they are worthless.. Clint Eastwood is calling you punks out. pink tshirts for guys. nothing says homo quite like a pink nike tshirt. Nike, what is so masculine about that rapper in a pink shirt with womens stocking on his head?

best sports victory - the red sox. winning the AL Pennant. the world series was cake on tits.. but fucking the yankees in the ass like that... wooot

biggest regret - not calling back vivian that night she drunk dialed me... turns out there were 2 other drunk and horny girls with her... its still painful.

next biggest regret - paying 13 dollars at Applebees for that minescule undercooked chicken breast and tortilla cut into 3 peices. didnt even get lettuce or salsa with it. even andrea said she could have eaten more than that.

... and the next biggest regret - not going to see Damage Plan with Coach in chicago. not even two weeks later, Dimebag gets killed on stage and now ill have to settle for having seen Pantera play once, for 20 minutes, like 8 years ago.

healthiest thing i did - so since i dont booze much, and i dont smoke... ive tried to stop drinking soda. im still working on it. but ive limited myself to one can a day, or under. a max of one 24 can case per month. its hard. mt dew is still a guilty vice some afternoons.

best advice i gave someone - some random girl i met at the library one night. i was walking out the door at midnight, and she was sitting on the curb crying her eyes out. i kept walking. i had to get up at 5am. but i stopped, turned around, went back and sat next to her. i listened to her for an hour about how she was breaking up with her boyfriend some tiny iowa farm town, and how she felt alone, and had her heartbroken "for life" she wasnt even 18 yet. so i talked to her for 10 minutes. and she stopped crying. smiled. started laughing. and said she felt better. and ive never seen her since.

best comeback i had all year - i said it before Alan Shore did on Boston Legal!!! one manager got in a play-fight with me.. and i told her as she was trying to walk away victorious.. "why dont you just go search in your office for the next hour for the witty comeback you wanted to use right now" she about died. she just started shaking her head. she had NOTHING to come back with.

most pathetic attempt at attention - janet jackson and her nipple. closely followed by britneys marriages.. but primarily marriage #1. possibly michael jacksons mugshot with the "im a coy childmolestor grin" or maybe even the university trying to ebay the scoreboard at kinnick stadium for money... guess no pawnshop would take it.

funniest wager of the year - kyle betting that clark couldnt go a month without sex. we were going to start an online pool with friends all over the country. but clark couldnt make it a full week before he lost. clarks revenge was betting kyle that he couldnt score in a month's time. and for some reason no one took that serious.

friends trend of the year - getting engaged/married. seriously... you people are my friends and all.... but fucking stop it already!

funniest joke i heard - "who is the RBI leader on the Blue Jays this year? --- WHO FUCKING CARES, THE BLUE JAYS ARE TERRIBLE"

funniest inside joke - jimmy bought bunnies. heh. "jimmy and the bunnies"

best picture i took - maybe the one of the eagle-statue with the spyder in its mouth, that had covered it in cobwebs. or one of Jwr doing the apple trick... i still laugh looking at that one.

hottest girl i saw - that one chick at the green room. on like a thursday night in february. i stopped to see a friends band, and she was all retro punkish dressed up. with like those big pink kids sunglasses with smoke lenses in them... strawberry shortcake ones i recall. anyhows.. she had red and blonde streaked hair... huge rack. but was scrawny, wearing a lacey red brasier and some ultra micro black vinyl skirt and ho neon green fishnets. she didnt wear shit under that skirt! [ill say she had no fear of razor burn.. and i leave it at that]

angriest i got all year - nearly hitting a fucking pack of deer at like 1am one rainy night... i slid off the road. i got out. took out my trench shovel and chased three deer across a farm field, screaming the whole way. i ended up wet and muddy up to my knees, with no deer killed.

most scared i was all year - in that field with three ton-wieght buffalo running me down. for about 3 minutes, i was kinda worried if i was going to make it back to the car... or if the car would stop them. this car of old people were even screaming at me. fun shit tho.

worst pickup line i attempted - during the Battle i mc'd; my voice was trashed, i was tired, been drinking all night, and at 1am i asked these two cute girls that had been smilling at me and following me; "if youre 18, we can go fuck in the bathroom; its ok to do that at a metal show." they both kinda looked down and got all nervous. i laughed... made some excuse, and told them it was a joke.. the bartender and i laughed. the one gave a puzzled look, the other said "it was a.. joke?" then i asked when their parents were coming to pick them up. the one said; "in about 10 minutes" they really were like 15 i bet.

most rewarding moment - shutting down an old friend from high school, when she brought up an random IM rant about some Hemmingway passage. she always thought that i never read "great" litterature, but i proved i read it better than she did.

biggest secret i kept all last year - that one weekend when everyone was at my place right before school started, rabbit and i were drunk and ended up in bed together. no sex occured! we had fun, we laughed and we talked, we listened to matt barf up his guts all night long, beligerently moaning complaints about drinking to andrea. the next day steph went out of her way to come back and talk to me and we had an awkward conversation about what happened. and i felt really guilty about how i didnt handle that situation correctly. i know i could have had a closer friend out of the deal. but i didnt say anything to her. and now like year and a half later we dont even talk really. so i never really told any one about what happened. besides. everyone just would have presumed we screwed. so it wasnt even worth bringing up.

worst mistake i made at work - being nice and putting a typewritter ribbon in for an old man. i typed on it. it worked. we both laughed. he left. he called and bitched a week later that i did it wrong and then somehow broke his typewritter; despite it working for week [at his own admission]. he bitched. and he bitched. and he swore at me. and demanded a new fucking typewritter for free. that 3 dollar ribbon, eventually cost my store like 200 bucks. they gave him credit for a new typewritter, paper, and several ribbons. although i did nothing wrong; i now refuse to help customers like that because of that mistake.


..... so what do i look forward to in 2005?


. ill graduate. FINALLY.

. ill get a job. because ill have to pay for said college.

. i WILL NOT put in typewritter ribbons. all aarp members can eat my shit.

. ill have to sit through more weddings for my friends. maybe even babysit for them.

. i will never be seen at a Nightwish concert.

. i wont let andrea tell us to buy so much Beast Ice next time.

. i will talk to people about things, instead of saying nothing, starting with Rabbit.

. i wont chase buffalo... and ill be more selective about chasing deer.

. i wont hold these "marriage" things against Britney Spears when shes all teary eyed and knocking at my door some night.

. i will remember that ebay kept my alma mater afloat. barely.

. i will call in sick at work to see that metal show, 6 hours away or not.

. maybe ill realize i need to stop deluding myself. i am single. hopelessly. and maybe ill stop being angry about it; and just take it as it is...

. ill try to find a way to get Ronnie James Dio to autograph something for me.

. andrea and i can never let coach get "... this drunk ever. *barf* again"

. i will travel more. i want to. i want to go to a state in the country out west. and i want to camp out under the stars. and i dont think a hotel will count.

. i vow to take more and better pictures. of real eagles. dead ones even. but just more in general. to have something to remember my years by.

. ill give diet soda a try. its going to be hard.

. if i ever see that girl at the library again; ill ask her if her heart is still broken. if i see that girl at the Green Room again; ill ask her if she shaves with the grain or against.

. i wont make lude comments to 15 year old girls. i know jwr. this is makes you sad. 16 year olds are fair game.!

. ill stop talking about 'Jimmy and the bunnies'. i will use more office humor relating to, but not limited to 'Pig Benis', 'how is the treadmill TJ?, 'i should go as Bike Guy for halloween', and "like shane says 'i would ravage any butthole '"

. ill bet on kyle to win. if it ever happens.

. i resolve to only eat at the following places, with fruity shit on the walls; Chili's, Bennigans, TGI Fridays, Fudruckers, Cheddars. since there is such a shortage of places like this, i must reserve my attention to only the best.

. i will force an attempt not to criticize fashionably hip wears in public.... for several minutes.... or will try, in earnest, to dislodge my rants before they occur in me being asked to leave JC Pennys again.

. i will make someone else my slave on a trip back from mason city, and force the to listen to me, and see if i can make them a friend for life too.

. in all... i just am going to try hard to make 2005 memorable for me. one of my last few years, i can claim being young anymore. and when i turn 24 on january 6th; i will know that i am now closer to being 30 years old, than i will ever be closer to being in high school anymore. i hope a job i get wont suck too much. or it pays well. and maybe ill figure some other things out along the way.


----//s.//----

Current Musical Selection: Dio - The Last In Line

well ive been home for yet another xmas. didnt get much. didnt ask for anything really. the most nifty thing i think i got, was a new recordplayer. yes, recordplayer. ive wanted one for quite some time; much more so than the handmedown one of my parents childhood... which... legitimately is 40 years old. it just didnt play much very well; and the needle is broken on it; and damn near impossible to find. so i got that. its quite nice looking. very handsome wood detail in the cabinet. also has a cd player and radio built into the side. but all i really wanted it for was just the turn table. just something to play my small collection of vinyl on.

oh and i got socks. several pairs of heavy wieght wool ones. again, something i did ask for. most people dont ask for socks. i do.

but thats about it. everyone in the family complained how i didnt want anything and how hard it was to buy something for me. i told them just not to get anything. its cheaper. sitting around a home and eating good food was more than enough for me. besides, once pressed, i reminded them the few things i really wanted this year, they cant buy me.

1. instant dept eradication. school loans and others.
2. instant acceptance into next years class at public law school.
3. a woman.

none of which are purchaseable. nor are they guarantees. and i guess thats why ive stopped asking for things any more. ive gotten 2 rejections from law schools so far. i just am not going to make a cut based on my gpa. seems like all the schools are just jammed with applicants, and mine is just going to get tossed in favor of some chinese kid with a 4.24 gpa. regardless if the kid cant speak english, couldnt find kentucky on a map, or have ever thought about practicing law; that kid is going to beat me, and get a shitload of money to go to law school this fall. and im going to be somewhere. not here. not there either.

now why is it so difficult for a rental company to plow? i mean jesus fucking shit. they havent plowed shit out in the lot. [the city has plowed everything to the curb quite nicely] {{iowa city didnt bother to plow any streets, nor clear any walks}}; and now this company is just throwing salt on it. no plow blade. no shovels. just throw salt on it. i swear to god these people are just daft. just throw salt on it. the walks are slick and shitty. snow is everywhere. but they just throw salt on it.

atleast i cleaned up around here. nothing on the floor. 3 bags of trash i chucked. vacuumed. dishes done. tomorrow ill do the bathroom. and laundry. ill sleep in some too. bout time this vacation shit pays off for me. no work all week for me. staples is paying me to stay away. isnt it nice? it only took 45 weeks for me to use my 1 week of vacation, since i got it in like march. sigh. and now its so shitty on the secondary roads i dont dare drive anywhere. so im stuck around the house. cleaning things. how boring. doesnt seem like anyone is in town. for that matter, iowa city seems to have emptied out entirely. no barf puddles in the snow out and around town this morning when i drove through. thats got to be a first. although, im sure someone; somewhere, puked on some stretch of grass in this town. it just wouldnt be a holiday without kids vomitting 5 dollar cups of cheep beer across a sidewalk without it.

dammit. they are just throwing salt everywhere! some of it is bouncing off the metal awning below my window. and why. the salt is just going to get ground to dust by cars. it wont melt shit; and tomorrow when it warms up and the sun is out, all the important shit will melt. REGARDLESS of piles of salt everywhere.


stupid fucking salt.

wow. coolness happens.

"This heal made it through 2 shows, it died after that"
"Charlie Bennate"
"W.C.F.Y.A." (We've Come For You All)

ill tell you what... anthrax cant get any cooler. you write to them, talk to the band members about stuff, what do they do? turn around and blow me away... charlie said he'd do something for me; i was expecting a pick or a picture even.... not a fuckin tour used drum head, with autographs! fuckin-a. anthrax is the shit man.

s.

Dime.

Current Musical Selection: Pantera - The Floods

and im not sure how i feel. i never met the man... i never knew him at all... i heard him play one time, a long time ago. but i own every cd. i waited anxiously for the Damageplan record to come out. posters on the wall. and now Dime is dead. i dont play guitar. that doesnt mean i dont understand a few things about the instrument, or how its played. and i know enough that he was different. very different. he had an undeniable talent. he had a desire to be the best. and he carried the attitude of any real man as he did it. being a rock star meant he had time for what he wanted to do. it went to his head, and it never left his mind about what he did. this is a guy that would sit down and sign autographs for hours, hand out his own beer to people waiting in line; just because he wanted it that way. he didnt need to convice people to be a fan of his. it just happened that way. then i come home today, and read in the news that hes dead. and i dont understand it. i cant cry over it. and yet i cant feel the opposite extreme of nothing. its... somewhere in between. im just not sure how i feel. im not happy about it. this is a guy who should still be shredding for another 40 years. and now hes gone. he is the tony iommi of this generation, when it comes to talent, recognition, and innovation; he is The Man of heavy metal guitar work. everyone copied a lick or two from him. and he just smiled and laughed about it. his passion was just to one up them all on the next record. god. isnt that the way to be? so. Dime. as a fan i listened to youre stuff since i was 14. i cant even count how many times i drove around listening to Trendkill, or Vulgar just killing time. i dunno how many times ive been pissed off to the max, and just fucking blared Fucking Hostile, Sandblasted Skin.. songs i know every riff to, every note. and they all meant something. wherever you are man.... keep shredding. someday well all get to hear that next lick you came up with...

Damageplan website
Vinne and Dime's website
Pantera website

the stuff dreams are made of 

seems as though ive fallen into a ramen noodle kick again... this time its the cup format... especially this particular variety; "lime chili with shrimp". ive heard from several people how this sounds terrible, but ive got to say.... its quite tasty. much more so than the "hot and spicy" ramen... which wasnt... the plain chili ramen isnt bad... but this does have a bit of lime flavor. its spice-full... not spicey as in hot... its just got several flavors. all in all... it tastes like it ought to cost more than 18 cents for this thing.... it has to... doesnt it? some fucking china based company cant really be making these things and selling them for 18 cents a cup at a PROFIT, can they? with import fees, taxation and shipping costs... how can this be 18 cents and still profitable... and retain the qualities of deliciousness..... i dont see how. i just dont. i mean, i can walk down the street, barter with some corn growing local man; whose field i can seen from my windows.... and couldnt get him to give me a cup full of corn for 18 cents, no way! and thats just raw corn. one commodity, no processing, just throw corn in a cup. how can this ramen thing get made in japan or wherethehellever, packaged, shipped, importated, warehoused, distributed, marked up at retail price, and sold.... for 18 cents.. 18 cents! its maddness. fruit costs about a buck a pound.... maybe a bit less.... but to do that, it goes through hell... tomatoes have to ripen in trucks on the way to the supermarkets.... they get grown in such volume, soaking up chemical fertilizer to grow quickly enough that they become worth more than the water they have to invest in growing them, and rush them to market to sell at a buck a pound or less. and during 99.9% of the year, they sell at like 3 dollars per pound because of the growing season. ramen cant have a growing season. so how? how is ramen always cheap, always in season, and always changing? its got to be a miracle. it has to be the answer to the hunger shortage of the world.... why are we giving starving africans sacks of flour and wheat... give them crates of ramen! imagine if the volumed consumed worldwide would triple, over night... what if the price of ramen went through the floor! 3 cents... 7 cents... its rediculous to think that if they can make it this cheap, why not 3 cents or 7 cents... and how could that be any more expensive than a sack of corn... that we give away.... if all these starving people just ate ramen... they wouldnt starve!!! and they could afford housing... medicine... sewer systems... and shit like that. why??? what could be wrong with this????

yikes.. has it really been a month since i posted? ... eeesh. i should say something..

not alot going on... hence the lack of writting... my parents are getting weird/wired... mom decided she wanted a laptop computer. it was pretty out of the blue. i heard about it for a week or so. then they buy a dvd burner, out of the blue. then on black friday they go out and get a laptop from staples. yay. ill never see it. but its still kinda odd that all of the sudden shes got the rush for geekdom. they decided the tv wasnt good enough, replaced it. dumped cable tv. bought satelite. junked dial up, got dsl. all the things that were there when i was growing up.. atleast as far as technology.... theyve dumped and made serious upgrades on. nifty. here i sit. i dont even have a tv in my living room. for all the music in my collection; i have no stereo. all the technology i deal with every day, and i keep my notes in a small coil notebook. my telephone is 5 years old. my cellphone is just toenails deep into the new millenium. yet im the technology person in the family. not any more i suppose.

it finnally snowed last night. finally. it was a month overdue. nothing stuck. at one point at 5am we had a good 2 inches on the ground... but it turned to slush before i could take a lunch break. its too bad. wished i had the day off. i wanted nothing more than some sweet solace alone in the fresh snow. following tracks. taking pictures. just enjoying a crisp morning snowfall. the first of the year. instead i sat at staples. dealing with some dried up hag bitching at me because she didnt have any clue about the difference in DVD-R and DVD+R formats; nor what she needed. she seemed much more interested in drinking her coffee. which i despise with deep thrumbling veins of hatred; the shit-sniffing public thinking they are entitled to meander around with food and drink everywhere... being rude to anyone and everything as they drop, spill, and leave the remants in the stores. she did dump her coffee too. all over my floor. in my department. which i polished an hour before hand. no appologies, she just shrugged and took the cheapest packs of DVDs we had, and left. ... .... ...... ....... ........ ....... .......... like i said. i just wanted to be outside today.

i got another invite to a couples only type deal. not thrilled about the excuse ill have to make up for it. its some holiday get together. i just would rather save myself the embarrassment of showing up single. as usual. its hosted by a married couple. and from what i hear, everyone going is coupled with someone. except me. i can imagine my fun; sitting in a corner... or maybe even more uncomfortably, smashed between couples that talk to each other, or past me. just leaving me out of it. talk about things like doing each others laundry.... making house payments... having kids... planning weddings.... having real jobs.... i sip a drink every 14 seconds to keep from looking sooo amused. and ill progressively expand my search for heavier, and more brutal alchol concoctions. yes. sounds *fun* can't wait.

i really just wanted to walk around in the snow. was that too much to ask?

Current Musical Selection: Tool - Die Eier Von Satan



oh my friends.


this was probably the worst weekend in history. for once i get a 3 day pass... and im sick. for all of it. ear infections are no fun. nor are crippling, pain induced spasms and loss of equilibrium. that being said. i promptly pissed on the bathroom floor [missing the toilet] fell into the bathtub. stumbled going into the living room, then fell into my chair, breaking it. i wish i could say i was heroic and save a maiden in distress.... or was atleast wasted off my ass. no such luck. just was so screwed up i couldnt stand up or walk. then i blacked out for several hours. mix and repeat generously, and that was my weekend.


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so then i dug out some dvds.

i watched Suicide Kings for the first time. its not that bad. the first few minutes had me thinking it would be a totally different [and better!] movie than it turned out to be. but it was worth the 4 bucks i got it for at wallmart. the no name actors, plus jay mohr and christopher walken make up the cast... i hate jay mohr. his acting is just like he is in person. walken saves more of the movie than he should. dennis leary is, again, just like he is in person doing standup, which didnt fit well... but i loved him as a hit man in this. yet, its a who dunnit movie. just from a screwed up angle. it tries to have a message. but in the end, everyone is paint on the cement when walken is done with them. its worth a rent, .... on night where there isnt much else to get; or your list is pretty well exhausted with out of stocks. not a bad movie. but not a top tier.

Black Fist folks was my winner! 80 minutes of pure shit. blaxsploitation film genre filmed in the mid 1970s... richard lawson as a street fighter recruited by the mob to fight for money... dabney coleman as a crooked cop on the take, trying to stop the pure black man from making his dreams come true, and ofcourse, we have hte mob. i spent 2 hours coming up with that plot. its more effort than the director an writters spent on it. its a shit bomb in the porcelain kids, but this one is still twitchin' . its three shitty movies in one. first its like watching someone play street fighter on nintendo, in 70s clothing, with less plot interaction; then it becomes a terrible mob movie; doing what the godfather could not [ie - SUCK MAJOR ASS], then its also part of a vendetta movie like [Payback with mel gibson], just done shitty as possible. the movie left me in tears from hysteria. litterally. i shut the movie off to gain composure so i wouldnt miss stuff. turns out it did no good. the film just skips around making no sense. the end is possibly the worst ive ever seen in a movie. the film making is terrible. every fight has 3 camera angles which are randomly switched between. fake blood abounds. everyone has to get mutilated some how. and many of our favorite stereotypes are always at work in this movie...

never trust cops.

the mob is always the one that puts bombs in peoples cars.

black people always aspire to have a life of education, travel, and owning a disco club.

mob underbosses know karate when they need it.

best friends always die by the mob hits.

black men having relationships with 2 black women isnt wrong, but a white man having one with ONE of THOSE black women IS wrong.

football helmet afros really were in style for some reason.

more plaid pants make more colorful shots.

middle aged women love to pay to see illegal black street fights.

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aside from that, its got creative [read: very poor ] camear angles, tons of ingenious [read: forgettable if used] scripting, and a timeless [read: less time spent on] plot line. the bottom line is. if you like to see a Brother beatin' back whitey and the man, and dont care about how much sense it needs to make, or even if the Brother does a very good job of it...... then this movie is for you! come over, ill be happy to play this one! A+ 2 boob shots, cameras centered and waiting for them.... many fights.... lots of "honkey and jive-nigguh" lingo.... nifty outfits... a 7 minute pointless scene at a disco.... a mexican getting beat up by the mob AND the brother... and other assorted gems. come see Fightin' Leroy Fisk... in ....................



B L A C K F I S T (1975)

all i can say is, with a 2-0 game lead, the 'Sox ought to win this one. and im glad. id be just as glad if it were the other way around, as long as the best record in baseball's regular season doesnt mean squat in the post season. while we'd all like to know that the best team in each league is going at it... that doesnt always translate into an ordinal grouping by win/loss columns. on paper, in run production especially... st louis is a stronger team to favor. but. the nl central was pretty weak this year. where as the al east is pretty well contended every year. besides, how many times did the cardinals play the yankees??? yeah.. with the richest payroll in the game, they are a team that year in and year out buys out talent from everyone else.. not to win.. but to keep others from winning, making them win. and the Sox out lasted that. its a great story. one id like to see the Red Sox give a happy ending too. oh. and i do hate the cardinals.

other random thoughts.

i wish people held real jobs, all the college friends of mine have no idea what a real job is like... to work it while putting yourself through school. cafeteria isnt a real job. uni library isnt real job. try going out in the real job market, getting a job, being responsible for a company's assets.. and prove to them you can convert that into a profit. its much more difficult than people realize, then trying to just change a shirt and sit in a chair, and feel completely motivated in both worlds, once back in the classroom is not so simple. as much as i loathe the work environment im in, i detest the principles of the modern college teaching approach in america more. but ive done well, ive missed 2 classes all semester... both on account of work and not being able to leave, not that i didnt want to go. both times homework was done, in my bag; just i never got to leave on time to get to class ----- people younger than me should shut their mouths, and take some ques from someone who has been around the block about these things. ---- cars with tire gashes big enough to stick your palm in, should be leaking air... but curiously... arent. ----- sometimes i miss being a kid at home, especially when the weather changes. ive always felt much more comfortable at home, in a warm house, with my parents around, than here in the cold apartment by myself. i guess it was the simple things i took for granted growing up ----- the price of gasoline is rediculous. its gone up about 20 cents in two weeks. its still cheaper than what it is in 90% of the world... and yes, even soda is still a bit cheaper in this country; per gallon, than gasoline; yet that doesnt at all make it right for a 15% hike in two weeks time. also add in that oil production went UP at the last cartel/opec meeting. ----- election season has grown old on me. ive tired of the radio ads, print ads, web ads, spam ads, phone spam ads, etc. really... is any amout of advertisement really going to change people's minds about voting bush or kerry at this point. i remember reading some study in an intro class long, long ago about how early on people actually make their decision in elections. kinda wonder how true that really is, or how pointless all this advertising really is. ----- i cant remember the last time i wore tennis shoes. i saw my pair in the bedroom today, and they have dust on them. DUST. ----- my blog now has 206 posts. crazy. i remember the night i made the first post. and its turned into this long, turning ramble of a thread. ----- never stick your finger between a safe door and its frame. when the safe weighs like 600 pounds.. the door prolly weights 60... a finger bone isnt all that much to stop it when you get it wedged like a door stop between the two. yes it fucking hurts. yes, i have a crease in my finger from it ----- frozen windows suck asss. scraping windows is something ill never miss about winter.. or driving like Ace Ventura when you finally say, fuckit and give up scraping. ----- i thought pimpels went away after like 14. i feel like such a retard with this one on my shoulder that i found in the shower today. ----- why make scented toilet paper? i mean, its not going to make a difference in the ambient smell; and why change the scent of shit.... unless you plan on doing something with said beautified shit.... then thats really messed up too. ----- 3 cheers for the lady having her baby at work. henry james was 8 some odd pounds. hes a little bugger. always gets me how small the fingernails are on newborns. like the size of a pin head. incredible. also like kids who have hair when they are born. equally perplexing is why it falls out in a month ----- 12 cans of beer scarcely lasted me 3 days. i dont remember drinking it all. ----- why is it the one raging hot girl you know, always ends up hating you the most? shell talk to anyone and everyone else, flirt away with them all... but when i come around its; "what." "do you want something, or what" ouch. ----- for that matter, how is it EVERY girl i know seems to hate me deeply? i cant remember the last date i was on.... cant remember the last time a girl smiled at me out of genuine feeling... nor can i remember how i did it. some days i just want to die. atleast id never have any more expectations to try to fill, only to be unable to fill them. i think everyone else my age is on that road to marriage... and here i am trying to remember what the hell i did to make a girl smile at me the last time.... *sigh* it hurts some times. ------ why is it i keep rethinking what you said to me, years later now? why do i care so much? and why dont i care about other things? and how come i still feel like i was short changed for being written off; yet i was prepared to write you off and you beat me to it? ----- cooking is simple. who cant handle this? i mean, really noodles into hot water. pour on sauce. really, spagetti isnt tough; how do you muck it all up? or claim not to know how to do it?


---// rambles //---

work was also interesting. for the first time, the management refused to give me an answer on policy. they made me do it. its a step i know they trust me to make. but its still a weird feeling to do it. some guy had a box of pens, in packaging we dont sell.... who knows how long.... no receipt... and the kicker is he tells me; "i dunno that i even bought them here, but id like to return them" i guess 2 of the dozen pens dont work... he lost one... and didn't want to try the other 9 or whatever. the clear answer to this is... tough shit dirt bag. the staples answer is, lets see what we cant do. my sales manager came up; handed me the store key set, and said "scott, you know the policies, take care of the customer, you dont need me for that anymore" so... i walk back over to the customer.... look at the pens in my hand, look him in the eye, and fully intended on telling him to shove it. but the keys in my left hand made me think. so i told him, "let me see what i can do. i tell you what, if this is a product i still carry, ill offer you store credit for the price it rings at now, and you can use that immediately against another box of pens youd like to pick out, does this work for you?" ... silence. then he smiles. ' are you serious young man? ' "mmhmm...." ' hell, you dont have to do that; but i thank you very much for doing it' so he prances around finds some pens he wants, and Staples eats it on the 7.95 box of pens, from 4 years ago. he owes me 3 dollars difference on that, and buys a second box at full price. leaves grinning ear to ear. and im not sure thats a good thing.

i dunno. pleasing the customer is what my 2nd directive is according to the keyholder/management garbage they made me do for the company. safety of assets, customers, and employees is 1st. but.... really... he came in just to see if we do it... no one else in town would do something like that, and im fairly certain we never carried that pen or that packaging for it.... but i did it. and my sales manager told me thats the right thing for us to do, as much as we might hate doing that. Russ, the GM from Dubuque talked to me a week ago, and gave me some good advice on it that ive thought about since then... he told me; "think about how that return, or that claim is going to affect the company Scott" some customer had brought in an open copy of Windows, which im adamant against doing ANY kind of credit on... "sure, Staples bends over and takes it for that, 95 dollars at a time, but my paycheck is still coming, yours is still coming, and were still making alot of money for the people in suits, so; if you look at it as, how is that going to hurt Staples, not just taking it back, but how much would it hurt us if we DONT take it back, you understand why we end up breaking with the rule for the customers benefit." and from Russ, this is just an off the cuff thing. but hes right. for that company atleast. i still dont sit right having to damage off 95 dollars in stolen product everytime some chinese person or student brings back a copy of Windows with no cd key on it... and i never will. nor do i understand the nerve of customers to bring in product they know they probably didnt buy from us, used, lost part of, and expect to get something out of it. but we do it. i did it because its not my company. i just know, that they want it run that way.

Current Musical Selection: Megadeth - Die Dead Enough

i was listening to some tapped radio interview with dave mustaine tonight. its hard to hear it really. one of the most startling things to me was his mentioning, several times, that the new megadeth album was meant to be his solo cd [obviously it is.... NO members from the band appear on it other than him]; yet that he has thoughts of being done with it after this. appearantly this last cd was done to fullfill contract obligations to Capitol Records. which, again i dont doubt. in fact. id side with the record company on this one. his 'injury' sounded like a lame excuse to break up the band since it sounds like he wanted out. the interview had several snippets about how hard [heh.. remember this is the egomaniac that only does things his way] to get the rest of 'the band' to play parts and produce the right kind of album the last 2 records out... its funny, since he ommitts the odd So Far So What? record, leaving off with Cryptic Writings and Risk. which..... byyyyy the way. many fans loved parts of Cryptic Writings, and most of Risk does sound like a cd for a record company to fill single based air play with. yet, Mustaine made some comment about how this new cd is how the last several should have sounded. i laughed out loud. listening to lots of this newest cd.... i hear alot of the shit that was Risk, and parts that became Cryptic Writings... nothing really on this cd sounds a hell of alot like Rust In Peace, Killing Is My Business, Youthanasia, etc, etc, etc. id also never listened to Mustaine talk at length. i have to say, hes quite conceited. hes a match for the boys from Metallica.... which he also seems to bring up in every printed interview in the last 20 years ive ever read. *shakes head* money does that. he took several cheap shots at the band members hes since parted ways with. no wonder some of them are suing him. its still a good cd. just listening to it after i heard what he had to say makes me like it a bit less... or atleast in my mind, i like it a bit less that i paid the full amount for it. not as hard a i kick myself for buying that last Metallica cd.... but nonetheless... its just funny how hearing the source, behind the music, definitely changes one's opinion, if even but subtly, about the music.

Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - Die Young

well i was just thinking about something... thought i should dedicate some space to the rest of my rambling mind for it. andrea and i were talking about the clip of Jon Stewart, from the Daily Show on Comedy Central; where he goes on Crossfire, a political show, as a guest. - link to the clip - Stewart has openly criticized the genre of political advisarial commentary shows {hardball, crossfire, buchanan and press, lehrer news hour, bill o'reilly, ad finitem}. anways, the clip starts off as funny... however, in my opinion... and sure, i might be wrong... however, it looks like Stewart really takes the offensive, and stops the role of funny man. he takes several shots at the show, its hosts [including personal attacks against Carlson] and the entire notion of a show like this; while they are asking him serious questions. as it progresses, you can see they dump to commercial early, and break it up. it just goes downhill from there in my opinion. i can see how people could find it funny... yet i didnt. had i been a producer or staffer for Crossfire, or one of the hosts, id have taken great offense at Stewarts remarks and conduct. despite that. Stewart is attempting to reprise his role as, King Apathetic Funnyman. where, humor comes at the expense of the "absurdity" of the government, and the utter contempt that he holds the political area in. thats fine. what bothered me was the question that you can see host Tucker Carlson hit at in 2 ways, and host Begalia hit at once as well... Stewart claims that shows like Crossfire, pose a moral problem, as they lack journalistic credibility; by shaking up guests with questions and rhetoric to produce sound bytes for use, or by subjigating the viewers to political "spin" which he calls known lies, that challenge the credibility of serious media outlets. its a fair contention to make on Stewarts part. however, he repeatedly approaches it with violent outburts and rudeness to his hosts, and continues to drag on the point well after it was made. ironically. in a similar manner as all other guests on the show tend to do, when they come on the show to make a point. the diference, that Stewart wants us to think is; "my show is different" his show, which "the opener for my show are puppets doing crank phone calls" is to be funny, not to be taken seriously; and Stewart chides away from taking the several serious questions the hosts put to him about his own sense of journalistic integrety [ie. as an interviewer of important candidates, should you be more responsive with appropriate and serious questions, rather than giving John Kerry a foot rub]. Stewart claims no. he says, and maybe correctly, his show is about humor. not to be taken seriously. ... ... ... so unseriously should it be taken, hes written a book; a bestseller now i must add, that reinforces his thoughts on all politics and american poltical things. my point is. Stewart is off based in whats really going on.

. link 1
. link 2

21 %, at the time, of 18-34 year olds, utilize the Daily Show as their only source of information on political candidates. framed that way, the truth is clear about who had journalistic credibility isssues to examine. my point is, that while being funny is a all well and good... at some point when people stop taking it as being funny, and take it as the truth... or as news... or as their only source of news. there comes a time, when you must shoulder some responsibility in this credibility argument. regardless of whether or not you split an hour with puppets making fart jokes. the question should have been worded to Stewart; "If you are being seen by a near majority of viewers as a serious outlet for news [assuming that those 20 some percent ONLY category and PARTIAL categories {which werent given in the poll}], do you not then, have a responsibilty to act with those same issues of journalistic credibility, that of which you accuse us to be refusing?" Stewart wouldnt answer they way they worded it. instead he continues with the "my show is on a comedy network, if you want to compare your show to a comedy show, go ahead" - as he laughs. the laughing matter for Stewart is; his show, comedy network or not, HAS become a serious outlet for many people. and denying that it is a serious outlet is just a serious aversion from the truth as the "spin alley" which he damns.... or those people that knowingly distort the truth for their own purposes... Stewart, if the truth is people see your show as a serious source, and you deny that to sell books, make ratings, etc... isnt that a rather grave distortion of the truth for your own purposes? while i dont claim to be good at ethical judgements in this situation, i would levy the question to Stewart; "if we move Crossfire to Comedy Central, does it now become a funny show?" the answer is not necessarily. but id follow him on it; "So then why is it you feel people can't take a show serious on a comedy channel?" because the truth is, on some level these people do. this is whats hurting America, as Stewart calls it. for it, i damn Stewarts show much more than i damn Crossfire. and we should. though both pose the problem for us... which is more deeply hurtful, the show we know and recognize for what it does to us? or the show we can not seem to recognize for what it is they do to us?

where the line needs to be drawn is not the question... the question is how to handle that which crosses the line of fire. Stewart thinks we shouldnt pull the trigger automatically... especially not for shows like his; but yet freely fire away at shows like Crossfire. i think the integrity issue is plauging him. id open up on him, as he stands firmly on the wrong side of the line in the sand. his show, has crossed that line; probably unintentionally, but he hasn't made any move back across... instead, these books, these speeches, these apperances only solidify his position over there. and it is with the stick in the sand that we envision conflict in this country. i may have made the mistake as well, using that illustration; however, this very illustration proves that the line moves. the only thing that stays a constant is how to handle what comes over the line. ethically speaking, i feel that Stewart, who does reasonably know of the serious impact his show has, does have an ethical obligation, to act in response and in accordance with that knowledge. just like we as children look up to others; we must know that the examples they set for us are right in all instances, becasue one day, with one slip, we might be modeling the wrong behavior. and that is why as adults, we tell our children not to lie, not to steal, and not to harm; problem is when the children see us break those rules we've always told them about. Stewart, in making royalities, contractual dollars, speaking fees, and the like, from this; has an obligation to stop acting with this ruse, and begin accepting the truth. funny men, get taken seriously. Bill Mahr did this 5 to 10 years ago, throughout the 1990s. Johnny Carson did this with his Tonight Show through out the 1980s. Beloushi and Akroyd did this with Weekend Update in the late 1970's. not a one of these men have lived their lives since deluding themselves that they couldnt have been taken seriously. just as if i were in Stewarts shoes, i would be a bit more careful, and give more thought, to what is done, knowing that so many people see this show as a serious show. and really, how different is Stewarts show than Crossfire? he too produces soundbytes that he pushes to the masses for his views... he calls it a punchline, they call it politics; but its all in the delivery. its time Jon Stewart realized this. someday, Stewart may see the terrible price hes taken out, $29.95 at a time, on an impresionable core of citizens, and that is no laughing matter.

some random thoughts on Anthrax/Dio...

. Dio, youve made shit tons of money, stop with the no picture requirement at shows. really. and dont have them try to steal my camera as i come in the door. thats just lame.

. its sad when 25 dollar concert tshirts are the cheapest prices youve seen in a few years. however, when stores charge the same price, for non concert shirts, im gladly stuffing my cash in the hand of the 'Thrax.

. security guards who are cool to you are the shit... security guards that are cruel to you are shit. yeah fatboy, i came back, and yeah you got too close to me and the rail during Deathrider

. band members that appearantly have something better to do sunday nights, 2000 miles away from civilization as they know it, are full of crap. those band memeber cool enough to go to a bar later on have forever made my coollist.. even if they drop a crapbomb as a next album.

. charlie runs fast. so fast that he evaded most of the crowd. and me from getting my freakin autograph. however, scotty ian took every devil horn i threw at him jumping around on the rail. rob too, he just gave me a silent "fuck yeah", as ian just tried playing chords with devil horns back for our mob on the rail. very fucking cool.

. john bush is getting close to being a god. even not withstanding the 'fat man that knows every lyrics' comment, youre still the shit pal.

. running around the pit, taking out old Dio Farts, to the tune of 'Thrax's Caught In A Mosh; is fun.

. hearing songs you havent heard in 5 years, live, is a nifty surprise.. 'Thrax rules for those presents like Antisocial. Deathrider!!!! What Can Not Die. and Ronnie Dio... holy shit. Sign of The Southern Cross. AND Heaven and Hell. not to mention Stargazer, Gates of Babylon. aaaaaand Man On The Silver Mountain. nice work.

. faggot kids pushing me trying to power bounce to Dio were lucky they didnt die. if mommy wasnt wearing leather pants i might have dragged your Hershey-filled asses to the pit with the real men.

. well... any fucking kids trying to mosh or power bounce to Dio is just wrong, now that i think about it.

. Goldy. stop with the gay-porn faces while making guitar solos. its creepy. beyond creepy. and rudy... man no one came to see you. diddo on the drum solo for 8 minutes. yes, i looked at my watched several times during it.

. going all out for Anthrax's hour long power set, then 2 freakin hours of Dio. then waaay too long at the bar, plus the 3 hour drive home [by myself], really isnt good when you work less than 2 hours after you get home. any customers in those first 4 hours or so, i appologize.

some random pictures that i took AFTER the concert was over, and later on. enjoy.

gotta love the handwritten goodness of professional metal endeavors. 

scott warren... keyboard player for Dio... cool guy really.. he and i talked alot about music theory in metal... he knows his shit. and his wine. yah. jagger and booze for the rest. wine for him. 

the devistation left over from a Dio/Anthrax double bill... some of those beer bottle are mine... i think. 

Janis, Em and me hanging out at the bar [they are 1/2 of Fireball Ministry, the opening band] here were getting yelled at for being "too fuckin rowdy"

well after listening to the entire vice presidential debate; all that i can say is im again, unsatisfied by what i heard. what did surprise me, however, was the willingness and abilitiy of both parties to resort to statistics... dizzying in both their spread and redundancy in depth. in my opinion, and its just me thinking outloud, we should be selecting the president [or his runningmate] based on who is best at recalling the most facts in general statistician form. i was hoping to hear more from chenney about himself. he did mention briefly that he doesnt talk about himself, and he doesnt. he needed to open more as a person to drop that cold stern image that has been projected about himself. the few issues where he did begin to speak about himself he abruptly stopped. it could have been a tide turning moment that people would have remembered, that he didnt capitalize on. nor did he follow up on points of view where appropriate. 4 times he offered no rebuttal when given one. not once did edwards let his time go. its something that anyone with practice in debate will have drilled into them.... saying nothing is conceeding to your opponent. i remember a round once, early in high school where i did that same mistake. and i was hammered for it. not by my opponent, but by my judge, and by my teammates, for failing to realize the effect that has on the audience.

edwards [who has a plan for that], made several mistakes [weve got a plan for that too]. one was continually dogging ontop of statistics his opponent had rebutted.... id have drawn him across the flow for that [debate terminology for an opponent that abandons and issue when confronted] and instead, continues using his 90%-90% statistic when directly critized; but edwards gives no alternative nor defense of his contention... poor skills. i, in chenneys position, would have zinged away at that opportunity. edwards, surprisingly, had no plan for that. im guessing it was only pursued for effect on the audience, something i had little practice in, but in the course of constructing an argument; thats bad. really, baaaaaaaaaaad people. edwards major annoyance, in my mind showed 2 ways. first, everything had a plan. ive got a plan for that. john kerry and i have a plan for that. lets check out this plan we have. over, and over and over. while ovbiously being coached to drag on with certain statistics and phrases, his coaching staff overlooked his reluctance to phrase responses in the same manner. not only is that boring to listen to [and it was], but it just opens up a logic driven attack by your opponent; where anything you say is going to be challenged along the lines of your syntax, and thats a terrible hole to dig for ones self. his second major err, was his cuteboy coy smile/smirk, and shuffle. similar to chenneys scowl, lift hand, left eye squint and reply. mannerisms matter in a televised debate. which is why both parties had stipulated to ban dual camera views, in the side by side format the debates were shown in. after awhile i couldnt stand it; and switched over to the radio broadcast because of it.

over all. as orators. id rank them low. edwards clearly held an advantage with the comfort of his particular manner of questioning and responding. his method of response is probably something he perfected as a trial lawyer, talking not in court, but to the media and during mediation agreements. chenney held true to form, as a cold stoic man falling into the defensive on nearly every snap. im sure it was also [according to plan!] that edwards sought this, but being constantly on the attack brings about the image of viciousness. what both candidates needed to come across with tonight was a mix; of a bold and empassionate response against the most dire of criticisims against them, as well as the open shit eating grin and yarn spin about the world that will be, under their administration. i think edwards was more successful at projecting that, but i wouldnt call it in his favor. i think, if answered on paper, chenney better argued and defended the points as they arose, in person if faltered for him. he had several great points to pursue and thoroughly give rout to edwards, but he chose not to. [particularly on edwards absence from his senatorial duties, and reliance on challeneged data without offering more contentions to show for its precision]. compassion was shown, with edwards soft words about the chenney family "gay" matter and public policy problem; however, it was out of true respect... i think the media wanted that question in there, not the public nor the parties. policy is fair game. ad hominem to someone's family matters should be left out; and the question was clearly articulating at a point against that.

again. its a draw. no clear winner. on paper, chenney would get my vote; on tv edwards is going to be seen to be a victor. television is a bitch my friends. its quite a gamble.... the pay off is great... but the odds are youre going to loose a fight on tv, much more often than youll win one; the question is how do they react now?

on second thought.. never mind.. what do i know about a good debate? those plaques on the wall, that national recognition gavel, the newspaper photos, and the box full of trophies means nothing in the realm of POLITICAL debating. this is indeed a different game. the stakes are much higher than points on a wall, stickers on a degree, or the winning cash in my pocket. whats at stake are people voting for a block of mixed signals, and whoever comes out cleaner than the opponent. it is politics friends. lets not confuse it with anything else.

I HATE THE GOD DAMNED DEER RUNNING AROUND OUT HERE

i thought id drive back into town to drop off my rent check so i wouldnt have to get up so early tomorrow... all well and good until i hit deer alley. im doing 40 in 55 to watch for them.. see one.... drop to 20.... it stops and stands in the middle of the road. i hit the brakes and try to stop in about 10 feet. it walks to the left side of the road as i swerve right. just in time to see 4 more wandering up from right side from a blind corner full of trees by the Reservoir sign... so i slam the gas, drop shit, swing wide left to make it around them , hop on the brakes and realize im not stopping this time, all that wet asphalt isnt giving me any grip...i end up slidding off the edge of the road about 3 feet from a fence line. i look back and see the deer just standing in the middle of the road, looking back at me.

fucking deer.

Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Absinthe With Faust

well i didnt really watch the entire debate tonight. however. im going to call it in favor of kerry. while both seemed to rely on their rehearsed tag lines.. [bushes fountain and the valley of peace - one tends to stand out], it wasnt nearly as good as i had hoped. more of a degenerative, high browed; you do this, and youre wrong, time-structured-argument. i think the questions over nuclear powers were very 1960's ish and not worth our time.... seriously. how few voters would actually be affected by information like that.... besides which; its pretty clear who favors what stance before you even have to ask a question like that... regardless... all of the talk about multilateral talks is backwards to me. ive always been a firm believer in confronting my problems myself. as it stands, bringing 6 nations to sit down to discuss 1 or 2 nations issues is really showing alot of fear towards that nation. and the reality of the situation is; that at current course north korea will dissappear as a viable nation in the next generation or two if it stays at this course. barring some desparation attack, or pact for success... as a country shes sunk. id never waste the time paying lip service to a nation thats not worth the chapstick... so to speak... besides which, all this talk of multinational anything drives me up a wall. this is a world of nations, not of perpetual treaties, mutual self defense pledges, and non functional international committees on items.... you dont like that my country has, for 70 years, harnessed the power of the atom, send an emissary to talk it over. its not changing my vote. not that it would have. kerry isnt getting it. and so far, im not satisfied enough to vote bush. hes on his legs as a war president. all things considered, hes a tough sell on much else than that. forget that he created new jobs; people still hang the past couple of difficult years on him, economically, atleast. the war isnt nearly as divisive, to me, as are certain other policies skirtted in under the hem of war time preparations... chiefly the far reaching and deep pocketed exceptions found in the USA Patriot Act and similar "terror stopping" articles of legislation. all of which are slowly being used against american citizens, in non terror related proceedings. bush's stance on education irks me as well. i think most of my friends have heard my frank remarks on "national education policy/funding" and if you havent; sum it up as... NONE, it should all be axed. this No Child Left Behind bullshit isnt making the grades among educators or pupils, and its rather difficult to judge schools in a wealthy boston 'burb against schools in poor urban mississippi; and dice up funding based on that. id much rather let the states and local school districts decide best where money needs to go, and how to make adjustments in cirriculum. standardized testing is never the answer. even though its bushs' baby.... im sure shit-snorkelling kerry has a similarly asinine policy waiting in the wings. regardless, its a fact that kids still cant read in this country, have roofs that leak in classrooms, while other schools have marble floors and 3 story libraries. and lastly the entire iraq question better be finished now. watch it come up for another 20 minutes in every debate. but i think people have their opinions on it; listening to these two chatter on about it isnt going to change much. again, the fact is weve shipped home over 1000 caskets so far; and burried tens of thousands of iraqi people to make this thing happen. maybe we shouldnt have done it; but we are there now, and life is better because of it for the people of iraq. its like when the class bully breaks his arm riding his bike. everyone his happy and smirking about it... but very few kids had the balls to shove him over when he was riding past them. think about that france. kerry however is still wrong for america. this debate did nothing more than turn me off to entertaining his respect. well. no matter. there is no way in hell id ever vote for a multi-term mass. senator running for pres. the only slightly redeeming quality kerry has is edwards. who... even for a democrat, somehow strikes me right. he seems geinuine [more so than most politicians], but thats probably because hes still a new kid. sure, he likes those wacked out liberalist ideas... but he doesnt hold on to his guns on as much of it as im sure his party would like. so in my mind, tonights debate wasnt worth watching... however... its the vice presidential debate that interests me... im still leaning 3 party candidate this time around. maybe ill write Pat in again. maybe Keyes... but tonight just didnt really sell me on Bush, not enough to get a vote out of me. yet, he can rest assured, kerry will not get it either.

oh... and i guess Brit is married again.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2004-09-19-spears-wedding_x.htm

maybe when "its for love" it will make it longer than 50 hours.

but i hope not... i hope she does it again... ends up single... hating her life... decides to tour iowa for no appearant reason than to find a place to die.... and ends up shagging me for several years... that would be sweet. oooh sweet revenge.... id do her to something like Dimmu Borgir, or old school Iron Maiden.... yeah. that would be sweet. mmmm.. brittney.... captive sex slave... mmmmmm drooollll..........

droooooll.............

god i need a woman.

Current Musical Selection: The Eagles - Hotel California [live]

man.. its been a long night, allright i got thrown in jail at this party in malibu, and the cop was a total dickhead about it... so alright. could you just not play the Eagles..

well after 2 days of not having to work; i get to go straight back in to hell tomorrow. man. i cant wait. i believe i was called at home twice in two days; and people wonder why i have to check in on my days off. its quite pathetic. when i leave, everyone seems to forget how to do anything in my department. no one sells anything. freight is never finished. tags are missing. or wrong. and there is always; ALWAYS some stupid customer complaint that i have to deal with first thing. 2 days wasnt enough time off.

speaking of time off; i played DoD for the first time in nearly a month. besides being a bit rusty; i still managed to own several morons. there is just something about raping people with the garand... being tk'd for the high number of kills; then takin a BAR and just pwn'ing all in sight before i discconect. my worst score, of 4 maps i played was 35 to 27. but i had 60 points in flag captures. its sad. no new maps. no nifty weapons. no wonder i stopped playing it. im not going to play a game to the point that i master it so minutely, that it would only be a matter of having enough ammunition. some guys on those maps were litterally picking head shots, on the run, at 50 yards with smg's. disgusting. quite the similar reason why i loathe counter... MONKEYstrike. i grew tired if being 1 shot with carbines from across a map, through a crack in doors about pixels wide while on the run. DoD is getting that way now. the only thing that keeps it interesting is revolving spawns. without that it would have gone the way of the ape shootout. sigh.


i so dont want to go into work tomorrow. i think im the only one opening with the manager, and i have to do TJ's job on top of mine all this week... ugh. i hate cycle counts. i hate outs walks. then i hate being mad about doing that and having to deal with the customers asshole questions as i do it. maybe it will be different. but lately the customers have gotten into this great habbit of arguing with us about any suggestions we make... typical situation:

"customers" -- me ((what i think to myself))

"hi; im looking for pens."
-- k, we have a big selection in aisle 6, about 2 aisles down ((look in aisle 6, not at me))
"well, they need to be red ink pens"
--ok, well we have probably 2 dozen kinds in red ink, let me get someone to help you then ((you arent looking in aisle 6 bitch... now i have to find a handler for you))
"and i read this article in ___(dumbass magazine)___ that says theives can steal your checks and remove all the information thats written in pen, so they need to be gel ink"
--well someone will be up here in a second, and well have several kinds of gel ink pens to show you ((so write in pencil for all i care))
"you dont seem to carry any of those check ink pens, do you?" [make sure they make up some name for them]
-- you know, i dont really know; i sell computers over here, ive got someone who deals with office supplies coming to help you with this (( i suppose youll have to use cash to buy shit now))
"how would you keep theives from stealing your checks without those special check ink pens?"
--im not sure, i guess i just wouldnt make out checks to any place that isnt reputable ((since there is no such thin i dont worry... but i just dont keep any money in my checking account... and for that matter i dont really have any money... none for checks... and none for special check ink pens... 20 bucks says she makes out a check to us for this 3 dollar pack of pens))
"well, do you know of a place that would have them?"
--im not even familiar with the product, let the office supply specialist talk to you about it; it could very well be a special order part ((look in your imagination, it seems well stocked with things that dont exist... ))
"well i know there is an office depot in town, can you give me directions?"
--no. ((just no. get out.))
"and why not, you obviously dont have them, why not just give me their phone number?"
--one, im not sure where its even at; two- its our policy not to refer people to direct competetors ((why dont you just leave and go there then))
"this is rediculous, i want to see your manager... this is the worst customer service ive ever had; all i want is a phone number and you wont tell me what it is"
--well ma'am carl here is going to help you with your pen problem ((im not a phone book, and besides you want pens that dont exist))


that happens atleast 100 times a day. oh. its going to be such a long day at work ....

...

...

Current Musical Selection: Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine

its different, and i like it. generally im not a huge fan of stuff like Dimmu Borgir, or Cradle... yet these new songs intrigue me; like never before. i still hate Danni Filths troll on helium scratchy vocals, yet its interesting... its different. it sounds more epic. more... encompassing now. very full.

lately ive been running around alot. this has been about the most hectic week ive ever experienced at work. we were down two managers, and others... we had litterally, no one with keys that could close the store on two different nights... so we borrowed store managers from other stores; which cant be cheap; to do it. sales have been waaaaaaaaaay up; everywhere but electronics. which is getting set again this week. last week i came up almost 20 grand short in sales for where i needed to be. this week hasnt treated us much better. then today happened. if it couldnt get any worse... the one person with keys gets them stuck and broken in the fire door in the back of the store while getting the UPS deliveries... no keys now. plus we have a fire alarm door that keeps going off with a loud wail. then out of the fucking blue, the corporate loss prevention honcho for our area shows up; unannounced. shes back there raping us over the door and no one being out on the floor [again, we had 4 people working... two of us are dealing with this door problem...]; we get a phone call as three of us stare at the door... the district manager is on his way to our store. dammit. line 5 rings. i answer it. its one of the assisstant managers, her maternity doctors said shes done until after the baby. fuuuuck. then someone had the great idea to call the store general manager in. hes, ofcourse, unhappy... and also happens to be the one that doesnt deal with crisis well. he doesnt know LP or the district manager are going to be there. hillarities ensue! to make a short story of it... we ended up using a screwdriver, a hammer and some luck to get the alarm lock cover off... to find broken bits of the door latch inside. i walked out then. decided i could do more help on the floor... since we had 2 people out there. we got sliced apart on the LP walk of the store; the district manager was generally unhappy about our store numbers and lack of customer services [its hard with less than half the departments being staffed at any one time]. its was great. last i heard they were trying to remedy the problems of staffing *laughter* as well as necessary people with keys *more laughter* by *continuous laughing* trying to talk several people into the responsibility that cant point to their own asses even with their thumbs stuck in it. *dabbing away tears from laughter* this place just keeps getting better and better. when i tell customers its like a three ring circus... im being truthful... even though were so understaffed it would look like a one-triangle show at this point.

http://akma.disseminary.org/archives/001518.html

its an interesting article that ran on slashdot today. thinking it over, im finding it tough to find a good way to approach this kind of logic, on the behest of the officer... who, according to my research, is completely in the wrong; unless this should be some local municipalitiy's implementation. regardless, the officer reduced the situation to "its like stealing cable tv" . well. id go for, "its like watching someone elses cable tv" but how can something freely distrubuted be counted as theft, if it is infact being utilized in the very same manner which IS prescribed for free distribution? im not saying that free things cannot be stolen, they can be. say Baskin Robbins decided to give away free ice cream on saturday; that does not entitle you to ask for it on wednesday; nor to break in and steal it friday night. the ice cream is free, under the condition that it is the free ice cream they are giving away, and being given to you on saturday, under the circumstances of the free give away. tounge twister. but were not talking about stealing anything per se. no theft is going on. what this man was doing was utilizing the free, and publically subsidized, access that is free, any time, for anyone, at that location. he wasnt hacking into someones network, he didnt initiate and DDOS attack, and he wasnt trying to zombie out other's equipment to suck down that "free" bandwidth. he was sitting on the park bench, using the internet connection. what makes this any different than if the library had a public use tv set with cable television programming, and the man turned it on to watch tv? a step farther; what makes it different than reading the newspaper the library has on the shelf? sure, we could draw some pretty ingenious sets of circumstances about the cable tv theft issue the office retorted back with; but it doesnt hold up. go back to our ice cream idea. do you cuff the man who is eating his free ice cream, given to him by Baskins Robbins on saturday, at the free ice cream station, and charge him with larceny for wrongfull taking of their ice cream? sounds like this officer might though. the heart of the matter is what eats away like an acid the principles of fair use and acceptable exemptions from copywright and registered marks; that little by little, the consumer's right to fair use exemptions is quickly erroding in this new digital age. what was free, is no longer free. what we call free is really so paired down, its not what you bargained for anymore. we dont bother to tell you that. and we also dont bother to print up the fine print for it. in fact, we just make up the rules as we go along. and whats fair about that? what is fair about fair use, in the digital age, when nothing is fair, if you intend to use it? granted, the fair use exemptions, as aforementioned, dont entitle you to make off with whatever youd please, but under specific circumstance, and under the correct auspices, you are entitled to your own fair use of the good/commodity/property in question. when you sing a Britney Spears song in the shower, when you write a note in the margain of the textbook, and when you photo copy a picture of a loved one; you are exhibiting the everyday expressed value of fair use. the law is quite clear that unless you release a cd of your shower songs, or if you plan to resell that textbook [with your changes] as your own work, or if you are planning on using those photographic duplications to avoid paying the reprinting fees at studio; you stand well within your right to an exemption of applicable copyright law. without that written, codified, exemption status, Brit can sue the shit out of you and your estate. but thats not at all what this is about. this is about the further constraint upon a commodity [for lack of more exacting definition of 'bandwidth'], which is being made available expressly under fair use practices. and im not arguing that this point can not be done. [hell, the federal government has been changing the way you own items around your house for the last 15 years, you just never realized how, or why it matters] but, the idea im reaching around to is, this commodity is being used under the perfect ascription to the rules of fair use, and we are trying to stifle even that. snuff out the last of the embers of acceptable and legitimate use, that have been a part of our recognized codification of copyright doctrination for the past millenium. just throw it out. rip out those pages from the big tomes of legal babble. no more xerox machines either. you should just purchase additional volumes of text books for citation reasons. get rid of high lighters, since those are making an infringing practice of altering the text in that god-given copy of a James Joyce collection, quash the practice of buying cds because if the singer wanted you to hear theyd sing it infront of you; and just euthanize the arts of influence and inspiration since you are just a petty criminal taking away another's good work. instead, help usher in the era of new "rights" where free internet isnt free, where you pay to listen to a radio station, and where the police are free to make up laws to make it all "fair" for you.

This is Andrea reporting for Scott! I, Andrea, almost got locked in the bathroom. Took me a second to get the door open because the doors in this new apartment are fucked up.

Scott is playing Axis and Allies: D-Day with Matt (my lovely boyfriend) and our friend Nick. Scott's Germany and is probably going to get ass-raped. Matt is the US and Nick is England. I am drunk. Matt and Scott, the bastards, went to the liquor store not too far from here and decided it would be funny to buy disgusting Beast. I, however, am drhinking JD's Hurricane Punch.

Scott hopes the lucky U of Illinois Sucks hat will bring him good luck. While I have no clue what's going on in the game, I don't think it will be helping him

I'm drunk and hvaing a difficult time typing. Most of what I have typed has been retyped several times and now I'm getting lazy. I sort of want chocolate cake but I'm rather full from all the drinks. I'm a sucker for chocolate. But mind you, everyone who's never met me before, I'm not normally like this. I'm drunk. Rmember that. Or I'll cut you, bitches. I am, after all, from Jersey. Land of the gay gov'ners.

Current Musical Selection: Slipknot - Before I Forget

well i cant say that i normally care much about the people around me. nor do i loose sleep much over other peoples mistakes and shortchanges of their own accord. however. after sitting on the couch this afternoon i heard such a ruckus that even i looked up over the edge of my book. what started out as some young children running around, ended up in one of the most embarrassing displays that their parents and teachers will never see.

one black boy [yes its relevant], and 3 white girls. on bikes. id guess about 13 years old. i had zoned out their conversation till one started screaming hysterically; "FAGGOT" "FAGGOT" "YOURE SUCH A NIGGER COCKER BLOWER". she was screaming into a cell phone, that i doubt shes old enough to responsibly possess. regardless. the outburst drew my attention. i sat on the arm of the couch watching an listening to the rest of it. several more uses of ethnic degration. multiple uses of inflamatory homo-sexual based remarks. and some that were just lewd. and by lewd, one example.

'do you remember, like oh my god the other night at torrie's house when her brother had a boner"
- 'oh my god!'
-- "like jesus christ hes such a whigger walking around with this dong sticking up'
- 'you liked it girl'
-- 'no i didnt'
'yeah you did, maybe hed rub it in youre face for you and you could bite it'
-- 'id stick it up my boo-tay and be like ughh ughhh ughhh [she straddles and gyrates on her bike]
[laughter]
-- ' id fuck that thing'


if one thing said above doesnt disturb you, all of it together ought to. kids have no disregard for what they say, what they think they know, and what is appropriate. its deplorable. utterly. without any excuse. in an instance like this, where you do put blame.... where can you even start? its just left me very, very worried about the future of this country.

tick tock