ouch. yet another sign of getting older: attending peoples: 'i got a real job and have to move away' parties. thats the second one ive had to go to this year, and its only 4 months into it. kinda sad. its really good for jimmy though... that kid really needed to get a real job... he just can work at staples his whole life. yet on the other hand, hes made my job a bit easier. now ive lost the last person in the store that could halfway sell plans and do things. again, i stress, its good for him. it is necessary, and its proper for him to move on in this way. hes got a terrible situation with his roommates, so its a good time to get out while he can. but i feel sorry for the kid when all his friends fill two small tables at a bar. and half of them can leave in one car. so the crew from work, their girlfriends, and me; all sat around talking. i ended up talking with tj's girlfriend at the bar for over an hour. shes a cool person. alot different than the type of girl i was expecting tj to have. but like 10 minutes into it, i just get the impression that i dont see them staying together. again, shes not the kind of girl i expected him to have... shes much too home centered and... honestly just more marriage material than i think the guy wants. but thats something else i shouldnt tread far on to. instead, it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex. tj never noticed either.
other random thoughts.... im pretty well fed up with this semester and its classes. latin not as much as the rest, believe it or not. i actually enjoy some of it... despite being really bad at it. nevertheless, im not looking forward to the next couple to finish it out. soc i hate now. atleast albonettis class. with this awful paper. im still trying to figure out how specific i need to be on this rather ambiguous topic. its not working out well. and its due in a matter of hours at this point. great. plus the class in general i dont like. she focuses waaaaaay too much on the text. reading everything, analyzing and remembering everything. id like it much better from a basic philosophical sense. that or at the most minute micro level of impact on the individuals. this in between somewhat theoretical, somewhat scientific halfassing gets really abstract when it shouldnt, and becomes specific at the wrong times. cant wait for this class to be over.
lately i started writing again. usually on lunch breaks, or waiting to go punch in at work. just random snipets of stories and ideas.... nothing really too personal. nothing much about mylife. just ficticious stories that would be nice to elaborate on someday. when i do have the time. just in my mind, i can forsee a really good script coming out of a couple of these.... all kinda based off a dream i had the other night. no. not the one about the dog sex! it was one about war.. about being sent to war and having nothing much to come home to. how does a man fight in a war, in that state? does he go all out. does he stay cautious. is he ambitious. those kind of things. anyway, it just was one of those transport dreams... where you end up transported to some other time and place.... still being yourself.. just in unfamiliar territory. and i remember being in the country side, being attached to a unit that was moving out to reinforce an area the next morning. and i can remember hearing all the guys sit and talk about wives and girlfriends and how they are buying a house, or going to give her a ring when they get back. i can remember that i didnt have anything to say. but i just kept thinking about myself, and how id have none of that to do. id have no place to come back to. and the odds were, alot of these guys with plans, with lives, were going to end up dead the next day.... and if i would live.... how fair would that seem? to them. and to me. and after that i dont remember much else. just more of the principle of it all. of death and dying. of families and of legacy. so i found my self thinking about that the other morning before work. sitting in my car, watching all the families streaming into walmart on a bright saturday morning. thinking about how rewarding that would be to go back to. to walk into . to have. to have a place, to have some one, to have someones' that just wanted you back. i thought about iraq. i thought about how i talked late one night awhile ago with a certain person, about how if push came to shove, id go. how even if i might not agree, if my country asked, i would go. and she cried about that. i didnt think much about it at the time. now i guess i kind of am. i can see my mom being really angry with me if i did it. fighting wars is one thing, but not something her son should do. but then again, i guess once in a great while. fighting wars has to become everyones job. sometimes you cant play favorites when it comes down to it. people just have to do it. that doesnt make it fair though. and thats what i wrote about. how its not fair for one man to die that has everything ahead of him, and another to live that has nothing. sometimes i wonder about how id deal with a situation like that. who would i ever write sappy letters to... who would ever cry for me when left. whod ever want to rush up to the airport to see me home. its an intersting view, thats just stuck with me.
alot on my mind i guess. some of it i cant talk about. but saying that almost makes it worse, on the person that cant talk. you know? to walk around and think about whats going on, and wonder about it all... and never be able to say something. just to wonder how they will make it through. sometimes you just want to let it out, and you cant. it was said, and now it cant be. and it shouldnt be. i just wish it wouldnt matter to me. i wish i could have just said: wow, whatever i dont really care- but i cant do that. not something like that. just weights you down. deeper . and lower. everything changes in a heartbeat i suppose. lifetimes begin and end. all you get to take with you is those memories you had, and all the things you regret never doing. and im still on the latter it seems.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Current Musical Selection: In Flames - Zombie Inc
well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.
which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.
i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.
so what else is supposed to happen today?
well today is working out to be fun. loooooots of fucking fun. so i walk to latin this morning, and as usual, im early to class and i sit in the hallway and talk to whoever else shows up early. one of the hot girls usually does. so i sat and tried to talk with Aurrelia, [i honestly dont know peoples real names... just our latin ones], so the entire time i kept getting bashed on. i flipped through the paper, made a comment about how one article was presented--- "yeah, well i think its a good paper!". i didnt try to respond to it. instead i made some snide remark about her being politically to the left. she scowled. "just because i dont plan on being an american too much longer, doesnt mean i dont know what a good newspaper is like". eeeeeeeeeeh what? she went on to explain how shes going to move away to canada or england with her boyfriend. i giggled. its really just too easy. so i left it alone. the sad thing is shes serious about it. people, are fucking serious, about leaving this country!!!! i really dont understand it. i really cant think of too many things my country could do, that would force me to leave it behind. even this gay marriage thing isnt going to do that. definitely not wars. nor taxes. people just seem like they want a reason to leave. so i told her; "go back to fucking france" it was quiet after that. which was good. i put my headphones back on. she pretty well killed conversation for the morning.
which left me nice and awestruck when THE hot girl from latin comes strolling in... early. which, i dont believe has ever happened. in that split second i was trying to fathom that... then i saw why. rumpled clothes. messed up makeup. hair that looks reassembled. dousche bag in tow by the hand. nice. she made a nice scene about kissing him several times more than necessary, and some other banter that im priviliged not to have heard. ------"but her soul, her divine guest; was thrust to the bottom.""---- he returned the favor by fondling her ass and looking around at other girls while attempting to care. its a great day. really it is. not only are people assfucks, but they do probably ass fuck. i guess i miss a standard of decency. i guess i lack any sense of 'progressive subjective cultural value' for what exists around me... i suppose im just and irritated little man. who is pissed off at what he sees around him. but even so, im not about to move to canada for shits sake.
i hadnt really intended to make any sort of coherent post. i guess its working out to be one though. i suppose i really shouldnt get this mad about what i see. maybe someone will just drop a bomb on all of society and leave me to my little island in the corn field. i promise i wont hurt anyone. even if i find some of you pathetic mutant sympathisers wallowing around my corn island. ill just shoot you in the face. nothing personal, ya know. all in all, my dream is really starting to sound nice now. im really thinking seriously about wanting to pursue my montana retirement. even if it kinda sounds like Ted Kazcinzcky. but some day, after money has been made; ill cash it all in when im still somewhat young. 45ish maybe. doesnt matter. cash it all in. every last cent. every car, IRA, bank account, pension, home, possession, everything i might have of monetary value will be converted into pure liquid cash asset. and ill be done. done with society as it exists. done with the fucking people i have to see. done with the heartache from the people ive known. i buy as many acres of land of rocky, forrested area i can contigeously attain in montana, or some related wilderness ridden state of the union. and i leave. i go there. i have a cabin. maybe a ranch. and i live that way. no more jobs. no more fucking leftist crap to be innundated by, no more whining, no more women to leave me, no more apperances to upkeep, nothing else to try to fit in with. i just leave. it sounds great. it sounds like something i want. and the best part is, i know none of you could probably handle it. none of the people i know, could truely live in isolation like that. no people. no news. no phones. no instant messenger. no cars. no nothing. no noone. just a couple horses. maybe some cattle. a rifle. thats all i need. i dont need people and these attitudes. i dont really need to be saturated in the calamities that are the expectations of peoples future lives.... people come back to me, and give me these stories of how life is going to be so great... how this magic kingdom awaits when they ride away with this shinning prince. and its not going to work like that. you will do the same stupid shit youve allways done. and you continue to scar your self deeper with each cut, and youll never really awaken from the coma you have forced yourself into.... the comfort of the pain, the separation, and the anguish is something you all feed off of, you demand... to make yourself who you are. its not an obsession... its more than that. its a survival startegy. and i for one dont need to be here for that. people never have respected me, or what i understand. so you abandoned me; why cant i abandon all of you some day? ill leave behind the things you said. the feelings i might have had. just let you all have it back. its nothing i need. just something i carried around for far too long. its those expectations, like yourown, that put me here. that put me in this position of anger and resentment... with illrefute. nothing but the isolation from the impossible would suffice to remedy it now. so my greatest dream... the most perverted thoughts, all must be leading me to the truth far from this place. the happiness i wanted wont come to be. the things i desired never amount to much. and its worthless to grieve over it like you all do still. happiness is not contained in cohabitation, mutilation, confrontation, or manipulation. instead it is the antihesis of all of that. it is not living with another, it is being left whole and unmangled, it is about regarding the sanctity of solitude and the abandoning the riggors of coercision. it is in a word, about not belonging. so by not belonging, i have no life to cut off from my own, no dreams to cry about loosing at night, no person to long for in my sleep, no habits of addiction to feed. it is the simplicity to which it all can be solved, that you all ignore. it is the simplicity that i restore.
so what else is supposed to happen today?
Monday, April 05, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Katalina - Carpe Diem
well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.
lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.
well, this weekend blew through pretty friggin fast. pretty much spent all the waking hours of the weekend on sight to keep the battle moving. lots of fun. i just wish kyle would have made some money on the deal. didnt even manage to break even on the whole. which is never a good sign. i dunno, hoped for better, but didnt get it. part of it is location. the venue was waaaaaay the hell out there. really, it was a killer set up... if i was in a band, id have liked playing there over almost any other place in town. minus blowing fuses. in the middle of songs. sorry Fallen To Ashes. twice. lots of old friends showed up. maybe even some of them i didnt want to see. some people i was surprised were still walking around upright.... Gary Yonts for one. i havent seen him in years. but lots of other cool people. hell, even Ronzoni wasnt that bad... on the whole. atleast he kept buying every other round of beers. met lots of cool people. Casey from Fallen To Ashes is the man! we were talking about bands we liked... i mentioned In Flames;... the first song of the set they played.... and In Flames cover. very, very cool. Meth and Goats are my new drinking buddies. i wasnt sure how theyd sound live... [unbelieveable! compared to mp3s], yet, after the preshow meeting, they marched straight to the bar. none... NONE of them left the bar stools until they went on. after an awesome set of thrasing, screaming and rolling around on stage, they promptly walked back to the bar, and kept right on drinking. god damn those guys are cool. its a nice feeling to have bands buying YOU drinks as MC. not the other way around. its also fun watching bands bribing judges with beer. or better yet... instructing all the kids in the audience to get the judges to buy you beer. wurm laughed. travis was rolling on the floor. my merit badge of the weekend goes out to two bands. anthrofuge. for not only getting fucked with the first set slot, and not having all the members of the band show up till 4 minutes before... yet the guys, knowing the crowd didnt like their music, STILL stuck around all night, and came back sunday. real troopers in my opinion. then there is Led By Last. who, in my minds played the best set ive heard from them in a while. they still didnt make the finals. neal buddy, my heart goes out to you. in my mind, yall should have made it. sangween shouldnt have. same kinda thing for 4 Ways To Find It. but im not a judge. im just the guy with the microphone.
lets see. well it was an interesting weekend for lots of other reasons too. like i said, i got to see lots of other friends i havent seen in years. Sarah S., Vivian, Neal, Dietz, even Wurm. lots of people hanging around. made lots of new friends. the guys from Katalina rule. congrads on the win.. like i said, Meth and Goats are my new bar buddies. there is Fallen To Ahes. casey is probably the most musically in-tuned person i know.... at least with me. despite being as kyle said... part of the most pretty boy metal band there. 5 Star Sequel was good. blew me away honestly. so did the introductions they wanted. hahahaha. funny guys. Lazy Susan rocked. not what i was expecting to hear from a bunch of clean cut 17 year olds in goodwill suits. then there is chickenboy. that fucker. i dont think the bands appreciated having a dedicated soundboard man. really cool. especially for the deal he and lonnie cut for kyle. awesome comes to mind. lulac club too. cheers to all the booze sales we gave you! the bartender told me on friday night alone, they more than doubled the alcohol they usually sell for bingo night... and we had two more days coming! its a good group of people. my grandfather belonged to it actually. Pete V. the club manager of the bulding, remembers him. kinda nice when you mention youre Lupe's grandson, and someones eyes light up. even if he tries spanish on me. ive never had that happen to me before. people remembering my grandfather. someone i never really knew. same thing with some of the girls that came to the show.... a couple of them knew OF me, but never met me. i knew one girls brother. another knew all my friends from highschool, but i graduated before she even started there. funny. had a girl write poems to me. got a phone number. kissed one too much. had one ollllld lady hit on me and give me cigarettes. one of the band members wives kept gazing at me. [she was hot]. all in all very interesting. well see what happens.... much more on my actual thoughts later on...
s.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Nirvana - Been A Son
so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.
today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.
people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.
so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.
today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.
people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Toxic
sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?
what else.. something else... gotta be...
ah .
i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.
its your love thats toxic
i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.
hmmm..
i know i wanted to put something else down here.
and i cant think of crap.
i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?
s.
sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?
what else.. something else... gotta be...
ah .
i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.
its your love thats toxic
i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.
hmmm..
i know i wanted to put something else down here.
and i cant think of crap.
i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?
s.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
something about waiting over an hour for your professor to show up late to their office hours isnt right. especially when it concerns a students grade, and it was known said student would be there at the begining of office hours. what else? i had to READ to her. she cant read my writing. best yet, shes shaking her head and making faces as i read it. she doesnt even like my point of view... which is factual. just explaining Emile Durkheim, as it was explained to me, by her, in class. not good. stupid fucking professors.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
magister marce had an interesting point, that i just unearthed from my notes tonight. after reading catullus and his lovely [hack] poetry, he added a line...
were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.
that made me think.
i wonder.
that maybe.
some day.
if people...
find this....
read it
read it again
and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.
not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?
sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.
were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.
that made me think.
i wonder.
that maybe.
some day.
if people...
find this....
read it
read it again
and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.
not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?
sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
first reason; "in all my years, this is possibly the worst handwritting i have ever attempted to grade. i couldn't even attempt to grade it. "
and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.
second reason. shes pretty biased.
for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.
or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.
i hate this university. deeply.
and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.
second reason. shes pretty biased.
for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.
or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.
i hate this university. deeply.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Angie [cover]
well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.
well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.
i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.
so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.
but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time
the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.
so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.
in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.
well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.
well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.
i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.
so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.
but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time
the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.
so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.
in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rainbow - Rising.
sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.
some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.
s
sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.
some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.
s
Monday, February 09, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rancid - White Knuckle Ride
well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.
ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.
s c o t t
well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.
ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.
s c o t t
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
elizabeth. my lordy. shes cute, shes blonde, shes thin, shes quiet, shes intelligent, she likes hard rock, she draws, shes hot, shes sensible, and shes in my latin class. thats the only downfall i suppose. i hate wanting girls from class. it never works out right. the rhetoric girls, the lit girl, the one from calc... none of these are good indications of success at this thing. that and shes young. younger than i should be looking at. still lives in the dorm. still calls mommy and daddy as such. but she looks over at me alot in class. often adds that constant hair flip and play. shes just suggesting that i watch more. ... ... ... and i do. sometimes i feel guilty doing that. falling for the same old tricks, in the same old ways. ill do the same old thing, and nothing will ever happen. nothing good atleast. this past year i even learned that doing everything different, and doing everything right still wont let you keep happiness. someone has to throw it away for you, if you dont. so i dont know. i do know shes very, very attractive to me. i guess thats hard to describe. most people could pick my outward type of person, but a precious few would know the inward type of person i look for. she seems like it. but then again, not so much like it. in her eyes, its a bit empty... more so than id like it to be. because that means something else to me. but there seems to be something alive in there. something interesting about her. but its altogether challenging to tell. she readily entices me to observe and flirt, but will not look on in the same way. more of a welcoming motion in, but wishing not to be welcomed herself. it is interesting. kinda like how im asserting all this from just looking at her in class. its all a game to her. moving spots everyday in a classroom the size of livingroom... the constant - hes not watching me watch him- glances. and the pretending not to see me, while still watching glances. it is nothing but a cruel, cruel game. a game of chance. a chance at something that is nothing more than a faux battle of witts and superiority of mind's precarious nature of the fleeting happiness and and lust that maintain our purpose for playing the game. its a smaller dinner cracker when you need a meal. and it is all very, very exhausting. but i digress away from the point of concern.
which...
is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.
s
arria. o dei immortales!
which...
is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.
s
arria. o dei immortales!
Monday, February 02, 2004
... and the Machine Head plays on.
so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?
so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?
Sunday, February 01, 2004
i am your.. nightmares, true scares. that dream where you cant stop from fallin'
you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.
i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;
i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough
eventhough youll try and try...
because..
i am the thing..
bringing the feelings.
when
your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.
when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*
extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.
it never was supposed to be.
* Machine Head - Crashing Around You
you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.
i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;
i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough
eventhough youll try and try...
because..
i am the thing..
bringing the feelings.
when
your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.
when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*
extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.
it never was supposed to be.
* Machine Head - Crashing Around You
Monday, January 19, 2004
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
so here ya caught me in a coma.
and i dont think i wanna...
ever come back
to this world again.
kinda like it in a coma...
cuz no ones ever gunna...
ohhhhh
make me come back to this
world again.
sorta feels if im floatin away...
i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.
but my body's callin... my body's callin....
and i dont think i wanna...
ever come back
to this world again.
kinda like it in a coma...
cuz no ones ever gunna...
ohhhhh
make me come back to this
world again.
sorta feels if im floatin away...
i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.
but my body's callin... my body's callin....
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - 19th Nervous Breakdown
lots of hell is breaking loose around work.
first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.
then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.
lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?
lots of hell is breaking loose around work.
first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.
then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.
lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Underneath It All
well... interesting day.
im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.
parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.
so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.
but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.
then it was time for birthday-bed-time.
well... interesting day.
im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.
parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.
so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.
but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.
then it was time for birthday-bed-time.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Saturday, January 03, 2004
wow.
today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...
new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.
work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....
today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...
new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.
work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)