Hamburglar clears the air a bit here; mainly due to my infatuation with him, I thought I could work this bit in too.

Perspective: I’ve Taken Your Clown-Faced Burger Bullshit for Long Enough

[available: The MQ Online Volume 10 Issue 6]

The Hamburgler

Ronald McDonald? More like Ronald McFuckerson. You and your lame-ass clown suit can eat my burger-eating ass. I have two delinquents and a wife in the streets and I never get respect. Now it’s “me” time: Hamburgling time. I have taken your clown-faced burger bullshit for long enough.

For 34 years, I have slaved behind your fake smile. You done me wrong, Ron, and that ain’t right. “All the kids love me!” That’s what you told us. You took all the cred and left us all in the darkness. I know now that was a ray-croc of shit, you never cared about me. All I want to do right now is choke you to death with my red tie with hamburgers on it.

When I got out of the McPrison for stealing those Fish Filets, Mayor McCheese was there. Officer Big Mac still supported me. Even Buzz fucking Lightyear hooked this brother up. But you? Nothing. You were off getting high with that Jack-in-the-Box corporate whore. Learn to respect the little people, asshat.

I looked up to you, man. When I was young, you brought us all in as equals. Little did I know you’d turn out to be such a pube-bucket. All we wanted was recognition of our hard work, but no, you needed the statuses of yourself AND the Ronald McDonald playhouse. You couldn’t get enough of yourself, and now I’m going to quarter-pound your face in with a shit-burger.

Remember that 1990’s “Beanie Baby” craze? Do you remember the night before when, while we were drunk in your basement, I told you my idea to market them? Do you remember my disgusted face as you trampled me on your way to the top? That’s right, dong-captain, you stole my ideas. But never burgle a burglar, bitch. I’m coming after you and your size 23 feet, and I am gonna bust a McCap in your lame-ass yellow jumpsuit.