so another post about nonsense i guess. all in all, life is settling into a groove again. maybe a rut. but i doubt its deep enough to be a rut. to put any wandering minds to rest; they have me working 6 days a week. generally the shitty hours no one else takes. i tend to be the only person out of the shift that sticks around to deal with customers. everyone else runs off. sometimes i find them upstairs, sometimes out back, sometimes i have to page them on the store pa several times to find out where they go to. i think for the most part im getting comfortable with what i do. but atleast once per day someone comes in asking for something just totally off the wall, or just complains about how they dont like me. ive also found the employees to be rather clique-ish. im not really accepted among 90% of them. and i guess, its just hard to remember what that feeling was like; because its just been so long since ive been dumped into a situation like that. the copier gig never really let me deal with anyone but customers. at staples, after about 2 weeks id made friends with a couple people that broke me over with the whole store. at the res hall goverments, i knew everyone. i guess id have to go back to working at the newspaper or the craft store for that "we dont like you new-hire" attitude. but really, even at the newspaper, i didnt have that. once i was accepted by 2 people thats all that mattered. the other people really werent high-functioners that i dealt with. remember.... this is the place that hired a girl with mental disabilities and carried a cabbage patch doll to work; and had the two rednecks that argued one day over who's mother taught whom better to survive in the wilderness. shudder. such a dirty place. so maybe in a way its like that time. i really worked there because i had no other choices; and because it was 3rd shift and allow me to beatup on myself a little when no one else was really around. in this respect, its somewhat the same, and somewhat the opposite. this time im constantly around people. i just never get to be around the people i want to be around. and i beat myself up worse than ever. unloading 300 pound cabinets, or 500 pound whirlpools for people. its all pretty much the same day, over and over. thats where that rut part comes in i guess. i work. i get a 20 minute lunch. i eat the same thing for lunch. i go back to work. after that, i go home. my parents are usually asleep. i sit and stare at the computer for a couple minutes. then try to sleep. and thats about it. its not what i expected to happen to my life. and not at this price, either.

i guess i envisioned myself doing it for more money. the same boredom. the same general disatisfaction. the same sense of expecting to have more than i do. but maybe bumped up a notch. from down here, none of it seem so nice to think about. if anything, its depressing to think about it more than i should. i guess, that maybe its the universe balancing out. the karmatic process of leveling out for me. for several years, i guess i had lots of excitement, and chances for lots more. so maybe now, as penalty, i dont get any chances. i become hapless. not helpless. but not far from it.