so. i remember, like i could ever hope to forget, my experiences of being thrown out, cursed at, and backhanded by every business in a 3 county area, trying to sell copiers door to door. and what was the 3 things i took away to get some success with it? never bring samples, if you take more than 3 minutes its youre third strike, and ALWAYS be a master at what youre doing. today, people rang our door bell. so our story begins.

a man, in a nice jacket asks me if i could give an honest opinion on an item. hes holding a bottle of windex. i say sure. before i could look up, hes on the porch with a vacuum cleaner box, and two idiots in tow. he opens the door starts talking and walks up the stairs, and says "I want a real honest opinion from you about the Kirby Cleaning system, Jesse and Karen will give you some quick information here for me, the bottle of windex is a free gift for your opnions." and like that he was gone. left me holding the bottle of windex. which wasnt so bad. it was name brand windex. but then i realized the vacuum in the living room. and the two idiots shredding the box apart like 3 years olds on christmas day. i had bigger problems than that coming.

i forgot that my father was home. sitting in the chair, staring at a cross word puzzle. it snapped shut and i got a glare. so i sat on the couch while jesse and karen went to work. ill have to admit, they didnt know assholes from doorknobs on this thing. that much was clear instantly.

hoses, and brushes and attachments were flying around. i was getting motion sick. but that didnt stop some angry glares and stupid comments from my father. you see, as i sat down, this could be fun. obviously, these people are trying real hard to make this work. ive been there. when someone says "hey sure, what can you tell me?", it was probably the best news of the day for me. at that point, it would make the previous 30 doors that got slammed, seem like nothing, because now i had a chance. so i gave them a chance. big deal. they were going to clean the house for me for nothing... more than nothing. they GAVE me the bottle of windex after all. suckers.

immediately karen has problems. i pay attention to see that shes putting the wrong end of the hose into the machine. turns it on, without introducing herself or the product, and finds the hose wont stay on. the machine has exhaust and intake that use the same hose. shes flustered. and a side note. shes fat. and shes wearing black spandex pants. its important later. i digress. shes flustered. she figures out the wrong hose is in place, then mumbles about machines not working. then she talks to us for the first time.

"so this is... the kirby cleaner. its a vacuum.--- but it does more than vacuum" FUCKING GASP!!!! DOES IT???? sorry.

she then takes her time picking out an attachment to talk about.... the pet groomer, the plumbers best friend, the power jet, the horsehair brush, the crevice tool, the tile scrubber... then she has jesse plug it in, as she forgot to, to start showing them all off. so they take a piece of white coffee filter, slap it in the machine and vacuum a small spot, and show us all the dust and dirt from every place they take it from. 14 samples later, they decide they want to move on to the kitchen. my father speaks up and tells them, No. i said, go for it. he says NO again. so she tries to sit and make small talk. she asks where were from. {FUCKING DERRRR HOWABOUT DAVENPORT}, asked me where i went to school, i said Idaho. she magically says "i have friends from there". then she sits on the floor. a crucial down fall. shes talking intermittently while reading from the product binder, assumedly verbatim from whats printed. all the while playing with parts, telling us what does what. or so she thinks. jesse decides hes done, and he wants to start the "baking soda test." you can figure this one out, ass hat threw a box of the crap all over the carpet, and she starts stomping and grinding it in.

she gets up, puts on some floor attachment, and decides to suck it up. but shes forgotten which connection pushes it into the catch trap to show us the dirt. woooooosh. there goes powdered baking soda in a cloud on to my parents royal blue couch. dad is not happy. im trying not to laugh. but it gets harder. she appologizes. jesse looks confused. so she sits down. on the couch. wide rear end over powdery white substance. i get up to get something to drink and start laughing. my dad seem to be more pissed off now than amused. when i come back i see jesse, whom by the way has a tub of skoal hanging out of his back pocket, stand up with the fixed vacuum and start to clean the mess. i sit down, and so stands up karen. with a nice big white powdered ass. but oh. wait. theres more! when she moves i notice a problem. there are two nice stripes down her but... sigh. panty lines. like chalked body outlines. and even i cant find this remotely sexual. but i find it unabashedly hillarious. two wide black stripes in the midst of a square acre of white. kind of like the opposite of a hostes cupcake.

im dying laughing. but i cant say anything, except i want to see the next attachment. she says they need mattress samples. my dad gets very irate and says, "youre a guest in my house, but i will not let you into my bedroom to test it, you can go to the next step in youre little demo." she says its important so that they can qualify it as a demo. he goes on with some i thought was a tad more profane than should be said. and like they they are on the phone calling for a pickup. feverishly they are trying to repack the box of 4004 attachments, all while she bends over and puts that 8 miles of powdered white ass in my face. absolutely priceless. obviously theyve been tossed out before, and take it well. but i was pretty mad about it.

first of all it was entertaining as all hell. second, im about as insulated from buying the thing as anyone could be [the price was 1100 dollars, i have about zero to my name], and third i felt bad in a way. i remember getting cussed at, thrown out and jacked around. obviously they hadnt gotten many opportunities to practice the sale or theyd be better, and i was all for letting them practice. so before we knew it, with a cloud of dust they were outside, waiting on the curb for a guy in a red childmolester van with florida plates, to pick them up. and so ended my tale of hillarity for the day. so funny. yet so pathetic.