Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming

so i took a 3 and a half hour walk last night. trying to sort out my head. and i dont think it worked. ive substantially calmed down. but that hasnt stopped my thoughts and my feelings about anything. physically im not wanting to be angry... but deep inside i am.

yet again, im missing you. king size bed in a hotel someplace. i hear your name, i see your face.

you just try so hard to rid your mind of everything thats wrong... to clear out the garbage and make room for the things that need to stay. and it just doesnt work. all the garbage, the trash , keeps floating back in. in and out of your mind and your life it comes and goes. and you just wish it to stay out. even though it was all things you used to want. things you know worked well. but things that had to be thrown away.

the back street dolls and the side door johnnies. the wide-eyed boys with the bags full of money. back in the alley, going bang to the wall tied to the tail of a midnight crawl.

i guess im just born to loose out. i get attached to what i want, and thats not supposed to happen anymore. the only thing people get attached to are the crap they tell themselves. the stories they make out these side door johnnies out to be, when, really all they are just out for themself... not anyone else. the bags full of money that capture the attention of people in this town are wasted on me. if anything i hate people whose parents hand over cash. kids that never work for money, remain kids. they take on adult problems, but remain kids about it. thats where i draw the line. little things i noticed out on a cold night alone, watching packs of kids running around. wearing adult clothes, getting into adult situations, but remaining children nonetheless. shrugging away the bindings of responsibility and maturity; and how do i fit in to this town?

heaven wouldnt be so high i know, if the time gone by hadnt been so low. the best laid plans all come apart at the seams, and shatter all my dreams.

i guess im not sure where i end up then. what to think about in these days of torment. everyone around me gleefully runs headlong in to the situations of illrepuit, and im left at home. or worse, walking around watching them. people destroy their lives with what they do, and ive lost the will to stop it. i just watch it happen. someone in particular i guess ive lost the will to intervene with. i guess i cant compete with substance abuse. i cant compete with the ignorance of them in their plight, or about the problems that compound by their own hands. i tried. i cried about it in the past. but even the marathon runner's legs give out sometime. i spent my day off to be with them because they were having such a bad time. its halfway through the day before i even get a mention about them not wanting to go. never did even get a phone call. just an IM. being sick is a good excuse. just later last night while walking, being sick sounded like a coincidental occurance, in light of everything. but i didnt let it stop me from caring. that was my purpose. to help someone feel better, not alone, not depressed, and to know they are a better person that someone else sees them as. because ive been there. ironically so; but ive been there. and no one was there for me, and i didnt want that happenning to this person... deep down i guess i still care then. i figured now that my day was wasted, id do something. made up a batch of soup, crackers [even animal ones!]; and spent about 2 minutes scrawling out a crude picture as a pick me up. left it for them to pick up. and went away. i suppose i didnt have to. i was more than comfortable sitting with them awhile, especially if they were sick; just to cheer them up. hugs and smiles go along way when you feel like that. but i guess on some level i wasnt totally ready for that yet. we have a lot of history. and this just wasnt something i guess i could go through it they werent ready to see me. but yeah, it has alot to do with that dream i had a few days ago. anyway i come home, do stuff. get angry. [last nights post] and dissapear.

sometimes i feel like screaming. close my eyes, its like this my head goes down and the only thing i know is the name of this town.

i wanted to scream, i wanted to punch something. the more i hear about people with others, and the more they have them, the more i want it. and the less likely i know i am to get it. because what i want, im guessing, isnt here for me. be it this town, this time in life, this world, it isnt. along time ago i learned that id never find what i wanted exactly. that instead, id have to find the best thing and be willing to work with it. that nothing would actually happen to walk in like that in perfect form, without some work. so thats what lead me to whats happened. i guess i know that caring about someone will have its ups and downs, and maybe it cant even be romantic... but that shouldnt stop me from being there. i just wanted to help someone help themself. and that doesnt make me feel right about it at all. if it is true. thanks for turning me into one gigantic ass. im not embarrased about it. not for me. maybe some day youll understand it. and maybe youll understand me, like i understand you. but i dont know. all i do know is the name of this wretched town.

yet again, im missing you; wont be long o' coming home. until that distant time, ill be moving on.

and thats, i guess, my lesson from this. just another brick to the wall about how things are the way they are... never an inch of mortar to explain why they are. facts on top of facts. none of it is useful for much. except building the walls around me. people build their own walls though. they dont much need mine. unless i am that bad of a person. but all i try to do is act the best that i can for people. i want the best for the few people around me that i know are worth it. i guess im frustrated that they dont see that. self worth is something that seems to be continually depreciating in value, and here i try to up the rates back into the black. and this is what i get for it. something minus pitty. disparagement. nothing that i should have rightfully earned. not for believing in someone else, and showing you care about them. but thats the lesson. instead run to the boys with the bags full of money, the side door johnnies, leave me by the phone. i guess i wasnt good enough for anything anyway. especially not because i care.


and its all in the mind.